J. B. Morton

John Cameron Andrieu Bingham Michael Morton (better known by his preferred abbreviation J. B. Morton; 7 June 1893 – 10 May 1979) was an English humorous writer noted for authoring a column called "By the Way" under the pen name 'Beachcomber' in the Daily Express from 1924 to 1975.

Quotes

• One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear.
  • By the Way (1931), p. 282

• Hush, hush,
  Nobody cares!
  Christopher Robin
  Has
    Fallen
      Down-
        Stairs.
  • By the Way (1931), p. 367

• Dr. Strabismus (Whom God Preserve) of Utrecht has patented a new invention. It is an illuminated trouser-clip for bicyclists who are using main roads at night.
  • Morton's Folly (1933), p. 99

• Rush hour: that hour when traffic is almost at a standstill.
  • Morton's Folly (1933)

• The Doctor is said also to have invented an extraordinary weapon which will make war less brutal. It is described as a very powerful liquid which rots braces at a distance of a mile.
  • Gallimaufry (1936), "Bracerot"

• The man with the false nose had gone to that bourne from which no hollingsworth returns.
  • Gallimaufry (1936), "Another True Story"

• Erratum. In my article on the price of milk, 'horses' should have read 'cows' throughout.
  • Through Borneo (1937)

• Mr. Justice Cocklecarrot began the hearing of a very curious case yesterday. A Mrs. Tasker is accused of continually ringing the doorbell of a Mrs. Renton, and then, when the door is opened, pushing a dozen red-bearded dwarfs into the hall and leaving them there.
  • Diet of Thistles (1938), pt. 7