Nuns on the Run
1990 film by Jonathan Lynn
Nuns on the Run is a 1990 British comedy film starring Eric Idle and Robbie Coltrane, also featuring Camille Coduri and Janet Suzman. It was directed by Jonathan Lynn and produced by HandMade Films. Many of the outdoor scenes were shot in Chiswick. The soundtrack was composed and performed by Yello.
Dialogue
edit- Triad gang member: Why you follow us?
- Brian: Eh?
- Triad gang member: I said, why you follow us?
- Brian: Dunno what you talking about?
- Triad gang member: Are you police men?
- Charlie: Do we look like police men?
- The Traid gang member pulls out a machete now
- Triad gang member: No, good. So, if you follow us again, I chop your arms off, okay?
- Brian Hope/Sister Euphemia: God is very busy. He can't control all the details. He's running a franchise operation.
- Brian and Charlie do not like that their old boss was killed and Case has taken over
- Norm: Guys, I do not think you have to worry. I was blunt and told Case I wanted out.
- Brian: You told Case that? What did he say?
- Norm: He said he was OK with me wanting out!
- Nighttime. Brian and Charlie dump a car with a corpse into the ocean and remove their hats in dirge
- Charlie: Poor Norm. I talked to him this afternoon.
- Brian introduces Charlie to Faith, his new girlfriend. Faith has a job as a test subject, where doctors pay her to tell of REM phases during sleep
- Charlie McManus: What does she do?
- Brian Hope: She sleeps for 10 quid.
- Charlie McManus: Only 10 quid? Why, I would give her at least 50!
- Brian has started dating Faith, whom he met in a casino. He got her a job in a gym, which is a front organization for their gang
- Faith: Thanks for getting me this job Brian! That last place was run by gangsters.
- Brian gives himself surprised look
- Sister Superior: What happened to your arm?
- Faith: I'm not sure. I fell.
- Sister Superior: It looks like a bullet wound to me.
- Faith: How would you know?
- Sister Superior: I've seen bullet wounds. I've been a missionary.
- Faith: Where?
- Sister Superior: East L. A.
- Father Seamus: Tell me. Is celibacy just as difficult for a woman as it is for a man?
- Charlie McManus: I wouldn't know... I must come clean, though, I, I had a man in my bed last night. All right. You see, the way I see it, sex is allowed.
- Father Seamus: Ah, ha... ha!
- Charlie McManus: No. No, it's the doctrine of original sin. You see, we're all born sinful, except for Jesus. who was perfect of course. And he was sent to save us. But how could he save us unless we're sinning? So we have to go on sinning in order to be saved and go to Heaven. That's how Christianity works. That's why it suits so many people.
- Brian Hope: Look, Charlie. Some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no one can prove you don't.
- Charlie McManus: The church isn't selling anything, Brian.
- Brian Hope: Oh! Well, if the church isn't selling, how did it get to be so rich? Just remember, wherever there's a deep human need, there's more money to be made.
- Charlie McManus: You think so?
- Brian Hope: Of course, look at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
- Brian Hope: You shot Loui, you asshole!
- Brian Hope: I thought you were supposed to be eating fish on a Friday.
- Charlie McManus: No, you're way out of date. Vatican II said we don't have to do that anymore.
- Brian Hope: Who's "Vatican II"? The deputy pope?
- Charlie McManus: Ignoramus. You can't have a deputy pope. The pope's infallible; you can't be deputy-infallible!
- Brian Hope: Explain the Trinity.
- Charlie McManus: Hmmm... well, it's a bit of a bugger.
- Charlie McManus: You've got the Father, the Son and the holy ghost. But the three are one - like a shamrock, my old priest used to say. "Three leaves, but one leaf." Now, the father sent down the son, who was love, and then when he went away, he sent down the holy spirit, who came down in the form of a...
- Brian Hope: You told me already - a ghost.
- Charlie McManus: No, a dove.
- Brian Hope: The dove was a ghost?
- Charlie McManus: No, the ghost was a dove.
- Brian Hope: Let me try and summarize this: God is his son. And son is his God. But his son moonlights as a holy ghost, a holy spirit, and a dove. And they all send each other, even though they're all one and the same thing.
- Charlie McManus: Got it.
- Brian Hope: What?
- Charlie McManus:You really could be a nun!
- Charlie McManus: [teaching Brian how to cross himself] Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.
- Sister Superior: My Lord, thou hast always moved in mysterious ways thy wonders to perform, but this latest wonder takes some beating even from you. So what we want to say is thanks a million for sending us Euphemia and Inviolata. And keep an eye on them, won't you? They need you. Amen.
- Charlie McManus: "Don't come back here. Case may send Abbot and Morley to find you love Brian." "Don't come back here" is a bit like saying "Do not read this note"
- Brian Hope: Well you write it then
(Sister Mary leaves)
- Charlie McManus: Why?
- Brian hope: Because we need to look just like them if we want to pass un-noticed
- Brian Hope: What did he die of?
- Casey: He wanted to work for somebody else
- Charlie McManus: Oh natural causes
- Casey: I want you take him for some special weight training
- Brian McManus: Hold it Don't shoot.
- Morley: Why not?
- Brian McManus: Because it's wrong
- Charlie McManus: Lots of reasons
- Brian Hope: Name three
- Charlie McManus:Case,The Triads, The Police
- Sister Mary is snoozing in her room, fell asleep drunk while reading a book
- Book: Betting for Profit
- Brian and Charlie enter her room through the window, waking her up
- Sister Mary: ACK! MEN! MEN!
- Sister Mary wakes up all the women. Brian & Charlie take advantage of this to get into their Eupehemia and Inviolata disguises
- Mother Superior: What is the meaning of all this?
- Brian does pantomime about drinking booze
- Mother Superior: OK Sister Mary, hand it over.
- Sister Mary: But, I did see two men break in...Defeated, she surrenders a bottle of whiskey to Mother Superior
- Mother Superior: Sister Mary, you have more work to do.
- Sister Mary: You know, I saw two men last night.
- Charlie McManus/Sister Inviolata: Oh, I'm sure it was just a nightmare.
- Sister Mary: Yes, but… was it real? Hmm, your face.
- She touches his face, then squeezes it
- Sister Mary: It's all stubby! You've got a beard!! YOU'RE A MAN!!!
- Charlie McManus: I think God's gonna get us out of this alive
- Brian Hope: Well I hope you won't be relying on him totally. Cause we've still gotta break into that bleeding cupboard
- Charlie McManus: Great. Now if Case doesn't kill us the Triads will
- Brian Hope: You know what we ought to do? Steal the money for ourselves
- Charlie McManus: Oh brilliant. Then we'll have Case trying to gun us down and The Triads trying to chop us up.
- Brian Hope/Sister Euphemia: How is she?
- Faith's father: Oh she's got a bullet wound
- Brian Hope/Sister Euphemia: Bullet wound?
- Faith's father: Apparentley she's been involved with some gangster. Called Brian.
Cast
edit- Eric Idle as Brian Hope/Sister Euphemia of the Five Wounds
- Robbie Coltrane as Charlie McManus/Sister Inviolata of the Immaculate Conception.
- Janet Suzman as Sister Liz (Sister Superior)
- Camille Coduri as Faith Thomas
- Robert Patterson as "Case" Casey
- Doris Hare as Sister Mary (of the Sacred Heart)
- Lila Kaye as Sister Mary (of the Annunciation)
- Robert Morgan as Abbott
- Winston Dennis as Morley
