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Me, Myself & Irene

2000 comedy film by Peter and Bobby Farrelly

Me, Myself & Irene is a 2000 film directed by the Farrelly Brothers. The film is about a Rhode Island state trooper named Charlie who, after years of continuously suppressing his rage and feelings, suffers a psychotic breakdown which results in a second personality, Hank.

Directed by Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly and co-written with Mike Cerrone.
From gentle to mental (taglines)

Narrator

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  • [A beginning montage of Charlie/Hank is riding his patrolbike] Meet Charlie. Helpful dad. Upstanding citizen. And an 18 year veteran of the greatest law enforcement agency in the land, The Rhode Island State Police. That's Charlie's home. Modest like the man. Even though he lived on the water, Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer. Which will come into play a little later in our story. But i'm getting way ahead of myself. You know maybe it's best if we just go back and beging at the beginning.
  • It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken. Some break down and cry like a baby. Others, they take out an Uzi and climb a clock tower.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans

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  • I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven.
  • Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure.
  • Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.
  • Wanna start me up? Open the choke and pull the cord down. I'm due for Seismic event and you're dancing the fault line.
  • I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.
  • Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you a beer.
  • Had enough? Up yours.
  • Arrivederci, deadwood.
  • That was me. Yeah, big deal. The guy's got his glassjaw.
  • This is my body! Do you understand that? I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank. I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If you back down from something this important, you're nothing at all. YOU'RE NOTHING AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
  • [Driving while singing along to The Dwarve’s MotherFucker song on the radio with Irene paranoidly recoiled as far as possible from him in her seat holding a lawn dart as a potential weapon] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a [repeatedly] Mo... [glances over at Irene looking paranoid] Whoa, whoa, whoa. [Turns off radio] What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'.
  • [When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground] Well fuck my ozone.
  • Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?
  • [After Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop] There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out. [Puts ticket on the windshield]
  • [To Irene] Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart.
  • Ever been bitch slapped?
  • [After Dicky falls on Hank] Warden. I want my own cell.
  • [Being chased by FBI agents] Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
  • Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip.
  • [To Irene] Name's Hank, Hank Evans; for little girls...

Agent Boshane

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  • We just got a report that he put six bullets into a prize cow's head. Poor thing's lucky to be alive. [Charlie's sons look at each other; Lee Harvey raises an eyebrow]

Jamaal

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  • [Referring to father Charlie/Hank to FBI agents] He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!

Shonte Jr.

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Lieutenant Gerke

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  • I've seen it first-hand; the guy's nuttier than squirrel turds!

Mr. Murphy the disabled guy

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  • [Upon leaving gas station store and seeing Hank Evans urinating into the tank of his vehicle] Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch!

Officer Stubie

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  • [To Charlie/Hank's sons after handcuffing him to door of patrol vehicle] I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up!
  • [To FBI agents and police arrived to find him tied to tree with live chicken's head in rectum] Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?

Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Jr.

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  • [Before ending credits] Thanks for watching our motherfucking movie!

Plane towed banner

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  • Will you marry me, bitch?

Dialogue

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Charlie Baileygates: Do you people take checks?
Limo Driver: Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man?
Charlie Baileygates: No, no, no, no, God, no! Your company.
Limo Driver: Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur!
Charlie Baileygates: I never said anything remotely racist!
Limo Driver: Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than?
Charlie Baileygates: No!
Limo Driver: You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie! I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity! [Limo Driver starts whipping Charlie with nunchucks]
Charlie Baileygates: Hey, cut it! Stop it now, Sir!
Limo Driver: Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap!
Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit.
Irene P. Waters: That's sweet.
Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better.
Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too.
Hank Evans: Do you swallow?
Hank Evans: [In the roadside eatery, a kid with glasses is facing backwards in his chair, slurping his drink and annoyingly staring at Charlie/Hank, and then Charlie transforms into Hank] What are you staring at, fucker? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event and you're dancing on the fault line.
Kid's Father: [The father stands and approaches] Hey, what is your problem, pal?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.
Shonte Jr.: Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron!
Jamaal: Shit, man, that shit's simple! Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this.
Shonte Jr.: What? What?
Jamaal: What's a deuteron made up of?
Shonte Jr.: Duh, a proton and a neutron.
Jamaal: Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doing right there?
Shonte Jr.: Shit, I don't know!
Jamaal: Well, get it outta there then!
Shonte Jr.: Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it over here?
Jamaal: Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his motherfucking grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a fuck!
Lee Harvey: Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.
Jamaal: Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you know, he keep askin' questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he's stupid!
Shonte Jr.: I ain't stupid.
Jamaal: Aw, shit, man.
Charlie Baileygates: Mornin', fellas.
Lee Harvey: Oh, hey, Dad.
Jamaal: Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?
Charlie Baileygates: What's all the commotion down here?
Jamaal: Oh, you know, just school shit and shit.
Charlie Baileygates: How's my little guy doing?
Shonte Jr.: Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.
Charlie Baileygates: Ooh, that'd be whack.
Lee Harvey: Man, he so fuckin' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Jamaal: [Bumping fists] Give it up, dog.
Shonte Jr.: Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste!
Hank Evans: Hey, ringworm. [Softball Player looks around] Yeah, I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick up that butt, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?
Softball Player: Hey, man, take it easy. It's just a cigarette.
Hank Evans: Oh yeah? Well, this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.
Irene P. Waters: Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, okay? [Referring to body disposal paraphenalia] I saw your so-called "supplies."
Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
Irene P. Waters: I was talking about the shovel and the lime.
Mrs. Bittman: [Charlie grabs a newspaper and prepares to checkout then a housewife then proceeds to cut in front of him] Excuse me. Charlie. Hey. Mind if I get ahead of you? I'm in a wicked rush. Is that okay?
Charlie Baileygates: Oh. Yeah sure. Go ahead.
Mrs. Bittman: Thanks. You're a doll. Hey kids! Over here, now! [Her two kids then show up with 2 full grocery carts and Charlie then snaps in an existential crisis and then morphs into "Hank"]
Hank Evans: [To woman cutting in front of him at grocery store checkout aisle with her kids bringing a full grocery load after initially claiming she's in a hurry] Vagiclean, huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?
Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. [Grabs cashier microphone and broadcasts to whole store] Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.
Irene P. Waters: I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!
Hank Evans: Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side. [Shrugs] I was horny.
Hank Evans: Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!
Irene P. Waters: Look, I don't know what that means, okay?
Hank Evans: It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan, or old Hank's gonna have to take over for Charlie for good.
Irene P. Waters: Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?
Lee Harvey: Is your old lady happy?
Lieutenant Gerke: Is my old lady happy?
Lee Harvey: Yeah, because if your fuckin' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound pussy.
Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?
Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over.
Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.
[Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station]
Irene P. Waters: What are those for?
Charlie Baileygates: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
Irene P. Waters: What's it called?
Charlie Baileygates: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Lee Harvey: Shit, yeah, man, look, you keep fuckin' around, you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away from you. Be stuck up there at Stanford with those goddamn sling-blade motherfuckers.
Jamaal: Shit, motherfucker, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke, gettin' a 1430 on yo' SATs.
Lee Harvey: Motherfucker, you know I had the flu.
Jamaal: The flu, my ass! You had a motherfuckin' aneurysm to get a 1430!
Guy on Street: Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical.
Hank Evans: Well I guess he likes the cock after all.
Jamaal: Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?
Lee Harvey: 4.08 centimeters.
Jamaal: No, no, what's that in inches?
Lee Harvey: 1.61, man, what the fuck you gettin' at, man?
Jamaal: I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking.
Shonte Jr.: Man, you can't put no chicken egg up his ass, man, look at him, he a tightass.
Jamaal: No, it can be done.
Lee Harvey: Yo. I'll take that bet. [They bump fists]
Irene P. Waters: Hank. I really, really appreciate your help. But is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?
Hank Evans: No problem. And while you're at it, why don't you go climb that pole over there and take a big steamy piss on the power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm going to do that, I'll need total uninanonynymity.
[Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver]
Charlie Baileygates: But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
Limo Driver: She'll be eating blubber all right, just as soon as I free "Willy."
Charlie Baileygates: Will you stay with me, no matter what?
Layla: Of course, Charlie.
Charlie Baileygates: Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me?
Layla: Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens.
Irene P. Waters: So I smoked some pot, what, is that a crime?
Agent Steve Parfitt, FBI: [Hesitates] ... Uh-huh.
Hank Evans: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Irene P. Waters: Hank!
Hank Evans: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.
Charlie Baileygates: Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name?
Whitey: Casper, but my friends call me Whitey.
Charlie Baileygates: Uh, okay.
[In a police helicopter on the ground]
Shonte Jr.: Anybody know how to fly this damn thing?
Jamaal: Motherfucker, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation.
Lee Harvey: Yeah, man, get your head out your ass.
Shonte Jr.: It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole.
Lee Harvey: Motherfucker, you speak German don't you?
Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good.
Jamaal: [Grabs instruction book] You a motherfuckin' disgrace! [Reads aloud in German from the instruction book; subtitled]
Jamaal: Secure the aft doors and adjust the motherfucking rotor pedals!
Shonte Jr.: Jawohl!
Jamaal: [In German] Now, disengage the goddamn inverter switch!
Shonte Jr.: Jawohl!
Jamaal: [In English] Well, get this motherfucker off the ground!
Colonel Partington: Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?
Charlie Baileygates: Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flu!
Jamaal: Motherfucker! That motherfuckin' Vince Foster was murdered! I told you that shit!
Lee Harvey: Look, my man, will you quit hacking into them goddamn Pentagon files, man? Ain't no never mind who them crooked politicians be killing. You need to just do your goddamn studyin'!
[Whitey and Charlie are lying in bed in a hotel room together]
Charlie Baileygates: So, Whitey, what happened to your family?
Whitey: I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. Fucked up law, huh?
Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel numb?
Charlie Baileygates: [Referring to his pills] No, but they give me unbelievable cotton-mouth.
Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride.
Charlie Baileygates: Oh. Oh, no. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
Charlie Baileygates: I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!
Irene P. Waters: For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!
[After escaping Lieutenant Gerke]
Irene P. Waters: Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid!
Hank Evans: Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself.
[Inside the airplane trailing the banner "Will You Marry Me, Bitch?"]
Whitey: It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight.
Jamaal: I'll tell you one thing, it's gonna be raining my motherfucking cookies if this motherfucker don't stop this turbulence shit!
Charlie Baileygates: Irene?
Irene P. Waters: Hmm?
Charlie Baileygates: Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?
Narrator: Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.
Irene P. Waters: You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.
Charlie Baileygates: Hey, it happens.
Hank Evans: [After Dickie gets knocked out] Oh, your golf buddy?
Irene P. Waters: Yeah.
Hank Evans: Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through.
Irene P. Waters: Knock it off, Hank!
Hank Evans: Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine.
Irene P. Waters: Stop it.
Hank Evans: C'mon. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.
Irene P. Waters: Get away from me!
Hank Evans: Whoa!
Irene P. Waters: He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting.
Hank Evans: Charlie?
Irene P. Waters: Yeah, that's right. He may not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.
Hank Evans: [Frustrated] What the hell is that suppo- Could we just speak English for a second here?
Chris Rock: Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.
Charlie Baileygates: He's a funny motherfucker!
Hank Evans: I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder.
Irene P. Waters: I don't have and eating disorder.
Hank Evans: Whatever you say, slim.
Jamaal: These two motherfuckers can do the shopping, and I'll do the cooking.
Lee Harvey: Man, you'll do the cooking? Man, you're the one who thought you got chipped beef from a toothy blowjob.
Shonte Jr.: [After Hank Evans has a bowel movement on the neighbor's lawn] Damn, do you think daddy's getting too much stress?
Lee Harvey: I think he's getting too much shredded wheat by the mothafuckin' look of it!
Charlie Baileygates: [Sees little girl jump roping in the middle of the town main street] Sweetie. Sweetie. That's kind of dangerous. Wanna move it upon the sidewalk away from the traffic?
Little Girl: My dad says you're a joke and I don't have to listen to you.
Charlie Baileygates: Well, your father is entitled to his opinion but I am the officer of the law and by all rights I could...
Little Girl: [Screams] Fuck off!
Charlie Baileygates: You should watch your mouth, little girl! [Little Girl screams]
[Charlie is dunking an anti-authoritarian little girl in a park fountain and brings her up]
Hank: [Brings her up] Still wanna skip-rope in the street?
Little Girl: I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!
Hank: Wrong answer. And the name's Hank, fuckface. [Dunks her again]
Charlie: Alright, Hank, truce?
Hank: For now, fucker.
Charlie: Hank, we're shot.
Hank: Come on, you pussy. It's just a flesh wound.
Charlie: [Seeing Lieutenant Gerke in the road] Oh, shit!
Hank: Don't worry about him. [Runs over Lieutenant Gerke]
Charlie: Hank, what have you done?! Oh my God!
Hank: Don't you just love it?
Hank: What the hell are you still doing here?
Charlie: You can't just throw me away, Hank. We're in this together.

Cast

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