Outnumbered

Outnumbered is a British Comedy Award winning and BAFTA nominated British sitcom that has aired on BBC One since 2007. It stars Hugh Dennis and Claire Skinner as the parents of three children, Tyger Drew-Honey, Daniel Roche and Ramona Marquez.

Series 1

=== The School Run [1.1] ===

Sue: It's my fault, Veronica. I should never have shown Ben how to reply to an email.

Pete: So Ben sent an email pretending to be you?

Karen: Mum!

Sue: Well, actually -

Karen: Mum!

Sue: She's got nits. I'm halfway through.

Pete: Oh God, it's these parents isn't it? They know their kids have got them and they just merrily pack them off to school.

Sue: (grimacing guiltily) I know.

Pete: Oh no. You're not checking your email.

Sue: There's one from Veronica.

Pete: Especially not one from Veronica.

Sue: Oh no, Veronica. No. I am not having that.

Pete: No, don't reply. That's fatal because then she'll reply and then you'll be tempted to reply to her reply and then you'll get caught up in that Pandora's...circle.

The Special Bowl [1.2]

Pete: You could do with Ramadan lasting all year round, couldn't you Kamal?

Sue: Is she eating?

Pete: She keeps banging on about how that's not her bowl.

Sue: It's not her bowl, because I broke her bowl this morning and had to drive all the way to Ikea to get her one that's identical but it IS identical.

Pete: Then how does she know it's not her bowl?

Sue: I dunno. She must have...powers!

The City Farm [1.3]

(When Sue and the kids are playing The Lying Game in the car.)

Karen: I like Auntie Angela.

Sue: That's lovely, sweetheart. Erm, anyway, let's get on with the game.

Karen: That was part of the game.

Karen: What does it feel like to be old? Is it nice?

Granddad: Beats being dead.

The Quiet Night In [1.4]

Pete: How’s school?

Jake: It’s school.

Pete: It was cool?

Jake: It was school. School’s school! Jesus!

Steven: I’m Rory’s dad – Steven. Ben’s told us all about you. He’s quite a kid, isn’t he?

Pete: Yes, he’s quite a kid.

Steven: He’s told us all about you.

Pete: Has he?

Steven: Oh yes, he’s obviously very proud. So tell me, what’s Gordon Brown really like?

The Mystery Illness [1.5]

Karen: Mummy, do you believe in God?

Sue: Mummy's unblocking the sink, darling.

Karen: (sees Angela crying) Has Grandad died?

The Dinner Party [1.6]

Ben: Can I watch Little Britain?

Pete: Have a guess.

Ben: Yes.

Pete: Have another guess.

Jake: Do dinner parties always end like that?

Pete: The ones when your Auntie Angela is invited do.

Angela: What part of India are you from?

Ravi: Pakistan.

Series 2

The Wedding [2.1]

Sue: You mustn't arm wrestle this little girl cos she only looks about three.

Girl: Four!

Sue: She's four.

Karen: But I'm allergic to them!

Pete: You are not allergic to peas. No one's allergic to peas. No one in the world is allergic to peas!

Karen: How do you know, because you - you haven't asked the people and - even if you did, I know you'd be lying because you can't speak Indian, you can't speak Japanese, you can't speak - you can't speak Australian or any of that!

Ben: I've been on my best behaviour all day long.

Pete: You were specifically told "no fighting, no swearing and no drinking alcohol" and I caught you bashing this kid's head on the floor shouting "Don't touch my bloody beer!"

Ben: But he was disrespecting me.

The Dead Mouse [2.2]

Sue: They didn't say anything on their website about it being flat packed!

Jake: Is some furniture not flat packed, then?

Karen: Brethrens, we are gathered here in the bosom of Jesus to say goodbye to this, to this mouse, killed before its time. We have given it cheese and bread for its journey to heaven, or at least if it goes to hell, it'll have cheese on toast. Next up is the Pope. Dust to dust, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, may the force be with you, because you're worth it, amen and out. Thank you, Pope.

The Old-Fashioned Sunday [2.3]

Sue: It's 6:25! How come they actually wake up early on the weekend?

Jake: (while the family is playing board games) Fat, gold guy.

Pete: Goldfinger. David Dickinson.

Jake: He's like a god.

Pete: Who is he?

Jake: Buddha.

Pete: The divine inspiration for hundreds of millions of people...fat, gold guy?

Karen: His name is Bob and he is a builder.

Sue: BO..oh... (thinking) BOB THE BUILDER!

The Airport [2.4]

Pete: You got yourself a coffee?

Jake: Yeah. Double espresso.

Pete: A double espresso?

Jake: Well, you're one who's telling me to like, try new things all the time.

Pete: Yeah but I meant vegetables and stuff, not stimulants, you've never had caffeine before, I -

Jake: Don't get in a state. I only drank half of it.

Pete: Oh. Okay.

Jake: Ben drank the other half.

Pete: (pauses) You let Ben drink a double espresso??

Ben: It tasted horrible to begin with, but then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel all zingy zangy zongy!

Pete: Zingy. Zangy. Zongy.

Ben: I feel like lightning!

Pete: Oh my god.

Pete: Did you know he had the knife?

Sue: No, I didn't know he had the knife. Or the fish skeleton. Or the doll's head with the little hermit crab in it.

Jake: Dad’s a terrorist!

(Sue shushes him.)

The Night Out [2.5]

Karen: Can I go to Daisy’s sleepover?

Pete: No.

Karen: But why?

Pete: Because sleepovers are the invention of the devil.

Karen: But you let me go to Alexa’s sleepover…

Pete: Yes. And you watched The Hills Have Eyes and you didn’t sleep for six months. And then, when we drove to Bristol, you said the Cotswolds were staring at you.

Karen: But you always go out.

Pete: We haven’t been out for… (thinks) Nine months!

Karen: You went out that time not long ago…

Pete: To your parent’s evening.

Karen: Yes, but when you came in you smelled like pub.

Karen: One time I woke up and I only had four fingers like the Simpsons, and I went into Ben's room and he had - he had my finger sellotaped on, so he had - (counts quickly under her breath) he had six fingers all in one hand.

Pete: Are you sure that's a dream? That does sound like something Ben might do.

The Football Match [2.6]

Granddad: (flipping through television channels) This is crap. So's that. That really IS crap! Good God Almighty! What's that woman doing? Why is she staring at the contents of that bloke's toilet?

Jake: That's Dr. Gillian McKeith, granddad.

Granddad: Eh?

Jake: That's what she does. She looks down other people's toilets.

Granddad: Who's your favourite Beatle?

Ben: Ringo Starr.

Granddad: Why?

Ben: He's called Ringo Starr!

The Long Night [2.7]

Karen: How can you not like somebody you've never met?

Sue: Good point, Karen.

Karen: Yes, you should only hate people you know.

Sue: Ye...er...

Karen: Like Miss Braybrook.

Sue: But you love Miss Braybrook! She's the reason you're Christian!

Karen: Not any more, that's all rubbish.

Pete: Rubbish is a bit harsh.

Karen: I don't believe in God anymore, I'm a Satanist.

Pete: I think that's an atheist. Satanists...do things to goats.

Pete: You have to treat everybody's views whatever they believe with equal respect don't you?

Karen: What? Even idiots?

Series 3

The Family Outing [3.1]

Jake: Ben! Ben, Mum said you have to come downstairs.

Ben: But it was him!

Jake: Ben, Barack Obama does not drive a number forty-two bus!

Ben: He's the leader of the free world. He can do what he wants.

Karen: How do they decide which laws to make?

Pete: Well they read the Daily Mail...and do what it says.

[Aboard the HMS Belfast]

Karen: What does the HMS Belfast have to do with World War Two?

Pete: Well, it was an important ship in World War Two that was converted into a museum about World War Two.

Karen: So it's all about World War Two?

Pete: Well there's a tiny bit about what happened to the ship when it was decommissioned after the war but...

Karen: I don't want to see that because I want to win the school prize for best project on World War Two.

Pete: What's the prize?

Karen: It's a trip to the HMS Belfast.

The Internet [3.2]

Sue: I was sorting out the computer after it crashed, and I noticed that someone had downloaded an inappropriate image. Was it you?

Ben: Well, it could be. Was it the farting nun?

Sue: No Ben, it was not the farting nun.

Ben: Was it the tree man?

Sue: Ben -

Ben: Or was it that creepy dude who can lift things up with his mind, that's cool, or is it that evil clown song -

Sue: Ben!

Ben: Oh, I know! Was it the Pekingese dog on the lawnmower? Because that made me want to throw up.

Jake: And anyway, what about those magazines you buy? Those celebrities probably don't want those pictures taken, yet you still go out and buy the magazines.

Sue: Well...I don't BUY them. I occasionally pick them up off trains. And bring them home...to recycle.

The Tennis Match [3.3]

Karen: When professional tennis women play tennis, everytime they hit the ball they go UGGHH! And then they sit down and eat a banana.

Karen: I think the world is unfair to women.

Sue: Well, absolutely. I think you're right. Often, it is.

Karen: Because women can't grow moustaches or beards.

Sue: You want to grow a beard?

Karen: Well, I might want to be a tugboat captain, or an ayatollah.

The Pigeon[3.4]

Ben: When are you going to the hospital so the doctors can put the camera up your bottom?

Pete: Erm, Monday. Why?

Ben: Well, can you ask if you can keep the film? Only I'd like to take it into class for show and tell.

Ben: So your husband's black.

Woman: Yes.

Ben: You're white. So your baby could be black or white?

Woman: Erm, most likely something in between -

Ben: But not stripy?

Sue has cleaned and tidied the house all day long:

Ben: What the hell have you done to my room? It's full of...floor!

The Restaurant [3.5]

Brick: Hey fella! I'm Brick!

Ben: Brick?

Brick: Yeah, Brick.

Ben: Is that a name?

(Sue comes in after Pete tells Ben to get changed after he gets hyper with the water hose, soaking himself)

Pete: Why did you let Ben in the garden with the hose? The big no-noes: Ben and water, Ben and fire, Ben and depilatory cream.

Pete: Don't play the therapist with me.

Sue: Pete.

Angela: He's one of those guys who thinks that Charltons should become psychotherapists.

Pete: Yeah, and Serbian war criminals.

Sue: Pete!

Brick: Whoa, Hugh Grant.

Pete: And if you call me Hugh Grant, one more time. I'm going to take your Platinum Visa card. And I'm going to shove it right up your...

(Pete stops mid-sentence to see all the children staring at him. Ben giggles a little bit)

Taylor-Jean: I want my mom!

Angela: It's alright sweetie.

Taylor-Jean: No! I want my real mom!

Kelly: I..I'll pop back in a tick. (Kelly quietly walks away.)

The Hospital [3.6]

Ben: Who's that woman with the black thing over her head?

Jake: That's the burka, Ben. She wears it because she's a Muslim.

Ben: Do boys wear 'em? Because it'd be cool if you were at school 'cos you could like - text under there and you could like, change your pants and nobody would know!

Ben: Urgh, God! What the hell is that? Urgh!

Jake: It's just a special kind of kiss. A French kiss, that's all.

Ben: I'm never going to France if they do that there! What the hell is wrong with him, is he a vampire?

Series 4

The Funeral [4.1]

Ben: Is this fruit bread mouldy?

Sue: That's not even fruit bread. Bung it in the compost.

The Girls' Day Out [4.2]

Jake: It's just an essay. It's easy.

Pete: Well, what's it about?

Jake: The Romantic poets.

Pete: Why's that easy?

Jake: 'Cos there's just not much to say.

Pete: (reads) "The Romantic poets were a bunch of emos."

Karen: We could do you a whole new make-over! That would be a good mother-daughter thing.

Sue: But I don't want a make-over! I'm perfectly happy with the way I look.

Karen: Well, you're just being silly now.

The Labrador [4.3]

Pete: [On the FIFA video game series] On Playstation you only get to control one player at a time, while the others all charge about randomly like...England.

The Exchange Student [4.6]

Jake: So Ottfried, what other British TV do you like?

Ottfried: Well, I like Ricky Gervais, and I like...this other comedian. He plays a character, a very funny character, a fat politician, and he has funny blonde hair, he sometimes cycles, I see him on a bike, sometimes, on the television.

Jake: Do you mean Boris Johnson?

Ottfried: Yes, Boris Johnson, he's so funny. You like him also?

Jake: No, Ottfried, he's the mayor of London.

Ottfried: Yes, he plays the mayor of London, a very stupid politician, very funny...

Specials

Christmas Special (2011)

[Traffic jam]

Sue: What's happening?

Pete: Just two Father Christmases trying to beat the crap out of each other.

Series 5

The Chinese Horde [5.5]

Mrs Raynott: Shall I tell you something, Karen? I'd ban Roald Dahl. He's probably ruined more children's lives than polio. Ruined them with the ludicrous belief that all adults are stupid and can routinely be outwitted by small children and the occasional fox.

Mrs Raynott: Now, if you like reading, I recommend this.

Karen: Lord of the Flies.

Mrs Raynott: Yup. That's what really happens when children get to make the rules: corpses everywhere.

Cast

External Links

Wikipedia

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Outnumbered