New Avengers

New Avengers is a Comic Book series chronicling the adventures of a new team of Avengers.

Issue #2

Iron Man: Guess we really shouldn't have broken up the Avengers, huh?

Captain America: We didn't. You did.

Captain America: Does anyone know how this started?

Spider-Man: No, but you can blame me if you want. Everyone else will.

Issue #3

Captain America: (to Peter Parker) every time I have fought alongside you... I have been amazed.

Spider-Man: I can't believe I'm saying yes to this. Who can say no to you?

Captain America: Good man.

Spider-Man: Well, honestly, I could really use the money.

Captain America: Oh, there's no more money.

Spider-Man: Ugh, that is so me it's not even funny.

Daredevil: Sometimes I look at all the things Peter Parker does in a month, and I have no idea how he gets it all done.

Issue #5

(The Avengers wake up hanging naked by ceiling chains)

Spider-Man: Yep. We're naked.

Spider-Woman: They couldn't leave our underwear on?

Spider-Man: I wasn't wearing any.

Spider-Woman: Why wouldn't you be wearing underwear?

Spider-Man: I chafe.

Spider-Woman: (pause) I want off the team.

Luke Cage: I hold to a simple philosophy: just assume everyone's a piece of crap and then be pleasantly surprised if you find anyone who ain't.

Issue #6

Spider-Man: Anyone want to carry me?

Luke Cage: Don't you have the proportionate strength of a spider?

Spider-Man: Who hasn't slept in three days, who got his arm broken and hasn't had it looked at yet, who is now hiking though the tropical jungle in his full-body long johns and booties.

Luke Cage: That spider that bit ya must have been one whiney spider.

Wolverine: Booties?

Issue #7

Wrecker: You're really getting on my nerves, web-head!!

Spider-Man: But I haven't even made that many lame jokes yet... I mean, you know, for me.

Spider-Man jumps through the air, smashing a child's tricycle over Wrecker's head

Spider-Man: Dropped my tricycle!

Wolverine: (after being hit away by the Wrecker) I haven't made a good decision in 14 years, I swear to god...

Spider-Man: (after seeing Wolverine bite the dust) Ah man, Wolverine is gonna be pretty upset when his face grows back.

Issue #13

Echo: (after unmasking her Ronin mask off) My Name is Maya Lopez. They also call me Echo.

Issue #23

Hydra Official: Jessica, both your parents were Hydra agents before you. I mean, you're more than an agent - you're family. You're blood. Join us.

Spider-Woman: You know, you may be right. Thinking back, I think I can honestly say that the happiest times of my life were spent in Hydra bases -

Hydra Official: Right!

Spider-Woman: - just before I blew them up. (Spider-Woman knocks out all the guards)

Issue #27

Iron Fist: Spidey, Get Back.

Spider-Man: Got it. (Aw, he called me Spidey.) Note to self: Get an Iron Fist.

Spider-Man: Yay! Ninjas! I love Ninjas!

Wolverine: You said you hated ninjas.

Spider-Man: Ah, Logan, that was before the House of M and our little Civil War. In retrospect, I kinda like fighting Ninjas.

Luke Cage: I kinda like the matching outfits. Maybe we should get matching outfits.

Spider-Man: Oh! Can we all dress like Doctor Strange? Then I'm in.

Wolverine: And I'm Out.

Spider-Man: Party Pooper.

Spider-Woman: Don't Say "Pooper".

Wolverine: HAAGGHH!

New Ronin: Yo, Cage. Do they Always Talk this much during a fight?

Luke Cage: Uh, yes actually.

Iron Fist: Yeah, I didn't know there was banter involved. I don't do banter.

Luke Cage: You're doing banter now, Fist.

Iron Fist: No I'm not.

Luke Cage: I didn't say it was good banter.

Luke Cage: Elektra, right? I got a message from Matt Murdock…

[He delivers a violent kick between her legs]

[FOOM]

[The Hand Ninjas, Iron Fist and Spider-Woman all stop to go Bug-Eyed]

Spider-Man: [To Echo] Hi. My name is Luke Skywalker and I'm here to rescue you. (sorry, I always wanted to say that). Come on, all the Cool Avengers are here.

Spider-Man: We're the New New Avengers. Come On...

Issue #29

Spider-Man: Maybe we should go back and fight Brother Voodoo.

[After the New Avengers are tricked by the Mighty Avengers using a Captain America corpse as a ruse]

Iron Man: You're all under arrest for violation of the Superhuman Registration Act. The war is over. The law is the law.

Luke Cage: I think we made it pretty clear, Tony...the war is over when we SAY it's over.

Spider-Man: This was dirty pool, man...I mean, wow.

[The Mighty Avengers try to arrest Danny Rand in his office]

Iron Man: Are you sure you want to have this conversation in front of your Staff?

Iron Fist: Last night I was here. You can check the computer logs with your fancy computer suit.

Spider-Man: Maybe we should just go to Japan.

Luke Cage: [To Elektra] You hurt one of ours. That's business. But the fact of the matter is, you can throw all the swords you want at me, you ain't gonna put a dent in me. And Logan's been split in two by more than one of you, and he's still here. And while all'a that's goin' on, Doc Strange can whip something up - turn you into a bunny. You ain't gonna win this fight, Elektra. Not the best way to start your reign as Queen of the Japanese Underworld. But on the other Hand, no pun intended...you need us. We're criminals now. That's the hand God dealt. You read the papers - that's how it is now. So, criminal to criminal...let's talk.

Issue #30

[The Mighty Avengers stand on a rooftop, looking at the Sanctum Sanctorum]

Iron Man: Brother Voodoo is in there, doing-

Ms. Marvel: That Voodoo that he do.

Iron Man: Carol.

Ms. Marvel: Oh, like you weren't dying to say it.

Iron Man: This is serious.

Ms. Marvel: I know.

[Brother Voodoo finds nothing within the Sanctum]

Iron Man: Thank You.

Brother Voodoo: Hero fighting hero...hero fighting hero. I wonder what the criminals are doing.

Iron Man: [annoyed] Yes, thank you.

[Iron Man, helmetless, visits the seemingly empty Sanctorum, alone]

Iron Man: I know you, Stephen. Luke...Peter...I know you guys. I know you're here. And I know tomorrow you won't be. I...just wanted to say - for the life of me, I can't figure out what you think you're doing. You lost the war. You fought and lost. You should suck it up and join us. You can be heroes again. You can be Avengers again. The only difference is - well, you know what the difference is, so I'm not going to tell you. But I wonder - at this point - what do you think you'll accomplish? What kind of life is this? Are you just rebelling against us because you just don't know what else to do? I really want to know. What do you think the end of this story is? Because if you know an ending better than the one I can think of...please tell me. Please let me in on it.

[He looks at his Helmet questioningly, puts it on, and rockets away]

Spider-Man: How long are we going to live like this? 'Cause, you know, my life sucked before, and even I can't believe how much more this sucks. This is "Fighting a guy named Typeface" level of sucking. And Wong - poor Wong is already sick of us and it hasn't even been a day.

Clint Barton: What're you guys? The New Defenders?

Clint Barton: Saw you on TV, %$#%ing up your whole life, Peter.

Spider-Man: Yeah...I'm thinking of putting the tape up for Emmy consideration.