Metalocalypse (season 2)

The following is a list of quotes from the second season Metalocalypse.

Dethecution (2.1)

The President: It pains me that I do not have the ability to bring Dethklok back to the public. Therefore, I give you this. [pulls out a shotgun and shoots himself in the mouth, and begins gurgling.]

Ofdensen: Gentlemen, I have the recording schedules right here, you'll see that we need to get started on the new record pretty soon, so- [Dethklok is not paying any attention to him, the only sound is William's knife on a plate] uh... nothin'?

Pickles: Can you just at least ask us how we're doing, or something? you know, before you start with all this...robotic crap? I mean am I wrong?-

William: Yeah you're all like, "Here's the schedule and now get to work you ugly humps!" Ugly humps?

Pickles: You're like a robot. You're like an...emotionless robot.

Nathan: Yeah. He is a robot.

Skwisgaar: Robot.

Nathan: You're a robot.

William: Robots are not to be trusted.

Ofdensen: Okay, fine, uh. How are...all of you?

Skwisgaar: Hows ares wes? WES IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVINGS A FUCKING DINNERS MEAL! DATS HOWS WE AM!

[pause]

Nathan: Toki you may clear the table, when you feel that it's time.

Toki: Any of you guys mind if I mace this stupid turkey?

Pickles: Awww, go ahead. I don't want no more.

Toki: OH YEAH! [maces the turkey with a device attached to his crotch] Take that you stupid turkey! Right in you face!

Ofdensen: Uhhh...I'm sorry, what is that?

Toki: Oh this a Pelvic Thrust Mace Belt.

Nathan: Don't you take away my ability to have tantrums! Alright? That you cannot have! Alright?! YOU ROBOT!

Ofdensen: I... must say I have never seen you this reclusive and moody before. But, there must be something we can do to get you guys back out there playing shows.

Toki: Well what of the fans out there who wanna kill us?

Ofdensen: Well there won't be. I have a proposal, I think you'll be interested in since your concern with security has increased. A number of criminals are to be executed soon, and the prison system has asked you to perform at this execution because-

Nathan: Nooooo. Pass.

Ofdensen: And they want you to pick how they're executed.

[long pause]

Nathan: AWWWWWWWW, AWWWWWWWWWW! DARN, THAT'S AWESOME! THAT'S REALLY AWESOME!

Ofdensen: Is this, uh, something you would, uh, consider, doing?

Nathan: [throws his bottle] URRRRR!!!!!!! YEAH! BUT IT'S GOTTA BE REALLY FUCKING BRUTAL!

Charles: You wanted to, talk to me ?

Murderface: Oh yeah. Sit down.

Charles: No, thank you. I'll stand.

Nathan: Oh, We, We we wanted to say we're sorry. There. [chuckles] There you go. Get outta here.

Charles: You're sorry for... releasing dangerous criminals back into the streets ?

Nathan: No... about calling you a robot.

Toki: You're not a robot.

Nathan: No, you're not a robot.

Toki: Not a robot.

Murderface: No you are not... and we know that must have made you feel bad.

Charles: Mm hmm.

Skwisgaar: Ands listens you's the bests butler we's ever had so we no wants yous to quit.

Charles: I'm uh, not a butler... Nevermind. That's all then?

Pickles: That's it. I mean, uh, we're glad you forced us out there again. Y'know, it felt good. Y-y-y'know, couple of things I would have done differently though, y'know, whatever ...

Charles: You mean like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?

Pickles: Heheh - no, that was a happy accident. Eeehh.

Ofdensen: Oh, and remember, start thinking about that new record.

Murderface: ROBOT!

Senator Stampingston: Gentlemen, it appears that Dethklok...IS BACK.

Dethlessons (2.02)

[Toki is playing a guitar solo on stage during a performance, missing notes. Skwisgaar storms over to Toki's amplifier and unplugs his guitar.]

Skwisgaar: Hey! Whats the hells you doings right now?

Toki: Why its gots to be about you? Whats about my guitar playings?

Skwisgaar: Heh, Whats about it, you know?

Toki: I’m the guitarist too, Skwisgaar! Sometimes you forget. I wants to play the scales and the notes and everything likes you! But you don’ts lets me, YOU DON’TS LETS ME!!

Skwisgaar: You're totallys attacking me right now!

Toki: HE’S HOLDING ME BACKS EVERYBODY!! I’M A GUITARIST TOO!!! [throws down his guitar, and walks off.] You know it!

Ofdensen: It should be clear at this point that Toki is concerned about his role in the band.

Nathan: What do you mean? He's, he's the rhythm guitar player, am I right?

Ofdensen: Yes, he, is, but he's been complaining that he doesn't get enough spotlight. And it's become apparent, uh, in the media. Take a look at that. [throws magazine down that reads "Will Toki go to War for More Notes?"]

Pickles: What does he care? He don't even practice or nothin'. He doesn't write. He just shows up. That guy doesn't do anything!

Nathan: HEY! He makes sandwiches alright?

William: I make sandwiches.

Nathan: WHOA! THAT GUY DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!

Ofdensen: Well, uh, he is a band member, so try to, be nice to him.

William: [contemptuously] HEY HEY! Why don't you just uhhh, why don't you just get out of here and let the big boys deal with this one. Or maybe just write it down in that stupid little book, you know, you file away with all receipts for your lollipops and your pretzels, idiot.

Ofdensen: [offended] Uhh... excuse me?

William: I'm just messing with you, man! [snickers]

Ofdensen: You uh, sure about that?

William: [ingenuinely]] Yeah, just pallin' around. Just being a little dick, you know.

Ofdensen: Fine then, good day. [leaves]

Pickles: Wow you are a DICK!

Nathan: Yeah you've got it down to a science!

William: You notice how I'm not mad. He gets mad. That's being a dick.

Nathan: It's amazing just to be able to manipulate like that. Wow! What a gift!

Pickles: How do you just turn it on like that?

William: Well, it, it takes years boys. I mean- Pickles, you got something on your shirt right there. [puts a finger on his shirt]

Pickles: I do? [looks down and William punches him]

William: Blammo!

Pickles: ...Ow.

Nathan: Whoa...what a dick.

Skwisgaar: Oh Toki, its adorables, you really wants to takes more solos, but I am the lead guitarist, you know, why? because I ams, hows do you says, way more gooders than you.

Toki: Dat's why I needs me a piano teacher!

Skwisgaar: You mean guitar teacher.

[silence]

Skwisgaar: Looks looks, I give you guitar lesson huh? Takes you under my flippers, huh?

Toki: Wes not goes downs that dusty roads again!

Skwisgaar: What do you mean?

[flashback to a guitar lesson from Skwisgaar]

Skwisgaar: Okay Toki, plays mes a harmonic minor scales in the key of uh, D.

Toki: Oh, like this. [plays a single note]

Skwisgaar: [suddenly] WROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! [pulls a chord that sends a bucket of blood on Toki's head and they fight.]

[Back to present.]

Toki: You not a great teacher, Skwisgaar.

Skwisgaar: Permits me to disagree.

Toki: Stupid, Dumb, Dildo, Jack-off, Jerk, Tits, Ass! [stops] What's this? *Gasps* [sees a flyer that reads: Guitar Lessons from Guitar Master! All styles!- Contact: Dimneld Selftcark. Toki rips a piece of paper from the flyer. He reads the name aloud.] Dim..neld..Selft..cark...

[At Dimneld’s house. Dimneld is playing on his guitar.]

Toki: *Gasps* Yous, amazings!

Guitar Teacher: Yeah, I guess I am, huh?

Toki: Gots to have lessons from you!

Guitar Teacher: Show me what you can do.

Toki: Oh yeah! [Looks around.] Oh no.

Guitar Teacher: Where’s your guitar, boy?

Toki: Thinks I lefts it at the Urban Outfitters.

Guitar Teacher: Hmm…Can I be honest with you? I don’t think you got it kid. I don’t think you got the discipline. To be great, it takes lots of practice, and you either got that fire in your belly, or you don’t.

Toki: But I dos! I dos! Looks, I needs my own guitar identitys. You gots to help me, Mr. Selftcark!

Guitar Teacher: Only, if you promise me you’ll go all the way. No short-cuts. No bull. All, or nothin’!

Toki: You gots the deal!

Senator Stampingston: It appears as if certain members of Dethklok are taking music lessons. Allow me to officially introduce Vater Orlaag, political and spiritual specialist.

Vater: Having two guitarists in the same band is potentially destructive by itself but when one attempts to take away the other's status, HA HA God help us. The clashing of these egos is like two warrior titans, it's like Clash of the Titans! [no response] Clash...of the Titans.

Murderface: [Natahn, Murderface and Pickles are outside Skwisgaars room] Okay you two, being a dick takes a lot of work. The objective guys, is to drive somebody crazy.

Pickles & Nathan: Yeah, alright.

Murderface: Skwisgaar's in there practicing away, let's drive him crazy. Follow my lead, and try to keep up...

[they enter Skwisgaar's room; Skwisgaar is facing them playing his guitar]

Murderface: [in a very high pitched voice] So uh...sound like Toki's really gettin' going over there with at new guitar teacher!

Pickles: [also high pitched] Yeah, I went by his room...dude. He was doing stuff on that guitar I wwas like, 'What? I ain't never heard nothin' like that!'

Murderface: [still high pitched] I was like, 'Are you speeding up a tape with a guitar solo on there?!'

Nathan: [very robotic in his voice] I-was-like-that-too! But-then-I-found-out-that-he-was-not!

Murderface: [high pitched] No, he wasn't! He was reall doin' it!

Pickles: [high pitched] Hey- OH HI, SKWISGAAR!

Skwisgaar: [has stopped playing and has been listening to them] So he's getting prettys good, huh?

Murderface: [normal voice] Yes, he's getting quite good.

Skwisgaar: If you don't minds, I maybe wants to bes by myself for a second?

[Murderface, Pickles, and Nathan leave]

Skwisgaar: [muffled through the door] NOOOOOOOOO!

Guitar Teacher: You remembered my birthday. Gimmie a hug. I can't Believe you remembered my birth- [coughs]

Toki: Just my way of saying thanks. Just...my way of saying...thanks.

[Skwisgaar barges in through the door]

'Skwisgaar: [livid] IS DIS HIMS?! DIS PIECE OF TRASH?! DAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, YOU KNOW DAT? YOU LIVES INSIDES A GARBAGE CAN!

Toki: SKWISGAAR! NO! HE'S LIKE A FATHER-FRIEND!

Skwisgaar: Oh yeah? Dis garbage can? Right here? Dat your friend-father? Well, It's either hims, or the band.

Toki: Whats are you saying?

Skwisgaar: I hears by performs citizens ban-firing affective NNNNNNNOW!!

Toki: AWW! YOU CAN'TS DO THAT! YOU NEEDS TO PRESENT IT TO THE BAND CONGRESS FIRST TO GETS THE TWO-THIRDS VOTE!

Skwisgaar: I wills begins the paper work! Good day!

Ofdensen: I can not, in good faith, sign off on this citizen's firing.

Skwisgaar: Why nots?

Ofedensen: Because, uh, some of the other band mates neglected to vote.

Muderface: I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Voting sucks!

Pickles: I was actually the president of the voting-sucks club in high school.

Nathan: Oh yeah? How'd that go?

Pickles: Well, I never got re-elected.

Murderface: Get 'er done!

Nathan: You know it!

Ofdensen: Well, Toki, I don’t know what to say. Either you work this out with Skwisgaar, or you’ll have a bigger decision to make.

Toki: No, I nots works its out! [leaves the room.]

Skwisgaar: See? See! Right there! I can’ts even talks to him! He’s unrationals!

Ofdensen: Well..there you go.

Murderface: [enters Skwisgaar's room] Hey, uh Skwisgaar? That whole 'Toki getting good ting?' Just kidding, all a lie. See ya'. [leaves fast]

Toki: Thanks you. And nows, I demonstrates the name of the string. Dis one i-is an E. And uh, Dere’s another E, heres, and the G, and the P, and the C. Those are what’s called, the fret. [gets nervous] Dat’s, Dat’s not a string, but its, its near the string and- uh, nevermind dat, lets..play the scale, dat’s the major scales on the guitars, string, [heart beats faster.] No! I can’ts dos this!

Guitar Teacher: What? What’s wrong?

Toki: Can’ts do this anymore master, I can’ts take more piano lessons!

Guitar Teacher: You mean guitar?

Toki: Whatever! I just wish I could be...[cries]

Guitar Teacher: Shhhhh…shhh. It’s just as well. I’m dying boy. I’m dying. [coughs]

Skwisgaar: Toki! Stop! I wants yous to have this. Dis is ans importance to you. Dat you have, a magical things with dat guys right there, and I now know, dat you never gots good at guitars. So, its ok for you to have dis relations-ips.

Nathan: [from a balcony] HEY! OVER HERE! I'M SORRY! I KNOW IT WAS WRONG TO HAVE MANIPULATED YOU! IF I COULD TAKE IT BACK I WOULD! I WAS WRONG!

Toki: Skwisgaar! Yous were afraids that I was better than you?

Pickles: [also from a balcony] STOP! OVER HERE! DON'T QUIT THE BAND TOKI! I'M SORRY! I SHOULDN'T HAVE MANIPULATED THE SITUATION!

Nathan: HEY! PICKLES OVER HERE!

Pickles: YEAH!?

Nathan: IT'S NATHAN! UM I ALREADY SAID ALL THAT STUFF, LIKE, ALREADY.

Pickles: YOU DID!?

Skwisgaar: Yes Toki. Deh bands needs you. Even thoughs you don'ts do nothing.

William: [also from a balcony] STOOOOP! I'M SORRY! SORRY ABOUT BEING A DICK BUT SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO SUPPRESS THE URGE OF RUINING OTHER PEOPLES LIVES! WHY DOESN'T EVERY ONE OF YOU JUST GO KILL YOURSELF, IDIOTS! I'M SORRY I'M JUST BEING A DICK!

Toki: Wowee. You really are...my family.

Guitar Teacher: Boy...I just wanna say one thing before I go. I love you boy. [coughs] I...love...yee- [dies]

Dethvengeance (2.03)

Boy: [on his computer] Aww, cool! Dethklok mp3s! [a message appears on his computer] "You are downloading this album ILLEGALLY! The consequences are GRAVE!" HA HA HA! Yeah right! CLICK! Aww, this is gonna take a while, what should I do in the mean time? Eh, I guess I'll jack off.

[Zooms into screen, and into the Mordhaus security wing, with the computer alerting the piracy of a Dethklok mp3. Klokateers break into the house, incapacitating the boy's parents]

Klokateer: Now! Go! [the Klokateers break into the boy's room and taze him]

Boy: MOMMY-Y-YY-! [gets put to sleep with a bag]

Senator Stampingston: Gentlemen, Dethklok has taken the law into its own hands.

General Crozier: Preposterous!

Vater Orlaag: But they are well within their rights, General Crozier.

Senator Stampingston: World leaders are smart enough to know they need to keep Dethklok happy, and so they did just that.

Vater Orlaag: There is a purchase and thieving clause, that was backed by the United Nations this year, that allows Dethklok to act as a police force.

General Crozier: Just because the United Nations can be bought off doesn't mean it's right.

Vater Orlaag: It's not about right or wrong, General. At this point, it simply is.

Dick Knubber: So that's just a rough mix of some of the stuff you've been uh...working on.

[long pause and a series of grunts from the Dethklok members]

Skwisgaar: That's kinda nots too terriblys uh...wonderful is it now? Am I right?

William: No no no, it's not it's uh...dragging.

Nathan: Yeah yeah, it's just...it's just too confining.

Skwisgaar: Yes confinings.

Pickles: Too digital.

[all members start agreeing at once]

Dick Knubber: Wait what?

Pickles: Needs work.

William: Sorry if we have very learn-ed sensitive musical ears.

Skwisgaar: Yeah. Toki is right, sorry if we got very good ears.

William: Uh...Murderface, that's Murderface, I'm Murderface, that's my name.

Toki: It sounds like microchips.

Nathan: Yeah, Pickles is right you know. Who was clearly the one who said that.

Toki: I just said that, not Pickle!

Nathan: Uh, that's a good Pickles impression that's for sure. Right Pickles?

Pickles: ...

Nathan: I SAID "RIGHT PICKLLLLLLES!!!"

Pickles: It sounds like microchips. In ones and zeros-

Dick Knubber: You guys are fucking deaf! You know that? You can't tell the difference between anything! Can you fucking hear me? DAMMIT CAN ANY OF YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!

Knubbler: OK, we've moved all the tracks onto water, so you wanna take 5 on the horsing around?

....

Nathan: Hey hey! Record this ready? Ready?

Pickles: Yeah I'm ready.

Nathan: Okay. [recording sequence starts] Pbbbbbbbb ohhhh ahhhhh oh la la la la la la [claps five times] Play that back for me Pickles. [Pickles plays it back]

Pickles: It seems kinda cleared.

Skwisgaar: Now we can'ts do that.

William: It's actually clearer than when he did it.

Nathan: Hey play that back for me one more time, Pickles, just one more time. [Pickles does so] Yeah I gotta get a copy of that for myself. On water.

William: Yeah! Burn it on water! [more talking at once] I'm gonna throw up! RECORD IT I'M GONNA THROW UP!

Pickles: Okay! Press record, record quick quick! [Dick pushes a button labeled "Record"; William throws up]

Nathan: Oh that's gonna sound good!

Skwisgaar: Yeah, I'm gonna add it to my water collection!

Dick: [comes in and sees Dethklok drinking the tracks] WHATS GOING ON? YOU'RE DRINKING THE TRACKS! NO, YOU CAN'T WATER THE PLANTS WITH THE DRUM TRACKS! YOU'RE REPLACING THE WATER IN THE FISH TANK WITH THE BASS TRACKS! YOU'RE MAKING RAMEN NOODLES WITH SKWISGAAR'S SOLO! [Dethklok's hot tub play's Nathans noise making track]

Dethdoubles (2.04)

Nathan: Why do they have us right here in front of all these dildos?

Pickles: Yeah, I mean, we're like, right in front of everything.

Skwisgaar: Ya, it's likes, deys, gawking at us, likes, a bunch of fish that can'ts close their eyes.

Nathan: Look at that guy. Right there.

Murderface: Oh, look at that one.

Pickles: Look at that douche.

'Nathan:: Look at that douchebag.

Murderface: Look at that douchebag.

Skwisgaar: Looks at that douchebag!

Toki: Looks at that douchebag.

Nathan: Look at that douchebag.

Murderface: Look at that douchebag.

Skwisgaar: Looks at thats douchebag!

Pickles: Look at that douchebag.

Toki: Looks at that douchebag.

Nathan: Douchebag.

Toki: Douchebag.

Skwisgaar: Douchebag.

Pickles: Douchebag.

Murderface: Douchebag.

Skwisgaar/Toki/Murderface/Pickles: Douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag...

Nathan: I'm getting so irritated by these stupid fans!

Nathan: A bunch of caged rats....that's what we are! A bunch of caged rats that are also death metal musicians!

Murderface:We're the rats and look what's on the other side of the cage.Douchbag.

Skwisgaar/Toki/Murderface/Pickles: Douchebag

Ofdensen:Ah, listen I don't think its a great idea for you guys to get to close to your doubles.

Skwisgarr:Why can't we have friends all of the sudden?

Ofdensen:You can. You just can't have them as friends.

Skwisgarr:Ohhh. He admits it sees. He's a tyrants sees.

Ofdensen:Do you understand the purpose of having doubles?

Nathan:Yeah, I'll take this one guys. A double is like having the best friend you've had in your whole life. A double listens to you when no one in this crazy world will. A double is like having a child and watching him grow up and feeling that feeling of pride and unyielding trust that no one else can ever give you.

Ofdensen: They exist to so that if someone tries to kill you they will be killed instead.

Nathan:Whoa what? I mean just thinking of those us as dead, I mean I'm going to cry I might seriously cry about that.

Ofdensen:That's why you don't get emotionally attached Nathan.

Nathan:Hey where did my me go?

William: [dialing a number on his dethfone] Hey we just saw you on TV at the parade! It was awesome! [whispers] Hey when you get back, we're gonna have a surprise party!

Nathan: Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! [William continues talking] Gimme the phone! GIMME THE PHONE!

William: HOLD ON! Here's Nathan. [gives phone to Nathan]

Nathan: Hiiiiiii! WE JUST SAW YOU ON THE PARADE! IT WAS GREAT!

William: I SAID THAT ALREADY!

Nathan: Oh yeah! WE'RE HAVING A PARTY FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK!

William: I SAID THAT ALREADY!

Nathan: [plugging his other ear] IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!

Pickles: Ask them what they want at the-

Nathan: I will! I will! Hold on! Hold on!

Toki: We gets the bounce house!

Pickles: Tell 'em about the BALLOONS!

Nathan: WE'RE GONNA HAVE BALLOONS! [Ofdensen enters the room] I gotta go, goodbye. [hangs up]

Ofdensen: What were you going on the phone? You're supposed to be doing your jobs.

William: Jobs? I play bass not to have a job!

Ofdensen: You're supposed to be preparing for the concert! Nathan, you're in charge. Hows rehersal going?

Nathan: Well it umm... uhhh oh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good.

Murderface: We've got no friends...

Nathan: I know, it's just us. We're not friends, are we?

Skwisgaar: (firmly) No.

Murderface: (disgusted) Oh God, no.

(After a massive slaughter of fans by security guards when Murderface's shotgun accidentally goes off)

Ofdensen: What happened back there, huh? What was that?

Pickles: We don't know!

Toki: (distressed) We no means it, it was accidenskal! We not at fault!

Ofdensen: "Blood Bath" does not read well in print, you know what I'm saying--

Nathan: (yelling) WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIIIIIGHT!

(the band has just been introduced to their doubles)

Murderface: Hold on, this guy doesn't look like me! He's hideous, he's grotesque, look at 'im!

Ofdensen: Actually, Murderface, he--

Murderface: Look at that head, that disgusting forehead, that stupid-shaped hair, beady eyes, like, stupid flat nose, wide hammer-ass, chicken-plucked legs idiot! (addressing Ofdensen) You need to get your eyes checked, you piece of shit! This guy doesn't look like me!

(pause)

Murderface: (dejectedly) Oh God, he looks just like me...

Nathan: Hey, where'd my me go?

Ofdensen: Listen, great men throughout history have used doubles. Men who needed to stay alive for the greater good of their people, much like yourselves. Men like Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin-

Nathan: Awesome! I'm Stalin, I called it.

Pickles: I'm Nixon!

Skwisgaar: I wants to be Bill Cosby!

Nathan: You ever think of just, you know, giving it all up?

Skwisgaar: Ah, you means, like, kills yourself.

Nathan: No. What? No, I mean, like, stopping being famous, become a regular old jackoff.

Murderface: ...And so then kill yourself?

Nathan: No, no, stopping being famou...yeah, you can kill yourself if you want to.

Pickles: You know, it would be great, to walk down the street, and not be bothered for once.

Toki: Walks where?

Pickles: I don't know, walk down the street, you know.

Toki: To where?!

Pickles: I don't know, walk to a store. Walk to a store.

Toki: Then buys it on the internet, have it delivered!

Pickles: I know I can buy it on the internet, but what if I want to walk to the park, you know, and look at swans?

Toki: Well maybe you should have thought about that before you got famous!

Nathan: Toki's right.

Ofdensen: Well..uh, I'm afraid its time to say goodbye to your doubles.

Toki: Why! They stills alive!

Ofdensen: I know they are, Toki.

Pickles: Then we do we gotta say goodbye to 'em?

Ofdensen: BECAUSE, Pickles, they no longer look like you, that was the point. Their skin is burned, they dont even have features.

Skwisgaar: What if we burned ourselves to look like dems! Dens maybes we could keeps them!

Murderface: That would work! You know it would! Come on, lets burn ourselves!

Ofdensen: That is out of the question, Murderface, you are not going to burn-

Murderface: Your out of the question!

[pause]

Ofdensen: I'm afraid its time for you to, uh, say goodbye to your doubles now.

Nathan: Let us do it, its better if they hear it from us. Because we're them, after all.

Nathan: Thanks for coming, us.

Toki: Ya know, theres never an easy ways to dos this.

Skwisgaar: Yeah, but ya know, sometimes, we're out of options, sometimes.

Pickles: Ya know, business is not personal. And...in this case, its.. it is.. cause its us.. your us.. and..

Nathan: Ugh. I hate having to say this, but...

Murderface: Easy, easy, I got a smoother way of, uh, explaining it here. Guys, uh..I don't know..[begins digging into his pocket acting as if he is scratching] itch or cramp 'er somthing...pulls up his shotgun] See the thing is- [Murderface fires his gun]

Dethfashion (2.05)

Murderface: Even though we are venturing into the world of fashion, I am here to assure all of you...I am not gay.

[the group opens the door revealing that Eric flays women alive for his leather

Eric Von Weichlinghammer: What are you doing here?

[the group screams in horror]

Nathan: OH WHAT A HORRIBLE-- you're fired, by the way. OH GOD! [Resumes screaming]

Murderface: My god, how can you eat that?!

Pickles: (Mouthful) What are you talking about? This is a hot dog.

Murderface: How can you even put that in your mouth?

Pickles: Are you trying to tell me you've never had a hot dog?

Murderface: No.

Pickles: Never, never?

Murderface: No way, I ain't putting anything shaped like that in my mouth!

Toki: What about Banana?

Murderface: No.

Nathan: What about sausage?

Murderface: No, not sausage!

Skwisgaar: What about that sausage, that was cut up into little pieces?

Murderface: Uh no, cause it looks- it's like a chopped up cock.

Nathan: What about like a sandwich?

Murderface: A flat one?

Nathan: Yeah.

Murderface: Yeah, if it were a flat sandwich.

Nathan: Okay, what about a sandwich shapped like a dick?

Murderface: NO, that's the point! What kind of sandwiches are shaped like dicks?!

Nathan: (Chuckling) I don't know, like -

Murderface: A hot dog? NO!

Pickles: Man, you think about penises in mouths all the time, don't you?

Murderface: SHUT UP!!! GOD!

Pickles: Well you do!

Murderface: Oh God, give me my wipes!

Pickles: Well you did, yeah. Yeah you said- you said "Penis in mouth" about a hundred times today.

Murderface: No, because it was like "Oh, you've never had a hot dog". I just wanted to say "No", and it would be fine. And then "Oh, what about this and what about that" and "No it's like a dick and no it's like a dick". You guys do it all!

Nathan: Wow, you really keep thinking about dick all day long.

Toki: Yeah, you do. You keeps bringing up the subject.

Murderface: YOU BRING IT UP! I just said I don't! No, I wanted it over. GOD!

Skwisgaar: I would eat the hot dogs. (Short Pause) Just putting it out there.

Pickles: Hey, am I going crazy or these clothes tight, like extra tight?

Skwisgaar: Yeah, it feels like I'm this sausage, you know?

Murderface: Oh, just stop with the innuedos, please?!

Skwisgaar: It wasn't even an in- I just said "You lept to a conclusion".

Murderface: I do agree, these clothes are un-fucking-comfortable.

Toki: Well mines fit!

Murderface: Oh, Toki shut up!

Skwisgaar: Toki, shut up.

[at Finntrolls Market]

Nathan: Okay. We gotta figure out this food bullshit. Toki, Skwisgaar, you guys did some online food research, lets hear it!

Skwisgaar: Okay. Everyone says ons dis page, dats we gots to cuts out thems carbobydrates.

Toki: Yeah, no mores of thems carbokikrates.

[pause]

Nathan: What are carkomymrates?

Skwisgaar: Oh you know, uh pisgetti...uh...

Toki: Breads...

Skwisgaar: Uh, paper towels...you know...

Toki: Cleanex and that...

Pickles: Oh, well that's easy! No more of that stuff, that's cool. You know?

Murderface: Well, can't we have at least like a little bread?

Nathan: I mean we don't have to be like hunger nazi's to our stomachs.

Murderface: I know that's reasonable, like a sandwich here or there.

Skwisgaar: All rights, you know...uh whatever...uh yeah okay...it also says, dats we... the less foods we eats....the mores less fats we gets on ourselves.

Murderface: So...we starve ourselves a little.

Pickles: Yeah that's fine.

Nathan: Sure.

Murderface: Hey. What if we just ate like one really big meal. And then just eat nothing the rest of the day?

Nathan: Hmmm.

Toki: Yeah, that sounds like it'll works.

Skwisgaar: Yeah that's good I guess.

Murderface: Maybe we should eat that meal right before we go to sleep. So there's just nothing left to do but digest.

Nathan: That sounds like a good idea. So you could just sleep it off.

[Toki and Skwisgaar talking at once]

Nathan: ...losing weight by sleeping.

Toki: Hey that's good ideas.

Murderface: Hey how about Popsicles? That's like for snack? So we're not having our really big meal- just Popsicles.

Pickles: Dude, ain't that the shape of a you-know-what?

Murderface: Ohh...

Nathan: [muttering] Yeah...like Popsicles are just like water...

Skwisgaar: Guys, I don'ts thinks that sounds rights, does Popsicle-

Nathan: SKWISGAAR! SKWISGAAR! Popsicles are like drinking a glass of water, okay?! What are we supposed to do, cut out water too?!

Pickles: Yeah, what are we supposed to do on a hot day? What? Not eat popsicles?

Murderface: How could you not eat a Popsicle?!

Skwisgaar: All right, all right. Popskockles we cans have.

Toki: All right! Popscicle!

Nathan: All right let me get this straight. One really big meal a day, then we go to sleep, no paper towels but a little bit of bread because we're not nazis, and as many popsicles as we want.

Skwisgaar: Uh, yeah.

Pickles: Dudes...[chuckling] We're on a diet.

Nathan: GOD I'M STARTING TO GET REALLY HUNGRY!

Murderface: LET'S GET SOMETHING TO EAT!

Nathan: I'LL GET A PEPPERONI PIZZA!

Murderface: EXTRA CHEESE!

Doctor: Your metabolism has slowed down. Popsicles are just pure sugar.

Skwisgaar: YEAH?! THEYS PURE GREAT!

Cleanzo (2.06)

Dr. Rockso: [crying] I do cocaine.

Nathan: Rockso. Fuckin' clown. Boy, I really hate that guy.

Skwissgar: Yeah, I should fucking horse-whip hims.

Pickles: Yeah, he is a menace. A home-grown menace.

Toki: Oh, he just misunderstoods.

(The band has just watched a TV special about Dr. Rockso, in which Murderface stated he was the lead song-writer for Dethklok.)

Nathan: Yeah, uh...you know, you also said that you're the Dethklok song writer.

Murderface: (clearly pleased with himself) Did I? I, eh, I don't remember.

Nathan: Yeah...you did. And you've never written anything, ever.

Murderface: What about Planet Piss?

Nathan: First of all, that's not Dethklok.

Pickles: You never even completed one song, neither.

Murderface: That's not to say I'm not capable of writing a song!

Nathan: (getting angry) In this case, it is to say you're not capable!

Murderface: I could have written any Dethklok song, I coulda written any of 'em!

Nathan: But you didn't write any-- but you didn't, though!

Murderface: But I could have!

Nathan: But you didn't!

(pause)

Murderface: BUT I COULD HAVE!

Nathan: Well, I could've invented the, uh, the floor, you know, but I didn't!

Murderface: But that doesn't mean you shouldn't get credit for inventing the floor!

Nathan: (babbling) That should mean that I don't get credit for it!

Murderface: Wait a minute, what about the bass-lines, I wrote all the bass-lines! (nudges Pickles, who looks annoyed)

Skwissgar: You didn'ts write no bass-lines, I figures them out for you and shows them to you!

Murderface: Oh, yeah, that is--

Nathan: You know, I'd like to hear you try to write one song!

Murderface: You-- you'd like to hear me try to write one song?!

Nathan: Yeah, it, it has to be a complete song!

Murderface: You'd like to hear me write one complete song?!

Nathan: Yeah!

Murderface: You, get outta--

Pickles: You're not gonna do it!

Murderface: OH YES I WILL, BECAUSE I HAVE THIS, SMARTASS, HAHA! (holds up a book called 'Song Writing')

Dr. Rockso: (shown getting out of a car) Hey, man I said $20 for an HJ, not a measly ten!

(Pickles looks shocked and disgusted, Toki only looks slightly surprised)

Dr. Rockso: Let's go get some hookers and ice k-k-k-k...reeeaaam!

Nathan: (reading his intervention letter to Dr. Rockso) "Dr. Rockso; I hate you, and I think you should die, you are an idiot and I hate your voice, there's no room on this paper to properly describe how much I hate you, go die." There, is that good?

Toki: (Dr. Rockso gives him a large version of his own head made of balloons) Oh, wowie, looks just like me! Nathan, look!

Nathan: (unenthusiastically) Yeah, that's great.

Dr. Rockso: I can make you one.

Nathan: Uh, yeah...go. To jail, now.

News Reporter: Dr. Rockso, are you guilty?

Dr. Rockso: All I know is this, my name is Dr. Rockso, the Rock N' Roll clown...and I used to do cocaine! I'm k-k-k-k-k clean! [Dethklok members cheer for him; Rockso gets a bloody nose] Uh-oh. [nose falls off]

(Murderface's song)

Murderface: A million miles from nowhere, Dragon Lance burns hot. By the fire of a horse's ghost, a minnow would be lost... Cha-cha-cha-changes... mmmm, Tits... A fish... A fish with tits. Titty fish.

[Dr. Rockso is being tortured with an electrical shock device à la Han Solo in Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back

Ofdensen: [monotonally] Oh my God, what's going on here? Stop torturing him.

Dr. Rockso: (sobbing) Thank you. Thank you, you're an angel!

Ofdensen: Yes, yes, yes I am. There, there... Give him one more.

Dr. Rockso: (screaming)

Ofdensen: All right, all right, well, here are your clothes, Dr. Rockzo. The, uh, the boys are going out for some ice cream and hookers. Is that something you'd be interested in doing?

Dr. Rockso: [sheepishly]] I don't know, I guess so...

Nathan: All right, let's hear it, let's go, Simon and Garfunkel!

Skwisgaar: Ya, let's go, Loggins and Messina!

Nathan: Yeah, let's go, George and Ira Gershwin!

Skwisgaar: Ya, let's go, Rogers and Hammerstein!

Murderface: Why the hell am I two people?!

Nathan: Come on, let's go Crosby, Stills and Nash!

Skwisgaar: And Youngs!

Nathan: And Walter Becker and Donald Fagen!

Murderface: All right, all right! Just shut up, I need to concentrate. [looks down at his book] Open strong...

Nathan: That's a great book you got there.

Murderface: Just shut up and let me think!

Skwisgaar: Less thinkings, more playings! Comes on, grandspa guitar, let's do this!

[Dr. Rockso is going into withdrawal in the kitchen and is screaming and wielding a knife]

Toki: Oh no I thinks Dr. Rockso has withdrawals! Whats do wes do? Whats do wes do?!

Pickles: [pulls out a pistol] Here I got it. [fires his gun into Dr. Rockso, who immediatly falls to the ground]

Toki: You fucking kills him!!

Pickles: Don't worry, it's an animal tranquilizer gun, you know, left over from the CD release party.

Toki: Oh yeah that was a funs party.

Pickles: Yeah, that was a fun party.

Deth Wedding (2.07)

Dr. Milminiman Lamilam Swimwamli: Gentlemen, the American wedding is a dark and fearful sham. The event itself is designed to incite anger and drain loved ones of patience, support and money. Most marriages fail miserably within two years; others end in murder-suicides, and a small percentage of them end with what we like to call "liveable hatred."

General Crozier: Dethklok should be kept as far away from the institution of marriage as possible. Marriage has suffered enough.

Mr. Salacia: We mustn't intervene, General. We will allow Dethklok to experience...the blackness!

Murderface: Well, normally I’d dread an event like this, but seeing how knotted up it’s gotten you, Pickles, I’m sure I will enjoy it.

Nathan: Yeah, it’s fun to watch somebody go through family hell.

Skwissgar: Weddings are only good for two things; tax breaks and adultery. Hmph, that’s what I say.

Toki: Oh, and kissings and huggings! And opens bar!

Skwisgaar: Ya, but Toki, takes it easy. Last times I was in charge of yous all night, and yous was a sloppies mess!

Toki: Hey, you don'ts gots to worries about olds Toki.

Nathan: Don’t take this the wrong way, Pickles, but...your brother’s kind of, hm...kind of a weird, greedy dick, y’know?

[Pickles, looking very stressed out, blinks unresponsively]

Molly: Look, Pickles! Look how great your brother’s doing!

Pickles: ...uh, where am I looking?

Molly: Look at his house-room!

Pickles: What, you converted the attic.

Molly: Look, he has an all-in-one fax-machine! [The fax machine is sitting on a piece of wood propped up by cinder-blocks.] He’s a professional! Go give him a hug!

Seth: Feels good, doesn't it? Fuck yeah. Hugging your own brother. Being close to his fuckin' face like this. [unintelligible...lots of swearing]. Look at fuckin' Dethklok in my fuckin' house-room! Ha! I'm calling Mitch and Bobby, they won't fuckin' believe this. I'm fuckin' excited about you guys throwin' me a bachelor party! Fuck! Oh, and by the way, this is little Amber, the love of my fuckin' heart. Wanna see an angel, go on, turn around.

Nathan: [watching an engaged Seth get a lap-dance from a stripper] Boy, there's nothing like love, is there?

Toki: No, it's great!

Murderface: He's really gonna be a good husband.

Toki: Who are those goofballs?

Pickles: Oh, those are Seth's pals, y'know, a couple of high school dropouts who scam on teenage chicks and steal and run crystal meth houses, y'know, beat up kids, rob, lie, possibly kill.

Murderface: Awesome!

Mitch: Let's go, rich bitch!

Bobby: Hey, fuckin' throw down some cash, we're getting Seth a fuckin' lap dance.

Mitch: Yeah, rich bitch!

[Dethklok is at a strip-club for Seth’s Bachelor Party, and Pickles is being danced on by two girls]

Stripper: How 'bout a H-Job?

[Pickles looks miserable]

Skwissgar: Heys, Pickle! Try nots to gets Hepastitis Cs from dats! Yeah, those girls are pretty skankys.

Nathan: Yeah, those girls are...I'd do 'em.

Skwissgar: Yeah, I do dems too.

Pickles: [nervously] Should we call it a night?

Seth: Oh no you fuckin' don't, I just fuckin' ordered shots!

[After hearing Seth's speech at his wedding rehearsal dinner, Pickles is trying to escape over a fence outside the restaurant.]

Nathan: He's trying to escape, get him!

Pickles: Nooo! Nooo, noo, let me go!

Nathan: [grabs him] What, you were gonna run away and leave us here?!

Pickles: I didn't know! I didn't know! I didn't know it was gonna be like this! I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know—[Murderface punches him several times.] Stop hitting me!

Murderface: Can't help it! [punches him again]

Pickles: Did you hear that speech, everybody's on his side, they — let's leave...let's leave now, let's go! Let's go!

Nathan: Don't be stupid, Pickles.

Pickles: Did you hear him, talkin' about Dethklok business endeavors—

Nathan: I know, Pickles, I know, look; we can't leave. Not yet. [pause] It's just too funny.

[All the band members except Pickles chuckle]

Murderface: It's too hilarious!

Nathan: Man, it's really good...

Seth: Hey, Pickles! I need your uh, y'know, credit card for a second.

[There is a pause before Pickles starts trying to climb the fence again.]

Nathan: He's getting away again, get him!

Pickles: [desperately] No! No! No—

Skwisgaar: Huh, the mid-west. Whoa. A bunch of Swedes cames over two hundred years ago and got fat and ugly. Heh, I loves it.

Toki: [drunk] Aaaaw, you know it! Haa hooo! Fats and ugly- [gags and spills his drink]

Skwisgaar: [annoyed] Takes it easy on the sauce.

Toki: Aw, yous... takes this on the sauce, yous nots the boss of me. I gonna go gets schnapps, you wants one?

Skwisgaar: Yeah...

[Drunkenly talking to an elderly woman]

Toki: Mes gonna do solo albums. All Toki. It's gonna be called Toki... IS THE KING!!! Oh, hold on. Mmm- [gags] Oh I got to throws up- [gags] throws up and takes a nap. [throws up on his suit] GOOD NIGHTS! [passes out]

[Pickles is brutally beating his brother at his wedding reception]

Nathan: This is great. This is some good drama.

Murderface: You can't pay for this.

Nathan: You can't. It...it simply is.

Murderface: It's like an eclipse or something, it's just, you gotta be there.

Skwissgar: Guys, we gotta leaves, the cops is here!

Toki: The pig sirens is goin' off, scramble!

[Pickles, who has been sitting atop his brother and punching him, looks up]

Murderface: I've never seen so much blood at a wedding. Awesome.

Nathan: Yeah, you really beat up your brother.

Pickles: But I feel bad for him.

Nathan: But you just said you hated him, why would...eh.

Pickles: Yeah, I mean, I hate him, but...

Skwisgaar: Ya but it's not unsposed to make sense. For you see, wes are aimless, hate-filled animals, scamperings away into the nights.

Toki: That's rights. For you see, that's what families is. Peoples whats you hates.

Pickles: Yeah, I guess you're right.

P.R. Klok (2.08)

Toki: Oh, Pickle don't look good. Pickle looks scared!

Liz Bane: He's fine. This is outstanding exposure.

Nathan: Who the hell is this lady?

Toki: Oh, that's Pickle new P.R. lady.

Nathan: She's not a groupie?

Toki: No.

Nathan: Never mind then.

Pickles: [drunk] AND THE WINNER IS "CINNAMON BUNS!!!" STARRING PICKLES THE DRUMMER, DIRECTED BY VODKA AND BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! [collapses]

Murderface: Why don't we just start our own P.R.?

Skwissgar: Yeahs, all its is telling somebody something. And thats what I does right now.

Nathan: Yeah. And we should do it with the 3 of us right?

Murderface: Yeah let's do it.

Skwissgar: Yeah, let's do that.

Toki: Hey, how comes you don't asks me? The 3, it's the 4 of us.

Nathan: You were all the way over there, you- you we weren't even- we couldn't even see you.

Toki: I just heard everythings and i want to be parts of it too.

Skwissgar: Tokis, yous toos lates. That's what you gets for trying to play video game.

Toki: WHAT'S TOO LATE!?! I STANDS RIGHT HERE! You just excludes me on purpose, you know it!

Nathan: That's bad P.R. right there.

Nathan: We want our own PR person, like Pickles has.

Ofdensen: But I am a PR person.

Murderface: But we want a real PR person.

Ofdensen: I am a real PR person.

Skwisgaar: No, we wants a reals PRs person!

Ofdensen: I am a real PR person--

Toki: But we wants a lady!

Ofdensen: I am--fine.

Host: And look who's here, it's the guy who's everywhere now, Dethklok's drummer Pickles--

Pickles: (waving liquor bottle) Yeeah, woo-hoo!

Host: --along with his publicist Liz Bane.

Pickles: How ya doin'?

Host: His face is everywhere these days. People are calling you the most popular member of Dethklok. How does that make you feel?

Pickles: I got two words: drunk and horny.

Liz Bane: You've been behind that drum kit for way too long, Pickles. This is your time. It's time... for Pickles.

Murderface: Now, publicity is all about being seen.

Nathan: Yeah, okay, okay, that's a good point, because what I was gonna say is publicity is all about being seen.

Murderface: That's what I just--I thought I was running this meeting, you're just repeating!

Nathan: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right, please.

Murderface: We need to get our faces out to where everybody can see us--

Skwisgaar: Likes Pickle on TV!

Murderface: Exactly! But everybody goes on TV--

Nathan: Yeah, everybody goes on TV, everyone does, you're right.

Murderface: Yes, just my point, everybody goes on TV--

Nathan: Everybody's already on there, why would you wanna do that?

Murderface: Yes--

Nathan: Go, go the other way.

Murderface: Grr... yes. We need to go where--

Nathan: Where nobody's gone yet.

Toki: Oh, radio!

Nathan: Toki, get outta here, you're not in the PR club.

Toki: It's stupidest PR club, it doesn't work!

Murderface: THANK YOU JUST I'M RUNNING THIS MEETING! WE NEED TO... just somewhere that's not on TV. FUCK! (throws laptop)

Skwisgar: What are they gots there grapesdrink?

Nathan: Yeah they're drinking some fucking grape drink that's awesome.

Toki: Oh grapesdrink.

Murderface: That's a pretty fancy grape drink.

Skwisgar: How comes theys gets to have grapesdrink?

Nathan: Yeah how come we can't have any fucking grape drink? That's fucking not fucking fair.

Liz Bane: Pickles you're late, we have to hurry.

Pickles: Ok.

Liz Bane: Time is running out.

Pickles: Ok.

Liz Bane: This is our destiny.

Pickles: Ok let's just play this show and get out of here. We got any songs with destiny in the title?

Nathan: Ummm, no, but I can stick it in it doesn't matter no one can understand what I'm saying anyway.

Dethcarraldo (2.09)

Skwisgaar: Gives to me this waterproof guitar that makes sure can floats.

Toki: And gives me waterproof guitars what shoots out bugs repellsgents.

Skwisgaar: Gives to me magic gloves whats can makes my hands fly.

Toki: Oh, gives to me opposites werewolves that turns to humans whens the moons comes outs.

Skwisgaar: Gives to me the swords that glows, which shows me which way that is north.

Toki: Oh and gives to me battleaxe what shows which way's south!

Skwisgaar: Stops copys me.

Toki: You stops copys me.

Skwisgaar & Toki: [at the same time in constant rhythm, sometimes getting faster] Stops copys me! Stops copys me! Stops copys me! [repeats]

Pickles: Oh oh, we gotta get some bait! They got pretty big fish down there, get some big worms, and... you know what, get snakes. Snakes are the biggest worms out there.

Ofdensen: I'm sure there'll be plenty of snakes down there. It's the Amazon.

Pickles: There you go, penny-pinchin' again.

Murderface: Did you know there's an Amazonian catfish that can swim up your pee and lay eggs in your ding-dong?!

Pickles: OK, that's it, I'm done eating, alright, just... augh... that's gross!

Murderface: You can mock me but watch out when you pee!

Pickles: Just back off, alright? This is a horrible combination of beef jerky breath and repulsive information, OK? I'm not interested.

Murderface: Fine, but you've been warned. You've been warned, Pickles!

Murderface: [Sunbathing naked] Feel that jungle air, wind just whistlin' through...

Skwisgaar: Hey, I makes some sandwiches...[Spits out sandwich and drops plate] Oh, Murderface!

Pickles: Oh, man...MURDERFACE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Murderface: My god, you are so repressed.

Pickles: It's got nothin' to do with repressed!

Skwisgaar: How abouts this, I solves the problem--puts your shirts back on!

Pickles: Okay, your wiener, it's disgusting how it's all gnarled, it's like you stuck it in a hornet's nest!

Murderface: Well I happen to play bass with it, there's callus buildup.

Pickles: I don't need to look at it!

Murderface: It's like Amazon boat-rash or something. Can I please just take a leak before I pull my shorts up?

Pickles: Fine, go ahead, but just promise to never do this again, okay?

[Murderface turns around and pees over the side of the boat]

Pickles: Oh god, now I can see your ass! It's like cottage cheese!

Murderface: Just let me do this...

Skwisgaar: Quick questions, do you shaves yours ass, because you gots a lots of stubbles goings on there.

Murderface: Quick answer, fuck you!

Pickles: Work out or something, that's a problem area.

[Parasites swim up Murderface's pee and into his penis]

Murderface: AAAAAARRRRGGH!!!

Murderface: [whispering] Hey, whatcha readin' there?

Nathan: [whispering] Nothin', just...hey man, why don't you brush your teeth?

Murderface [whispering] You can't brush your teeth in a library, that's ridiculous.

Pickles: [excitedly] They're getting yopo!! If we're gonna die, we're gonna die high!!

[after Nathan reads that his grandmother ate his grandfather in a cannibal soup]

Murderface: Ate her husband in soup...

Pickles: That is so totally Cannibal Corpse.

Cardinal Ravenwood: Beware! General. General Crozier. You are dead.

Dethgov (2.10)

Murderface: [talking about being governor] We don't fill out paper work, and fill out government forms, and wear suits and ties like...grr, dildos! [realizes; to Ofdensen] No offense!

Ofdensen: None taken.

Senator Stampingston: Nathan Explosion is now the governor of Florida!

Crozier: This is an outrage, how can we stop this?

Orlaag: Consider what the people would do, General.

Stampingston: I think it's time that we go to purple alert! [a purple light begins randomly blinking and a buzzer sounds whenver the light is shone]

Ofdensen: Being governor has its advantages. You could be quite powerful.

Nathan: Oh really?! And I could just put all my friends in charge of everything, and I could just rape and pillage the economy, and line my pockets with money, and I could go mad with power?

Ofdensen: You actually could do that, you know... it's technically-

Murderface: I WANNA BE IN CHARGE OF THE NATIONAL GUARD!

Nathan: Alright you got it!

Toki: I WANTS TO HELPS PEOPLE!

Nathan: YOU GOT IT!

Murderface: I NEED A SECRETARY!

Nathan: YOU GOT IT!

Pickles: I WANNA BE THE AMBASSADOR OF CHINA!

Nathan: YOU GOT IT!

Skwisgaar: I wants no parts of dis, dis ams craps! Governments!

Pickles: Dude, Skwisgaar, you know that Florida has the highest population of old ladies in old lady homes?

Murderface: You could be in charge of old... you know what!

Skwisgaar: Then, I WILLS BE IN CHARGE OF DATS! DEMS OLD LADIES!

Nathan: YOUUU GOT IT!

Nathan: Get me the weather burrow...uh, bureau.

Weather Official: But that's where we are, sir.

Nathan: Excellent, outstanding, good. I command you to destroy the hurricane.

Toki: Yeah, use your weather controlling machines!

Weather Official: People can't destroy hurricanes, sir.

Nathan: Alright, uh... Knock it off course. Do that.

Weather Official: I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.

Nathan: Dammit! We've tried everything.

Murderface: Not EVERYTHING... (everyone stares at Murderface)

Murderface: Well, not EVERYthing. I mean, not LITERALLY "everything"...

Nathan: Well, I didn't mean literally everything.

Murderface: You SAID literally everything!

Ofdensen: Have you activated the emergency alert system?

Toki: Oh I hate that, that "beeeeeeeeeeep!"

Nathan: Oh yeah, that "beeeeeeeeeep!"

All Members: "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"

Nathan: Nope, no way.

Weather Official: All alert systems have been looted and robbed.

Nathan: They stole the "beep?!"

Toki: Why woulds they steals the "beeps?"

Murderface: People are so low.

Pickles: I'd steal that.

Nathan: What the fuck do you guys even do here?

Weather Official: We name the hurricanes, sir.

Pickles: You name the hurricane, that's your job?

Weather Official: What should we name this hurricane, sir?

Nathan: Name the hurricane. Huh. Uhhhhhhhhh....hmmmmm. How about....uh...Scrambles? Scrambles the...uhh...the Death Dealer.

Old Man: [staring at Nathan Explosion's statue] Best fucking governor Florida ever had! [gets shot]

Nathan: [holding a press conference] What am I supposed to be saying? What am I supposed to be saying? Hey, what am I supposed to be...oh right right right. That governor guy, he said I shouldn't have a holiday or something? Fuck him, right? Fuck that guy.

Nathan: I swear to govern the fuck out of this piece of shit state! Now lemme hear your guns!

[Toki goes mad with power and abuses his aide.]

Toki: Jumps out the window! Finds me a paper clip! You dos what I say or I haves you all killed! Now shits your pants!

Nathan: Toki, your boner is showing.

Dethrace (2.11)

Nathan: This race is a total catastrophy. [referring to Murderface; who is still feeling the effects from his pill and playing bass with his penis] Let's get him to shit his pants!

Pickles: SHIT YOUR PANTS!

Murderface: [mumbling incoherently, eyes rolling, and drooling] I SHIT MY PANTS!

Dr. Gibbons: Gentlemen, the ego of the bass player is fragile. His emotional insecurity is triggered by the perception that he is unloved, inadequate, and worthless. Just look at William Murderface. Frightened, scared, hate-filled—the perfect specimen of devolution—cro-magnon brow, distended jaw, clammy hands, buckled stomach, back pimplage, hitchhiker thumbs, hammer-assed, fallen arches, chicken-plucked legs, sandpapery, eczema-styled skin, dry, unkempt triangle hair. This creature...devolved...whirling in that mess of self-hatred bubbling inside. This pathetic insecurity will cause him to want to be in control, of course this will be overridden by his dominant laziness, lack of concentration, and possible bipolar disorder, which should make for a most disastrous NASCAR-type theatrical hybrid event.

Murderface: Oh, it's like a Nascar...type...theatrical...hybrid event! With cars!

Ofdensen: So it's a car race?

Murderface: Yeah!

Ofdensen: I'm confused, you want to do a car race?

Murderface: Yeah....well- but no! Not just a car race, a car event! It's like Medeival times...

Ofdensen: Okay, so there's like knights, and horses, and jousting-

Murderface: No! Well, maybe, maybe! But-...guys help me out here...

Pickles: [reading a newspaper] I'll help you out...Murdeface is trying to tell you...his idea....about....you know...whatever...

Murderface: Thank you Pickles.

Ofdensen: What does this have to do with Dethklok?

Pickles: We are Dethklok!

Murderface: I'm in Dethklok!

Pickles: I'm Pickles the drummer

Nathan: I'm Nathan Explosion, from Dethklok

Pickles: I'm Pickles the drummer from Dethklok it's me telling it to you.

Ofdensen: I know! But what does this have to do with the music?

Murderface: Who cares about the music?!

Ofdensen: Well your audience cares-

Murderface: Well, fuck the audience, FUCK THEM!

Ofdensen: Are you guys truly on board with this idea?

Nathan: [short pause] Yeah, I could take it or leave it.

Pickles: Me too.

Ofdensen: Good day then. [leaves]

Murderface: Fine. Motherfucking fine! It's my time to shine and you're jealous! Nothing can stop me from producing the world's greatest...Nascar-type theatrical hybrid event the world's ever seen! [Nathan and Pickles give Murderface no attention whatsoever] Oh, fuck.

[Skwisgaar and Toki are getting dropped off at Mr. Gojira's Driving School]

Nathan: Okay give me a call when you need me to come pick you up, do you guys have your phones?

Skwisgaar: Yeah.

Toki: Yes.

Nathan: Okay, eat all your lunch and dont talk to anybody. There's weirdos out there.

Skwisgaar: Yeah.

Toki: Yes.

Nathan: Okay, goodbye, study hard! [drives off]

Skwisgaar: Hey Toki. I bets yous a millions billions dollars thats I will be a better driver than yous.

Toki: OH! I bets yous a krillions billions thats I will bes the best, ands the fastest!

Skwisgaar: No way! Yous are on!

Toki: Let's go! [runs out in the street as cars whiz by him; the camera cuts to Skwisgaar as you hear a bunch of crashes occur]

Skwisgaar: Whoa! Look out! Ha ha! Oh...that's funny...

Ofdensen: Murderface!

Murderface: Oh hi!

Ofdensen: What are you doing in here?

Murderface: Just getting my work done.

Ofdensen: Getting your work done- well what work are you doing right now?

Murderface: Uhhhh, you know, for the show. Everything.

Ofdensen: Alright, well the impression I'm getting from you is that you don't know what you're doing.

Murderface: [muttering] No I don't. Yeah, that's true.

Ofdensen: You're very late approving all the production design. Do you know that?

Murderface: Yeah.

Ofdensen: Okay, you have to do that.

Murderface: Yeah.

Ofdensen: And you- you've looked at the schedule?

Murderface: Yeah!

Ofdensen: Okay, and what do you th-

Murderface: [uninterested] Fine.

Ofdensen: Y-you approve the schedule-?

Murderface: It's approved!

Ofdensen: You have a press conference... in five minutes. Okay, this is the associated press, alright? You know who that is?

Murderface: Yeah.

Ofdensen: It's a lot of people, alright?

Murderface: Associated press...

Ofdensen: They're confused by your idea.

Murderface: Confused...

Ofdensen: So you have to set them straight. Okay?

Murderface: Yeah.

Ofdensen: And you'll remember to do the insurance?

Murderface: Yeah, I got it.

Ofdensen: You should do that now.

Murderface: Yeah, I'll do it now.

Ofdensen: Okay? We'll do it right after the press conference, okay?

Murderface: Right after the press conference.

Ofdensen: Okay.

Murderface: Okay!

Ofdensen: I did my job.

Murderface: Okay!

[Toki and Skwisgaar are forced to watch a video depicting horrible auto accidents]

Announcer: Driving a car can be fun, but sometimes it's dangerous. Drinking and driving seems like a fun way to pass the time, maybe it isn't such a good idea. If the good Lord wanted us to drink and drive, we would've been born with smashed faces. Private Joe's going to have to spread your guts to the side of the road. That's okay, blood makes the grass grow. Say, you wouldn't happen to have an extra-big spatula, would you? Billy's got some eggs. Eggs that are his intestines. Where's Glenda? Late again? She'd better drive extra fast. Oh no, her tits are on Oakdale Street and her brains are on Willow Drive. That's two block away. Long way for tits to be away from brains. He's still clutching the steering wheel...with his face! Eyeballs, anyone? Wonder what he was thinking? Well, look at his brains, maybe that'll tell you.

[the video ends]

Mr. Gojira: Alright! Let's drive and have some fun!

Press Person: Wait, I don't understnad, this is supposed to be what...a Nascar-type Theatrical Hybrid Event?

[Toki, Skwisgaar and Mr. Gojira are in the student car,their light is green]

Mr. Gojira: Please pull forward now.

Toki: No, I-I lets that guy go first.

Mr. Gojira: But now it's your turn.

Toki: After this guys.

Mr. Gojira: You have right of way!

Toki: After that guy. You-you gos head!

Mr. Gojira: Let'sa go, douchebag!

Skwisgaar: Leaves hims alone!

Toki: [weeps] I can'ts do it!

Mr. Gojira: You bothes failds your driving tests-o.

SKwisgaar: Buts dats uns-possible!

Mr. Gojira: No it isn't! You didn't drive anywhere!

Toki: It's scary!

Mr. Gojira: I know! You told me!

Skwisgaar: Where'ds dids I fail?

Mr. Gojira: You wouldn'ts even sit in the front-o seat-o!

Skwisgaar: IT'S TOO SCARY UPS THERE!

Mr. Gojira: How do you expect to drive back-seat-o?!

Skwisgaar: RACIST!

Toki: Yeah, racist!

Mr. Gojira: Yeah, well fuck you two, I'm leaving!

Revengencers (2.12)

Ofdensen: Alright, so you all know we are in the middle of building a hospital for the victims of this, uh, public relations disaster.

Nathan: Oh god, that's pandering!

Murderface: Pandering!

Ofdensen: Well I don't see it as pandering, it's a hospital for horribly injured victims of, uh, these explosions.

Skwisgaar: Hey! Thats not ours faults, we didn'ts do that!

Ofdensen: Well, they are your fans, and they, uh, have been badly injured, some killed, uh, trying to buy your, uh, collectible coffee cups. Maybe you could show a little compassion.

Murderface: Compassion?!?

Nathan: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! I got no sympathy for anyone! I got one of these darn summer colds. I mean, where is my benefit concert? I mean is there anything worse?

Murderface: See that's something you have compassion for, summer cold. You can relate, you can relate to, see you can't relate to your arms being blown off! You can't!

Ofdensen: Well, uh, maybe being blown to bits is worse then a summer cold?

Nathan: Oh come on...

Skwisgaar: Mr. Robotos whens dids yous comes so carings about stuffs? Ares yous drunks or somethings?

Ofdensen: No i'm not drunk, I'm just, uh, trying to, you know, repair your image.

Murderface: Repair our image with health care!?

Nathen: (mumble)

Toki: Why's we's gots to spends our hard earnds money on medical stuff for peoples we don't even know.

Nathan: Oh god this mother fucking eye gouging cock sucking mother fucking summer cold. Its driving me crazy over here!

Nathan: Hey...our show's gonna be bad..because I have a cold...so does Skwisgaar, Murderface, Pickles and....[spotlight shines on Toki] uhhh......ummmmm.....we'll just play one song.

Murderface: [while in a sauna] Hey maybe we oughtta, up the anty as they say in the medical business? [reading his Medeival Medical Arts book] Blood letting is the ancient inuate art of draining all the bad blood out, and letting your body generate the new blood, hey yoU! Go get some buckets and some blood-letting knives!

Edgar: These are the moments that define us... [to Assassin] You seem preoccupied. What bothers you?

Assassin: [looks at a picture of Ofdensen] This man. He must be killed and made an example of in front of the world. I will crucify him!

Edgar: Be patient. We must strike at the right time or we could risk losing everything. [to the teenager] Excuse me, I need to get by you. Do you want a burrito also? No? Two burritos for me.

Assassin: If we kill him, they will have no one to hide behind.

Edgar: And when Dethklok plays at the hospital, we will be there, and we will take them down!

Doctor: You're not dying, it's just a cold.

Nathan: I think we are dying. I really don't feel great.

Doctor: Did you ever have colds before?

Nathan: No.

Toki: Can'ts you gives us injections?

Murderface: Yeah, use your fancy degrees, asshole!

Doctor: Take it easy, all right? No drinking, no partying...[grabs a cigar from Pickles] Gimme that cigar!

Pickles: That's my cigar...

Doctor: Just take it easy. Go the sauna, sweat it out, and relax, okay? Take it easy. Idiots.

[Dethklok is attempting to use leeches to cure their summer colds]

Pickles: Hey guys, how are your guys doing? You know, your leeches?

Skwisgaar: [using leeches to create the appearance of black sideburns] Looks at me, I'ms Elvis Presleys!

Nathan: [using leeches to create a thin Van Dyck] Hey, look at me, I'm that guy from, uh, that movie where the guy wore that mask, and, uh, Natalie Portman was in it...

Toki: [laughing] Yeahs, it's just likes him! It's awesome!

Nathan: Check it out. [laughs]

Pickles: [using leeches to create the appearance of eye black] Look, I'm a professional NFL football player!

Skwisgaar: [using more leeches to create a mustache] Hey, looks at mes! I'm Leech Charlies Chaplins!

Murderface: You're Leech Hitler!

Nathan: Hey, Murderface, do like a Leech Al Jolson.

Murderface: OK, Leech Al Jolson, coming up! Gimme more! [reaches into the leech bucket and throws a handful onto his face, completely obscuring it except for the eyes and mouth, and begins singing à la Uncle Remus] Mammy! I'm from Alabam-ie! [normal voice] Leech Al Jolson!

Nathan: Now, that guy was an entertainer.

Murderface: Oh, you got that right!

Toki: Yeah, he was the first greats blacks entertainer!

Klokblocked (2.13)

Nathan: Hey guys. You know I'm gonna start dating again, and I just thought...welll I'd like you to try your best not to fuck that up for me. There. I feel better having said that. [leaves]

Ofdensen: Hey uh...Nathan. I uh...understand you're experiencing a little bit of uh...girl trouble. [Nathan gives no response] Just wanted to lend you a shoulder to uh...you know to uh...you...you seem like you're okay. For the record I tried. [leaves]

Toki: Slut! She sluts! Look at her!

Murderface: Take it easy, man. You don't call women bad names, man, that's women. You gotta respect them.

Pickles: What are you talkin' about?

Murderface: What?

Pickles: Nothin', I just always pinned you as a classic woman-hater.

Murderface: That's disappointing, Pickles, that you would just blindly label a person like that. That's just pretty disappointing.

Skwisgaar: Well, you ams the ones who walks around saying they're, I don't know, poisonous serpents with tits.

Murderface: Yeah, so?

Pickles: What do you mean, yeah so? You said that about women and now you're defending them a lot!

Murderface: Okay, fine. Look, you guys. I may have said some kooky things about the ladies, but that was before. You've gotta defend their honor. Like a hero.

Pickles: And?

Murderface: And what?

Skwisgaar: Ya, you defends their honors in the eyes of the womens, and then what happens?

Murderface: Well...then they sleep with you.

Pickles: Ah yeah, I knew it!

Skwisgaar: That's his angles! Rights theres!

Toki: Ooh, busteds!

Murderface: Oh, come on.

Pickles: Another cheap ploy to trick the girls into sleeping with you by pretending to be valiant!

Murderface: So?

Skwisgaar: Classics Murderface!

[playing Scrabble]

Pickles: Go Skwisgaar it's your turn. Go, go go go go go!

Skwisgaar: I ams going, holds on. I ams thinkings. Uhh, okay, is this a words? Q-U-H-Zs-K?

Toki: Quhzks! That's whats the duck says!

Pickles: Alright whatever, quhzks. That's 1-2-3-[muttering]... Fifty-two points, [impressed] fifty-two points, that's good.

Woman: [to Murderface] Why don't you make like a bass guitar and be inaudible?

[Murderface just jumped in the way of the oin extractor preventing it from impacting Nathan's crotch.]

Nathan: Wow...I never actually knew that a cock-block could save your life...thank you Murderface.

Murderface: That's okay man, I'm a hero. I'M A REAL HERO!

Dethsources (2.14)

Charles: Sorry I'm late, I was addressing the new uh, klokateers...

Murderface: Hey. Hey.

Charles: You know, potential-

Murderface: Hey!

Charles: Yes?

Murderface: Gimme fifty thousand dollars.

Charles: Well uh, what do you need it for?

Murderface: For fucking Doritos! What difference does it make?!

Charles: Well you've uh, been given your hundred thousand dollar allowance for the week, so-

Murderface: So what?! Come on fucking give me my money, man! Cough it up! [continuing to talk over Charles] Aww, fuck that, why can't I have my fucking money?! That's mine!

Charles: All of you are wasting money by not having finished this record, that's a big deal guys, you're doing anything but recording! All right? That's what I'm-

Nathan: So what, by sitting here, we're wasting money?

Charles: Yes.

[long pause]

Nathan: We should be saving money by not doing anything, not wasting it!

Pickles: Yeah, that doesn't make sense! Are you sure you know what you're talking about?

Charles: [annoyed] Yes, I do know what I'm talking about, you are killing your own business!

Murderface: Oh God, you're boring me to to death with business! God!

Charles: Well this isn't boring to me guys, all right?! I want you all to listen up! This is important stuff, all right?! If you continue to not record, your money, YOUR money, will continue to dwindle!

Nathan: How do you know that?

Charles: How do I know- Because it's my job to know! I work with money, it's my job!

Pickles: How long have you known that our money is dwindling? I mean, it sounds like you're keeping stuff from us, right?

Toki: He's keepings it!

Skwisgaar: Yeah, he's keepings it froms us.

Murderface: Yeah, it's very suspicious.

Charles: No, I'm telling you about it right now, that's what I'm doing, I'm telling you about these things.

Nathan: Yeah, but how long have you known about the stuff that we don't know about that you're starting to tell us about?

Pickles: [suspiciously] Yeah.

Charles: Look I've tried to keep you guys in the loop of the business, I have many times, but-

Murderface: BUT WHAT?!

Charles: ...But you guys have a very short attention span.

Nathan: [offended] NO WE'RE NOT!

Charles: No you're not what- Wh-What does that mean- That's not even a response to what I was saying!

Murderface: Quit confusing things!

Pickles: No we're not!

Toki: No we's not at all!

Charles: You're not what?!

Toki: He's gots to admits it! He's on the ropes!

Murderface: Yeah!

Charles: We're arguing two different things here!

Murderface: Well we're not!

Health Inspector: All right, listen up! First things first. The conditions down here are repugnant! It's infested with rats, moles, and some strain of flesh-eating virus.

Nathan: Pretty metal.

Murderface: Pretty metal.

Health Inspector: Oh is it? Your staff is dying down here. Is that metal?

Murderface: I hate to say it, but, yeah.

Nathan:: Yeah, not to be contradictory but it's very metal.

Health Inspector: (pause) Is it metal to have your drains clogged with dead, rotting employees?

Nathan: Yeah. It is, actually.

Murderface: Metal.

Health Inspector: Is it metal to have easily avoidable work-related accidents the cause of death?

Murderface: Yeah, again, metal.

Health Inspector: Is it metal for none of you to care at all?

Nathan: Yeah it's way more metal if we don't care about it.

Health Inspector: Well... I guess I uh didn't know all that stuff was metal. Anyway, follow me.

Charles: I've grown quite accustomed to working with Dethklok, and, uh, you'd probably have to kill me to get them away from me. This is good brandy. Really good brandy.

Dethdad (2.15)

[the band is blowing up guitars like fireworks and throwing firecrackers around]

Nathan: [to Pickles] Don't give Murderface any firecrackers, we just have to hold them.

Murderface: [walks over] Hey, can I have a firecracker?

Pickles: You know what? I think there's some over there. [points to a blank patch of grass]

Murderface: Where? I don't see any. [bends over muttering, Nathan lights a firecracker, and puts it in Murderface's pants] There's no firecrackers. [the firecracker explodes] AHHH! THAT FUCKING HURTS!

Nathan: They're down there somewhere, just keep looking.

Murderface: Alright. [bends over again, Nathan lights another firecracker, sets it in Murderface's pants and it explodes] AHHHH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DID IT AGAIN!

Nathan: Murderface.

Murderface: [slight pause] What?

Nathan: You gotta find these firecrackers, they're down there somewhere.

Pickles: Yeah, they're in the grass, look!

Murderface: I can't see 'em.

Pickles: Smash your face into the grass and look hard. [Murderface looks some more, while Nathan lights yet another firecracker and sets it in Murderface's pants] There you go, now you got it. [it explodes]

Murderface: OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER, OW THAT HURT!

Skwisgaar: So's. Your dads gots the Bigs K: Cancers.; [Toki remains in a catatonic silence]; Skwisgaar: Just gonna stares at me for a while or uh...; [still no response]; Skwisgaar: Looks I don't know what's to says, you're staring at me, I'm just looksing at you and you just stands there likes a fish! [walks over] Hey Toki, let's hears you say somethings positive!; [puts a finger in Toki's mouth and imitates him speaking]; Skwisgaar's Immatation: Yeah, it's not so bads after alls.; Skwisgaar: There you go!; Skwisgaar's Immitation: Who needs a fathers anyways?; Skwisgaar: Dats right! I don't really gots a dad, do I?; Skwisgaar's Immitation: Yeah, you never knows your father's!; Skwisgaar: That's right, Toki! I never...never really uh...[suddenly depressed] Oh...I don'ts...I don'ts have a father.
Skwisgaar's Immitation: Oh come on Skwisgaar. You cans cheers up.; Skwisgaar: [angry] I don't wants to! I wants to bes in a bads mood! GETS OUT OF HERE!

Ofdensen: You know, Toki's kind of in a fragile state of mind right now. He could really use your support.

Murderface: Ah, don't let him fool you. He's tough as nails.

Pickles: Come on, you don't think Toki's gonna freak out or anything, you know, like do something-- should we hide the guns?

Ofdensen: Well I wouldn't go that far,I think he's just a little sad.

Murderface: He's gonna kill himself?

Pickles: No, I mean he might kill us.

Murderface: He's the one to do that, he's a strange-- I don't trust him.

Nathan: He's fucked in the head.

Murderface: He's fucked in the head. I don't trust him and--

Toki: [walks in] Hello.

The Band: AHHHH!

Nathan: Don't fucking do that to me.

Toki: Gots to go to Norway now, sees my dad die... Sees ya.

Skwisgaar: See yous laters, Tokis, haves a greats time.

Pickles: Oh yeah, and say hi to your dad from us. I mean, if he doesn't die before you get there. Well, y'know, say hi to his corpse I guess. Y'know? I don't know.

Nathan: Yeah, no matter what happens, say hi.

[after the band states they can't go with Toki because they needed to record the album]

Ofdensen: Okay. Off to the recording room. Chop chop. Let's go. To the studio. Let's go. Get up. We gotta record...

Murderface: :[a firecracker just exploded in his hand] That's my bass playing hand!

Pickles: [sarcastic] Uh-oh! There goes the band!

Nathan Explosion: You know I actually am looking forward to going to Norway. It is the birth place of Black Metal. It's gonna be fun..[to Toki]..I mean aside from your dad...dying slowly from cancer....how you doing with that by the way?

[Toki gives no response, as the camera shows him in an intense state of mind as intense music plays]

Murderface: My dad's dead. He killed my mom then he killed himself, didn't affect me at all.

Pickles: How's it gonna affect you? You were just a baby.

Murderface: I was never a baby! I had to become a man then and there!

Nathan: You're still a baby now.

Murderface: A baby with a man's heart! I'm...a warrior.

Pickles: My dad is just like a stare and say nothing weirdo, and if he died...well, ya know? What are you gonna do about it?

Nathan: I actually get along with my dad. You know, we drink a lot of beer and we go hunting. If he died...whoa...That'd be fucked up. But hey. [nudges Toki] It's your dad that's gonna die. My dad's safe!

Stampingston: Toki Wartooth's father is on his deathbed. Gentlemen, our psychological death expert, Dr. Ralphus Galgensmelter.

Galgensmelter: Toki Wartooth has become a messenger of death. Everything he touches with his love will die! FOR he brings death with him like a blackened cloud, hovering in the cold. Night. Sky. Like the Grim Reaper himself, his guitar is his scythe. He...cascades into the open window of your child's cradle, to suck the very life...from your baby's breath.

Crozier: What a load of horseshit.

[the band, while sightseeing in Norway, go to a Black Metal store.]

Toki: This is my olds friend, Vrunkus Snorge.

Vrunkus: Well, if it isn't the commercially successfuls Toki Wartooth.

Nathan: Guy seems like an asshole.

Vrunkus: I am pagans dropped in this conservative hell that is Norway.

Pickles: Man, what the fuck are you listenin' to?

Vrunkus: This ams a demo tape from my band Hestekuk, what means "a horse's dick". Do you like it?

Pickles: I dunno, it's okay.

Vrunkus: Then I hate it!

Nathan: Hey, where's all the Dethklok albums?

Vrunkus: I don't sell them. [scoffs] Too digital.

Murderface: [reading a pamphlet about Norway] Hey did you know that Norway has the lowest murder rate in the whole world? The lowest in the world?!

Nathan: Wait a minute, you mean the murder rate in Canada is higher than Norway?

Murderface: Yeah.

Nathan: Oh my God, that's lame! This place is lame.

Murderface: Admit it Toki, Norway's not brutal.

Nathan: Danbury, Connecticut is more brutal.

Pickles: Yeah, dude. Tomohawk, Wisconsin, it's way more brutal. At least we got crystal meth!

[Toki's father has just fallen into a river]

Toki: Oh, he sinks into the darkness!

Snakes N Barrels II (Parts 1 and 2) (2.16)

Dr. Chesterfield: My drug is still alive in the systems of the now sober, members of Snakes N' Barrells. I however, have a grave warning: There is a long-term side effect, a terrible and desructive side-effect. With enough stimulus, the drug living in their fat cells will ignite.

Stampingston: Spontaneous human combustion!

Dr. Chesterfield: Not quite. Blue phosphorous snakes will shoot forth from the orifices of the users, and they will go mad with rage.

Orlaag: All of their orifices?

[long pause]

Dr. Chesterfield: I'm afraid so...

[Nathan and Skwisgaar are at a sober rock concert, at a beverage stand]

Nathan: What do you want like a shot or whatever?

Skwisgaar: Yeah, whatsevers gets us drunks the fastest.

Nathan: [to the guys behind the counter] You, hey you! Right there, vodka, two doubles.

Skwisgaar: Gives to us deh bottles.

Nathan: ...'cause we got lots of cash.

Clerk 1: Fellas, it doesn't actually work that wan, man.

Clerk 2: Not that way man.

Clerk 1: But I'll tell you what. [whispering] You guys like shots?

Nathan: Uh, yeah sure fine.

Clerk 2: How 'bout this guys? How about a totally cool shot of ice-cold mountain water?

Clerk 1: Oooh.

Clerk 2: Chilled with, cucumber slices?

Clerk 1: Or maybe you're feeling zazzy? How 'bout some of this, sparkling cherry-applesauce drink?

Clerk 2: How 'bout you,Tonto? You look like you have a taste for things south of the border. You like margaritas?

Nathan: [muttered] Uh-huh.

Clerk 1: I think that's a yes!

Clerk 2: If you love margaritas, why not try some...lemonade?

Nathan: This is bullshit! Don't fuck with us! You got alcohol?

Clerk 1: We have something better!

Nathan: What would that be?

Clerk 2: An apple, God's alcohol.

Nathan: [leans over the counter and starts beckoning them] Hey could you come here really quickly? Both of you come here, I just wanna tell you something...

Clerk 2: [both clerks lean over the counter] I'm right here.

Clerk 1: What's going on?

Nathan: I just wanna tell you something...

Clerk 2: Closer?

Nathan: Yeah, a little bit, little bit closer.

[they lean closer]

Clerk 1: Hi.

Nathan: Hi.

[Nathan grabs them fast and begins to slap them multiple times, giving one of them a bloody nose]

Clerks: Ow ow ow ow ow!

Nathan: [pulls them to his face] Don't ever fuck with me and alcohol, got it?

Murderface: TOKI, I'LL KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!

[Murderfacehas been looking for Toki in payback for his prank]

Murderface: There you are, you scumbag!

Toki: [stomping the annoying fan's face into the ground] I'LL KILL YOU!!! [Murderface gapes in astonishment and fear. Toki turns towards him with an insane look] WHATS THE FUCKS DO YOU WANT, MOTHERFUCKER?!?!?!

Murderface: .... What's up bro? What's happenin', huh?

Dethrecord (2.18)

[discussing Murderface and Tokis song]

Murderface: So wait, just so i understand, you're all passing on Takin' it Easy?

Nathan: Yeah, We pass.

Murderface: I can't even begin to believe that. You know what! Fuck YOU! I'm keeping that song for Planet Piss.

Toki: So I'ms in Planet Piss now?

Murderface: NO! Fuck you, you're not in Planet Piss! You fucking greedy asshole! No.\

Toki: I'll fucking sues you Murderface! Thats mine!

[Toki grabs a basket of hot towels]

Muderface: What?! What are you fucking doing!? (inaudiable) Are you going to throw a basket of hot towels on me?!?

[Rest of band looks on]

Toki: Yes I'm going to throws the basket of hot towels at you!

Murderface: I don't think you should!

Toki: Why not?

Murderface: Because, those towels are really hot!! Don't fucking throw hot towels you lunatic!!

Knubbler: Sorry guys, wrap for the day. Cuttin' ya loose, we'll be back.

Nathan: Where you going? You getting food? Get Indian!

Toki: Oh, gets sushi!

Pickles: Get some fucking French toast this time, you cocksmokers!

Murderface: I'm sick of French toast!

Knubbler: We're not getting food, guys.

Murderface: Why not?!

Skwisgaar: We are goings to records my guitar part, and it may be the most dangerous things I ams ever dones.

Toki: Then whys you dos it?

Skwisgaar: Because I ams a tones-chaser.

Nathan: That'd be funny if he said he was a squirrel-chaser. That'd be funnier, you know. Pickles, squirrel-chaser!

Pickles: [clearly annoyed] Yeah, I know.

[Toki is reading a book about how to record songs]

Toki: Okay so this ams the buttons that makes it records, and this ams the button that makes it stops records, and this ams the button that will makes it erase all of Skwisgaar's guitar tracks. [pushes the delete button] OH NO, WHATS HAS I DONE?!

[tries to play Skwisgaar's guitar solo]

Toki: I can'ts plays it! It's too damns hard! Skwisgaars always makes it so hard! Damns you stupid, slow, stubby fingers, don'ts looks at me! Awww shucks...whats am I goings to do!?

[later, Skwisgaar and Knubbler are in the recording room]

Skwisgaar: Hey Knubblers, still jazzed about hows greats dat recordings went. Mind playing me a couple of deh tracks?

Toki: [with great worry] uh why's do dat? Hey, let's alls gets lunch - my treats! Let's get out of this stuffy place. Let's get outta--let's just get outs of this room! Come on! GOS! GO!

Knubbler: Here you go, Skwisgaar. [pushes play, the track starts playing Toki's version of the solo]

'Skwisgaar: WHAT THE FUCKS IS DAT SOUND?! SOMESTHING IS WRONGS HERE! ISOLATES MY GUITARS TRACKS! [the solo is playing very bad; Skwisgaar glares at Toki]

Toki: AHH! I'M SORRY'S, IT'S MY FAULT! I FUCKS IT ALL UP! Don'ts kicks me outs of deh band, I'lls do anything! I'LL SUCKS YOUR DICK!

Skwisgaar: Toki! Pulls yourselfs together!

Toki: I fucks it all up!

Knubbler: Shit Skwisgaar, I really should have backed those sessions up.

Toki: YEAH YOU SHOULDA BACKS THOSE SESSIONS UP!

Knubbler: You'd do well as keep quiet, all right?! Shit SKwisgaar...you know what this means right?

[they re-record SKwisgaar's solo by skydiving again]

Murderface: [in a tantrum about Dethklok passing on 'Takin' it Easy.'] You know what? Fuck you all! THat's right! [flips them off individually] Fuck you! Fuck you! AND FUCK YOU! What are you doing, Pickles? [camera cuts to Pickles' camera phone shot recording Murderface on his tantrum] ARE YOU FUCKING RECORDING ME ON YOUR CAMERA-PHONE, MOTHERFUCKER?!

Pickles: [puts it away] Yeah, sorry I will put that away it's not appropriate.

Black Fire Upon Us (2.19)

Skwisgaar: Are you drinking straights vodkas right now?

Toki: Don't worrys about it.

Skwisgaar: Toki, it's like noons.

Toki: Oh thanks Bigs Bens, nows I knows whats times it is. I knows what I'ms doing.

Skwisgaar: Toki, drinkings ain't a contest, you know that?

Toki: Get offs my back!

Charles: Moving right along-

Nathan: Hey, hey! Listen, I actually would like to get serious for a moment, okay? If I could?

Charles: Very well.

Nathan: I uhh...I think it would be in the band's best interests to hire a uh...Buddhist Yoga...instructor guy dude.

Pickles: Ohhh yeah. Yes I second that.

Charles: Uhh, oh really? What because uh...you guys are interested in yoga? Spiritual guidance or-

Skwisgaar: No, because we-

Nathan: YES! YES! We want spiritual things.

Charles: Is that really the reason?

Nathan: Yup. Right guys?

Murderface: I thought we... OHHHHHHH....Right!"

Skwisgaar: Yeaaaah...

Charles: I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why do you need this?

Nathan: We'd like to be able to reach things a little bit better.

Murderface: Right.

Charles: To reach things?

Murderface: Yeah reach...things.

Charles: To reach things.

Nathan: Yup. Conversation over.

William Murderface: Hey mama...Follow me if you want to live.

Nathan: Such a shame, she's so hot, but so fucking crazy.

Toki: Yous just figures that out? All the hots ones is crazy!

Nathan: Huh. Guess you're right.

Toki: And deh ugly ones too.

Nathan: [climbing down a ladder with a drunken Toki over his shoulder] I'm only saying it because you're so drunk that you aren't gonna remember it and you won't tell on me for givin' a shit about your life, but man you've been fuckin' way too drunk lately.

Toki: Hey Nathans, is the real reasons ya tells me this is because ya cares about me?

Nathan: Oh God...

Toki: Ya caaares about me...

Nathan: No, Toki, don't do this to me right now and don't throw up.

[Toki throws up]

Edgar Jonfru: [approaches Skwisgaar and Pickles with a shotgun] This is where it all ends. [loads shotgun]

Skwisgaar: We're deads!

Pickles: Skwisgaar....before we die...

Skwisgaar: Yes, my friends?

Pickles: ...I- I did it...

Skwisgaar: Whats are you talkings about?

Pickles: [crying] Last night. I did it. I sucked my own cock last night!

[slight pause, Skwisgaar gives no response to Pickles, who pulls himself together and looks at Edgar]

Pickles: I can die now.

Metal Masked Assassin: I want you to stay alive! I want you to stay alive while I torture you! I want you to feel the pain...

[the assassin is about to kill Ofdensen; Nathan knocks the assassin in the head with a large piece of wood]

Nathan Explosion: That's my bread and butter you're fucking with!

External links

Wikipedia

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Metalocalypse (season 2)