Men Behaving Badly is a British sitcom that was created and written by Simon Nye. It follows the lives of Gary Strang (Martin Clunes) and his flatmates Dermot Povey (Harry Enfield) (series 1 only) and Tony Smart (Neil Morrissey) (series 2 onwards). It was first broadcast on ITV in 1992. A total of six series were made, along with a Christmas special and three final episodes that make up the feature-length "last orders".

Series 1

Episode 1: "Intruders"

Gary: Oh, yeah. I left your teabag in.

Dermot: I thought my tongue had fallen out for a minute.

Gary: Well, you won't be needing your tongue now that Lisa's ditched you, will you?

Dermot: We're supposed to go on holiday together. I've already bought my flip-flops.

Gary: You can't afford a holiday.

Dermot: Yes, I can. Tax rebate.

Gary: Tax rebate? You've never stay in a job long enough to pay tax.

Dermot: Well, maybe they'd give you money back if you collected enough P45s. I'll buy Lisa a fabulous present. Something with a lot of straps.

Gary: Aren't you forgetting something?

Dermot: Do I owe you some of this?

Gary: No, dummy. You owe me all of it. And if you buy so much as a newspaper with it. I'll nail your head to the fridge. How am I supposed to keep this mortgage up if you don't pay the rent?

Dermot: You could always sell one of your kidneys.

Gary: You're really upset about that girl, aren't you?

Dermot: Hm.

Gary: Do you, uh... You want to talk about it?

Dermot: Yeah, I wouldn't mind.

Gary: Yeah. Well, it's always going to be sad when you first split up with somebody, isn't it? And you remember all the little things you used to do together. What was she like in bed? Was she a moaner or a squealer?

Dermot: Oh, leave it out.

Gary: All right. If you don't want to talk about it. (Clears throat) I'm cooking tonight, what do you fancy?

Dermot: Anything that takes my mind off sex.

Gary: Hmm. Toad in the hole? Couple of dumplings? Something wobbly in an oyster sauce?

Dermot: Yes. Okay, thanks.

Gary: Snap out of it. You've got a new job to look forward to today.

Dermot: Great.

Gary: Selling is a very challenging occupation.

Dermot: I'm no good at it.

Gary: I'll tell you what. If you drop in at the office at lunch time, you can give me the money you owe me and I'll teach you how to deal with the public.

Dermot: Well, I thought I'd just, sort of, let them mill about.

Gary: Mill about? What's supposed to happen then?

Dermot: Well, I hope they, you know, go home.

Gary: Dermot, I can't work it out. You're either very stupid or you're very, very stupid.

Dermot: Is Dorothy coming over tonight?

Gary: Mm. I don't know. She just turns up these days. I'm gonna dump her.

Dermot: Why?

Gary: Well, we've been going out together for two years. She's warn out.

Dermot: Ah.

Gary: I mean, she used to rather enthusiastic in bed.

Dermot: Then she met you.

Gary: Yeah. No. I mean she knows what I like, I know what she likes. After a while, you want it the way you like it.

Dermot: But with someone else

Gary: Yeah.

Dermot: So, how are you gonna tell her?

Gary: (inhales) Well, I have to make it look like it's her decision.

Dermot: Mm. Start with the moody silence, eh?

Gary: Yeah, yeah. I'll give her a couple hours' moody silence.

Dermot: Loll your head a bit.

Gary: Yeah, yeah. Loll my head. Moody silence. Then I'll ask her for my keys back, say I need a bit of time to discover myself. She'll say: "That's it. Our relationship is going backwards. Let's call it a day." Then I'll look shattered.

Dermot: Call her a cab before she changes her mind.

Gary: Yeah. Good idea. And I'll stand in the window all, sort of, tearful, waving the cab off, my little eyes all wet, lip all quivery. Then you and me can go get a pizza.

Dermot: That sounds very fair. That's the thing, isn't it? I mean, 20 years ago, when men had no respect for women, they just used to say: "You're chucked." But, now we do respect them, we have to lie to them sensitivity.

Gary: Ask the butcher to cut the liver into the thinnest slices possible. Crush the peppercorns into a pestle and mortar if you have one. Well I haven't got one, Delia. Oh. If you haven't got one use the back of a spoon.

Dermot: Don't say that speck of dust got back into the house again.

Gary: How'd it go?

Dermot: Oh. I'm knackered. I fell asleep against this woman on the bus. She was all right until we got to Oxford Circus and I started dribbling on her shoulder.

Gary: Slice that, will you? Don't tell me your-- your new employers didn't offer you a cigar and a seat on the board.

Dermot: They didn't offer me any kind of seat. I was standing up all day fantasizing about sofas.

Gary: Well, it makes a change from your usual fantasies about semi naked women in bits of white underwear.

Dermot: Not really. These sofas already had semi naked women in them. They squeezed up to let me sit down.

Gary: That's your trouble. You're obsessed with sex.

Dermot: Well, that's your fault. You keep on giving me suggestive food. What are you cooking anyway.

Gary: Well, it's basically an adaptation of a Persian dish and a rather subtle juniper sauce followed by jelly and ice cream.

Dermot: With hundreds and thousands?

Gary: Yeah.

Dermot: I need something to take my mind of Lisa.

Gary: Yeah.

Dermot: I taught her all my best beer-mat tricks, you know. Why did she leave me?

Gary: Perhaps you shouldn't have slept with her best friend.

Dermot: Mm. Women don't like that much, do they? Her teeth went all clenched, like in Dallas. Is this mine?

Gary: Nope.

Dermot: Good. I'm gonna change.

Gary: Well, change into something useful, like a curry.

Gary: Hey, I think a woman's gonna move in upstairs. I found a letter addressed to someone called Deborah.

Dermot: Great. What's it say.

Gary: How should I know? It's private. Actually, I did accidentally steam it open and read it. Her mother enjoyed her holiday in France but the weather was a bit disappointing.

Dermot: France, eh? (Imitates French accent) Bonjour, Deborah. Je m'appelle Dermot. I am sensitive and artistic.

Gary: Have you got the sharp knife in there?

Dermot: Yeah, it's on the side. I'll bring it out in a minute. Yo! Get down, bitch.

Gary: Dermot! Oh, I see. It's a duvet. Well, silly old me. I thought for a moment you'd spent all the money you owe me on a new suit, you piece of scum.

Dermot: I'm looking after it for a friend.

Gary: No, you're not.

Dermot: All right. It's an investment.

Gary: No, it isn't. It's a bloody new, bloody suit, you bastard.

Dermot: It's not my fault. Whenever I see a cheque, I go out of control. I'm the same with tight black skirts, actually.

Gary: This is my money we are talking about here. What would you say if I emptied your wallet and went out on a spending spree?

Dermot: I'd say, "What can you buy these days for an old library ticket and a picture of Lisa bending down on Brighton Beach?"

Gary: Shut up. Well, what else have you bought for yourself?

Dermot: Nothing.

Gary: Well, what's in that bag?

Dermot: Oh, it's-- it's a cookery book.

Gary: You expect me to believe that, do you?

Dermot: You're always saying you're tired of me cooking the same thing all the time.

Gary: (sighs) Yeah, all right.

Dermot: Not that there's anything wrong with fish fingers Sur La Toast.

Gary: Take those stupid sunglasses off.

Gary: That's something women find hard to believe, isn't it? To men can have a quiet evening on their own, enjoying a thoughtful and civilized conversation.

Episode 2: "The Bet"

Dermot: That fat bloke pushed his way to the front again.

Gary: Isn't that Richard Gere?

Dermot: You've left it a bit late, haven't you? She's probably off to see this new bloke now.

Gary: No, she saw him last night.

Dermot: That must be why she was looking so knackered.

Gary: If you must know, they were up late playing chess

Dermot: Is that what she told you?

Gary: What's that supposed to mean?

Dermot: No, you're probably right actually. When you first start seeing someone, you can't stop playing chess with each other, can you? You meet to go to a movie, have a quick game of chess before you go, rush home afterwards have another game of chess. Possibly in the shower, when you're all soapy. Then in the morning, you play with each other's pieces again. Even if you've woken up in the night and whopped your bishop out. Then you see her bending over to do her shoes up, and you can't resist giving her a right good chessing before she goes to work.

Dermot: Bye, Graham, nice to meet you. Must have a game of chess some time.

Graham: Sorry, I don't play chess.

Gary: What?

Graham: I don't play chess.

Gary: Oh, you "don't play chess"?

Graham: No, I don't

Gary: You, don't play chess! HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAY CHESS WITH MY DOROTHY!

Graham: Well, I'm sorry.

Gary: GET OUT OF MY FLAT, THE PAIR OF YOU!

Graham: [to Dorothy] Is he always like this?

Gary: GET OFF TO YOUR POXY HOSPITAL, AND DON'T PLAY CHESS TOGETHER! GET OUT!

Dermot: Don't mind them. We could have a game of chess if you want to.

Episode 3: "Sex & Violence"

Deborah: No, it's not that. You're leaning on my hair.

Gary: Oh, sorry.

Dermot: I'm just showing you what it would be like if you went out with me.

Deborah: Yes, but it never stays like this. How long would the flowers last? A week? A month?

Dermot: They'd last forever. They're plastic.

Episode 4: "Animals"

Dermot: Get in there, my son!

Gary: Get out, Dermot.

Dorothy: Get out!

Episode 5: "Sex And Violence"

Episode 6: "My Brilliant Career"

Dermot: Deborah, hi. Come in.

Deborah: Thanks, I can't stay long.

Dermot: Right.

Deborah: Well, what's wrong, Dermot? Normally you ask me out twice before we've even reached the kitchen.

Dermot: Got the sack today.

Deborah: Oh, no. Why?

Dermot: Had an argument with a customer.

Deborah: Well, if that was a sacking offence, I wouldn't have any staff.

Dermot: Well, it wasn't just an argument. I picked him up and dangled him by his feet until he stopped calling me Mr. Stinky.

Deborah: This is a child, isn't it?

Dermot: Yeah. Children in that toy department can be so hurtful.

Deborah: Well, I think I would've let you off with a warning.

Dermot: I'd already had a written warning for calling another one a stunted little turd.

Deborah: Well, maybe you shouldn't work with children.

Dermot: No. This was an old lady in the china department.

Deborah: Maybe you shouldn't work with human beings.

Dermot: Do you need anyone in your restaurant?

Deborah: Oh, Dermot. I don't know.

Dermot: You said you were short-staffed.

Deborah: Well, you've got a record of dangling people by their ankles.

Dermot: No, thats it. I'm through with dangling.

Deborah: Well, have you worked as a waiter before?

Dermot: Yeah.

Deborah: Where?

Dermot: Tiny place in Scotland. It's closed down now.

Deborah: Oh, well. I suppose we could give you a try.

Dermot: Oh, brilliant!

Deborah: (Grunts)

Dermot: Didn't even have to wear my lucky interview underpants.

Deborah: No! You've just got to get your face out of my neck.

Dermot: We're sharing a magic moment.

Deborah: Oh, speak for yourself, Dermot.

Gary: Put her down, Dermot. You're making a fool of yourself.

Dermot: She's just given me a job.

Gary: Thought you already had a job.

Dermot: Got made redundant.

Gary: You're never made redundant. You're always fired.

Deborah: Hi, Gary. Nice day at the office?

Gary: Oh, pretty standard. George spent the day showing me how to make a model windmill out of paperclips. Anthea had a nervous breakdown in her lunch hour, fortunately. And I filled my briefcase with yogurt.

Dermot: Oh, Billy Banana flavour. My favourite.

Deborah: Well, I must go. I came to ask you if you could move some of your things out of the garden shed to make room for some of my stuff.

Dermot: Sure. What do you got?

Deborah: Oh, a lawn mower, tools.

Dermot: What, gardening things?

Deborah: Yes, Dermot. How do you cut the grass?

Dermot: We just sort of flatten it down.

Gary: It seems to stop growing after a while.

Deborah: Right.

Gary: How did you persuade Deborah to give you a job?

Dermot: Told her I had experience.

Gary: Have you?

Dermot: Not yet.

Gary: Look at your work record. What a mess!

Dermot: These are my wilderness years like Churchill and Gary Glitter.

Gary: I bet Churchill was never kicked out of Securicor for leaving the keys in the ignition while he did a bit of shopping.

Dermot: There was a sale on.

Gary: You've got no ambition, have you?

Dermot: Have.

Gary: I'm talking about careers, Dermot. Not your ambition to clash glands with Linda Lusardi. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

Dermot: Rock guitarist.

Gary: Yeah.

Dermot: What, you too?

Gary: No, no. Manager of a small engineering firm.

Dermot: Funny, isn't it? The crazy dreams we once had.

Gary: Crazy.

Dermot: I reckon I could still be a guitarist, you know? If I learnt to play guitar.

Gary: For a while, I wanted to be that little girl on the test card playing noughts and crosses

Dermot: Yeah. Well, didn't we all?

Gary: Mm.

Dermot: Then after that, you want any job where there's lots of women around.

Gary: Mm-mm.

Dermot: I wanted to be choreographer for Pan's People. Sent off for details, actually.

Gary: Mm. My parents just wanted me to have a respectable job.

Dermot: Oh, you've done all right, then.

Gary: Yeah, yeah. Nothing wrong with my career. I'll give it my best years to high quality security equipment.

Series 2

Episode 1: "Gary and Tony"

Dorothy: That's what I love about going out with you, Gary, it's an endless orgy of glamour and entertainment.

Gary: Dorothy's usual, please, Les.

Les: Refresh my memory.

Dorothy: Vodka in a chipped glass with a dribble of flat tonic and an aftertaste of cigarette ash.

Les: Oh, yeah. I remember now.

Gary: I've had some bad news. Had a postcard from Dermot. He's not coming back.

Dorothy: Have fallen in love with a croupier called Letizia. We're going around the world on her Yamaha. Is that an organ?

Gary: No, it's a motorbike.

Dorothy: Send my Polynesian love ball and other important items to my mum. Sell everything else, my saucepans, et cetera, to cover what I owe you. Thanks. Generous of him.

Gary: Well, it would be if his possessions weren't worth precisely £16.47.

Dorothy: What does he owe you?

Gary: Eight hundred and sixty two quid.

Dorothy: Weather lovely. Rimini has a body shop. Oh. Oh, donkey, having sex with another donkey.

Gary: Why doesn't anybody take me around the world?

Dorothy: Cause they know they'd have a crap time.

Gary: I've been writing an ad for the newspaper.

Dorothy: Let's have a look.

Gary: You'll use it as an excuse for a cheap laugh.

Dorothy: I will not.

Gary: You always do.

Dorothy: (tuts). Ah, looks fine. You don't think Jacuzzi's pushing it a bit, do you?

Gary: Why?

Dorothy: You haven't got one.

Gary: No, but if you whoosh to the shower attachment in the bath, it's just like it, honestly.

Dorothy: Don't you think you should put bath with shower attachment you can whoosh round a bit?

Gary: Too many words.

Les: Yeah. (chuckles) I'll tell you how you can get a Jacuzzi when you're in the bath. (Chuckles)

Gary: Les, are you going to say what I think you're going to say?

Les: (chuckles) Yeah.

Gary: You see, I don't want to attract the wrong sort of person.

George: No, Marjorie and I talked about taking lodgers in, but she was scared of congestion on the stairs.

Gary: God, yeah, scary.

George: So, we thought about (grunts softly) letting out the room downstairs next to our living room.

Gary: Isn't that your kitchen, George?

George: Yes. I think that's why we decided against it in the end.

Gary: Anyway, these questions should weed out any unsuitable candidates.

George: Oh, er, ask me one.

Gary: Oh, really. Grow up, Dermot. Wow, Obi-Wan at last we meet.

Clock: Get up, you lazy bastard!

Episode 2: "Rent Boy"

Deborah: What does it say?

Tony: We want sexual rights, and we want it now.

Anthea: My nephew's gay.

Episode 3: "How to Dump Your Girlfriend"

Tony: Oh, come on. People say strange things in their sleep. You ordered a pizza once.

Tony: Did you send this?!

Gary: Well, you told me where she worked, you said you wanted to chuck her.

Tony: Not by fax!

Episode 4: "Troublesome 12-Inch"

Gary: Oh, like a date sort of thing. That's what you wanted the change for earlier, isn't it?

Tony: No, I wanted to get a packet of fags.

Gary: Hey, Tony. I can't stay away, can I? (Chuckles) You know that record I brought you? I've had a rethink.

Tony: Oh, well, I've already sold it to another collector.

Gary: Well, get it back.

Tony: I can't. He's probably sold it himself by now.

Gary: Well, what am I going to tell Dorothy?

Tony: Well, you said it was your record.

Gary: I was lying.

Tony: Well, what's the point of lying to me?

Gary: I'm sorry. I've sort of got the habit of it with Dorothy. What am I going to do?

Tony: Why don't you just tell her you sold it for her as a surprise?

Gary: No, she'd say I was going to keep the money for myself.

Tony: Weren't you?

Gary: Of course I was. I'm not a bloody charity, am I? Besides, it's got sentimental value. She'll be upset. She still hasn't forgiven me for burying her gerbil alive.

Tony: Uh, hang on. Look, you're in luck.

Gary: Oh, great.

Tony: Yeah, except it's the normal edition.

Gary: Oh. Never mind. It'll have to do. Thanks, Tony. You've saved my life.

Tony: Gary?

Gary: Yeah?

Tony: 15 quid.

Gary: It's not that worth much.

Tony: Yeah, I know. I'd like you to let you have it for less, but I know you're desperate.

Episode 5: "Going Nowhere"

Gary: Help. Help.

Deborah: (yells) Help!

Episode 6: "People Behaving Irritatingly"

Dorothy: Just relax, Gary.

Gary: I'm perfectly relaxed. Will you stop using all my bloody water?!

Series 3

Episode 1: "Lovers"

Gary: I once turned down an eightsome, which is like a threesome plus a fivesome.

Gary: Let's face it, Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is that if you're both marooned on a deserted island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.

Gary: Does this office have to sound like an episode of Little House On The Prairie?

Anthea: Well, we're a bit like that, aren't we? Little Office On The Prairie.

Gary: Don't be twee, Anthea.

Episode 2: "Bed"

Episode 3: "Casualties"

Episode 4: "Weekend"

[on the way to the countryside]

Dorothy: Maybe I should move down here.

Gary: Nah, you'd miss the sophisticated city talk.

Dorothy: What, you and Tony discussing the most comfortable pants you've ever had?

Gary: That's a bit unfair. Oh, look at those lovely hedges... so what are the most comfortable pants you've ever had?

Episode 5: "Cleaning Lady"

Gary: You bastard.

Tony: Oh, bastard, is it? Well, at least I'm not a dork and that's what she called you.

Gary: Ah! She doesn't know the word "dork". Ha.

Tony: Well, she looked it up in a dictionary, and she couldn't decide between "dork", "jerk" and "berk".

Episode 6: "Marriage"

[on his daffodil present to Deborah being thrown away]

Tony: Excuse me! That was a present.

Ray: Oh, yeah, right, I could tell it was from you, it was scrawny, served no obvious purpose, and neither of us liked it.

Tony: Well, I'll have it back then, please.

Deborah: Why?

Tony: I wanna do some cuttings.

Deborah: How can you do cuttings from a dead daffodil?

Tony: You make incisions in the green, middle, stick-y bit, put it in the airing cupboard, couple of days, hey-presto... tulips!

Enter Tony, clutching his groin in pain

Gary: I think I'm getting married.

Tony: I don't think I am.

Series 4

Episode 1: "Babies"

Episode 2: "Infidelity"

Tony: Bye, Dorothy, mate.

Dorothy: Bye, Tony, mate.

Tony: It's so unfair. Well, don't come to me when you're old and wobbly expecting to share my soup!

Episode 3: "Pornography"

[after finding Tony's stash of porographic magazines]'

Jill: Does that really turn you on?

Tony: How can that possib... yeah, it does actually.

Jill: How can it?

Tony: She's naked.

Jill: Yeah, but she's obviously freezing to death, she's sitting on a fork-lift truck feeling exposed, and stupid, and like a piece of meat. How can that turn you on?

Tony: Well, she's naked, look at it.

Tony: Look, it's simple. They just go straight in the bin, over there.

Gary: Look, Deborah, you're a girl...

Deborah: No. I was a girl, now I'm a woman.

Gary: How does that work then?

Gary: Do you know what hurts the most?

Tony: ....Getting your balls caught between two bricks - got to be.

Gary: No, no - do you know what hurts the most about Dorothy and her new bloke?

Tony: Oh sorry, no, what?

Gary: She says she's in love. She never said that with me.

Tony: Oh mate, she doesn't love him. Perhaps he's just better with his knob.

Tony: Gary, you know masturbation?

Gary: Vaguely, yes.

Tony: And you know women?

Gary: Women, yes.

Tony: Well, when they do it, right, they just imagine Richard Gere or Linford Christie or whatever lying on top of them, probably on a mountain top.

Gary: Or in a leafy glade.

Tony: Yeah, something with a girly atmosphere, yeah.

Gary: Whereas all we have to do is reach for your favourite mag and yank yer plank!

Tony: And you know if you push breasts together, they look a bit like a bottom.

Gary & Tony: (singing) I'm a wanker. I'm a wanker. And it does me good like it bloody well should. I'm a wanker. I'm a wanker.

Episode 4: "Three Girlfriends"

Tony: That's not very friendly thinking, I mean it is Father's Day.

Gary: Do you wanna come in?

Dorothy: I'd better not.

Gary: Don't worry, we found out where that faint musky smell came from. It was Tony.

Dorothy: No, I'd just rather be somewhere a bit more neutral.

Gary: Switzerland?

Gary: I've been a Vulcan for 25 years.

Sylvia: Vulcan? Don't you mean "vegan"?

Gary: What, with these ears? [laughs]

Dorothy: I shouldn't have come here, but I...

Gary: I know. You needed a shoulder to cry on.

Dorothy: No. Just needed someone I could feel superior to.

Episode 5: "Drunk"

Tony: [drunk] So, how did you happen upon Les' watering hole? I mean two girls in a pub, by themselves. To me that spells: D - A - N - G - E - R

Girl In Pub: To us it spelt: M - A - R - L - B - O - R - O

Tony: [drunk] Middlesbrough?

Gary: [drunk] Bed? Bed's for sleepy people! Let's get a kebab and go to a disco!

Gary: [drunk] There someone here who wants to say hello!

Tony: [drunk] Hello!. Bye!.

Gary: [drunk] That was Tony!

Gary: [drunk] Time, gentlemen, please! Haven't you got homosexuals to go to?

Tony: [drunk] I am kneeling... I am kneeling... on the floor... outside the pub...

Tony: [drunk] DEBORAH! I (*beep*)ING LOVE YOU! COME DOWN! I WANT YOU!

Tony: [drunk] Can I give you a scone, and some protection?

Deborah: Why do I have to live above two drunk morons?

Tony: [drunk] You don't! Who says you do? Just stay here in your flat.

Gary: [drunk] And then we tried to leave again, but this woman came in and said if we could fix her car. And would you believe it her car needed a whole new gearbox.

Episode 6: "In Bed With Dorothy"

Optician: What about contact lenses?

Tony: Ooh, no, no. I couldn't have something up against me eye. You know, right there, staring at me.

Optician: I would imagine it's no more uncomfortable than wearing a condom, say.

Tony: How d'you wear a condom on your eye?

[talking about pain thresholds]

Gary: I mean, look at the fuss women make about child birth. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't smart a bit, but if blokes did it, I reckon you'd be looking at, what, give birth, have a couple of Paracetamol, maybe a bit of a nap and then back to work within the hour.

Episode 7: "Playing Away"

Dorothy: Rearrange these words to form a sentence: Tony, and, Gary, are, morons, witless.

Tony: Morons are witless, Tony Gary... and?

Dorothy: Nearly.

Deborah: Who wanted the painkillers?

Tony: Oh, me, ta.

Deborah: What's wrong?

Tony: Toothache, little son of a bitch tosser down at the back...

Deborah: Did you see the dentist?

Tony: Mmm, yeah.

Deborah: What did he say?

Tony: I can't remember it was in 1986.

Tony: Maybe I should go on this creative writing course, I was always dead good at poetry at school. "I wandered lonely, as a clown, that flows on high o'er shoes and grass, when all o' the once I spied a crow, a hostess of goldy daffs"

[after pulling out a tooth and blood pouring from his mouth, Tony calls the hospital]

Tony: Eyo? An I beak u Goyothy, pease? Goyothy. Gee, Oh... No, Gee, ike in Gog. Gee, Oh, Jee. Jee, ike giraffe. Yeah. O! Dorothy, oo arole, le e eplain! Dorothy! Dorothy!... Eyo, Dorothy. I ust pulled by ooth out. I ondered if oo ould ing e some ainkillers om the ospiyall affer oor hift. Yeah. I'm in uite ayot o pain. Yeah. I eel a bit faint, yeah. I ink I'll ave a i down. Yeah, bye.

Series 5

Episode 1: "Hair"

Dorothy: Well, first there was Clive, the one they call Dances With Trousers Down. Then Dermot.

Gary: Did I tell you he's got a job at Euro Disney testing the rides?

Dorothy: You see? And now Tony.

Gary breaks the news that Dorothy is moving in

Tony: But she'll want me to move out. I got nowhere to go. I like it here, mate. You can't release me into the community!

Tony: Dorothy.

Dorothy: Tony.

Episode 2: "The Good Pub Guide"

Tony: The pub.

Gary: The Crown?

Ken: I'm Ken. The new, um.

Gary: Landlord?

Ken: Landlord.

Gary: What's happened to Les?

Ken: The brewery sacked him.

Tony: Why? He was a brilliant landlord.

Ken: He kept forgetting to open up at lunchtimes.

Episode 3: "Cowardice"

Gary: What exactly do lesbians do?

Tony: I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.

Gary: Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?

Tony: And one lies on top of the other one, and...

Gary/Tony: ...get off again.

Gary: Brilliant.

Tony: Fantastic.

[Deborah leaves Judy at the bar with Tony]

Tony: So how are you two lesbians? Ladians, er... ladies.

Judy: Sorry?

Tony: Are you sleeping with Deborah? Erm... are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah, at the same time on whatever basis?

Judy: Yes, just for a few days.

Tony: What... kind of things do you get up to?

Judy: Y'know, just running around together.

Tony: Naked?

Judy: "Naked"?

Tony: Oh, I'm sorry, I've got this disease that makes me say the wrong word.

Judy: What's it called?

Tony: I don't know. I live underneath Deborah.

Judy: Oh, lucky you, must be nice and warm.

[Tony looks shocked]

Tony: Do you eat food?

Judy: Why?

Tony: I was wondering if you'd like to go for a meal with me sometime.

Judy: I don't think so.

Tony: Any particular reason why?

Judy: Just a question of taste I suppose.

Tony: Okay, your lifestyle choice.

[Deborah returns from toilet]

Tony: That'll be one pound sexy, er, sixty.

Episode 4: "Your Mate v Your Bird"

Tony: I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.

Deborah: Tony, you don't love me. You just want to have sex with me.

Tony: ...Well, we could start from there. And from that acorn our love could grow into a big...thicket.

Episode 5: "Cardigan"

[Gary, Dorothy, Deborah and Tony are in a car, lost whilst looking for a rave]

Dorothy: I've had enough. I'm turning back.

Gary: [drunkenly] Had enough? Turning back? Are you mad? Are you... madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle? Are you!?

Deborah: Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.

Gary: No! Absolutely no; we're having a brilliant time! It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet, now that's very fashionable - I read it in a magazine, of, er... well some sort [pauses] or other.

Episode 6: "Rich & Fat"

[Gary & Tony are drunk and playing Monopoly; Tony is rolling the die]

Tony: Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?

Gary: I think it's just fornopoly

[they sit back and Tony uncovers his belly]

Tony: You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.

Gary: Yep

Tony: It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.

Gary: With a big wobbly dome

[Gary jiggles Tony's belly]

Tony: Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber".

Gary: Or, "Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims". Do you want another oyster?

Tony: No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.

Gary: [as oyster] "No we don't!"

[both laugh drunkenly]

Episode 7: "Home-Made Sauna"

Series 6

Episode 1: "Stag Night"

Dorothy: We always said if we ended up as one of those couples who watch television in bed, we'd split up.

Gary: (still watching) Close the door quietly on your way out.

Dorothy: Gary, when I was away, did you sleep with a woman?

Gary: How do you mean "woman"?

Dorothy: A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "shirt potatoes".

Tony: Gary, if I was a girl, with a girl's bottom and everything, would you marry me?

Gary: Course, mate.

Tony: Ta, mate!

Episode 2: "Wedding"

Episode 3: "Jealousy"

Deborah: How come you can't drive, Gary?

Gary: Some people were born to drive, and some people were born to be driven.

Dorothy: Some people were born to be run over.

Episode 4: "Watching TV"

Gary: You know Felicity Kendal?

Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.

Gary: She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?

Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.

Gary: You know the Magic Roundabout?

Deborah/Dorothy: Yes?

Gary: What the Hell was that all about?

Episode 5: "Ten"

Dorothy: You know my nephew's coming to stay.

Gary: Yeah, why can't he stay in a hotel like normal people?

Dorothy: Because he's 10.

Gary: Isn't there a "kiddies" hotel we could put him in?

Tony: Debs, will you do me a favour?

Deborah: What?

Tony: Will you have sex with me in a tree?

Tony: (to Jonathan) So, do you like Thomas The Tank Engine? He's good, isn't he? Eh? With his face. All flat and blue.

Gary: Puff, puff.

[to Dorothy's ten-year-old nephew, Jonathan]

Gary: Grow up to be a decent member of society.

Tony: Play lots of sport.

Gary: Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.

Tony: Mmm, except Debs' mum.

Gary: Yeah. Don't help her.

Tony: No. Hinder her.

Gary: Hinder her from crossing the street.

[calling out to Jonathan as he leaves]

Tony: And just remember, eat plenty of celery.

Gary: Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.

Tony: Yeah, except Debs' mum!

Gary: Yeah, except Debs' mum!

[Deborah's mum appears behind them]

Tony: Because she's not old!

Gary: Not old.

Tony: Not in the slightest.

Gary: In any way.

Tony: At all.

Gary: Leg it.

Episode 6: "Sofa"

Dorothy: Gary, you must've had this sofa for 25 years.

Gary: Yeah, and my parents kept the polythene on for the first six.

Dorothy: It's got some horrible stains on it.

Gary: Where?

Dorothy: There. There. There. There.

Deborah: There. Here. There.

Dorothy: There. There. There.

Deborah: There.

Gary: Well, I can't see any.

Deborah: Oh, and what's that, there?

Dorothy: Err.

Gary: Ooh, yeah, that is a bit worrying.

Gary: ...the work thing never really gelled for you, did it?

Tony: Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.

Gary: Well, why aren't you doing that, then?

Tony: You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.

Jingle Balls (Christmas special 1997)

Tony: (singing down the phone)

We wish you a merry Christmas,

We wish you a merry Christmas...

Oh, that's a wrong number.

Last Orders

Part 1: "Performance"

[on Dorothy & Gary's baby attempts]

Gary: I'll tell you a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone though.

Tony: Sure.

Gary: To be honest, I'm having a bit of a problem... performing.

Tony: What, you mean...

Gary: Yeah.

Tony: The fire's burning but the logs not going in?

Gary: Yeah.

Tony: Mr. Toad's still curled up in Toad Hall?

Gary: Yeah.

Tony: The magic bus doesn't want to go to Manchester?

Gary: Thanks, no, it doesn't. Still, it's not a problem, happens to most men, sometime in their life.

Tony: Sure, mate, no, you'll be alright.

Gary: Thanks, mate.

Tony: Doesn't make you any less of a man, does it? Just because... you're a big poof.

[Tony runs away]

Gary: What?

[on Gary's impotence]

Ken: Hello, Gary, I hear the old Boy Scout's not going into the sleeping bag.

[on Gary's impotence]

Tony: I hear there's been a power-cut in the Little Hampton area

[on Gary's impotence]

Dorothy: It doesn't matter, love.

Gary: I know it doesn't.

Dorothy: Well, it does actually, if we're trying to have a baby.

Gary: I've always thought a good name for a folk band would be: "Folk Off And Die, Folkhead".

Part 2: "Gary In Love"

Deborah: It can take a long time to get pregnant, can't it?

Tony: Oh yeah, everything has to be right, the womb has to be in the right cycle; the, um, placebo has to be aligned with the aviary; and the seed must be freed.

Gary: [drunk] You know, I've never said this before...

Tony: [drunk] What?

Gary: "Ibble-wibble wibble".

[both laugh drunkenly]

Dorothy: Gary doesn't understand periods. He thinks they're something to do with the moon.

[Tony is trying to destroy a giant plastic fish with a finger-nail-file]

Deborah: I saw Gary kissing a woman.

[Tony stops filing]

Tony: A woman other than Dorothy?

Deborah: Yes.

Tony: Are you sure it wasn't Dorothy in disguise?

Deborah: Yes.

Tony: Or someone disguised as Gary?

Deborah: Yes.

Tony: Blimey... Wayhey!

Deborah: No, Tony, not "wayhey".

Tony: No, not "wayhey", sorry.

Deborah: Gary seemed really keen on this girl, and Dorothy thinks she's pregnant, it's all a big mess.

Tony: Oh, yes. Still, wayhey!

Deborah: No!

Tony: No. No, not, no.

Deborah: Talk to Gary, he'll listen to you.

Tony: He doesn't do anything I tell him to do, except for his Ken Dodd impression, he doesn't mind doing that.

Deborah: Well, find this girl, warn her off Gary. She's one of the delegates. I think her name's Wendy. Here...

[She takes one of Gary's suits from the cupboard]

...wear this, and mingle.

Tony: Alright, but you must stay, and file my fish.

Deborah: No.

Gary: Dorothy thinks she might be pregnant.

Tony: How do they know?

Gary: I don't know, I think it's something to do with... no, I don't know.

Part 3: "Delivery"

Tony: Are you alright?

Dorothy: Well, let's see, everything's twice the size it was nine months ago and I'm growing another head inside me. Let's start there!

[Gary is drunk and stagger into the office, slamming the door open]:

Anthea: Did you have a nice drink with Tony?

Gary: Tony Posty! Yes, I did, thank you very much. Here, wait, wait a minute, I've always wanted to...I've always to try this.

[He swings on the door then gets off and walks over to his desk]:

Gary: Not actually as much fun as I'd expected.

George: Someone's a bit squiffy.

Gary: Yes, that'll be me. [Anthea starts to leave] No, wait, wait, Anthea don't go, wait, don't go wait, don't... pull up a...a thing, you too Porgie.

[Gary sits on his desk and Anthea and George take two chairs and sits down]

Gary: I've had to get squiffy to tell you this, 'cause in a funny way...I care about you. Now, I know that might sound a bit stupid and a bit spooky and perhaps even a bit... [He puts his hand on his head] God, I'm getting a headache! Right...here goes. I've got some bad news.

Anthea: Is it about the pencils?

Gary: No, just forget about the bloody pencils, Anthea. [pause] The office has to close down in two weeks and we're all out of a job.

[pause]:

Anthea: Oh, I can't see that happening.

George: Nor can I.

[Gary is flummoxed. He picks up a stapler]:

Gary: Look, imagine this is our job. Yeah? Now look closely. [He turns and gestures with the stapler to the window] Job...going out of window. No? Job...window. Window...job. [He throws the stapler out of the window, breaking the glass. Anthea and George stand up in shock]

Gary: That obviously works a bit better better if you open the window first. But you get my point. [turns and notices Anthea and George standing right by him] Oh! There will of course be a redundy package, a rebundancy package. [takes George by the tie and plays with said tie] George, you've been with the company for...eighty three years, you'll get three million and several thousand pounds. Anthea, [He makes his hand into a fist and almost does a "matey" punch on her shoulder] You've been with the company fifty two years, so you get a small castle in Surrey. Well done! [He sits back down on his desk] Don't worry about me, I obviously will find a nice slot with Parks and Spenenser or Tele British Comms. One of the two.

[pause]:

Gary: Shall we hug, would that help? [Anthea and George back away from his stretched arms]

Anthea: Well, right, [clasps her hands together] I'll just get back to work. [She leaves]

Gary: Oh, blast!

'[He walks over to his desk]:

Gary: George...say something.

George: I can't see it happening.

[While grabbing his chair, Gary falls over]:

Gary: [drunk] I'm sorry if I've ever been mean, have I ever been mean?

George/Anthea: Yes

Gary: No, be honest. I think we should be more honest. Or do I mean more sexy?

[Dorothy has been in labour for four hours]

Dorothy: FUCK! FUCK! BASTARD MEN! YOU BASTARD, BASTARD MEN! Sorry, was I shouting?

Midwife: Just a bit. Nearly there.

[knocks at the door]

Dorothy: WHAT FUCKING TIME DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU FUCKER?!

[Gary has just knocked out the midwife with a door]

Gary: [drunk] That's probably normal.

Gary: [drunk] That's alright I'll call the ambulance, what's the number? It's 9 - something.

[Dorothy is in labour; Tony & Gary are drinking lagers]

Gary: Bottoms up. NOT YOU, LOVE!

Tony: You could get a job in a school. Oi, you, get down off that fence! I saw that. Like that.

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Men Behaving Badly

Men Behaving Badly quotes at the Internet Movie Database