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King Ralph

1991 film by David S. Ward

King Ralph is a 1991 American comedy film starring John Goodman in the title role of Ralph Jones. The movie also stars Peter O'Toole as the King's private secretary, Sir Cedric Willingham, Camille Coduri as Ralph's girlfriend Miranda Greene, and John Hurt as the British peer Percival Graves, who schemes to get Ralph removed in order to claim the throne himself.

Dialogue

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[Punks are watching the royal funeral at a downtown electronics shop]
Dysentery: Since when do we give a toss about this kind of bullshit???
Punk Girl: Shut up, Dysentery! Where's your sense of national flippin' pride?
Phipps: Sir Cedric! Sir Cedric! Good news. I do believe we found an heir!
Sir Cedric: That's wonderful, Duncan. Who is he?
Phipps: His name is Jones. Ralph Jones.
Sir Cedric: Ralph Jones. Is he everything we might have hoped?
Phipps: {embarrassed} Well. He has his strengths and his weaknesses. You see, he's an American.
Sir Cedric: Quickly, Duncan! The strengths!
[Las Vegas]
Ralph: And here's one from the great Don Ho, the godfather of Hawaiian Soul...
Ralph {singing}: Tiny bubbles... in the wine... make me feel happy, how they, make me feel fine.
[Ralph turns to a TV set which is showing a football game]
Ralph {spoken}: Right he's in there!!!
[Ralph then plays the synthesizer in a half-assed manner]
Ralph {singing}: Tiny bubbles make me warm all over...
[Ralph turns his head to the football game and sees the other team intercepted the pass and are running towards the goal zone]
Ralph {spoken}: Are you shitting me?!? (Accidentally speaks this into the microphone)
Ralph {singing}: With the feelin that I'm gonna love you til the eeennnnnnddddd of time...
[Audience is not exactly enthralled with Ralph's mediocre performance, save for Phipps, who rises and gives a standing ovation]
[Ralph is being measured for a new suit. The Royal Tailor presents rolls of black fabric to select from]
Tailor: Would this be to your liking, Your Majesty?
King Ralph: You know, I kinda like that one.
[Ralph points to a roll of fabric that is white with blue stripes]
Tailor: That's an upholstery fabric, Your Majesty.
King Ralph: Yeah?
Cedric: The English people don't generally like their monarch to look like a sofa.
Sir Cedric: These are a few of our traditional English dishes, some of which you will be served tonight. Here we have roast beef and yorkshire pudding, bangers and mash, and the ever-popular Spotted Dick.
Ralph: Spotted Dick??
[Ralph nervously eyes a tray full of sausages]
Ralph: Dick of WHAT???
Sir Cedric: These are the bangers. Sausages.
[Cedric presents fruit syrup with a doughy cake]
Sir Cedric: Spotted Dick is the dessert.
Ralph: Can I just have some ice cream?
Sir Cedric: Your Majesty, may I present the Sovereign King Mulamboa of Zambei.
King Ralph: [seeing that the king is black, using a Eubonics dialect] Hey, homes! What's happening? Give me quintet, brother!
King Mulamboa: I do not comprehend, Your Majesty!
King Ralph: Uh... welcome, Your Majesty. On behalf of the people of the United Kingdom... [uncomfortable silence] Uh, do you want to go get a beer?
[Ralph takes King Mulamboa to an English pub for a pint and to play a game of darts]
King Mulamboa: My people are inventive. We seek to manufacture the world's first African car. If we are to market it in the United States should we not be concerned about gas mileage?
King Ralph: Gas mileage is fine, but keep in mind - the first question every car buyer asks themselves is 'Will this car get me laid?'
[Ralph throws a dart and hits the bullseye]
King Ralph: And that my friend, is game.
[King Mulamboa shows Ralph the sport of his native country, which is a combination of hurling spears at a gigantic archery target. Ralph hits one of the outer rings of the target]
King Ralph: Aw man, if he gets more than a 7 we're screwed.
[King Mulamboa take his turn and hits the bullseye. Everyone cheers and Ralph congratulates Mulamboa on his win]
King Ralph: Listen, I've been meaning to ask you, do they tell you who you could date over there?
King Mulamboa: Of course not. I am the King.
King Ralph: Damn, I knew I was getting hosed over here.
Hale: [Ralph has referred to Princess Anna as a "fox"] I'm glad you find her so. Best wishes in your fox hunting.
King Gustav: Fox hunting? You like fox hunting, yes.
Ralph: Well, I don't get out much lately. But I used to go out almost every evening. One club or another.
King Gustav: Really? That often? You must have collected several tails.
Ralph: [shocked] Well, I admit I slept with a few. But I'm not like that anymore. Now a days, you can't be too careful. You don't know who they've been with.
King Gustav: No, I suppose not.
Ralph: Yeah? Once I got a steady girl, that put an end to it.
King Gustav: She did not like fox hunting?
Ralph: Of course not! Anna's not into it, is she?
King Gustav: Oh, yes! She loves it! Most royals do.
[Ralph is shocked to learn Princess Anna has a big booming voice]
Princess Anna: Mummy, Daddy and I have been to all the places the royals go. Cairo, Singapore, Gstaad, Aspen, Paris and of course Ascot.
King Ralph: Ascot? Where is that?
Princess Anna: England.
[Ralph excuses himself to get a breath of fresh air on the balcony]
Sir Cedric: How's it going, Your Majesty?
Ralph: Great. We've got nothing in common and she's got a voice like a tuba. If she had her way, we'd have sex on a bed of nails on national television. But at least the party stinks.
Lord Percival: [after Ralph accuses him of undermining him] This is an OUTRAGE! A VILE piece of slander! I demand to know the source of these allegations!
Ralph: We haved the signed confession of a royal page, Gordon Halliwell, who worked Lord Graves.
Lord Percival: I know no such man!
Ralph: And several cheques made out to the photographers who took the pictures, signed by Lord Graves. Whose fingerprints were also on the photographs.
Lord Percival: So! I saw them at the ball!
Ralph: And Scotland Yard found the negatives at his house this morning.
[Lord Graves realizes that he's busted]
Lord Percival {nervously}: By what right can you order my arrest?!
King Ralph: By the Treason Act of 1702 forbidding interference in the proper succession of a monarch. Enacted by...
[Ralph pauses, as he recites Camilla's teaching of the Order of the King's poem to himself]
Ralph: William III!
Various Members of Parliament: [staggered throughout Parliament as Lord Graves is escorted out by Scotland Yard] SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!
[Punks are watching this televised event at an electronics shop on the street]
Dysentery: That's right! String him up! Wanker!
Sir Cedric: It is far easier to whisper advice from behind the scenes rather than risk its merit at the point of attack.
Sir Cedric: We'll put the velour industry on full standby.

Taglines

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  • A comedy of majestic proportions
  • When Ralph becomes royalty, laughter resigns!
  • A great tragedy has befallen the royal family leaving only one heir to the throne...

Cast

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