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Johnny English

2003 film by Peter Howitt

Johnny English is a 2003 comedy film, a James Bond-inspired spy spoof, in which the title character tries to stop a French-born royal outcast from becoming King of England. Directed by Peter Howitt and written by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade and William Davies.

He knows no fear. He knows no danger. He knows nothing.Taglines

Johnny English

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  • (first lines) Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.
  • A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, a finely tuned ear and a slightly bigger brain than is strictly necessary.
  • [After climbing into a castle via the sewage system] Oh, pull yourself together, it's only a little bit of poo!
  • The word 'mistake' sir is not one that appears in my dictionary.
  • [Addressing the Archbishop of Canterbury, who he believes to be an impostor] Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words, "Jesus is coming – look busy"?
  • You might have taken me, but you'll never take England. Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun. [English pulls the trigger, but poo splurts out instead of a bullet]
  • I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert, carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a packet of Sherbet Lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.
  • Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service.
  • [after accidentally being crowned king; points to Sauvage after a pause] Arrest that man... and lock him away! [the crowd cheers as four guards take Sauvage away]
  • [speaking to Bough] Have you heard of the chanting of the Bedouin monks of the Almaghreb mountains?
  • [speaking to Lorna] Are you familiar with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta?

Pascal Sauvage

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  • Clearly, the aptly-named English is a fool.
  • [furious because his coronation has been interrupted by English, pulls a gun on crowd] Shut up! All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it's told for one miserable day! But can it do that? My fragrant French Ass it can!

Dialogue

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Lorna Campbell: What are you going to do, Johnny? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you gonna get out there and save your country?
Johnny English: I'm gonna sit in the flat.
Funeral Officer: Everything in order, English?
Johnny English: I think you'll find it's more than just in order, sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England. [a bomb explodes in the distance, killing all the British agents]
Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English!
Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Pegasus: Well, we need to get those jewels back, English, and fast! [English is momentarily distracted by the sight of Pegasus's secretary (who he accidentally tranquilized earlier) scooting past the doors outside in a wheelchair, glaring at him] Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.
Johnny English: [Uncomfortable; the 'assailant' was made up by him to account for him accidentally knocking a man out] Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.
Pegasus: But he's the only lead we've got, English! We have to find him. [A man with a laptop walks into the room] Oh, come in. This is-this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
Johnny English: Well, he was... big.
Roger: Hair colour?
Johnny English: [looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruitbowl] Umm... orange.
Pegasus: [skeptical] Orange?
Johnny English: Mmh. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.
Roger [writing down into his laptop] Frizzy.
Johnny English: An eye patch, broken nose, very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.
Roger: Which cheek?
Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.
Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?
[Pegasus shows him the likeness, accompanied with a scare chord: it resembles a cross between a toothless pirate and a clown]
Johnny English: [surprised by made-up appearance] AH! Oh, that's him, An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.
Johnny English: [picks up a snazzy-looking golden ballpoint pen on the secretary's desk] Oh, reminds me of the old service-issue ballpoint. I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but, click it twice-- [clicks the pen twice, accidentally firing a mini-dart, which hits the secretary in the buttocks. She collapses]
[After falling down a hole]
Bough: Are you all right, sir?
Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.
Bough: That was me, sir.
Johnny English: Oh, good.
[Johnny and Bough are in a dark tunnel]
Johnny English: It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
Bough: How?
Johnny English: The Bedouin monks of the Al Magreb Mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.
Bough: I see, sir.
Johnny English: The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
Bough: Brilliant, sir.
Johnny English: However, you must always sing in E-flat. [singing] E-E-E-E flat, E-E-E flat, E-flaaaaaaat! Thaaaaank you for the music, the songs I'm singing--
Bough: Is it working, sir?
Johnny English: Extremely well, thank you, Bough. [singing] Thanks for all the joy they're-- [Johnny hits the tunnel wall] Ow!
Lorna Campbell: [watching Sauvage, who Johnny thinks is a waiter, standing just behind him] You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.
Johnny English: No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.
[he chuckles, then notices Sauvage standing behind him]
Johnny English: Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage: Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.
Pascal Sauvage: Enchanté.
[Johnny stammers in embarrassment]
Pascal Sauvage: But of course, you're Johnny English. I've heard all about you.
[English has infiltrated a hospital, mistakenly believing it to be Sauvage's HQ; finds an old man in a bed]
Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man: They've taken some of my blood.
Johnny English: Bastards.
Elderly Man: It's only for tests
Johnny English: Of course it is, come on my friend, lets get you out of here before they take anything else
[after landing on the wrong building, which happens to be a hospital, and taking the medical staff hostage]
Johnny English: Now, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.
Doctor: What are you talking about?
Johnny English: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?
[Everyone looks out of the window; Johnny turns to see a giant "SAUVAGE" sign on the next building with Bough staring at him from the window]
Bough: [over com-link] Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?
Archbishop: [preparing to coronate Sauvage] I crown you--
[Johnny swings on the chandelier and snatches the crown]
Johnny English: [fails to grab the banner] Dammit! [swings back and forth on the wire]
Pascal Sauvage: [hands the orb and scepter back to the Archbishop and then springs up from the throne] Give it back!
Johnny English: No!
Pascal Sauvage: That is my crown!
Johnny English: Never!
Pascal Sauvage: GIVE IT BACK!!!
Johnny English: Never in a million years, Sauvage!
[the Archbishop re-prepares to coronate Sauvage]
Archbishop: I crown you...
[Johnny drops from the chandelier and knocks Sauvage out of the throne, causing the Archbishop to place the crown on his head instead]
Archbishop: ...King.

Taglines

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  • He knows no fear. He knows no danger. He knows nothing.
  • Prepare for British Intelligence.
  • The star of Mr. Bean is now Her Majesty's most trusted agent.
  • He's the kind of secret agent the Secret Service keeps secret.
  • When it comes to secret agents, there's the smooth, there's the sophisticated... and there's Johnny English.

Cast

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