[to his boss, on the phone] In a pig's eye, you will!...Hey listen monkey face, when you fired me, you fired the best newshound your filthy scandal sheet ever had...That was free verse, you gashouse palooka!
[to his boss, who has already hung up] Oh, so you're changing your tune, eh? You're a little late with your apologies. I wouldn't go back to work for you if you begged me on your hands and knees. And I hope this will be a lesson to you.
I never did like the idea of sitting on newspaper. I did it once, and all the headlines came off on my white pants. On the level! It actually happened. Nobody bought a paper that day. They just followed me around over town and read the news on the seat of my pants.
[to Ellie] Now listen, I put up a stiff fight for that seat. So if it's just the same to you - scram!
[in a telegram] Am I laughing? The biggest scoop of the year just dropped in my lap. I know where Ellen Andrews is...How would you like to have the story, you big tub of mush...Will try and get it. What I said about never writing another line for you still goes. Are you burning? PETER WARNE
[to Ellie] Now that's my whole plot in a nutshell. A simple story for simple people. If you behave yourself, I'll see that you get to King Westley. If not, I'll just have to spill the beans to Papa.
[to Shapeley] I got a couple of machine guns in my suitcase. I'll let you have one of 'em. May have a little trouble up North. Have to shoot it out with the cops. But if you come through all right, those five G's are as good as in the bag, maybe more. I'll have a talk with the Killer, see that he takes care of ya....yeah, yeah, the big boy, the boss of the outfit. You ever hear of Bugs Dooley?...He was a nice guy, just like you. But he made a big mistake one day. Got a little too talkative. Do you know what happened to his kid?...Well, I can't tell you, but when Bugs heard about it, he blew his brains out.
[to Peter] There is a brain behind that face of yours, isn't there? You've got everything nicely figured out for yourself.
[to Peter] You think I'm a fool and a spoiled brat. Well, perhaps I am, although I don't see how I can be. People who are spoiled are accustomed to having their own way. I never have. On the contrary. I've always been told what to do, and how to do it, and when, and with whom. Would you believe it? This is the first time I've ever been alone with a man!...It's a wonder I'm not panic-stricken...Nurses, governesses, chaperones, even bodyguards. Oh, it's been a lot of fun.
[to King Westley] I admit I'm licked. But it's only because I'm worried. If I don't find her soon, I'll go crazy...if she returns, I won't interfere with your marriage.
[to Ellie, as she is walking down the aisle] That guy Warne is OK. He didn't want the reward. All he asked for was $39.60, what he spent on you. Said it was a matter of principle. You took him for a ride. He loves you Ellie. He told me so. You don't want to be married to a mug like Westley. I can buy him off for a pot of gold. And you can make an old man happy and you won't do so bad for yourself. If you change your mind, your car's waiting back at the gate.
Detective: We're wasting our time. Can you imagine Ellie Andrews riding on a bus?
Shapeley: Shapeley's the name - and that's the way I like 'em!
Shapeley: [to Ellie] Well, shut my big nasty mouth! It looks like you're one up on me. You know, there's nothing I like better than to meet a high-class mama that can snap 'em back at ya. 'Cause the colder they are, the hotter they get. That's what I always say. Yes, sir, when a cold mama gets hot, boy, how she sizzles. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Now, you're just my type. Believe me, sister, I could go for you in a big way. 'Fun-on-the-side' Shapeley they call me, with accent on the fun, believe you me.
Ellie: You've been telling me what not to do ever since I can remember.
Mr. Andrews: That's because you've always been a stubborn idiot.
Ellie: I come from a long line of stubborn idiots.
Ellie: I don't want it reported!...Can you understand English? Would you please keep out of my affairs. I want to be left alone.
Peter: Why, you ungrateful brat!
Peter: Remember me? I'm the fellow you slept on last night.
Ellie: You needn't concern yourself about me. I can take care of myself.
Peter: You'll never get away with it, Miss Andrews.
Ellie: Listen, if you promise not to do it, I'll pay you. I'll pay you as much as he will. You won't gain anything by giving me away, as long I'm willing to make it worth your while. I've got to get to New York without being stopped. It's terribly important to me.
Peter: You know, I had you pegged right from the jump. Just a spoiled brat of a rich father. The only way you get anything is to buy it, isn't it? You're in a jam and all you can think of is your money. It never failed, did it? Ever hear of the word humility? No, you wouldn't. I guess it would never occur to you to just say, 'Please mister, I'm in trouble, will you help me?' No, that would bring you down off your high horse for a minute. Well, let me tell you something, maybe it will take a load off your mind. You don't have to worry about me. I'm not interested in your money or your problem. You, King Westley, your father. You're all a lot of hooey to me!
Ellie: I just had the unpleasant sensation of hearing you referred to as my husband.
Peter: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell ya about that. I registered as Mr. and Mrs.
Ellie: Oh, you did...Well, what am I expected to do? Leap for joy?
Peter: I kinda half expected you to thank me.
Ellie: Your ego is absolutely colossal.
Peter: Yeah, yep. Not bad. How's yours?
Ellie: You know, compared to you, my friend Shapeley is an amateur. Just whatever gave you any idea I'd stand for this?
Peter: Hey now, wait a minute. Let's get this straightened out right now. If you're nursing any silly notion that I'm interested in you, forget it. You're just a headline to me.
Ellie: A headline? You're not a newspaper man are you?
Peter: Chalk up one for your side.
[Peter hangs a blanket between the twin beds in their rented room]
Ellie: That, I suppose, makes everything quite all right?
Peter: Oh this? Well, I like privacy when I retire. Yes, I'm very delicate in that respect. Prying eyes annoy me. Behold the walls of Jericho! Uh, maybe not as thick as the ones that Joshua blew down with his trumpet, but a lot safer. You see, uh, I have no trumpet. Now just to show you my heart's in the right place, I'll give you my best pair of pajamas.
[Peter offers Ellie his pajamas - she ignores them - so he tosses them at her]
Peter: Uh, do you mind joining the Israelites?
[He indicates he wants her to go on the other side of the blanket - she doesn't move]
Peter: You don't want to join the Israelites? Alright.
[He begins to undress]
Peter: Perhaps you're interested in how a man undresses. You know, it's a funny thing about that. Quite a study in psychology. No two men do it alike. You know, I once knew a man who kept his hat on until he was completely undressed. Yeah, now he made a picture. Years later, his secret came out. He wore a toupee. Yeah. You know, I have a method all my own. If you notice, the coat came first, then the tie, then the shirt. Now, uh, according to Hoyle, after that, the, uh, pants should be next. There's where I'm different... I go for the shoes next. First the right, then the left. After that it's, uh, every man for himself.
[When he starts to unbuckle his pants, she runs to the other side of the blanket]
Peter: Aw, don't be a sucker. A good night's rest'll do you a lot of good. Besides, you got nothing to worry about: the walls of Jericho will protect you from the big bad wolf.
Ellie: By the way, what's your name?
Peter: What's that?
Ellie: Who are you?
Peter: Who me? [smiling] I'm the whippoorwill that cries in the night. I'm the soft morning breeze that caresses your lovely face.
Ellie: You've got a name, haven't you?
Peter: Yeah, I got a name. Peter Warne.
Ellie: Peter Warne. I don't like it.
Peter: Don't let it bother you. You're giving it back to me in the morning.
Ellie: Pleased to meet you, Mr. Warne.
Peter: The pleasure is all mine, Mrs. Warne.
Peter: Hey, where'd you learn to dunk? In finishing school?
Ellie: Aw, now don't you start telling me I shouldn't dunk.
Peter: Of course you shouldn't - you don't know how to do it. Dunking's an art. Don't let it soak so long. A dip and [he stuffs the donut in his mouth] plop, in your mouth. Let it hang there too long, it'll get soft and fall off. It's all a matter of timing. Aw, I oughta write a book about it.
Ellie: [Laughing] Thanks, professor.
Peter: Just goes to show you - twenty millions, and you don't know how to dunk.
Ellie: Oh, I'd change places with a plumber's daughter any day.
Ellie: A man here to see you, sweetheart.
Peter: Who, me? You wanna see me?
Detective: What's your name?
Ellie: Are you addressin' me?
Detective: Yeah, what's your name?
Peter: Hey, wait a minute! That's my wife you're talkin' to. What do you mean comin' in here? What do you want anyway?
Detective: We're lookin' for somebody.
Peter: Yeah. Well, look your head off and don't come bustin' in here. This isn't the public park...
Ellie: Now, don't get so excited Peter. The man just asked you a simple question.
Peter: Ohh. Is that so? Say, how many times have I told you to stop buttin' in when I'm having an argument?
Ellie: Well, you don't have to lose your temper.
Peter: [mocking her] 'You don't have to lose your temper.' That's what you said the other time too, every time I try to protect ya. The other night at the Elks Dance when that big Swede made a pass at ya.
Ellie: He didn't make a pass at me. I told you a million times.
Peter: Oh no. I saw him. Kept pawin' you all over the dance floor.
Ellie: He didn't. You were drunk.
Peter: Aw nuts. You're just like your old man. Once a plumber's daughter, always a plumber's daughter. There's not an ounce of brains in your whole family.
Ellie: Oh Peter Warne, you've gone far enough. I won't sit here and...
Peter: Aw, shut up!...Quit bawlin'! Quit bawlin'!
Detective: [leaving] I told you they were a perfectly nice married couple.
Peter: Hey you know, you weren't bad jumping in like that. You've got a brain, haven't you!
Ellie: Well, you're not so bad yourself.
Peter: You know, we could start a two-people stock company. If things get tough, we'll play the small-town auditoriums...
Ellie: What about Cinderella or a real hot love story?
Peter: Oh no, no, no. That's too mushy.
Ellie: Oh I like mushy stuff.
[Peter puts Ellie over his shoulder so he can carry her across a creek]
Ellie: You know this is the first time in years I've ridden piggy-back.
Peter: This isn't piggy-back.
Ellie: Course it is.
Peter: You're crazy.
Ellie: I remember distinctly my father taking me for a piggy-back ride.
Peter: And he carried you like this I suppose.
Peter: Your father didn't know beans about piggy-back riding.
Ellie: My uncle, mother's brother, has four children and I've seen them ride piggy-back.
Peter: I'll bet there isn't a good piggy-back rider in your whole family. I never knew a rich man yet who could piggy-back ride.
Ellie: You're prejudiced.
Peter: You show me a good piggy-backer and I'll show you a real human. Now you take Abraham Lincoln for instance. A natural born piggy-backer. Where do you get all of that stuffed-shirts family of yours?
Ellie: My father was a great piggy-backer.
[He slaps her behind for that remark]
Ellie: I'm hungry and - scared.
Peter: You can't be hungry and scared both at the same time.
Ellie: Well, I am.
Peter: If you're scared, it scares the hunger out of ya.
Ellie: Not if you're more hungry than scared.
Peter: All right, you win. Let's forget about it.
Ellie: I can't forget it. I'm still hungry.
Peter: Holy Smoke! Why did I ever get mixed up with you? If I had any sense, I'd be in New York by this time.
Ellie: What about your story?
Peter: Taking a married woman back to her husband. Hmm, mmm. I turned out to be the prize sucker. All right, come on. Your bed's all ready.
Ellie: I'll get my clothes all wrinkled.
Peter: Then take 'em off.
Peter: All right, don't take 'em off. Do whatever you please, but shut up about it. [He walks off]
Ellie: You're becoming awful disagreeable lately. You just snap my head off every time I open my mouth. If being with me is so distasteful to you, you can leave. You can leave anytime you see fit. Nobody's holding you here. I can get along.
[Noticing he is gone, she screams out his name, then hugs him when he returns. He kisses her and gives her his coat]
Ellie: What are you thinking about?
Peter: By a strange coincidence, I was thinking of you.
Peter: Yeah. I was just wondering what makes dames like you so dizzy.
Ellie: What do you say we're supposed to be doing?
Ellie: Oh. Well, you've given me a very good example of the hiking. Where does the hitching come in?
Peter: A little early yet. No cars out.
Ellie: If it's just the same to you, I'm going to sit right here and wait til they come.
Ellie: [on Peter's hitchiking skills] There's no end to your accomplishments, is there?
Peter: It's all in that ol' thumb, see?...that ol' thumb never fails. It's all a matter of how you do it, though. Now, you take number one, for instance. That's a short, jerky movement like this - that shows independence, you don't care whether they stop or not. You've got money in your pocket, see...
Peter: But number two, that's a little wider movement - a smile goes with this one, like this, that means you've got a brand new story about the farmer's daughter...
Ellie: Hmm, mmm. You figured that out all by yourself!
Peter: Number three, that's the pits. Yeah, that's a pitiful one you know. When you're broke and hungry and everything looks black. It's a long sweeping movement like this, but you've got to follow through though...
Ellie: Oh, that's amazing.
Peter: It's no good though, if you haven't got a long face to go with it. Keep your eye on that thumb, baby, and see what happens. [a car drives by without stopping]
Ellie: I still got my eye on the thumb.
Peter: Something must have gone wrong. I'll try method number two.
Ellie: When you get to 100, wake me up.
Peter: [after failing to get over a dozen cars to stop] I don't think I'll write that book after all.
Ellie: Let me try.
Peter: You? Don't make me laugh.
Ellie: Oh, you're such a smart alec. Nobody knows anything but you. I'll stop a car and I won't use my thumb.
Peter: What're you going to do?
Ellie: It's a system all my own.
[She pulls her skirt above her knee and the next car screeches to a halt]
Ellie: Aren't you going to give me a little credit?
Peter: What for?
Ellie: Well, I proved once and for all that the limb is mightier than the thumb.
Peter: Why didn't you take off all your clothes? You could have stopped forty cars.
Ellie: Oh, I'll remember that when we need forty cars.
Peter: Well, we're on the last lap. Tomorrow morning, you'll be in the arms of your husband.
Ellie: Yeah. You'll have a great story won't you?
Peter: Well, you certainly outsmarted your father. I guess you ought to be happy.
Ellie: Am I going to see you in New York?
Ellie: Why not?
Peter: I don't make it a policy to run around with married women.
Ellie: No harm in your coming to see it.
Peter: Not interested.
Ellie: Will I ever see you again?
Peter: What do you want to see me for? I've served my purpose. I brought you back to King Westley didn't I? That's what you wanted, wasn't it?
Ellie: Have you ever been in love, Peter?
Ellie: Yeah. Haven't you ever thought about it at all? Seems to me you, you could make some girl wonderfully happy.
Peter: Sure I've thought about it. Who hasn't? I never meet the right sort of girl. Aw, where you gonna find her? Somebody that's real. Somebody that's alive. They don't come that way anymore. I never thought about it. I've even been suckered enough to make plans. I saw an island in the Pacific once. I've never been able to forget it. That's where I'd like to take her. She'd have to be the sort of a girl who'd jump in the surf with me and love it as much as I did. Nights when you and the moon and the water all become one. You feel you're part of something big and marvelous. That's the only place to live. The stars are so close over your head you feel you could reach up and stir them around. Certainly, I've been thinking about it. Boy, if I could ever find a girl who was hungry for those things...
[Ellie comes around the blanket to his bed]
Ellie: Take me with you, Peter. Take me to your island. I want to do all those things you talked about.
Peter: You'd better go back to your bed.
Ellie: I love you. Nothing else matters. We can run away. Everything will take care of itself. Please Peter, I can't let you out of my life now. I couldn't live without you. [She cries in his arms]
Peter: You'd better go back to your bed.
Ellie: Sorry. [Returning to her own bed, she cries herself to sleep on her pillow]
Peter: Hey, brat. Did you mean that? Would you really go? [He looks over the blanket and sees she is asleep]
Peter: Supposin' I was to tell you that Ellen Andrews was going to have her marriage annulled...She's going to marry somebody else...Would a story like that would be worth a thousand bucks to you...I got it, Joe.
Joe: Who's the guy she's gonna marry?
Peter: I am, Joe. I met her on a bus coming from Miami. I've been with her every minute. I'm in love with her, Joe...You gotta get me this money now. Quick. Minutes count. She's waiting for me in an autocamp, just outside Philadelphia. I gotta get right back. You see, she doesn't even know I'm gone. You know, a guy can't propose to a gal without a cent in the world, can he?
Mr. Andrews: Now don't tell me you've fallen in love with a bus driver...Who is he?
Ellie: I don't know very much about him. Just that I love him.
Mr. Andrews: Well, if it's as serious as all that, we'll move heaven and earth to...
Ellie: No, it's no use. He despises me.
Mr. Andrews: Oh, come now.
Ellie: Yes he does. He despises everything about me. He says that I'm spoiled and selfish and pampered, and-and thoroughly insincere.
Mr. Andrews: Oh, ridiculous.
Ellie: He doesn't think so much of you either...He blames you for everything that's wrong with me. He says you raised me stupidly.
Mr. Andrews: Now that's a fine man to fall in love with.
Ellie: Oh, he's marvelous! I practically threw myself at him. I don't want to stir up any more trouble. I've done it all my life. I've made your life miserable and mine too. I'm tired Father. I'm tired of running around in circles...I've got to settle down. It doesn't matter how or where or with whom.
Mr. Andrews: Mr. Warne?
Mr. Andrews: Please sit down.
Mr. Andrews: I was surprised to get your note. My daughter hadn't told me anything about you, about your helping her.
Peter: That's typical of your daughter. Take those things for granted. Why did you think I lugged her all the way from Miami - for the love of it?
Mr. Andrews: She thinks you're entitled to anything you can get.
Peter: Oh she does, eh? Now isn't that sweet of her. You don't, I suppose.
Mr. Andrews: I don't know. I'll have to see on what you base your claim. I presume you feel justified -
Peter: If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. [He pulls a list from his pocket] I've got it all itemized.
Mr. Andrews: [Reading the list] 'Cash outlay, $8.60; topcoat, $15; suitcase, $7.50; hat, $4; three shirts, $4.50. Total, $39.60. All the above items had to be sold to buy gasoline.'
Peter: And I sold some shorts and socks too. I'm throwing those in.
Mr. Andrews: Yes, I know -
Peter: What's the matter? Isn't it cheap enough? A trip like that would cost you a thousand dollars. Maybe more!
Mr. Andrews: Now let me get this straight. You want $39.60 in addition to the $10,000?
Peter: What $10,000?
Mr. Andrews: The reward.
Peter: Who said anything about a reward?
Mr. Andrews: I'm afraid I'm a little bit confused. I assumed that you -
Peter: Look, look, look, all I want is $39.60. And if you give me a check for it, I'll get outta this joint. It gives me the jitters.
Mr. Andrews: You're a peculiar chap.
Peter: Yeah, we'll go into that some other time.
Mr. Andrews: The average man would go after the reward. All you seem to -
Peter: Listen, did anybody ever make a sucker out of you? This is a matter of principle. Something you probably wouldn't understand. But when anybody takes me for a buggy ride, I don't like the idea of having to pay for the privilege.
Mr. Andrews: Were you taken for a buggy ride?
Peter: Yes. With all the trimming. So how about the check? Do I get it?
Mr. Andrews: Certainly.
Mr. Andrews: [Smiling, he writes a check] Here you are.
Peter: Thank you.
Mr. Andrews: Oh, ah, do you mind if I ask you a question frankly? Do you love my daughter?
Peter: Any guy that'd fall in love with your daughter ought to have his head examined.
Mr. Andrews: That's an evasion.
Peter: She picked herself a perfect running mate: King Westley! The pill of the century! What she needs is a guy that'd take a sock at her once a day - whether it is coming to her or not. If you had half the brains you're supposed to have, you'd have done it yourself long ago.
Mr. Andrews: Do you love her?
Peter: A normal human being couldn't live under the same roof with her without going nutty. She's my idea of nothing!
Mr. Andrews: I asked you a simple question! Do you love her?
Peter: [As he departs and slams the office door] Yes! But don't hold that against me. I'm a little screwy myself.
Ellie: Well, here's to the merry go round.
Peter: Perfect. Now you look natural.
Ellie: I hope you got your money.
Peter: You bet I did.
Peter: Thanks, same to you.
Ellie: Stay around and watch the fun. You'll enjoy it immensely.
Peter: I would, but I've got a weak stomach.
Peter: [in a telegram] What's holding up the annulment, you slowpoke? The walls of Jericho are a-toppling.
Mr. Andrews: Send them a telegram right away. Just say, 'Let 'em topple.'
Zeke's Wife: Funny couple, ain't they?
Zeke's Wife: If you ask me, I don't believe they're married.
Zeke: They're married all right. I just seen the license.
Zeke's Wife: They made me get them a rope and a blanket on a night like this. What do you reckon that's for?
Zeke: Blamed if I know. I just brung 'em a trumpet.
Zeke's Wife: A trumpet?
Zeke: Yeah, one of them toy things. They sent me to the store to get it.
Zeke's Wife: But what in the world do they want a trumpet for?
[The trumpet sounds, and the blanket falls to the floor]