No One Lives Forever

2000 video game

No One Lives Forever is a first-person shooter series developed by Monolith Productions. As of 2007, the series consists of two installments (The Operative: No One Lives Forever and No One Lives Forever 2: A Spy In H.A.R.M.'s Way) and one spin-off (Contract J.A.C.K.). In the core games, set in 1967-68, the player assumes the role of Cate Archer, a secret agent of the fictional British anti-terror organization UNITY, as she combats the international terrorist network H.A.R.M.. The spin-off concerns John Jack, a professional killer recruited by H.A.R.M., and is chronologically set between the two core games. The games include a lot of humor and have been described as a mixture of Austin Powers and James Bond with the lead character resembling Emma Peel from The Avengers.

No One Lives Forever

Directed by Craig Hubbard.
Who wants to LIVE FOREVER?


Random thug 2: What's in all those kegs, anyway?
Random thug 1: Beer! We supply H.A.R.M.'s entire staff with the finest Deutsch brews.
Thug 2: Really? That must be a lot of beer.
Thug 1: Indeed. Our studies show that criminals drink three times as much alcohol as law abiding citizens.
Thug 2: So beer turns people into criminals?
Thug 1: A correlation doesn't imply causality. Just because criminals drink a lot of beer doesn't mean that beer causes crime. It's possible that people with criminal tendencies enjoy beer because it helps to soothe their conscience. Or perhaps criminal behavior is caused in part by a genetic predisposition that also, coincidentally, makes criminals like the taste of beer more than the average person. Who knows?
Thug 2: You're very knowledgeable about these things.
Thug 1: Criminal sociology is a hobby of mine. I think it's important to understand not just the individual, psychological roots of one's behavior, but also the social circumstances that foster that behavior. Whether we like it or not, we are shaped by our environment.
Thug 2: Surely you're not suggesting that individuals aren't accountable for their actions?
Thug 1: Oh, no, of course not. Just because we are products of the societies we're born into doesn't absolve us of personal responsibility. Our religions and laws teach us what is right and what is wrong. Frequently, the right choice is the more difficult path to take. It requires sacrifice, self-discipline, patience … virtues that many of us find somewhat lacking in our natures.
Thug 2: But what if you're born into a hedonistic culture?
Thug 1: Look across history. The reason hedonism is discouraged by most religions and governments is that it weakens a civilization. It breeds sloth, petulance, degeneracy, and selfishness. A divided nation is a fragile nation, waiting to be conquered. Unity is strength. Humans instinctively fashion order out of chaos. It is a natural, probably genetic impulse. Therefore, even an individual born into troubled times has the capacity, and even the duty, to behave in a manner that promotes unity, however difficult it may be.
Thug 2: Then what about us?
Thug 1: I can only speak for myself. I am a product of a broken household, which introduced a general lack of self confidence in me at a very early age. These feelings of inadequacy blossomed into anger as I matured that the rigors of adolescence, with the teasing and abuse and awkwardness we must all endure, only exacerbated. But even though I've identified the source of my problems, I'm still too childish and petty to become a responsible, mature citizen.
Thug 2: Well, admitting you have a problem is the first step, I suppose.
Thug 1: I like to think so.

(A Tenuous Lead, Scene 4)

Sailor 1: You okay? You look terrible.
Sailor 2: I have a really bad headache. I went to this club last night? It took me two hours to get in.
Sailor 1: Popular, eh?
Sailor 2: I guess so, although I don't know why. The music, it was the most horrible thing I've ever heard.
Sailor 1: Hey, I've been to places like that.
Sailor 2: No, you don't understand. I thought I understood what bad music was. This place... imagine that bad music is its own art form. The woman who was singing would be the Beethoven of bad music.
Sailor 1: Come on.
Sailor 2: First of all, it was operetta, which is bad enough.
Sailor 1: Ugh.
Sailor 2: What made it truly painful wasn't that it was completely out of key, although that was certainly unpleasant. It was that it was so... vicious. Like she was trying to kill the audience with her voice.
Sailor 1: Maybe she was.
Sailor 2: No, if you'd seen her you would know. She didn't realize how bad she was.
Sailor 1: What did she look like, anyway?
Sailor 2: Very large with bright, rosy cheeks. Dressed kind of like a milk maid.
Sailor 1: You're kidding.
Sailor 2: No, I'm not kidding.
Sailor 1: Was her name Inge Wagner?
Sailor 2: How did you know?
Sailor 1: She came aboard an hour ago.
Sailor 2: What?!
Sailor 1: It's true! Didn't you read the memo in the galley?
Sailor 2: I never read those!
Sailor 1: We're supposed to assemble on deck after breakfast tomorrow. For a motivational concert.
Sailor 2: I get it. Very funny! You really had me going for a moment there.
Sailor 1: I'm not joking.
Sailor 2: Please tell me that you are... I have to get off this ship. Maybe I can hide somewhere? Do you think they'll notice if I'm not there?
Sailor 1: I doubt it. Hell, I'll join you.

(Rendezvous in Hamburg, Scene 2)

[Two Scientists are testing an intercom]
Scientist 1: Test, 1, 2, 3, Test.
Scientist 2: Turn it down!
Scientist 1: How's this? Over.
Scientist 2: I can't tell! I'm deaf!
Scientist 1: Proceed with the experiment, over!
Scientist 2: You don't have to say over! It's not a radio!
Scientist 1: I like to say it, over.
Scientist 2: Fine!
Scientist 1: How is the goat? Over.
Scientist 2: The goat is nervous, how do you think the goat is?!
Scientist 1: You don't have to shout! Over.
Scientist 2: Would you come down here for a second?
Scientist 1: Why...? [pause] Over.
Scientist 2: I have to tell you something.
Scientist 1: I don't trust you! I think you're planning to hurt me! Over.
Scientist 2: I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to tell you... a secret!
Scientist 1: What kind of secret? Over.
Scientist 2: A good one. About Bettina, something she said about you!
Scientist 1: I don't believe you... over.
Scientist 2: Suit yourself!
Scientist 1: What did she say? Over.
Scientist 2: If you want to know, you have to come down here!

(Berlin By Night, Scene 3)

[Magnus Armstrong is in the galley of the ship, getting drunk]
Inge Wagner: [From down the hall] Armstrong! Where are you?
[Inge enters the galley]
Inge Wagner: I demand an explanation.
Magnus Armstrong: [Drunk] 'splanation for what?
Inge Wagner: Heinrich tells me the girl is still alive. Perhaps you did not understand my orders.
Magnus Armstrong: Yer orders? Ha! You don't give me orders.
Inge Wagner: She was to be liquidated! Why did you spare her?
Magnus Armstrong: I'll not slay a countryman without a fair fight. The girl's just doing her job.
Inge Wagner: She's a threat to our operation. I'm sure the Director would agree with me.
Magnus Armstrong: Then, you kill her.
Inge Wagner: Coward.
Magnus Armstrong: Fatty!
Inge Wagner: Drunk.
Magnus Armstrong: ... Fatty!
Inge Wagner: You disgust me!
[A large explosion rocks the ship]
Inge Wagner: What was that?!
Magnus Armstrong: That's an explosion.
Inge Wagner: [To a sailor] Find out what's going on!
Sailor: Jawohl Fraulein Wagner!
[Over the intercom] Abandon ship, abandon ship!!!
Sailor 1: Did he say 'ship', or 'sheep'?
Sailor 2: Ship I think, why?
Sailor 1: Uh, no reason.

(A Tenuous Lead, Scene 5)

Magnus Armstrong: Well, let's go.
Inge Wagner: What about the cargo?!
Magnus Armstrong: You're welcome to fetch it, fatty! As for me, I'm gettin' off this boat before she sinks.
Inge Wagner: But the operation!
Magnus Armstrong: We can replace the cargo, but I'm one of a kind, if you take my meaning.
Inge Wagner: The Director will not be pleased.
Magnus Armstrong: Then stay here and show your devotion. I'll nail up a commerative plaque for you in the ladies room o' that wretched nightclub of yours.
Inge Wagner: I can't help it if my beautiful cabaret is infested with beatniks. I've tried to get rid of them, but they're like roaches.
Magnus Armstrong: Probably because they think you sing like that on purpose. Experimental jazz or some such shite.
Inge Wagner: Cretin.
Magnus Armstrong: Enough of this jabbering! Get out of my way, your hideous mass is blocking the bulkhead!

(A Tenuous Lead, Scene 5)

Inge Wagner: [Singing] Send in the divers!
Magnus Armstrong: Make sure you get the shipping manifest and the Captain's log. Oh, and if you see a half empty bottle of Laphroaig floating about in my quarters, I'd be much obliged if you'd retrieve her for me.
Inge Wagner: You disgust me.
Magnus Armstrong: So?
Inge Wagner: You are a drunk and a coward.
Magnus Armstrong: You can say what you please about my hobbies and my hygiene, but I swear if you ever cast aspersions on my manhood again, I'll pound you. I'm not a coward.
Inge Wagner: Your threats don't frighten me.
Magnus Armstrong: A good beating might knock some of that ugly out of you. Care to find out?
Inge Wagner: I will be in my quarters rehearsing, I am not to be disturbed.
Magnus Armstrong: That's right. It's the rest of us who'll be disturbed you bloody great banshee. I've heard cats in heat that sing prettier than you.
Inge Wagner: Criticism is the refuge of those without the talent or discipline for the pursuit of art. I pity you.
Magnus Armstrong: And well you should. You call that bellowing of yours art? Fart is more like it.
Inge Wagner: Imbecile.
Magnus Armstrong: [Singing] Fatty fatty fatty, fattitty fat, fatty fatty.
Inge Wagner: Hmph!

(The Dive, Scene 3)

[Archer and Goodman are discussing the plan on infiltrating the cargo freighter. Archer is annoyed that Goodman doesn't think that Archer is capable of performing a "Man's Job" She asks him why he can't be subtle]
Tom Goodman: I can be subtle.
Cate Archer: Then explain that shirt. (The shirt is a light green colour with a strange pattern all around)

(A Tenuous Lead, Scene 3)

Terrible Spy Code Phrases

  • [Standing outside the East German Research Facility]
Berlin contact: I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Cate Archer: I'm in the book. Just look under "police department".
Berlin contact: Why must I be made to say such stupid things?
  • [Standing in the street]
1st Contact: Guten Abend Fraulein, do you make love to strangers?
Cate Archer: Certainly not!
Contact: Then allow me to introduce myself.
Cate Archer: Why not introduce yourself to a police officer and spare me the trouble?
  • [Answering Payphone]
2nd Contact: Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Cate Archer: More than you can afford!
  • [Ringing doorbell of apartment 205]
3rd Contact: Want to come in for a game of twister?
Cate Archer: I'd rather run over you with my car!
  • [In a bar]
4th Contact: You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Can you cook and clean too?
Cate Archer: No, but I can put you in the hospital if you want. Maybe you can find someone to take care of you there, maybe.

(Berlin by Night, Scenes 1 and 2)

[On the Train]
UNITY Agent: Is it just you or is it hot in here?
Cate Archer: Either way I think you need a cold shower!

(Rescue Attempt, Scene 1)

Baroness Dumas


[Baroness Dumas is windowshopping...]

  • Dreadful
  • Pathetic
  • I'd sooner swallow a kitten than spend money here
  • Well isn't that provincial
  • Here comes Miss Fancypants again

Baroness Dumas: What's your name?
Hans: Hans Gierchna, at your service.
Baroness Dumas: You're fired.
Hans: Huh? Why?
Baroness Dumas: Because if I were to shoot you it would cause a scene

(Alpine Intrigue, Scene 1)

Guard: Are you going on up to the chateau Baroness Dumas?
Baroness Dumas: Of course I am you simpering oaf! Did you think I was planning on sitting around here playing pinochle with you IDIOTS?!?

(Alpine Intrigue, Scene 2)

  • "Well aren't you a righteous little bitch. Maybe it'll get you into heaven. I suppose you'll find out soon enough"

Baroness Dumas: Get Armstrong up here. I want someone competent guarding this door.
Guard: That's not a very nice thing to say.
Baroness Dumas: Is that so? Well after you fetch him how would you like to take yourself outside and have yourself shot? That'll give you something to complain about.

(The Indomitable Cate Archer, Scene 2)

Baroness Dumas: I'll be in my lair
Guard: Yes Ma'am
Baroness Dumas: Do I even need to mention that I don't want to be interupted?
Guard: No Ma'am
Baroness Dumas: Good.

(The Indomitable Cate Archer, Scene 3)

Memorable Humour

Street vendor in Morocco: "You look like you need a monkey." [There is a cheat code reads "mpyoulooklikeyouneedamonkey", which grants the player full armor]

(Misfortune in Morocco, Scene 2)

HARM Agent: "Yes sir! I mean, no sir! I mean, yes to the first part and no to second part...sir!"

(Misfortune in Morocco, Scene 2)

[A Hotel maid emerges from a room to find the hallway full of thugs' bodies]
Maid: I'm not cleaning up this mess!

(The Dive, Scene 2)


[When hearing suspicious noises]
  • Why is anyone there? Eh Hello?
  • Who's there?
  • Look I'm going to find you!
  • Will ya do us all a favour and come out?
  • Come out of there, NOW!
  • I must stop drinking myself to sleep!
  • Is anyone there?
  • Huh?
  • Don't think you're hiding you're fooling me! I know exactly where you are!
  • Don't try to get away from me! I will track you down like a dog!
  • I will sniff you out like a bloodhound!
[When in action]
  • This, hard rain is falling everyone down!
  • I do not like being shot at!
  • Incoming fire!
  • Bullets are crap!
  • Aw, your goin' down there mate!
  • I'm not going anywhere!
  • Be careful of the bullets!
  • Call for back up, eh!
  • I don't care if it is friendly fire, I don't want any of it!
  • Kill her!
  • Toten sie ihr! (These are German words but translated it would mean: "(You go) kill her!")
  • Be a good chap and call for back up would you?

No One Lives Forever 2


Cate Archer

  • "You ever swallow a lit cigar?"
  • "Maybe you need your arse kicked!"

Magnus Armstrong

  • "So where do I sign up for this shindig?"
  • "Come on, ya jessies, ya ain't even tryin'!"
  • "I'm long overdue for a pint or two."


Cate Archer: You really impressed me back there.
Magnus Armstrong: Listen to you cry.
Cate Archer: All you had to do was grab him, you dumb ox!
Magnus Armstrong: Cry, cry, cry.
Cate Archer: Well, at least you got his coat. Maybe he'll freeze to death!
Magnus Armstrong [mock sobbing]: Oh-oh, oh-h-h...boohoo!
Cate Archer: Shut up.
Magnus Armstrong: Make me.

Other characters

  • Melvin Blitzny: "She wasn't good looking and she smelled like a horse, but she was woman enough for me!"
  • "Crazy" Harij: "I realize that you find me irresistible... but, I'm tired of talking to you!"
  • Guard in Soviet compound: "This is the Union of the Socialist Soviet Republics, people do not disappear for no reason!" (on talking with another guard about the missing comrade Mikhail)

Contract J.A.C.K.

  • Dr. Harij: You are making Dr. Harij very, very angry!
  • Czechoslovakian Soldier: This conversation is causing me physical pain.
  • Il Pazzo: I don't know when. I don't know how. I don't even know where. But some day, I'm gonna kill you!
  • John Jack: I wouldn't want to work for you sons of bitches anyway.


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