- [To Needy and Chip] It smells like Thai food in here. Have you guys been fucking?
- You're lime-green jello and you can't even admit it to yourself.
- [Trying to let the guys from Low Shoulder let her go] Yes. Yes, I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I've never even done sex. I don't even know how. So, you guys should find somebody. Who does. Know how.
- Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, you're butch!
- Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. And by the way, that hurts! I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.
- [On Colin Gray] He listens to maggot rock. He wears nail polish. My dick is bigger than his.
- PMS isn't real Needy, it was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem like we're crazy.
- [Pulls down Colin's pants] Nice hardware, Ace.
- [Colin, backing away from her, cuts his arm on a pair of hedgeclippers] Oh! A puncture wound. God, that's so emo...
- [Preparing to kill Colin Gray] I need you frightened. [Throws him around some more] I need you hopeless.
- [Last words] My tit.
- Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope. We're working with the beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is gonna wear your face. [Dirk gives him a look] Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is gonna happen.
- Chip:[after Jennifer attacked him] She can fly?
- Needy: She's just hovering... it's not that impressive.
- Jennifer: God, do you have to undermine everything I do? You are such a player hater.
- Needy: You're a jerk.
- Jennifer: Wow, nice comeback, Hannah Montana. Got any more harsh digs?
- Needy: You know what? You were never a good friend. Even when we were little you used to steal my toys, and pour lemonade on my bed.
- Jennifer: And now I'm eating your boyfriend. See? At least I'm consistent.
- Needy: Why do you need him? Huh? you can have anybody that you want, Jennifer. So... why Chip? Is it just to tick me off? Or is it just because you're just really insecure?
- Jennifer: I am not insecure, Needy. God that was a joke, how could I ever be insecure? I was the snowflake queen!
- Needy: Yeah, two years ago when you were socially relevant.
- Jennifer: I am still socially relevant.
- Needy: And when you didn't need laxatives to stay skinny.
- Jennifer: I am going... to eat your soul... and SHIT it OUT Lesnicky!
- Needy: I thought you only murdered boys.
- Jennifer: I go both ways.
- Jennifer:[After being stabbed] My tit.
- Needy: No, your heart.
- She's evil... and not just high school evil.
- Megan Fox - Jennifer Check
- Amanda Seyfried - Anita "Needy" Lesnicki
- Johnny Simmons - Chip Dove
- J. K. Simmons - Mr. Wroblewski
- Amy Sedaris - Toni Lesnicki
- Adam Brody - Nikolai
- Kyle Gallner - Colin Gray
- Cynthia Stevenson - Mrs. Dove
- Chris Pratt - Officer Roman Duda
- Carrie Genzel - Mrs. Check
- Juan Riedinger - Dirk
- Juno Ruddell - Officer Warzak
- Valerie Tian as Chasity
- Aman Johal - Ahmet from India
- Josh Emerson - Jonas Kozelle
- Lance Henriksen - driver