Nurse Jackie

Nurse Jackie is an American medical dark comedy-drama series. It premiered on Showtime, Move Central, and The Movie Network, on June 8, 2009.

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Zoey Barkow: I just want you to know, I think it's supergreat that I'll be with you all day. I can tell you're somebody who, you know, lives the job, and that's totally me. Totally...

Jackie Peyton: OK, a quick question.

Zoey: Sure.

Jackie: Shut up.

Zoey: Is that the question?

---

Jackie: Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table. T.S. Eliot, tenth grade English. Sister Jane Deshuntel. What a champ. She's the one who told me that the people with the greatest capacity for good are the ones with the greatest capacity for evil. Smart fucking nun.

---

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz: What does one offer as a side dish when serving John the Baptist's head on a silver platter?

Jackie: Hmm... coleslaw. No, mac and cheese. No, potato salad.

Sweet 'n All [1.2]

Jackie: [to Zoey] What's this about? Nobody ate your muffins? You found an ear in the toilet? So what? You know what this job is, honey? This job is wading through a shitstorm of people who come into this place on the very worst day of their lives. And just so you know, doctors are here to diagnose, not heal. *We* heal. All Saints is in the business of flipping beds. That's it, end of story. The fact that you have even the slightest inclination to help people puts you miles ahead of one hundred percent of the population. So stop crying, okay? Buck up! If you need to cry, go do it in the ladies room. Is that clear?

Chicken Soup [1.3]

Mrs. Zimberg: The doctor who told Bernie he had less than six months to live? He's dead.

Bernard Zimberg: Hit by a bus.

Mrs. Zimberg: Crosstown M-14.

Bernard: They're nice busses, if you have to get hit by a bus.

Mrs. Zimberg: You could do worse.

School Nurse [1.4]

Zoey: Do you think it's true what they say about twins? That they can read each other's minds? Feel each other's pain?

Mohammed: Definitely. I'm a twin. I was a twin.

Zoey: [hugging Mohammed] Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

Mohammed: [brushing her off] Chica, never do that. Never think you should feel sorry for me.

---

Zoey: Do you remember him?

Mohammed: You know, I do. I remember being with someone, you know? Like I came into the world with someone. I didn't come here alone, so, you know, being alone-alone is hard for me. It doesn't feel bad. It just feels wrong.

Zoey: Do you ever think about what he would be like?

Mohammed: Every day.

Daffodil [1.5]

Zoey: I think it's interesting how you use humor to cover up your real emotions. Somebody in your past must have really hurt you, and I'm sorry for that. Because I think you're one of the most generous people I've ever met.

Dr. Eleanor O'Hara: Darling, the point of these little feasts is to eat, and never to dip into... whatever the hell that was.

---

Gloria: I know that you do what you think you have to get the job done, but I have been fucking the system for over thirty years. There's not a move in this repertoire that I haven't already seen.

Jackie: We'll see.

Tiny Bubbles [1.6]

Dr. Fitch Cooper: You were the better cook, you sewed all my buttons back on, you took me to Duran Duran... I loved you more, embrace it.

Mrs. Scheinhorn: The reason I was more fun was because she wanted us to bond, so she gave me all the fun stuff. That's all. She gets the credit, not me. And you know what? It worked. Here we are. Voilà

Steak Knife [1.7]

Zoey: Can I at least take the knife out?

Jackie: No, Zoey. You never remove a foreign object protruding from a patient. A surgeon does that, do you understand?

Zoey: [whispering] But it's so tempting.

Pupil [1.8]

Zoey: So, I'm on my own.

Jackie: Yes, stop smiling. The last time you were on your own, you gave Dave the Addict six Percocet for a non-existing broken finger.

Zoey: He cried every time I made him bend it.

---

Jackie: Okay, you don't go home and lie down after a head injury. That's how people end up dead on their couch.

Nosebleed [1.9]

Social Worker: Great news, we found the parents.

Gloria Akalitus: What? Where?

Social Worker: They've stepped forward, to resume custody.

Gloria: I'm not handing over this child to just anyone.

Social Worker: It's the parents.

Gloria: I understand that.

Social Worker: We've been to the apartment, everything checks out. They were just a little overwhelmed. They're young.

Gloria: No excuse. Barack Obama's mother was eighteen.

Ring Finger [1.10]

Mohammed: What's up with O'Hara?

Jackie: Who knows?

Mohammed: Usually she says hello.

Jackie: No, she only says hello when she's bored. Or she's wearing something new and she wants someone to notice.

Mohammed: God, you're right. Those Chanel pumps are hot, though.

---

Mohammed: I want to find your ring. Cause then I'll have done one good thing today. If I can do one good thing a day, I feel good about my life.

Jackie: That's doable.

Mohammed: Believe me, it's harder than it sounds. Plus I've got a lot of bad shit I'm trying to make up for.

Jackie: I don't believe you, Mohammed.

Mohammed: That's because you're a good person.

Health Care and Cinema [1.12]

Gloria: [to a coma patient] I've never been a fan of movies where idiots talk to people in comas. Would you consider signing something clearing All Saints of any neglective malfeasance? Just a thought.

---

Zoey: You know, Mr. Nutterman? I'm not so crazy about Kevin Costner either.

Neil Nutterman: Do I know him?

Zoey: Uhm. What movie won the Oscar for Best Picture last year?

Neil: When was "Showgirls"? That was a good movie.