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Mind Your Language

British sitcom aired between 1977-1986

Mind Your Language (1977-1986) is a British comedy television series set in a school for mature students and focuses on the English as a Second Language class.

Series 1

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The First Lesson [1.1]

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Mr Brown: There will be no throat-slicing in my class! If you want to do that sort of thing, you should have joined the Sports in Pastimes.
Danielle: I come to learn English. Have I come to the right place?

An Inspector Calls [1.2]

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Mr Brown: I was engaged once. Matter of fact, I proposed marriage, but it didn't really work out. There was quite a lot of opposition.
Miss Courtney: Her father?
Mr Brown: No, her husband. I didn't realise she was married at the time.

A Fate Worse Than Death [1.3]

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Ranjeet: Excuse me, missy. This lady, is she resembling an elephant?
Miss Courtney: I wouldn't exactly put it like that, but she is rather large.
Ranjeet: Blimey, it is Surinder!
Gladys: I thought you and Surinder made a lovely couple.
Mr Brown: With all due respect, she was a couple on her own.

All Through the Night [1.4]

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Mr Brown: (holds up lime juice) Giovanni?
Giovanni: Lime juice.
Mr Brown: (holds up milk) Juan?
Juan: Cow juice.
Mr Brown: Milk.
Miss Courtney: Do you know where we get milk from, Juan?
Juan: Si, señora... the milkman!
Max: Danielle should wave from window all by herself.
Mr Brown: She still may not be sufficient to attract enough attention.
Max: It would if she took her clothes off!

The Best Things in Life [1.5]

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Ali: You are changing your tune! When you are thinking that I am very wealthy, you are being my bloody brother.
Ranjeet: That is before I'm finding out you are bloody stupid!
Ali: Don't you call me bloody stupid, you bearded baboon!
Mr Brown: Quiet the pair of you and sit down. (to Ali) I presume you're staying now, Ali.
Ali: I'm staying now, yes.

Come Back All is Forgiven [1.6]

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Mr Brown: Well, how would you pronounce "F-I-T"?
Ranjeet: Fit!
Juan: Si señor, one right fit, one left fit!
Mr Brown: No, Juan!

The Cheating Game [1.7]

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Ali: I want to hear you say: "All Muslims are nice, kind and most wonderful persons".
Ranjeet: If I am saying that, you'll be lending me 10p?
Ali: If you are saying that, I will be giving you 10p.
Ranjeet: Very well. All Muslims are nice, kind and wonderful persons.
Ali: Jolly good. (hands him the 10p)
Ranjeet: There's only one thing: all Sikhs are very big liars!
Mr Brown: Where are you going?
Giovanni: We go to spend 2p.
Mr Brown: The phrase is "spend a penny".
Giovanni: Sure. I spend a penny, he spend a penny; we spend 2p.

Better to Have Loved and Lost [1.8]

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Ranjeet: Please, I am having a very funny thought. He is Pakistani, she is Chinese. If they have a baby, it will be Pakinese!
Ali: How dare you! I'm teaching you not to be insulting! You ignorant son of a bearded poof!
Ranjeet: Come on! You brainless offspring of a camel!

Kill or Cure [1.9]

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Hello, Sailor [1.10]

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Mr Brown: Ali, I?
Ali: You are what?
Mr Brown: A word beginning with the letter I
Ali: Infidel
Ranjeet: Are you meaning me?
Ali: Yes, please
Mr Brown (to Ranjeet): Sit down! Ranjeet, J
Ranjeet: Jackass
Ali: Are you meaning me?
Ranjeet: Most definitely!
Ali: I knock your damn turban off you monkey face!
Giovanni: Max, what's the opposite to "bitter"?
Max: Lotta
Giovanni: That's not right
Max: Sure it is! Opposite of bitter money is lotta money
Mr Brown: Juan, does Boris speak any English?
Juan: I teach him a little
Mr Brown: Well, good. Why do you wish to leave Russia?
Boris: Por favore?
Mr Brown: I see you speak English as well as Juan does
Mr Brown: Think of a word that describes you.
Ali: Stupid
Ranjeet: Don't you call me stupid, you half-witted Pakistani popadom!
Ali: Don't you call me Pakistani popadom you brown chapati!

A Point of Honour [1.11]

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How's Your Father? [1.12]

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Ranjeet: And then came the Muslims!
Ali: Don't you call me ape you son of a cross-eyed goat!
Mr Brown: Quiet the pair of you! If I have any more trouble, you both stay behind for extra study.

The Examination [1.13]

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Ranjeet: I'm winning the jackpot!
Ali: That is my winnings!
Ranjeet: How can they be your winnings? I am putting the money, 10p in.
Ali: There is your 10p.
Ranjeet: Take your dirty hands off my money!
Ali: That is my money, you bearded bandit!

Series 2

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All Present if not Correct [2.1]

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Jamila: I sit at backside with Tarō.
Mr Brown: No, Jamila. You will sit at the back. Backside is what you sit on.
Jamila: (chuckles) Oh, no, master-jī. What I sit on is chair!
Ingrid: Swedish girl are the beautifullest.
Danielle: (rolls eyes) Trouble with Swedish girl: they are too big in ze bosom.
Ingrid: French woman too big in the mouth.

Queen for a Day [2.2]

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Miss Courtney: Sidney, go and sweep the school yard!
Sid: I swept it up once.
Miss Courtney: Well, sweep it again!
Sid: You wouldn't like me to go down on me 'ands and knees and scrub it, would ya?
Miss Courtney: Don't be ridiculous! It wouldn't dry before they arrived!
Mr Brown: Shall I ask Gladys to make up a couple of ham rolls, in case they feel a bit peckish?
Miss Courtney: Ham rolls?! You can't give royalty ham rolls! This is a very special occasion! Tell her to open a tin of salmon.

Don't Forget the Driver [2.5]

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Mr Brown: (points to the window) What is that?
Zoltán: Door.
Mr Brown: Window. (then points to the door)
Zoltán: Ah, door!
Mr Brown: Good.
Enter Miss Courtney
Zoltán: Crumpet!

A Hard Day's Night [2.6]

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Miss Courtney: If someone were to stop you in the street and ask you the time, what would you say?
Jamila looks at her watch and replies in Punjabi
Miss Courtney: That wouldn't help them.
Jamila: Oh, yes. In my street, it's all Indian peoples.

Series 3

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I Belong to Glasgow [3.1]

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Mr Brown: Mr MacGregor is from Scotland, which is part of Great Britain. Great Britain is comprised of England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales.
Juan: No.
Mr Brown: What do you mean, "no"?
Juan: No whales in England. Whales in the sea!

Who Loves Ya Baby? [3.2]

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Giovanni: (admiring Danielle) Holy ravioli! For what I'm thinking now, I could be excommunicated.
Juan: I was excommunicated five minutes ago!

No Flowers By Request [3.3]

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Mr Brown: Where does the term "Gladstone bag" come from?
Max: Mrs Gladstone.

Just the Job [3.4]

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Mr Wilkins: (to Danielle) Explain the meaning of the phrase "to bury the hatchet".
Danielle: To chop someone's 'ead off.
Mr Wilkins: You. (points to Giovanni) Complete the following proverb: "People who live in glass houses..."
Giovanni: "...should get undressed in the dark."

What a Tangled Web [3.8]

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Mr Brown: Giovanni, the correct word to describe a relative by marriage is "in-law", as in "brother-in-law", and not, as you put, "outlaw".
Giovanni: It's the same thing.
Mr Brown: It is not the same thing. An outlaw is a bandit.
Giovanni: So's my brother-in-law!
Miss Courtney: Oh, you're wearing a black tie, Sidney.
Sid: Yeah, I'm in mourning. 28 years to the day it happened.
Miss Courtney: Oh dear. The death of a loved one?
Sid: Nah, I got married.
Miss Courtney: You're a real male chauvinist pig.
Sid: Pardon?
Miss Courtney: Pig.
Sid: Oh, you've met the wife, have you?

Cast

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