Pauly D: I was born and raised a guido. It's just a lifestyle; it's being Italian, it's representing, family, friends, tanning, gel, everything.
Angelina: How do you go in a fucking jacuzzi with a thong and a bra? Wear a thong bikini, that's a little bit more classier if you're gonna wear anything at all, ya know what I mean?
Ronnie: You just take your shirt off and they come to you, it's like a fly comes to shit.
Snooki: I'm going to Jersey Shore, bitch!
Sammi: A guidette is somebody who knows how to club it up, takes really good care of themselves, has pretty hair, cakes on makeup, has tanned skin, wears the hottest heels, pretty much they know how to own it and rock it.
Mike "The Situation": You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody that looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off.
Mike "The Situation": I wait till the last minute to shave, I wait till the last minute to put the shirt on 'cause you feel fresh. These are rules to live by, shave last minute, haircut the day-of, maybe some tanning and the gym. You gotta do the guido handbook.
Mike "The Situation": With me and Sam, it's not a matter of if she wants to hook up with me, it's a matter of just when I decide.
Mike "The Situation": Everybody loves me, babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal.
Ronnie: The Ron-Ron Juice is the shit that gets the night going, I mean whenever that shit comes out it's always a filthy night.
Angelina: I feel like this job is beneath me, I'm a bartender. I do, like, great things.
Pauly D: When I go into the club I have a game plan, I don't wanna waste my time and take home a girl that just wants to hang out, I just wanna get to the business…so. You light it up and then you move on and at the end of the night, you see who you end up with.
Sammi: [about Snooki] This little shrimp thing is like bopping all around, on the circle and like doing her thing, doing backwards flips with her thong hanging out; her whole crotch is in the air.
Ronnie: Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point. Seriously, he would.
Sammi: Yes, I had sex, like hello, you're gonna have sex if you're into somebody. It's natural.
Ronnie: [what he would do if he was J-Woww's boyfriend] I would give her dick in bubblegum. I would send her a picture of my dick in a pack of bubblegum and say "chew on this."
Ronnie: J-Woww's pussy must be rainbows and pots of treasure.
Vinny: They're pretty cool, ya know, there are some girls that are just gonna come here, strip off their clothes, and jump in the jacuzzi. Then there are some girls that are respectful, that you have to just actually treat like girls, human beings.
Pauly D: They're cool girls. They're smart and everything, but they want to hook up just as well, but I think it will take a couple of times seeing them to hook up. They're not, like, whores.
Sammi: I definitely want to look good for Ronnie's parents, because it's the first time they're meeting me. Like, I want them to think like, wow, that's her, she's really pretty, and whatever.
Pauly D: It's so hard to find a good man these days. That's why I date women.
Mike "The Situation": I felt bad about Snickers getting hit by a couple linebackers. I necessarily didn't want to bring home any sort of zoo creatures what-so-ever. I mean, these broads just probably smelled the food at the house.
Pauly D: Through the scuffle, Snooks gets hit in the face again. Poor girl...she needs to take some karate classes or somethin'. She needs self defense. Somebody's got to teach her how to fight or duck.
Snooki: I hate guys. I'm turning lesbian, I swear.
Mike "The Situation": G.T.L. baby. Gym, Tanning, Laundry.
Vinny: My uncles want me to just come here and bang everything, but I kinda want better quality girls.
Snooki: I don't go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us, like McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning... because he is pale and he would probably wanna be tanned.
Emilio Antonio: How many meatballs do you want?
Snooki: I want two...in my face.
Pauly D: [about the cold rain in Rhode Island] Can't stand this weather. Ya can't get tanned in this weather, ya can't creep in this weather, you can't do anything… girls don't come out in this weather, they stay in the house.
Mike "The Situation": Ronnie's at the club, hooking up with Grenades - that is a bigger, ugly chick - and also Landmines - which is a thin, ugly chick - and um, lovin' life.
Snooki: I feel like a pilgrim from the frickin 20's!!!
Mike "The Situation": We have an abundance of wife beaters...and we wear them before we go out, before it's T-shirt time. Right before we go out, we take off the tank and then we put on our fresh shirt.
Mike "The Situation": Can I place an order?
Delivery guy: What's the name?
Mike "The Situation": Situation.
Delivery guy: Name?
Mike "The Situation": Yeah. Situation. S-i-t-u-a-t-i-o-n.
Delivery guy: Whatever man, what's your order?
Snooki: [after knocking the marinating chicken onto the floor] My first thought was, I don't wanna clean this up. My second thought was, I just fucked up dinner. My third thought was, what the fuck am I gonna eat?
Pauly D: My boss seems to think that my hair is gonna fall off and go into the ice cream. This hair ain't movin' my dude. 150 mph on the highway on a street bike...it doesn't move! What makes you think it's gonna move in a gelato shop?
Angelina: It's not like anybody's gonna be my friend after this anyway.
Snooki: Honestly, like who hides in a bush? Only me. I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush, and I will hide in a bush. I do fucked up shit, I don't even know what's wrong with me.
Vinny: Oh my god, this girl at the club is beyond the word stalker. She is a parasite and I am the host.
Snooki: This is the first night that we're going out to a club. Fuckin' Ron and Sam aren't coming out, SHOCKER...shocker. So what are they gonna do? They're gonna look at each other's eyes and say "I love you, baby," all night? We're in fuckin' Seaside, bitch! Let's go to fuckin' Karma.
Vinny: I got juice all over me!
Pauly D: That's what she said.
Vinny: I personally like fake boobs.
Pauly D: You like 'em like you like your girl's eyes, cockeyed.