- Joe: Do you see what I see?
- Kevin: A cloud in the shape of a rabbit. Cute.
- Joe: No. Lower.
- Kevin: A rabbit in the shape of a cloud. Even cuter.
- Joe: Nick, you always fall, too hard, too fast. It’s like you meet a girl, and boom, instant love. And boom you get dumped. And boom broken heart. And me and Kevin are there picking up the pieces.
- Kevin: Aw, it’s he’s broken heart.
- Kevin and Joe: (Pretend cries.)
- Nick: That happened like, one time.
- Kevin and Joe:(In unison.) Six times.
- Joe: Look at them so cozy in there.
- Kevin: It would just be so rude of us to butt in… Oh we definitely gotta do that.
- Dad: Your mother was the twenty third love of my life.
- Kevin: No way.
- Joe: Wow!
- Dad: I was walking down the isle of the school bus and passed twenty-two girls before I saw your mom.
(Nick , Joe, and Kevin in disguise, so they stay low-key at Penny’s performance. Nick’s dressed like a undercover detective, Joe’s dress like a engish gentleman, eyepiece an and French mustache included! And Kevin a grey hair and a grey mustache.)
- Nick: Seriously? How did you get to the oldest?
- Kevin: Nick, I’m not really this old. It’s a wig, and mustache taped to my face!
- Penny: Oh, sorry! I completely forget. Um, I’d like to dedicate this song to the coolest, sweetest, grooviest guy on the planet. A guys whose heart is filled with music. My soul mate, Jimmy!
- Joe: (Eyepiece falls out and lands in drink.)
- Dad: Oh, hey. The first Christmas in the firehouse.
- Joe: Do you remember when grandma burnt those cookies and we had to call the fire department?
- Nick: Yeah, and then our phone rang.
- Dad: Man, time goes by so fast.
- Joe: (wipes eyes with tissue.)
- Nick: Are you crying?
- Joe: What? No. A bug flew into my eye.(Looks over at Kevin.) Are you crying?
- Kevin: Yes.
- Joe: What do you got there?
- Kevin: It’s a little extra present for mom. (Pulls box of cake mix out of bag.) It’s a do-it-yourself birthday cake.
- Joe: Very classy. (Take box from Kevin.) How about, we make the cake… for her?
- Joe: That’s for me! I ordered pizza!
- Nick: That’s for me. I ordered pizza.
- Kevin: That’s for me, I ordered pizza!
- Stella: Okay. If I have to keep making your pants bigger, the world is going to have a denim shortage.
- Nick: Have you guys tried sweat pants? There's a lot more... wiggle room.
- Joe: I miss her.
- Kevin: Enough to sing about?
- Nick: Oh yeah.
- Kevin: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Keeping It RealEdit
- Joe: I'll wear a disguise. (Picks up near by bow-tie and puts it on.) It’s okay. It’s still me, Joe!
- Stella: Joe you’re a genius!
- Joe: I know.
- Stella: I bet I could disguise you guys enough to sneak you through the fans.
- Kevin: Excellent! I’ll go as Joe, Joe will go as Nick, and Nick will go as me!
- Stella: You know that idea is so good, we should save it for the next time we’re stuck somewhere.
- Kevin: That's what you said last time.
- Joe: (Walks in room with sunglasses on.) Hey Nick, do these sunglasses make my head look fat?
- Nick: No. Your fat head makes your head look fat.
Bands Best FriendEdit
- Dad: Last time I saw you, you were wearing your alien ninja costume. I didn’t think you ever took it off!
- Carl: Got it on under the shirt, sir.
- Dad: Wear it proudly. You know Joe still wears his dinosaur underwear.
- Joe: That was one time... including today.
- Macy: I call it a, Joe-tato chip. (Laughs) It was worth every penny.
- Stella: Wait. That fifty dollars you borrowed from me was spent on a Joe-tato chip?
- Macy: Awesome, right?
- Stella: Awesome wrong. I wouldn’t have lent you the money if I knew that’s what you were gonna spend it on.
- Macy: Wow. I never realized our friendship came with so many conditions attached.
- Stella: Any girl who is the proud owner of a rhinestone incrusted pencil case, should not be criticizing anybody.
- Kevin: You read my e-mails?
- Carl: Only the ones you’ve opened.
- Nick: I told you “Kevin’s password” wasn’t a good pass word.
- Nick: You have something on your head.
- Joe: (Reaches for head and take notepaper off his head.) “Guys, I deiced to go home early.”
- Nick: (Sounding excited.) Carl went home?
- Joe: “Sorry this didn’t work out. I know I can be really annoying sometimes.”
- Kevin: You can be really annoying, Joe.
- Joe: I’m still reading the note.
- Kevin: Oh, sorry.
- Joe: “The only cool thing about me is that I know you guys.
- Kevin: Joe, don’t say that. You have really cool hair.
- Joe: Still reading.
Chasing the DreamEdit
- Kevin: I said dogs could hear it. I didn’t say dogs would like it.
- Nick: Whose dog was that anyway?
- Joe: I don’t know, but he just left a review of Kevin’s guitar playing in the corner.
- Nick: She got a frog in her throat.
- Kevin: There’s a bug going around.
- Nick: No. She was swimming in a swamp and got an actual frog in her throat.
- Nick: Didn’t you tell him we don’t have time for songs? Put the guitar down and turn the lights back on.
- Nick: Then there’s no symptoms of vertigo of nausea?
- Kevin: No, no. I just got really dizzy then I puked.
- Kevin: Dude, I think your biggest math problem is, Joe plus trash can equals bonkers. And YES! I said it.
- Nick: Ruining all our the clothes, messing up Stella’s date, I think somebody needs to be taught a lesson.
- Kevin: If all that fancy talkin’ means having fun with Joe, then I am so in!
- Kevin: Joe! She didn’t even notice your outfit!
- The Queen of England: Oh, we noticed.
- Joe: It was just a joke.
- The Queen: We are not amused.
- Kevin: Hey Joe, if they throw you in the dungeon, can I have you new guitar?
That Ding You DoEdit
- Kevin: Anybody have a pen? (He, Nick and Joe check pockets.)
- Nick: No.
- Joe: Hold on. (Walks over to window and opens it. The sound of scream fans flood the place.) Excuse me girls, does anybody have a pen? INCOMING!
(Joe, Nick and Kevin dart behind the bed to avoid the flying pens.)
- Joe: Clear.
(The pens landed in the wall in the shape of a heart.)
- Joe: Our fans are the best.
- Nick: And they’re freakishly accurate.
- Joe: Punch me in the arm so I know I’m not dreaming
- Nick: (Punches Joe in the arm very hard.)
- Joe: (Grunts) Not dreaming cause that really hurt.
- Kevin: Unless your dreaming that it really hurt.
- Nick: This one goes out to Angelina in the strings section. My bro, he’s the kindest guy that I know, he likes to take things slow, he’s just a regular Joe.
- Kevin: What does make the worst day of a life?
- Nick: So your saying Kevin had a good idea?
- Joe: It was bound to happen eventually.
- Kevin: Thanks, bro.
- Kevin: Looks like somebody need a nap.
- Kevin: NO! Not Mr. Bumbles. Take it out on the keyboard!
- Kevin: Yeah, and Dad said there were gonna be a million people watching all at the same time. That has to be a huge TV.
- Joe: I gotta trim my eyebrows. Can’t let these caterpillars get out of control.
- Macy: Stella! For someone who's so smart you don’t even know what you don’t know you know.
- Stella: I know I have no idea what you talking about.
Nick's father tells a joke and Nick laughs. Father:Oh,thank you.
- Nick: Not you, the book.
The Three MusketeersEdit
- Kevin: (Says to his brother's after talking about the play.) Plus, we get to wear hats with feathers!
- Macy:It’s a little charm that says, “You're #1”, and without it I feel like number two.
- Kevin: Hey dude. What happened? You totally skipped the scene where I get to wear my feather hat.
- Kevin: I’ve never done a performance without it. And I’ve never been struck by lightning! Now, if that’s not lucky I don’t know what is.
- Nick, Joe, and Kevin: One for all, and all for one!
- Kevin: And a leather pouch for my turkey leg!
- Nick: You call her Fifi and she calls you Pookins.
- Nick: If Fiona thinks being connected to you makes her look cool, then what if you weren’t cool?
- Joe: But I am.
- Nick: But what if you weren’t?
- Joe: But I am.
- Nick: But what if you weren’t?
- Joe: But I am.
- Joe: Kevin, give me a blueprint of the school.
- Kevin: Why would I have one of those?
- Joe: How ‘bout a scale model of the school?
- Kevin: You got it!
- Joe: It’s just like whatever I try, I just can’t get detention.
- Kevin: Just give me the word man. I can have twenty goats here by lunch.
- Principle: I want complete, and utter silence. Am I understood?
- Joe: Yes sir.
- Principle: That was a trick question. I said SILENCE!
- Kevin: It is nice that we have high ceilings in this house. We should totally put a trampoline in the middle of our room.
- Joe: That would be awesome! We could somersault into bed, or back flip into the bathroom.
- Nick: Like a pirate needs a hook for a hand, an eye patch, and a parrot. Wow you need a lot of things to be a pirate.
- Stella: You can’t do homework later, cause you’re too busy… doing… homework?
- Stella: Okay, spill it!
- Kevin: (Drop glass so the juice spills.) You know that was my last glass of cranberry juice? You could’ve said, oh I don’t know, DRINK IT?
- Joe: Macy? What are you doing in my house?
Home Not AloneEdit
- Joe: Dudes, we have the whole place to ourselves, let’s do something crazy. Like, brush without flossing or floss without brushing. Better yet, run with scissors! No. Too dangerous. Run without scissors!
- Nick: I think I liked it better when dad called.
- Joe: There’s not enough time. There’s not enough time! THERE’S NOT ENOUGH TIME!
- Nick: Joe!
- Joe: Sorry. But there’s not enough time.
- Kevin: Wow. They’re good.
- Nick: They’re fast.
- Joe: They’re a little scary.
- Macy: They’re Jonas-heads.
- Mom: We would’ve been home sooner, but the plane made an unexpected stop.
- Kevin: Oh, really?
- Nick: She doesn’t mean, “In mid-air”.
Forgetting Stella’s BirthdayEdit
- Dad: Give me a C !
- Kevin: C!
- Dad: Give me an O!
- Joe: O!
- Dad: Give me a-
- Nick: Dad, we’ve got school. How many more letters are there gonna be?
- Joe: Got to go. Science. You get there late, you have to sit in front, and… Mr. Ingalls’s a spitter. Bye.
- Kevin: And also… I LOVE the tiny shampoo bottles you get at the hotels. You know I like to be in the shower and pretend I’m a giant monster and go, “Ah! Watch out tiny shampoo! You will die!” “Ah, tell soap I love her!” “No! You have no chance! Ha ha!”
- Macy: I can’t believe they did that. I’m gonna go yell at them.
- Macy: You know, if I didn’t like you guys so much I wouldn’t like you guys so much.
- Kevin: How ‘bout we through you a surprise party at the zoo!? Oops, uh… You know what? We’re gonna do that next year. I’m just… gonna… stop.. talking now.
- Dad: The last band to cancel an interview with this guy was the Happy-Teens.
- Joe, Kevin and Nick: Who?
- Dad: Exactly.
- Joe: Stella, I know you probably never wanna see us again,
- Nick: Which would be kinda hard, since we go to together and you work with us.
- Kevin: C’mon, five-second dance party! (Daces to music) Who’s in it? (Music stops) I’m turning into my father.
The Tale of the Haunted FirehouseEdit
- Nick: Well, if you see a ghost wearing a belt and suspenders, be sure to run for your life.
- Kevin: Oh my gosh. That was so scary. I didn’t think I was gonna make it. AAHHH!!! I was having a flashback, I’m sorry.
- Kevin: Everybody knows you and Stella have a crush on each other, except… for you and Stella.
- Nick: Oh, for the love of all that is Mike, stop talking.
- Nick: Remember how bummed you were when the tour ended? And you thought your heart never be, (pulls out pen and paper) mended? (Starts to write.)
- Kevin: That rhymed! Wait a second, do you really care or are you just writing a new song?
- Nick: I care! (Continues to write.)
- Kevin: What are you writing?
- Nick: Do you wanna go on tour again, or not?
- Nick: Kevin had, like, three milkshakes for lunch, so… I think we should get out of here before he blows.
- Joe: Quick, everybody look serious in a different direction.
- Stella: She dances just like my grandma, well, back when she had her own hips.
- Macy: Oh hang on, I’m not really sure how to use my new smart phone yet, (barking noise come from phone) oops, I think I just bought a puppy.
- Kevin: Will you to the dance go with me!
- Stella: Yeah I know, and your note was delicious.
- Kevin: If I bring Norway her way, maybe she won’t go away.
- Joe: Really? So we’re just gonna leave ‘em in there? Guys!
Beauty and the BeatEdit
- Dad: Joe, did you just break a window with a shoe? That then hit a cat, causing a British ambulance to crash? Which then scared a cow, who sat on a fat guy playing bagpipes?
- Joe: No. That was my ringtone.
- Dad: Oh, hey, Joe your phone.
- Joe: (Grabs for phone, but ends up falling down the fire pole opening) AHH!
- Kevin: (Looks down hole) He’s good.
- Macy: The bigger, and better than the last tour, tour!
- Joe: I’m working on doing a flip… off a gigantic amp… and landing in a split! Yeah.
- Nick: Good luck with that.