Kath & Kim

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Series 1

Gay (1.2)

Sharon: You know what Mrs. D? I think you should come out!

Kath: ... I don't think so, Sharon.

Kim: [To Kath at bridal shop] That could be the theme of your wedding... mutton dressed as lamb!

Kel: [To Kath, indignant over her coldness after his 'seamans revelation'] Keep Saturday night free, because after that there will be no doubt that I, Kel Graham Knight, am all the man you need!... now, what did I do with my man-bag?

Kath: [Talking to Kim about her sexuality, believing her to be a lesbian] You're a Dutch sea wall, Kim!

Kim: [Confused] What?

Kath: A dyke! On a bike... if you like.

Kim: Mum, I'm not gay.

Sharon: Well, if I'm so attractive Kim, how come I can't get a guy?

Kim: I don't know.

Kath: Kim, I'll tell you something for nothing, you may eat like a pig, but you're certainly not a dog.

Kim: Well, if I'm not a dog, how come I've got a bitch for a mother?

Kath: I heard that.

Kel: And this is for you.

Kath: Oh, Kel, Barbara Streisand!

Kel: Yep, I'm a big Streisand fan.

Kath: Really? Oh, what a nong I am to think that you were gay when you're a big Barbara Streisand fan.

Sport (1.3)

Kim: [Talking to Kath about Brett's alleged unfaithfulness] In case you hadn't noticed, I'm an emotional wreck at the moment. My husband has been having it off with not one, but two third parties!

Sharon: If you need!

Kim: Bloody Bolton bitches!

Kim: I'm not as stupid as I look.

Fat (1.4)

Kath: [Trying to help her daughter to lose weight] Kimmy, Look at moiye, look at moiye, Look at moiye, ploise. Now I've got one word to say to you... Ozone hi bootiful girl!

Kim: What?

Kath: The ozone diet. It's the only way! It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. Everybody's on it: Madonna Penn Ritchie, Jennifer Pitt Aniston, Courtney Loves Cox.

Kim: The ozone diet? What does that pacifically entail?

Kath: Well, it's air evidently, Kimmy. You eat air for two weeks, and then red meat for two weeks, so it all balances out!

Kath: Oh, then there is your "welcome mat". (pointing to Kim's lower back)

Kim: What?

Kath: Oh, the unsightly patch of hair just there.

Old (1.5)

Kath: Look, I just feel I have so many options, R.E: the venue at the moment; you know I've got 'Big Jugs' on one hand, I've got 'Dirty Nelly's' on the other, and now I've got King Henry VIII constantly on my back!

Kim: I'm not criticising you, Mum. I'm just saying you look bad!

Sharon: To be honest, I think you look like mutton dressed as lamb.

Kath: Well, thank you for noticing Sharon!

Kath: I told King Henry VIII to get knotted. Me and Kel are happy to do it on the front lawn!

Kim: Sharon! Treat em' mean, keep them keen!

Sharon: Well? wouldn't... being nicer be the better way to go?

Sharon: It’s a poem.

Kim: This’ll be good!

Sharon: *Reads poem from Brett to Kim* Dear Kim, I think about you all the time, I am missing you all the time, you are a hornbag, I’m a fool, if you come back I’ll put in a heated spa.

Kim: It doesn’t even rhyme!

Money (1.6)

Brett: (Talking to Kim about online dating) Why don't you try logging on to WWW dot bretty dot com - hey you, come here! (grabs Kim)

Kim: Piss off, Brett!

Kath: No kiss, no coach, no kiss, no coach, it was like a nightmare!

Kim: Why didn't you just kiss him?

Party (1.7)

Kath: I really want something elegant, you know. Something, I dont know, maybe a cocktail party. You know, with some hot suggestions.

Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah! We can have those classy cocktails. I've had them all, Sixtey-Niner, Slow Screw Against The Wall, Sex On The Beach.

Kath: Yeah? What about an "orgasm"?

Kim: No, I've never had one of those.

Kim: Look at me, Mum, don't you think I look like Britney Spears?

Kath: Yes, you do, you do, you look like her sister, Asparagus. Asparagus Spears, geddit?

Kim: I've still got a thumping headache. I'm never drinking again.

Kath: More Bailey's, Kim?

Kim: Yes, thanks.

The Wedding (1.8)

Trude: When is the wedding?

Kath: It's September 18th, 4:45 for a 4:46 start.

Trude: And where will the wedding be held? Hyatt? Sheraton? Crown Towers?

Kath: No, it's a garden wedding.

Trude: Oh beyoushiful, a marquee at the Royal Botanical Garden!

Kath: Erm, no, a tarpaulin over the clothesline at White Horse Court, Fountain Lakes.

Trude: Graysh!

Prue: How about something in your Bodum?

Kim: I beg yours!

Prue: A plunger in your Bodum's always nice. And it comes with these matching cups which are cyuuute.

Kim: Nuh.

Prue: How about Nigella Oliver's newie? It's the box set! It's got New Food, Screwed Food, Rude Food and Nude Food...

Kim: Nuh.

Kath: Do you have flutes in your Orrefors? (pronounced like orifice)

Trude: Yes! I do.

Kath: Right, I'll take two of those.

Kim: Mum, do you want a... threw... for your carch?

Prue: I was furious, Trude, because she knew we had the Stockbrokers-in-Crisis polo picnic, and we had to make thirty mini goats' cheese pizzas!

Trude: Why, Flick's like that; she doesn't think! I mean, she and Jeff are grayshsh, and i love seeing them at Noorrsa...

Prue: Yes, but down here she is just too full-on.

Trude: Oh, that reminds me -- that little man from Beechtree and Sons is coming over to talk hoihurba.

Prue: Oh God, I hope he's surba. Oh, we've got stacks of hoihurba left urva from Octurba! (Sees Kath and Kim) You all right there?

Trude Or are you just happy brahzing?

Kim: Heres your statue, Mum! (brings in a statue of little baby cheeses)

Kath: OH! What in the love in God is that?

Kim: It's the statue you wanted!

Kath: What? No, it's not, Kim!

Kim: Yes, it is! It's a statue of little baby cheeses!

Kath: Little baby cheeses? Oh, little baby "Jesus", Kim. JESUS! (sighs) Oh, Jesus!

Series 2

The Announcement (2.1)

Kim: Oh, give it a bone, Mum.

Kath: I would, Kim, but you already ate it.

Kim: For your information, I do have a date. A STICKY DATE!

Kath: Oh, don't be foul, Kim!

Kath: What country are you from, Imran? Hmm, mustn't have heard me.

Kim: Lucky him.

Kath: Eyes Wide Shut, that was a funny film! Actually I might get that out on DVD...yeah...get me out on myself...

Inside Out (2.2)

Kath: "Kimmie, look at me. Look at me please. Look at me, look at me. Now, I have one word for you: feng shui."

Kim: "What?"

Kath: "You've got your back to the door. It means your enemies can come in at any time and clock you on the head!"

Kim: "Someone's gonna clock you on the head in a minute."

Kath: "What was that Kim?"

Kim: "Nothing, just said we need a clock by the bed."

Kim: "I was thinking of going with monogamy."

Kath:"Oh no, Kim, monogamy's very old fashioned. You just want a veneer of monogamy. That's all people care about these days."

The Moon (2.3)

Kim: What I think? I'll tell you what I think. I think you can stick the A.I.S right up your A.I.S.E.

Kim: "Mum, look at me. Don't I look like Rachel Hunter?"

Kath: "Err yeh love... *scratches eyelid*... you look like some sort of Hunter."

Obsession (2.4)

Kim: If it's not Dotti or Witchery, don't talk to me.

Kim: "Watch and learn, Brett, I'm gonna work the room."

[glances around]

Kim: "Kelly, empty glasses here - NOT A GOOD LOOK!"

[Kim is slightly bumped by one of Brett's co-workers]

Kim [swiftly turning around]: "I could have you sacked for that!"

Kim: "Ohhh, so you're the famous Jarred I've heard all about."

Jarred (smiling): "All good, I hope."

Kim: "No... I'll have a cardonnay (pronounced kar-doe-nay) thanks Jarred."

Kim (yoghurt dripping from her mouth down her top): "I'm corporate, I could entertain those dickheads anyday."

Kim: "I have them eating putty out of my hand!"

My Boyfriend (2.5)

Kath: (talking on the phone) Oh yes hello Trish? Yes, yes it’s Kath Day Knight, Um look yeah my phone line is down, well there’s something wrong with the phone and I need to be urgently contactable by my local florist at present.

Another Announcement (2.6)

The Shower (2.7)

The Hideous Truth (2.8)

Sharon: "IT'S HIDEOUS! IT'S UNNATURAL! GOD'S A BASTARD!" (Kim and Sharon both scream)

Kim: (Sharon crying like a baby) "She's crying all the time and she's very windy."

Sharon: (sobbing) "They didn't have Passiona so I had to get a Solo instead."

Kim: "I'm hungry. I want something healthy."

Sharon: "What about some fruit, Kimmy?"

Kim: "Good idea. Can you get me a Cherry Ripe? Jumbo size."

Sharon: "Sure"

Kim: "IT HUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRTS!"

Series 3

Cactus Hour (3.1)

Sharon: Kim! You look like a bit of a fashion victim.

Kim: Thank you Sharon. I do try.

The Mango Espadrille (3.2)

Kim: Pissed mothers is such a bad look!

Sitting on a Pile (3.3)

Brett: Well Cujo says hi.

Brett’s Mother: Well darling she's a bitch too.

Kicking up a Stink (3.4)

Kim: I'm dying in this townhouse.

Hello Nails! (3.5)

Kath: Hi Sharon, you met a guy!

Sharon: How'd you know, Mrs. D?

Kath: Oh, I can feel it in me waters!

Kim: Who is this so called "guy"? He's not a bloody doctor, is he?

Kath: Hallelujah! The droughts broken!

Kim: Well, I wouldn't open my flood gates yet.

High and Dry (3.6)

Brett: Well, there it is. I know it's the worst house, but it's on the best street. It's what you're supposed to buy.

Kim: No, you've got it all wrong. You're supposed to buy the best house on the worst street, 'cause then you can lord it over people.

Brett: I don't want to lord it over people.

Kim: Well, doesn't that just sum it up, Acting Assistant Deputy Sales Manager in Charge of Software. Wow, I'm impressed... not.

Kim: What about me? I'm stuck at home with Epponnee on my face, mum on my back and Kel up my goat. How would you like it?

Brett: Don't get all pussy-bum on me.

Kim: I'm just bored, Brett. Bored stupid.

Kath: Frankly, these days a spa pool is essential if you're going to over-capitalise.

Kim: It's beautiful! It's got a gym, a pool and a mezza-noyne.

Kath: A mezza-noyne?!

Together: It's noyce, it's diff'rent, it's un-ewes-ual, yes, a mezza-noyne.

Kath: [To Kel, upon hearing that they've been chosen to star in an adult nappies commercial] You wouldn't believe the money, Kel, they're talking THREE figures!

Kath: What are you reading there, Kim?

Kim: The Da Vinci Code, I'm reading it to Epponnee as a bedtime story.

Kath: Oh, yes, I'm reading that, but I'm reading the abridged version. It's called the Eensie-Weensie Da Vinci Code.

Kim: Mum, why is there barely any water in here?

Kath: Well it's a drought Kim! Phase 2 at the moment!

Kim: Oh, just fill it up -- I would!

Kath: No Kim! The farmers! [quietly] Actually Kim, Kel did fill it up the other day but bozzo next door dobbed us in.

Kim: So what are we sitting in now?

Kath: This is grey water, it's washing up water.

Kim: [takes sponge out of water and throws it on ground] Ewwww! Mum!

Kath: Well Kim, that's what we're reduced to, thanks to -- [neighbour sticky-beaks] Oh yes! Having a good butcher's, are we? No, don't try and hide! We can see you!

Kim: We can see you!

Foxy on the Run (3.7)

Kim: [To Kylie Minogue] Let's celebrate! Would you like a car-donnay, Kylie?

Kath: Stewpid girl, Kim. It's not car-donnay, the correct pronunciation is shah-donnay.

Kim: Mum, it's French, the haitch is silent. Back me up, here, Kylie!

Kylie: Yeah, she's right, Mrs. D., I've been to Paris, and h is silent, it's car-donnay.

Kath: Well, excuse me for living, Kylie.

Sharon: Where pacifically in the specific were you gonna go, Mrs D.?

99% Fat Free (3.8)

Kel: What is so wrong with two baby-boomers getting it on for a photo while we're still both incredibly fit?

Kath: [After Kel experiences heartburn masquerading as angina.] Well, you heard what Dr. Ng said. Gotta go all low-fat from now on. Gotta watch your cholesterol. I mean, I don't want you pushing up the daisies just when I'm smelling the roses.

Kel: It'll be good for us, and I can afford to lose a few kilos. We can see it as a bit of a challenge.

Kath: Yeah! It'll be something to do, won't it, doll? Oh goodie! I feel a bit energised by your near-death experience.

Kim: Mum, your pants are split.

Kath: Oh, no, I just bought these lovely latte capris. They must have shrunk in the wash.

Kim: No, I think this time you're the one stacking on the kilos! I think for once, the mule is on the other foot.

Kath: You're the mule, you stupid girl.

Brett: "(talking about Epponnee) She could be prime minister..."

Kim: "I'm thinking bigger than that, Brett. She could be on Neighbours!"

Kim: [In a flash-forward 20 years, to an offscreen Epponnee-Rae.] Epponnee, hurry up! And don't forget your fake-tan.

Kim: Epponnee, Silver Lady Coaches called. The flying saucers are going to be here any minute!

Kath: Awww, little Epponnee-Rae, it's alright darling, Epponnee Raelene Charlene Kathleen Darlene Craig. You are getting more and more like your boo-tiful granny as the days go by. Look at her hair, Kimmie, it's getting a nice frizz to it!

Kim: Oh, don't wish that on her! Although, I do think, luckily, personality-wise she's going to be like me.

Brett: [In a flash-forward, to his daughter Epponnee, played by Kylie Minogue, on her wedding day] You look like a fairy-tale princess, Epps!

Epponnee: Tell me something I don't know, Dad!

Sharon: I think you look really gorgeous, Epps.

Epponnee: Well, you're only hyew-man!!

Da Kath and Kim Code (2005 telemovie)

Kim: Sharon! What have you come as?

Sharon: Well, this is my Polish national costume, Kim -- why?

Kim: No! I said pole dancing!

Sharon: Well I'm a Pole, Kim! Strzelecki. Well, half a Pole anyway, on my dad's side.

Kim: NO! Sexy dancing with a pole!

Sharon: Well, that sounds a bit stupid, Kim.

Kim: Oh, it's stupid, is it? So are the people on Big Brother stupid? 'Cause they all do pole dancing.

Kath: I wouldn't be playing the cold shoulder all too often with Brett, you know, Kim. The way he's presenting himself at the moment, he's a most irresistible package.

Kim: Mum, Brett is not having an affair. Why would he go for fillet steak when he's got sausage meat at home? (Receives a text from Sharon telling her about Brett kissing Kelly) Brett had fillet steak last night!

Kim: Stupid Sharon! (To Epponnee Rae) Mummy is a hornbag, isn't she?

Epponnee Rae: Nuh...

Kim: You little b - (brightens) You said your first word!

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Kath & Kim

Kath & Kim quotes at the Internet Movie Database
TV.com: Kath and Kim