Clyde Martin: When did you first begin masturbating?
Old Woman: I invented masturbation.
[Kinsey is teaching his first class.]
Alfred Kinsey: Who can tell me which part of the human body can enlarge a hundred times? You, miss?
Female Student: I'm sure I don't know. And you've no right to ask me such a question in a mixed class.
Alfred Kinsey: I was referring to the pupil in your eye, young lady. [the rest of the class laughs.] And I think I should tell you, you're in for a terrible disappointment.
Wardell Pomeroy: How old were you when you first engaged in sexual activity with a partner?
Research Subject: 14.
Wardell Pomeroy: How?
Research Subject: With horse.
Wardell Pomeroy: How often were you having intercourse with animals at age 14?
Research Subject: [stunned] It's true. I fucked a pony. You are genius. How did you know?
Wardell Pomeroy: You just said you had... "sex with horse."
Research Subject: Nooo... Whores, not horse. WHORES.
[Alfred and Clara are visiting a doctor after their wedding night.]
Doctor: How large is your penis?
Kinsey: Excuse me?
Doctor: When erect, how large is it? How long from the scrotum? [pointing at a scale with a measuring stick] Here? Here? [points to the very end of the scale] Here? [Clara points off the scale] I'm surprised you didn't pass out.
Alfred Kinsey[reading from Ideal Marriage: Its Physiology and Technique]: "The hand should never be used for the purpose of sexual excitation. There is but one finger of love with which to approach the female genitals and that is the male organ."
Clyde Martin: Just one more question. You've just told me your entire history: childhood, family, career, every person you've ever had sex with. But there hasn't been a single mention of love.
Alfred Kinsey: That's because it's impossible to measure love. And, as you know, without measurements there can be no science. But I have been thinking a lot about the problem lately.
Clyde Martin: Mmh, "problem"?
Alfred Kinsey: When it comes to love, we're all in the dark.