Kath & Kim
Kath & Kim is a satirical Australian television series shown on the ABC network. The series began in 2002, and is has so far aired four seasons and a TV movie. The show was created and written by Jane Turner and Gina Riley, who play the title roles.
The main characters are: Kath, an 'empty nester' divorcee who wants to enjoy time with her "hunk of spunk" Kel, a local butcher, but whose lifestyle is often cramped by the presence of her self-indulgent twenty-something daughter Kim, along with Kim's husband Brett and her "second best friend" Sharon.
- Kath: Kim? What are you doing here at the crack of sparrows?
- Kim: I've left Brett.
- Kath: Oh, again!
- Kath: I like to keep myself trim, Kim. Does it make me a crim to keep myself trim?
- Kim: You think Brett is the bee's knees. Well let me tell you, mum, bee's knees are hard to live with 24/7!
- Kath: [Talking to Kim about going on a date] Oh I dunno, just out for a nice meal somewhere, somewhere a bit special, maybe Chinese.
- Kim: Not that special for 800 million Chinese!
- Kath: Oh zip your lip, Kim.
- Kim: Don't forget your Wartoff, Mum!
- Kath: You're a little B!
- Kath: Oh Kim, I'm very proud to say that last night Kel made me feel more like a woman than I have in a very long time.
- Kim: Not before breakfast, ploise!
- Kath: Oh no Kim, I need to talk about it, you know last night Kel touched me, he touched me in nooks and in unexplored crannies I never knew I had.
- Kim: I want to be effluent, mum, effluent!
- Kath: You are effluent, Kim!
- Sharon: Kim, I think it's nice about your mum and Kel. Don't you think it's nice that she's got a boyfriend? Or are they day factos?
- Kim: Day facto, night facto... the fact that they're facto-ing at all I find repulsive in the extreme.
- Kim: [To viewer] You couldn't ask for a better friend than Sharon. She's one of those people that make you feel better by just being around. You know, by comparison.
- Kim: I'm not a Housewife, I'm a Hornbag
- Kim: I'm not a size 16, Mum. I'm a size 10!
- Kath: Ha! (mutters) Country Roads, size 10!
- Sharon: You know what Mrs. D? I think you should come out!
- Kath: ... I don't think so, Sharon.
- Kim: [To Kath at bridal shop] That could be the theme of your wedding... mutton dressed as lamb!
- Kel: [To Kath, indignant over her coldness after his 'seamans revelation'] Keep Saturday night free, because after that there will be no doubt that I, Kel Graham Knight, am all the man you need!... now, what did I do with my man-bag?
- Kath: [Talking to Kim about her sexuality, believing her to be a lesbian] You're a Dutch sea wall, Kim!
- Kim: [Confused] What?
- Kath: A dyke! On a bike... if you like...
- Kim: Mum, I'm not gay.
- Sharon: Well, if I'm so attractive Kim, how come I can't get a guy?
- Kim: I don't know.
- Kath: Kim, I'll tell you something for nothing, you may eat like a pig, but you're certainly not a dog.
- Kim: Well, if I'm not a dog, how come I've got a bitch for a mother?
- Kath: I heard that.
- Kel: And this is for you.
- Kath: Oh, Kel, Barbara Streisand!
- Kel: Yep, I'm a big Streisand fan.
- Kath: Really? Oh, what a nong I am to think that you were gay when you're a big Barbara Streisand fan.
- Kim: [Talking to Kath about Brett's alleged unfaithfulness] In case you hadn't noticed, I'm an emotional wreck at the moment. My husband has been having it off with not one, but two third parties!
- Sharon: If you need!
- Kim: Bloody Bolton bitches!
- Kim: I'm not as stupid as I look.
- Kath: [Trying to help her daughter to lose weight] Kimmy, Look at moiye, look at moiye, Look at moiye, ploise. Now I've got one word to say to you... Ozone hi bootiful girl!
- Kim: What?
- Kath: The ozone diet. It's the only way! It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. Everybody's on it: Madonna Penn Ritchie, Jennifer Pitt Aniston, Courtney Loves Cox.
- Kim: The ozone diet? What does that pacifically entail?
- Kath: Well, it's air evidently, Kimmy. You eat air for two weeks, and then red meat for two weeks, so it all balances out!
- Kath: Oh, then there is your "welcome mat". (pointing to Kim's lower back)
- Kim: What?
- Kath: Oh, the un-slightly patch of hair just there.
- Kath: Look, I just feel I have so many options, R.E: the venue at the moment; you know I've got 'Big Jugs' on one hand, I've got 'Dirty Nelly's' on the other, and now I've got King Henry VIII constantly on my back!
nick poos in trumpets and is the best at fia 15 :))))))))))))))))))))))
- Kim: I'm not criticising you, Mum. I'm just saying you look bad!
- Sharon: To be honest, I think you look like mutton dressed as lamb.
- Kath: Well, thank you for noticing Sharon!
- Kath: I told King Henry VIII to get knotted. Me and Kel are happy to do it on the front lawn!
- Kim: Sharon! Treat em' mean, keep them keen!
- Sharon: Well? wouldn't... being nicer be the better way to go?
- Brett: (Talking to Kim about online dating) Why don't you try logging on to WWW dot bretty dot com - hey you, come here! (grabs Kim)
- Kim: Piss off, Brett!
- Kath: No kiss, no coach, no kiss, no coach, it was like a nightmare!
- Kim: Why didn't just kiss him?
- Kath: I really want something elegant, you know. Something, I dont know, maybe a cocktail party. You know, with some hot suggestions.
- Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah! We can have those classy cocktails. I've had them all, Sixtey-Niner, Slow Screw Against The Wall, Sex On The Beach.
- Kath: Yeah? What about an "orgasm"?
- Kim: No, I've never had one of those.
- Kim: Look at me, Mum, don't you think I look like Britney Spears?
- Kath: Yes, you do, you do, you look like her sister, Asparagus. Asparagus Spears, geddit?
- Kim: I've still got a thumping headache. I'm never drinking again.
- Kath: More Bailey's, Kim?
- Kim: Yes, thanks.
The Wedding (1.8)Edit
- Trude: When is the wedding?
- Kath: It's September 18th, 4:45 for a 4:46 start.
- Trude: And where will the wedding be held? Hyatt? Sheraton? Crown Towers?
- Kath: No, it's a garden wedding.
- Trude: Oh beyoushiful, a marquee at the Royal Botanical Garden!
- Kath: Erm, no, a tarpaulin over the clothesline at White Horse Court, Fountain Lakes.
- Trude: <erases her last notation violently> Grayshsh!
- Prue: How about something in your Bodum?
- Kim: I beg yours!
- Prue: A plunger in your Bodum's always nice. And it comes with these matching cups which are cyuuute.
- Kim: Nuh.
- Prue: How about Nigella Oliver's newie? It's the box set! It's got New Food, Screwed Food, Rude Food and Nude Food...
- Kim: Nuh.
- Kath: Do you have flutes in your Orrefors? (pronounced like orifice)
- Trude: Yes! I do.
- Kath: Right, I'll take two of those.
- Kim: Mum, do you want a... threw... for your carch?
- Prue: I was furious, Trude, because she knew we had the Stockbrokers-in-Crisis polo picnic, and we had to make thirty mini goats' cheese pizzas!
- Trude: Why, Flick's like that; she doesn't think! I mean, she and Jeff are grayshsh, and i love seeing them at Noorrsa...
- Prue: Yes, but down here she is just too full-on.
- Trude: Oh, that reminds me -- that little man from Beechtree and Sons is coming over to talk hoihurba.
- Prue: Oh God, I hope he's surba. Oh, we've got stacks of hoihurba left urva from Octurba! (Sees Kath and Kim) You all right there?
- Trude Or are you just happy brahzing?
- Kim: Heres your statue, Mum! (brings in a statue of little baby cheeses)
- Kath: OH! What in the love in God is that?
- Kim: It's the statue you wanted, Mum!
- Kath: No, its not, Kim!
- Kim: Yes, it is! It's a statue of little baby cheeses!
- Kath: Little baby cheeses? Oh, little baby "Jesus", Kim. JESUS! (sighs) Oh, Jesus!
The Announcement (2.1)Edit
- Kim: Oh, give it a bone, Mum.
- Kath: I would, Kim, but you already ate it.
- Kim: For your information, I do have a date. A STICKY DATE!
- Kath: Oh, don't be foul, Kim!
- Kath: What country are you from, Imran? Hmm, mustn't have heard me.
- Kim: Lucky him.
- Kath: Eyes Wide Shut, that was a funny film! Actually I might get that out on DVD...yeah...get me out on myself...
Inside Out (2.2)Edit
- Kath: "Kimmie, look at me. Look at me please. Look at me, look at me. Now, I have one word for you: feng shui."
- Kim: "What?"
- Kath: "You've got your back to the door. It means your enemies can come in at any time and clock you on the head!"
- Kim: "Someone's gonna clock you on the head in a minute."
- Kath: "What was that Kim?"
- Kim: "Nothing, just said we need a clock by the bed."
- Kim: "I was thinking of going with monogamy."
- Kath:"Oh no, Kim, monogamy's very old fashioned. You just want a veneer of monogamy. That's all people care about these days."
The Moon (2.3)Edit
- Kim: What I think? I'll tell you what I think. I think you can stick the A.I.S right up your A.I.S.E.
- Kim: "Mum, look at me. Don't I look like Rachel Hunter?"
- Kath: "Err yeh love... *scratches eyelid*... you look like some sort of Hunter."
- Kim: If it's not Dotti or Witchery, don't talk to me.
- Kim: "Watch and learn, Brett, I'm gonna work the room."
- [glances around]
- Kim: "Kelly, empty glasses here - NOT A GOOD LOOK!"
- [Kim is slightly bumped by one of Brett's co-workers]
- Kim [swiftly turning around]: "I could have you sacked for that!"
- Kim: "Ohhh, so you're the famous Jarred I've heard all about."
- Jarred (smiling): "All good, I hope."
- Kim: "No... I'll have a cardonnay (pronounced kar-doe-nay) thanks Jarred."
- Kim (yoghurt dripping from her mouth down her top): "I'm corporate, I could entertain those dickheads anyday."
- Kim: "I have them eating putty out of my hand!"
My Boyfriend (2.5)Edit
- Kath: (talking on the phone) Oh yes hello Trish? Yes, yes its Kath Day Knight, Um look yeah my phone line is down, well theres something wrong with the phone and I need to be connacted by my local florist at present.
Another Announcement (2.6)Edit
The Shower (2.7)Edit
The Hideous Truth (2.8)Edit
Cactus Hour (3.1)Edit
- Sharon: Kim! You look like a bit of a fashion victim.
- Kim: Thanks Sharon. I do try.
The Mango Espadrille (3.2)Edit
Sitting on a Pile (3.3)Edit
- Bret: Well Kujo says hi.
- Brets Mother: Well darling she's a bitch too.
Kicking up a Stink (3.4)Edit
- Kim: I'm dying in this townhouse.
Hello Nails! (3.5)Edit
- Kath: Hi Sharon, you met a guy!
- Sharan: How'd you know, Mrs. D?
- Kath: Oh, I can feel it in me waters!
- Kim: Who is this so called "guy"? He's not a bloody doctor, is he?
- Kath: Hallelujah! The droughts broken!
- Kim: Well, I wouldn't open my flood gates yet.
High and Dry (3.6)Edit
- Brett: Well, there it is. I know it's the worst house, but it's on the best street. It's what you're supposed to buy.
- Kim: No, you've got it all wrong. You're supposed to buy the best house on the worst street, 'cause then you can lord it over people.
- Brett: I don't want to lord it over people.
- Kim: Well, doesn't that just sum it up, Acting Assistant Deputy Sales Manager in Charge of Software. Wow, I'm impressed... not.
- Kim: What about me? I'm stuck at home with Epponnee on my face, mum on my back and Kel up my goat. How would you like it?
- Brett: Don't get all pussy-bum on me.
- Kim: I'm just bored, Brett. Bored stupid.
- Kath: Frankly, these days a spa pool is essential if you're going to over-capitalize.
- Kim: It's beautiful! It's got a gym, a pool and a mezza-noyne.
- Kath: A mezza-noyne?!
- Together: It's noyce, it's diff'rent, it's un-ewes-ual, yes, a mezza-noyne.
- Kath: [To Kel, upon hearing that they've been chosen to star in an adult diapers commercial] You wouldn't believe the money, Kel, they're talking THREE figures!
- Kath: What are you reading there, Kim?
- Kim: The Da Vinci Code, I'm reading it to Epponnee as a bedtime story.
- Kath: Oh, yes, I'm reading that, but I'm reading the abridged version. It's called the Eensie-Weensie Da Vinci Code.
- Kim: Mum, why is there barely any water in here?
- Kath: Well it's a drought Kim! Phase 2 at the moment!
- Kim: Oh, just fill it up -- I would!
- Kath: No Kim! The farmers! [quietly] Actually Kim, Kel did fill it up the other day but bozzo next door dobbed us in.
- Kim: So what are we sitting in now?
- Kath: This is grey water, it's washing up water.
- Kim: [takes sponge out of water and throws it on ground] Ewwww! Mum!
- Kath: Well Kim, that's what we're reduced to, thanks to -- [neighbour sticky-beaks] Oh yes! Having a good butcher's, are we? No, don't try and hide! We can see you!
- Kim: We can see you!
Foxy on the Run (3.7)Edit
- Kim: [To Kylie Minogue] Let's celebrate! Would you like a car-donnay, Kylie?
- Kath: Stewpid girl, Kim. It's not car-donnay, the correct pronunciation is shah-donnay.
- Kim: Mum, it's French, the haitch is silent. Back me up, here, Kylie!
- Kylie: Yeah, she's right, Mrs. D., I've been to Paris, and h is silent, it's car-donnay.
- Kath: Well, excuse me for living, Kylie.
- Sharon: Where pacifically in the specific were you gonna go, Mrs D.?
99% Fat Free (3.8)Edit
- Kel: What is so wrong with two baby-boomers getting it on for a photo while we're still both incredibly fit?
- Kath: [After Kel experiences heartburn masquerading as angina.] Well, you heard what Dr. Ng said. Gotta go all low-fat from now on. Gotta watch your cholesterol. I mean, I don't want you pushing up the daisies just when I'm smelling the roses.
- Kel: It'll be good for us, and I can afford to lose a few kilos. We can see it as a bit of a challenge.
- Kath: Yeah! It'll be something to do, won't it, doll? Oh goodie! I feel a bit energized by your near-death experience.
- Kim: Mum, your pants are split.
- Kath: Oh, no, I just bought these lovely latte capris. They must have shrunk in the wash.
- Kim: No, I think this time you're the one stacking on the kilos! I think for once, the mule is on the other foot.
- Kath: You're the mule, you stupid girl.
- Brett: "(talking about Epponnee) She could be prime minister..."
- Kim: "I'm thinking bigger than that, Brett. She could be on Neighbours!"
- Kim: [In a flash-forward 20 years, to an offscreen Epponnee-Rae.] Epponnee, hurry up! And don't forget your fake-tan.
- Kim: Epponnee, Silver Lady Coaches called. The flying saucers are going to be here any minute!
- Kath: Awww, little Epponnee-Rae, it's alright darling, Epponnee Raelene Charlene Kathleen Darlene Craig. You are getting more and more like your boo-tiful granny as the days go by. Look at her hair, Kimmie, it's getting a nice frizz to it!
- Kim: Oh, don't wish that on her! Although, I do think, luckily, personality-wise she's going to be like me.
- Brett: [In a flash-forward, to his daughter Epponnee, played by Kylie Minogue, on her wedding day] You look like a fairy-tale princess, Epps!
- Epponnee: Tell me something I don't know, Dad!
- Sharon: I think you look really gorgeous, Epps.
- Epponnee: Well, you're only hyew-man!!
Da Kath and Kim Code (2005 telemovie)Edit
- Kim: Sharon! What have you come as?
- Sharon: Well, this is my Polish national costume, Kim -- why?
- Kim: No! I said pole dancing!
- Sharon: Well I'm a Pole, Kim! Strzelecki. Well, half a Pole anyway, on my dad's side.
- Kim: NO! Sexy dancing with a pole!
- Sharon: Well, that sounds a bit stupid, Kim.
- Kim: Oh, it's stupid, is it? So are the people on Big Brother stupid? 'Cause they all do pole dancing.
- Kath: I wouldn't be playing the cold shoulder all too often with Brett, you know, Kim. The way he's presenting himself at the moment, he's a most irresistible package.
- Kim: Mum, Brett is not having an affair. Why would he go for fillet steak when he's got sausage meat at home? (Receives a text from Sharon telling her about Brett kissing Kelly) Brett had fillet steak last night!
- Kim: Stupid Sharon! (To Epponnee Rae) Mummy is a hornbag, isn't she?
- Epponnee Rae: Nuh...
- Kim: You little b - (brightens) You said your first word!