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National Lampoon's Barely Legal

2003 film by David M. Evans

National Lampoon's Barely Legal (aka After School Special) is a 2003 film comedy about three high school guys who decide to get rich by making porn videos and thus gain social status and women.

Directed by David M. Evans. Screenplay by David H. Steinberg.
They couldn't rent it, so they made it themselves.

Deacon

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  • [Deacon narrates following a non-chronological flashback, in which a porn producer kidnapped him and his friends and physically threatened them]
Now, to understand why I led us down the wrong road, you have to imagine what it's like to be a seventeen year old guy...with only one thing on your mind, all day, every day...and to have absolutely no way of getting it.
[The narration fades into Deacon staring at the very pokey nipples of his large breasted older sexual education teacher]

Mr. Lewis

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  • [Deacon's parents lie in bed watching a porn video, when their own portrait shows up in the background]
Oh my God. Is that our basement?

Biology / Health Teacher

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  • [Fading in to a class trip to the zoo. The class stares down at a dolphin tank. Due to the humidity around the tank, the nipples of the large breasted older teacher are even more noticeably pokey than before]
And that's the history...of the blowhole.

Dialogue

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[The guys helplessly watch girls asking another guy for a ride in his expensive van]
Deacon: That...should be us.
Fred: That's not gonna be us. This year, next year, or any year. Ever.
Deacon: Why not? Think about it. All you gotta do is follow the simple lessons of Tony Montana in Scarface.
Matt: [just arrived in his bicycle] Oh, good movie. [starts imitating Scarface's Tony Montana with Deacon repeating him] First you get the money! Then you get the power! Then you get the women!
Deacon: Word.
Matt: Word.
Fred: So we're gonna become Cuban drug lords?
[After Fred tells the guys he got fired from the video store for sneaking the guys porn videos to duplicate and sell to fellow students]
Fred: See? See, I told you this Scarface plan was stupid.
Deacon: This is great...so now not only do we have no car, no girls, we also got no money!
Matt: And no porn.
Deacon: Shit!
Matt: Tony Montana would be pissed...
[Deacon scares Fred by bursting in his room while Matt and him try in vain to bypass an online censorship software]
Fred: Hey, asshole, don't just come barging in here. We could have been naked!
Matt: Whoa...
Deacon: Shup up and listen to me. I figured out a way to get back on the Tony Montana track. So I'm at the zoo today...
[During a class trip to the zoo]
Biology / Health Teacher: People. People. Witness the miracle of nature at its most primal.
Deacon: [Narrating] And these monkeys are doing it. They're going insane and Ms. Ariel is videotaping it.
Biology / Health Teacher: With one...final thrust...of his engorged penis, the male deposits his seed...and moves on. [puts on a blank expression on her face] Probably to a younger...more desirable female. One who doesn't have any issues. Whatever that means.
Deacon: [Narrating] And that's when it hit me.
Biology / Health Teacher: Incoming!
[Everybody ducks, but a wheelchair bound Roger gets hit by a huge amount of monkey's sperm all over his face and braces]
Deacon: [Narrating] ...Well, Roger, actually.
Roger: A little help?
[Deacon claims making a porn movie would make the guys enough money to worth the risk of getting caught]
Fred: Well, what about the moral implications?
Deacon: It's a free market transaction between two consenting adults. What's the problem?
Fred: Ah, hello? We're not adults...
[After blackmailing his way into the porn film, Jake ends up not being able to perform on cue]
Deacon: Hmm, Ashley, maybe you could help him out.
Jake: Yeah. Wait, what?
Ashley: [Casually] Okay.
[Ashley reaches up with her hand inside Jake's pants to give him a handjob]
Ashley: [after Jake howls twice and then has a premature ejaculation on her hand] Oh! Oh, God.
Matt: Wait, I'm not set up for that shot!
[After Deacon's parents and younger brother spot Ashley topless, she covers her breasts with her hands and Deacon decides to present her as his girlfriend]
Mrs. Lewis: I...I am really sorry, Ashley. I just didn't know he had a girlfriend.
Mr. Lewis: Say, would you like to stay for dinner tonight?
Deacon: Oh, no, no. Ashley has this, this...
Ashley: ...Okay.
Mr. Lewis: Great, I'm Art. [presents his hand for a handshake]
Mrs. Lewis: Oh, stop. [quickly slaps his hand away before Ashley removes her hands from covering her breasts]
[After Deacon's father complains to Ashley about a workmate during dinner]
Ashley: Johnson sounds like a complete moron.
Mr. Lewis: Exacly! [holds her palm tightly with his own palm in excitement]
Mrs. Lewis: Ashley...I have a personal question for you. Exactly how old are you?
Ashley: Oh, well, I'm nineteen. But I, ah, I tell people I'm eighteen, right?
Deacon: [joins his father in laughter] Eighteen...I, it's just...isn't that funny?
[During dinner with Deacon's "girlfriend", suddenly Naomi comes by for a visit]
Mrs. Lewis: [from the dinner table] Deacon? Who is it?
Naomi: [walks in to the dinner table] Hi, Mrs. Lewis, I'm Naomi.
Deacon: Christ...this is Naomi and she's my...my good...
Naomi: ...Girlfriend.
Mrs. Lewis: His...his girlfriend?
Max (K): Deacon has TWO girlfriends?!
Deacon: [whispering] I'm gonna break your arm around, Max.
Naomi: [to Max] What do you mean?
Max (K): Deacon's OTHER girlfriend is having dinner with us. [points at her]
Deacon: Oh, God. I can explain.
Mr. Lewis: [Casually] Naomi, this is Deacon's other girlfriend, Ashley.
Ashley: Hi.
Naomi: Oh my God. How old are you, you slut?
Ashley: Eighteen.
Naomi: [looking at Deacon] I thought you were a nice guy. [leaves Deacon's house]
[After Deacon makes up with the guys in the yard of one of their houses]
Matt: Alright, so now what? Do we make this thing?
Deacon: I don't know. Maybe we should just call it quits.
Ashley: Hey, guys.
Deacon: Oh, Ash, hey. What are you doing here?
Ashley: I need you.
Fred: What?!
Ashley: I need you to make this movie. [Deacon puts on a puzzled expression] For my reel.
Deacon: Well, actually we were just talking about...
Ashley: ...Oh, wow. [suddenly touches Deacon's face] You have an eyelash, Deacon. Make a wish.
Deacon: [gently blows the eyelash from her finger and starts narrating] Testosterone is a drug more powerful than heroin. And girls know it. They use our obsession against us, to get flowers and class rings and commitments. And in Ashley's case, full length adult videos. But come on, if she hadn't come back, we could have stopped. But we were weak. And at that moment, if Ashley would have asked us to jump off a bridge...as I'm sure you can guess...we would have done it. We had to finish the film.
[During a haircut, Roger's hairdresser is convinced he is a professional porn producer]
Hairdresser: Come on. I just wanna...just make one film. You know, just...to see what it's like.
Roger: That's great, but how can I help you?
Hairdresser: Ah...I get it. You do for me, if I do for you. That's how it works. Okay.
[The hairdresser sprays a hand full of hair mousse on her hand and circles Roger. Out of nowhere, and completely igoring the other people in the salon, she gives him a reach-around handjob under his hair apron]
[Roger screams in panic while the hairdressing salon's opera music is played in the background]
[Deacon's parents read the mail after an angry Jake mailed them one of Deacon's porn tapings]
Mrs. Lewis: We just want you to know how deeply disappointed we are in you.
Deacon: I can explain.
Mr. Lewis: You can explain?! Well, explain it to me, son, explain it!
Deacon: Believe me, if you just give me a chance...
Mr. Lewis: How in the hell can you ever explain this?! [presents Deacon's mail sent diploma]
Mrs. Lewis: How did you manage to get a C in biology?
Mr. Lewis: You are a straight A student, boy!
Mrs. Lewis: I knew we shouldn't have let him have a girlfriend.
Mr. Lewis: Let alone two...
[After being kidnapped by the local porn monopoly and forced to quit]
Fred: So I guess we all got what we deserved, ha? No money, no power, no women.
Matt: Tony Montana would be pissed...
Deacon: [Narrating] And even though we kept quiet about the film, word got around. And just like Coop said, we became legends of the school. And Fred finally learned how to talk to a girl.
Wendy: Hey, Fred. I hear you know a thing or two about giving a woman pleasure.
Fred: No, I don't...[everybody looks disappointed] Matt knows a thing or two about giving women pleasure. I know everything...

Cast

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