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Osmosis Jones

2001 live-action/animated film

Osmosis Jones is a 2001 live-action/animated film whose title character is Osmosis Jones, a white blood cell who takes on a killer virus.

Directed by Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly. Written by Marc Hyman.
He's one cell of a guy.(taglines)

Dialogue

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Chief: JONES! IN MY OFFICE!
Osmosis: [enters his boss' office] Chiefy-weefy, what's up?
Chief: Don't "chiefy-weefy" me! Have you seen the headlines? The papers are calling it the most powerful cramp since Shane made us try that tae-bo workout!
Osmosis: Hold on a second...
Chief: [leaning closer to Jones] I told you to stay put. I told you to wait for backup! But once again, you had to do it your own way!
Osmosis: Man, I was right there! I couldn't done it...
Chief: Right! 78 trillion cells in the body all working together...you're the only one who thinks he can do it alone! You ever think that might be your problem, Jones?
Osmosis: Baby, when are you and me gonna hook up? I know this little spot right behind the eye, has the perfect view - perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I been sayin' it a long time.
Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
Osmosis: Whatcha talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me.
Leah: Oh, really? 'Cause to me, you look like the kind of cell who most likely divides with himself.
Osmosis: [drops his disguise] Ooh, who cut the heat? Yo, somebody pay the bill! It's cold in here! [sarcastic and toothy grin]
Leah: [on a recently ingested cold pill] Whoa, this is huge.
Osmosis: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar, ya know.
Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.
Osmosis: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before!
Osmosis: So, where you from, tough stuff?
Drix: I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.
Osmosis: Great, got me a college boy...
Drix: Where did you study?
Osmosis: Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive tract, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.
Drix: Oh...
Osmosis: I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.
Drix: Oh?
Osmosis: No, it was in the crack. [Drix whimpers] Right in the stanky, puckered center. We were so poor, we lived off of peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
Drix: OK, I get it. You were poor.
Osmosis: You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
Drix: OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!
Osmosis: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.
Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
Osmosis: Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?
Drix: NO!
[after Drix and Oz leave the now soothed throat]
Drix: What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve-hour time-release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.
Osmosis: Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, stay here. I got some important police work to do. [It cuts to Osmosis at a doughnut stand] Let me get one glazed, and one with a jelly-filled nucleus.
[While in a sweat gland spa
Scabies: Did the Foot Fungus pay up yet?
Joe Cramp: Nah. That guy's getting flaky on us.
Scabies: Well, you ain't gonna collect nothin' from him up here in the pit! Now get down there, send him a message.
Thrax: [strolls into the sweat gland spa, humming] So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.
Bruiser: Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat-gland. Now beat it!
Thrax: I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.
Scabies: Yo, Red, we run the rackets around here. Take your little hustle someplace else.
Thrax: Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle. This is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen.
Scabies: Look who thinks he's the Ebola virus, huh? [he and his thugs laugh]
Thrax: [angrily] ...Ebola? [shoves past Bruiser and Joe Cramp] Let me tell you about Ebola, baby: Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
Scabies: All right, pal, you're outta here. Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done with you, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths to get you out!
Thrax: Hmm, sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.
Osmosis: I bet Johnny Streptoccocus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.
Chill: You can't jack me on that, brother! I'm in the Virus Protection Program.
Osmosis: You can probably guess which photo made it to the front page of the paper the next day. Overnight, Frank became the town laughingstock. The photo got picked up and ran in every daily across the country, he even got fired from his job at the pea soup factory. Lucky for us, our old friend, Bob, hooked up Frank with a job at the zoo. It was a 90% cut in pay, but it was the best we could do. Needless to say, none of this helped Shane. And as for me, I got suspended for unnecessary force. Since then, as the days've gone by I've been wonderin': "Did I do the right thing?"
Drix: Y'know, Jones, I think you did. Oysters are a breeding-ground for all kinds of pathogens!
Drix: My, what big zits he has. How does something like this happen?
Osmosis Jones: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.
[After a pollen spore flies into Frank's nose]
Osmosis: In the words of the immortal James Brown: Get down!
Drix: James who?
Thrax: And who are you?
Osmosis: [in a viral disguise] Who am I? Who am I? Uh, Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis. Yeah! That's who I am!
Thrax: I never heard of you.
Osmosis: That's cause you just got here. You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis stands above the rest.
Drix: Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded!
Osmosis Jones: Yo, Hammer! You can stop dancing!
Germ Sidekick 1: But boss, there's on'y us left. Think we should; – incubate, a little?
Thrax: You incubate! Ah said 48 hours, an' Ah'm gonna make my deadline. [The building explodes as Thrax walks out] Medical books ain't written about losers.
Shane: I'm not going.
Frank: You're not going where, hon?
Shane: To Buffalo. I'm not going.
Frank: Honey, I'm - we're all packed. Buffalo's gonna be a blast.
Shane: I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us.
Frank: Well, I don't think-
Shane: I'd really like you to come.
Frank: No. No, no. No, no, no, I - You don't want me huffing and puffing after you. If you want to go camping, Okay, I'll - I know I can get Uncle Bob to go with me in Buffalo. [lies down on couch]
Shane: [angry] I'm tired of this! It's not fair! I go where you want to go, I eat what you want to eat. Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself?
Frank: I think about you all the time.
Shane: Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?
Frank: Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!
Shane: You know, Dad, maybe if you and Mom listened to me a little more and took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here.
Frank: Will you knock off that hamburger talk? Come here, honey. Hey... [Shane sits next to him] your mom died...because she got sick.
Shane: And how do you think you get sick?
Frank: Germs.
Shane: It's the way you eat. [rolls her eyes and sighs angrily; leaves room]
Osmosis: Goodbye, Drips.
Drix: That's Drix.
Osmosis: Whatever.
Dispatcher: [over radio] Suspect is headed toward the uvula - repeat, headed toward the uvula.
Osmosis: What the heck is a u-va-la?
Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's-
Osmosis: [interrupting] Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
[Pause]
Osmosis: I knew that. I knew that.
Thrax: [last words] Too bad you won't be around to see me finish off Frank's little girl.
Osmosis: She's not goin' down; you are!

Taglines

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  • He's one cell of a guy
  • Everybody needs a hero

Cast

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Voices

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Live-action

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