Only Fools and Horses

Only Fools and Horses is a British sitcom which aired on BBC One for seven seasons, nineteen Christmas specials, and six special editions, from 1981 until 2003. It also had a spin-off series called The Green Green Grass, and a prequel trilogy called Rock & Chips.

Theme tune

Opening

Stick a pony in me pocket
I'll fetch the suitcase from the van.
'Cos if you want the best 'uns,
but you don't ask questions,
Then brother, I'm your man.
'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery,
It's like the changing of the seasons,
and the tides of the sea.
But here's the one that's driving me berserk,
Why do only fools and horses work?
La la la la, la la la la la, la la la la

Closing

We've got some half price cracked ice
and miles and miles of carpet tiles
TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
Ball games, gold chains, whatsanames, and at a push
Some Trevor Francis track suits
From a mush in Shepherd's Bush
Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush!
No income tax, no VAT
no money back, no guarantee
Black or white, rich or broke we'll cut prices at a stroke...
God bless Hooky Street.
Viva Hooky Street
Long live Hooky Street
C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
Magnifique, Hooky Street
Hooky Street

Series 1 (1981)

Big Brother [1.1]

[First lines of the series]

Grandad: (watching TV) That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he Rodney? He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Rodney: Yeah knock out Grandad. Sidney Potter?

Grandad: Yeah, you know him. Always plays the black fella.

Rodney: Sidney Poitier!

Grandad: Sidney Potter.

[They continue to argue until Del walks in.]

Del: Are you two at it again?

Rodney: Del. How do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Potter?

Del: Personally, I'd pronounce it Harry Belafonte, but you two please yourselves.

Del: (to Rodney) What are you doing?

Rodney: Our accounts.

Del: You keeping accounts now?! (to Grandad) Well, there you are Grandad. A lot of people said I was a right dipstick to make my brother a partner in the business. But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were!

Del: I grafted 19 or 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table, alright it wasn't always double legal but you ate the finest food that was going.

Rodney: All you use to give me was TV dinners or convienience food, if it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it. If you had been in charge of The Last Supper it would have been a takeaway!

Del: Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!

Del: (trying to explain to Rodney why Trotters Independent Traders never pays taxes) We don't pay V.A.T, we don't pay income tax or national insurance. On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit... The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the government nothing.

[Del and Rodney are at The Nag's Head, and Del notices Trigger]

Del: Ah, there he is. Oi, Trigger?! (gestures and Trigger comes over) Here. You know my brother, don't you, eh? [points at Rodney]

Trigger: Yeah, course I do. (to Rodney) How you going, Dave? (Trigger and Rodney shake hands; to Del) Sorry I'm late, Del Boy. I had to pop round me sister's to sort out an alibi for next Thursday. (to barmaid) Joycie! (he goes over to the bar as Del drinks)

Rodney: Del?

Del: Hmm?

Rodney: Del?

Del: What?

Rodney: (quietly) Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?

Del: No. It's 'cause he looks like a horse.

Del: You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed.

Grandad: (to Rodney) Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top. There again, he always used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup!

Rodney: I saw myself more in the capacity of a financial advisor.

Del: A financial advisor?! Bonjour Trieste! You are beautiful, you are, Rodney! Today, I almost clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for £175. When my "financial advisor" stuck his nose in, and advised me to pay £200. Right? And now, having paid the £200, my "financial advisor" now advises me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! Now, with financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?

Del: Do you hear that?

Rodney: No, what is it?

Del: That's Mum turning in her grave.

Go West Young Man [1.2]

Grandad: You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother.

Del: (sarcastically) No.

Del: It's been so long that Rodney had a bit on the side, he didn't know they'd moved it.

Rodney: I'm gonna do what Monica was doing last night!

Del: Going dancing with Mickey Pearce?

[Del wonders why Rodney took him to a peculiar club.]

Rodney: It looked all right from the outside.

Del: It looked all right from the outside? That's what the Christians said about the Colosseum!

Del: (hurriedly, after talking to a couple of "women") Drink up, we're leaving.

Rodney: Why? Are they a couple of ravers?

Del: No, they're a couple of geezers!"

Michelle: (asking Rodney which tennis turf he likes playing on) What do you prefer? Astroturf or grass?

Rodney: I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf!

Rodney: (telling Del what he has just accidentally done in the car on their way home) Del, you know that cigar packet you just gave me... I chucked out the window about a mile and a half back.

Del: You what? You pranny!!!!

[After Del brakes suddenly, another car a Cortina, smashes into the Jaguar he and Rodney are sitting in. The Cortina is driven by the Australian man.]

Del: God! I don't believe it. I just do not believe it! Now look what you've done Rodney, you've smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.

Rodney: Me? You were driving it.

Del: Don't play bloody word games with me, Rodney! (shouting at the car behind) What's your game pal. What is your game, are you blind or something?

Australian Man: I'm very sorry about that mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky... You! I've been looking for you two flaming Gollahs all day long... Now come here!

Del: What do you mean "won't see us arrive" I want people to see me arrive

Rodney: In a three wheeled van? Still got no choice have we?

Del: Yes we have. We can take Boycie's E type Jaguar

Cash and Curry [1.3]

Rodney: Are you all right, Del? I thought you was in bother!

Del: That's why it took you an hour and a half to come! Didn't Grandad tell you that I'd called?

Rodney: Oh yeah, he told me! "Del Boy's been captured by the Indians!" he said. I didn't know whether to call the police or the Texas Rangers!

Mr. Rahn: (to Del and Rodney) Vimmal Malik has in his possession the one single item that remains of my birthright. It's a simple porcelain statuette of Kuvera. You know who Kuvera is?

Del & Rodney: Yeah.

Del: You don't know who Kuvera is!

Rodney: Well he was, er, I don't know.

Del: See what I mean Mr. Rahn, he's got 2 O-Levels and he thinks he's Bamber Gascoigne's vest.

Rodney: Alright mastermind, who is he?

Del: Kuvera was one of India's Premier Wicket Keepers.

Rodney: You berk!

Mr. Rahn: Kuvera is the Hindu God of Wealth.

Vimmal: Where's your watch Derek?

Del: It's at the menders, I broke it last night playing you know volleyball.

Vimmal: I thought you were right-handed.

Del: No, I'm ambiguous.

Mr. Rahn: If I got into my car at 9:00 in the morning, it'd take me up to 2 in the afternoon to drive around my land.

Rodney: We had a car like that once.

[Del and Rodney reveal to the waiter in "Rahn's" restaurant that they paid £2000 for the statue]

Waiter: £2000? Why, you can get them for £17 in Portobello Road! It's amazing how much you can save if you shop around

[Del and Rodney have found out that Vimmal has left London with Mr. Rahn.]

Rodney: No sign of Vimmal?

Del: No, he packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left! As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night's Dream: "We've been done up like a couple of kippers."

The Second Time Around [1.4]

Rodney: Get us a packet of pork scratchings, will you?

Del: Pork scratchings! Sounds like a pig with fleas!

Pauline: You never married yourself, Del?

Del: No, no no, I never fancied myself!

[Rodney is not impressed by Pauline.]

Del: You don't have romantic feelings, you. You just have animal urges. Sometimes I think you've learned the art of seduction by watching Wildlife on One.

Del: Look at that Rodney, she's only had two husbands die on her.

Rodney: Yeah? One more and she keeps the match ball, don't she?

Pauline: It used to be your mother's room, Rodney, but it's mine now and I don't want to see you in there. Is that understood?

Rodney: Jawohl, mein Obergruppenführer! (gives a Nazi salute)

Grandad: (On the phone) 'Ere, there's someone on the phone. It's Tim.

Del: Tim who?

Grandad: Tim the Talking Clock. (Rodney takes the phone as Del double checks the note)

Del: Hold a cow! She only phoned the talking clock before she left! And this i-- (turns the note over) Gordon Bennett, this is dated four days ago!

Rodney: I don't want to worry you, Del, but this Tim's got a funny accent.

Del: (takes the phone and listens. A look of horror crosses his face) She only phoned the talking clock in America!

Grandad: (taking the phone) You mean we're connected to America? (listens) It's amazing, innit? Hello!!

Del & Rodney: HANG IT UP!!

A Slow Bus To Chingford [1.5]

Del: My only worry is, is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough?

Grandad: A tandem would be too big!

Del: This time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Grandad: You said that this time last year!

Del: As dear old Mum used to say, "It's better to know you've lost than not to know you've won." Dear old Mum... she used to say some bloody stupid things.

The Russians Are Coming [1.6]

Del: I'm not a ruthless mercenary. Who is it that goes around the estate every Christmas time, making sure all the old people have got enough to eat and drink?

Rodney: Yeah, and who was it, during the Brixton riot, that drove down in the van, selling paving stones to the rioters? I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them, eh? All run off home and start building patios?

Del: Mine is not to reason why, mine is to sell and buy.

[Del and Rodney are in the flat, discussing the British response to a World War III.]

Rodney: And what have we got in this country to combat the might of the Soviet Union? Three Jump Jets and a strongly worded letter to the Russian ambassador.

Rodney: I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.

Del: What principle?

Rodney: Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.

[Del and Rodney have just been stopped by a police officer during their attempt to beat the four minute warning to get to Grandad's allotment. The police officer has just walked off.]

Del: How are we doing for time Rodney?

Rodney: (looking at his watch) Erm, we died 45 seconds ago.

Christmas Special (1981)

Christmas Crackers

Grandad: I don't know why they have these drug addiction centres. Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is? Without them recruiting them.

Del: (to Rodney, in the Monte Carlo Club) I've heard your line of patter my son. If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result it's goodnight Vienna, innit?

Del: Now here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna leave the club.

Rodney: Leave?

Del: Yeah. And you wait a couple of minutes right? And then you'll come back saying that there's a brand new Rolls Royce Corniche obstructing your three wheeled van.

Series 2 (1982)

The Long Legs of the Law [2.1]

[Grandad is insulted by Rodney's lack of respect for the Trotter family honour]

Grandad: You've always been a bad 'un, Rodney.

Rodney: What, 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet?

Grandad: I mean smoking mari-jew-arna!

Del: (after Rodney goes on a date with a policewoman) One minute you're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute... Whack! Life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.

Grandad: Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, Del Boy. It were them that started me drinking.

Del: Yeah, I can understand that. The boy's grown into a man. I don't, I don't feel as needed as I used to be. Soon he'll, he'll fly the nest! But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years!

Grandad: (to Sandra) Rodney's got a police record!

Del: That's right, it's "Walking on the Moon"!

Sandra: Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property?

Rodney: Put you in charge of the Christmas Club more like.

Sandra: I'll give you 24 hours breathing space time to shall we say spring clean your flat and after that I'm coming round with the CID, That's 24 hours Rodney.

Rodney: Reminds me of that Gene Pitney song you know "24 Hours from Dartmoor".

Ashes to Ashes [2.2]

[At Trigger's grandad's funeral]

Trigger: You knew my granddad, Arthur, didn't you?

Granddad: Oh yeah, I knew Arthur alright.

Trigger: He was a smashing man. He took care of me after my mum went.

Rodney: Where was your dad?

Trigger: He died a couple of years before I was born.

[Rodney nods, then works out what's wrong with that sentence]

Rodney: It's Arthur's Ashes!

Del: Arthur's Ashes? That's the black bloke who won Wimbledon innit?

Del: Do you know any hymns?

Rodney: Er "We Three Kings of Orient Are".

Del & Rodney: (singing) We Three Kings...

Del: (suddenly stops) That's a Christmas carol, you wally. Why don't you go the whole hog, and sing "Jingle Bells" while I sprinkle him around a bit?!

A Losing Streak [2.3]

Grandad: You play cards again last night?

Del: Hmm... Yeah. You know me, eh: he who dares, wins.

Grandad: How did you get on?

Del: I lost.

Del: You are giving my arse a headache, Rodney!

Del: Beneath all this finery, there lies... a berk. Now that surprises you dunnit?

Rodney: No.

[Del places a few £10 notes on the table]

Boycie: Is that all you've got Del?

Del: Eh? Uh no, no (nudging his head towards Rodney), Rodney's got the rest for me...

Rodney: Oh yeah... Del, here's the four pound thirty-seven from the empties...

Del: What you got?

Boycie: I've got kings.

Del: How many?

Boycie: Un, deux, tois, quatre.

Del: Four!?

Boycie: I didn't know you were good at maths Del Boy.

Boycie: Come on Del, let's see your two pair.

Del: Well I've got a pair of aces and another pair of aces.

Boycie: That's FOUR aces.

Del: I didn't know you were good at maths either Boycie.

[Del has just beaten Boycie in their poker game]

Boycie: (grudgingly) Well done, Del. Nicely played. (whispers) Where did you get those four bloody Aces from?

Del: Same place you got those Kings. I knew you was cheating, Boycie.

Boycie: Oh yeah, how?

Del: Because that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.

No Greater Love [2.4]

Rodney: (to himself on spotting that picture of Tommy whilst alone in the room) Bloody Hell, he's a big bloke!

Irene: You'd better tell me your name, it'll get a bit embarrasing if I have to call you "Thingy" all night!

Rodney: My name's Rodney.

Irene: Irene.

Rodney: No, Rodney.

[At the dinner table]

Del: How old is she, 20?

Rodney: No, she's about, 30!

Del: How old is "about 30"?

Rodney: 40!

Del: (coughing) 40! 40? Stone me Rodney.

Rodney: What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?

Del: Nothing. Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50! Blimey, she's even too old for me!

Grandad: Well I'd have to think twice!

[Del meeting Tommy Mackay.]

Del: Oh, but it was only a friendly drink.

Tommy Mackay: But I'm not a friendly geezer. And that kind of thing makes me really angry! I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll remember for the rest of your life, Rodney, my old son!

Del: Now let's not be hasty, eh? Rodney? Did you say Rodney?

Tommy Mackay: Yeah that's right, Rodney Trotter, that's you, annit?

Del: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah I'm... I'm Rodney Trotter, yeah!

Tommy: Good, okay, Leroy, give him some air!

Del: (to Tommy and Leroy after his camel coat lands in a puddle before the fight) Now look what you made do! That was a brand new coat!!

The Yellow Peril [2.5]

[Del and Rodney are sitting on a bench next to their mother's grave.]

Del: It's quiet here.

Rodney: (not really listening to what Del is saying) Yeah...

Del: Peaceful.

Rodney: Yeah.

Del: You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese take away tomorrow.

Rodney: Yeah...

Del: The sun is shining and the birds are singing.

Rodney: (realises what Del has said) What was that?

Del: The sun is shinging and the birds are singing?

Rodney: No, before that.

Del: Everything's quiet and peaceful?

Rodney: No Del, in between everything being quiet and peaceful and the sun shining and the birds signing, you said something about a Chinese take away?

Mr. Chin: I had a telephone call from a man, he did not give me his name but he tells me, "Get your kitchen painted or you'll be in big trouble, John."

Rodney: Oh. (penny drops) John?

Del: Yeah, John. You know the expression "John". Cockney expression, bruv.

Mr. Chin: Have you decided what colour the walls will be?

Del: Oh yes of course you don't think I'd leave something that important to the last minute, do you? (to Rodney) Get that lid off!.

Rodney: (struggling to open a tin of paint) I'm trying.

Del: I thought... and you can shoot me down in flames if you like Mr. Chin, but what I thought the colour these walls should be... (to Rodney) Have you got the lid off yet?!?

Mr. Chin: Blue.

Del: What?

Mr. Chin: I like blue.

Del: Oh blue. Je suis frontiers. That is exactly what I thought. I thought why don't we paint these walls a nice subtle shade of blue.

Mr. Chin: What shade of blue?

Rodney: Yellow.

Del: And then I changed my mind. I thought not blue. I thought we should paint them gold.

Rodney: That's yellow.

Del: This is gold, Rodney. Are you illiterate or something? You see I remembered the name of your beautiful restaurant. Gold for the Golden Lotus.

[A cat escapes from Mr. Chin's Golden Lotus restaurant.]

Del: Don't let him go! That's not gonna please Mr Chin, ain't it?

Rodney: Was it his pet?

Del: No, but number 39 is off the menu.

Rodney: What have you been up to, Del?

Del: Oh, bits and pieces.

Rodney: Where have you been?

Del: Here and back.

Rodney: So what have you been doing?

Del: This and that.

Rodney: As long as I know.

Grandad: I thought you'd winkle it out of him in the end.

Rodney: You swore to me it wasn't nicked. Bankrupt stock you said.

Del: British Rail, same thing init?

Grandad: (Rodney is angry after finding out the paint used for the kitchen was hooky) Tunnels?

Del: What?

Rodney: No, he said that!

Grandad: Trigger said the paint was used for painting signs in tunnels, well how can you see a sign in a tunnel, it's pitch black innit?

Trigger: Nah it's alright, this is luminous.

Del: See Grandad, it's luminous, which means you can see in the... Luminous?!

Grandad: (on the telephone) Oh, hello Mr. Chin. No Del's gone out. I'm not sure... Where have you gone to, Del?

[Del on the telephone to Mr. Chin; Mr. Chin's kitchen walls are luminous yellow.]

Mr. Chin: Don't you "Hello, Mr. Chin" me! What have you done to my walls?!

Del: Glowing, are they? Tell them not to be frightened, cos this is new energy saving paint we're using. It's designed to cut down on the electricity bills. Yeah. Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll be round to see you first thing in the morning. (puts the receiver down)

Rodney: Does he want his money back?

Del: No, he wants you to go round tomorrow and do out his living room in it!

[At a graveyard, on the brow of the hill, their mother's monument is glowing a luminous yellow in the night sky. It looks radioactive.]

Grandad: Oh my good gawd...

Rodney: Is this where you've been for the last couple of days, painting Mum's monument??

Del: It was her favourite colour and we both agreed it needed brightening up.

Rodney: Brightening? It looks more like a rocket launch!

Del: Well, I didn't know it was going to be luminous, did I?

Rodney: Do you realise our mum's grave is now going to become a beacon for every Satanist and acid-head in England? There's gonna be white witches dancing round that on a full moon! There's going to be chicken blood everywhere!

Grandad: What worries me is that it's on the main flight path to Heathrow!

Del: I wish you two could see yourselves; there's Mum and her monument, she's fast asleep, the third coat's hardly dry and you're already quivering in your shoes. Well, I'll tell you this much, I don't regret that I did it, and I will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks and their narrow-minded rules! I shall look 'em straight in the face and say "I am the man who's responsible and I'm proud of it!" [Del takes another look at the monument, grimaces and turns to face Rodney and Grandad] We'll put it down to vandals. Come on, let's get out of here before we get our collars felt!

It Never Rains... [2.6]

Rodney: You were gun-running in the middle of a civil war?

Grandad: Well, that's the best time to do it Rodney, supply and demand.

Rodney: Why you dirty little mercenary.

Grandad: Oh we didn't do it purely for financial gain. Oh no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause.

Del: Which side were you selling to?

Grandad: Well whichever side had the most money, really.

Rodney: [discussing Grandad's arrest] They'll just deport him again.

Del: Just deport him? You're joking! They've just had the World Cup here, haven't they?! They've got half of Manchester and Glasgow to get rid of first! By the time we get him back, he'll be eating paella and calling us gringoes!

Grandad: (in the cell, recounting his earlier experience with the Spanish authorities) ...they took Nobby away and tortured him...all through the night, you could hear his screams!

Rodney: Woke you up at one point, didn't it?

Grandad: (shaking his head) The last thing on my mind was sleep, but no matter how hard they tried, Nobby wouldn't say a word... and then it were my turn...

Rodney: (briefly concerned) What... they tortured you?

Grandad: No... but they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew!

A Touch of Glass [2.7]

[The Trotters have just finished attending an auction.]

Del: Can you manage, Grandad?

Grandad: Yeah, I think so, Del.

Del: Mind your hernia! That's not bad, you know? I reckon we done well there.

Grandad: Waste of money if you ask me, come all this way and all.

Del: What do you mean a waste of money? They're beautiful! Not only are they exquisite ornaments, guaranteed to brighten any sideboard, they are also a revolving musical box!

Rodney: They are China cats that play "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window."

Del: What do you want for £1.25, "Okla-bleeding-homa"?!

Rodney: Don't you think it's a bit sick? A cat playing a song about a dog.

Del: No, it means they're unique.

Grandad: It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in.

Del: When a North Korean came to live in London, he thought that Battersea dog's home was a takeway.

Del: Here Grandad. You want a jemmy?

Grandad: Nah. Had one before we left Del.

Del: Grandad! How you getting on?

Grandad: All right Del Boy. I found it Del.

Del: There you are, he's found the nut. Told you we could trust him.

Grandad: I'm starting to undo it.

Del & Rodney: (rushing under the chandelier with the tarpaulin) Noooo!!!

Del: You silly old duffer, we ain't up the ladders yet!

Rodney: Grandad, don't you touch nothing 'til we tell you!

Del: Right up we go Rodders. Anything you want?

Rodney: Yeah, I wanna go home.

Del: All right Grandad, we're ready. You can start undoing it now.

Grandad: (unscrewing the bolt) It's coming, Del Boy. One more turn, Del.

Del: Right, now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself.

[Grandad hits the screw with a hammer and the other chandelier falls to the ground and smashes, while Del and Rodney both look on in horror]

Del: (calmy, to Rodney) Grandad was undoing the other chandelier.

Rodney: How can you tell?

[The chandelier has just fallen down and smashed. Grandad walks downstairs]

Grandad: Alright, Del Boy.

Del: Alright? Look at it!

Grandad: Did you drop it, Del?

Rodney: How could we drop it?! We wasn't even holding it! We was working on that one.

Grandad: Well I wish you'd said something, 'cos I was working on this one. Is it very valuable Del?

Del: (smiling) Nah, not really. (angry) It was bleeding priceless when it was hanging up there though!

Christmas Specials (1982)

Christmas Trees

Vicar: I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?

Diamonds Are for Heather

Del: (commenting on the chicken he's been eating at the Nag's Head) Tough? Tough? It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!

Heather: (after listening to Old Shep) Did you have an old dog?

Del: I've had many old dogs in my time!

Series 3 (1983)

Homesick [3.1]

Del: There are 2,000 stories in the Naked City and this plonker is looking for a basket on wheels.

[Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting.]

Del: Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?

Rodney: Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?

Del: Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.

Rodney: No! Did she report it?

Del: Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.

Rodney: Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... Hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?

Del: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.

Rodney: She's very intelligent actually. We got on really well.

Del: Yeah, they do say opposites attract, don't they?

[Dr. Becker has examined Grandad.]

Dr. Becker: Don't worry, he's got legs like Nijinsky.

Del: (puzzled) Nijinsky is a racehorse.

Rodney: No, Del, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer.

Dr. Becker: No I don't!

Grandad: (bedbound) Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated.

Del: Well you'll have to wait till the morning, 'cos they'll be closed now!

Healthy Competition [3.2]

(Following a police chase, Del angrily returns home. He slams the flat door and throws a suitcase across the room.)

Granded: Had a good day, Del?

(Del throws his cap on the floor in anger)

Del: Oh, good day?! Good day?! Oh, the best Grandad! The very bloody best! I've been chased by a gendarme, attacked by Pussycat Willum, almost caught rabies and it's all this dipstick's fault!

Rodney: [entering the flat] Oh, he don't half exaggerate.

Del: Exaggerate?! You should have been with me in that alley, Rodney! It was like Call of the Wild! Why didn't you warn me that copper was coming?!

Rodney: Because I didn't see him!

Del: You didn't see him?! What do you want me to get you, radar or something?!

Rodney: I am 24 years old, I have two GSEs, thirteen years of schooling and three terms at an adult education centre behind me, right? And with all that, what have I become? I am a lookout.

Del: No, Rodney, you're wrong. You're not just a lookout, you're a bad lookout!

[After Rodney announces he's starting a business with Mickey Pearce]

Grandad: You wanna watch that young Pearcey, he's a bit too fly for my liking. He'd rob his own grandmother, he would!

Rodney: Oh don't be stupid, Grandad! [under his breath] That was never proved.

Mickey Pearce: What are these things?

Del: Those? They are lawnmower engines.

Rodney: Lawnmower engines?

Del: Listen, they're not ordinary lawnmower engines.

Rodney: (interested) No?

Del: No, they're broken lawnmower engines.

Del: Well, I've gotta admire yer bottle Rodders - I must admit. You've been in the business five minutes and already you've opened up a Spanish branch. You've cornered the World market on broken lawnmower engines - what's your partner doing now, is he buying second-hand pedalos?

Rodney: No, no, no, nothing like that, no, we're - we're going into the self-catering holiday trade.

Del: Cor, what on 200 nicker?

Rodney: Yeah well, we're starting in a small way.

Grandad: What you got, a Wendy House?

Friday the 14th [3.3]

Rodney: Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.

Del: When we see the gamekeeper, when we get down there, we pay him 25 quid.

Rodney: What? And he gives us a fishing permit?

Del: No, he shows us the hole in the fence.

Rodney: I knew it.

Del: It's called business.

Rodney: It's called stealing!

Grandad: No it ain't, Rodney.

Del: Listen to your grandad.

Grandad: It's called poaching.

Policeman: They called him "The Axe Murderer". He murdered a group of local fisherman. (Del and Rodney look at each other nervously) Oh well. Have a nice weekend.

Del: It's blowing a ruddy typhoid out there!

Rodney: It's a typhoon...

Del: Hmm? Oh, good idea Rodney, stick the kettle on. We'll have a nice cup of tea.

Del: (when Rodney claims that the Axe Murderer is nearby) So what are you telling me then? The psycho's up stairs having a kip?

Grandad: Well he could be up there, Del Boy.

Del: Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, I should think the three bears have probably eaten him by now!

Rodney: Ah, Picadilly. Right, that's mine and I have a hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds.

Grandad: Twelve hundred pounds for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?

Rodney: What?

Grandad: All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car, or look for a bed and breakfast.

Rodney: No, you don't understand. Bless his little... Look, it's in the rules.

Grandad: Twelve hundred quid-it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.

Del: Ah, Park Lane, I think that's one of my properties Rodney.

Rodney: Course it is. You own everything on the board.

Del: No I don't, no I don't. Look, you've got Coventry Street, Grandad has the waterworks and all that. Ah yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, two thousand please.

Rodney: Two... hold on, according to this it's only fifteen hundred.

Del: Yes I know, but I've put you in the penthouse suite haven't I?

Grandad: He's a psycho!

Chief of Security/Axe Murderer: Do you have any idea what a "psycho", as you so eloquently put it, is?

Grandad: Of course I have. He is a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.

Chief of Security/Axe Murderer: Is that a police helicopter?

Del: No, it's Barratts!

Yesterday Never Comes [3.4]

[Rodney is sceptical about Del's latest acquisition.]

Del: You don't know nothing about antiques, do you? I mean, you know, dealers often put little holes in items like these to give it that sort of distressed look.

Rodney: Distressed? Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.

Rodney: Del, for once in your life be yourself, right? And you don't need none of them soppy French phrases neither.

Del: What do you mean, "soppy phrases"? La bonne vie, you stupid ...

Rodney: See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French. You're still struggling with English.

Del: What is it with you, Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?

Rodney: I'm just being honest with you. Let's face it, Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of Citroën manuals, don't they?

May The Force Be With You [3.5]

Rodney: Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.

Trigger: You've got a hat now, have you, Dave?

DI Roy Slater: I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now.

Del: (chuckles) Yeah... Uh, yeah.

Slater: What number King's Avenue does he live?

Del: I dunno, but you can't miss it. It's the one with the Jolly Roger flying from the chimney.

Slater: Oh, that takes me back, Del. Do you remember when we were kids and we used to go over the pond and play at pirates. You were Dan Tempest. Trigger was Long John Silver... What character did I play Del?

Del: You played the bloke what walked the plank.

Slater: Oh, yeah. The bloke that walked the plank. I was always the bloke that walked the plank. I must have been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head! I always wanted to be Bluebeard!

Del: Well you should have said so.

Slater: I did say so, but you would never let me!

Del: I did once.

Slater: Oh yeah, I remember, that was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank!

[The Trotters are in separate cells, the scene shifts to each of them one by one.]

Slater: Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like?

Del: Oh, he was about average height.

Grandad: He was a great big tall fella!

Rodney: Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!

Grandad: Age?

Rodney: About 25.

Grandad: Middle 50s!

Del: He was just a kid!

Slater: What about his ethnic group?

Del: Well, I didn't notice anyone with him.

Slater: No, I mean was he Caucasian?

Grandad: No, he was a white fella!

Rodney: He was African, I think!

Slater: Sorry did you want a cup of tea, Del?

Del: No, it's alright Slater, I had one yesterday.

Slater:According to you and your family we are looking for a six foot seven inch dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, white male with oriental features who's as black as Newgates Knocker. Oh yeah and he wears a Deaf aid.

Grandad: He was just a bloke in the market.

Del Boy: Leave it out Grandad. If Mr Slater was here to believe our descriptions he'd have his men out searching for someone who was a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant.

Slater: With a Deaf aid

Rodney: I'm saying nothing till I phone my solicitor.

Slater: Go on then phone your solicitor

[He puts the phone out]

Rodney: I haven't got a solicitor.

Slater: Don't waste my bloody time then.

Del: No I give you fifty quid and you let us go.

Slater:I didn't hear that Del.

Del: I said [louder] I GIVE YOU FIFTY QUID

Rodney: Del.

Slater: Come on Del. Who nicked it?

Del: They are free to go, ain't they?

Slater: Yeah, they're free to go, no charges.

Del: And you got nothing on me?

Slater: No, you've got immunity from prosecution, you've got less chance of a pull than the Queen. For the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry?

Del: I did! (holds up immunity letter triumphantly)

Wanted [3.6]

Del: Who are you two after? Not the gruesome twosome, are you?

Mickey Pearce: They're alright!

Del: What do you mean, "alright"? They are so ugly that they even look alike.

Rodney: Del, they happen to be sisters.

Del: Sisters? (to the girls) Oi, girls! Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?

Del: You don't want to see what it's like in the early hours, Grandad. It's like the end of the world. It's full of drug addicts, glue sniffers, winos. Do you know what, if a nightingale sang now in Berkeley Square, someone would eat it.

Rodney: I have had nothing to eat since I've been here.

Del: Why's that? Been too frightened?

Rodney: No, I forgot the tin opener.

Del: Why didn't you pop down for it?

Rodney: Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener.

Who's a Pretty Boy? [3.7]

Karen (bar maid): Do you know that overcoat you sold my dad?

Del: Yeah?

Karen (bar maid): It's got a great, big lump in the back.

Del: Of course! It's genuine camel hair, ain't it?

Denzil: He's cool, I like it. I tell you, if he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black.

Del: Yeah, he is white, ain't he?

Denzil: The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.

Rodney: I'm not ever so white!

Del: You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.

[Del, Rodney, and Grandad think that they have accidentally killed Corinne's canary.]

Del: We gotta think of a way out of this.

Rodney: I got it! We could say it was caused by paint fumes.

Del: Paint fumes? When Corinne comes back in here, she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried Canary at the bottom of her cage. And we're gonna say it's paint fumes?

[Del and Mike, discussing Mike's plan to have the pub redecorated; Brendan has already offered to do it for £1000.]

Del: I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son. I could get this pub decorated to the exact same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere £2000.

Rodney: £2000?

Grandad: That must be a tempting offer, eh Rodney?

Rodney: Well he's a born businessman isnt he?

Mike: Hang about, hang about. Why should I turn down an offer of £1000 and accept one of £2000?

Del: Cos of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit sharing scheme. Let me explain how it works. The £2000 would be disbursed thus: there would be £500 for vous. £500 for vee.

Mike: What you mean I get 500 quid?

Del: Oh yes.

Mike: And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?

Del: We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.

Mike: (grinning) We got a deal, Mr. Trotter.

Grandad: Where do I get a canary from?

Rodney: Well why don't you try the boot menders (!)

Christmas Special (1983)

Thicker than Water

Reg: I never raised a hand to your mother, Rodney, except in self-defence!

Grandad: Hospital bed? What's wrong with you, Reggie?

Del: Something serious, I hope!

Del: (talking about his father) Don't be fooled by him, Rodney. He's had everything from Galloping Lurgy to Saturday Night Fever! I was doing some homework once and I asked him what a cubic foot was. He said he didn't know, but he tried to have a week off work with it!

Del: It's a right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be, innit! I mean, some people get wise men bearing gifts; we get a wally with a disease!

Rodney: Well I can't wait to fill out my next passport application form. Mother's name: Joan Mavis Trotter; father's name: Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

Reg: If your mother was alive now, I'd kill her.

Rodney: You're only one letter out! Look, the only difference between us is a B.

Del: Yeah and we all know what the B stands for!

Del: (after finding out that his father faked an illness) They ran his name through the computer but they didn't have a patient called Trotter. But they did have a porter called Trotter. He left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, 133 pair of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta!!

Educational Special (1984)

Licensed to Drill

Del: Don't you get septic with me Rodney!

Del: (pointing to an assortment of household items made from crude oil) What have all these things got in common?

Rodney: They're all nicked?

Series 4 (1985)

Happy Returns [4.1]

June: (about her son Jason) I think he misses his dad.

Del: Yeah, I used to miss my dad. Until I learned to punch straight...

June: You had a kid brother. Rodney! How is he?

Del: He's alright. He's just reached that awkward age, you know. He's a bit like a trifle.

June: What do you mean? All mixed up?

Del: No, he's thick and fruity.

Del: What are you up to, Mickey?

Mickey Pearce: I've just come back from evening school. I'm learning aikido.

Del: Really? Go on then, say something.

Mickey Pearce: Eh?

Del: Say something in Aikido.

Mickey Pearce: No, it's not a language Del. It's a martial art! I had a fight with five blokes last night!

Del: What was it, a pillow fight? Leave it out you ain't got a mark on you son!

Mickey Pearce: That's because I wiped 'em out with Aikido.

Del: Can you smell that? What is that? Sheep is it? It's cows? No, no, I know what it is. It's bullshit!

Rodney: (about Debbie) I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece!

Del: Alright, Rodney. Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's... well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law!

Rodney: Bloody hell!

Del: Your mother-in-law would have been your aunt, your wife would have been your second cousin - God knows what that would have made Grandad - the fairy godmother I should think.

Strained Relations [4.2]

Albert: Your name Rodney, son?

Rodney: Well, it is when Trigger's not about!

Albert: Do you know I was torpedoed five times?

Rodney: Yeah?

Albert: Yeah. Do you know what they called me?

Rodney: Jonah?

Albert: No, they didn't call me "Jonah"... Not many of them. They used to call me "Boomerang Trotter" cause I always came back.

Albert: (heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?

Del: No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room!

Albert: Yeah but - I'm his brother!

Del: Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather.

Albert: I understand, Del.

Del: No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.

[Rodney enters from the hall carrying some batteries.]

Rodney: Oi, where'd you want these then?

Del: Oh, sling them in Grandad's room for now will you, Rodney.

[Rodney accuses Del of getting over Grandad's death so quickly.]

Del: Get over it?! What a plonker you really are, Rodney. Get over it - I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started, bruv! And do you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy, ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! "Here you are pal, what you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!" That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to... Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with them! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, (on the verge of tears) and then they break your bloody heart!

Rodney: (whispers) I'm sorry.

Del: I'll have a Malibu & tonic with some lime and half a lager, please, darling.

Maureen (bar maid): In the same glass?

Del: No, in separate glasses if you don't mind.

Maureen (bar maid): Well, I don't know, do I? Might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del.

[It's the morning after Grandad's funeral. The place is still messy following the wake. Rodney is sleeping on the couch. The front door of the flat opens and Del comes in, switching the lights on as he does.]

Rodney: [waking up] Alright?

Del: Hmm?

Rodney: [stretching] Did you get Albert home safely?

Del: Yeah, I got him home safely alright, Rodney. [goes to his bedroom]

[No sooner has Del left the living room that the front door opens again. It's Uncle Albert this time, still wearing the same clothes as yesterday, and comes in with a duffel sack slung over his shoulder, making him look a little like Father Christmas.]

Albert: [as he sets his bag down; to Rodney] Mornin', son.

Rodney: Morning. [realises something is wrong; looks at Albert] You're back.

Albert: [jovially] Boomerang Trotter, always comes back!

Rodney: [gets up; incredulously] What happened?!

Del: [comes back into the living room, now without his leather jacket; annoyed] What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I drove him all the way back to North London, right through the bleedin' rush hour... and what do we find when we got there? Stan and Jean have moved!

Rodney: [stands up; not working out what's happening] Moved? W-wh-what d'ya mean, "moved"?

Del: What d'ya mean, "what do I mean"? They've hooked the caravan on the back of the Cortina, and they've had it away!

Albert: [sitting at the dinner table; indicates his duffel bag] This was lying where the caravan once stood. It's just me... clothes, and a few personal belongings. [starts digging through it]

Rodney: What...you mean, that's all you've got in the world?

Del: No, no, we've got to back tomorrow to pick up his parrot! [strides off to a chair by the TV] How can they do this to me, eh?! [sits down]

Rodney: That is disgusting, innit? [walks over to Del] I mean, deserting him like that! [sits down in the chair next to Del]

Albert: Yeah, it ain't the first time it's happened, either.

Rodney: [having seemingly not heard Albert's remark] I mean, I think there should be a law or something against that!

Del: Yeah, I know. All I wanna know is where they've gone... [thinks about what Albert said; incredulously] Here, what'd you say just then?

Albert: I said, "it ain't the first time it's happened either". Do you remember your cousin Audrey? I went and stayed with her and her husband Kevin for a year. One day, he sent my down to Sainsbury's with a shopping list; when I come back, they'd emigrated. Not a dicky bird to me, though! Then there was young Gillian. You know, Patsy's girl. I went over there to give her a bit of comfort, 'cause her husband was on nights. Six months later, she sets fire to the house! She got three months' medical supervision for that. I can remember thinking, as I stood on the ledge and jumped into the fireman's net, "that's gratitude for ya".

Rodney: [worriedly] I've got a funny feeling, Del.

Del: [knowing what Rodney is worried about] So have I, Rodney. I feel like a turkey who's just caught Bernard Matthews grinning at him.

Albert: [holds up a few folded shirts from his bag] What shall I do with these, then?

Del: [gets up and quickly approaches Albert] I'll tell you what you wanna do with those, shall I? [picks up Albert's bag and snatches Albert's shirts out of his hand; angrily] You put them in here, right? [shoves the shirts in the bag] In they go, they go in there, 'cause you're not staying here, alright?!

Albert: No, of course not. [as Del throws the bag on the floor] Just for a couple of days, that's all.

Del: No. No, no. Not for a couple of days, not for one day! [points at the door] There's a Seamen's Mission down the end of St Catherine's Dock, you go down there! Go on!

Albert: I thought I could just have a look at the local paper, and...find myself some digs.

Del: That's a good idea, Uncle! They'll have a local paper down at the Mission! Now go on, sling your hook!

Albert: Yeah, all right, Del. You don't mind if I have a quick cup of tea, though?

Del: No, go on, there's a flask of cold tea out there, and some vol-au-vonts from yesterday! [points in the direction of the kitchen] Go on, you can have them!

Albert: Cheers, son. [goes to the kitchen]

Rodney: [grinning] Oi. [gets up]

Del: Hmm?

Rodney: [goes to Del, thinking that Del is having a joke] What you doing, winding him up?

Del: Yeah, yeah. [goes to Albert's bag; madly] I'm winding him up, [grabs the bag] I'm winding him up, aren't I?! [throws the bag into the porch]

Rodney: [sickened by what Del has done; as Del pours himself a drink] Del, he only wants to stay for a couple of nights and get himself sorted out!

Del: He's a Trotter, Rodney. [puts bottle down]

Rodney: [points at himself; accusingly] WE'RE Trotters!

Del: Yes, I know, but we take after Mum in nature; [gestures with his head in the direction of the kitchen, where Albert still is] he's from Dad's side of the family. You know what they're like; you offer 'em a cup of tea, and they think you've adopted 'em. Look at that time when Dad came round here. He wanted to stay one night! Took us nigh on a fortnight to get rid of him.

[Del drinks as Rodney goes to the kitchen and closes the door. While Rodney's back is turned, Del makes a face after drinking.]

Rodney: [now back with Del; in a low voice and insistently] Uncle Albert might not be like that!

Del: Oh, leave it out, Rodney! You've heard him yourself when he was telling us about that time he came round the Cape of Good Hope! [gestures] He was three months on the same wave! [drinks]

Rodney: [clearly hurt] I don't believe you, Del. [accusingly] I do not believe that you, of all people, could... [points at the kitchen; relents, then goes to the porch]

Del: [annoyed] Where do you think you're going?!

Rodney: [sourly] I'm going down the caff! I'm gonna get some grub and some better company! [closes the door, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he's still in his pyjamas]

[Del stares contemptuously at the door, clearly hurt by what Rodney has said. As he is about to drink, Rodney comes back in, having finally realised that he needs to dress.]

Rodney: [still sour] I'm gonna put some clothes on. [walks past Del to get to his bedroom]

Hole in One [4.3]

Uncle Albert: [shaking his head at Rodney] They must have seen him coming! [Del enters, glaring at Rodney]

Del: Morning unc.

Albert: Morning son.

Del: What's it like out?

Albert: Oh it's parky Del.

Del: Nice thick frost, is there?

Albert: Bit slippery under foot.

Del: Good. Lovely little flecks of snow?

Albert: Bit of sleet yeah.

Del: Cushty. Nice brisk northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?

Albert: Cuts right through yer, Del.

Del: Lovely. 'Cause you see today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCE's, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal underwear, we're gonna make a right killing! Do you know why we're gonna make a killing? We ain't got woolly underwear. We've got sun tan lotion! And we ain't just got a little drop of sun tan lotion... We've got 500 bloody quid's worth of the stuff!

Rodney: I told you before, I bought it as an investment.

Del: An investment!? Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for two million years, with the weathermen laying odds on a new ice age, this dipstick goes out and buys up Ambre Solaire!

Rodney: The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer! So come May or June, we can sell all that, or swap it for something else!

Del: Like 50 or 60 anoraks, maybe!

Rodney: You won't give me no credit, will ya?

Albert: Nor will that Paki.

Rodney: Shut up Albert!

Albert: Nothing to do with me.

Del: That £500 that you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital!

Rodney: Oh, and how was I supposed to know that?

Del: (incredulous) How were you supposed to know that!? You're the firm's accountant, you wally!!!

Rodney: Throw that at me now, will ya?

Del: Oh, look at that! We've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with.

Albert: Well it can't be that bad, Del. There must be something you can knock out.

Del: Yeah. I know what I would like to knock out! [glowers at Rodney]

Albert: What's in the van?

Del: Nothing.

Albert: What's in the garage?

Rodney: The van.

Del: The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep fryer I gave to the governor of the Nag's Head and I'm still waiting for a comeback on that!

Rodney: [gesturing at Albert] Well, it's him, innit? I mean ever since he came to live here, we've had nothing but bad luck!

Albert: What's he on about now!?

Del: Oh, I don't know!

Rodney: Alright, what about the time he was in the Navy!? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or divebombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx!

Del: Oh, leave it out, Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!

Rodney: I've been thinking...

Del: Leave it out, Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.

Rodney: (after Albert fell down the open cellar door of the Nag's Head) There's nothing wrong with him. He said so himself.

Del: How does he know that? He might have hit his head and got percussion.

Del: The worstest thing of all, Your Honour, is these sudden bouts of amnesia. They have led to him having some very nasty falls.

Judge: I fail to see the connection. How can amnesia cause one to fall?

Del: He keeps forgetting he can't walk.

[Del returns to the bench at the back of the courtroom and sits down next to Rodney, behind Solly and Mike.]

Del: [Leaning forward] Alright Mike? [Mike nods, but exclaims in pain from the neck brace he is wearing. Del taps Solly on the shoulder] How we doing, Solly?

Solly: We’re home and dry. This could be a ten grander coming up here. [Del laughs]

Judge: Fraser, do you intend calling any more witnesses?

Fraser: [Stands up] I have no further witnesses, m’lud. [Sits down]

Judge: Mr Gerrard?

Gerrard: [Stands up] Just one further witness, Your Honour. I call the plaintiff, Albert Gladstone Trotter. [Rodney and Del look at each other worriedly.]

[A court clerk pushes Albert in a wheelchair to the witness stand.]

Del: [to Solly; worriedly] I thought you said they wouldn’t call him!

Solly: I said we wouldn’t call him! Look, don’t worry. I’ve already briefed him. Any awkward questions, he just claims loss of memory.

Rodney: [worriedly] Loss of memory? [Examines Albert] Knowing him, he’ll forget!

Clerk: [holding a copy of the Bible in one hand and a small card in the other] Take the book in your right hand, and read the card.

[Albert tries to stand up.]

Judge: There’s no need to stand, Mr Trotter. Please remain seated.

Albert: [relents standing up] Oh, thank you, Your Worship. [Takes his hat off, takes the Bible and card from the clerk; reads the card quickly] “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth.”

Gerrard: You are Albert Gladstone Trotter, presently residing at 368 Nelson Mandela House, Dockside Estate, Peckham?

Albert: I think so, sir.

Gerrard: Yes. I’ll make this as brief as possible, Mr Trotter. I realise how distressing this must be for you. Do you have any recollection of the accident?

Albert: Very little, sir. One minute I was walking along, on my way to post my entry form for The Krypton Factor…next minute, I was falling through the air! All my life flashed before me: Battle of River Plate, Sinking of the Graf Spee…er, raid on Telemark…

[Albert recites something, but this is drowned out by Mike, shaking his head and then exclaiming in pain.]

Judge: Silence, that man!

Mike: [in pain; quietly] Sorry, Your Honour!

Gerrard: Have you every suffered with amnesia before?

Albert: I can’t remember.

Gerrard: I see. But you can remember the War. After all, you have all your ribbons there to remind you. Where were you based, Mr Trotter?

Albert: I was overseas, sir.

Gerrard: [with mock astoundment] Really? How odd! I looked into your Naval records, and it seems that you spent the best part of the War stationed in a…storage depot, on the Isle of Wight! Hardly overseas.

Albert: You wanna try walking it, pal!

[Del and Rodney look at each other.]

Gerrard: I also noticed, Mr Trotter, that in May 1944, you were one of several Naval ratings seconded to a Marine parachute unit, specially formed for missions behind enemy lines. I believe you were involved in laundry matters. But whilst with this unit, you underwent basic parachute training. [As Del and Rodney look at each other] Would you tell the court what this training consisted of?

Albert: Er…jumping off of things.

Gerrard: “Jumping off of things.” In other words, learning to fall without injuring oneself.

Albert: [to the Judge] My memory ain’t what it used to be, Your Worship.

Gerrard: [Interrupting as Albert is trying to continue] I sympathise, Mr Trotter, and I intend to help you as much as I can. [Del’s face slowly falls as the next dialogue takes place] Tell me, could you possibly be the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1946, fell down the cellar of The Victory Inn, Portsmouth, and received £100 compensation?

[Del and Rodney look at Albert in astonishment]

Albert: I-I can’t remember that far back, sir.

Gerrard: Well, let’s try a more recent case then. Er, could you have been the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1951, fell down the cellar of The Coach and Horses, Peckham Rye, and received a £225 out of court settlement?

Albert: [realising his criminal past is coming to light] My mind’s a blank.

Gerrard: Maybe you were the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1949, fell down the cellar of the Cross Keys Off License, Gravesend? How about The Thatched Inn, Canning Town? Or does the Brunswick Club, New Cross, ring a bell?

Rodney: [drowns out Gerrard reading out a list of pubs, off licenses and clubs that Albert had defrauded by falling down their cellars, meaning their case has failed] I don’t believe it!

Del: It’s a bloody nightmare, Rodney. It’s a bloody nightmare! He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin!

[Everybody in the court room, including Rodney and Del, discover that Albert learned how to fall without injuring himself in order to gain compensation.]

Del: The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutta. And what was it the insurance companies nicknamed him?!

Rodney: The Ferret.

Del: The Ferret!

Rodney: He's had fifteen previous lawsuits for falling down holes.

Del: Those are the known cases, Rodney! How many times has, you know, a landlord settled out of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro? [Albert joins them in his wheelchair; an irate Del blows cigar smoke in his face] Come on, then! How many pubs, off-licenses and drinking clubs have you done in your time?!

Albert: Well, quite a few, Del. [Del makes a furious noise] The first cellar I fell down was genuine, honest. But because I'd learned to fall properly, I didn't hurt myself, but I still got compensation and I thought 'This is handy!' So whenever me and your grandad was hard up for a few bob, I'd go and fall down a hole. I was only trying to help, Del.

Rodney: [incredulous] "Only trying to help"?! I was nearly done for contempt for court, [points to Del] his name has been sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions, and Solly and the brief look like they're gonna get defrocked! And you were only trying to help?!

Albert: I said I'm sorry, Rodney. I didn't want to do it; I mean, I'm past all that stuntman lark. But you two have been good to me these past few weeks, and I wanted to get some money to, well, repay you. [voice breaks] And I wanted to get your grandad his headstone. [Del and Rodney turn to him, surprised]

Del: [genuinely moved] You did this for Grandad's headstone?

Albert: He was my older brother Del. When I was a kid, he used to look after me. I never did anything for him – never had the chance to – until now.

It's Only Rock and Roll [4.4]

Mental Mickey: We like looking like this. We're Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

Rodney: Yeah!

Del: Why do you want to be superstars then?

Mental Mickey: Because we want to be rich Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

Del: (after Rodney gets kicked out of the Bunch of Wallies) You didn't honestly believe all that rubbish, did you? That you and them wallies were destined for the Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall! The only hall you were destined for was Sod All.

Del: I remember what Mum said on her death bed. She said to me: "Del," she said, "please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can. Never, Del, never hold him back."

Rodney: She didn't half say a lot on her death bed, didn't she?

Del: What?

Rodney: Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed. She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!

Del: You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney!!!

Rodney: No, hang on! Right, you remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed: "Send Rodney for the fish!"

Del: Yeah well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?

Rodney: Oh great man.

Del: Oi Ringo. I hope my huffing and puffing ain't troubling you.

Rodney: No sweat man.

Del: Well it certainly ain't coming from you ya lazy little git.

Sleeping Dogs Lie [4.5]

Marlene: Did you have a nice Christmas?

Del: Oh, terrific, yeah.

Marlene: I had a dog.

Rodney: Yeah? We had a turkey, same as every other year.

Del: Come on, Duke. Come on. Cat! Cat! Meow meow cat!

Rodney: (about Albert) I've said it before, I'll say it again: that man's a right Jonah. I reckon that when he boarded his last ship, the crew shot an albatross for luck.

Del: (about Duke) When he's comatose, you know, sleep is the best thing for him.

Rodney: Hello. Yeah who is it? Boycie He turns round sharply IT'S BOYCIE!

Del: Boycie. Where is he. Has he come back early or something?

Rodney: So where are you phoning from then Boyce? You're still over there.

[Dell sighs with relief]

[Marlene comes out with Duke]

Del: You never told me it was a Great Dane

Watching the Girls Go By [4.6]

Del: Remember a couple of months ago, when I took you on that blind date?

Rodney: Remember it? I'm still having therapy for it?

Del: I don't know what the younger generation is coming to. They can't even swear without effing and blinding.

As One Door Closes [4.7]

Rodney: (upon losing a chunk of hair to one of Del's super-sharp combs) I'm going bald. Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!

Albert: That's supposed to be a sign of something.

Rodney: Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald.

Denzil: You want to hear a sob story? I can tell you a sob story. I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me.

Rodney: No!

Denzil: Yeah. Every morning she says she's going to leave me and, when I come home at night, she's still there.

Albert: I can't swim, Del.

Del: You used to be a sailor.

Albert: Don't mean a thing. Nelson couldn't swim.

Del: Of course he couldn't. He only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?

Christmas Special (1985)

To Hull and Back

[Del, Rodney, and Albert are sailing on a boat to Holland, and end up lost in the middle of the North Sea.]

Rodney: He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here? We could have drifted anywhere by now.

Del: Yes, he's right and all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun.

Del: Can't you just find The Bear?

Albert: Well what does it look like?

Del: Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it!!!

Del: Holland?!

Gas Man: What!

Del: Which way to Holland?!

Gas Man: It's over there!

Del: Thank you John! (to Albert) Albert turn left, Holland is that way. (to Rodney) See Rodney, don't know where to go you just got to ask.

Del: We got lost in the middle of the north sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and followed it.

Abdul: And that's how you got to Hull?

Del: No! That's how we got to Zeebrugge, it was going the wrong bloody way!

Series 5 (1986)

From Prussia With Love [5.1]

[Anna walks in pregnant. Albert is told to say hello]

Albert: Good evening to you all.

[In response to Albert suggesting Anna may either have twins, triplets, or quadroplets.]

Del: He's right and all. She might be sitting in there with a belly full of people!

Del: (seeing Rodney "playing" with Duke) Oi, Rodney! Take your leg out of that dog's mouth, will you?

[Although Del promised Boycie a baby boy, he can only deliver a girl.]

Boycie: It's amazing, innit? Everything you buy off him has got something missing.

[Anna's baby girl turns out to be black, and Marlene wants to keep her.]

Marlene: We could say it's a throwback.

Boycie:for gawd sake Marlene!I might be able to con people into buying my cars, I might be able to convince them that you conceived and gave birth in seven days flat, but how the hell am I going to persuade them my grandad was Louis Armstrong?!?

The Miracle of Peckham [5.2]

Father O'Keith: So to what do I owe this honour?

Del: I have come to confess my sins.

Father O'Keith: Del, please! I've been invited out to dinner this evening.

Father O'Keith: Have you ever been to this church before?

Del: Of course I have... when my mum and dad got married.

The Longest Night [5.3]

[Del, Rodney, and Albert are paying for their grocery shopping]

Checkout Girl: (surly) £29.48.

Del: Sorry?

Checkout Girl: (even surlier, with a look of contempt) £29.48.

Del: Did you sue them?

Checkout Girl: Who?

Del: The Charm School!

Lennox Gilbey: You ever heard of the Scarlett Pimpernel?

Rodney: That weren't you, was it?

Lennox Gilbey: No, but I'm like him. They seek him here, they see him there. Those policemen seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That damn illusive Sha-a-dow.

Del: (to Lennox) An hour ago, you were the man of mystery. Now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size.

[Rodney starts creeping up to the desk, looking like he's going to steal the gun from Lennox.]

Del: Rodney, what do you think you're playing at?

Albert: Come back and sit down, son!

Mr. Peterson (store manager): What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!

[Rodney goes to the desk and picks up the cigarettes instead of the gun and looks very pleased with himself.]

Del: You plonker!

Del: (to Mr. Peterson) So is it Young Lennox, or Old Bill?

Tea for Three [5.4]

[After Del lies to Lisa that he used to be a Royal Marine Commando, and had a bad landing from a faulty parachute.]

Lisa: I always thought Marines were, you know, taller.

Rodney: He used to be much taller, but like he said, he had a bad landing.

[Del proves to know little about hang-gliding.]

Andy: We've got some great thermals today.

Del: Thermals? Oh, what a shame! I'm just wearing my ordinary y-fronts.

[Del returns from hospital in a wheelchair after his hang-gliding trip.]

Del: This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.

Trigger: Still, it could have been worse.

Mike: How?

Trigger: My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.

[After Del accidentally reveals that he was pretending to be paralyzed to make Rodney feel guilty.]

Del: Rodney, I was up there for three hours, Three bloody hours! I did a loop-the-loop over Dymchurch. Little kids were pointing, "There goes a spaceman, a spaceman!" Finally, when I had just given up hope, I cluttered into an aerial thing, and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God, that I landed on something soft!

Rodney: Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.

Del: No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unfortunate and very unsuspecting courting couple!

Rodney: You're kidding!

Del: I wish I was! Due to your vicious mind and general "wally-ness", they've had to put their wedding back by six months! And I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra! And that's regardless of what Radio Rentals are gonna do me for the aerial!

Video Nasty [5.5]

[Rodney has been asked to make a film, and Del is pitching a less-than-brilliant plot idea.]

Del: Right, okay, now this is a Jaws-type story.

Rodney: Jaws? Jaws has been done though.

Del: I know it's been done! But this is different. It's called... "There's a Rhino Loose in the City"!

[Rodney begins to laugh, then realises Del is deadly serious, and stares at him incredulously.]

Rodney:: There's a Rhi... Loose in... As in rhinoceros??

Del: That's right. "There's a Rhino Loose in the City"!

Albert: What's it about, Del?

Del: Well, it's about this rhinoceros, right, escapes from a zoo and it heads straight for London. And after two or three days, they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it. So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer to try and solve the crime. Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman, so before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's your romantic interest!

Rodney (still slightly stunned) A rhinoceros?

Del: Yeah! But they don't know it's missing.

Rodney: But... how can you not know? If you've got a rhinoceros, right and one day it ain't there - you tend to know it's missing.

Del: Don't be a plonker all your life, Rodney! She ain't got just the one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses.

Albert: And how's it escape?

Rodney: Oh, squeezes through the bars, most probably.

Del: Now don't you start getting saucy with me, Rodney. I'm only trying to help you.

Rodney: I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it?

Del: Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!

Rodney: And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in caffs, the people sitting on the tops of buses? It's a rhino, Del!

Del: He only comes out at night!

Albert: What is it, a vampire rhino?

Del: No, it is not a vampire rhino. That is stupid that is, innit, eh?

Albert: And where does he live during the day?

Del: Er... in a lock-up garage in a back street!

Rodney: What, he's leasing it, is he?

Del: No, he is not leasing it. It's a disused garage in a back street where no one ever goes! But... the detective does find it, only it's at night!

Albert: And the rhino's gone out?

Del: That's right, see, so you see the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery. You see what it is Rodney, it is not only a love story! It's a whodunnit!

Rodney: An whodunnit? What do you mean an whodunnit?! We know who done it! The rhino done it!

Del: Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they don't know - the actors, do they?

Rodney: Oh, this is something else! A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo, there are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints, there's a lock-up garage two and a half foot deep in rhinoceros crap, and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!

Del: ...Well, I do admit there are one or two teething snags. But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it. I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings and a bit of humpty dumpty! I mean, look, this is a disaster movie!

Rodney: Disaster? It's a calamity Del!

Albert: Why is he killing people?

Del: Well, what do you want him to be, a social worker!? Well, he's a man-eater, ain't he?

Rodney: No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous. They're vegetarians!

Del: Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him hide in the back of an health food shop!

Rodney: And he won't head for the city neither.

Albert: But he's gotta head for the city so that he can kill lots of people!

Del: Yeah that's right!

Rodney: No, his natural habitat would be the open country.

Del: Alright, so what are you suggesting? We call the film "There's A Rhino Loose Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives!"??

Rodney: It got nothing to do with me, Del! It's was a Micky Pearce production!

Del: Micky Pearce! You wait till I get a hold of him, I'm gonna stuff that camera half a mile up his nostril!

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire [5.6]

Jumbo Mills: You think I'm bald? Well I'm not!

Albert: Well that's one hell of a parting you've got there son!

Jumbo Mills: A typical Brit! The only thing that works is his mouth.

Del: Australia is an awfully long way off, isn't it?

Jumbo Mills: They'll love you over there. They've got no class!

Del: Australia! Where the men are men.

Albert: So are the women...

Del: What's that supposed to mean?

Albert Last time I was over there, the only way you could tell the sexes, was the men spit further.

[Rodney can't go to Australia because of his drug conviction, yet Del is still keen to go without him, much to Rodney's chagrin.]

Del: Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?!

Rodney: Sacrifices? For me?

Del: Yes you, when dear Mum, God rest her soul, when she died...

Rodney: Don't start again.

Del: When she died, who stood by you?

Rodney: Yes, I remember that well. I was a little 5-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying "I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?" But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! "I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif. I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners. And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!"

Del: And I did, didn't I?

Christmas Specials (1986-1988)

A Royal Flush

Man at the market: ...They can't be top quality, they're too cheap!

Del: "Too cheap", how can they be "too cheap" you wally?

Man at the market: Here, I'm not a wally!

Del: No? What are you doing then, an impression?

[Shortly after, originating from the background as the scene focuses on Rodney and Victoria]

Annoying man at the market: ...yeah but do you get a guarantee?

Del: You do, yeah you do get a guarantee, I'll guarantee you get a smack in the mooey if you keep on pal, just go away and annoy someone else...

Lady Victoria: (to Rodney) "So what's your name?

Rodney: It's Rodney.

Trigger: (shouts from a distance) Alright Dave?

Rodney: No, it's Rodney. He's just a bit thick.

Rodney: People round here don't pay £85 for a painting... People round here don't pay £85 for a car.

Del: [about to take part in the clay pigeon shoot] When you're ready, John!

Clay Pigeon Man: Do you mean 'pull'?

Del: Oh, sorry, Paul! In your own time, my son.

[Del has entered a clay pigeon shoot with a sawn off shotgun at Lady Victoria's house.]

Rodney: Oi! Where'd you get that gun?

Del: Iggy Higgins.

Rodney: Iggy Higgins robs banks.

Del: Yeah I know but it's Saturday, innit.

Lord Henry: (after Del tells him that he is related to the Surrey Trotters) I don't care if you are related to the Surrey Trotters, the Berkshire Trotters, or the Harlem bloody Globetrotters!

The Frog's Legacy

Trigger is not enjoying his drink

Trigger: Here, Mike, I ordered beer.

Mike: Don't try to be funny with me, Trigger! I'll tell you this much: I've had certificates for my beer.

Trigger: Yeah, I've had a few days off work with it an' all.

Del: Come on Mr Jahan, let's discuss this over a drink, shall we?

Mr. Jahan: OK, something non alcoholic.

Del: Mike, a pint of your best Bitter please.

[Rodney, talking with Albert about the rumours that Freddie the Frog had an illegitimate child with a local woman, allegedly Rodney's mother]

Rodney: Albert, did...

Albert: They're rumours, Rodney. That's all, rumours.

Trigger: Hold up, hats off.

Boycie: Hello, your mini cab's arrived, Albert.

Del: Boycie!

Trigger: Is that Dave?

Del: Yeah.

[It is indeed Rodney leading the funeral prosession in full Chief Mourner's gear he looks up and sees Del.]

Rodney: You git. You rotten git! You never told me my new job was a chief mourner!!!

Del: Rodney, please show some respect.

Rodney: Look, that big traffic jam was not my fault! Alright, name one person who blamed me!

Del: Mr Jahan did.

Uncle Albert: Grieving relatives did.

Del: The Flying Eye did.

Rodney: How can you be sure it ain't been found!? Over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country must have been looking for that gold!

Del: (talking about the gold that was stolen by Freddie the Frog) And what would they have done with it, eh? They either put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down themselves. And if they do that, well that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time!

Albert: What if the police found it?

Del: I'm talking about the police! The chaps never found it either; I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers!

Rodney: (incredulous) You went and saw the Driscoll Brothers!?

Albert: Why, what are they like?

Rodney: Oh, they're smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the Two Ronnies; Biggs and Kray! And they never sussed out why you were asking questions!?

Del: No! I mean, you know what they're like! A couple of years ago, some guru reckoned the world would end within a month, and Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would! And he's the brains of the outfit!

Albert: If you knew he was buried at sea, why'd you ask me to bring this shovel?

Del: So I can whack you on the bloody head with it!

[When the Trotters now find it impossible to retrieve Freddie the Frog's treasure.]

Rodney: Do I look like him?

Albert: It was just a rumour, son.

Rodney: Do I look like him?

Albert: A bit.

Del: There's gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There's a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can't just say 'bonjour' to it.

Rodney: Freddie the Frog. Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator... What a plonker.

Dates

[Mike and Boycie talk about Albert's terrible singing.]

Mike: Why does he keep doing it, eh?

Boycie: God knows. I suppose at some time in his life, someone told him he could play the piano.

Mike: Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!

Series 6 (1989)

Yuppy Love [6.1]

Del: You've always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That's why you're no good at snooker.

Del: All the things we've ever got from life has come from my intelligence, and my foresight.

Rodney: Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up!

Rodney: This flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it? I mean, fifteen minutes from the West End, it's fifteen minutes from the motorway...

Uncle Albert: And fifteen minutes from the ground.

Del: (to Trigger at the bar in a yuppy club) I think we're on a winner here Trig, play it nice and cool son, nice and cool. You know what I mean? (falls through bar) Drink up Trig, we're leaving.

Del: Well it was one Sunday many years ago!

Rodney: Where was I?

Del: You was down the Mountbatten estate selling them gas conversion kits.

Rodney: You bastard!!! You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chicken pox just so you and Annie bleedin' Oakley could have the flat to yourselves.

Del:It weren't like that Rodders! I was trying to present you with a challenge.

Rodney: What, selling gas conversion kits on an all electric estate? That is a challenge and a half.

Mickey Pearce: Jevon! Jevon!

Jevon: What?

Mickey Pearce: See the blonde bird? I've had her! And her mate. See that black sort at the back there? She's crazy about me! Phones me all the time.

Jevon: You're one hell of a man, Mickey.

Rodney: Mickey, are you doing this for charity?

Mickey Pearce: What d'you mean?

Rodney: Well, I just wondered whether it was sponsored bullshit.

Mickey Pearce: I'm telling you the truth, Rodney!

Danger UXD [6.2]

Del: It's a videotape recorder, isn't it? It's got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programmes for you.

Uncle Albert: Amazing!

Del: Yeah, nothing but the best.

Uncle Albert: How does it know when you're on holiday?

Del: You send it a postcard, don't you?

Uncle Albert: I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?

Del: Yes, yes, yes, that's right yes! Rodney! Come along, it's gone six o'clock!

Rodney: Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will you?

Del: Cor blimey, look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.

[Del has just taken delivery of several boxes of blow up dolls, thinking they were children's dolls.]

Rodney: Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.

Del: You can't have dolls with names like that.

Rodney: You can if you go to the right shops!

[The Trotters discover the blow up dolls.]

Del: Bloody hell! What have we got ourselves into here?

Rodney: Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!

Del: That's because I've got a high profile!

Rodney: Yeah! High profile and low forehead!

[Albert doesn't quite understand the concept of the blow up dolls.]

Uncle Albert: They're big for little dolls, ain't they?

Rodney: Unc, they ain't... ordinary dolls. You see them advertised in... magazines.

Uncle Albert: (starts to hunt around the living room) Where's that Radio Times?

Rodney: Albert, have a day off, will you?! I mean... seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.

Uncle Albert: You're pulling my leg!

Rodney: Oh, am I? You have a look at this, then! (produces an adult magazine from his jacket)

Del: No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War III! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!

Rodney: Have you actually read the instructions to your video recorder?

Del: No, I haven't actually read them. Why?

Rodney: Well why don't you do that small thing, Derek? I think you'll find it really interesting, because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English. And that's why your machine don't work. It was made strictly for sale in Europe.

Del: But we are in Europe. We're in the common market, aren't we?

Rodney: Yes, I know that, but we have a different electrical system to the rest of Europe. And that's why your machine's on the blink. Its components are burning out. It is what's technically known as "knackered."

Mike: What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat. At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh!

Boycie: It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.

Trigger: How is he?

Boycie: A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.

Mike: 70 nicker each? What, they fall off the back of a lorry?

Boycie: If they did, they were going around the bend in Düsseldorf!

Mike: How'd you mean?

Boycie: I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genius I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral!

Rodney: Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?

Albert: It's cause I can't get any food in that freezer! It's filled up with tomatoes he bought last week.

Chain Gang [6.3]

Del: Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you. Rodney has told me all about you. Don't worry, I'll try not to shout it all about.

Cassandra: That's very nice of you, Derek. Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him... until now.

Arnie: Doctors gave me six months to live.

Trigger: Well, you don't want to take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie. They'll say anything to get rid of you.

Rodney: (upon seeing the chains) What'd you do, rob Mr. T?

Del: (to Boycie when Arnie has his "heart attack" in the restaurant) It's Arnie, he's having a Connery!

[When Arnie collapses from his "heart attack".]

Boycie: Don't panic. I am a doctor. Stand aside, stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit. (checks Arnie's pulse) Oh yes, very nasty he needs an operation. (searches Arnie's pockets for the key to his handcuff)

Old Woman: He's not a doctor. He's mugging the poor man.

[A large Greek man steps forward and grabs Boycie by the lapels.]

Boycie: Oi!

Greek Man: You... (punches Boycie on the nose)

Old Woman: Call the police.

Restaurant Manager: Yes madam, I call the police.

Del: It's all right they'll be no need. I am an officer of the law.

Woman: (looking at Del's height) Policemen are taller than that.

Del: I'm a small town policeman. All right sunshine you are knicked. (grabs Boycie and takes him out of the restaurant) Come on, out you go! Rest assured madam when we get him down the police station, we'll give him a bloody good hiding. Come on you!

Denzil: (to Arnie's sons, Gary and Stephen) Wotcha fellas!

Stephen: What's happening?

Denzil: Get in! (before climbing into back of the ambulance behind Gary and Stephen and locking the doors).

Del: (threatening to hurt Arnie with a set of vicious-looking bolt cutters) Calm down, Arnie, calm down! You'll give yourself a heart attack!

The Unlucky Winner Is... [6.4]

[Albert is forced to help Del out with carrying boxes of hooky gear since Rodney is at the Nag's Head with Cassandra.]

Albert: Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me. (sets the box down, goes to the front door)

Del: (under his breath, mocking Albert, while taking his coat off) They've got no respect these days.

Albert: They've got no respect these days. (hangs up his hat)

Del: (under his breath, mocking Albert) You fought in the war, didn't you? (puts his coat on the back of a chair in front of the TV)

Albert: (hangs up his coat) I fought in the war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. (bends over to pick up a letter, straightens up) And what do they do with their freedom?

Del: (under his breath, mocking Albert; Del walks away from the bar, with a tin of beer in his hand) Anything they bloody like!

Albert: (comes back to the living room) Anything they bloody like! (closes the door behind him)

(Del drinks some beer.)

Del: Oh, I unpacked that box and put some of the shirts in the suitcase with it. (notices the letter Albert has) Oh, is that for me?

Albert: (approaches Del) No, it's addressed to Rodney.

Del: Oh, well. (puts his beer down) Same thing. (laughs briefly as he takes the letter from Albert)

[Del, Rodney, and Cassandra have arrived in Spain.]

Del: Hang on a minute, just before you go and check in - this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.

Cassandra: Well he did win, didn't he?

[Rodney is staring, distracted, at all the other winners]

Del: Oh yes, yes, he won and all that, and it's all pukka and above board, and we're here...

Cassandra: So what's the problem?

Rodney: That's strange, you know.

Cassandra: What?

Rodney: Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads - they've all got their kids with them.

Cassandra: What's strange about that?

Rodney: Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.

Del: No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney... It's the kids.

Cassandra: What do you mean?

Del: Well Rodney's painting won first prize... in an under 15 year old category.

Rodney: (stunned) Say again?

Cassandra: So they think Rodney's 15?!

Rodney: Is that right?

Del: No. They think you're 14.

Rodney: 14? (to Cassandra) They think I'm 14!!!

[Cassandra dissolves into giggles.]

Rodney: Why didn't you tell me this back in England?

Del: Well I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I didn't know there were lots of categories, but you're the one who wrote on it, "Rodney Trotter, aged 14 1/2", so the organisers must have put you in the kids category. So it's your fault, that you wrote on it.

Rodney: But how was I to know that in 12 years' time, you were going to enter it into a cornflake competition?

Del: Well how was I supposed to know that you'd win? Come on Rodney, it doesn't matter, you're going to waltz through it!

Rodney: Waltz through it?! How the hell am I gonna pass for 14?!

[Cassandra is beside herself with laughter.]

Rodney: (icily) Will you stop doing that, Cassandra?

Cassandra: (calming down) Sorry.

Rodney: Act your age.

[This sets Cassandra off into an even bigger fit of laughter.]

Rodney: (to Del) This is your fault. I am going to break your bloody neck!

Del: Go on then, Rodney, off you go.

Rodney: Eh?

Del: Go on, you're going with the Groovy Gang!

Rodney: I ain't going with the sodding Groovy Gang!

Rodney: Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.

Cassandra: What bad language?

Rodney: (through the door to Del) GET IN HERE NOW, YOU DIPSTICK! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

Rodney: Del Boy, thanks to you, I am now a 26-year-old man who has come second in a skateboarding competition!

Del: Second? You was in the lead when I saw you!

Rodney: ...I fell off.

Sickness and Wealth [6.5]

Del: There is nothing wrong with me, I just have normal pains.

Uncle Albert: When you cam in tonight you just flopped straight down in that chair in agony.

Del: "You don't understand Unc, that is PMA!

Rodney: I thought it was only women who got that?

Del: No! Rodney that is PMP! PMA is positive mental attitude, It's the new buzz word, it's what all us yuppies get.

Elsie Patridge: The spirits are with us. A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat. He wished to speak to someone called Audrey... No, no Aubrey.

Del: Aubrey?

Boycie: I am here.

Rodney: Aubrey?

Boycie: It's my middle name.

Trigger: You never said your name was Aubrey.

Boycie: Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.

Boycie: This piece of paper. It's not a log book for a Cortina is it?

Elsie Patridge: (to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.

Boycie: Is he having a pop at me or something?

Uncle Albert: Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.

Del: Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.

Rodney: Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.

Mike: The hospital have just about given up with him.

Trigger: He's low on something.

Boycie: (completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.

Del: All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.

Boycie: You can pack that in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink [He rises] It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. [He considers] Excuse me.

Dr. Robbie Meadows: You've got to make a decision, Mr Trotter: we can either save you or the baby.

Del: Robbie Meadows, you old git.

Dr. Robbie Meadows: Del please.

Del: Sorry. Doctor Meadows, you old git. What you doing here?

Dr. Robbie Meadows: I've got good news and bad news Del. The good news is they put me in charge of your case.

Del: What's the bad news?

Dr. Robbie Meadows: I specialise in amputation.

Del: Good one. So how come you're in charge?

Dr. Robbie Meadows: Accident really. I was chatting to some collegues when the name Derek Trotter came up, so I asked to see your GP's notes and look at your tests. I was amazed, I found myself reading about this non smoking, tee-total, celibate, vegetarian health freak. I thought to myself can this be the same Derek Trotter I know and begrudginly admire? That wheeling dealing Pina Colada lout, the Castella king, the curry coniseur, the same man who's lived his life on fast food, fried bread and doubtful women?

Del: Was it?

Dr. Robbie Meadows: Yeah it was.

[Elsie goes into a trance, leaning back, groaning and shutting her eyes.]

Del: What's she doing?

Trigger: She's going like this... (shuts his eyes, leans back and groans)

Del: You know who that is don't ya?

Trigger: Sounds like Jimmy Savile

[Rodney glares at Trigger]

Del: Jimmy Savile? That is our mother

Trigger: Sorry Del Boy. Dave.

Rodney: [scornfully] Jimmy Savile.

Del: That's right bruv. Cheek.

Little Problems [6.6]

[Del and Alan are discussing Rodney and Cassandra's upcoming wedding.]

Alan: You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean, champagne, caviar, country clubs...

Del: Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect.

[Mike arrives with a small scotch for Alan and a very elaborate, exotic looking cocktail for Del (it's more like a floral tribute).]

Mike: Listen, I’ve er heard of the Driscoll brothers Del but I’ve never seen them. What do they look like?

Boycie: Well one of them looks like he was evicted from The Planet of the Apes

Del: Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richards

Mike: What, he looks er younger than his years?

Del: No, he’s got one of those faces that you wanna slap

Del Boy: [to Mickey and Jevon, after learning the Driscoll brothers are after him thanks to them] If I end up propping up a flyover on the M26, I guarantee you two will be at the next junction!

[The Driscoll Brothers arrive at the Nag's Head.]

Danny: Boycie, how nice!

Boycie: Hello Danny. Your brother not with you?

Danny: Yeah. (Tony pops out from behind him)

Boycie: Oh watcha Tony. Drink?

Tony: Nah! That right, Marlene's up the spout?

Boycie: Yeah.

Danny: Dear dear dear. You let us know the minute you find out who done it and we'll sort him out.

Danny: Del Boy around?

Mike: No, I ain't seen him this evening.

Danny: Well that's funny his van's in the car park and what's this? A castella and a Malibu Reef? You sure he ain't around. Think hard, Guv'nor.

Mike: Well he may have been in earlier and then he left.

Danny: I see, you just had this place decorated?

Mike: (proudly) Yeah.

Danny: Shame. I want to buy everyone in the pub a drink, whatever they want. Now there's a pound, and I want change.

Boycie: Large cognac, please, Michael.

Tony: You owe us £2000. You got the money?

Del: Course I ain't. I ain't sold the phones yet have?

Danny: Don't give me all that Derek. Them two munchkins Ebony and Ivory took the phones off us three months ago.

Del: Three months? I didn't know that Danny.

Danny: Do you think we're stupid? (Del doesn't answer) Do you think I'm stupid? If you don't cough up that two grand I'm gonna take his collar and lead off and let him loose on you! (Tony grins at Del menacingly)

Danny: When Tony and me were kids, we was very very poor. Our old man used to work in on of them old mansion houses. He worked from 6 in the morning til 8 at night and what for? A pittance.

Tony: A shilling a day and an horseshit sandwich.

Danny: One day, there was a robbery at the mansion, and the Bill arrested our old man and there wasn't any evidence was there?

Tony: Just finger prints.

Danny: Just finger prints.

Tony : And eye witnesses.

Danny: A Couple of eye witnesses. They found the jewels on him.

Tony: It was a plant.

Marlene: I didn't know Rodney's middle name was Charlton.

Del: Oh yeah, it was me mum. She was a fan.

Marlene: Oh what, Charlton Heston?

Del: No, Charlton Athletic.

Christmas Specials (1989-1990)

The Jolly Boys' Outing

Rodney: You don't like baseball, you always called it "silly boys rounders".

Del: Yeah, that's before i knew that it was in, now-a-days it's the kinda game that guys like me and Steven enjoy

Steven: What do you mean "Guys like me and Steven"?

Del: Well, yuppies.

Steven: Yupp... Derek, I am not a yuppie!

Del: You are Steven.

Steven: No, no I'm...

Del: No take it from me son, you are!

Del: Brandy please, Pamela.

Pamela: Armagnac?

Del: Yeah, that'll do fine if you're out of Brandy.

Stephen: And Africa is where it's at. Recently Joanne and I spent little time down in Afrique sur-mer.

Del: Fabrique belgique.

[Del, Rodney, Uncle Albert, Cassandra, her parents and her boss, Stephen, are playing Trivial Pursuit.]

Stephen: What is a female swan called?

[Albert hints that it's a three-letter word; Rodney rattles a Biro in his mouth.]

Del: Got it. It's a bic.

Jevon: (while Del is handing out sandwiches on the coach) You've got to give Del his dues, ain't ya? He did all the catering by himself.

Mickey Pearce: Oh, leave off Jevon, can you imagine Del Boy standing in the kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him.

Trigger: No, I made them for him. (Mickey nods at Jevon, to prove his point.)

Sid: (annoyed that he wasn't asked by Del to make the sandwiches) Oi.

Del: (who is halfway down the coach aisle, taking the sandwich crate to Mike, as Denzil, the previous man responsible for them, has admitted to an ear infection) Yes?

Sid: I want a word with you.

Del: Yeah, what is it, Sid?

Sid: I run a cafe, right?

Del: (looks around) Yeah, right, so what?

Sid: So why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?

Del: Well, the explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.

Sid: (clearly hurt) Oh. All right. (He puffs on his cigarette.)

Del: Alright then. (He leaves.)

Alan: (when Harry, the coach driver, suddenly becomes drunk) It's no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.

Boycie: Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver!

[Mike and Trigger help Harry onto the coach.]

Trigger: What d'you think's wrong with him?

Mike: What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.

Trigger: Yeah? I thought he was pissed.

[The Jolly Boys' coach has blown up due to Del's faulty radio. Rodney is watching the explosion from inside a telephone booth.]

Rodney: Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up!

[The Jolly Boys find out that the last bus has left and the trains are on strike.]

Uncle Albert: I remember once just after the war.

Rodney: Oh don't start, Unc!

Mickey: We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!

Del: Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!

Uncle Albert: I fought for free speech!

Del: (to Albert, venomously) Shut up!

Del: (to Rodney, who just got thrown out by Cassandra for punching her boss on the nose) Alright bruv, sort it all out?

Rodney Come Home

[After a row with Cassandra, Rodney storms back into Del's flat, interrupting a romantic meal Del and Raquel are having.]

Rodney: That's it! Finished! Kaput! That was her last chance!

Raquel: Good evening, Rodney.

Rodney: I have never been so insulted in my life!

Del: Well sit down bruv, let me have a go!

[When Rodney storms back to Nelson Mandela House after having an argument with Cassandra.]

Raquel: Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There'll be things to be discussed.

Del: Yeah, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.

Del: (in the kitchen, talking to Rodney about why Raquel is sleeping in Rodney's bedroom) You don't get it, do you? You see Raquel, Raquel is a lady, and when a lady's ready to to... well when she's ready to, she will let me know.

Rodney: How?

Del: She'll give me a sign.

Rodney: Like what?

Del: I don't know?

Rodney: Maybe she'll put an advertisment in the Sunday Sport, eh?

Rodney: Me wife doesn't love me, me mum's left me, and some bastard's nicked me bike.

[Rodney and Del's arguing in the hallway has woken up a neighbour, who politely reminds them of the time.]

Neighbour: Erm, it's gone midnight!

Del: (waving his fist in a threatening manner) Well go back to bed then.

[A frustrated Rodney is furious with Del for telling Cassandra about his originally planned movie date as the two stand outside in the street in the dark.]

Del: Look, is there anything I can do to help?

Rodney: Yes, piss off!

[Rodney and Del are rowing outside Rodney's flat]

Rodney: Well thanks to you, my wife now thinks I'm having a passionate affair with the siren of the exhaust centre, and you've offended my neighbours!

Woman: People are trying to sleep!

Rodney: Shut up!

Series 7 (1990-1991)

The Sky's the Limit [7.1]

Raquel: Hello Boycie. I suppose I've got to ask you in?

Boycie: Yes. I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low.

Rodney: I feel like I've taken a mountain to Muhammad to find out he's already bloody got one.

Bronco: I am not a cowboy!

Boyce: Not a cowboy? I've got spur marks on my grandfather clock

Bronco: Nobody's ever called me that before, I am not a cowboy!

Del: Bronco!

Raquel: The doctor told you to stay off fried food.

Del: Yes, I know, and the Doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit. But we all know what happened to that poor old cow.

Rodney: (after a failed attempt to call Cassandra's dad, Alan) He's not in. He's probably gone to Manchester to pick up Cassandra, and she will tell him I've booked into a hotel with another woman. He will fire me, she will divorce me, (to Uncle Albert) And it's all your fault! (To Del) And yours!

The Chance of a Lunchtime [7.2]

Raquel: The tour doesn't start for another three months.

Del: Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people don't it?

Raquel: Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!

[Del standing by Rodney and Albert pointing to Raquel]

Del: How many people can you see standing there?

[Albert and Rodney look at each other]

Uncle Albert: Well... one.

Del: I can see - two.

[Del and Raquel smile lovingly at each other and embrace]

Rodney: You know what that means, Albert?

Uncle Albert: No.

Rodney: Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.

Stage Fright [7.3]

[Back at the flat after the performance]

Raquel: You bastard! You just walked out and left us!

Del: What else could I do? I could hardly go up to Eugene's table and go "Ha, ha! That was alright. Different, weren't it?" Did you finish the performance?

Raquel: Oh yes, Derek. We saw it through to the death. "Please Welease Me", "Congwatulations", and "The Gween Gween Gwass of Home"!

Rodney: And that was followed by a medley of wock and woll! [bursts out laughing]

Del: [coldly] That is not funny, Wodney- Rodney!

Albert: Who's there?

Tony Angelino: Can I speak to Mr. Twotter?

Raquel: It's Tony, let him in.

Tony Angelino: I've come for me money.

Del: All right, not now son. I'm up to my eyes in it. Come back tomorrow.

Tony Angelino: No. Not tomowwow. I want me money now. I did the performance, didn't I? I did the wepotoire that you - YOU -insisted on.

Del: I didn't know you couldn't pronouce your R's!

Tony Angelino: What does that matter?

Albert: Quite a lot when you sing songs with R's in.

Tony Angelino: I don't sing songs with R's in. And if the song has got an R in it, I change the lywics.

Del: Then why didn't you change the lywics tonight?

Tony Angelino: How can I change the lywics to "Cwying"?! The bloody song's called "Cwying"!

Tony Angelino: We signed a contwact.

Del: Ah yes, but my brother drew up that contract, and he put in a get out clause, didn't you, Rodney?

Rodney: No.

Del: Then why didn't you?

Rodney: You didn't tell me to. I ain't a lawyer, I sweep up and make the tea.

Tony Angelino: No-one who pwonounces R's like me has ever become successful.

Albert: There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.

Tony Angelino: Exactly!

The Class of '62 [7.4]

Trigger: Give me a lift home will you Boyce?

Denzil: Yeah me too Boycie.

Boycie: Oh yes of course I'm running a bleedin' minicab service these days, ain't I?

[Del, Rodney, Boycie and Denzil have been waiting in the function room for a long time, trying to work out who has organised the party.]

Boycie: [exasperated] Well, this is bloody ridiculous! The reunion's supposed to start at half past seven, and look [stands up and looks at his watch] at it, it's almost ten past eight!

Denzil: Who organised this reunion, anyway?

[Mike comes in with a tray of food.]

Mike: [looks around the room, closing the door] What, ain't he here, yet?

Denzil: Who?

Mike: Your host! The bloke who's paying for all this. [crosses the room with his tray, swinging it out of Del's way as he tries to grab something] He said he was gonna arrive late. :[puts the tray down on the table] Think he wants to make an entrance, surprise you all.

Del: [with mock aggression] Who is it, Mike? Come on! Who is it? Who is it?

Mike: Ahh, I don't know, Del. He just came in yesterday, said he wanted a room for a school reunion. Oh, [points at Del] I wanna have a word with you about that fax machine you sold me.

Del: Yes, yes, yes. All right, Michael. You know, I'm busy at the moment. I'll fax you about it during the week.

Boycie: [exasperated] So, what was this bloke's name?

Mike: [shakes his head; to Boycie] Don't know, I didn't catch it.

Denzil: Well, didn't you get his name on your receipt and in your accounts?

[Del hums in agreement, and looks at Mike.]

Mike: Er, no. No, I forgot.

Boycie: In other words, he paid cash.

Mike: [to Boycie] Yeah, yeah, that's right. [He and Del nod at each other.]

Denzil: Well, what was he like? Was he tall?

Mike: Yeah, tall-ish.

Del: [thinking he's on to something; dramatically] Here, he didn't have a scar, did he, [marks his face with his finger as he describes] running from the bridge of his nose right down to the corner of his mouth?

Boycie: [knowing who Del is talking about; dramatically] And his right ear was missing?

Mike: No, er, not that I noticed, no.

Del: It ain't our old headmaster, then.

Denzil: [playing with a beermat] How could it be our old headmaster? Doctors said he'd never be allowed back into society.

[Somebody knocks at the door three times, then opens it. It's Trigger.]

Del, Rodney, Boycie, & Denzil: Trigger!

Trigger: Alright.

Del: Yeah. [Walks over to Trigger] Was it you? [Points at Trigger] Was it you, Trig? Was it you that organised all this? [Draws a circle with his hand]

Boycie: Oh, turn it up, Del Boy. Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque.

Trigger: [Walking to Denzil] I got lost on me way here.

Denzil: How could you get lost? You've been coming to this pub since you were sixteen!

Trigger: [to Denzil] Oh no, I found the pub alright. I mean I couldn't find this room. (to Mike) I've been standing in your dance hall for the last hour.

Mike: But all the lights are out, Trig!

Trigger: I know.

Boycie: You've been standing in the dark for an hour?

Trigger: Yeah. I thought we were all gonna jump out and surprise someone.

Mike: [annoyed] But there's no-one else in there!

Trigger: But I didn't know that, did I? The lights were out. (to Rodney) How you going, Dave?

Rodney: [defeatedly] Alright, Trig?

Mike: Well, I'll send your man up as soon as he arrives. [Walks over to the door] In the meantime, [to the clientele] all enjoy yourselves, lads. [Leaves, closing the door behind him, as Trigger goes over to the chair by the door, picks it up and carries it over to the table with Rodney and Denzil]

Rodney: [smiling] It's a bit of a mystery, all this, innit? [as Trigger drapes his coat over the back of his chair and sit down] It's like something out of one of them Agatha Christie films.

Trigger: Yeah. [nudges Rodney] I used to fancy her. [sits down]

Rodney: [ignoring Trigger] I mean, think about it, right? Just think. Somebody has arranged for you four to be here in this room at the same time... [thinks about what Trigger has said] You used to fancy Agatha Christie?!

Trigger: Yeah. I had a picture of her on my bedroom wall.

Denzil: She was an old lady, old English country gardens, and granny hats.

Del: [eating something] Yeah, she looked a bit like Mr. Kipling's bit on the side.

Trigger: Well I fancied her. I saw her in that film Doctor Zhivago.

Boycie: [annoyed] That's Julie Christie, you berk!

Trigger: Yeah, well, whatever. I liked her!

Rodney: As I way saying, on a cold, rainy night in Peckham, [dramatically] somebody has arranged for you four to be in this room at the same time. Nobody knows who. And the most important and frightening aspect of the entire mystery - no-one knows why! Now, think hard. Who would do something like that?

[The other four (besides Trigger) look at each other and think hard.]

Trigger: Jeremy Beadle?

Boycie: [astounded] Jeremy bloody Beadle?!?

Rodney: Don't be stupid!

Del: [annoyed that the host hasn't shown up] 'ere, Rodney. Now, you're trying to frighten us. Now pack it in, 'cause it won't work!

Denzil: [throwing beermat down and standing up] Oh, that's it. I'm off.

Del: [as he and Boycie put their hands on Denzil's shoulders and press him back down into his seat] Sit down, Denzil! [Quickly, once Denzil has sat back down] You're not going anywhere.

Denzil: [pleading] Look, listen. I wasn't even at your school for long. My mum and dad didn't even come down to London until I was thirteen. I don't really feel I qualify as one of the old boys.

Boycie: Did you get an invitation?

Denzil: Yeah.

Boycie: Then you're stayin'.

Denzil: Well, it's just that I've got this thought going round my head.

Boycie: Well, lend it to Trigger.

Denzil: Say, just say, our old headmaster escaped.

[The thought slowly sinks in for everybody.]

Roy Slater: I turned to crime. [Del and friends look at each other] I got involved in that diamond-smuggling caper. [Del and friends slowly start walking to the door whilst Slater speaks] And as I, of all people, should know, I got collared. [He stands up and approaches Del and friends, who return to the wall they were at earlier; loudly] I spent three and a half years in a ten foot by six foot prison cell, trying to work out where I'd gone wrong in life. [sits down; melodramatically] Whilst in prison, I found Jesus!

Del: [not impressed] What had they fitted him up with?

Slater: To be more precise, Jesus found me...[sadly]was around about the time I got a message...to say...my old man had...passed away.

Del: [softly] I know, Roy. I went to his funeral.

Slater: Thanks, Del. I wish I could have gone.

Trigger: Why didn't you?

Denzil: Probably because he didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig!

Trigger: Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings.

Slater: I applied for temporary compassionate release. My mum wrote to the prison governor...

Denzil: And he wouldn't let you go?

Slater: Not after what that old cow put in her letter!

Albert: Who's Rachel?

Roy Slater: Would you do me one favour. When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you call him after me?

Rodney: I wouldn't have thought so. It's not fair to christen a kid "Dick", is it?

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Uncle [7.5]

Raquel: (about the women in the over-60's club) You should have more respect Mike. Those women went through the war for us.

Boycie: Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of them.

Raquel: (when Rodney arrives at the Nag's Head after cleaning Del's recently accquired Capri Ghia) Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.

Rodney: Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster?

Del: Oi, what do you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork?

Rodney: There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it.

Boycie: That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle!

Rodney: They were yesterday's newspapers!

Boycie: I remember a few years back when I had that important client coming over from Belgium and I was trying to get tickets to Wimbledon to impress him. You said "Leave it to me Boycie, I gotta contact at Wimbledon."

Del: I got you two tickets!

Boycie: That's right! They drew nil-nil with Ipswich!

Three Men, a Woman and a Baby [7.6]

Del: Ever since you went vegetarian, you've become a right miserable git.

Raquel: There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian Del.

Rodney: That's right! One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.

Del: Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World Of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor'll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you're depressed.

Rodney: I am depressed because of the state of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!

Mike: So?

Trigger: What?

Mike: What name have they decided on?

Trigger: If it's a girl they're calling her "Sigourney" after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him "Rodney" after Dave.

Del: Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.

Trigger: They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.

Mike: So what happened Trig?

Trigger: He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.

Albert: What, he was gonna drive off it?

Trigger: Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.

Del: But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.

Rodney: No! Who held the whip-round?

Del: All the passengers on his bus.

Rodney: No, it's a boy alright. Rosemary's Baby was on the telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks time, we'll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It'll be sitting in it's cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gung up the wall. They're bound to call it Damien.

Albert: (as if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him "Rodney".

Rodney: Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.

[Raquel is in labour, in the hospital delivery room. There is a knock at the door]

Del: Who is it, friend or enema? [laughs] Get it? - friend or enema!

Raquel: Shut up, Del.

Del: Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. [opens the door to find Albert]

Albert: The specialists are on their way, Del.

Del: Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.

[A female nurse enters the room, followed by a male nurse]

Del: Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here.

Midwife: I know. That's why I'm here.

Del: What are you, a pervo, or something?!

Nurse: This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.

Del: But he's a bloke!

Midwife: I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.

':'[Del bars the door]

Raquel: [panting] Just let him do his job, Del.

Del: No, he's a bloke!

Raquel: I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!

[After Del has said he can see the baby's head]

Rodney: Is it... normal?

Del: What do you mean, normal?

Rodney: No... numbers or anything?

Del: What do you think this is? A bloody raffle?

Del: It's a baby, Raquel.

Raquel: I've been wondering what that swelling was.

Del: (to his newborn son, Damien) I've mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now. This is what it's all about. I was born for this moment. Yes. Oh we're gonna have such fun, we are, you mark my words. This time next year, we'll be millionaires.

Christmas Specials (1991-2003)

Miami Twice

[On board a boat, Del sees Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees at his mansion.]

Del: (waving to Barry) All right, Bazza!

Barry: Oh God! There's always one.

[Rodney creeps around a seemingly empty house, until he sees Don, who due to his uncanny resemblance, he thinks is Del.]

Rodney: (seeing Don) You git!

[Approaches Don menacingly]

Rodney: You rotten, lying, conniving git!

[The Trotter Brothers and Boycie's family are escaping the Mafia in the Florida Everglades.]

Boycie: Everything was going well, we were having a lovely holiday...

Marlene: (cuts in) Shut up moaning.

Boycie: And then THEY (the Trotter brothers) turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shootin' at us!

Marlene: You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington!

Boycie: Get that bloody boat in for God's sake!

Mother Nature's Son

Albert: You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.

Rodney: Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert?

Albert: When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!

Rodney: You must have made more bloody noise than me then!

[Denzil and Trigger have been conscripted by Del into helping move six thousand gallons of a mysterious substance from Grandad's allotment, as per the council's orders]

Denzil: [exasperated about Del being secretive] How can we be certain that this stuff [indicates the barrels containing the substance] isn't dangerous?!

Del: [equally exasperated about Denzil's supposed insubordination] Because it is not! And that's the truth! [he goes into the shed, closing the door behind him]

Trigger: There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth, now. You get that end... [moves to pick up one of the barrels]

Denzil: What d'ya mean, I've heard it from the horse's mouth?! That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!

Trigger: Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager's got to do with it anyway.

Denzil: [frustrated] But Trig... [thinks on what Trigger has just said] What?!

Trigger: When we was at school, Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.

Denzil: [angry] Yes, I remember! I was doing detention in there at the time!

Trigger: And you say he don't know what he's talking about?

Denzil: [annoyed] Right, that's it, Del! I am not touching them! I'm off!

Del: [still in the shed, therefore unseen] Denzil, now, believe me, it's harmless! And to prove it, I'm gonna help you carry it! Well, I can't play fairer than that, can I?

Trigger: Look, it can't be dangerous, Denzil.

Denzil: How can you be sure?!

Trigger: Cause Del's just offered to help us carry 'em.

[Denzil moves to try strangling Trigger, then relents, knowing how stupid Trigger is.]

Denzil: Yeah, all right, Trig. All right.

[The shed door opens, and Del emerges, dressed in an old-fashioned diving suit, complete with a big helmet. Trigger and Denzil stare at him.]

Del: [enthusiastically] Lovely jubbly!

[Del (still wearing the diving suit, helmet and all), Trigger, and Denzil arrive at the council waste disposal depot in Denzil's van, with the barrels, only to find it closed.]

Denzill: It's closed!

Trigger: (checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.

Del: (turns to face Trigger) What d'you mean, "it's a bit late"? You said it was open twenty-four hours a day!

Trigger: Yeah, but not at night!

[Del glares at Trigger, angry, then relents.]

Del: Bint!

Denzil: [despairingly] So what do we do now? We've got six thousand gallons of...something, in the back of my van!

Trigger: We could take it down the other council depot I used to work at.

Del: Is it open?

Trigger: No.

Denzil: [angry] Well, what's the point of taking it to your depot if that's not open either?!

Trigger: [puts his hand in his pocket] Well, it soon will be open. [takes his hand out of his pocket. A set of keys are hanging from his fingers.] I got a spare set of keys here.

Del: [glaring at Trigger] Bloody hell!

Denzil: [to Del] Are you sure this is all right?

Del: [angrily] WELL, WHO CARES?!

Trigger: [nonchalantly] Yeah, no problems. [leans forward, to look backwards] Come on, back up. You're all right behind, Denzil.

Denzil: I mean, is it legal?!

Del: [angrily] YES! [Denzil jumps back in his seat] JUST... HUSH UP WITH YOU, DENZIL! [faces forward; calmer] Stone me, it's bloody hot in here! I can't see the fascination with this diving lark!

[Denzil reverses his van away from the waste disposal depot gates.]

Denzil: This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel!

Del: No, honest, it's not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the Starship Enterprise!

Rodney: We are not dealing with a normal person; this is Derek Trotter! Don't you understand, he is sucking the land dry! I'm expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute!

Myles: First things first. We have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.

Del: Well, it's this - earthy sort.

Rodney: Well Trigger could be considered an expert.

Mike: Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.

Fatal Extraction

Sid: There we go Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold day.

Denzil: Cheers Sid. (looks at his bowl of porridge) There's a hair in this.

Sid: Give it here.

Denzil: Here's another one.

Sid: Give it here.

Denzil: That's disgusting that is, Sid. If the health authorities saw this, they'd close you down.

Sid: I've been closed down for worse than that Denzil. (to Trigger) I hate these politically correct people.

Trigger: Yeah.

Sid: What'll it be Trig?

Trigger: Er, I'll try some of that porridge Sid.

Rodney: (when Del says that he enjoys hanging with his friends rather than spending time with Raquel and Damien) Just who are your mates, Del? Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it, Trigger is a roadsweeper who gives pet names to his teeth, and then we have Boycie the freemason, a total snob who thinks anyone with a quid less than him is a peasant.

Mike: [approaches the table where Del, Boycie, Trigger and Denzil are sitting, with a tray of drinks] Here we go, gentlemen. [as he starts handing the drinks out while Boycie lights a cigar] That right, Del? Just a lemonade for you? [hands Trigger his drink]

Del: Yeah, that's right, yeah. I'm going down to visit Trig's dentist this afternoon, I don't wanna smell of booze, do I? [drinks]

Mike: [sits down on a stool at the table] So, how are things on the home front? You and Raquel still at "pistols drawn", are ya?

Del: Yes! Still involved in the Cold War. [He inhales deeply as Boycie takes his cigar out of his mouth and takes his glass] I'm gonna live my life the way I wanna live it. Give her time, she'll learn. [winks]

Denzil: [as Del drinks] That's exactly the attitude I took with my Corinne. Even when she left me, I refused to change. Seven years ago, but I haven't changed.

Del: Yeah, but there is a difference though, ain't there, Denzil. [as Boycie puts his cigar back in his mouth] I mean, you know, um...Raquel would never leave me, 'cause it's the :[gestures] real deep love thing.

Mike: Women are a mystery, though, ain't they?

[Boycie chuckles. Denzil nods in agreement.]

Del: What? I'd say. Here's a mystery for ya. [Boycie takes his cigar out of his mouth] Here's a bit. Answer me this. Why is it that women always wanna know what time you got in? Right? They say to ya, "What time did you get in last night?", you say "Ooh, I don't know, about quarter past twelve." And they go "No you didn't, it was twenty to two." [Boycie smiles and nods in agreement] And I think to myself, "Well, why bloody ask?"

Mike: [Pointing at Del] Oh he's right, he's right. Why ask? I mean, it's like saying to you, er, [gesturing at Del] "What's that on the telly? Coronation Street or EastEnders?" And you say, "It's EastEnders." And they say, "No it ain't, it's Coronation Street!" [Denzil nods in agreement] I mean, why ask?

Del: 'Ere, why ask?

Boycie: Beats me. [Puts his cigar back in his mouth again]

Mike: You know, I came home one night, and my missus said "'Ere, where you living now?" I said "Here." She said "No you ain't!" and threw me suitcase at me.

[A beat.]

Mike, Boycie, Del, & Denzil: Why ask?

Trigger: [about a second after the others have asked] Why ask?

Boycie: [with his cigar out of his mouth] Oh, I mean, that's women for ya, aren't they? I mean, they're a different breed. I mean, take my Marlene. She's always moaning on and on about how I don't respect her. I mean, me, don't respect me own wife? [laughs] Daft old mare. [Puts his cigar back in his mouth, has a quick drag, takes it out] I mean, I love her, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, I think getting married was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. [He and Del laugh to themselves] I sometimes think back to when we first met in Lewisham Grove. I wish I'd never ever walked into that betting shop now. [He puts his cigar back in his mouth as Del starts to look uncomfortable. Mike and Denzil stare at them.]

Trigger: [breaking the uncomfortable silence] Oh, so you ---

Denzil: [interrupting, knowing that Trigger is about expose Del asking out Marlene] Trigger! I've remembered something very important I meant to tell ya.

Trigger: What's that?

Denzil: It's gone now.

Trigger: Oh, that's all right, Denzil. It happens to me all the time. See, I was just gonna say something important to Del, and it's gone now. [Del breathes a sigh of relief, as Trigger turns to face Mike.] So, how'd it turn out then, Mike?

Mike: Eh?

Trigger: Coronation Street or EastEnders?

[Mike looks exasperated.]

Boycie: As long as it weren't Eldorado, we can all sleep easy, eh? [He and Del laugh.]

[Albert walks over to the table. Del notices him.]

Del: Oh. All right, Unc? Any messages for me?

Albert: [balancing on Denzil and Mike] Yeah, uh... [Thinks for a moment] That bloke phoned, about the video cameras, and, uh… [Thinks for another moment] Someone come round, moaning about, er… a pair of ski pants. Ooh, and Raquel's left ya! [Points at Del, then walks away as Del realises what he's said]

Del: (confronting Beverly at her workplace, convinced that she's stalking him) Now you listen to me. You leave me and my family alone! You don't frighten me. I'm not scared of you!

Beverly: (to a patient) Mr. James. (to Del) What's wrong with you, you moron?

[Trigger approaches the desk as she says this.]

Trigger: Oh just a couple of fillings.

Heroes and Villains

Albert: (when Damien throws the ball into his bedroom) Little git! (walks into the living room) I fought for this country shot and shell and how they treat ya? Ain't bloody fair, eh?

[Trigger and Boycie are sitting at Sid's Cafe. Trigger has a green-and-yellow ribbon attached to a bronze medal on the left side of his coat. Del and Rodney come over and join them.]

Del: Mornin', all.

Trigger: Alright, Del?

Boycie: [looks up from his newspaper as Del goes to sit on his side] Thank God you've arrived. [As Rodney sits down] He can bore you two with it, now.

Rodney: What's that?

Boycie: [with mock support] Trigger's got a medal! [Trigger shows it off]

Del: [notices it] Oh, yeah! Where'd'ya find that, then, Trig?

Trigger: No, I was awarded it. [Puts his left hand in his pocket] Look. [Takes out a photograph, turns it round so Del can see. It shows Trigger, smartly dressed in his road sweeper uniform, with his medal, grinning and holding his broom, standing next to a smartly-dressed, stern-looking black woman] It's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray. [Turns it so Rodney can see] See? [Points to the photo of himself] That's me.

Rodney: [Sarcastically] Oh, that's you, is it, Trig? Right. Well, glad you cleared that up. [Shoots Del a look]

Del: 'Ere, lemme have a look at that a minute, Trig, will ya? [Trigger hands him the photograph, which he studies] Oh, right, so that's that Councillor Murray, is it? She's the old cow that refused my application for a council grant! [Matter-of-factly] I've never been so humiliated in my life.

Boycie: [As Del hands the photograph back to Trigger] Ah Derek, when you have the time, you must tell me all about it.

Del: [Thinking] Hey, d'ya mean that some of your friends down at the Masonic Lodge have got influence in the Town Hall?

Boycie: Eh, no. It's just that I've often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant! [Laughs]

Del: [To Rodney, sarcastically] And the day started off so well, didn't it?

Trigger: It was Councillor Murray's idea. She's Head of Finance and Facilities at the Town Hall. And she says that local people should be rewarded for services to the community. [Looks at his photograph] Proud moment in my family's history.

Boycie: Trigger, you haven't got a family history. You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare factory somewhere off the Deptford High Street.

Trigger: [Oblivious to Boycie's insult] Maybe. But I still feel proud. [Del laughs to himself and puts his cup down as Boycie rolls his eyes and stares out the window]

Rodney: So, what exactly is the award for?

Trigger: For saving the council money. I happened to mention to her one day that I've had the same broom for the last twenty years. She was very impressed and said, "Have a medal". [Looks at the photograph again] Twenty years. It's a long time, Dave.

Rodney: Yeah, well, it's two decades, innit?

Trigger: [as Sid comes over with orders] Well I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time. [Rodney stares at him whilst drinking]

Del: [Confused] Jer, Trig, jus-just a sec. [As Sid puts the orders down and sits on the table behind him to listen to the conversation] If you've had that broom for the last twenty years, have you actually swept any roads with it?!

Trigger: [Hurt] Well, of course! But I look after it well. We have an old saying that's been handed down by generations of road sweepers: "Look after your broom".

Rodney: "And your broom will look after you".

Trigger: No, Dave. It's just "Look after your broom".

Rodney: [Looks at Del and Boycie, who look away and shake heads] Oh, yeah, that old saying.

Trigger: Yeah. And that's what I done. Maintained it for 20 years. [Leans over, picks his broom up so Del, Rodney and Boycie can see. It is very clean.] This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time. [Rodney frowns. Boycie rolls his eyes. Del starts muttering to himself, as though he's counting.]

Sid: How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?

Trigger: [Shows Sid the picture] Well, here’s a picture of it! What more proof do you need?

[Dressed as Batman and Robin, Del and Rodney find out the fancy dress party is cancelled]

Rodney: We were running in here going [impersonating Batman theme] da na na na na na na na na, and everything!

Rodney: (dressed as Robin) We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.

Trigger: Me either.

Rodney: You mean, that's your costume?

Trigger: Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. (thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.

Del: (dressed as Batman) Yeah, you do stand out a bit.

Modern Men

Raquel: You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!

Cassandra: Ooh Pierce Brosnan.

Rodney: Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.

Cassandra: Yes, haven't I just?

Del: Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.

Raquel: Oh shut up.

Del: No, you could.

Raquel: Don't be silly.

Del: I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.

Rodney: One day, they might make a musical about the history of the Trotter family. Then as a sequel, they could do Schindler's List on Ice!

Rodney: Cassandra, we are talking about Derek Trotter. To Del, market penetration means sex under a barrow!

Rodney: (wearing a "Trotter crash-turban") I look like a human cannonball that's just crashed into a washing line!

Albert: During the war...

Del: Will you shut up!? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!

Time On Our Hands

Del: (talking about why Rodney won't talk to Cassandra after the miscarriage) Yes I know, he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.

Raquel: He's got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.

Del: Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.

Albert: During the...

Del: If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!

Albert: I wasn't gonna say "During the war..."!

Del: Well that's alright then.

Albert: Bloody little know-it-all.

Del: Alright, sorry.

Albert: Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...[Del glowers at him]

[Rodney and Del are stuck in the lift, and Del is "claustrophobic" and acting all immature.]

Rodney: I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just 'cos we're stuck in a lift for a while.

Del: Yes, well you don't know how I feel! (kicks the door a couple of times) I feel... I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like!

Rodney: I don't know what it's like?! How do you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie... since what happened?

Del: I don't know, Rodney, I don't know how you've felt!

Rodney: Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word! Do you know what I did last night?

Del: No, but I bet it was depressing!

Rodney: I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.

Del: See, I was right!

Rodney: No, not quite. I actually noticed moments of hope inside those pages - I mean there weren't many - just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism. They were simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age. I hoped for - hairs, hoped I'd do well in my exams, I even hoped for a good job when I left school.

Del: Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how Right Said Fred must feel.

Rodney: Me and Cass were so happy, Del. We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was a big wide highway and we were just cruising like we were in a Rolls-Royce. And suddenly it came to a shattering halt - just like the poxy lift. Suddenly Happy Families became Dungeons and Dragons. (crying) And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.

Del: Is Cassandra hurting?

Rodney: Well of course she is!

Del: How do you know? You haven't talked to her about it.

Rodney: No, and do you know why? Because... it's because... It's almost like if I don't talk about it, it might not be true.

Del: But it is.

Rodney: I know! I know. But if I don't say it...

Del: If you don't say what?

Rodney: We lost our baby!

Del: But you did - and now you've said it.

Rodney: Yeah. I've said it! You just shield yourself from it, you know. I've just been lying, ain't I?

Del: In a way. And what about Cassandra?

Rodney: Not her. Cassandra can't tell a lie.

Del: Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.

[Del and Rodney both laugh.]

Rodney: Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might... sort of break her.

Del: No. She's strong, Rodney. Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what Mum used to say.

Rodney: Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it.

Del: Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel.

Rodney: What do I say to her?

Del: Well, you tell her exactly what you told me - you can leave out the bit about the hairs if you like. You go home and you have a heart-to-heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight.

Rodney: Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift.

Del: Oh yeah. (stands up and opens the control panel) Let's have a look in here.

Rodney: Claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?

Del: Yeah well, got over the worst of it.

Rodney: (stands up) Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.

Del: Well, these things, they come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. (presses a switch, and the lift begins moving again) There you go.

Rodney: (angry) You git! You stopped it!

Del: (smiling) It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.

Rodney: You git!

[Del and Rodney both start laughing.]

Rodney: (laughing) You! You git!

[The two then hug.]

Del: (taking a smell of the "coffee" Albert just made) Hang about, which coffee did you make this with?

Albert: That jar over there.

Del: This ain't coffee! Smell it, it's bloody gravy.

Albert: Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault. It's them jars, look. How am I supposed to tell the difference?

Del: I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House coffee and on this one it says Oxo gravy granules. Bit of a giveaway really, innit?

Albert: Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.

Del: I'll mix you up in a min...[realises] Hang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what are they pouring over their dinners in there? (goes to look) All right?

Audrey: Wonderful.

Del: (uneasy smile) Cushty. (to Albert) They're only doing it. They are only out there doing it now! They are only pouring Maxwell bleeding House over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier and battleship that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat!

Cassandra: (offer Del the "gravy") Del?

Del: No! I mean, no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.

Cassandra: Albert?

Albert: Er, not for me dear.

Del: Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly. Del then whispers to him) Git!

[Del and Rodney managed to auction off the John Harrison "lesser watch".]

Del: How much exactly did it go for?

Rodney: Six point two million. Just over three million each.

Del: Well we've had worse days, ain't we?

[Del, Rodney, and Albert walk off into an animated sunset]

Del: Come on Rodney, this is our big chance. He who dares wins! This time next year, we could be billionaires!

If They Could See Us Now

Trigger: When I go in there, I'll just say I hear voices.

Denzil: Trigger, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.

Trigger: I know. But I still hear voices!

Boycie: Oh, God. This is gonna be one of them days!

Trigger: There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzil. All you've gotta do is go in there and tell the truth.

Denzil: Trigger, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney'll spend the next five years sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils!

Del: Don't worry Rodney, this time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Rodney: This time last week, we were millionaires!

Cassandra: Del, it's Albert. I'm so sorry.

Del: (regarding the loss of their fortune) Oh, it's my fault, is it!?

Rodney: Either you, or this is the Chinese Year of the Dodo!

Rodney: So ummm... what you doing here, Trig?

Trigger: Well Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub.

Rodney: Oh, right. (realises) But you live closer to the pub than us.

Trigger: I know.

Rodney: In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat.

Trigger: Yeah? But Del said he'd give me a lift!

Trigger: Ain't there any words to this, Dave?

Rodney: Words? No... no words. Sorta instrumental.

Del: What's this?

Trigger: It's Mozart's symphony number 38 in D Major. It's the karaoke version.

Del appears on a gameshow in attempt to get some of fortune back.

Jonathan Ross: In which state was President Kennedy in when he was assassinated in 1963?

Del: Well he was in a terrible state, he died.

Strangers on the Shore

Del: Here, Boyce. You know this car's a GTI. If you rearrange the numbers then you got yourself a personalised number plate!

Damien: (to Raquel) Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.

Raquel: Oh did he?

Rodney: Yeah, well, they all are aren't they? They go through that Kevin and Perry stage.

Raquel: Yeah, suppose they are a bit annoying. But when you reach 21 a man leaves those days behind him and matures into a responsible adult.

Del: (on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel! So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac!

Raquel: Well that's the theory, anyway.

Del: One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French.

Rodney: It's canard.

Del: You can say that again bruv!

Rodney: No the French word for duck is canard.

Del: Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2?

Rodney: No that's Cunard. They're the ones with the boats and what have you. The French for duck is canard.

Del: Right lovely jubbly. Right, so how do the French say à l'Orange then?

Rodney: A l'Orange!

Del: What, the same as we do?

Rodney: Yes.

Del: Oh dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words innit eh?

[When Del and Rodney discovered that St. Claire a la Chappelle is full of Uncle Albert lookalikes.]

Rodney: Here's another one of them, Del! It's like a geriatric Village of the Damned!

Del: I don't know about St. Claire a la Chappelle, they should rename this place "Trottersville"!

Del: Captain Corelli's Mandolin? More like Captain Birdseye's Banjo!

[Del, Rodney, Denzil, and Trigger discover that they've accidentally brought an illegal immigrant back with them from France.]

Del: We're just gonna have to let him go then.

Rodney: We can't just let him go! A stranger on this estate? Imagine what the gangs will do to him?

Denzil: Yeah. For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda!

Rodney: Don't be stupid, Denzil.

Del: Yeah. I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?

Boycie: Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat!? It's like holding a seance with Mr. Bean.

Gary: Gary!

Sleepless in Peckham

Sid: This group do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.

Rodney: Why?

Del: Well Boycie, I hope you won't take offence and what I'm about to say, but me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene and buried her in the garden.

Boycie: How dare you! Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden? I have never been so insulted in my life. You know how much I've spent on that garden! You think I'm going to dig a hole in it?

Trigger: (talking about his invention of a backscratcher made from chopsticks) Raquel, can you pass a message onto Del Boy?

Raquel: OK.

Trigger: Tell him there's been a bit of a setback. My paraffin heater melted the chopsticks. I might have to go to a Chinese shop. He'll understand.

[Raquel looks completely bemused.]

Cassandra: Why do they do that?

Raquel: It's like I've told you, Cassandra. Women are from Venus, men are from Peckham!

[Rodney shows Cassandra the picture of the 1960 Jolly Boys Outing.]

Cassandra: There's you. (realisation hits her)

Rodney: Yeah there's me. July 1960. Before I was born.

Cassandra: Who is it?

Rodney: He's my father.

Cassandra: But your father...

Rodney: My real father, Cass. My biological old man.

Raquel: Who is he?

Del: His name was Freddie Robdal. He was a mate of my dad's. My mum was having a rough time with the old man. He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women. Not much cop when it came to men, but a hard nut with women and kids. Anyway, one day, my dad brought Freddie home, and him and my mum got on like a house on fire. They had the same taste in music and... well, everything.

Cassandra: And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?

Rodney: He was a gentleman safe-cracker. They called him "The Raffles of Peckham". People have mentioned him before and we sounded similar. He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet, a real snappy dresser, and big-time charmer.

Cassandra: So, how are you similar?

Rodney: We're about the same height.

Raquel: And you've known all these years?

Del: No. Well...at least, not when Rodney was a baby. But...when you get to 20, and your 6-year-old brother is taller than you, it makes you think, don't it? I never knew really who he was. As a youngster, I was told to call him "Uncle Fred". And then a few years back, Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do... It was a wet corset contest. Anyway, he told me all about Freddie and my mum. I don't know if you noticed, but there are no photographs of my mum in this house, except for a couple of close-ups.

Raquel: Well, yeah. But, I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.

Del: No. He only used to take money and things that he could sell. Then Uncle Albert told me...it was my Aunt Reenie who sorted it all after Mum's funeral. You see every picture of Mum included Freddie Robdal, and my Aunt Reenie knew that as Rodney got older, people would start to see the stimularities, so she burnt them.

Raquel: Do you think Rodney knows?

Del: (when Rodney asks if he's anything like his father, Freddie the Frog) Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar. He was disloyal to his friends. He was a womaniser, a home-breaker, a con-man, a thief, a liar, and a cheat... So no Rodney, you're nothing like him.

[Last lines of the series]

Del: Can I ask you a question, Rodders?

Rodney: Fire away.

Del: Where did that runway come from?

Rodney: I don't fancy making that film now.

Del: You know what, Rodders? That's a bloody good idea! (both Trotter Brothers laugh)

Common Phrases

Derek "Del Boy" Trotter

Lovely Jubbly!
He who dares, wins!
This time next year, we'll be millionaires!
He who dares Rodney, he who dares.
What a plonker!
Cushty!
Mum said to me on her deathbed...
You wally!!
Oh, Shut up, you tart!
You know it makes sense
Rodney, you dipstick!
Gordon Bennett! (Gordon Bennett, Rodney!)

Rodney Charlton Trotter

Bloody 'ell!
Cosmic!/Cos-bloody-mic!
You git! You rotten git!
T'riffic!

Grandad

Del Boy, I've burnt ya pizza.

Uncle Albert

During the war...
During the 1939 to 1945 conflict with Germany...
I fought for this country

Trigger

(To Rodney) Alright Dave

Cast

External links

Encyclopedic article on Only Fools and Horses on Wikipedia
Media related to Only Fools and Horses on Wikimedia Commons
Only Fools and Horses quotes at the Internet Movie Database