L.A. 7

A sequel to the Miami series, the group, on advice an actress, goes to Los Angeles in hopes of becoming successful. As soon as they get to LA, they learn it is easier said than done. The band obtains odd jobs around LA and bond with their landlady, Joni, portrayed by actress Linda Blair. Like Miami, each episode contain each one of the band’s songs. Like Miami 7, the show was renamed S Club 7 in L.A. and was shown on Fox Family in the USA between June 3, 2000 and September 30, 2000.

Episode 1: Into the Unknown

(The audience clap hands in the show as S Club 7 are winning Oscars in the dream)

Hannah: Thank you. Thank you. Erm, first of all, I’d like to thank my co-stars the marvellous Leonardo DiCaprio… Hi, babe. …and um, the gorgeous Brad Pitt who are absolutely wonderful!

(The audience applauses)

Bradley: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, I’m Ch… uh… I’d like to thank the director for casting me as the new James Bond and I’ve got to say I’m looking forward to the sequel where I get a chance to snug Britney Spears. Thank you very much. (blows a kiss)

Rachel: To be honest, I was a bit worried about the shower scenes, but Mr. Spielberg shot them in the best possible taste. Thank you, Steven. This is for you. (blows a kiss)

(The audience applauses)

Jo: Hey. Um… Yeah. I just want to say it’s brilliant to receive this award for best ballsy blown with a spanner in an action movie and, um, yeah. I’m chuffed to bits. Thanks a lot. Cheers.

Jon: It was a great honor for me as an English actor to be asked to play the role of the young John F. Kennedy. I thank you all and the academy. Thank you.

Tina: My commiserations go to the other nominees Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts who just weren’t quite good enough to win. (blows a kiss)

Paul: I’d like to say a big thank you to the American academy for this award for best actor ever, in everything. (clears throats) And I’d also like to say that I’m going to share it with the rest of S Club 7, but I’m not going to. Na-na-na-na-na!

(The audience applauses)

(After having a dream)

Jo: Hey, Paul, that was really mean.

Paul: What?

Jon: Yeah. Not sharing the Oscar with us.

Hannah and Bradley: Yeah.

Paul: Oh, come on! You got one. Each didn’t…

(All argue about not sharing Oscars with them)

Tina: Yeah, but…

Paul: Oh, shut up!

Bradley: Wait a minute. Shut up!

(Echo disappears)

Bradley: Don’t you see what’s happening? We’re not the Oscars in Hollywood. We’re all having the same dream again.

All: Oh, no.

Jo: So we haven’t won any awards then.

Paul: No.

Tina: And we’re not famous.

Paul: Nope.

Jon: We’re just stranded in the middle of the desert.

Rachel: Just look at it.

Hannah: Deserted.

Jon: Well observed, Hannah.

Paul: Come on. Let’s get going.

(They all get back in the car and set off to Los Angeles and then song called “S Club Party” is playing)

(They drive along the road in the desert)

Jon: Okay. So here we are, the S Club 7 on the road to Los Angeles. Hannah is dying for loo.

Hannah: (groaning desperately) Can anyone see a ditch or anything?

Paul: No.

Hannah: (groaning desperately again)

Jo: Concentrate on something else.

Bradley: Yeah, like a big river gushing over a waterfall.

All: Bradley!

Bradley: What?

Tina: Why does America have to be so big?

Jon: Because it’s got 260 million people in it.

Rachel: Oh. So where are they all?

Hannah: It’s got about many people you’re thinking they have a few more loose.

(Paul puts on the brakes hard and stops)

Rachel: Paul, what are you doing?

Paul: Look. (pointing to the sign saying Loo in British)

Hannah: Oh, yes!

(She runs to the loo but the door is locked)

Cowboy: Howdy, folks.

All: Hi.

Bradley: What’s up?

Hannah: ‘Scuse me. Can I use your loo please?

Cowboy: Sure, for $50.

Hannah: What?

Cowboy: You don’t have to use it, but the next bathroom’s about 300 miles down the road.

Hannah: Here, 10. Is that enough?

Cowboy: I’m sorry, but I gotta make a living out here. There’s nothing else to do. Make it $20.

Hannah: Guys, can you help me out? Please, please unburst him! Guys, I’ll pay you back. I’ll be your friend.

Rachel: Hannah, you are our friend.

Hannah: I’ll be even more of a friend. I’ll do anything. I’ll make you cups of teas in the mornings.

Bradley: And make us toast to marmite.

Hannah: Yes!

Bradley: And tidy our veggies for us.

Hannah: Yes! Anything!

All: All right.

(They give her dollars)

Rachel: There we go. Enjoy.

(Rachel, Tina and Paul laugh as Hannah rushes back and gives dollars to the cowboy and goes into the loo) (She looks at everything around the bathroom)

Cowboy: So you’re all going to Hollywood to act in the movies.

Jon: Yeah. Well, maybe if we get lucky.

Cowboy: I don’t like acting. Don’t seem real to me.

(Hannah is having a wash in the bathroom washing her hair)

Rachel: Well, actually, we’re in a band. We’re hoping to get some work in a club and maybe get a record deal.

Cowboy: You mean you sing songs?

Tina: We try.

Cowboy: I don’t like songs. I like the music of the desert. Rattlesnake rattling across the sand. Sound of a bats’ swing squeaking in the night air. Gopher sitting on a flat top rock, breaking wind in the key of B-flat minor.

(Group laughs)

Cowboy: That’s Nature’s music.

Tina: Somehow, um, I don’t think that’ll get in the charts.

(Meanwhile, Hannah is drying her hair looking cool)

Cowboy: You want to make money? Get out of pop music. Get into bathrooms. I got a chain of bathrooms across every desert in this country. Arizona, Texas, Utah. Not everybody wants to listen to music, but everybody sure wants to take a whiz.

(Group laughs)

Jon: It’s a good thought, actually.

(Hannah is putting a cream on her face)

Bradley: What is taking her so long?

All: Hannah!

(She comes out looking better)

Hannah: That’s better. Come on then! What are you waiting for?

(She gets back into the car then they follow her)

(They all set off again along the road)

(They finally arrive in the little town before they stop at the picnic table)

(They are having their last meal for some time) (Hannah and Tina laugh)

Jon: Okay, guys. Well, you better enjoy this cos this could be our last meal for some time.

(Hannah tries to drink but Tina takes it)

Hannah: Tina, what are you doing?

Tina: Hannah, we spent all that money on emptying your bladder. We’re not about to spend anymore on filling it.

(Paul has a map)

Paul: Hey, guys!

Jon, Jo, Hannah and Tina: What?

Paul: Ridgeback Woods is near here.

Rachel: I’m sorry. Are we supposed to be impressed by that?

Paul: Yeah. Because my parents talk about Ridgeback Woods all the time. I’ve got relatives that live there. My great uncle’s cousin’s brother twice removed. He lives there.

Hannah: Why was he removed?

Jon: Because he reoffended.

Tina: Maybe we should stop by and see if any of your relatives are still there.

Paul: I fair of way, Tina. You’re interested in my relatives.

Tina: I was thinking, uh, maybe we can borrow some money off them.

Hannah: Tina!

Tina: Sorry.

Hannah: What a great idea!

(They giggle and they give each other a high-five)

Jo: So here we are, on the trail of Paul’s ancestors that really famous family, the Cattermole’s.

Paul: Come on then. (to the woman) ‘Scuse me a minute. Could you tell us how to get to Ridgeback Woods?

Woman: Ridgeback Woods? You don’t want to be going up there.

Rachel: Why not?

Woman: Because things happen to people in those woods.

Little Girl: (crying)

Woman: It’s okay, honey.

Hannah: Like what?

Woman: Like weird things.

Rachel: What sort of weird things?

Woman: I don’t rightly know. Only I heard about noises, people disappearing, twigs in funny shapes, wobbly camera work.

Paul: You mean it’s haunted?

Woman: Ruck sacks with gooey stuff in them bobble hats.

Paul: Do you think she’s trying to tell us something?

Jo: (to Mike) ‘Scuse me. Hi. We’re trying to find Ridgeback Woods. What, are you gonna start going weird on us as well?

Mike: You wanna find Ridgeback Woods?

Jo: That’s what I just said, you hoof.

Mike: There’s something you need to know.

(Mike holds the camera)

(Group watches Mike telling them about the film crew who disappeared in the woods while making a movie)

Mike: Well, they say that some actors were given a camera and sent out into the woods to make this movie, but some people who disappeared in the woods while making a movie.

Hannah: Sounds spooky.

Bradley: Sounds confusing.

Jon: Sounds like it’s been done before.

Mike: Then when the lights start to fade, that’s when the weird noises started to happen.

Bradley: (hiccups) Oh. Sorry. Fizzy lemonade.

Jo: Go on.

Mike: Anyhow, they go out of the woods and they started to make this film. Well, pretty soon, they got lost in the night. That’s when the weird things started happening. (He imagines the man walked in the woods and got lost in the night) First, one of them disappears. (He imagines one of them disappears as the man says “I’m so scared.”) Then they all disappear. (He imagines that they all disappear and the man says “There you are.”) The only thing that was left was the tapes from the film that they were making, and the tapes from the other film that the other people were making when they disappeared.

All: Wow.

Tina: So they disappeared up their own film.

Mike: Nobody knows. But there’s this website where you can read all about it. At least there was a website.

Paul: Don’t tell me and that’s disappeared as well.

Mike: Exactly. Scary, huh?

Paul: Well, I still want to go and see if my relatives are still living there.

Mike: If they are still there, I’m pretty sure they won’t be living.

(They drive all the way to Ridgeback Woods)

Tina: Paul, are you sure you know where you’re going?

Paul: Yeah. We’ve just gotta turn left again.

Tina: We just turn left again.

Jo: We turn left again and then we turn left again.

Jon: Paul, I think that’s one more again than we should have turned.

Paul: Look, don’t worry. All right?

(Tina and Jo fall asleep)

(They drive through the woods)

(They finally turn up in the woods)

Tina: Is this it then?

(They get out of the car)

Rachel: Paul, if this is where your relatives lived, they must’ve been trees.

Bradley: Right, this is very interesting. Now let’s go.

(Paul turns on the car but the petrol seems to run out)

Paul: There is a small problem.

Jo: What?

Paul: We’ve run out of petrol.

All: Oh.

Tina: How can you run out of petrol, you complete muffin?

Jo: You realize that if you don’t put the petrol in the car, it stops.

Paul: All right. It’s not my fault. I forgot to look at the gauge.

Rachel: So what are we gonna do now?

Bradley: Jo will fix it.

Jo: It’s run out of petrol, Bradley. How can I fix that?

Bradley: I don’t know. Maybe you could, um, change engine up a little bit and make it run on some word or some leaves or… (slaps himself) or some mashed-up mosquitoes.

Rachel: Yeah, right.

Jon: Bradley, why don’t you ever talk any sense?

Bradley: Because it’s too easy.

Rachel: Next to you to suggest that we dig for oil and turn that into petrol and put that in the car.

Hannah: You’re right. That’s ridiculous.

Rachel: Exactly.

Hannah: How are we gonna dig without a shovel?

Jon: Look, guys. There’s only one thing for us to do. Some of us are gonna go and look for some petrol while the other guys stay here.

Bradley: What? We’re going then?

Jon: Well, I think Paul should go.

Paul: Why me?

Jon: Because you’re the one that forgot to look at the petrol gauge.

Paul: But Jo forgot to look at the petrol gauge as well, so why doesn’t she go?

Jo: Cos I weren’t driving, you hoof. What about Rachel?

Rachel: Why me?

Jo: Cos you get spooked easily. This might help you get over it.

Rachel: Oh, thanks, Jo.

Paul: What about Jon?

Jon: Or Bradley?

Bradley: Or maybe Hannah.

Hannah: What are you saying me for?

Bradley: Because no one’s mentioned your name yet.

Hannah: I could even see you mentioned that.

Bradley: Yeah, but you just sit there all the time, right.

(They all argue at each other)

Tina: (screams then calms down) Now listen. We’ve got to decide what to do. Now, what are our choices?

Rachel: Oh, yes. Our choices. Well, our choices are either we can sit here in the spooky woods for hours and die or we can go for a walk in the spooky woods for hours and die.

Jon: Not really, um, much of a choice there, Rach. That’s kind of like saying “Should we sit here and wait for big monster to come and bite our arm off, or make a monster walk for a little bit…and then let him bite your arm off?”

Rachel: I’ll make it walk, definitely.

Bradley: Yeah, but it’ll probably work up more of an appetite and end up eating your other arm as well.

Rachel: That is a good point. Stay here definitely.

Paul: Well, I’m gonna look for some petrol. So who’s coming with me?

Rachel: Bye.

Jon: See you later.

Hannah: See you later.

Paul: Take care.

Hannah: You too. Bye, Rach.

Jo: Bye, Paul.

Paul: Take care.

Rachel: Be careful.

Hannah: You too. Are you sure you want to go?

Rachel: Yeah. I mean I’ve never really been that brave, so I guess I better start now.

(Paul, Tina and Rachel go for a walk)

Jo: Make sure you don’t disappear.

Hannah: Do you think we’ll ever see them again?

Jon: Of course we will.

Jo: Well, I hope so.

Bradley: Yeah. Me too. Paul still owes me a fiver. What?

(Hannah slaps him)

(Paul, Tina and Rachel are walking to look for some petrol)

Tina: So, do you know where we’re going?

Paul: Uh, yeah. North. We’re going north.

Rachel: Why is that?

Paul: Because south east and west in the wrong direction.

Tina: Just don’t get us lost, that’s all.

Paul: Since when have I ever got you lost?

Tina: Since every time you’ve ever tried to find your way. Anywhere?

Paul: (clears throats)

(Paul is heading north then Tina and Rachel follow him)

(Bradley sits on top of the car and lies down while Jo sits in it and falls asleep and Jon uses the camera and Hannah eats the lollipop)

(Paul turns the map round) (Rachel takes it, then Tina has it) (Tina pushes Paul)

Rachel: Paul, what are you doing?

Paul: I’m sorry. I think we’re lost.

Tina: And it’s getting dark.

Rachel: Well, at least we haven’t heard any strange noises.

(They hear someone saying “Hey!”)

Rachel: Like that.

(It is getting dark and the howling sound can be heard in the distance)

Jon: Okay. So here we are in the woods and waiting for the other guys to come back, (sighs) and it’s really dark and cold… (sighs again) and it’s really scary. But, you know, I’m not scared.

Jo: You liar.

Jon: I’m not. Well, okay. Maybe I am just a little bit. (sighs) Okay, a lot.

Tina: The thing is not to be scared. Right. How do you do that?

Paul: Right. Well, you just got to think logically because it’s only dark. All darkness is is an absence of light and it can’t hurt you.

Rachel: That’s good. I like that.

Paul: You see, all dark is doing is stopping you from seeing things.

Rachel: You mean it’s stopping you from seeing nasty things that can hurt you.

Paul: What? Well, yeah.

Tina: That’s not so good. I don’t like that.

(They hear someone saying “Hey!” again)

Paul: Um. Should we start again? You see, all darkness is is an absence of light.

Hannah: If you’re a monster, who would you eat first?

Jo: Probably not you. You’re too stringy.

Hannah: Oh, that’s good.

Bradley: It’d probably have you for a starter.

Hannah: Do you think so?

Jon: Yeah. I think it’ll probably have Hannah as a starter and then me as a main course.

Jo: Bradley for pudding.

Bradley: You saying I’m fat?

Jo: No. I’m saying you’re sweet.

Hannah: You might be vegetarian.

Jo: Nah. What’s the point in having a vegetarian monster? Only be able to scare vegetables. It’s not very monstrous.

(Suddenly, they hear someone saying “Hey!”)

Jon: What was that?

(Owl hoots in the night)

Tina: Let’s sing.

Paul: What?

Jo: What?

Hannah: Let’s sing a song to scare away the monstery things.

Rachel: Well, we might as well. It couldn’t hurt.

(Group sings “I’ll Be There” to scare the monstery things away)

Intro: All: I’ll be there for you

Doo, doo, doo, doo

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

Doo, doo, doo, doo

Verse 1: Tina: Looking in my memory, what did I see?

All the good times you gave to me

Evenings from the park way after dark

Listen to the radio in my car

It’s times like these you see the woods from the trees

You come to my aid when I’m on my knees

Next time when you feel alone

Just pick up the phone

Chorus: All: Reach out and touch

Whisper my name

I will deliver again and again

Straight from my heart, honest and true

I’ll promise you this, I will be there for you

I’ll be there for you

Verse 2: Tina: What I think, I’d be lost without you

Makes me wonder what I did before you

When it mattered, you were there for me

You were my rock, boy

You were my energy

Time flies, but I’ll never forget

The way it was the day we met

Don’t be surprised you know it’s true

I’m gonna be there for you

Chorus: All: Reach out and touch

Whisper my name

I will deliver again and again

Straight from my heart, honest and true

I’ll promise you this, I will be there for you

I’ll be there for you

Bridge: Paul: Through the sun, through the rain

I will still feel the same

Be it good, be it bad

I’ll always understand

When you’re down, when you’re blue

I will be there for you

Cause nobody does it better

We’re gonna get there together

Bridge: All: Through the sun and through the rain (I’ll be there for you)

Through the sun and through the rain (I’ll be there for you)

Chorus: All and Jo: Reach out and touch

Whisper my name (whisper my name)

I will deliver again and again (ooh)

Straight from my heart, honest and true

I’ll promise you this, I will be there for you

I’ll be there for you

Rachel: (whispering) You think it worked?

Paul: I don’t know.

(Then they fall asleep)

(Jon, Jo, Hannah and Bradley fall asleep in their car with their blanket) (However, Rachel wakes up)

Rachel: (screaming)

(Then Paul and Tina scream; Jon, Jo, Hannah and Bradley scream)

Tina: I just think we were lost in the woods.

Rachel and Paul: So did I.

Hannah: (screaming) I just think we were lost in the woods!

Jo, Jon and Bradley: So did I.

All: We were lost in the woods!

(They hear someone saying “Hey!”)

Hannah: What’s that noise?!

Jon: I don’t know.

Tina: It’s just nothing.

Rachel: Nothing doesn’t make a noise like that.

Tina: Maybe it’s something then.

Rachel: Yeah, but what sort of something?

Paul: Probably a mouse.

Tina: A mouse with big clumpy boots on?

Rachel: Paul. Paul, go and see what it is.

Paul: I’m not going out there.

Jo: Jon, can I see what it is?

Jon: I’m not going out there!

Hannah: It’s coming nearer!

Tina: It’s getting nearer.

(They all notice something somewhere, then they hear someone saying “You guys!”, then they all stand up and run out of it) (Bradley runs along behind; Tina runs along) (Hannah runs along, then Rachel runs along and then Paul falls over) (They all see each other)

All: Whoa!

(They all hug together)

Rachel: Thank goodness.

(Then there is something coming towards them) (They all turn around and see the light coming in)

Paul: What’s that?

Rachel: What is it?

(They all hold on to each other until the light gets closer)

Mike: Hey there. Thought I’d come to see how you’re getting on.

All: Oh.

Tina: Goodness.

Jo: Wait a minute.

All: What?

Jo: Where’s Bradley?

(They all walk back to the car looking for Bradley)

Jon: He’s gone.

Rachel: The monsters have got him. I know it.

Tina: Monsters don’t exist.

Hannah: The monster that doesn’t exist got him.

(Tina picks up his hat)

Tina: Oh, no. Poor Bradley.

(Rachel breaks down in tears)

Jo: (calling) Bradley! Bradley!

(Suddenly, they hear something rattling at the back of the car) (Jon opens the back of the car and there is Bradley with the petrol)

All: Bradley!

Bradley: Oh, guys! Is that monster gone yet?

Hannah: He’s here!

Bradley: Oh. I got some good news for you, guys. I found some petrol.

All: Aw.

(They all hug him)

Newscaster: Tonight on CBC Newsline, from the infamous Ridgeback Woods which has so far claimed the lives of 15 documentary camera crews. We report an amazing story of Survival. We reveal how the English Pop Group the S Club 7 actually went into those spooky woods and stayed for the entire night without disappearing. We go now to an eyewitness report.

Mike: I warned them not to go in the woods, but they insisted on it! They’re cool. They’re pretty cute too.

Newscaster: Was it brave? Or was it reckless? Or was it all part? More on this incredible story after these words.

Jon: So, Paul, we never did find where your relative lived.

Paul: No, no. Well, it wasn’t Ridgeback Woods. It was, um. It was some other woods. Does anyone wanna go there?

All: No, Paul!

(Then they drive off to L.A.)

Episode 2: Clever Camp

Bradley: I thought if I want to be a counsellor. I just think they’re great at solving up in problems.

Jo: No. Just causing them.

Jon: Bradley, it’s not that kind of counsellor. It’s just there were for the people who look after the foods at summer camp. It’s like being red coat at Butlins.

Paul: Yeah, but without the red coat.

Rachel: Oh, that’s the shame. But he’s really looking good on me at the moment.

Tina: Gotta be worth a phone call.

Paul: Yeah, absolutely. Has anyone got a quarter?

(They check in their pockets but no money left)

(They turn up outside at the summer camp as the song called “Natural” is playing)

Jon: (reading) Camp Elysium. Proprietor: Blair Beasley, Ph.D. “Cogito Ergo Sum.”

Jo: Blimey, you can say that again, mate.

Jon: No, I don’t think I can actually.

Bradley: What does it mean?

Tina: Roughly translated. He who pops first, pops loudest.

Bradley: I thought I recognized it from somewhere.

(Hannah and Paul look at each other; Rachel drives into Camp Elysium) (They stop at Camp Elysium)

Tina: I’m sorry, but in what possible is this? A camp?

Bradley: Where are the tents?

Jo: Or the shower blocks?

Hannah: Or the cow pats? Well, you can’t have a campsite without cow pats. It’d be like having a cheese and pickle sandwich right the pickles.

Tina: Or the cheese.

Paul: Well, maybe they have a different idea of what camping is here.

Bradley: I don’t know about you, but when I went away with the 27th flourish of sea scouts, well, we didn’t quite feel the need to bring our own library.

Tina: It looks more like a university than a kids camp.

Jo: This Beasley about? He does know we are, right? I mean he’s not expecting proper teachers or anything.

Paul: No, no, no. Of course not.

Tina: You didn’t perchance spin him that old yarn about you being at school of Prince William, did you?

Paul: Yeah, like I would.

Jon: Don’t worry, Teen. He only uses that line on girls.

Bradley: Or they guy dog.

(They giggle)

Hannah: I reckon Paul used that line so often. He almost believes it himself.

Paul: No, I don’t! Now look. Just go and fetch my case from the car, you nasty little commoner.

(Group laughs)

Rachel: Maybe we should think about this for a moment. This place feels really weird.

Paul: Rachel, Professor Beasley is offering us 300 a week plus bored.

Rachel: Didn’t I say “I love weird?”

Jo: Where is everybody?

Jennifer: In the hall waiting for the lectures to begin.

Bradley: Lectures?

Jennifer: Uh-huh. This morning, we’re doing dark matter and wormholes.

Hannah: Oh, biology. Nice!

Jennifer: No. Astrophysics.

Hannah: Of course! Astrophysics.

Rachel: Well, don’t let us keep you. We wouldn’t want you missing the start of your lecture.

Jennifer: Not very likely seeing how we’re the ones giving it.

Albert: Welcome to clever camp.

Bradley: Oh, right. What?

Jo: Okay. Soak him.

Paul: All right. I admit it. I may have slightly exaggerated the order educational achievement, but I was only saying what we wanted to hear.

Tina: Yeah, but Oxford?

Paul: All I said is that we’ve been to Oxford which we have.

Rachel: Only for one night, when we played at my niece Anna’s birthday party.

Paul: Did I say that would graduate it?

Jon: Yes, but now we have to play a concert of classical music!

Hannah: Forget soaking. Drowning!

Paul: Look, look. I can explain!

Bradley: Go on then. Explain.

Paul: You’re right. I can’t.

(Paul holds his nose and puts his head in the water)

Jon: Look, we could try and bluff it. You know, improvise.

Tina: Improvise? You can’t improvise with classical music. It got rules.

Paul: Beasley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.

Tina: On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.

(Bradley tosses a shoe on Paul and they leave but him) (Then Jo pushes his head in the water and he throws a shoe on the grass)

Professor Beasley: Which is proof enough as it proved indeed were needed, that music does not only feed the soul. It could also feed the entire population of China. Maybe that’s why the first tune most of us ever learned to play on the piano is chopsticks. (laughs) So, without further ado, please welcome some new recruits to the staff with a world premiere of a brand-new orchestral entitled…

(Bradley gives a sheet to him)

Professor Beasley: …the panic symphony in E-flat minor at 250 beats per minute, boys and girls, the S Club awesome!

(The kids applause before the group starts)

Hannah: Well, I’ve never had a day quite like that before.

Jo: Nor me. Talk about brainy kids. It’s like spending the hold-down Who Wants to Be a Millionaire without any chance of winning the money.

Jon: Yeah, or phone your friend.

Hannah: Do you know what I reckon the real problem in this place is?

Jo: What?

Hannah: It’s not that the kids are too smart or too brainy. It’s that Beasley in the pairs you send them. They are so keen on getting on so well. They’ve just forgotten to let ‘em be kids.

Jo: She’s right.

Rachel: Jo, I think we’ve got to do. I think we’ve got to help them get in touch with their childish side.

Jon: Hmm. How are we gonna do that?

Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. Get in touch with our childish side.

Hannah: And here it comes!

(Group laughs)

Bradley: What?

Episode 3: Hello Hollywood

(They all arrive at the end of the road)

Bradley: Wow, look at that!

(They get out of the car and look at the view in the distance)

Jon: Well, there it is, guys. Hollywood. It’s the most famous place in the world.

Hannah: Tinseltown!

Jo: Can’t see much tinsel from here. Looks more like smoke and smoke.

Rachel: Do you realize that every single person down there wants to be famous?

Tina: They all want to be actors, directors, musicians, bands. Millions of them. All with the same dream.

Hannah: Cor! That’s a lot of competition!

Rachel: Well, you know how the song goes. If you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere. It’s up to you.

Jo: That’s New York, Rach.

Rachel: Oh. Well, do you think we come to the right time?

Bradley: Guys. So what are we waiting for? Let’s get down there and show ‘em how it’s done.

(They arrive at the poor motel)

Paul: So does this look cheap enough?

Jo: Well, if it isn’t, we might as well go to the nearest dog Simon right now kennel off the ground.

(Paul, Jo and Jon get out of the car)

Jon: Right. Come on, everybody. Let’s try and look cheap.

Bradley: Sound tricky. Maybe we better, um… stem Rachel first.

Rachel: Someone help me rip Bradley’s head off. (strangles Bradley)

(Hannah and Tina laugh)

(Paul is asleep with his feet out of the car window and someone steals his socks)

Paul: Oi! Come back with my socks, you jughead!

Jon: So where’s Bradley then?

Jo: Um, he got run over by rollerblader.

(Group laughs)

Tina: Is he hurt?

Paul: No. He’s just milking it for all his words. You know Brad. After one, we used to call him at college.

(They get ready to sing a song called “Natural” at the cafe)

Intro: Rachel: Ooh, oh-oh

Oh yeah

Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

Verse 1: Rachel: Loving you is not just luck or illusion

It’s in the make-up of our DNA

It’s not by chance, we make the perfect solution

Don’t fight it, baby, you know that it’s just destiny’s way

Chorus: All: Baby, loving you comes easily to me

It’s what I’m living for, it’s all in the chemistry

Baby, loving you is how it’s meant to be

It's something that is oh so natural to me

Natural

Verse 2: Rachel, Jo: We got the answers, but there’s no explanation (no explanation)

We got each other, baby, come what may (come what may)

It’s in the science, it’s genetically proven (genetically proven)

‘Cause when you touch me

The reaction, it just blows me away

Chorus: All, Rachel: Baby, loving you comes easily to me

It’s what I’m living for, it’s all in the chemistry

Baby, loving you is how it’s meant to be

It’s something that is oh so natural to me

Joni: You know, that’s the S Club 7. They’re living in one of my apartments.

Chorus: All, Rachel: (What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

(What I live for) It’s what I’m living for, it’s all in the chemistry

(What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Baby, loving you is how it’s meant to be

(What I live for) It’s something that is oh so natural to me

(Oh, woah-oh)

(Rachel and Hannah come into the room packing cases, then Paul and Jon also come into their room and then point to one of bed, then Jo and Tina come into their room but they fall, and Bradley looks around in the living room and then he sits down listening to music)

(What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

(What I live for) It’s what I’m living for, it’s all in the chemistry

(What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Baby, loving you is how it’s meant to be

(What I live for) It’s something that is oh so natural to me

(Oh, woah-oh)

(What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

(What I live for) It’s what I’m living for, it’s all in the chemistry

(What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Baby, loving you is how it’s meant to be

(What I live for) It’s something that is oh so natural to me

(Oh, woah-oh)

(What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

(They clap)

(Off-screen)

Bradley: Goodnight, everyone.

All: Goodnight.

Bradley: Can someone get me a glass of water?

All: No!

Episode 4: Misguided

Jo: All right, who starred in Casablanca?

Hannah: Uh, Cameron Diaz and Johnny Depp.

Jo: (clears throats) Humphrey Boger and Ingrid Bergman.

Hannah: Oh.

Jo: Um, how about Batman?

Hannah: Oh, I know that one! I know that one! Um, Batman and Robin.

(The song called “Best Friend” is playing) (Hannah and Jo are turning pages in the magazines, Jo turns the page and stops)

Jo: Oh, Random Violence! I wanna go and see that.

Hannah: I don’t want to go and see Random Violence. I hate Tommy De Witt movies.

Jo: How can you not like Tommy De Witt? He’s probably sexy.

Hannah: Oh, come on. He’s not even a good actor.

Jo: Bother about that. Someone’s good acting. I can watch Bradley telling us why he ain’t done the washing up. Tommy’s gorgeous.

Hannah: Oh. He’s just a big talentless haircut with expensive dental work and about half the sex appeal of R2-D2. Now there’s some quality dental work.

(In their dorms, Hannah is getting ready to go out on a date)

Hannah: How’s your makeup?

Rachel: Mmm. Pretty good…for an amateur.

Hannah: Hmm.

Rachel: I can’t believe you’re getting ready to go out on a date with Tommy De Witt.

Tina: Especially when you’ve always said he was a big talking haircut with no talent.

Hannah: Yes, but that was before he turned up at my apartment wanting to go out with. Mm.

Jo: Well, hurry up. I wanna get out there before the guys scare Tommy off.

Rachel: That’s the one.

Hannah: Yeah.

(Back at the apartment, Rachel is asleep when the light appears and it wakes her up; Jo and Tina come in)

Jo: She’s back out the car.

Tina: Jo, give the girl some privacy.

Jo: You’re right. Like you’re not interested whether Hannah gets a snug off Tommy De Witt or not.

Rachel: Of course we’re not.

(They take a look out at the window)

Tina: She’s getting out the car.

Rachel: He’s getting out.

Jo: He’s walking out to the door.

Tina: Their heads are getting closer and closer.

Jo: Oh. Snuggle her.

Rachel: Leave impact in 3 seconds.

Tina: Two.

Rachel: One.

(Hannah and Tommy kiss; the girls scream in excitement)

Hannah: Thanks. I had a great night.

Tommy: I know you did, baby.

(They kiss again)

(On the Starline Trolley Tours)

Hannah: And Hollywood is also the world capital of romance: Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn, Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. Jean-Claude Van Damme and himself.

Jo: I can’t believe it. Hannah’s falling in love with Tommy De Witt.

Tina: It’s not fair. I loved Tommy De Witt when Hannah thought he had all the charm and Charisma of a timber door frame. Now, she’s the one getting all the face friction.

Jo and Tina: It’s not fair.

Tina: We need to get out more.

Jo: Still, it could be worse. We could be Paul.

Rachel: Paul’s nearly ready. He’s very excited.

Joni: Ooh, that makes two of us. (Referring to Paul) Um, now I will have him home by 11:00, and is there anything that he doesn’t eat?

Rachel: Hmm… Tin cans.

Jo: Washing machines.

Tina: And that’s about it.

(Paul runs and falls down the flight of stairs)

Paul: Hi.

Joni: Hi. Well, let’s party.

(Paul and Joni are ready to go out and close the door behind them)

Episode 5: The News

(The song called “Someday, Someway” is playing) (Paul comes down the stairs getting ready as Tina sits down on the couch)

Paul: How do I look?

All: Fine.

Paul: How’s my breath? (blowing his breath at Hannah)

Hannah: Fine!

Jon: Paul, I don’t know why you’re so nervous. It’s just a date.

Paul: No. It’s not just a date. It’s a date with Linda.

Jo: Yeah, and you’re so special about Linda.

Paul: Well, she’s sophisticated. She’s intelligent and she’s a grown-up.

Jo: Ooh. So what’s she doing with you?

Paul: Don’t say that. Look, I really want this to work out. I really like her.

All: Ooh!

Jon: So is this Linda the newsreader then?

Paul: Yes.

Jon: Excellent. Because I didn’t buy a newspaper this morning and I just wondered if she could run over the main headlines with me.

Paul: Don’t you dare. When she comes here, she’s off-duty.

(Doorbell buzzes)

Paul: (screeches) Okay, everyone, relax! All right.

(Paul rushes to the mirror)

Jo: I’ll get it.

(Paul rushes to Hannah to show his breath again)

Paul: How’s my breath?

Hannah: Aw! Paul, would you stop doing that?!

Paul: Okay. Here goes.

(Jo comes back and Linda turns up)

Paul: Hi.

Linda: Good evening. I’m Linda Lewis.

(Paul kisses her cheek)

Paul: So, how was your weekend?

Linda: Boating on the lake. Great success. Dinner at an Italian restaurant overpriced. And finally a walk on the beach.

Paul: Great. So are you ready?

Linda: Yes.

Paul: Well, I thought maybe we’d go to this Mexican restaurant.

Linda: No. A meal at the seafood restaurant. Tables are booked. Then coming up in the next hour a trip to the cinema.

Paul: Ah, that sounds like a much better idea. I don’t know what I was thinking. Come on, let’s go. Yeah.

(So Paul and Linda are heading out)

Paul: See ya.

All: Bye.

Linda: Very good evening to you.

All: Mmm.

Jo: (to Tina) I thought she was supposed to be off-duty.

(Hannah, Tina and Rachel are walking along, then they stop)

Rachel: Oh, look! Surfing Championships this weekend. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Hannah and Tina: Yeah.

Rachel: You think you maybe, we could ask if we can perform at the closing party.

Hannah: Oh, oh! That’s exactly what we were thinking.

Rachel: Well. Come on. Let’s go and ask them.

Hannah: Uh. Why don’t you go, Rach?

Tina: Yeah. You’re really good at that sort of thing.

Rachel: Oh. Okay.

(Rachel leaves)

Hannah and Tina: Great!

Hannah: Ooh!

(Hannah and Tina go off to meet Miggy and Ziggy the surfers)

Tina: Hi.

Miggy and Ziggy: Hi.

Miggy: Are you surfers?

Tina: No.

Hannah: Yes! Yes, we are.

Tina: Yes, we are.

Hannah: Dudes.

(Tina giggles)

Miggy: It’s great! I’m Miggy and that’s Ziggy.

Tina: Cool!

Hannah: I’m Higgy and that’s…Tiggy!

Ziggy: You don’t look like surfers.

Hannah: Oh, we are, we are. Um, these clothes. They’re not ours.

Miggy: Why are you wearing them then?

Hannah: Because we were surfing and there was this massive wave and it just sucked all our clothes off.

Tina: So, uh, yeah, we bought these.

Ziggy: Wow! That must have been in some wave.

Hannah: Yeah! It was huge!

Rachel: (Off-screen) Han, Teen!

Tina: Um, we better go.

Miggy: Okay, well, we’ll be here the same time tomorrow. Maybe see you then.

Hannah: Come on.

(They leave while the surfers are getting the dirt off their surfboards)

Rachel: We’ve got the gig!

Hannah: Oh, nice one! Well done!

Tina: So drear!

(They go back to the apartment)

(Hannah and Tina practice surfing on the surfboard and Bradley comes back bringing some food for them)

Bradley: Grubs up. (giving Jo a burger) Burger for you. (giving Hannah a burger) Burger for you. (giving Tina a burger) Burger for you. (trying to give Paul a burger but he doesn’t) And burger for you.

Paul: No thanks.

Bradley: What?

Paul: I don’t like fast food.

Bradley: Yes you do.

Paul: No, no, no. Linda said…

Jo: Ugh! I knew it.

Paul: What?

Hannah: You don’t like playing cards. You don’t like fast food. You don’t like normal clothes.

Bradley: Is there anything you do like doing?

Tina: According to Linda?

Paul: Yes. I like reading the newspaper and having serious political discussions.

(Jo stands up and walks upstairs to bed)

Jo: Fascinating. I’m off to bed.

(Tina follows Jo)

Tina: Me too.

Paul: Me too. Apparently, I like having an early night.

(Paul goes upstairs to bed)

(The song called “The Colour of Blue” is playing) (At the cafe, Bradley and Jon are picking cards while Jo is watching)

Bradley: Okay, Jon boy. Pick a card. Not that card. Not that one. Not that one either!

Jon: Well, which one then?

Bradley: This one! All right now, look at it. What is it?

Jon: 5 of diamonds.

Bradley: All right now. Just put it back in there. Good boy. Oh, right. Is this your card?

Jon: Well of course it is, Bradley?

Bradley: See? (chuckles)

Jo: Bradley, that’s not even magic.

Bradley: Yeah, not real magic, just like the trick.

Jon: Bradley, that’s not even a trick.

Jo: Oh, look. Here comes the evening news.

(Linda comes to see them)

Paul: Linda. Hi.

Linda: Good evening. Tonight, extra work shock means I have to stay in, looking to the week ahead you’re coming to the theater with me tomorrow evening.

Paul: But I can’t, I…

Linda: Eyewitnesses say the play is an excellent one. Onlookers have clapped and cheered. Now over to you, Paul.

Paul: I can’t come tomorrow evening. We’ve got a gig.

Linda: Your band will never make it. News reading is the only option. Those are the facts. You heard it here first.

Jo: Now you hold on a minute.

Bradley: You just can’t say things like that.

Linda: You must leave the band. That’s all for now. See you the same time tomorrow evening. Goodnight.

Bradley: Paul, you go slide above…

Jo: Yeah, we got to sort out.

Jon: What is your problem?

Paul: I sweat.

Jon: Paul, what she says on TV when she’s reading the news. That’s all fact. But what she said this evening, that’s just her opinion.

Rachel: Do you see the difference?

Paul: No. Because Linda’s right about everything.

Bradley: I don’t think so, bro. (holding up a magnifying glass) Yeah. Look at yourself recently, Paul.

Rachel: Paul, look. I know you really like her, but you gotta do what you think’s the best. Not just anything Linda tells you to do.

Linda: You know what? I…was…wrong.

(Paul walks with her)

Jon: As if…

Rachel: It’s a miracle.

Paul: Do you really mean that?

Linda: Yes. You should stick with them.

Paul: Thanks. I mean so much to me.

Miggy: Hey, Higgy.

Ziggy: Hey, Tiggy. We’ve changed our minds. You are cool.

Tina: You know what? We’ve changed some minds too.

Hannah: Yeah, we’re not cool.

Tina: No. They’re not cool.

Hannah: Oh, yeah. That’s right, isn’t it, Teen? Hey Ten. Flip your lid and see you around.

(Miggy and Ziggy wave and then they leave)

Paul: So, what should you do now then?

Jo: Sleep.

Jon: (hugging Jo) Jo, you just so rock and roll. Mmm?

Episode 6: Prom

(The song called “The Colour of Blue” is playing) (One day, they all sit outside at the beach)

Hannah: Hey, Paul.

Paul: Hmm?

Hannah: There’s a girl you like.

(He sees a girl jogging on the beach)

Bradley: I need a girl I like?

Paul: No, Bradley. You like every girl. That is the girl that I like.

Bradley: But, Paul. You never got to do anything about it.

Paul: Oh, yeah? Why not?

Jon: Because you never do.

Paul: Okay then. Well, this time, watch this. (He comes to see her) Hi, how are ya?

Girl on Beach #1: Excuse me?

Paul: But… What? I…

(He walks back to them)

Paul: Well, that went better than usual.

Bradley: You gotta work on your technique, bro. I mean, watch me. Watch the master.

(So Bradley gets up and meets the girl)

Bradley: Hey. How are ya doing? You’re kinda good.

Girl on Beach #2: (speaking gibberish and slapping him with her book)

(Then he runs back as they laugh)

Hannah: Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys! You want to know how it’s really done. Watch Rachel.

Rachel: Me?

Hannah: Yeah, you. You’re the world champion of flirting.

Rachel: No, I’m not.

Hannah: Yes, you are. Go on. Look around and tell us if there’s a boy you like. My boys, watch this and laugh.

(Bradley is holding the camera)

Bradley: Okay. First, she spots her victim.

Rachel: (pointing to that boy) Well, he’s quite cute.

Bradley: Then, she moves in for the kill.

Jon: The prey puts down his book.

(He stands up stretching)

Paul: He stretches unsuspectingly.

Bradley: He turns round.

Jon: And slowly approaches.

Paul: The prey is snared.

Sam: Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

Sam: I’m Sam. You’re Rachel, aren’t you?

Rachel: Yeah. How did you know that?

Sam: I’ve seen you around at the beach, and at the cafe.

Rachel: Oh, really?

Sam: Yeah. Listen. I was wondering. It’s my high school prom in a couple days, and I was wondering if you’d like to come with me.

Rachel: Yeah. I’d love to. That would be great. Um, what should I wear?

Sam: Well, it’s quite formal, but I’m sure you’d look great in anything.

Rachel: Thanks.

(They laugh)

Hannah: That’s outrageous! I’m glad I never behaved like that.

Bradley and Jon: Me too.

Sam: Hey, aren’t you guys with the S Club 7?

All: Yeah.

Sam: I’ve seen you play at the beach and at the cafe.

Jon: Oh, really?

Rachel: Oh.

Hannah: Oh, right.

Sam: Hey, listen. I was wondering. It’s my high school prom in a couple days, and I was wondering if you guys like to play a few songs.

Hannah: That’d be great.

Jon: Yeah. We… We’d love to.

Paul: So what should we wear?

Sam: I’m sure you guys look great in anything.

All: Aw.

Bradley: You should’ve said that.

Sam: So, I’ll see you in a couple days.

Rachel: Yeah.

Bradley, Jon, Hannah and Paul: Yeah.

(Sam leaves them)

(The song called “Love Train” is playing) (At the cafe)

Joni: Mmm. George Clooney’s eyes. The new George Clooney’s smile. And he had George Clooney’s body. It was love at first sight.

Jo, Rachel and Tina: Aw.

Paul, Jon and Bradley: (sigh)

Jo: So why are you still with him?

Joni: Well, he didn’t quite have George Clooney’s wallet.

Paul: You don’t really believe in love at first sight, do ya?

Joni: Yeah, I do.

Bradley: Has it ever actually happened to you?

Joni: No.

Jo: I had loved her face that once. That was quite nice.

Rachel: My part of the third sight. Mmm. That was lovely.

Joni: Well, I’ve had love at no sight. Beat that.

Bradley: How did you manage that?

Joni: Well, I met him on the internet. We exchanged romantic emails for months. He told me that he was a 45 year old millionaire with his own airplane, but then when I finally met him, he was a 14 year old squirrel with his own skateboard.

(Group laughs)

Jon: Yeah. Well, I think it’s a lot of old rubbish, anyway.

Jo: (to Jon) Well, you would.

(He stands up)

Paul: I’ve had, I’ve had hate of first sight, a mild irritation, a second and, um, you’re not so bad after all at third. Does that count?

Tina: No.

Paul: Oh.

(Jon watches the girl walking by and she looks at him) (However, he rushes out of the cafe looking for her)

Bradley: What’s the matter with him?

Jo: I have no idea.

Tina: Come on. Let’s go.

Paul: Where?

Rachel: He said we’d write some more songs today. Remember?

Paul: Yeah, but what is the point?

Bradley: There are all these good songs. We’ve got no record contract. We’ve got no money. Our agent is rubbish.

Paul: No proper gigs.

Rachel: What about the prom?

Paul: All right. One proper gig.

Bradley: Yeah. But our agent didn’t even get us there.

Paul: Yeah. Guys, I really don’t want us to be one of those bands who just do kids’ parties and old people’s retirement homes and bar mitzvahs.

Tina: We’re not going to do that.

Jo: No way.

Hannah: Hey! Guess what, everyone? Our agent’s got us a gig out of a mitzvahs. What?

Paul: You see, we’ve gotta get a new agent.

Joni: I’m happy to help you with that.

Rachel: Really? How?

Joni: Well, I had a bit of a thing with an agent one time.

Jo: Really? Was it love at first sight?

Joni: No. It was love at first smell. Or he had this great aftershave.

(Group laughs)

Jon: But, what if I never see her again?

Tina: You will.

Jon: But, what if she was like the love of my life and I’ve seen her for 20 seconds and that was it, and now I’ve lost her forever.

Hannah: Yeah. Well, at least it lasted longer than some of Bradley’s relationships.

(Joni comes in to see them)

Joni: I was thinking about what you guys said the other day about needing a new agent and I think I have an idea.

Paul: Yeah?

Joni: Yeah. Well, I did a little bit of acting in the 70s and I had this great agent and he got me this fantastic part on Charlie’s Angels.

Bradley: You was in Charlie’s Angels?

Joni: I was the fourth angel.

Hannah: There was only 3 angels on Charlie’s Angels.

Joni: Well, there were four originally but, um, on the first day of filming, Charlie made a pass with me and, um, I kind of hit him and he ended up in the hospital, so, um, that’s why you never see his face.

Tina: So who was your agent?

Joni: Oh. Um, Mr. Walters at Walters Wilson and Walters.

All: Let’s go get him!

(They all stand up and set off to see Mr. Walters at the agent as the song called “Stand By You” is playing)

Joni: Good luck!

(At the Talent Agency)

Hannah: We were wondering if Mr. Walters would like to be our agent.

Receptionist: His books are full.

Tina: We’re really good.

Receptionist: His books are full.

Jo: And we work really hard.

Receptionist: His books are full.

Paul: (clears throats) Okay, without saying the words “His books are full.”, could you possibly tell us when the next available appointment with Mr. Walters is?

Receptionist: His bo…

Paul: Uh, uh, uh, uh.

(Receptionist turns the book over)

Receptionist: May, next year.

Jo: You’re joking.

Receptionist: His books are full.

Tina: All right, all right. You get the message.

Jon: God, even my dog’s got bigger vocabulary than that.

(They all have to leave the reception for next year)

Hannah: A lot was a waste of time.

Paul: Well, what we need to do is we need to get through her to him.

Bradley: Yeah, and let them hear some of our music.

Paul: Yeah.

Jo: Yeah. And how are we gonna do that?

Paul: Uh. I’ve got a plan. Huddle, guys.

(They all huddle to Paul as he has a plan as the song called “Stand By You” is back on playing) (So they all have to wear their disguise then they come into the Talent Agency)

Paul: Pizza.

Jon: Parcels.

Tina: Champagne.

Rachel: Flowers.

Jo: Cake.

Hannah: Balloons.

Bradley: Um, bite on my hamburger?

Paul: Bradley, you weren’t listening when I told you the plan, were you?

Bradley: Not really, no.

(He drags Bradley)

(Group comes into Mr. Walters’ office)

Paul: Mr. Walters!

Mr. Walters: Can’t you see I’m busy?

Paul: But we’re a band, Mr. Walters.

Hannah: The S Club 7, Mr. Walters.

Jo: And we want to sing you a song.

Mr. Walters: Troup. Hey, no way.

Rachel: But we bought you presents.

Mr. Walters: Well, maybe. Hit it!

(Group sings “S Club Party” to them)

Chorus: girls, boys: S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)

Post-Chorus: All: (Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air

(Ooh, ooh) Like you just don’t care

(Ooh, ooh) There’s a party over there

Mr. Walters: Ha, ha! Nothing. But not bad at all. And now get out of here.

Hannah: No, wait. We’re singing at the high school prom tomorrow night.

Tina: Would you come and see us?

Mr. Walters: Which school?

Bradley: West Beverly High.

Mr. Walters: Really? My son goes there.

Jon: Oh, great. So does that mean you’re gonna come and see us soon?

Mr. Walters: Well, you know, I’m not sure the thing is my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.

Rachel: Oh, that’s a shame.

Mr. Walters: I said my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.

Rachel: Yeah, I heard you the first time.

Mr. Walters: No. I don’t think you did. My son needs a date for the prom.

Paul: That’s okay. Rachel will go with him.

Rachel: What?

Mr. Walters: How kind of you to offer he accepts.

Rachel: No, listen. I’m really sorry, but I can’t take your son to the school prom. I already had… (Jo stamps Rachel’s foot) Ow!

Paul: Sore foot! She was just gonna say she’s got a sore… uh!

Mr. Walters: No problem. My son’s not that good dancer, anyway. Leave your address with the secretary. We’ll pick you up at 7pm.

Rachel: Thanks a lot, guys.

Bradley: Well, Rach, it’s for the good of the band.

Hannah: Oh, yeah, and don’t worry about Sam. We’ll take care of him.

Rachel: Yeah. That’s what worries me.

Jon: Oh my God! There she is!

(Jon sees the girl walking)

Jon: She’s perfect.

Jo: She walks a bit slowly though, doesn’t she?

(Jon runs away to find her)

Hannah: How come he can never catch her up when she walks so slowly?

(The song called “Best Friend” is playing) (Girls talk at the table when they hear someone knocking at the door. Rachel opens the door and lets Sam in)

Sam: Hey.

Rachel: Hi.

Sam: The door was unlocked downstairs so I just let myself in.

Rachel: But you’re early. 2 hours early.

Sam: Oh, I’m sorry. You’re not ready yet, are you?

Rachel: No. But, that’s not the problem. I have something to tell you. I’m afraid I can’t go out with you tonight.

Sam: You’re not going?

Rachel: No. Well, I am going, but… Well, it’s a long story, but basically I have to take Billy Walters.

Sam: Billy Walters?

Rachel: I’m sorry. I really am, but so you don’t have to go alone. I’ve found an alternative date for you.

Sam: Oh, thanks, but no thanks. If I can’t go with you, then I’m just not gonna go at all.

Rachel: Well, at least let me introduce you before you make up your mind. (to Jo, Tina and Hannah) Girls?

(Jo, Tina and Hannah stand up, meet Sam and wave at him)

Jo, Tina and Hannah: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Th-They are my date? All of them?

Rachel: Yep.

Sam: This is the happiest day of my life.

(Girls laugh and Sam hugs them) (The song called “Best Friend” is playing again)

(Next evening, group is getting ready for the prom as Paul and Bradley come downstairs)

Tina: So, plan A: We sing at the prom. Mr. Walters loves us. We get a record contract which leads to… (opening her fan) worldwide domination.

(Doorbell buzzes)

Jon: I’ll get it.

Hannah: So, what’s Plan B?

Tina: Uh, there is no Plan B.

(Jon opens the door and in comes Billy)

Jon: Hey.

Billy: Hi. I’m Billy.

Rachel: Hi, Billy. I’m Rachel.

Billy: You’re my date?

Rachel: Yeah.

(Billy is about to fall down)

Billy: Whoa!

Paul: Whoa, there. Easy.

Billy: Sorry. I, I, I wasn’t expecting. I’m a little nervous.

Bradley: Um, Billy? Where’s your dad? Is he in the car or is he coming later?

Billy: Oh, yeah. My dad said to say he’s not coming because his books are full.

Jo: (to Rachel) Plan B, it all goes horribly wrong.

Billy: Do you not want to be my date anymore?

Rachel: Of course I do. Come on. We’re gonna have a great time.

(Billy and Rachel leave)

Sam: So, are you girls ready to go?

Tina: Of course we are.

Hannah: I think so.

Jo: We’re ready.

Hannah: Come on.

(Hannah, Jo and Tina are all ready to go)

Paul: I really can’t believe that you’re taking Hannah, Tina and Jo to the prom.

Bradley: Yeah. Me neither.

Sam: I know. 3 dates. Well, this is gonna be the best evening ever.

Jon: How wrong could he be?

(Music is heard in the background as they all go into the West Beverly High Prom)

(At the prom, the people are here and they dance as the others sit at each side of tables) (Sam gives the girls some drinks)

Sam: So, why don’t you tell me about yourselves?

(Girls talk to him together)

Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys! One at a time, okay? Why don’t we start with you, Jo?

Jo: All right. Um, but first of all, I’m a bit hot, so can you take my jacket?

(Jo takes her jacket off and gives it to Sam)

Sam: Sure.

Tina: Yeah, and I’m a bit cold, so can you go and get mine?

Hannah: Ugh! I don’t like that. Can you get me something else? Something orangey, but not orange juice or squash and nothing with bubbles.

(Hannah gives Sam a squash she doesn’t like)

Sam: Okay.

(Jo finishes drinking and gives Sam her glass)

Jo: Ah. Get some other one of those, will ya? I’m parched.

Sam: Okay. I’ll be right back.

(Billy is having a piece of cake and putting it on his plate)

Bully #1: Hey. Thought you said you had a date, Mr. Geek.

Bully #2: Who’s your date, dork-o?

Bully #1: Where is she, Mr. Nerds Bill?

Rachel: Right here.

(She is coming over to see them)

Bully #1: You’re his date?

Rachel: Yeah.

Bully #2: How come?

Rachel: Well, I had to fight a few other girls off first, but I finally got him in to notice me.

(The 2 bullies notice her when she has a date with Billy as the song called “Bring the House Down” is playing)

(At the table, the girls are sitting around while Sam comes back with another drink for Tina)

Tina: Hey, sir. Do you wanna dance?

Sam: Sure.

(Tina is about to dance with Sam but Hannah and Jo get up and give him a tug)

Hannah: No. I don’t feel like dancing. Sam, let’s go outside.

Jo: No. I’m hungry. Why don’t we go and get some food?

Tina: No! He wants to dance! Don’t you, sir?

Hannah: He doesn’t! He wants to go outside! Don’t you, sir?!

Jo: He doesn’t! He wants to go and get some food! Don’t you, Sam?!

Sam: Well, I…

(They are still tugging him as his clothes get torn)

Bully #1: Look at his geeky glasses.

Bully #2: And his stupid hair and square clothes.

Rachel: I think your clothes are great and your hair is really sexy.

Billy: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Billy: W-Wo-Would you like to dance with me?

Rachel: Sure.

(So Rachel and Billy stand up to have a nice dance)

Bully #1: (laughs) Look at the nerd dance!

Bully #2: Hey, Billy, you’re such a jerk!

Paul: What are you talking about? He’s a wicker dancer!

Jon: Yeah, I mean we all dance around, don’t we?

Bradley: Yeah. It’s the latest thing.

(So Bradley and the boys join in and dance together)

Jo: I want chips. English chips. Not American chips.

Hannah: And get me a sandwich, will you? Not from here. From the deli across the road.

Tina: And take my jacket and get me another drink!

Sam: All right. Okay.

Jo: And hurry up about it. We’re on stage in a minute.

Tina: Time when you are, isn’t it?

Hannah: Yeah, he’s quite hot.

Jo: Yeah.

Sam: (sighs) What a nightmare.

(They all get on the stage ready to sing)

Bradley: Okay, everyone. I hope you enjoyed your prom. Fellas, grab your ladies because we’re gonna sing a song few called “Two In a Million.”

Intro: Jo: Oh-oh, ooh

Ah

Verse 1: Jo: Out of all the boys, you’re not like the others

From the very first day, I knew we’d be lovers

In my wildest dreams, my darkest desire

Would I declare to you, your love takes me higher

Bridge: Jo: Just when we both thought our lives were set in stone

They shone in light and brought us together

Chorus: All, Jo: We are two in a million

We’ve got all for luck we could be given

If the world should stop (The world, should stop)

We’ll still have each other

And no matter what (No matter what)

We’ll be forever as one

Verse 2: Jo: It’s a crazy world where everything’s changing

One minute you’re up, and the next thing you’re breaking

When I lose my way, and the skies, they get heavy (Mm)

It’ll be okay the moment you’re with me

Bridge: Jo: No one would have guessed we’d be standing strong today

Solid as a rock and perfect in every way

Chorus: All, Jo: We are two in a million

We’ve got all for luck (The luck) we could be given

If the world should stop

We’ll still have each other (Oh)

And no matter what (No matter what)

We’ll be forever as one

No matter what (No matter, no matter what)

We’ll be forever as one

No matter what (No matter what)

We’ll be forever as one

(Jon sees a girl) (So he gets off the stage and he comes close to kiss her as they applause) (They all get off the stage and they see Mr. Walters)

Tina: (gasps) Mr. Walters! You’re here!

Bradley: I thought you said your books are full.

Mr. Walters: No. Who told you that? Hey. It’s L.A. It’s all just an illusion. Full, empty, hot, cold success failure. It’s all just the same thing. What is it different?

Paul: (laughs) Fair play. I see what you mean. Or do what?

Mr. Walters: Hey. You’re learning.

Hannah: So what did you think?

Jo: Yeah, will you sign us up?

Mr. Walters: I sure will! You guys are great! Huh?

(They all cheer and hug him)

(The song called “Natural” by S Club 7 is playing) (Rachel is standing there holding her drink)

Billy: Hey, Rachel! That was great.

Rachel: Thanks.

Billy: Oh, listen. Um, there’s no easy way for me to say this, but, I think it’s time to move on.

Rachel: I’m sorry?

Billy: I had a great time and everything but I don’t think we should date anymore.

Rachel: What? You’re checking me?

Billy: Yeah. Sorry. I hope we can still be friends.

Rachel: Yeah, of course we can.

Billy: Okay.

(Then he leaves with her girls) (The song called “I Really Miss You” is now playing) (Sam comes to Rachel)

Sam: Hey.

Rachel: Hi.

Sam: How’s your evening?

Rachel: Okay. How about yours?

Sam: Not great. Do you wanna dance?

Rachel: Yeah.

(Then he is about to dance with her)

(Billy dances with another man) (Jon returns to them)

Paul: Well.

Bradley: Well what? Where’s your mystery woman?

Jon: Oh, her! Oh, well, you know, she was great and, and it was great.

Paul: And?

Jon: And well, you know how it is. You know, we had a great evening and then, then she asked my phone number and she said she wanted to see me again and, well, you know what happens when you commit to another day then you end up like married with 18 kids in a mortgage.

Paul: She chucked you, didn’t she?

Jon: Yeah. She’s with Billy.

(Jon looks at the woman who dances with Billy)

Jon: It was love at first sight.

Hannah: Oh, I’m sorry.

Jon: That’s okay.

Tina: You know, the best way to deal the situation like that is to behave with dignity and grace.

Hannah: Maturity. Good humour.

Jo: Yeah, you know what they say. Live and let live.

Tina: Look. There’s Rachel.

(They see Rachel kissing Sam)

Hannah: She’s with our date!

Jo: I’m gonna kill her. (pushing Jon and Bradley out of the way) Oi! Rachel!

(Jo, Hannah and Tina are about to stop Rachel from being in their date with Sam)

Episode 7: House Sitting

(The song called “Best Friend” is playing) (The band are sitting down at the cafe eating lollies)

Rachel: (to Jon) Do you know something? Why can’t we leave our own Chateau Style Terrace?

Jon: What are you reading, Rach?

Rachel: The big vulgar House Magazine. The magazine of big vulgar houses.

Jon: Rachel’s getting restless again, guys.

Rachel: No. Not restless. Just curious. Don’t you ever wonder what it’d be like to live in one of those big houses like rich and famous people do.

Jon: Maybe you mean like one of those amazing mansion in Bel-Air with like the 30m Art Deco pool and their own cinema and A Philip Star Kitchen and like six different kinds of palm trees.

Rachel: Yes!

Jon: No.

(Jo and Paul come in)

Paul: Joni Alert! Joni Alert! Bandits 4:00! I repeat, Joni Alert!

Bradley: Oh, no. It can’t be rent there already, can it?

Jon: It can.

Tina: When you owe as much money as we do, every day is a rent day.

Paul: And she had one of those really mean looks on her face. You know, like the one that says…

Jo: Eviction.

Hannah: Eviction? Oh, no!

(They all get up panicking)

All: No!

Bradley: What’s all the panic for? What could she do to us anyway?

Jon: (to Bradley) Oh, you mean apart from like sell of all our possessions, kicks out the apartment and probably gets checked out the country. Not much, Bradley.

Bradley: Sell of our possessions? What, you mean like my CDs?

Jon: Yeah, and your Britney Spears go skating posters!

Bradley: This is terrible, Jon! Joni Alert! Joni Alert!

(Bradley joins in as well)

(Joni arrives to look for them somewhere)

Joni: Have you seen the kids?

Alphonse: No. I don’t like kids. When I see kids, I feel sick. So I don’t see kids, then I feel better.

Joni: I saw them come in here, Alphonse. Now don’t lie to me. Where are they?

(They can hear someone squeaking then “Shh!”) (Joni comes to the counter to see if the group are down behind the counter)

Jon: Guys, see. It’s just like I was telling you. The tiles on this side of the counter are just the same as the tiles on that side.

All: Oh.

Jon: Oh, Joni. Hi. What a pleasant surprise.

Joni: All right, everybody. Out from behind the counter, pronto.

(Group gets up and comes out of the counter)

Joni: And bring your wallets.

Alphonse: Kids. They’re like mice. They get in through the smaller spaces.

Hannah: Can I see who’s probably now… (sneezing)

Alphonse: Gesundheit.

Hannah: Thanks.

(Group hands some money out on the table and Paul puts lollipop on the table)

Joni: That’s it. That’s all you have. You guys, I’m looking for the rent here. Not a tip for the bus, boy.

Jon: Look, Joni. We are trying. We’re really looking hard for some work, aren’t we, guys?

All: Hm.

Jon: Aren’t you?

All: Yes!

(They talk together)

Joni: All right, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do here. Instead of throwing you out, I’m going to go proactive. I’m going to help you guys to help yourselves and in turn, help myself to…

Bradley: Help yourself to what?

Joni: To half your wages. Now here’s the deal, a friend of mine just called and asked if I knew 3 sensible kids who wanted to do some house sitting.

Hannah: And do you? Because if you don’t, then I’m sure I might know some…

Paul: Hannah.

Bradley: House sitting? Is that like when you sit around someone else’s pool? You eat with their food and you get paid for it.

Joni: No. That’s where you watch somebody’s property in a conscientious and professional manner.

Hannah: And then you sit around the pool all day munching their food.

(Bradley chuckles)

Joni: Okay. Well, there’s 2 kids who obviously have other working plans for the next few weeks.

Hannah: No. We were only joking.

Bradley: Yeah. We are sensible. In fact, that’s what the SNS Club stands for.

Tina: Too late. You’ve blown it.

Bradley: Oh.

Debi: I saw from your resume that you’ve listed your harries as looking at old churches, and helping senior citizens cross busy roads.

Paul: Mmm. Well, Debi, you know, I do what I can in between the voluntary litter collecting.

Debi: Litter collecting? You do that for a fun?

Paul: Well, no. Not, not really fun. It’s more of a…

Rachel: Citizenly duty.

Jo: Yeah, you can only take out of society what you put in, Debi.

Debi: Mmm.

Paul: I mean as I always say “A litter-free world is a better world.”

Debi: That’s incredible, because I’m a volunteer community litter collector too! Venture litter box, litter box, go, go, go!

(Paul laughs)

Debi: So, do you guys have your own song?

Rachel: We do, actually, yeah. But Paul always likes to sing that one, don’t you, Paul?

Paul: (nodding, then singing) We broom. We brush.

Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: (singing) We don’t make a fuss.

Debi, Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: (singing) Dropping litter is a sin.

Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: (singing) So, put it in the bin.

Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: (singing) We broom, we brush!

Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: (singing) But don’t make no fuss!

Debi, Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: (singing) Dropping litter is a sin!

Debi, Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: (singing) So, put it in the bin.

Debi, Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: (singing) Broom and broom and broom and brush!

Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: (singing) Broom and broom and broom and brush.

Rachel and Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Paul: All right.

(They stop at the Bel-Air Mansion)

Rachel: Wow! Look at that pool! The others are gonna be so jealous when they see this.

Jo: Rachel, that’s not very kind. Yeah, they are, aren’t they?

Debi: What do you mean others?

Jo: Um…

Debi: I hope you’re not thinking about getting your friends here. The owner has spent millions getting this place together. It’s your job to make sure it stays that way.

Paul: Debi, I couldn’t agree more, and that’s exactly what we’re gonna do. So, why don’t we go off and talk about the security operations.

Jo: She’s having a laugh, isn’t she?

Debi: Paul, I’m a little worried about those other two. Are you sure they’re not…party animals?

Paul: Debi, Debi, trust me. They are so sensible. They always look both ways when they’re crossing the bathroom.

(Jo and Rachel give a little dance and they see a lovely statue)

Jo: Oh. Interesting. Italian Renaissance, I’d say.

Rachel: Yes. Definitely. Shame about the nudity, though. Is that quite necessary?

Jo: Oh, I don’t know. The youth of today.

Rachel: Mmm.

(They’ve been looking around in the size of the bedroom)

Rachel: Did you see the size of that bedroom?

Jo: Did you see the size of that bed? You got seven of us in there and still 11 enough room for another six and a half pounds.

(She giggles, then they laugh) (Paul is writing down on the clipboard when Jo and Rachel return)

Jo and Rachel: Hi, Paul!

Paul: Look. Before we do anything else, I thought we just better sit down and draw up this list of duties.

Rachel: Duties? Debi’s gone now, Paul. You can stop pretending to be sensible.

Paul: Look, I’m not pretending. We’ve got a huge responsibility here and I don’t want to mess it up.

Jo: No. You’re right.

Rachel: Yeah. I mean we’re mature adults, aren’t we?

Jo and Rachel: Oh, yeah!

(They run and jump into the pool as the song called “Stand By You” is playing)

Alphonse: So, you give the customers what they want. You give it to them fast and you give it to them with a smile. You do not bang it down on the table and you do not spill it on their lap. Got that?

Jon: Yeah, we got that, Alphonse. Loud and clear.

Bradley: Okay. Don’t spill it on their lap. Remember that. Very important.

Alphonse: You got 2 days of work, then I get my regular waitress back. The cute one. What? People like cute.

Jon: Well, we can’t promise you cute but we can promise you efficient.

Alphonse: Aww.

Bradley: This looks like it’s gonna be a very boring job, Jon.

Jon: Well, anything’s better than just sitting around waiting for an invitation up to the big house.

Bradley: What invitations?

Jon: Exactly.

(Bradley sees the Rich Girl coming in with the other girl)

Bradley: But on the other hand.

(They sit down at the table)

Bradley: There are compensations.

(Back at the Bel-Air Mansion, the song is called “Bring the House Down” is playing as Jo is having a nice relax outside at the little pool. Rachel is bouncing on the bed feeling very happy. Paul is feeling very hungry so he is having a lovely piece of chicken leg)

(At the apartment, Jo is opening the fridge door and all he can see is an orange)

(Rachel is looking around and going into the bathroom where it has sinks, shower and toilets. Then she goes into the next bathroom. But she has had enough of it)

(Meanwhile, Tina, Hannah and Jon are so desperate before Bradley comes out of the toilet. So they try to go to the toilet each but Jon falls)

(Paul is having a snack of chicken legs and a piece of salmon)

(Hannah is watching something on TV but Bradley has to watch the football. Then Hannah takes the remote back and turns it back on. But Bradley takes it and Hannah tries to get it back)

(Paul, Jo and Rachel are watching the movie on TV)

(Bradley and Hannah are still trying to have a remote while watching)

(Rachel is now getting bored lying on the bed while Jo is back in the pool feeling bored. Then Paul is having another piece of chicken leg but he burps) (Rachel is lying on the bed and then sitting up)

Intro: Jo: Ooh yeah, oh

Oh yeah

Verse 1: Jo: As the night draws in, let the game begin

It’s a groove thing

Let your feet decide, gonna catch a ride

Keep on moving

Pre-Chorus: Jo: So let’s float away

The moon can’t be that hard to reach

The night will just take us there

And all you gotta do is, all you gotta do is

Chorus: All: Bring the house down

Raise the roof and get on the floor

(House down, raise the roof, get on the floor)

Let’s bring the house down

Really wanna hear you shouting more, more, more

(Really wanna hear some more)

Verse 2: Jo: You can stay in bed with a sleepy head

Doing nothing

You can always try just to walk on

But it will pull you in

Pre-Chorus: Jo: We’re flying away

We’ll fall into this fantasy

Where the groove will carry us on

And all we gotta do is, all we gotta do is

Chorus: All: Bring the house down

Raise the roof and get on the floor

(House down, raise the roof, get on the floor)

Let’s bring the house down

Really wanna hear you shouting more, more, more

(Really wanna hear some more)

Bridge: Jo and Jon: Everybody do your thing

Let’s bring the house down

Everybody spread your wings

Let’s bring the house down (Down, down, down)

Pre-Chorus: Jo: So let’s float away

The moon can’t be that hard to reach

The night will just take us there

And all you gotta do is, all you gotta do is

Chorus: All, Jo: Bring the house down

Raise the roof and get on the floor

(House down, raise the roof, get on the floor)

(Oh yeah) Let’s bring the house down

Really wanna hear you shouting more, more, more

(Really wanna hear some more)

Let’s bring the house down, yeah

Raise the roof and get on the floor

(House down, raise the roof, get on the floor) Oh yeah, baby

Let’s bring the house down, yeah

Raise the roof and get on the floor

(House down, raise the food, get on the floor) Oh yeah, baby

Let’s bring the house…

(Jo is in the pool and then the music stops)

Jo: So bored! (grunts)

(They are having their dinner at the table in the mansion thinking that they are doing nothing)

Paul: This is nice!

Rachel: Yeah.

(The phone rings as Paul picks it up to see what she says)

Jo: Can you pass the salt please?

Paul: Okay.

(So Paul passes the salt down to Jo)

Jo: Thanks.

Rachel: It’s great to have a bit of space, though, isn’t it?

Paul: Yeah. Makes all the difference.

Jo: I hate it.

Paul: I really miss the others.

Jo: Let’s see if we can get them round tomorrow.

Rachel: Yeah, but what if they don’t want to come?

(Meanwhile, the rest of the band are sharing the food to eat)

Jon: Well, this is nice, isn’t it?

Hannah: Yeah. We don’t need the others. We can have fun on our own.

Tina: Yeah.

Bradley: Yeah.

(Phone rings and Jon gets it and speaks to someone on the phone)

Jon: Hello? Oh, hi, Jo. How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re having a great time. How about you?

Jo: (speaking to Jon on the phone) It’s brilliant. It’s a lot of fun.

Jon: You want us and come and see you?

(Bradley, Tina and Hannah nod)

Jon: Well, um, I’m not sure what we’re doing tomorrow.

(They hold up a sign saying “Nothing!” on it)

Jo: Well, only if you feel like it. I mean it’s no big deal.

Rachel: Yes.

(Paul nods)

Jo: We’ll have a party about 8 o’clock.

Jon: Wicked. No worries. See you tomorrow.

Jo: Okay then. See ya.

Jon: Bye. Yes!

(Each of them stands up and hugs each other as the song called “Reach” is playing)

(Tina and Hannah are walking along and they see a lot of men with motorcycles)

Hannah: There’s that boy you fancy.

Tina: Okay. Wouldn’t say anything. I’m just gonna play it cool.

Rick: Hey, Tina. What’s up?

Tina: Um, I’m going to a party tonight. Do you wanna come?

Rick: Yeah. Sure.

Hannah: Nice one, Teen. That was really cool.

(The song called “The Colour of Blue” is playing)

Bradley: You think she’s come back to see me.

Jon: No, but don’t let that stop you.

Bradley: Don’t worry. I won’t. (He comes downstairs to see the Rich Girl) Your diet cola, ma’am.

Rich Girl: Oh, excuse me. Did I order a drink?

Bradley: So I’m psychic. Diet decaf with ice on the lime twist, right?

Rich Girl: (chuckles) Half twist, actually.

Bradley: Oh. (He cuts the lime in half with a pair of scissors) So, uh, what are you doing tonight?

Rich Girl: I’m sorry. I don’t do waiters.

Bradley: Quite right. Well, actually, I’m not a waiter. I’m an actor.

Rich Girl: Who isn’t?

Bradley: I’m researching apart from movie about waiters and the studio rated me a $20 million mansion up in Bel-Air.

Rich Girl: $20 million, huh?

Bradley: I’m having a party tonight if you wanna come.

Rich Girl: Mhm.

(The song called “Bring the House Down” is playing) (Bell rings at the mansion; Jo opens the door and lets everyone in)

All: Yay!

(They all hug each other)

Bradley: How are you doing, Paul?

(Suddenly, they hear someone else knocking at the door then Rachel opens the door)

Rick: Hi. I’m a friend of Tina’s. I uh… I brought some friends.

(Then all of the bike men come in to have a party)

Man #1: Party!

Man #2: Let’s party!

Hannah: I don’t know whether that was such a good idea, Teen.

Paul: Ooh, be careful of the…

(Glass breaks off-screen) (Bell rings again)

Rich Girl: Hi. I’m a friend of Bradley’s. Bradley, I brought some friends. I hope you don’t mind.

(Rich Girl and some friends also come in to join the party)

Jo: Why does everyone have to keep saying that?

(Everyone is dancing around while having a party and one of the glasses is smashed to pieces) (The other people are outside at the pool drinking and dancing a little bit)

Jo: (to Rick) Can you not go near the lamp? Don’t go near the lamp! Don’t go near the lamp!

Paul: Can you keep it down please? Hannah! Can you keep it down? Can you keep it down please?

(Bradley is dancing with another girl named Paige. Rachel stand there as Jo cleans it up but she stops and looks at the strong man breaking the glass with his foot)

Jo: Can you try and have a little bit of respect? That was a lonely expensive one. Don’t do it anymore. I want you to get out.

(They are dancing around still as Jo and Rachel tidy them up) (Paul is standing there looking at the man smashing glass on the floor; Bradley dances with Paige) (Two other men are eating ice cream)

Paul: Oh, no, no, no. That ice cream isn’t for eating now. Have you tried the pistachio? It’s really nice.

(Outside of the mansion)

Rich Girl: So, what’s your movie about?

Bradley: The movie. Um… Basically, me and Hugh Grant, we play these, um, two English waiters, who have to raise money for this poor blind kid who wants the train to become a chef. So, uh, they do this bang robbery. Yeah. Big Heist. But it goes wrong. So, we have to hide the money in a… in, in a big cake.

Paige: Hey, that’s cool!

Bradley: Yeah, in a big creamy cake. But, um, that gets stolen by the angry fat people.

Rich Girl: Sounds kind of dumb.

Bradley: Yeah, there’s dumb and there’s dumb. I mean this is dumb, innit? But, in a kind of more deep meaningful way.

(Rich Girl stands up and leaves)

Bradley: Cheers then. Anyway, yeah, me and Hugh Grant. We go way back. Yeah.

Paige: Oh, he’s so cool.

Bradley: Yeah, he’s a good friend of mine.

Paige: I’m a big fan of his.

Bradley: Yeah.

Paige: He’s wonderful. Cool.

Bradley: Yeah.

(Music changes as the man holds the grapes and that girl eats it, then Paul still thinks there’s a mess around. Popcorn comes out of the microwave. He comes to Jon)

Paul: Jon, what is going on? Who are all these people?

Jon: I’ve got no idea, mate. But if you can’t beat them, you might as well join them.

Paul: Join them? Join them? Look! Look, are you mad? Look at what they’re doing to the statue!

Jon: Oh, it’s too late. It’s gone too far. Instead of fighting against the tide, you might as well just let yourself get swept out to see.

(So Paul and Jon open the cans of coke and get swept) (Everyone is holding onto each other and dancing around in circle) (Everyone else is also dancing outside as well)

(Next morning, everything is all over the statue, pool and every place inside as everyone is sleeping) (Paul wakes up; Bradley also wakes up)

Bradley: All right, bro?

Paul: All right.

(He can see that man with glasses and a beard is waking up)

Paul: (screaming like a girl)

Bradley: (screaming like a girl)

Man with beard: What time is breakfast?

(Two bike men stand up; Jo and Paul look around thinking there’s a lot of mess everywhere)

Paul: That’s it. We’re dead.

Jo: Yeah, well noticed.

(Then they look around in this kitchen as Paul finishes rating a last bit of chicken leg)

(After the Rich Girl and the man leave the mansion)

Tina: Oh, he fancied this bike, really?

Jo: (sighs) Look at the mess. This is bad. We’re dead.

Rachel: Dead as doornails.

Hannah: Guys, we better tidy up.

(Joni and Debi come in but they see what they did)

Hannah: Before five?

Bradley: But what kind of music do you like at your funeral?

(Debi cries)

Joni: Here, drink some water. Are you okay?

Debi: I think I’m gonna die. (She drinks)

Joni: (to everyone) We gave you guys our trust and this is how you repay us? Look what you’ve done to this place! I mean you could be sued, I could be sued. If we stay out of jail, it’ll be a total miracle.

Jo: Oh, come on, Joni. Don’t overdo it.

Rachel: Okay. So there were couple of glasses broken, but it’s-it’s more mess than anything.

Jon: Yeah. Just think of it like a kind of big city rubbish tip.

Joni: What are you guys gonna do about this?

Paul: Maybe we should call Ventura dustbusters. Maybe not.

Joni: You are so lucky that the owner is not here. That’s all I can say.

(The white car turns up at the mansion. He opens the car and lets the Rock Star out) (Rock Star opens the doors and comes in)

Debi: Oh my god! He is! (She faints)

Rock Star: You the house sitters?

Hannah, Jon, Tina and Bradley: They are!

Paul: Are?

Rock Star: What did you do to my house? I leave this place in your charge as a monument to taste discretion and power pelting. I come back after a few weeks and what do I find?

(They don’t know)

Rock Star: I said what do I find?

Paul: A scene of complete devastation?

Rock Star: Exactly!

Hannah: This one isn’t broken?

Rock Star: My first wife gave me this vase. (smashing the vase on the ground) No wonder I never like this place. It was always far too tidy. I had forgotten what it was like to let my hair down. But you guys have reminded me that rock and roll still lives. You are the best house sitters ever. So, what are you waiting for? Let’s PARTY!

(They cheer)

Rachel: What, again?

(The song called “Love Train” is playing)

Rachel: Oh, isn’t this nice one of us living together again?

All: Yeah.

Jo: Good dinner, Tina.

Tina: Pleasure.

Rachel: Yeah. It’s not much, but it’s home.

Paul: Especially now we’ve managed to pay for it for once.

Rachel: Paul, you can stop being sensible now.

Paul: Okay.

(Paul flicks beans at Rachel) (Group laughs)

Episode 8: Mr. Muscle

Paul: You ready, Brad?

Bradley: I am indeed, bro.

Paul: Okay. Let’s do it then, yeah?

Bradley: Alright.

(Paul starts filming)

Paul: You’re moving closer so I can see your face.

(Bradley shows him the card saying “Un Film De Paul Cattermole” then drops it and shows him the next one saying “S Club-LA Story: A Musical Journey”)

Paul: (sighs annoyingly) Bradley!

Bradley: Paul, no one wants to see your handwriting, alright? If we’re gonna make a doc soap, they wanna see a character. A star. A geezer, and luckily, I’m available.

Paul: Brad, just drop the card.

(Then Bradley drops the second card, then he shows him the third one saying “Conceived, written, photographed & edited by Paul Cattermole. A Cattermole Production”)

Paul: Okay. Excellent.

(He starts filming around closer to Hannah who is busy watching something on TV)

Hannah: Yes? Can I help you?

Paul: Hannah Spearritt, famous singer and actress from the UK. What she lacks in inches, she makes up for her in talent. So, Hannah, tell us. How does it feel being complete nobody in the UK and completely unknown in the US?

Hannah: Bog off, Paul.

Paul: Fair enough.

(Bradley picks up the phone)

Bradley: The name’s McIntosh. Bradley McIntosh. License to kill and to thrill the ladies.

Paul: Bradley, I’ll come back to you when I’m desperate.

(Then he films around to Rachel and Jo who are busy washing the dishes)

Jo: So you say “He’s rich. He’s handsome and he’s a great kisser.” Rachel, I already don’t see what your problem is.

Rachel: Well, I kind of may have sort of told him that I was a member of the British royal family.

(They see Paul with the camera)

Rachel: Paul, we’re trying to have a private conversation here.

Paul: Just treat me like I’m not here.

Jo: That’d be easier when you’re gone.

Paul: Jo, who’s happy-go-lucky exterior masks a violent personality?

Rachel: Go away.

Paul: Oh. Ooh! Oh, look. You think some people will be grateful to have a documentary made about them?

Jo: Paul, you’ve been making this documentary for the past 3 weeks. It was quite funny at first.

Rachel: No. That’s just irritating.

Paul: I know, I know. But I’ve only got 400 hours of footage and most of that has Bradley in it.

Jo: Well, go film something else then.

Rachel: Yeah. Jon’s in the bath. Go film in.

Paul: Cool.

(Hannah is still watching something on TV as Tina is about to go to Muscle Beach)

Woman on TV: Why do you think this guy killed you?

Tina: Okay, I’m off to Muscle Beach.

Hannah: Okay.

Tina: It’s the first day of my job down there.

Hannah: Go.

Woman on TV: She was pushed!

Tina: I’m teaching a class called dance yourself fit.

Hannah: Okay.

Woman on TV: (weeping)

Tina: Then later, I plan to be abducted by aliens, and dissected.

Hannah: Gotcha.

Tina: You don’t care, do you? You don’t give a part that I’m the only one in this apartment with a proper job.

Woman on TV: Let me get you something…

Hannah: I’m sorry, Tina. It’s just difficult to give a part about anything when Troy’s about to leave his wife and seven adorable baby daughters, and run off with his secretary, or possibly his mother.

(Tina leaves)

Jon: (Off-screen) Paul, GET OUT NOW!

(Paul falls down the flight of stairs)

Paul: Honestly! Some people just don’t deserve to be in this business we call show. (sitting down next to Hannah) Eh?

Pizza Delivery Lady: Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.

Paul: With extra everything?

Pizza Delivery Lady: Uh-huh.

Paul: Thanks.

Pizza Delivery Lady: Enjoy your meal.

Paul: Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.

Jon: So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if he kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.

Rachel: But not before he challenged Jon to a big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.

Jo: That is so brave, or is it just stupid?

Paul: (holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.

Jon: Yeah, of extinction.

Paul: No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?

Jon: No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.

Bradley: No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.

Jon: Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.

Bradley: It takes months to train a whole body. We just need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, put on special diet. Does the rest of me have to be present because…

Jon: That sounds really boring.

Paul: No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.

Jo: Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.

Paul: It will be a moving and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.

Rachel: Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.

Jon: Rachel, you’ve got more chance of arm wrestling that guy into submission than I have.

Rachel: What are you trying to say?

Jon: Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask for… What's his name?

(Rachel doesn’t know)

Jon: Ryan.

Jo, Tina and Hannah: Ryan?

(Bradley shows Jon how to keep fit with his muscles)

Bradley: That’s it. Put your arms part to it. That’s it. Use your armed part and use your arms. Keep your back straight.

Rachel: Jon’s getting really strong, you know. Last night, I saw him open the ketchup bottle all by himself.

Jo: Actually, I started that for him.

Rachel and Hannah: Oh.

Rachel: Well, I really think he stands a chance, I mean I know Ryan’s big in everything but he’s stupid. No offense, Tina.

Tina: He’s not stupid. He’s lovely. If only hadn’t had that dumb argument with Jon and Jon hadn’t accepted the stupid challenge. Just doesn’t seem like him.

Rachel: Hmm. He is a bit out of character. You’re right.

Hannah: It’s their hormones. Guys are programmed to behave like that. I’ve read it in just 17. They get all insecure when they think another guy’s invading their own territory. They’re like big monkeys.

Tina: Monkeys?

Hannah: Yeah. All snug in their tree until another monkey comes along then they get nervous for their bananas.

Jo: Their bananas.

Hannah: Yeah. I mean that other big ol’ monkey probably already has bananas of his own, but that doesn’t stop them feeling threatened.

Tina: So I’m dating a big monkey.

Hannah: Erm. Yeah. But a nice monkey. Your one’s the king of the swingers.

Tina: A jungle VIP.

Hannah: Mhm.

Rachel: Hey guys, can we remember who we’re rooting for in this contest?

(Jon holds up a stick with his muscles, but he and Bradley fall)

Bradley: That’s it, man. That’s… You’re out of breath.

(Jo and Tina laugh)

Rachel: What odds are they offering on Ryan?

(They see that it is a lot of crowd)

Hannah: It’s quite a crowd.

Jo: Yeah, look at them. Animals baying for blood turning up just cos they want to see a bit of pain and suffering. (to the woman) Amish! You’re in my seat.

(The girls sit down)

Ryan: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Muscle Beach, and to the match, they’re already calling The Clash of the Titans.

(Tina is setting up a stereo player to get ready to dance)

Ryan: Tina, hi.

Tina: Ryan. Ryan! Are you okay?

Ryan: Doctors say I only have 24 hours to live. I wanted to spend them with you.

Tina: Oh my gosh! You’re joking on it.

Ryan: Yeah, I am.

(Then he kisses her as every man claps)

Tina: I’m sorry about the camera and Jon’s lap of honor. Why are you in so much pain?

Ryan: Hey, I’m glad that happened this way. Because now we can go out together if you still want to. Do you?

(Then she kisses him again)

Tina: Guess. But right now, I’ve got a class to teach. (to everyone) Okay. Places, everybody.

(Then Tina turns on the stereo player with a song called “Reach” playing. Everyone is dancing and the rest of S Club 7 joins in)

Verse 1: Jo, Bradley: When the world leaves you feeling blue

You can count on me, I will be there for you

When it seems all your hopes and dreams

Are a million miles away, I will re-assure you

Pre-Chorus: All: We’ve got to all stick together

Good friends are there for each other

Never ever forget that I’ve got you

And you’ve got me, so

Chorus: All: Reach for the stars

Climb every mountain higher

Reach for the stars

Follow your heart’s desire

Reach for the stars

And when that rainbow’s shining over you

That’s when your dreams will all come true

Bridge: Paul: Don’t believe in all that you’ve been told

The sky’s the limit, you can reach your goal

No one knows just what the future holds

There ain’t nothing you can’t be

There’s a whole world at your feet

Bridge 2: Jo and All: I said reach

Climb every mountain

(Reach) Reach for the moon

(Reach) Follow that rainbow

And your dreams will all come true

Chorus: All: Reach for the stars

Climb every mountain higher

Reach for the stars

Follow your heart’s desire

Reach for the stars

And when that rainbow’s shining over you

That’s when your dreams will all come true

Chorus: All and Paul: Reach for the stars

Climb every mountain higher

Reach for the stars (Reach, reach, reach is all that left off)

Follow your heart’s desire

Reach for the stars (Reach, reach, reach is on the right side)

And when that rainbow’s shining over you

That’s when your dreams will all come true

Chorus: All: Reach for the stars

Climb every mountain higher

Reach for the stars (Reach, reach, reach is all that left off)

Follow your heart’s desire

Reach for the stars

Episode 9: Fall Out

(The song called “Love Train” is playing as Jo and Bradley are waiting until Mr. Buddy and Mrs. Buddy come to see them)

Mrs. Buddy: Mr. McIntosh.

Mr. Buddy: Miss O’Meara.

Mr. Buddy and Mrs. Buddy: Please come with us.

Mrs. Buddy: Follow me, hun.

Mr. Buddy: So tell me. What do you have to offer to Buddy’s Burger Bar as a Buddy’s Burger Bar burger bar employee?

Jo: Well, I’m polite, efficient, punctual, tidy.

Bradley: Well, I like burgers. Yeah. A lot.

Mrs. Buddy: Good.

Jo: I’m smart, hygienic, quick leaner, good team worker.

Bradley: I like fries too.

Mrs. Buddy: Oh.

Bradley: Um, and milkshakes. Milkshakes. Yeah, milkshakes.

Jo: You see, I like working with people. You know, I’ve done catering before and I’ve got excellent references.

Mr. Buddy: Oh, that’s good.

Bradley: Well, did I mention I like hamburgers?

Mrs. Buddy: Yes.

(The song called “Bring the House Down” is playing)

Mr. Buddy: Be my…

Mrs. Buddy: (muttering)

Mr. Buddy: You do it my way. Just this one!

Mrs. Buddy: Well, we can only offer one of you the job of Buddy’s Burger Bar burger bar assistant.

Mr. Buddy: And we’d like to offer it to you, Miss O’Meara!

Jo: Yes!

Mr. Buddy: Don’t go ahead, cupcake.

Mrs. Buddy: But we do have another job we can offer you, Mr. McIntosh. Follow me pumpkin.

Mr. Buddy: Let’s get you out of that liver and into some buddy wear.

(Mr. Buddy carries a help wanted sign)

(The song called “Cross My Heart”) (Jo is now in the customer outfit) (Then Bradley is in the hot dog costume)

Jo: (laughs and points at him)

Jon: Okay, first one. Watch this.

Bradley: Casual wear.

Jon: Yes.

All: Woo!

Rachel: Well done, Brad.

Jo: He’s good.

Jon: Okay, this one.

Hannah: Shoes.

Jon: Yes. Well done. Okay, and this one.

Jo: Sportswear.

Jon: Yes. Well done, Jo. It’s wicked. This one, okay?

Rachel: Oh, oh. That’s easy. Arm suits.

Jon: Well done, Rach. Okay, come here. Let me do this one. (he brings Rachel) Okay, and that was this one.

Tina: Pyjamas!

Jon: Yes! Nicely one.

(They clap hands)

Jon: Okay, last one.

Paul: Underpants.

(They applause)

Tina: I forgot I was gonna say now.

Hannah: Can someone tell me who are not talking to you? I can’t remember anymore.

Paul: It’s me.

Rachel: And me.

Hannah: Oh. Thanks. Tell her thanks.

Bradley: (to Rachel) Hannah says thanks.

Rachel: Tell her it’s a pleasure.

Hannah: What did she say?

Bradley: She said it’s a pleasure.

Hannah: Oh.

Bradley: (to Jo and Jon) Do you know what, guys? I think it’s pathetic.

Rachel: I know. We’ve never argued like this before.

(Later in the evening at the cafe)

Speaker of the Man: (Off-screen) Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next the number of our resident band the S Club 7.

(Group is about to be up next)

Bradley: All right. Looks like we’re up next, guys.

Tina: Yeah. So listen, are we stopping all this not talking? Not nonsense.

Paul: But I don’t know. You better ask Bradley to ask Hannah to ask Jo… Yeah, I guess we are.

Tina: Friends?

All: Friends.

(They all hug together)

(They all sing “Stand By You”)

Verse 1: Hannah: Damn you

I think I can feel something special

Going on

Something that is happening between us

I feel more than you could ever imagine

It's so clear, I want you to know

Chorus: All: I’m gonna stand by you

If you want me to

I’m gonna stand by you

If you want it tonight

I will stand by you

‘Cause I wanna be with you

I’ll stand by you

Hook: All, Jo, Hannah: Stand by, stand by you

Stand by, stand by you (stand by you)

Stand by, stand by you

I only wanna be with you

Verse 2: Tina and Hannah: Damn you

Don’t you know it's so good together

Us two

Nothing’s gonna come in between us

I know we go in two different directions sometimes

But you will always be on my mind

And if you think you ain’t got nobody

I just want you to know

Chorus: All, Jo: I’m gonna stand by you

If you want me to (ooh yeah)

I’m gonna stand by you

If you want it tonight

I will stand by you

‘Cause I wanna be with you

I’ll stand by you

Stand by you (stand by)

Hook: All, Jo, Hannah: Stand by, stand by you (stand by you)

Stand by, stand by you (stand by you)

Stand by, stand by you

Chorus: All, Jo: I’m gonna stand by you

If you want me to (stand by)

I’m gonna stand by you

If you want it tonight

I will stand by you

‘Cause I wanna be with you

I’ll stand by you

Stand by you (stand by)

Hook: All, Jo: Stand by, stand by you

Stand by, stand by you (stand by you)

Stand by, stand by you

Stand by, stand by you (oh yeah)

Outro: All: ‘Cause I wanna be with you

I’ll stand by you

‘Cause I wanna be with you

I’ll stand by you

(They clap)

Episode 10: Game Boy

Hannah: But why did he choose me? Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest one.

Paul: Oi! I heard that.

Hannah: Okay, apart from Paul. Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest. And I live more like new sound of the sorceress than neither of you two. So why did he choose me?

Jo: Oh, I don’t know, Han. It’s just one of life’s great mysteries like… Where do corn circles come from?

Rachel: Yeah. Why there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.

Jo: Yeah, and…

Tina: Where’s Bradley? He knows I wanna rehearse routine for the new song. Where is he?

(The song called “Love Train” is playing)

Jo: Ah, I’m knackered. I sit now. I ain’t moving for the next 2 hours.

(Joni comes to 3 girls)

Joni: Here are you.

Rachel: Oh, no!

Joni: No, no. Why are your choice rehearsing?

Rachel: We have been rehearsing, Joni.

Joni: Oh, no. I don’t mean like that little group thing. I mean for something important now. I have otherwise you guys to have a special skill like, uh, juggler.

Rachel: We can sing.

Joni: Oh, no, honey. You’re in L.A. Every waiter and their mother sings. We’ve got to find you guys something that makes you stand out in the crowd.

Hannah: Ah. I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue.

Jo and Rachel: Ugh.

Joni: Mmm. I wouldn’t go around boasting about that. Now let’s go out and find you guys a skill. Okay. Come on.

(Joni, Jo and Rachel go out to find a skill and Hannah touches the tip of her nose with her nose and then everyone applauses)

(Back at the apartment, Bradley is still playing the game on the TV)

Rachel: A cow. But you caught a sheep with no legs. A crowd. How could you forget that?

Jo: You don’t even know what a man with monkey under one arm, a crocodile onto the other was doing.

Rachel: I think maybe he’s wearing them as an air freshener.

Jo: That’s a pig.

Rachel: What?

Jo: I wouldn’t say that restaurant was tough, but I think they used a pig as an air freshener.

Rachel: What restaurant?

(They look at them sarcastically)

Rachel and Jo: Ooh.

Jo: Are we late for rehearsal?

Tina: No. It’s Christ’s meeting. We’re thinking about chucking someone out the band.

Jo: Look, if this is about that time that I posted nude photos of Jon on the internet, while they’re…

Hannah: It’s Bradley! Tina says if he won’t come to rehearsals, he can’t be in the band anymore.

Jo: It’s just stupid. (to Bradley) Hey, Brad. You alright, mate?

Bradley: Mmm.

Hannah: As far as we know, he hasn’t slept for 2 days and what’s even worse and…

Tina: He hasn’t gone to the toilet, either.

Paul: People, I think we’re sitting on a time bomb.

(Rachel stands in front of TV to Bradley)

Rachel: Bradley, serious! I’m making an intervention. I’m not moving from a spot until you stop playing this game.

(Doorbell buzzes)

Rachel: Oh. Host me.

Jo: Brad.

Bradley: I just let me get past this level, all right? Trust me, I can do it.

Paul: No, you can’t, you hoof. It’s almost impossible to complete without the secret cheap put in the game by the garbagey of TD. It says here.

Hannah: Well, then let’s find this bloke and ask him the secret. That way we can get our Brad back.

Tina: Good idea. But all we know about the game is that it’s by strati soft. You have no idea where they are or if they’re even in California.

Jo: You would do. Spring Street Downtown.

Rachel: Yeah. They’re so nice format that’s like the audition.

Tina: Okay, let’s go then.

(Tina, Hannah and Paul leave)

Jon: So, you put a nude picture of me on the internet.

(He pushes Jo on the floor and fights with her for putting a nude photos of him on the internet)

Jo: So, how many goblins does it take to change a light bulb? None. They’re not tall enough. You think it’s easy being an evil sorceress? Well, let me tell you. It’s not easy. Other girls when they want a new outfit made, they go to the dressmakers. Me? I have to visit the blacksmith. (giggles) That’s all for me, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Zelda the sorceress and good night.

(Jon applauses)

Jon: Okay, so lose the gag about the goblin thing and a really rude one about the Wizard of Oz, but apart from that, it was alright.

Jo: Should you think I’m nearly ready?

Jon: Almost. You still don’t know how to handle hecklers yet.

Jo: Hecklers?

Jon: Yeah. You know, people stand up and shout things out with you in your act.

Jo: Oh, right! You mean like when we rehearse in and we come to your solo and Bradley shouts to you “Huh, shut up!”

Jon: Yeah. Kind of. Okay, so, just imagine. You’re doing your act, okay? And I’m a heckler. I’m gonna stand up and shout things out like “Get off!” and “I’ve had funnier acne!” and “You’re rubbish!” and “You just smell funny!” I mean what are you gonna do?

(Jo punches him)

Jon: Okay, so… there’s one option.

Episode 11: Making Movies

(The song called “Best Friend” is playing)

Hannah: You know what I was thinking, Johnny Jon?

Jon: Oh, I don’t know, Honey Han. Um, why, uh, butterflies called butterflies are not margarine flies?

Hannah: No. I wasn’t thinking that.

Jon: Well, I don’t know then.

Hannah: I was thinking the trouble with Los Angeles is that is so big. Nobody notices ya. I mean look at them ants. (pointing to the ants on the floor) They’re the equivalent of us in Los Angeles. They’re insignificant.

Jo: What ants?

Hannah: See what I mean?

(Rachel and Paul are sitting on the couch as Bradley comes downstairs)

Paul: Afternoon, Bradley.

Bradley: (groaning then clearing his throat)

(He opens the fridge door)

Paul: The milk’s on the side.

Bradley: (muttering)

(He pours milk in the glass)

Rachel: How do you know what he’s saying?

Paul: Well, I’ve been studying Bradley speak. It’s a little like Japanese but without the words.

(Bradley sits down and drinks)

Rachel: I guess that means “I’ll see you later?”

Paul: No. He was just clearing his throat.

Rachel: Hmm. Tricky language.

(Tina comes back to the apartment)

Tina: Hi, Joni.

Joni: Tina, you know. If you ever think about having a relationship with a man, then think again and think again, and just don’t do it.

Tina: Okay, right. Uh, I’ll remember that.

Joni: And if you do do it, then just check yourself into an ASAN asylum.

Tina: Top idea.

Joni: Cos I can help you with that, Tina. I can.

Tina: Good to know.

(Tina opens the door and goes in while Joni sees an ants)

Joni: Hmm. What’s this? ANTS?!

(The song called “Love Train” is playing) (Tina comes into the apartment)

Tina: Listen, nobody go near Joni. Looks like she’s having trouble with her boyfriend and she’s about to take it out on someone.

Jo: Hmm. Well, I hope she gives us some warnings so we can all take cover.

(Doorbell buzzes)

All: Somebody at the door!

Hannah: I don’t know if we rush, guys. I’ll get it.

(So Hannah stands up and opens the door, but nobody is about)

Joni: Yes. I knew it!

Hannah: Oh! Hello, Joni. I didn’t recognize you from above.

Joni: Just as I thought.

(Joni stops crawling along and pokes Bradley’s foot with her finger)

Bradley: Ah! I had a nightmare that Joni was going across the floor, then when I woke up, Joni was going across the floor.

Jo: What is she doing?

Tina: Don’t take any notice. It’s probably some kind of new age ritual.

(Joni spots some ants on the floor)

Joni: Ohh! I knew it! I knew it!

Paul: Uh-oh! Sounds serious. Better get ready to run! (They all rush around)

Paul: Um, where are my trainers?!

Rachel: I can’t go out looking like this!

Bradley: Whoa!

Joni: Look at that!

Tina: What?

Jo: Where?

Joni: Down there! Look! Ants! Hundreds of ants!

(Jo looks down at the ants)

Jo: Oh, yeah. Well, I’d see that, eh?

Joni: I can see them. They stand out like a mile.

Jo: I wouldn’t say a mile. Maybe a few millilitres and they’re the tallest ones.

Joni: There is an infestation here. This place is a mess! Look at it! I mean don’t you ever clean it up? It’s disgusting! (to the rest of the band mates) Listen up, everybody! The terms of your lease say that this place must be kept clean or I can throw you out at any time.

Jon: You’re right. She’s right. You’re absolutely right. This place is a tip, isn’t it? (clicking fingers) Paul.

Paul: Yeah, yeah. Um, it’s a disgrace! There is parp everywhere. Yeah. Someone should clean it up. I’ve got to go and see a man about the goose.

(Paul goes out to see a man, then Jo and Hannah are going as well but they are stopped by Joni)

Joni: Whoa, hold on. Where are you going?

Jo: Um, um, to get some ant killer.

Hannah: We can’t kill them.

Jo: Stunner. Ant stunner. We’ll buy some ant stunner and then we’ll stun the ants, take them outside and then um…

Hannah: Set them free.

Jo: Yeah. To roam the beach and destruct their stuff.

Hannah: But we’ll have to spin and run first so they get dizzy and they can’t find their way back!

Jo: That’s just stupid.

Hannah: But it works.

(They also go out as well)

Bradley: More milk.

Tina: Me too.

(But Tina and Rachel are stopped by Joni)

Joni: Oh, no, no, no, no, no you don’t! No!

Bradley: Where’s Rachel and Tina?

Hannah: I think they got caught behind.

Jo: Look, this is stupid. We keep running out and our landlady every time wrenched you.

Paul: You’re right.

Jo: We’ve got to sort it out and get her act together.

Bradley: She’s right.

Jon: Look, guys. Our agent is rubbish. We might as well just concentrate on getting famous ourselves.

Paul: You’re right.

Hannah: He’s right!

Bradley: She’s right.

Jo: I’m right.

Bradley: I’m right sometimes.

(They argue at each other as they are all right)

Paul: ALL RIGHT! All right. I’ve had an idea. Let’s make a movie.

Bradley: Heh. Why not? (chuckles and eats the camera)

(The song called “The Colour of Blue” is playing)

Joni: You know, I could get twice as much money for this apartment and have much less hassle.

Tina: Yeah, we realize that.

Joni: I mean I’m the one that’s doing you the favor here. You guys came here with nothing! I put a roof over your head and this is how you repay me.

Rachel: Don’t worry, Joni. We’ll help you tidy up.

Joni: (beginning to cry) You know, it’s just always the same thing. The nicer you are to people, the more they take you for granted, the more that they exploit your kindness.

Rachel: Aw.

Joni: I mean I just do the best that you can. I mean that’s all you can do, and then somebody just ups and leaves you for another one.

Tina: Joni, shut up! (sitting down next to her) This isn’t about the state of the apartment, is it?

Joni: What do you mean?

Tina: It’s your boyfriend, isn’t it? He’s dumped you. You’re upset. So come in here and take out on us and the ants.

Joni: Isn’t that obvious?

Rachel: Yes, but we want to help you.

Joni: You do? But why?

Rachel: Because… Good question.

Tina: Because we like you.

Joni: (sniffs) Really?

Rachel: (whispering to Tina) No, we don’t.

Tina: Yes, we do.

Rachel: Yes, we do and we want to help you get over your friend.

Tina: So, forget about the state of the apartment.

Rachel: Yeah, I mean what’s a little dust and mess and ants and dirty socks and grimy plates and general filth and…

Tina: Yeah. All right, Rach.

Rachel: When compared to love and human relationships.

Tina: Exactly.

Joni: (breaths calmly) You know, you’re right. I feel better already.

(At the beach)

Joni: So that’s how it always works. I break up with somebody and then I regret it, so I phone them and then it all gets bad again.

Tina: Okay. Here’s the suggestion. If you find yourself wanting to find this guy up, then talk to us instead and we’ll help you not to find him.

Joni: Really? That’s very nice of you. Hey, guys.

(The rest of the band turn up to them)

All: Hi.

Jo: Joni, about the rent.

Rachel: No, it’s fine. Everything’s cool.

Jon: Is it?

Joni: Yeah, it is. What are you guys up to?

Jon: Well, we’re kind of sick and tired of sitting around waiting to be discovered, so we decided to make a film.

Rachel: oh, that’s a great idea! That’s brilliant.

Tina: That’s great!

Joni: That’s great, that’s great. (trying to ring a number to someone)

Tina: Joni?

Joni: Hm?

Tina: What are you doing?

(Rachel takes the phone and closes it)

Joni: Oh. Nothing. So… Let’s make movies!

Paul: Yeah.

Bradley: That’s a good idea.

(The song called “Someday, Someway” is playing) (Tina is helping Joni put over gloves on and wrapping round the oven gloves with the duct tape) (They put thumbs up to each other then clap)

Jon: So, has anyone got any questions or anything then?

Rachel: Yeah.

Jo: Yeah.

Rachel: Do I have to wear that on my head?

Bradley: No, I’m not wearing his hat, bro.

Jon: Brad, you have to be a policeman.

Bradley: I did not.

Tina: Jon, Jon, Jon. So what are you gonna be then?

Jon: Well, I’m directing it, but then I’ve got to be the, uh, the third cop as well.

Hannah: Guys.

Paul: Any other questions, guys?

Bradley: You’re all set!

(Jon has finished writing and now he starts filming)

Jon: Okay, so this is the S Club Movie. Take 1!

(Bradley claps the clapperboard)

Jon: And action!

Rachel: Okay, Jo. You know what we’ve got to do.

Jo: Sure. We’re going hard. We get the money and we get out if anyone stands in our way, we take them out.

Rachel: Where do we take them?

Jo: What?

Rachel: Well, you said we take them out. Where do we take them? Do we take them to restaurant or something?

Jo: No, Rach! We take them out! We kill them.

Rachel: Oh, Jo. I don’t think we should hurt them.

Jo: So what should we do then?

Rachel: Well, you know, shout at them or something.

Jo: You mean call them names.

Rachel: Yes! Call them names till they give us the money.

Jo: Or they cry.

Rachel: Oh, whatever.

Jo: Alright. Cool. Let’s go.

(They get in the car and the drive off)

Jon: Okay. (to Jo and Rachel) Once more with feeling!

Bradley: Yeah. Rachel’s a bit shiny as well.

Jon: Mmm.

(Jon is filming with the camera)

Paul: (clears throats) Detective, do we have a lead on these bank robbers?

Hannah: Mm-hmm. Seems that they were 2 women.

Paul: How do you know?

Hannah: Because witnesses said that they saw 2 women robbing the bank so we figured that the robbers were 2 women.

Paul: Nice work, Detective. Nice work.

Hannah: We found a stick of a low-calorie gum at the scene so I guess that one of them is on a diet.

Paul: Hmm. That reminds me. Lunch. I want Detective Lee and Detective McIntosh working on this case.

Hannah: But, but they don’t get home with each other, chief.

Paul: Not my problem, Detective. (eating donut)

(Tina is doing the movements outside the bank) (Bradley spits)

Jon: I’ve been assigned as your new partner.

Bradley: I don’t work with partners.

Jon: You do now, McIntosh.

Bradley: Listen up. I work alone, alright? I had a partner once.

Jon: Yeah, and what happened?

Bradley: I don’t wanna talk about it.

Jon: Do you wanna talk about it?

Bradley: No.

Jon: Look, the D.A. seems to think that you could use a little help on this case about catching those bank robbers.

Bradley: Listen up, Lee. I don’t need your help! Alright?

Jon: I knew a guy that said that once.

Bradley: Yeah. What happened to him?

Jon: I don’t want to talk about it.

Bradley: You wanna to talk about it?

Jon: No.

Bradley: So what do you wanna talk about?

Hannah: Oh! Look! There they are!

(They see Jo and Rachel robbing the bank)

(Jo and Rachel get to the end of the building on top until Jon, Hannah Paul come to arrest them)

Hannah: That’s it, you two! Your robbing days are over!

Jon: You’re going down for 3 to 5!

Jo: Jon, get off! That hurts! (she hits him)

Jon: Ow! Did you see that? She just hit me.

Rachel: So, is that it then?

Hannah: I guess so.

Paul: Well, we have got some more take left.

Jon: So, guys. Why don’t we just end it with a song?

Paul: Okay.

Jon: You alright?

Jo: No. You really hurt my arm.

Jon: I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.

(They are all ready to sing a song called “S Club Party” at the top of the tower)

Intro: Hannah, Bradley, Jo: S Club

Get down tonight, uh, come on, yeah

Get down tonight, uh-huh

Everybody, get down tonight, yeah

Chorus: girls, boys: S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)

Verse 1: Jo: Finally Friday night

Feeling kinda good, looking alright

Gotta get moving, can’t be late

Gotta get grooving, just can’t wait, oh

Get the feeling (Get the feeling)

Push the ceiling (Push the ceiling)

Player hater (Player hater)

Get ready, everybody

‘Cause here we go

Chorus: girls, boys: S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)

Post-Chorus: All: (Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air

(Ooh, ooh) Like you just don’t care

(Ooh, ooh) There’s a party over there

Verse 2: All: Tina’s doing her dance

Jon’s looking for romance

Paul’s getting down on the floor

While Hannah’s screaming out for more (ooh-ooh)

Wanna see Bradley swing

Wanna see Rachel do her thing

Then we got Jo, she’s got the flow

Get ready, everybody

‘Cause here we go

Chorus: girls, boys: S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)

Post-Chorus: All: (Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air

(Ooh, ooh) Like you just don’t care

(Ooh, ooh) There’s a party over there

Post-Chorus: All: (Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air

(Ooh, ooh) Like you just don’t care

(Ooh, ooh) There’s a party over there

Middle 8: girls, boys: Ghetto boys, make some noise

Hoochie mamas, show your nanas

Chorus: girls, boys: S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)

(Phone rings as Joni is handcuffed on the bed)

Joni’s Boyfriend: Hi, Joni.

Joni: (gasps)

Joni’s Boyfriend: It’s me. Are you there?

Joni: Yes. Yes, I am.

Joni’s Boyfriend: I know you don’t wanna talk to me, but I wanna tell you something. Pick up the phone.

(Joni tries to move but she is still handcuffed)

Joni’s Boyfriend: I thought maybe we could patch things up, Joni.

Joni: Oh, yes. We can, we can.

Joni’s Boyfriend: Well, I guess not. Look, I’m going away for a while. Uh, you won’t be able to call me, but…

Joni: No, no! Don’t hang up! No, don’t hang up!

Joni’s Boyfriend: I love you, Joni. Goodbye.

Joni: NO! (echoes then sobs)

Episode 12: Working

(The song called “Best Friend” is playing) (One night at the apartment, group all sit down on the couch)

Jo: So, where should we go tonight then?

Hannah: Well, wherever it is a bit pitchy because I’m skint.

Paul: You’re always skint. When you get money, you don’t have to spend it immediately, you know, Han. It’s not compulsory. You better stay in tonight.

Jon: Yeah, but you’re still coming, aren’t you?

Paul: No.

Tina: Why’s that?

Paul: I’m skint too.

(Bradley comes back from cinema)

Bradley: What a day. Tell ya. Being a cinema aser is a lot harder than it looks, alright? You got the back seat, anti-snug patrol. You got the Slurpee volume enforcement and you got the ground to air popcorn prevention. Anyway, I thought you lot were going out.

Paul: No. We’ve been waiting for you, mate.

Jon: Yeah. We’re not gonna go out without you, are we?

Jo: Erm, yeah. You have been paid, right?

Bradley: Well, actually, yeah. I made 50 bucks today.

Hannah: Cinema? Has she made 50 bucks a day?

Bradley: No, I don’t get paid to the end of the week, but that’s just some of the change I found down the back of the seats.

Tina: Great. So where are we going?

Bradley: Well, I’m quite parped. So I think I’ll have a night in.

Rachel: Well, there’s a slight problem, see? We haven’t got any money, so we were thinking that maybe you could…

Hannah: Bradley.

Bradley: You still owe me 20 bucks from Florida, you little monkey.

Hannah: No, I don’t. I mean that to Paul.

Paul: Don’t look at me. I gave that to Tina.

Tina: Hey, nothing to do with me. Rachel wanted it and she didn’t like to ask.

Rachel: I only need cos I let my last 20 to Jon.

Jon: Yeah, and I would never have asked if I hadn’t already given all my money to Bradley.

Bradley: So you mean I owe myself 20 bucks. Ha ha.

Hannah: Look, we don’t have to go out to have fun.

Jo: No. Hannah’s right. Why don’t we all spend the evening in?

Tina: And do what?

Rachel: We’ll do what they did in the olden days. You know, before nightclubs are invented, I suppose.

Jo: What? You mean like skinning dinosaurs?

Jon: Come on, guys. We’re gonna have a great time. We can enjoy each other’s company, talk about current affairs, politics, literature.

Paul: Yeah. Who needs music and all those fancy electronics to enjoy themselves? Come on. Let’s go for it. Alright.

Hannah: So, what should we talk about then? Mmm?

(Group thinks what they can do in the evening)

Bradley: I see you a lot then.

(So they all spend evening having fun as the song called “Bring the House Down” is playing)

(Bradley is playing a game on the PlayStation. Tina is listening to music in the bedroom. Rachel is drying her hair. Jon is also drying his hair in the bathroom. Jo is also talking to someone on the phone. Paul is putting a movie with the camera on the TV and Hannah is changing channels on the TV, but the fuse box is about to blow. Then all the lights go off)

(When the lights are out, Tina, Jon and Rachel come downstairs)

Paul: (bumping into Jo) Ooh!

Jon: What’s happened?

Tina: The lights have come out.

Hannah: Oh. A dozen squid was just about to start.

Jon: Oh, no. My hair’s gonna look like straw.

Rachel: Your hair always looks like straw.

Jo: Look. Just got to sit down and try and work this one out.

(Jo tries to sit on Hannah)

Hannah: Jo! Stop trying to sit on my lap!

Jo: Sorry, Hannah. I can’t see anything.

Hannah: Obviously, you didn’t realize there’s a little bowl of guacamole in my lap.

Jo: Ugh!

(Bradley comes downstairs)

Bradley: What is going on down here?

Paul: We’ve burned the lights.

Tina: Oh my gosh! If Joni finds out about this, we’re out.

Jon: I have a strange feeling. She will find out.

Paul: I can’t even see to sit down.

Bradley: Yes we can. (turning the flashlight on) Heh. Allow me to show you to your seats. (to Rachel) Madam, please no talking. (to Hannah) Chew quietly. (to Paul and Tina) Sir, madam.

Paul: Thank you.

Bradley: Show consideration for the other patrons…and enjoy the show.

(People come round outside to see what’s going on)

Jo: What’s that noise coming from outside?

(They all stand up and go outside to see them)

1st Neighbor: What’s going on? My lights have blown!

2nd Neighbor: So are mine.

Paul: I’m really sorry, but I think… I think it was us that blew the lights.

2nd Neighbor: Oh, great. It was the Brits.

1st Neighbor: Oh! I might have known.

2nd Neighbor: Well, let’s gang up on them. Throw them out.

1st Neighbor: Yeah. We did it in 1776 and we can do it again.

Jo: Hold on. You just wait a minute. If it’s our fault, we’ll fix it. Alright?

Wally: I’ll repair it.

Hannah: See? Wally will repair it! Everybody knows Wally. Wally’s a qualified electrician. You are qualified, aren’t you, Wal?

Wally: As good as.

Hannah: Excellent!

Paul: So, Wally will repair it and there’ll be no need to tell Joni that we blew out her entire building. Deal?

All: Hmm…

2nd Neighbor: All right.

1st Neighbor: Yeah.

Jon: Well, I’m glad to see it’s all been sorted out.

Wally: Uh, not really. We haven’t worked out my fee.

Rachel: Oh, yes. Your fee. Okay, Wally, come on. Give us a wall park figure.

Wally: Well, rewiring an entire building, replacing dozens of junction boxes, scores of power points. It’s a big job. It’s a very big job. I’d say conservative estimate. 90,000,000.

Jo: 200 bucks.

Wally: Done.

(He gives Jo a handshake) (They giggle and go back in)

Paul: Where are we gonna get $200 from?

Bradley: Well, we’re definitely ain’t gonna find it down the back of the cinema seat, that’s for sure.

Tina: All I have to find a job, however stupid, however pathetic. We’ll each have to get a job and work really hard and raise the money.

All: Mmm.

Jo: Hey, Rach, have you still got the paper?

Rachel: Mmm.

(Rachel opens the paper and looks at it)

Bradley: There you are, Rach. Here’s one for you. Professional dog-sitter.

Rachel: No way! I’m a cat person. You wouldn’t get me working there in a million years.

(Phone rings)

Rachel: Hello. Puppy Cities International. Rachel speaking. How may I help you?

Jon: Well, there’s our resume copied.

Jerry Parker: I need those our obscure… (bumping into Jo) Oh. Oh. I’m sorry.

Jo: Sorry.

Jerry Parker: Gee. May I help you? This is my fault.

Jo: Sorry. I’m not normally such a muffin.

Jerry Parker: Hey. You’re English, right?

Jon: Yeah. Yeah we are.

Jerry Parker: And you’re looking for work. Then I may have the thing for you. Come with me.

Rachel: 2 o’clock? Are you sure? You can’t make Mr. Dibbles available at any other time? Only I’m on my own today and… No, no! Of course I want your business. I work on commission. I need your business. Yes, yes. 2 will be fine.

(She finishes talking to someone on the phone and then she starts to write Mr. Dibbles down on the list)

Rachel: Great.

Jon: A radio station. You want us to work in a radio station.

Jo: Result!

Jerry Parker: I’m Jerry Parker, program director here at KWOW. We are looking to expand into a younger demographic without losing our present audience and I think you could be just a presenters we’re looking for.

Jon: Oh, we are, w-we’re exactly what you’re looking for.

Jo: Yeah. Whatever it is.

Jerry Parker: Great. And you’re being British you’ll retain the sophisticated image we want at this station.

Jo: Oh, yeah. We’re well sophisticated.

Jon: Yeah. You know, p-pip old fruit.

Jerry Parker: (chuckles) Now you’re British so I needn’t ask you this question. But you are familiar with the popular classics, right?

Jon: Oh, yeah. The popular classics. You know, Status Quo. Level 42. Right Said Fred.

Jo: Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Kajagoogoo.

Jerry Parker: No, no. (laughs)

(Jon and Jo laugh)

Jerry Parker: Good one! Now, I was thinking more Elgar, William Walton, some Beethoven.

Jon: Oh, those popular classics! Right.

Jerry Parker: That won’t be a problem, will it?

Jon: For us? Oh, no, no, no. We’re British old man. You know, classical music is our heritage. It’s our lifeblood. You know, we grew up listening to Beethoven’s 1812 in our cribs.

Jerry Parker: Tchaikovsky.

Jon: No, no, no, no. It’s absolutely true.

Jo: No, Johnny…

Jon: Jo. Shut up. I can bluff this guy. I do know a bit about classical music, you know.

Jerry Parker: It was Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.

Jon: That’s what I meant.

Jo: Personally, I’ve always preferred his Romeo and Juliet the symphonic version, naturally. The ballet version was a bit too superficial for my taste.

Jon: What?

Jerry Parker: Exactly. So, so, you enjoy the Russian composers.

Jo: I quite like the riot spring, though. I always did say Leon Trotsky goes a long, long way.

Jerry Parker: Oh, then you’ll fit right in here, so can you start tomorrow say 11am?

Jon and Jo: Mhm.

Jerry Parker: Ah, excellent. Excuse me.

(He leaves)

Jon: What just happened?

Jo: My dad was a classical music, nutter. He used to have his own used record store down the rock for market. I could bals before I could walk, Jon.

Jon: You kept that quiet.

Jo: Not so much quiet. More pan simmer.

Jon: Now you’re just showing off.

Jo: Yeah.

Jon: Guys, we could easily raise this money if we can all just keep our jobs for one more week.

Bradley: I can’t believe I got fired.

Paul: Fired? But you only got the job 3 days ago.

Bradley: Mmm. I know. But it doesn’t matter, because I got a new job. Yeah. You know you are now looking at… (He shows them a green suit) Bradley McIntosh valet.

Tina: You mean polishing silvers and ironing newspapers and stuff?

Bradley: No. Not that kind of valet. I’m the kind of valet who parks cars and I’m working at the new cafe goffi down at Santa Monica Boulevard.

Paul: So, why did the cinema fire you?

Bradley: Over conduct oncoming an aser. Can you believe they stripped me on my blazer and my torch in front of all the other rushes and everything?

Tina: I told you to stop snogging Donna the projectionist, you muffin.

Bradley: Yeah, but it wasn’t the snogging. They objected to me. It was the fact, it made Donna put the rose on in the wrong order. But mind you, it’s the first time Titanic’s about the happy ending. (giggles)

(Jon, Tina and Paul laugh)

Jo: And that was the Polish Symphony Orchestra with Mozart’s Koechlin titled simply number 28 in C. Nice one, Wolfie. Next out, the Val D, but before we get to move over to the news.

(Jo sees Jon polishing the windows with his tongue)

Jo: Pop off, you muffin.

Jerry Parker: (muffled sound)

Jo: They have been reporting nominee of possible… (reading continues)

Jon: Um, Mr. Parker. I was just polishing the windows, um, I don’t charge extra.

Jerry Parker: Aw, thanks. Jon, it’s 2 o’clock. I’m going out, so if anybody calls, tell them I’ll be back in an hour.

Jon: Yes, sir. Your radio station’s in safe hands. By the way, is your car radio still broken?

Jerry Parker: Unfortunately, yes.

Jon: Excellent, I mean that’s just too bad.

(Jerry Parker leaves)

Jo: …president today reaffirmed his position on… Oh, who cares? This is S Club 7 and “All In Love Is Fair.”

(Jo and Jon put headphones on and listen to the song called “All In Love Is Fair”)

(They sing “All In Love Is Fair”)

Intro: Jo: Mmm, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Aye, aye, aye, aye, yeah, aye

Verse 1: Jo: First he said that he wouldn’t leave me

What a fool to believe that line

Just another one of his obsessions

To help to pass the time

Get it right, get it right, get it right

Don’t get it wrong

Pre-Chorus: Jo: ‘Cause if you want me

Get your ass on over here and show me

Stop wasting time

And if you need me

Get your act together, boy, and show me

You should be mine

Chorus: All: All in love is fair, one of us will lose

Is it her or me? Is it me or you?

Who’s it gonna be, what you gonna do?

Are you over me? I’m not over you

Verse 3: Bradley: You gotta take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad

But don’t get mad if things don’t go the way you planned it

Just understand that real love is in demand

If you’re ready for commitment, girl, just take my hand

If you get lucky, love will be a cruise

There are so many roads which one you gonna choose?

But it’s a risk you know you gotta take

No messing, a choice you gotta make

There’s one cross you know you gotta bear

All in love is fair

Chorus: All: All in love is fair, one of us will lose

Is it her or me? Is it me or you?

Who’s it gonna be, what you gonna do?

Jerry Parker: Kids, it’s 2 o’clock. I’ve gotta go out, okay?

Jo: Okay. How’s your radio?

Jerry Parker: Still broken.

(Jerry Parker leaves) (Jo turns off the vinyl)

Jon: Okay, pop pickers. Now you’re in for a treat.

(They listen to music called “Stand By You”)

Rachel: I’m sorry again about the delay in getting your dog back to you, Mr. Parker.

Jerry Parker: Oh, don’t sweat it, Rachel. Besides, you really did me a favor.

(Evan is about to get in the car)

Jerry Parker: Hey, over there. Isn’t that the cloaked avenger?

Evan: Howdy, little partner!

Jerry Parker: Oh, wow! I loved your show as a kid! I had a cloaked avenger outfit. I wore it every Halloween!

Evan: (giggles) I still do.

Jerry Parker: Could I have your autograph? I-I know I have a pad in there somewhere.

(He opens the car door and cloak girl comes out)

Evan: Look, girl!

Jerry Parker: How the heck did she get in here?

Rachel: She must have stowed away when you picked Mr. Dibbles up yesterday. Oh, and look. She’s made a little nest under the seat. Ugh!

Evan: Obviously, I’ll pay to have your repulse shampooed.

Jerry Parker: Oh, no. It’s not necessary. Actually, it’s a privilege.

Evan: I insist.

Jerry Parker: No, really, really.

Rachel: Okay, cloak girl, time for my nightmare to end.

(Cloak girl runs away)

Evan: After her! Follow that dog!

(They run after her) (Cloak girl is still running along)

Rachel: Cloak girl, stop!

(Evan stings in pain and they catch up on her) (Cloak girl runs into the college) (She leaps onto Bradley and he holds he and then they start to paint the picture of it)

C.C.: Hold on. I-I recognized that dog.

Rachel: Bradley!

(Bradley doesn’t know)

Evan: (panting) C.C.?

C.C.: Evan?

Evan: Cloak girl!

C.C.: Avenger!

(They hug each other)

Evan: Eradicating justice.

(The group walks down the street)

Hannah: Come on! Hurry up, otherwise we’ll be late for Joni’s exhibits.

Rachel: Yeah, and we’re due at the cloaked Avenger’s wedding at 3pm. Can’t wait see what the cloaked wedding dress looks like.

Tina: I can’t believe Joni’s got the nerve to try and sell her paintings. Already, I mean she’s only been going to that art class for 2 weeks.

Jo: Yeah, I can’t believe we’re not DJs anymore. I don’t understand it. Every day at 2 o’clock Jerry would go off and be gone for at least an hour. Why did he have to come back at five past?

Rachel: Yeah. Well, we’ll never know, will we? Best not to think about it.

Paul: Well, the main thing is that we raised the $200 and Wally repaired the building and Joni’s none the wiser.

(They stop and look at the picture of Bradley holding a dog and they laugh)

Hannah: Hmm. It has the certain naive charm. A primitive appeal that evokes cubism surrealism, and yet, remains defiantly…

Tina: A picture of Brad holding a dog over his.

Hannah: Exactly.

Bradley: This is so embarrassing, I mean, who’s gonna buy this, huh?

Paul: Well, according to the ticket, it’s already been sold.

Bradley: What?

Paul: For $1,000.

(Group laughs)

Joni: Man’s Best Friend. You know, this was the first one to sell. I was gonna spend the money today on rewiring our building because, well, it was a bit of a death trap, but then when I came and looked this morning, I found that somebody had already rewired it. So I think I’m gonna spend all the money on myself. Oh. Gotta go.

Tina: Who the heck will pay $1,000 for a picture like that?

Bradley: Come on, Tina. Look. Look. It’s obvious.

Hannah: Yeah, a dog lover.

Episode 13: Goodbye Hollywood

(Jon, Jo and Rachel are watching the football on TV)

Tina: Hey! My mum’s just bought my dad a new extension lead for stripper. Now you can really get stuck into that scruffy bit of more grass bar in the shed. Isn’t that great?

Paul: Wow. Epic.

(The TV is switched to the next channel)

Jo: I think we’re getting into a rut here. I mean we’ve been in their life for months now and nothing seems to be happening for us.

Jon: Yeah. I think we need to change.

(They run over to different places before Joni comes in as the song called “Two in a Million” is playing)

Joni: Hi, guys.

All: Hi.

Jo: Erm. How was the insight media course?

Joni: Hmm? What was? All that. No. I didn’t go, didn’t go, I couldn’t. Not since I tried meditating while driving and, oops, rented my car into the ditch.

(Joni sits down on the chair)

Joni: Carla must’ve turned right off. So, place is looking good, by the way.

Paul: Are you alright? You’re not injured. Anything not.

Bradley: Especially like in the brain.

Joni: Oh, no. I’m okay. As a matter of fact, I’ve never been more okay and all my life. Especially since I miss the tow truck guy. Yep, loves me a truck.

Rachel: Okay, Joni. What’s his name? What does he do and where does he come from?

Joni: His name is Jeremy who lives in Arizona and he doesn’t just drive a tow truck. He raises snakes for the movies.

Hannah: Wow That’s…weird.

Joni: And that’s not all. We’re getting married!

All: Married?

Joni: Yeah. Isn’t it great? Jim Bob and I were so in love. We’re just gonna sell up and start at this snack ranch in Tucson.

Bradley: Sell up? You can’t do that. What’s gonna happen to us?

Tina: Don’t be selfish, Bradley. Congratulations. That’s amazing news.

Joni: Thanks.

Tina: What is gonna happen to us now?

(In the flashback, at the Talent Agency) (The song called “S Club Party” is playing)

Hannah: We were wondering if Mr. Walters would like to be our agent.

Receptionist: His books are full.

Tina: We’re really good.

Receptionist: His books are full.

Paul: (clears throats) Okay, without saying the words “His books are full.”, could you possibly tell us when the next available appointment with Mr. Walters is?

(Receptionist turns the book over)

Receptionist: May, next year.

Jo: You’re joking.

Receptionist: His books are full.

(So they all have to wear their disguise then they come into the Talent Agency)

Paul: Pizza.

Jon: Parcels.

Tina: Champagne.

Rachel: Flowers.

Jo: Cake.

Hannah: Balloons.

Bradley: Um, bite on my hamburger?

(At Mr. Walters’ office)

Post-Chorus: All: (Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air

(Ooh, ooh) Like you just don’t care

(Ooh, ooh) There’s a party over there

Mr. Walters: Ha, ha! Nothing. But not bad at all. And now get out of here.

(Present)

Rachel: We did get us a gig at the prom.

(Flashback at the prom) (They sing “Two In a Million”)

Bridge: Jo: Just when we both thought our lives were set in stone

They shone in light and brought us together

Billy: You’re my date?

Rachel: Yeah.

Tina: He wants to dance! Don’t you, sir?

Hannah: He doesn’t! He wants to go outside! Don’t you, sir?!

Jo: He doesn’t! He wants to go and get some food! Don’t you, Sam?!

Bully #1: (laughs) Look at the nerd dance!

Bully #2: Hey, Billy, you’re such a jerk!

Paul: What are you talking about? He’s a wicker dancer!

Jon: Yeah, I mean we all dance around, don’t we?

Bradley: Yeah. It’s the latest thing.

Jo: I want chips. English chips. Not American chips.

Hannah: And get me a sandwich, will you? Not from here. From the deli across the road.

Tina: And take my jacket and get me another drink!

Sam: (sighs) What a nightmare.

Chorus: All, Jo: We are two in a million

We’ve got all for luck we could be given

If the world should stop

Tina: I think we should give it one more try.

Jo: Yeah, okay. We should just go straight up to our so-called agent and say “Amish. I think he starts to wrap in.” or “We’re outta there.”

Paul: And then they’ll be begging us to stay.

Tina, Rachel, Bradley and Hannah: Yeah.

Jon: Okay, so I’ll call him and see if he’ll meet us at the cafe.

(The song called “The Colour of Blue” is playing)

Mr. Walters: No. Don’t go. I’m begging you. What do you want? Just-Just tell me. I’ll do anything if you’ll stay. Please. (finishing his conversation on his phone) Rovers. Waited 6 months for him to show up and then the first great offer that comes along. They drop, you’re faster than a pooper-scooper with a hole in it. Say you don’t happen to know anything about guttering, do you, Jo?

(Jo doesn’t know)

Mr. Walters: Anyway, enough about my problems. What about yours?

Jon: You do not want to hear about our problems, Mr. Walters.

Mr. Walters: Yeah, sure. I do your problems or my problems, unless they have to do with a dry skin condition. In that case, you’re on your own.

Paul: Well, we did have one question for you.

Tina: And for once, we’d like to hear an honest answer.

Mr. Walters: Hey. Hit me with it. Honesty’s my middle name.

Rachel: That is such a lie.

Mr. Walters: True.

Tina: So, are we ever gonna make it here in L.A.?

Jon: And if so, what are you gonna do about it right now to make sure it happens?

Mr. Walters: That’s difficult, very difficult.

Paul: And your final answer is…

Mr. Walters: I don’t know. I think I’m gonna have to get a regular builder to do guttering.

Jo: Yes or no, Mr. Walters.

Mr. Walters: I hate… Look, I’m sending your tape to a big producer friend of mine. I’m sure he’s gonna love us.

Tina: Is he by any chance related to that other big producer you were talking about last time?

Mr. Walters: Well, possibly.

Jo: Or the one before that.

Mr. Walters: Hey, hey, hey. No, no. This guy is straight up, honest. He’s a head honcho at Polymer Records. It’s a big big friend of mine.

Rachel: Great. What’s his name?

(Mr. Walters tries to say what his name his)

Tina: Bye, Walters.

(Then the group leaves)

Bradley: It’s been nice not working with you.

Mr. Walters: Harry.

(Jon sees it with the camera when they are leaving the apartment as the song called “Reach” is playing)

Jon: So this is it. The last day ever in our L.A. apartment which, to be honest, is actually quite sad.

Jo: Well, it’s sad. It’s happy at the same time. It’s like… It’s like when it’s raining and the sun comes out at the same time.

Paul: It’s quite poetic future, Jo. Very impressed.

Jo: It’s good, isn’t it?

Jon: And this is the living room. Been a lot of happy memories here.

(After leaving their apartment)

Jon: Yes! Now this is more like it!

Jo: Yeah. It’s good to be back on the road.

Bradley: New people.

Tina: New places.

Paul: New very excited diners.

Hannah: It’s gonna be a big great bros!

All: Yeah!

(Then they set off on their next adventure)

Paul: Where are we going then?

External links

Wikipedia

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L.A. 7