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Metalocalypse (season 3)

season of television series

The following is a list of quotes from the third season Metalocalypse.

RenovationKlok (3.1)

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Damian: Look at this long haired monkey! [referring to Nathan Explosion] What kind of music do you play?
Nathan Explosion: Death Metal! [punches Damian]
Nathan Explosion (young): [after punching Damian during a meeting] Sorry....uh...again.
Charles Ofdensen: Mm-hmm. What do I tell you guys before every meeting?
Nathan Explosion: Try not to punch people.
Charles Ofdensen: Try not to punch people. That's correct.
Nathan Explosion: Shut up with the fucking construction, man! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT HUNG OVER PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP?! [gets up] How can people grow up listening to all that racket? [turns on some Black Metal; he looks somewhat annoyed] There that's better.
Fan: My friends are never gonna believe me! [that he met Nathan Explosion and snuck into Mordhaus] See you guys later! [opens the door with three other girls and they all fall to their death]
Murderface: We are not hiring a replacement manager, it's too fucking soon kemosabe. We're taking on all management uhh... things.
Skwisgaar: I ams in charge of finance-skial treasuries.
Pickles: And I'm head of financial business affairs.
Nathan: I'm chief of financial receipts... gathering.
Murderface: I'm deputy president of financial money.
Toki: [dejectedly] And I'ms in charge of snacks... Fucking bullshit!
Nathan: Welcome to Dethklok's Dorito Land! [two people get electrocuted trying to enter] And I'd like to remind you all that Dorito Land is not open to the public....it's just for us. Sorry.

[dramatic music]

Toki Wartooth: [holding a black and white photo of Charles Ofdensen] I misses him Pickle...
Pickles: We all do, Toki, even though we don't say it.
Toki: Why don'ts we says it, Pickle?
Pickles: Toki...[sighs] Because admitting sadness... [holds a little locket photo of Ofdensen]....makes you gay.
Nathan Explosion: All right, check this out, it's scream-activated lighting. [screams, and concert lights turn on to a double-bass pedal beat]
Text: MONEY SPENT ON DETHKLOK INTERIOR DESIGN. SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING- $12 MILLION
Nathan: See? You come home, it's dark. Where are my keys? [screams, and lights up the keys on a desk] Over there. [to scientists] Put them in every single room in the house!
Text: SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING: IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE- $89.9 BILLION
Scientist: I'm afraid that's going to cost an aweful lot of money, I'm just telling you.
Nathan: FUCK money!
Band: Yeah, FUCK money.

[scene change]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: This is my platinum practice chambers.
Text: PLATINUM PRACTICE CHAMBER- $6.5 BILLION
Skwisgaar: I haves a solid rubys metronomes.
Text: SOLID RUBY METRONOME- $8.3 BILLION
Skwisgaar: And a champagne humidifier.
Text: CHAMPAGNE HUMIDIFIER- $2 MILLION
Skwisgaar: So fucking expensive that it makes me horny.

[scene change]

Pickles: This is my Endangered Species Furniture Room!
Text: ENDANGERED SPECIES FURNITURE ROOM- $28 MILLION

[Pickles grabs a bottle of beer and opens it with a claw of an eagle]

Text: CALIFORNIA CONDOR BOTTLE OPENER- $5 MILLION - GOLD PLATED MEERKAT SHELF HOLDER- $30 MILLION - GIANT PANDA THROW RUGS- $2 BILLION - GIANT TORTOISE OTTOMAN- $1.5 MILLION - SILVER GAZELLE WALL SCONCE- $4 MILLION - HELTER STORK TIFFANY LAMP- $6 MILLION
Pickles: Seriously guys, fuck money!
Text: TOTAL EXPENDITURES $106,788,500,000

[The power shuts off at Mordhaus]

Skwisgaar: Uh, Williams, did yous pay the electrics bill?
Murderface: Oh, what am I gonna pay it with, my farts?
Nathan: Guys I've been crunching numbers and financially... I don't know how to say this but we're fucked. Thanks to Murderface's sandscape, we're in the red. Good one Murderface.
Murderface: [stares and says nothing]
Murderface: The uh- the construction has stopped.
Toki: That's because they don't gets paid, stupid!

Tributeklok (3.2)

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Charles: All right, guys, this is costing us several million dollars to destroy this report. Now, I want you to know that, William. A lot of stuff that you don't know about goes into silencing the media. First off we need to make agreements with all participants to evict information from the record. This of course includes rounding up all participants. And of course if there are any problems, we'll have to deal with them.
Angry fan: You can take this waiver and shove it up your ass!
Klokateer 1: Let it be noted that the participant is belligerent.
Klokateer 2: Noted. Participant slated for mental reprogramming, (Angry fan screams as he is strapped to surgery table) facial reconstructive surgery, (A scalpel is brought to his face) and relocation. (The fan is tossed out a garbage truck into the middle of a desert road with a new face)
Charles (VO): Well, you guys don't need to know everything that goes into it. Just know that it's a long, complicated and expensive process.
Angry fan: THIS ISN'T MY FACE!!!!
Charles: This happens every time you, William, have a media disaster. Which is often.
Nathan: You're in a tribute band paying tribute to yourself? That's like jacking off to a picture of yourself online!
Murderface: Which I've done.
Toki: Of course I'm nots paying tributes to myself. In Thunderhorse, I'm Skwisgaar.
Skwisgaar: Dat's why my pants and shirts keeps disappearing! Dat's fucking weird dudes.
Toki: Well we're really good, we plays every Thursday nights.
[pause]
Murderface: Wait a minute...
Nathan: Thursday night? That's impossible, you have astronaut class on Thursday night.
Murderface: Astronaut class is a lie?! I've been telling everyone that you're gonna be an astronaut! Now you're making me look like an asshole!
Nathan: Wow, what a shit-hole. Look at that stage, it's fucking tiny!
Pickles: Oh wait, no dude, it's just an optical illusion. It just looks small because it's really far away. Check it out, I'll walk all the way over to it. [walks right into the stage] Holy shit! That's tiny!!
Jimmy Palomino: It's my pleasure to welcome to the stage Norman Blowup, Pockles the Drummer, Toolkie Wolfpaint, Billy Butterface, and Skwisgaar Skwigelf!
Skwisgaar: Didn'ts even change my names?!
Nathan: Toki, you gotta let us into your band!
Skwisgaar: I agrees! I thinks it is just what we needs!
Toki: But we already gots a you. Me!
Skwisgaar: Well fines then. I'll be you! A much betters you!
Pickles: No it'll be perfect! We'll be regular jack-offs! No one will even know it's us if we're in our own tribute group!
Toki: You all wants to join Thunderhorse?
Nathan: Yes! We do! We're gonna take a break from that fucking disgusting asshole rich life. And what better way to do that than by joining a tribute band of the greatest band in the world? Dethklok!

[after receiving beer tickets as a result of a good gig; the band doesn't know how to use them]

Murderface: You do it, I'm not doing it.
Pickles: I'll do it, I don't care.
Nathan: Yeah you do it Pickles, go, see...
Murderface: See what happens.
Nathan: Yeah, see what happens. See what happens.
Murderface: See if you gotta wait for a little...
Nathan: Go. Go go go go go.

[Pickles goes to the bar]

Pickles: I have a beer ticket for one beer please.

[bartender gives him a beer]

Nathan: What- what is he doing?

[Pickles rejoins the group]

Murderface: What happened?
Pickles: [in complete awe] Guys....it's a beer!
Skwisgaar: You means dat dats things dat he gaves you ams likes littles moneys whats ams onlys for beers?
Pickles: [enraged] How come Dethklok never got beer tickets before?!
Murderface: Yeah, what the hell?
Nathan: All right, listen. This is bullshit. All we ever get is all the booze we can ever drink! We never get beer tickets!

[Dethklok is trying to make fliers for a Thunderhorse gig]

Clerk: Next. [Dethklok approaches] Oh, look at you guys, you're a baaand huh? That's REAL exciting! Making fliers huh, so you can get BIG and famous!
Nathan: [really tired] Uhhh...yeah, you know, we'd like to make some fliers.
Clerk: And what's your band called?
Pickles: [really tired] Uhh we're called, uh, Thun-
Clerk: [mocking] I NEVER HEARD OF THEM! SURPRISE!
Toki: [dressed as Skwisgaar] That's whys we am gettings fliers so peoples whats knows what who we are.
Clerk: And you're gonna be a big Rock 'N Roll star huh? Wowwweeeee. Another baaand!
Nathan: If I wasn't so lethargic from hunger, I'd uh....kick your ass and make copies of it here...copy... [stomach growls loudly] That's my stomach...making that sound...
Nathan: You know, uh, guys? It's hard to say this but... I've had my fucking fill of getting back to our roots... And that's because it fucking sucks.
Pickles: I am so glad you said that. I mean the reason we're in Dethklok is because we all paid our dues already!
Toki: I didn'ts.....
Skwisgaar: I says we gets the fuck out of here.
Pickles: But dude we still have to do that benefit. We promised those guys we'd do it!
Nathan: Thunderhorse promised, not Dethklok. Dethklok's getting the fuck out of here, getting some fucking food!

Dethhealth (3.3)

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Charles: Guys, you aren't going to die, you'll be fine-
Nathan: Stop saying die, use a different word.
Murderface: Use a different phrase like-
Nathan: Something like, uh, something that's good instead of death, like-
Muderface: Hamburger Time.
[pause]
Nathan: Hamburger Time, perfect. Say Hamburger Time.
Toki: Hamboigers Time.
Nathan: Use Hamburger Time, alright?
[pause]
Charles: Well as long as you guys are all worried about, uh... Hamburger Time, uh, maybe it would help a little bit if you guys all went to the doctor. Got a checkup.
[the band grumbles against this]
Murderface: Look, my uncle had a big huge thing growing on his neck, and fine. Then he goes to the doctor: cancer. Bing Bang Boom! Hair out, Hamburger Time.
Nathan: I just don't want some guy with no reason to live fuck with my mouth, you know what I mean?
Toki: Why can'ts it be a ladies boobs whats cleans your teeth?
[pause, then Murderface and Nathan start chuckling]
Murderface: You know, usually...
Nathan: Usually you have really bad ideas, but that-
Murderface: That's a billion-dollar idea.
Nathan: Cleaning your teeth with tits!
Pickles: Dudes, we party too hard, so our bodies are in terrible shape. We gotta trick the doctor by making it seem like we're in really good shape. And there's only one way to do that. Bleach. [holds up a jug of bleach] Here, drink this Murderface. [hands it to Murderface]
Skwisgaar: Uhh, maybe this ams a stupid question, buts, why don'ts we just pours bleach into our cups of...urines?
Pickles: [looking angry at the suggestion] No! Drink the bleach!
Nathan: Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water. And we are mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
Murderface Guys, I gotta direct this all back to me for a second, Okay?. Look... A doctor jacked me off in his face, and the more I think about it, the less okay I am with it. You know what i'm saying?
Charles: All right guys, uh, we just got some test results back from the lab and, uh, Pickles you're not dying.
Pickles: [drunk and high] Oohh, I'm nat dyiiing?
Charles: There's something wrong with your urine, what happened?
Pickles: Ohh! I switched my pee with Murderface!
Murderface: That's not my pee, I switched with Skwisgaar.
Skwisgaar: Well it's not me, I switched mines with Nathan's.
Nathan: Well it's not me, I switched mine with Toki.
Toki: I switched my pee with my cat's pee and he's right- [the cat is dead] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S DEAD! OH NOOOO! That cat was the bestest friends I ever hads! [faints]
[Nathan and his dentist are hunting]
Nathan Explosion: Hey man I gotta tell ya. One of the coolest hunting trips I've ever been on.
Dentist: I'm really glad we've become pals, Mr. Explosion. Check this out. [sticks his rifle in his mouth and kills himself]

Dethmas (3.4)

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Toki: WHAT YOU MEAN WE CAN'TS DO SECRETS SANTAS?!
Nathan: Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?
Skwisgaar: We don'ts thinks it ams Metal to bes nice to each others.
Toki: AND I FUCKING DO!
Pickles: Toki, why don't you drop it? You're just driving us fucking crazy.
Toki: I ain'ts listens to yous no more! I'm going shoppings. Yes! Shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gifts. And I wants to see the looks on all your fat fucking faces, when I gets you great presents! Ha ha! Fucks you! [leaves]
Nathan: I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.

[Nathan, Skwisgaar and Pickles are looking at a Christmas tree in the Rec Room]

Skwisgaar: Fuck Tokis. Christmas trees. This amn't brutal.
Nathan: Well, you know what? It's growing on me. It's like having a rotting corpse in your house, but the corpse of a tree, you know? It's kind of baddass. It stands and then you humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it, like "Fuck you."
Pickles: Y'know, when you say it like that it makes sense, but still... it-it still sucks, y'know?
Klokateer: Shall I burn it, my lords?
Nathan: No, leave it. Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it or whatever, you know. It'll be bearable, I guess.
(Dethklok's mothers are busy decorating the Mordhaus Rec Room. Sveltana Skwigelf is bent over, wrapping a present, as Murderface leers at her buttocks lecherously. Skwisgaar is drinking a bottle of vodka, looking rather irritated)
Nathan: Hey Skwisgaar, Murderface is eyeing up your mom like a fucking piece of meat.
Skwisgaar: (sourly) Yes. I am noticings this. Thats is whys I am drinking.
Toki: [enters meeting room] Whats I miss?
Murderface: TOKI! Why do you smell like piss and cocaine?
Toki: Oh that's not me.
Dr. Rockso: Oh k-k-k-k-k-k-k-Hanukkah! A-k-k-k-k-hello!

[Toki enters the bathroom]

Toki: Dr. Rockso?
Dr. Rockso: [sitting by a full bathtub, going through withdrawals] Oh, Dr. Rockso not feelin' so good... Oh, give me some Christmas spirit in here!
Toki: [kneels by Rockso] For the records, Dr. Rockso I can'ts gets you drugs, thats would be enables you... But I loves you, even though you ams powerless.
Dr. Rockso: [hugs Toki] R-R-Rockso l-loves you too, baby. [shoves Toki's head under the water] NOW YOU GET ME THOSE FUCKING DRUGS!! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME?! I'll fuckin- [faints]

[Dethklok and their mothers is trying to find a place to park in a mall parking lot]

Molly: You just missed another spot.
Rose: How many times are you going to pass that spot?!
Nathan: [driving] Where? Which one?
Rose: Back there! For God's sake! [Nathan backs up]
Nathan: I can't see with all these people in here! [another car takes the spot referred to]
Stella: Too late! You blew it!
Molly: Fantastic! [Nathan drives some more around the parking lot]
Murderface: Ahh, Grandma, he's just trying to drive! Leave him alone and back off!
Molly: We don't speak to our grandmothers that way! Take this! [slaps Murderface]
Murderface: OWWW!
Pickles: Mom! Don't smack Murderface! [gets slapped] Ow!
Rose: Quick! TUrn!

[Nathan hits another car]

[Occupant of Other Car] What the hell? You hit my car!
Nathan: Hey! I have four mothers telling me how to drive! What's your excuse, asshole?!
Stella: Tell him you're sorry.
Nathan: I'm sorry!

[short pause]

Nathan: Are you leaving?
Dr. Rockso: [to a drug dealer] COme one man, hurry up. I got something to do. Guess what? Cocaine!

[at a park]

Dr. Rockso: [walking with joy] Yoo-hoo! You know what I do, baby! And I'm doing it! Snorting cocaine! [to a Hot Dog stand salesman] Hey, Johnny hot dog! Guess what I do! COCAINE! He didn't even answer. [to a shoe-shining man] Hey, shoe-shine boy! [takes out his bag of cocaine] Wanna check me out with some of this here, cocaine! [to a large rodent] Hey Mr. zoo animal! Check this out! [holds up his bag of cocaine] Cocaine! [to a little boy holding a red balloon] Hey little boy with the b-b-b-b-balloon! Check this out! [whispers] Cocaine! Don't tell nobody! [to a Police Officer near the boy] Hey Mr. Police- Uh-oh!! [hides the cocaine bag behind his back]

[Knubbler and Murderface are acting as wisemen presenting gifts to Jesus in a Nativity Scene]

Knubbler: I bring some wonderful frankincense.
Murderface: Great. That's what I got him!
Knubbler: How do you like that? We both got him the same thing.
Murderface: Ohhh Lord!
Knubbler: Hey! That's blasphemy!

[studio laughter]

Murderface: No, I mean 'Oh, Lord! Right there!' A miracle has been bestowed upon us this day!

[studio awes, flatulence is heard]

Knubbler: I think he may have bestowed something into his diapers.

[studio laughter]

Knubbler: The king has truly blessed us.

[studio awes; more flatulence]

Murderface: Maybe he can stop blessing us, something's starting to smell bad.

[studio laughter]

[Murderface and Knubbler are sitting on the couch in a skit]
Knubbler: Looks like another wonderful, but lonely Christmas Eve with just you and me, right old pal?
Murderface: Yup. Looks like the two of us, again.
[doorbell rings]
Knubbler: Oh I guess you know what that sound means...
Murderface: Oh, the Christmas goose is finished getting microwaved?
[studio laughter]
knubbler: Noooo. It means we have some guests!
[door opens and Dethklok's mothers enter the scene very drunk d espite Dethklok locking all the booze away.]
Stella: Well hellooooo....
Knubbler: It's Dethklok's mothers!
Murderface: [aggravated] And they've been drinking! Yeah, uh take your time staggering in. Like this ain't live TV or anything.
Knubbler: Yes, who would have thought that Dethklok would have mothers? Ha ha...yes...
[doorbell rings]
Murderface: I'll get it! Wouldn't it be great if it was more friendly guests?
opens the door to see Nathan Explosion, who punches Murderface in his face]
Nathan: Why didn't you tell me that this thing was being sponsored by religion? That's not fucking cool dude. [enters]
[Murderface laughs nervously]
Knubbler: Hey watch the F-bombs all right? This...was written, this was written...
[doorbell rings; Dr. Rockso enters]
Dr. Rockso: Oh-k-k-k-k-k-Rockso! Made his way onto the lot with the Christmas party baby!
Toki: [enraged] Oh Rockso, you fucking piece of shits! You stole the Christmas presents! I FUCKING KILLS YOU ROCKSO!!!
Stella: Out of my way, here it comes! [crashes her Rascal into a big wooden cross, crushing both her and Toki]
Toki: AAAAAH!! OW, MY LEG!!! AAAH! TOKI'S LEG!!! [screams and babbles in agony]
Pickles: Dude, we need a doctor over here!
Stella: Heeeelp! Heeeelp!
Pickles: Dude, we need a fucking doctor over here!
Nathan: Murderface, I think you grandma's, like, hurt or something, you should help her.
Murderface: Can't you just let me enjoy this moment?
Dr. Rockso: Hey, Swisgaar, check it out! I'm getting a handj-j-job from your m-m-m-mom!
Skwisgaar: Moms, nooo! [plays his guitar quickly as a way to cope]
Dr. Rockso: Oh, she's got that Swedish grip, too! Just like you play that guitar. Ohhh, fiddly widdly widdly oooh...
Murderface: What the FUCK?! THAT'S MY GIRL!!
Dr. Rockso: Ah, is someone having a bad Christmas?
Murderface: YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!

FatherKlok (3.5)

edit
Charles: So, uh, I think we should,uh, be a little sensitive towards Skwisgaar, he's going through a lot, you know, uh... He's started searching for his biological father so... maybe we should show a little bit of affection towards him.
Toki: Ha ha! That's-that's gays...
Nathan: Oh man, don't say "showing affection" and expect us to fucking react.
Charles: Okay, well guys listen, I mean think about it. Skwisgaar never had a father, alright?
Toki: So? My dads just died!
[flashback to the traumatic death of Toki's father under the ice]
[present]
Toki: .... [smiles] And I'm totally cools with it!
Charles: Guys, I'm saying he never even had-
Muderface: My father's dead and I'm totally fine!
[flashback to baby Murderface witnessing his father's murder/suicide]
[present]
Murderface: .... I love that my dad's dead.
Pickles: Look, I got no relationship with my dad, other than I hate him, y'know?
[flashback to teenage Pickles ready to run away, his father looking at him hatefully]
Calvert: Get out of here, you belong in a garbage can!
[Pickles glares and looks ready to cry]
[present]
Pickles: Y'know I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name. And I'm proud, I'm proud to know that I don't know that.
Charles: All right, I get it, fine, you're all without fathers, all right-
Nathan: I'm not... [smiles] I fucking love my dad.
[Flashback to Nathan and his father going fishing, racing go-carts, and playing Scrabble, enjoying each others company.]
Nathan: My dad's fucking awesome.
Toki: I don't wants to sounds insensitives, but I means, if Skwisgaar doesn't gets his craps togethers I may really has a shots at beings the leads guitarist! Mes, Tokis! Finallys ams no mores in the shadows! What do you thinks about that, Pickle?
Pickles: Toki, don't you think it's a little early to start jumping to conclusions?
Toki: .... [angrily] Jumps to conclusions?! Whats the fucks is thats supposed to means, huh?!
Pickles: Nothing, nothing-
[Toki grabs Pickles by the shirt and shakes him]
Toki: You listens to me, when I's becomes lead guitarists things whats has gots to change arounds here!
Pickles: Fine, fine! Just let go of me, you're squeezing my nipples off!
Toki: I'm sorry!
Pickles: Don't get physical with people!
[Skwisgaar is in his bed with two young and one old lady. A Klokateer enters]
Skwisgaar: Any news on my fathers?
Klokateer: I'm sorry my lord, but none of the DNA tests match.
Skwisgaar: Ugh...
Klokateer: All those thousands of men managed to ejaculate into your mother without being your father. He must still be out there, but he hasn't come forward. All those men... All that ejaculate-
Skwisgaar: [grossed out] Yes, thank you, I understands! Just... please leaves me be.
Old Lady: Hey, what about us? When will we be satisfied?
Skwisgaar: I never thought I would say this, but... I'm nots in the mood.

FertilityKlok (3.6)

edit
Comedian: And William Murderface! What's it like spending a day with actual musicians? [Murderface says nothing, while everyone around him laughs] All those years and nothing's rubbed off?
Nathan: [laughing hard] Yeah!
Comedian: Seriously folks, what do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp!

[Murderface loks annoyed and insulted at the same time]

Comedian: And Skwisgaar Skwigelf! You fuck more woman than breast cancer! [more laughs] I'm kidding of course, but back to Murderface. After selling krillions of records, its refreshing to see, that women still won't fuck you! [more laughs, William just looks on] Skinky crack whores who need the money are like, "no thanks."
Murderface: [softly] That's not true.
Toki: Guys I'm nervous. I don'ts even knows how to go abouts this findings a lady business.
Nathan: Oh Toki, that is cute. That's precious.
Pickles: You need some datin' advice from your pals.
Toki: Oh thats would be very helpful Pickle.
Pickles: Okay, well, heres what you do to meet a lady, alright? You get your tour manager to find you some chick and when he brings her backstage you pull out your dick!
Skwisgaar: Ja, you pulls out your dicks!
Toki: Pulls out your-? Guys, I'm talkings abouts real dates here.
Pickles: How is that not a real date?
Nathan: Yeah, how is that not a real date Toki?
Toki: A date's wheres you actually talks to a girl, and she says stuffs, and you asks her questions, and she talks back-
Skwisgaar: Questions, waits a minute, questions?! You means like whens we're in courts questions?
eLadyMates Consultant: Mr. Wartooth, our company is very serious about finding their clients a life-ladymate partner.
Toki: Life-ladymates partner.
Consultant: Yes. We're confident that our matching system is so solid that we give a 100% guarantee.
Toki: Well, that ams some impressive numbers, buts I'm lookings not onlys for a friends but also a companions and the mothers to my childrens.
Consultant: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.
Toki: ....That's it?
Consultant: Yes, sir.
Toki: Huh.
Consultant: We can pinpoint your future ladymate partner's fertility to the second.
Murderface: Not to brag, but I can pinpoint my fertility, too. All I need is some lotion and a little DSL-quality internet and some napkins. [Toki looks mortified and the consultant shocked] I'm kidding, of course! Keep going.
Toki: I tolds you you could comes in if you didn'ts ruins my meeting.
Murderface: I think I'm enhancing the meeting. [Toki covers his eyes with his hand in embarrassment] Look, sir, I just want to meet like a hundred girls and fuck the bajeesus out of them. So, uh, can we set up an account here or something?
Consultant: We don't do that here. This is for lifemates.
Murderface: Damn! This is not gonna be easy.
Toki: Just waits in the fucking lobby!
Murderface: Sorry! Gaaaah! [to consultant] You better find this guy some pussy because he is really-
Toki: WILL YOU FUCKINGS GETS OUT OF HERE?!?!

[Toki finishes his date with his horribly ugly lifemate]

Caroline: Great date. Oh, here's my fertility chart.
Toki: Oh, it's a-... Really?
Caroline: The 15th. You'll have to keep it open.
Toki: The 15ths?
Caroline: Oh, that's when we'll have intercourse.
Toki: Inst-instecourse? I means we just barelys mets.
Caroline: I like the name Wilthmore or Donnington.
Toki: For whats?
Caroline: For our baby. I've gotta go. Looking forward to our long, long future together lifemate.
Toki: ...Oh...
Caroline: Don't forget to keep the 15th open so you can deposit your sperm into my vagina with your penis.
Toki: ....... Okay.....
Facebones: Hey folks, it's me. Facebones!
Klokateer: All right! Facebones! [another Klokateer shocks him]
Facebones: I'm here to talk about a very serious issue! Sexual harassment in the workplace! But first, what is sexual harassment? Well, sexual harassment is the act of degrading people, with your sexuality. It takes the power away from the people being harassed, and makes the harasser, more powerful than ever!
Murderface: I got fucking peppersprayed. How-how does that give me power?
Facebones: Compliments in the workplace can easily become as construtant as flirtation. Now, a short example. In this example, a Klokateer will be equipped with a shocking mechanism, that will help guide him into behaving properly at work!

[example starts]

Male Klokateer: Is that a new belt?
Female Klokateer: Yes, it is.
Male Klokateer: It looks very good. [gets shocked] AHHH!!!
Facebones: Saying that your belt looks good can be taken as a sexual offense. Let's try that again!

[example starts]

Male Klokateer: Is that a new belt?
Female Klokateer: Yes.
Male Klokateer: That is good information to have. [red light goes off with an alarm]
Facebones: Saying something like, "that is good information to have" could be kind of creepy. And they could think that he's compiling information for a parking lot attack, or a home invasion. And thaaat's harassment!

[Male klokateer gets shocked again]

Male Klokateer: AHHHHHHHH, FUUUUCK!
Facebones: Cursing in the workplace can also make people feel awkward. Now let's try that again.

[example starts]

Male Klokateer: Is that a new belt?
Female Klokateer: Yes, it is.
Male Klokateer: [gets shocked right away] AHHHHHHH!
Facebones: Best to avoid all those compliments and continue working! Now let's watch that again without all those confusing compliments!

[example starts] [Male Klokateer, who looks badly beat from all the shocking walks on by with his head down past the female klokateer]

Facebones: Well done! But what if our klokateer didn't want to make any complimants, but instead, a fun joke?

[bright letters flash]

Voice: NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE! NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE!
Facebones: Humor is hurtful and can ruin lives. We're almost done folks. We're rounding the corner to finish our sexual harassment fun marathon! And also practical information! Do not linger around in restrooms. Keep your office door open so the people can see that you're clearly not jacking off in there. If you get a boner during work, best excuse yourself and go home! Here's a list of t hings to remember to avoid being caught in a tricky sexual harassment lawsuit. HERE WE GO! [speaking fast] Err on the side of caution do not tell people they look good do not compare people to each other dress conservatively do not make fun of people resist the urge to be friendly this could be taken as flirting if you do happen to accidentally flirt do not make up for it by being overly friendly this could be taken as an aggressive attack.
Murderface: [annoyed] WILL THIS THING NEVER END?!?!
Nathan: So this girl wants to get it on with you?
Toki: Yeahs, the 15ths.
Nathan: Why is that important?
Toki: That's when she says she ams ovulatings and that's the chances are highs for whats to be pregnants.
Pickles: So she wants to have planned sex with you.
Nathan: Sex designed to procreate? Ugh! Fucking gross.
Pickles: You can't tell me when to have a boner! That's my business!
Toki: And you knows what else? [brings up Caroline's photo on his Dethphone] This is what she looks like!
Nathan: Ohhh boy...
Toki: She looks like a gorilla whats been shaved!!!
Pickles: Yeah, well, your in the hot seat. Look, you want some advice, I got some for you, alright? When the 15th comes, you just gotta listen. Alright?
Toki: Listens?
Pickles: You need listen to your dick Toki. Your dick will tell you exactly what you need to do, alright? Listen to your dick.
Nathan: Yeah, listen to your dick.
Toki: Listens to my dick!
Nathan: And also, don't ever get into a room that you can't get out of.

Dethsiduals (3.7)

edit

[Toki and Murderface start their own recording industry]

Murderface: Congratulations, you can now call your parents and safely say you are now Murdertooth recording artists, Get Thee Hence!
Get Thee Hence Band: Yeaaah! [start celebrating]
Lead Singer: So where's our advance, son?
Murderface: Uhh I'm sorry I don't even know what you're talking about.
Bass Player: Where's our fucking advance, you heard us.
Murderface: Oh oh oh the advance! Oh you mean advance money!
Lead singer: Wait wait wait. Hold up hold up hold up. Are you sure you're even a fucking label?
Toki: Kinds of.
Murderface: [shoves Toki away] Toki shut up! We're the fucking real deal, bros. But look. Shouldn't we get a contract in place or something?
DJ: You guys hear that fucking back peddling bullshit fucking suits.
Murderface: What? No, man! We're not suits! We're your bros. Toki, get my checkbook. [gets checkbook] Sooo, what uhh like five thousand?
Bass Player: What do I look like, a fucking hooker?
Murderface: Fifteen.
Lead Singer: Keep coming.
Murderface: Thirty.
Lead Singer: Uh uh.
Murderface: [growing nervous] Forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, hundred, hundred-ten [faster] hundred-twenty, hundred thirty, hundred forty-hundred fifty, hundred sixty, hundred seventy, hundred eighty, hundred ninety, two hundred! Two-ten, two-twenty, two-thirty, two-forty, two-fifty, two-sixty, two-seventy, two-eighty, two-ninety, three hundred! Five...hundred thousand dollars! And that is my final offer-five-ten. Five-twenty? Five-thirty, five-forty, six hundred? Seven hundred. Eight hundred. Nine hundred...a million.
Nathan: A rap-rock band with a DJ? Somebody tell this band what year it is.

Rehabklok (3.8)

edit

[All band mates are surrounded by alcohol bottles, even Charles has one. Pickles has none.]

Charles: Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
Nathan: So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
Pickles: What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
Nathan: Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
Pickles: The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
Toki: Denials.
Murderface: Denial!
Skwisgaar: Textbooks case.
Nathan: Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
Skwisgaar: Yeah.
Nathan: Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Murderface: Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
Skwisgaar: Yeahs, lightweights!
Nathan: You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
Pickles: It's part of the show!
Nathan: Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
Pickles: [pause] I hate you all. I really do.
Nathan: [slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
Pickles: What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
Nathan: You could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
Skwisgaar: You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Nathan: Yeah, that's a natural high.
Murderface: Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
Charles: Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
Murderface: God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
Charles: I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
Murderface: I think it's an awesome death.
Nathan: Fucking bad-ass death.
Toki: Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Charles: Now an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come because of all this, you have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
Nathan: So we can't play with a drummer? You know that will take a lot of rhythmic elements out of the song, I mean, don't you think?
Charles: Well I think I figured something out. You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine. You can play with a drum machine. [a machine is shown in the darkness, playing a Metal beat; the band members look at it in awe]
Toki: [flabbergasted] Whoa, looks at that! Ohhhh.
Nathan: Whoa, that's pretty fucking cool.
Murderface: Oh my gosh, that's bad-ass!
Charles: Well good then. In the meantime, you'll have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.

[video starts]

Facebones: Hey pals, it's me! Faaaacebooooones!
Nathan: [drinking a beer] Hey look! Facebones!
Facebones: And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, X2P1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind! He can play any style! Including, but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once! It can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks! Check it out! [a sample of fast double kicks is heard] WOW! And most importantly, they can handle their alcohol! Not like SOME DRUMMERS!
Nathan: Holy shit! It's the perfect drummer!
Skwisgaar: We should totally finds one that plays rhythm guitars too.
Toki: That woulds be cools! Another robots pals!
Computer: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Facebones: The X2P1158 is equipped with a 10,000 megaton self detonation device! And in rare cases become self aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case contact the manufacturer! Not our problem! But that probably won't happen anywhooooo! Thanks for watching and have fun playing with the X2P1158! I'm Facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g....GOODBYE!
Nathan: Hey, Pickles isn'tgonna care that he's being replaced, is he?
Skwisgaar: Nah, he'll be fines! He am probably be settlings in real nicely and adjustings in rehabds.
Murderface: Yeah, he's probably living like a fucking king!

Dethzazz (3.9)

edit
[Toki visits Dr. Rockso in jail]
Dr. Rockso: Toki! Oh thank God! You gotta get Dr. Rockso outta here! I can't tell you what they're doing to me in the joint! [sobs]
Toki: Shuts up Rockso. You have beens a constant source of disappoint-ska-ments.
Dr. Rockso: [sobs again]
Toki: Enoughs! Ever since I knows you, you acts like a dildos! And you used the be a greats rock n' roll clown. You used to bes a star! But looks at you now. You're like a dogs whats bloateds and rottings on the sides of the roads. Likes a turds in the toilet ins an abandoned buildings whats no ones even flushed. Likes a dead whore whats the police won't even investigate 'cause no one cares-
Dr. Rockso: [annoyed] Okay baby, I get the idea...
Toki: Buts... den's I realized... That's it! You amn'ts on tops, and that's whys you haves slumpeds to the bottoms of garbage! You needs to be backs on tops Rockso! I'ms gonna bails you out, and helps you reforms your old band: Zazz Blammymatazz!
Toki: Alls we gots to do is sells a bunch of tickets, make sure Rockso performs and thens we makes our money backs and thens we goes on vacations -- easy!
Nathan: You think this is the first time that group of fucking clowns has tried to reunite?
Skwisgaar: Whats do you means?
Nathan: There was that one time they almost reunited, but Rockso drank a whole bunch of acid right before he went onstage and just spent the whole night spraying some lady with huge tits in the front row with a big spraying thing and they didn't even play one song. Cancelled. Then they were supposed to reunite, but Rockso, the night before, smuggled like twenty condoms worth of cocaine into his intestines. Then he ate some super-spicy Mexican food and the condoms melted and O.D.'d and he couldn't perform. Canceled. Then there was that one time they were about to reunite and like Rockso borrowed $20 million from the Ecuadorian drug cartel and they were like, "Give us our money back," and he's like, "No, I'm not gonna give you your money back," and they're like, "Well, we're gonna shoot you," and he's like, "Well, go ahead and shoot me" and they shot him. And now he pees out the side of his dick. And uh... they canceled the show. So, that's what I heard.
Pickles: Yeah, heard that.
Nathan: Look -- there's nothing I hate more than that fucking clown, but there isn't anything I won't do to hang out with MICKEY MOUSE!

Doublebookedklok (3.10)

edit

[Dethklok is freezing in the snow after being left behind the bus]

Skwisgaar: Why didn'ts we brings our jackets?
Pickles: Dudes this is a totally humiliating way to die! Huddled together, like a bunch of homos!
Murderface: [whispering] Pickles...we need to use each others body heat to stay alive. I'm telling you here.
Pickles: Ugh, just try not to get a boner!
Murderface: YOU try not to get a boner from me!

[after Dethklok is retrieved]

Pickles: What the hell happened out there?! You!
Nathan: Yeah! How did we get left behind?!
Toki: Yeah! [punches Skwisgaar]
Skwisgaar: Owww!
Murderface: I just wanna get warm! I need more blankets! [struggling]
Ofdensen: Look you guys were out there for less than 15 minutes! God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station!
Nathan: ...Well maybe we don't know, to go inside, when it's cold, alright?!
Dethkone Tagline: Dethkones. Icy and brutal!
Ofdensen's Assistant: Pardon me sir, but did you just order 70 million units of-
Ofdensen: Yeah.
Ofdensen: Did you...book a gig...in Syria...without telling me?!
Pickles: Eh...
Murderface: Why are you yelling at us?
Nathan: There's something bigger to think about. Our manager finally hates us...
Ofdensen: Now, if for some reason, I can't convince one of these two countries to reschedule, we could be the cause of World War III...which will hurt record sales. And that's our bread and butter they're fucking with.

[at the U.N.]

Ofdensen: Now listen, it's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability. For that, I may need a little patience on your- [Dethphone rings; clears throat] Sorry. [silences phone] I may need a little patience as I iron out the-
Assistant: Sir, it's Dethklok.
Ofdensen: Well, tell them "no." I'll have to return their phone call.
Assistant: They claim it's rather urgent.
Ofdensen: Urgent? Very well. [to the U.N. members] I'm very sorry. Uh guys, I'm in a meeting with the United Nations right now.
Pickles: Toki hit me in the arm and it really hurt!

[U.N. murmuring]

Ofdensen: I'm trying to solve the Israeli-Syrian issue with the U.N. right now and-
Nathan: Hey! It's Nathan! He hit me too! And he keeps on hitting all of us!
Ofdensen: Well uh, maybe if you-
Murderface: Hey! Hey!
Ofdensen: Mhmm?
Murderface: It's William.
Ofdensen: Yes.
Murderface: I was just standing there, and Toki walks up and slaps me hard, REALLY HARD on the back! And I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke him!
Skwisgaar: No neithers did any ofs us! And now I gots a fuckings welts all over my arms.
Ofdensen: Okay well listen-
Murderface: AND THE TV NEWS CALLED ME FAT!
Ofdensen: Okay. Guys?
Murderface: Y-yes?
Ofdensen: I'm really busy right now. In the mean time, try to tell Toki, that you don't appreciate being hit.
Nathan: YOU TELL HIM! He won't listen to us! We know he won't!
Murderface: No he won't! You have to do it!
Ofdensen If I get home before dinner, I'll talk to him, okay? I just- I can't do it right now, I'm in the-
Pickles: NO! NOW!
Murderface: We're watching you on TV! We'll know if you don't!
Nathan: Yeah, you're on C-SPAN!
Pickles: You're not doing it!
Ofdensen: Uh, my apologies ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, I uh, have to uh...make a quick phone call. Toki. [clears throat] [phone ringing] Uhh, hello, Toki, uh-
Toki's Answering Machine: Hi! You've reached the phones of Toki Wartooths. I'm not homes right now, but listens very carefullys to these followings instructions! After you hears a beep, please leaves detaileds message, on whos you are, and whats you likes to talks to Toki Wartooths abo- [beep]
edit
 
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