Law & Order: UK

Law & Order: UK (2009 - 2014) is a criminal drama television series, part of the popular Law & Order franchise created by Dick Wolf. The show focuses on the Criminal Prosecution Service and the Major Investigation Unit of Bow Street Police Station.

Opening

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime, and the Crown Prosecutors who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

Series 1

Care [1.1]

DS Ronnie Brooks: What about an ID of the person who left it?

DS Matt Devlin: Chinese guy dumped it around one. Asian bird at around half twelve. She was a fat black woman. It was a thin white guy. Take your pick.

DS Ronnie Brooks: God bless the Great British public!

[Devlin and Brooks have to canvass young mothers in the area]

DS Matt Devlin: The old needle/haystack interface.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Look on the bright side, son, you might end up with a yummy mummy!

DI Natalie Chandler: He's already working for one!

DS Matt Devlin: You speak French?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Well, what'd you think I am, some sort of Neanderthal?

DS Matt Devlin: You might have said something before. I made a tit of myself.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Where's the fun in that?

DS Matt Devlin: He knows what he's doing. We're not just pretty faces, you know.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: This is why the rest of Ridley's chambers call him "Limbo", because there's nothing he won't stoop to.

DS Ronnie Brooks: He can't even look after a goldfish.

DS Matt Devlin: I fed it just like you said. The fish was ailing before I went anywhere near it!

DS Ronnie Brooks: Tell that to my daughter!

CPS Director George Castle: Well done James, a good result. Go home, have a drink; it's over.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: For us, maybe.

Unloved [1.2]

DS Ronnie Brooks: Do you recognise him, love?

Woman: I was too busy working last night, trying to keep warm

DS Matt Devlin: Go on. Have a think [tries to turn on the charm] I bet nothing gets past you...

Woman: Do women ever fall for that? [Matt grins]

DS Ronnie Brooks: If the street's the alternative, makes you wonder what they're running away from.

DS Matt Devlin: Look at his body language. I mean he's sitting on his hands! It's classic! He's hiding something

DS Ronnie Brooks: Matt, what are you going to charge him with? Bad posture?

DS Ronnie Brooks: [looking at a messy table full of file and paperwork] This is what I always worried the inside of my head looked like.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: She's not saying he's insane. She's running non-insane automatism, an involuntary act committed while not conscious of actions taken. Most of Jono's blood relatives are in prison. Her defence is that Jono is genetically predisposed to violent behaviour.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: [scoffs] Oh, she can't run that. It's outrageous. We'd have every criminal in the country making the same case. What's she playing at?

CPS Director George Castle: "Don't blame me, blame my genes." It's bold, I'll give her that. But let's not panic. No sane judge would let that get beyond a hearing. So, who did we draw?

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Uh, Judge DeMarco.

CPS Director George Castle: Oh God, let's panic.

Vice [1.3]

CSI Joy Ackroyd: Frenzied attack, judging by the splatter patterns.

DS Ronnie Brooks: You love saying 'splatter patterns', don't you?

[Running joke regarding the victim being discovered with his genitals outside of his trousers]

DS Ronnie Brooks: So is this still an HQ for Toms?

CSI Joy Ackroyd: Yeah. Might explain why his John Thomas is hanging out. Blowus interruptus, if you ask me.

[later]

DI Natalie Chandler: So why's he got his ninky nonk out when they find him?

DS Matt Devlin: [stifling a laugh] You don't really call it a 'ninky nonk'?

DI Natalie Chandler: Should hear what I call you.

[later]

DS Matt Devlin: What, you took a lipstick trace off his...

Forensic Medical Examiner Teddy: Wangdoodle. Oh, yeah.

DS Matt Devlin: Bloke was murdered under the bridge last night. You hear anything about that?

Street prostitute: Bit buff for a cop, you are, aren't you?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Do you mind, love? His head's big enough already without you adding to it.

DS Matt Devlin: I became a 'tec for the glamour. What happens? Spend most of my nights trolling through paperwork with you.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Yeah? Well, you can bet your life Frank McCallum did exactly the same when he was on the job. Just remember why you're doing this, Matt.

DS Matt Devlin: Kids and paint. My idea of hell.

DS Ronnie Brooks: You know me, Mattie. I believe everything everyone tells me, and I'm disappointed on a daily basis.

Unsafe [1.4]

DS Ronnie Brooks: Maybe if we get it forensicated?

DS Matt Devlin & DI Natalie Chandler: [As Ronnie grins] Forensicated isn’t a word!!

Forensic Medical Examiner Teddy: ...traces of assorted human detritus - mostly exfoliated skin and the parasites that feed on it. Stuff you'd fine in your mattress

DS Matt Devlin: Not in my mattress [Alesha laughs, Ronnie recoils]

Luke Slade: This city was built on corpses. Why does this one matter so much?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: They ALL matter!

Buried [1.5]

DS Matt Devlin: Dad was born 1939, Upton Park, East 50

DS Ronnie Brooks: Ah, so his dad got him into the Hammers

DI Natalie Chandler: Sorry?

DS Matt Devlin: West Ham. Commonly known as the Hammers 'cos they keep getting hammered...

DS Ronnie Brooks: Watch it, Sunshine!

Paradise [1.6]

Waiter: I'm sorry Sir, the club room is only open to members.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: I am a member, James Steel.

Waiter: I do apologise sir, but you'll be aware of our rules governing...

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Blacks?

Waiter: Girls.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: I think you mean women.

Alesha [1.7]

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: [about a gynecologist who sexually abuses and rapes his patients] He'll do it again. He won't stop and what if he goes further next time?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Alesha...

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: What if he already has?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: If no one speaks out...

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: James, I spoke out!

DS Matt Devlin: I thought... I thought you'd understand as a woman. I thought...

DI Natalie Chandler: As a woman, I'd like to cut off his dick with a rusty hacksaw and ram it down his throat!

Series 2

Samaritan [2.1]

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: What church do you attend?

PC Ray Griffin: I've never found one that worked for me, but my faith is very important.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: You're not really a religious man at all, are you? You don't belong to a church, you life phrases from the bible out of context, devoid of comprehension to justify your own prejudices. This is bigotry masquerading as faith, isn't it. You're an insult to all those people who actually have genuine faith.

Hidden [2.2]

Bea McArdle: You know, I've always found your inflexibility truly irritating, James.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Then please don't let me keep you.

Bea McArdle: Manslaughter - provocation, have we got ourselves a deal?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: [scoffs] This was a straight-up revenge killing, Bea, you know it.

Community Service [2.3]

CPS Director George Castle: We're all liberals until the front garden is invaded, James.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: [his closing argument] Whose freedom has priority here? You might think that Roland Kirk is your worst nightmare. You might understand Harry Morgan's frustration, but he broke the law. He beat Roland Kirk in the most brutal way, then he walked away, leaving Roland Kirk for dead. That wasn't self-defence. That was vigilantism. In viciously attacking a sleeping man, Harry Morgan became a bigger menace to society than Roland Kirk could ever be.

Sacrifice [2.4]

DS Matt Devlin: If it's not that crew, who else would want to remove a man's kidney?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Religious cult?

DS Matt Devlin: Nah, they're normally after the heart. That or they rip the eyes out.

[Ronnie stops in his tracks and stares at Matt.]

DS Matt Devlin: What? I've read about them. Doesn't mean I'm in one, all right?

DI Natalie Chandler: And what's the one thing money can't buy?

DS Matt Devlin: Love.

DS Ronnie Brooks: A kidney on the NHS.

DS Matt Devlin: Want us to pick you up anything while we're there (at your flat)? Books, clothes?

Darren McKenzie: Can of beer from the fridge. One kidney. Shouldn't take me that long to get hammered.

DS Ronnie Brooks: We'll get you a milkshake.

Repair woman: Always wanted to do repairs. If it was good enough for Kylie in Neighbours, it was good enough for me!

DS Matt Devlin: Wasn't she a mechanic?

Repair woman: Hmmm. Might have known you'd be a Kylie fan.

DS Ronnie Brooks: [searching the council dump] You'd be surprised what people chuck out. That sofa bed in my spare room, for instance.

DS Matt Devlin: No. I've slept in that! You said that was from Ikea!

DS Ronnie Brooks: Well, it was originally, yeah.

CPS Director George Castle: And I've already organized my replacement. Good man. Very competent. Comes highly recommended.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Who is he?

CPS Director George Castle: You, James. Director of C.P.S. London. Just don't get too comfy. I'll be back in a matter of months. And I've already marked the whiskey bottle.

CPS Director George Castle: I never liked the wig. Look like Amy Winehouse.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: [amused] Uh, trust me, George, you don't.

[James has defeated George in court.]

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: George. [offers a hand to George, who takes it] I'm sorry.

CPS Director George Castle: What for? You've done nothing wrong. A man died. You prosecuted, I defended, the jury decided.

Love And Lost [2.5]

Dr. Julia Lam: We gave her three ampoules of Naloxone, no response. Convulsions, severe bleeding. Eighteen years old and she died of biventricular heart failure.

DS Matt Devlin: Eighteen and she died of a heart attack?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Well, that's young. What was it, coke?

Dr. Julia Lam: Heroin.

DS Matt Devlin: Was she a regular user?

Dr. Julia Lam: No, she was a swallower. That's her bag. We found seventy heroin-filled condoms in her stomach.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Did you say seventy? Seven zero?

[Steel is getting increasingly irritated with severe OCD sufferer Jason's repeated attempts to get his wig straight, despite the fact that court is over for the day.]

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: For God's sake, Jason. Your wig is straight!

Jason Peters: Good. Now I can go home.

Honour Bound [2.6]

DS Ronnie Brooks: I can't go in that witness box. It's complicated.

DS Matt Devlin: You're a copper, Ron. You live for this job, and they could charge you with perverting the course of justice. Be the end of you, mate.

DS Ronnie Brooks: I've admitted I've made mistakes, okay? And I've put 'em right. But I'm the best I can be now, Matt, truly, I am. So when do I get a break, eh? When do I get forgiven? I didn't take that heroin. You believe me, don't you?

DS Matt Devlin: Of course.

DS Ronnie Brooks: My old man used to say, 'There's no such thing as a friend. Friends will always let you down.' I used to look at him and think, 'What a miserable old bastard.' I'd argue with him and say, 'Dad, you're wrong, mate.' Huh, I'll tell you what, Matty, I bet he's looking down at me now, laughing his head off.

DS Matt Devlin: Look, Ron, it gives me no pleasure...

DS Ronnie Brooks: Jimmy Valentine bought my fish for me today, all right? It felt like he was buying me off.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: How hard did you try, James?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: I'm sorry?

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Well, you didn't push him, did you? He gave you the answer you wanted. You wanted him on trial all along.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Uh, I did what George sent me to do. Am I happy to be prosecuting Jimmy Valentine? Yeah, he's a policeman who shot a civilian.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: So we make an example of him, rather than let police gain crucial intelligence on a major drug baron?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: The police want corruption held to account. You ask Matt and Ronnie. They want Valentine in court. I'm doing this for them.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: What if we lose? Valentine walks free, and we've gained nothing.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: I won't lose. It's time. Are you with me?

Series 3

Broken [3.1]

DS Ronnie Brooks: It's an oxymoron.

DS Matt Devlin: No, it's not.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Matty, what are you talking about? Sausages are made from meat, not soya. And they certainly ain't made from vegetables.

DS Matt Devlin: Why should veggies be denied the pleasure of a sausage roll? And let's face it, Ron, [indicates Ronnie's abdomen] it is half the fat.

DS Ronnie Brooks: And half the taste. I'll have you know, I am at the peak of my fitness. Do not let this cuddly exterior fool you, son.

[They both sit down at their desks to eat when they see the rest of the office, including DI Chandler, quietly standing in a group and staring at them.]

DS Matt Devlin: Blimey. Who died?

DS Ronnie Brooks: [emotional upon seeing the body of a brutally-murdered young boy] Just when you think you've seen it all.

CPS Director George Castle: [about the Director of Public Prosecutions] God, I swear that woman was put on this earth just to irritate my duodenum. Now, whatever it takes, you guarantee that that jury find on manslaughter - diminished responsibility and not murder. I want that girl in a hospital, not a prison.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: What about the DPP?

CPS Director George Castle: Oh, screw the DPP. I answer to Conor's mother on this one.

Kelly Shaw: You're making out I'm a bad mum!

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: I am shouting it loud and clear, Miss Shaw! You are a terrible mum!

Hounded [3.2]

DS Matt Devlin: She said she was folding the laundry so carefully she asked her to come and clean her daughters bedroom when she'd done (!)

DS Ronnie Brooks: And?

DS Matt Devlin: Well the laundry in the bin bag? Did that look folded to you?

Defence [3.3]

DS Ronnie Brooks: Have you got a description for us?

Witness: Yeah, um. She was a sort of young Nancy Dell'olio, he was a toned-down Mika.

DS Matt Devlin: I mean, whoever it was has got to have been covered in blood, not to mention they were carrying a bloody great sword.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Matt. This city is full of people walking around with blinkers on nowadays. Covent Garden is also full of people standing around in gold paint, fire eating or juggling. So, he might not have stood out that much.

DS Matt Devlin: And he's still out there somewhere.

[The detectives are inside an organic beauty shop. Ronnie is looking at one of the products]

DS Matt Devlin: You gonna buy that?

DS Ronnie Brooks: I wouldn't know whether to wear it or eat it, look.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: As long as he takes his pills, his mind works just fine. Which means when he decided to stop taking them, he knew what he was doing.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Yeah, but it's not like he went out and got high, though. That's his natural state.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Well, I'm naturally bad-tempered. It doesn't mean I can punch you whenever you annoy me, which you're doing now, by the way.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: [mock outrage] I'd like to see you try.

CPS Director George Castle: The Home Secretary feels very strongly that we should take the plea. He thinks it'll be a PR disaster if Smith is found "Not Guilty" after a long high-profile trial.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: And what did you say?

CPS Director George Castle: I told him that it was entirely inappropriate for him to try to influence the prosecution of a high court case.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: [amused] Go, George.

CPS Director George Castle: Well, I am indeed the man. But we are not operating in a vacuum here, James.

Confession [3.4]

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: You ok?

DS Matt Devlin: Yeah.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Thanks for doing this, Matt. [Alesha squeezes his hand]

DS Matt Devlin: Damaged goods? Well if I'd known that, I'd have told you years about about the day Eamon, my goldfish, died.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: You'll be alright.

DS Ronnie Brooks: I lost an entire decade to cheap whisky. Luckily it was the 1980's.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Another satisfied member of the James Steel fan club. What do you that winds these people up?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Oh you know... breathe.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Book an ambulance James, because George is SO going to have an aneurysm.

Survivor [3.5]

DS Matt Devlin: [about Alesha after she admits she's not a victim/suspect's favourite person] What's not to like? [Alesha looks touched]

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: You know when I was growing up? I saw girls like you. Hanging around the dealers and their shiny BMWs. Getting pregnant before you left school. All of you, thinking “he’s my baby father, he’ll treat me right.” [laughs] Men like Jackson Marshall don’t give a damn about girls like you. They don’t give a damn about their own kids. All they care about is money. Now if you don’t have the guts to stand up, speak out, he’s gonna keep getting away with it, and every time he cocks his gun—every single time some poor kid O.D.s on his drugs that death is on your hands too. That’s three years you’ve missed. Do you want to miss the next twenty? [points to a picture of Tamika’s daughter.] Because unless you’re there to protect her, one day she’s going to be one of those girls, walking through the estate when some dealer swings by in his big shiny car.

Masquerade [3.6]

DS Matt Devlin: Security cameras are all fakes. They're only there as a deterrent.

DI Natalie Chandler: This is what you get when you cut corners, gentlemen.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Just come from a budget meeting?

DI Natalie Chandler: Don't ask. You don't fancy swapping your squad cars for bicycles, do you?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Oh, that would be good. I can see me and (Matt) on a tandem.

DS Matt Devlin: What's new there? You'll be at the back stuffing your face, I'll be at the front doing the leg work, as usual

DI Natalie Chandler: Wasn't a serious suggestion, boys.

DS Matt Devlin: I used to go out with a girl from here (a University library) once.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Why's that? Need help with your homework, did you?

DS Matt Devlin: Amanda Teague. We used to meet up after the library closed. Go for a quickie in social sciences.

DS Ronnie Brooks: [aghast] What's the matter with you? This is a place of learning.

DS Matt Devlin: [smiling] We were learning.

CPS Director George Castle: A young Asian boy is stabbed, nobody seems to care. A pretty white girl is raped, suddenly it's headline news.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: All we needed was P.T. Barnum and we could have sold tickets.

Anonymous [3.7]

DS Matt Devlin: Mmm, something smells like feet.

DS Ronnie Brooks: I'm broadening your culinary horizons. Welcome to the world of Korean cuisine. Look at that! [Lifts some up]

DS Matt Devlin: It's a claw...

DS Ronnie Brooks: That's an exotic delicacy!

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: What happened to the other one?

DS Matt Devlin: Larry, yeah? He got out. His solicitor managed to get the sexual assault charges dismissed.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: So he's back spreading the love.

DS Matt Devlin: I guess so. I can introduce you if you like.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Yeah, I think I'll pass. Actually Matt, I need to get a copy of your report.

DS Matt Devlin: You want to check my homework?

Series 4

ID [4.1]

DI Natalie Chandler: Ron? You think she knew her attacker?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Her head was bashed in against her own car door, guv. I'd say that was personal.

Eli Smart: It's a honor to meet you like this, Mr. Steel. You did a talk at my uni. 'Law Claims Against the State.' Very inspiring. You know, I loved that George Eliot quote you started your lecture with, "Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult." [to Alesha] 'Course he was on the right side back then. It was watching him in action that made me choose defense.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Well, you can get my autograph later.

Denial [4.2]

Suspect: You don't want to mess these people about!!!

DS Ronnie Brooks: And you don't want to mess US about! A high court judge has been shot for this car!

Shaken [4.3]

Duty Of Care [4.4]

DS Matt Devlin: The shop downstairs is another story, though. Owned by one Sanjit Chatterjee, currently under investigation for unpaid VAT, and selling alcohol without a license. He's already got one failed business under his belt. Declared bankruptcy at the tender age of twenty-five.

DI Natalie Chandler: So not exactly young entrepreneur of the year.

DS Ronnie Brooks: And he's got a stupid beard.

DI Natalie Chandler: That's enough for me.

DS Ronnie Brooks: 'Wanker'? That’s a bit harsh. I’m quite a nice bloke when you get to know me, or so I’ve been told

DS Matt Devlin: Impart some fatherly wisdom, did you, Ron?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Well, it wouldn’t be the first young tear away I’ve had to sort out, would it? Ay, Mattie?

Help [4.5]

Shop Owner: The bag should still be out there, the napkins should still be on the top.

DS Matt Devlin: [Ronnie is eating chips and just looks at Matt] You enjoying those?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Best breakfast I've had all day. Want one?

DS Matt Devlin: No, you're alright. [sighs, pulls gloves out, goes outside to the bin bags]

DS Matt Devlin: This Saturday, there are scheduled to be 54 weddings.

DI Natalie Chandler: And now a funeral. [to Brooks] Dust off your morning suit, Ronnie.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Not likely. The last wife cut the arms off it.

Mike: Have you ever heard of the Good Samaritan?

DS Matt Devlin: Yeah, but the Good Samaritan was never done for assault though, was he?

DS Matt Devlin: You don't just use three hours down the back of a sofa, Ron!

DS Ronnie Brooks: I spent my early teens in that ring

DS Matt Devlin: They had pie eating contests did they?

DS Matt Devlin: You were a featherweight?

DS Ronnie Brooks: I still am a featherweight! Just that my clothes got small.

DI Natalie Chandler: [Carries a cup through after Ronnie had been held at gunpoint] Tea, four sugars.

DS Ronnie Brooks: [as Matt shakily takes the cup] Get that down you.

DS Ronnie Brooks: [leaves the room]You don't get rid of me that easy, sunshine.

Jason Peters: I'm not a messenger boy, James. That's insulting of you.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: You should hear what I think of your client.

CPS Director George Castle: Does this look like the face of an optimist? What national football team do I support?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Point taken.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: What do you suggest? Glasgow kiss? [A headbutt]

CPS Director George Castle: Only as a last resort.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Excuse me for thinking about his feelings, it'll never happen again!

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: You should have told me what you were doing.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: You'd only have tried to talk me out of it

DS Matt Devlin: He's ordering a chinese.

DS Ronnie Brooks: I wish I had chinese, that is horrible.

DS Matt Devlin: [puts Ronnie's dinner in an evidence bag]

DS Ronnie Brooks: What are you doing? That's my dinner

DS Matt Devlin: Enough is enough!

DS Ronnie Brooks: What do you mean enough is enough? That's my dinner! Have you nicked them crime scene bags from work?

DS Matt Devlin: These bags are the only thing strong enough to deal with what you eat!

DS Ronnie Brooks: Matty, you're unbelievable, son!

DS Matt Devlin: Thank god. I've put on a stone watching Ronnie eat!

Skeletons [4.6]

DS Ronnie Brooks: That street dance is it?

DS Matt Devlin: Brucie here is more familiar with ballroom

DS Ronnie Brooks: [about older people seeing porn magazines] Wouldn't want them choking on their Werthers."

DS Matt Devlin: James Steel, I'm arresting you on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say will be given in evidence.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Is it true you were having an affair with the defendant during that time?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: How did you feel when it ended? Had you not told the defendant that you loved him? you planned a future together.

Claudia Martin: You bastard.

Claudia Martin: Betrayal is an interesting choice of word coming from a man who was cheating on his wife.

Claudia Martin: You used me, you know... I'd have done anything for you

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: Anything... which is why the jury should see your evidence for what it is. The emotional backlash of a woman scorned.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: You really will do anything to win, won't you?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: I had to discredit her.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: So she was just collateral damage.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: [harshly] Yeah.

Samuel Cain: Do you know what your success rate is as a prosecutor?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: No, I've no idea. I don't keep a record of it

Samuel Cain: Let me tell you. It's 93%

Samuel Cain: Are you proud of those results?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel: I'd be happier if it was 100.

Series 5

The Wrong Man [5.1]

DS Ronnie Brooks: [regarding doctors' notes of a dead patient] Basically, we could be dealing with another Dr. Crippen, and I just would not have a clue. Although, look. Judging from some of the handwriting, I'd say half these doctors were serial killers, anyway.

DS Ronnie Brooks: I think we ought to arrange a rendezvous with Deep Throat. [Matt practically purrs] Not the porn film. [Matt chuckles]

DS Ronnie Brooks: So basically, Dr. Grant is going for the Shaggy defense.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: "It wasn't me"?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Exactly. [off Matt's look] What? Young person's music, Matty. My girls keep me with it!

DS Matt Devlin: You were doing really well. Until you said with it.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: So this man has been passing himself off as a doctor at a major London teaching hospital for nearly two years.

DS Matt Devlin: Reassuring, isn't it? Put on a white coat, stethoscope, people believe anything you say.

DS Ronnie Brooks: [to Jake, good-naturedly] Bit like a wig and a gown

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Too right. I've been getting away with it for years.

CPS Director Henry Sharpe: You realize the Prime Minister had his adenoids removed at the Alderman (Hospital)?

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: I remember the press conference. He was very impressed by the staff's professionalism.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: [amused] Well, that's come back to bite him.

CPS Director Henry Sharpe: Well and truly.

Safe [5.2]

DS Matt Devlin: Snatching a kid from a ride in front of his own mum. This bastard's got balls.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Yeah, and I know what I'd like to do with them

DS Ronnie Brooks: If the dads taken the kid then hopefully he's safe.

DS Matt Devlin: [sarcastically] Yeah, cos dad's never hurt their own kids, do they...

DS Ronnie Brooks: Being away from his kids can break a dad's heart.

DS Ronnie Brooks: You don't know how it feels not to see your own kids, Matt.

DS Matt Devlin: [offers Ronnie his sandwich which - unusually - he turns down, making Matt realise something is wrong.] Sarah still not returning your calls...?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Well, you've never had the pleasure of walking down the aisle, Matty.

Kayla: I wish you were my dad

DS Ronnie Brooks: Not sure my daughters would agree.

DS Ronnie Brooks: My eldest daughter Sarah, she's about your age, she's expecting a baby

Kayla: You're gonna be a grandad?

DS Ronnie Brooks: If she lets me. She's not returning my calls.

Kayla: Why not?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Cos the dad she remembers chose a bottle of whiskey over her.

Kayla: I bet all she wants is a big hug from her dad [Kayla sobs in Ronnie's arms]

Kayla: [Opens the door to the airing cupboard, where a toddlers body is hidden] He's in heaven, Ronnie. My baby boy is in heaven with the angels.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: I'm not dropping the murder charge to save the ministry of justice a few quid, Henry.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: She's as sane as any one of us and you know it.

Yvette Dyer: You really don't remember me, do you?

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Sorry, should I?

Yvette Dyer: Phone number on the bedside table would have been nice.

Yvette Dyer: If she's not fit to plead she's not fit to plead. It's not rocket science.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Well it's a good job none of us are rocket scientists.

DS Ronnie Brooks: I've been a copper long enough to hope that if I charge someone with murder they'll be tried for murder!

Gregor Browning: Are you telling this court that the life of a two year old is in the hands of a temp?

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: And you'd remember if your social worker came round on the night that your kid died.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Henry will be thrilled that you've saved the MOJ the cost of another trial.

Yvette Dyer: Mmm, and you don't have to spar across the court for the next few weeks. Result.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: [Remembering their last 'encounter'] Blue tulip. Left shoulder blade. Some things I don't forget.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Do you fancy a pint?

DS Ronnie Brooks: I can't tonight. I've got plans. I'm seeing my daughter.

Crush [5.3]

DS Matt Devlin: [About a corpse found in her underwear] Nice line in underwear.

DS Matt Devlin: Working girl. Explains the push up bra.

DS Ronnie Brooks: You knew she was a Tom

Michael Hunter: I suspected it. I didn't mind though.

DS Ronnie Brooks: That's not what I asked.

Michael Hunter: She's another one.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Escort?

Michael Hunter: Eastern European.

Lilly: Traces of spermicide and lubricant, she’d had sex but with a condom, no sign of rape… bit of bruising but I’d say the sex was energetic, not violent.

DS Ronnie Brooks: I remember that

DS Matt Devlin: What? Having sex?

DS Ronnie Brooks: No, being energetic.

DS Ronnie Brooks: [About the murder victims blog that is largely about her sexlife] I don't understand this, what happened to keeping things private.

DS Ronnie Brooks: There's stuff on here I wouldn't even tell meself!

DI Natalie Chandler: Ronnie? Noone's listening.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Infact I'd be tempted to say there's a whole lot of 'Loveck' going on

DI Natalie Chandler: Yeah, resist it.

DS Ronnie Brooks: There's a lot of men out there looking for company

DS Matt Devlin: I sort of understand the curb crawlers, business transaction and everyone knows it.

DS Matt Devlin: It's sad!

DS Ronnie Brooks: Not sad, Matty. Just lonely.

DS Matt Devlin: [Looks suspiciously at Ronnie]

DS Matt Devlin: What do you think I am? Some sort of Neanderthal?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Never ending source of wonder, Matt!

DS Ronnie Brooks: [About books going onto electronic format (ebooks etc)] You can't do that if it's been digitamalised.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Wear a wig, Jury's like them, gravitas I suppose. Without it you look like my PA.

Tick Tock [5.4]

Phyllis Gladstone: So, Robin. How's your new Batman?

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Great. We're uh.. a dynamic duo.

Phyllis Gladstone: Rubbish! He's driving you mad, I can see it in your eyes. Don't worry, you'll fall for him. All his assistants do.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Well. When I see his "assistant" I'll tell her.

DS Matt Devlin: Unless you've got something important to say, shut up!

Tina: I ain't going nowhere! I need to take a piss every 30 seconds!

DS Matt Devlin: He eats boys like you for breakfast.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Oh no, Matty. He don't eat them, he-

DS Matt Devlin: Alight Ron, we get the idea.

DS Matt Devlin: Don't make me play bad cop.

DS Ronnie Brooks: You wouldn't like him when he pays bad cop.

DS Ronnie Brooks: You called us here for these 2?

PC: I heard on the radio male female..

DS Ronnie Brooks: I think we also said they were through puberty.

PC: Look, I called you as soon as [the shop owner] called me. [The shop owner explains that the kids were stealing cigarettes]

DS Ronnie Brooks: You shouldn't even be smoking!

Kid: We don't! They're bad for you. We sell them at school to the year 10's.

DS Ronnie Brooks: You've got to stop watching The Apprentice!

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: See this? Pretty face. Me, more than.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Hammers supporter?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Yes?

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Unlucky. [Ronnie grins]

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: There were 21 calls to the police station that day and I can't believe anyone would claim to be 'The Thatch' unless they were a little... *taps his head*

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: It's important to him, which makes it important to us.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Spoken like a true civil servant.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Shut up and buy me lunch.

Intent [5.5]

DS Matt Devlin: He doesn't take much interest in his wife's business.

DI Natalie Chandler: Oh, so a typical healthy marriage then.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Back in the days when I was drinking, I once went on a bender for three days. Now, aside from a train ticket to Hull and a receipt for two hedge trimmers, It's still a complete blank.

CPS Director Henry Sharpe: A lot of men feel emasculated by a woman being the main breadwinner. Never understood it myself. I've been angling to be a kept man for years. Sadly, Mrs. Sharpe is not amenable.

Deal [5.6]

DS Ronnie Brooks: [takes Matt's sugar] I'll have that. He's sweet enough [Matt grins]

DS Matt Devlin: I mean that bloke's got more lives than my cat.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Have you got a cat?

DS Matt Devlin: Yeah, Lucky Luciano. 17. Never had a scratch on him.

DS Ronnie Brooks: What comes after S in the alphabet, Matty?

DS Matt Devlin: T

DS Ronnie Brooks: That'd be lovely. Got any biccies?

Series 6

Survivor's Guilt [6.1]

DS Ronnie Brooks: I’ve had my life, haven’t I? I’ve been married too many times, I’ve got my girls. Matty never got to do any of that, did he?

DS Ronnie Brooks: That police officer who died? His name was Matthew Devlin. And he was like my son.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: You can build as big a smokescreen as you like, but the fact remains: Your client shot Matt Devlin for one reason only, because he's a police officer - was a police officer.

Immune [6.2]

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: [quoting what Sam said about him in court] Not as smart as I let on?

DS Sam Casey: Yeah. I quite enjoyed that...

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Justice is blind ... and sometimes a little bit sneaky.

Haunted [6.3]

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: But it went "missing" at the time Simon was there

CPS Director Henry Sharpe: Is it in the interest of justice to proceed? Do we have a realistic prospect of conviction? And did you just do a pair of bunny ears? No. No. And yes. Don't do it again.

Trial [6.4]

DS Ronnie Brooks: How hard is it to fulminate mercury?

Haya Ngama: It's not. You just need to mix mercury with concentrated nitic acid and add the resulting aqueous mercury nitrate to ethanol. Yeah?

DS Ronnie Brooks: [befuddled] Yeah.

Haya Ngama: Except it's violently exothermic and gives off clouds of white smoke.

DS Ronnie Brooks: I used to be like that on Saturday night.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Oh what I would have given to spend three years studying knowledge for knowledge's sake, Sam. That's a wonderful thing.

DS Sam Casey: What are you talking about? You know loads of stuff...

DS Ronnie Brooks: Yeah, that's because I'm an autodidact.

DS Sam Casey: The doctors have got that under control though, right?

DI Natalie Chandler: Haven't you got a meal for one waiting for you to heat up?

DS Ronnie Brooks: I don't heat them up, Guv. I just suck them frozen.

Line Up [6.5]

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Of all the judges, take a guess...

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Not Robert 'She asked for it' Reynolds...?

Dawn Till Dusk [6.6]

DS Ronnie Brooks: What you got?

Pete: Looks like he had company [holds up a bra]

DS Ronnie Brooks: Or a secret he only shared at weekends.

Pete: There's a blouse here too, a couple of the buttons ripped off.

DS Sam Casey: Maybe he got a bit rough... she didn't like it.

DS Ronnie Brooks: What? Then she produced a gun?

DS Sam Casey: Beats pepper spray

Pete: It's too small for a pistol. Maybe an airgun?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Maybe, however a half naked woman running through London shouldn't take long to find.

DS Sam Casey: You're not wrong...and in this weather... [briskly rubs his hands together] I hope he had warm hands.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: I'll do what I can, but what can I say? Sam doesn't file anything like I do.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Alesha, no one files anything like you do.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Yes, ok. No one files anything like I do.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Yeah. Hurry up!

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips: Well, get off the phone!

Fault Lines [6.7]

DS Sam Casey: The gift card was used to purchase a red lace chemise, size 10, whatever that is.

DS Ronnie Brooks: A chemise is a short nightie, my son.

DS Sam Casey: Something you want to tell me, Ron?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Yep. You gotta brush up on your French. The first Mrs. Brooks wore a black lace chemise on our wedding night. She was a knockout as well.

Series 7

Tracks [7.1]

DS Sam Casey: He was trying to blend in. To get away. Like any other hit and runner.

DI Wes Leyton: Oh, pint down the Red Lion after shift?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Ah well-

DI Wes Leyton: [speaks over him] Hang on, hang on, er, double whiskey chaser, no ice and a packet of dry roasted. How's that for a memory? Lots to catch up on, sir. [walks off]

DS Ronnie Brooks: More than you know, Wes.

Tremors [7.2]

DS Sam Casey: [stalks out of his interview] All those people dead and you are wasting our time on the man that killed them!

DI Wes Leyton: You walk out now and you are making a big mistake.

DS Sam Casey: Do I look like I give a toss?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Sam, just calm down... tell the Guv what you know-

DS Sam Casey: Guv? He's not my Guv! [To Wes] Do you think it's that easy? I held that boy in my arms! I haven't slept for months! Everytime I close my eyes I see his face. I see his dad's face when I had to tell him that his son was dead! So yes, I went down there to see Tyler. I went down there to make him feel that pain. But do you know what? I couldn't do it. [breaking down] Because being a police officer came first. [To Ronnie] I swear to God, Ron. I turned around and I walked away.

DI Wes Leyton: It was a very slow walk because you were off camera for 10 minutes. [Sam looks helplessly at Ronnie as Wes steps forward] DS Casey, I'm suspending you pending further investigation. You can leave your warrant card with me.

DS Sam Casey: Good. [forces the card into Wes' hand] GOOD! [stalks outside as Ronnie follows him]

DS Ronnie Brooks: [tries to run after Sam] Sam, wait!

DS Sam Casey: What? He thinks... [paces] he thinks I'm some sort of nutcase!

DS Ronnie Brooks: But he doesn't know you!

DS Sam Casey: But you do! What do you think?

DS Ronnie Brooks: I think you've been through a lot-

DS Sam Casey: Oh Ronnie-

DS Ronnie Brooks: Sam! [gets him to turn round] what were you doing for those 10 minutes? [Sam breaks down and starts to cry] Just take it easy. You've got a young lad that needs you!

DS Sam Casey: [crying] I know!

DS Ronnie Brooks: I can help you, and I will help you, but you've got to be honest with me. What did you do for those 10 minutes? [Sam takes deep breaths, trying to calm down] Come on, Sam, come on!

DS Sam Casey: I wanted to go in there! I've already said, I wanted to go in there and tell him what he'd done! How it felt to hold a dying child in my arms because of him! How it feels everytime I kiss my boy goodbye! All I can see is that kids face - dead - in that train!

DS Ronnie Brooks: [gently] What did you do?

DS Sam Casey: You wanna know what I did for those 10 minutes?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Yes.

DS Sam Casey: I just sat down by that cell door and I cried like a baby.

DS Ronnie Brooks: [takes a deep, relieved, breath and comforts Sam as he starts to cry again] Alright, look. Come on... come on [pats his shoulder] I've seem many an officer with that look in their eyes, don't you worry about that. You're strong enough, son. You'll come through this! You're a good copper, Sam.

DS Sam Casey: [pained] No, no I'm not.

DS Ronnie Brooks: You are. Just don't let all your good work end here. I need to know one thing. Did you see Tyler?

DS Sam Casey: *sighs* No.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Ok.

DS Sam Casey: I swear, Ronnie. I swear.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Well, noone went to his cell after you, except for his brief who found him. So Tyler must have already been dead when you went down there.

DS Sam Casey: [sniffs] You believe me, don't you?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Yes [Pats his knee comfortingly] I believe you.

Paternal [7.3]

Shop girl: He had this big wad of notes and kept waving it around. I told him to put it away, there's plenty of crackheads, drunks and hookers that'd have your arm off for less around here.

DS Sam Casey: And did he?

Shop girl: What?

DS Sam Casey: Put the money away?

Shop Girl: He just laughed, said "Just point me in the direction of the hookers!"

DS Sam Casey: Is DI Chandler ever coming back?

DS Ronnie Brooks: She's looking after her mum. You'll get used to him (DI Wes Layton).

DS Sam Casey: What, bonsais and all?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Well, you know what, mate? He may trim tiny trees, but he's still one of the good guys.

Criminal: [on seeing Sam and Ronnie back again] Are you kidding me?

DS Ronnie Brooks: What? Not even a "Hello, Detective. You're looking very dapper today"?

CPS Director Henry Sharpe: Okay. Well, I just wanted to say... You were right, Jacob, and I was... less so.

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Gracious of you.

CPS Director Henry Sharpe: It was, wasn't it?

Fatherly Love [7.4]

DS Sam Casey: It's a keyless ignition, the fob has to be in the car.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Yeah [amused at the stupidity of the would-be car thieves] And all the time it was sitting in her purse no more than 2 feet away.

Victim's Boss: I begged her to get a restraining order, she was always too afraid of his reaction though.

DS Sam Casey: Has he been here recently?

Victim's Boss: Last week? Charlotte had been trying to help him seek treatment as a condition of access to Holly. The cleaner he got, the more he could see her. Look, I hope I'm wrong but it really wouldn't surprise me if he had something to do with this. Especially since the arrest.

DS Sam Casey: The arrest?

Victim's Boss: He was arrested for assault. Just a few weeks ago. Aren't you guys supposed to know stuff like this already?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Yes. We are.

[Angie, Wes, Sam and Ronnie finish listening to a horrific 999 call playback.]

Angie: And that's where it ends.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Thankfully.

DS Ronnie Brooks: I'm getting too old for this.

DI Wes Leyton: Come on, it's better than being stuck indoors all the time. Just like the old days, hey Ronnie!

DS Ronnie Brooks: [after a day of mistakes] Well, Ange was right about something. We've definitely got ourselves a body.

Lily: Cause of death: acute intracerebral hemorrhage, compound fracture of the occipital bone.

DS Ronnie Brooks: [To Sam] So a whack on the back of the head to me and you.

DS Sam Casey: Jumping off the bridge...?

Lily: Unlikely. If she'd hit her head on the way down, given the speed of the impact I wouldn't expect there to be much skull left.

DS Sam Casey: [pulls a face] ... nice.

Mortal [7.5]

DS Sam Casey: [After Ronnie has spoken in french to a suspect] Fluent French?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Still waters, Sammy. Still waters.

DS Ronnie Brooks: You know what they say, Wes. Where there's a will...

DI Wes Leyton: There's a relative.

Dependant [7.6]

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: Loyalties don't exist in our world, Kate!

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: [After Ronnie has given Kate a note] Oh yes, something I should know?

DS Ronnie Brooks: [smiles] Plenty, Jake. Plenty.

Series 8

Flaw [8.1]

DS Joe Hawkins: [about a dead body missing its teeth and hands] So no dental records. No fingerprints.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Nice easy one to start you off with.

DI Wes Layton: [about Joe, Ronnie's new side kick] He could teach you a few things, Ron...

A Black Suspect: [winding up DS Joe Hawkins, a mixed race officer about the colour of his skin and his 'loyalties'] It’s easier for you, detective sergeant. You’re higher up the pigmentocracy. Shading has its benefits.

CPS Prosecutor Kate Barker: [After Ronnie has described what has happened to a child murder victim] You can't say that, Ron. It's too emotional!

DS Ronnie Brooks: Too real is what it is, Kate!

DS Ronnie Brooks: Dale Horgan shot the kid, then stood there and watched her die!

CPS Prosecutor Kate Barker: You can't let your feelings get in the way.

DS Ronnie Brooks: She was 8. What was she going to do? Set Tigger on him?

Safe From Harm [8.2]

DS Ronnie Brooks: I'm being down with the kids.

DS Joe Hawkins: ... I don't even know where to start with that.

I Predict A Riot [8.3]

Pride [8.4]

Customs [8.5]

DS Joe Hawkins: Phone is registered to a Ranya Habib, and I've got an address.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Good. How's your Arabic.

DS Joe Hawkins: Ah, [speaks in Arabic]

DS Ronnie Brooks: Blimey, not too shabby.

DS Joe Hawkins: Eh, means "my hovercraft's full of eels". [off Ronnie's look] Muslim lad. Hendon. Big Python fan.

DS Ronnie Brooks: So where are we going?

DS Joe Hawkins: Highgate.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Right. No dead-parrot jokes

DS Ronnie Brooks: Do you know who (Mrs. Habib) was with?

Mr. Moss: It was in Arabic. It was kind of like listening to burning cats.

DS Ronnie Brooks: [discovering a mini-fridge in a cabinet] Ooh, look at this lot.

DS Joe Hawkins: [teasing] Bit early for lunch, isn't it, Ronnie?

DS Ronnie Brooks: Cheeky.

[Jake and Kate are arguing over an issue involved in the case.]

CPS Prosecutor Jake Thorne: I know we don't always see eye-to-eye, Kate, but you've lost your objectivity on this.

CPS Prosecutor Kate Barker: Oh, funny, 'cause I think I'm seeing things pretty clearly.

CPS Director Henry Sharpe: [irritated with both of them] Do I need to knock your heads together?

CPS Prosecutor Kate Barker: I need you to build a case against Yafeu Elsayed.

DS Joe Hawkins: "Oh, hey, Joe. How's it going?" "Not too bad, Kate. What can I do for you?'"

Bad Romance [8.6]

DI Wes Leyton: [holding up a sheet of paper] Okay, this is a memo from above, striving towards the paper-free office

DS Ronnie Brooks: Shouldn't they send an e-mail? [Joe snickers]

Lily: Okay, I fast-tracked that test, and you were right, Ron. There's amniotic fluid in the mattress, so someone's given birth in that room.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Well, that's the source of the blood, then.

DS Joe Hawkins: Ugh. Remind me never to have kids.

DS Ronnie Brooks: It's okay. I've had two. Never felt a thing.

Hard Stop [8.7]

Repeat to Fade [8.8]

DS Ronnie Brooks: There you go. Bitten by her own sound bite. She's being a plonk and she knows it. Come on.

{DI Elisabeth Flynn enters, unoticed by Ronnie and Joe.]

DS Joe Hawkins: You mean "plonker".

DI Elisabeth Flynn: No, DS Hawkins, he means "plonk". "Person of Little Or No Knowledge." It's what his generation called us Dorises before they realized we had brains as well as tits.

DS Ronnie Brooks: Well, I was just saying--

DI Elisabeth Flynn: Yeah, I know exactly what you were saying. And fighting knife crime, that's not just a sound bite, not for me. [to Joe] Uh, Joe, could you nip downstairs and get the rest of the eyewitness reports? [to Ronnie] Oh, and when you finish your game of darts, there's a murder of a young woman to solve. [leaves]

[brief pause]

DS Joe Hawkins: I like her.

External links

Wikipedia

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Law & Order: UK quotes at the Internet Movie Database