Invader Zim

animated television series

Invader Zim is an American animated television series created by comic book writer/artist Jhonen Vasquez and aired on Nickelodeon. The show features the exploits of a extraterrestrial named Zim from the planet Irk and his ongoing mission to conquer or destroy a dark and satirical version of the Earth. His various attempts to subjugate and destroy the human race are invariably undetermined by some combination of his own ineptitude, his malfunctioning robot servant GIR and his nemesis Dib, one of very few humans not oblivious enough to be unaware of Zim’s identity.


Melvin: And in outer space, I'm gonna collect rocks from Mars, and float in the space shuttle, and I'll make friends with the space monkey!

Dib: Look at him, Gaz! He doesn't like the cafeteria food.
[They look at Zim sniffing the food and groans]
Gaz: I don't like it either. [mimicking while waving her hands behind her head] I must be an alien too, huh, Dib?
Dib: [walks up to Zim] What's the matter? Scared of beans, space boy?
Zim: Nonsense! I love beans. I love them…
Dib: [hands Zim a spoon] Oh, just one more then? What are you scared of?
Zim: Scared? Ridiculous. Witness my bean-chewing! [takes a spoonful of beans and reluctantly eats them, as Dib watches on with much anticipation] That's good eat- [retchs and convulses, ultimately falling to the ground] Yummy.
Dib: [looks over table and sees Zim on the floor breathing hard, his head engorged with glowing fluid and pulsing] Look everyone! His head! That is so not normal! I was right all along, he is an alien! He’s Not Just A Alien, A BIIIG Brain! You never believed me, but now, I have proof! [Points to trail of glowing green goo leading out the door]
Zita: You're crazy!

Dib: [on monitor] There, in front of everyone, I'll launch some food into Zim's filthy mouth and the whole school will see what Zim really is.
Zim: [laughs] The human has lost the element of surprise thanks to the ingenious listening device I placed on him.

Dib: You picked the wrong planet to land on, Zim!
Zim: Wait a minute! What planet is this?
Dib: Earth.
Zim: Nope, this is the right planet.

Season 1


The Nightmare Begins [1.1]

Announcer: [first lines] Welcome, brave Irken soldiers. Welcome to Conventia, the convention hall planet. Please, proceed to the docking ring and take the complimentary teleporters to the planet's surface!

GIR: GIR, reporting for duty.
Zim: "GIR"? What does the G stand for?
GIR: [confused] I don't know! [pauses, then Tries To Kill Himself]
Zim: Ummm, is it supposed to be stupid?
Tallest Purple: It's not stupid; [sarcastically] it's advanced!

Dib: And what about his horrible green head?!
Zim: Insolent fool boy! It's a... skin condition.
Dib: And he's got no ears! Is that part of your "skin condition," Zim? No ears?!
Zim: [looking sad] Yes.

[Zim lands on the windshield of an ice cream truck]
Ice cream truck speaker: You like ice cream... you like ice cream. You love it. You cannot resist ice cream. To resist is hopeless. Your existence is meaningless without ice cream.

[Irken audience starts cheering]
Tallest Red: See? Told you they'd love the lasers.
Tallest Purple: Everything is lasers with you. I'm telling you, smoke machines are what the people... [gets hit in the eye with a laser, and yells in pain]

Tallest Red: Welcome mighty Irken soldiers! You are the finest examples of military training the Irken army has to offer! Good for you. Standing behind us, however, are the soldiers we've chosen for roles in one of the most crucial parts in Operation Impending Doom II! [mockingly] You in the audience just get to sit and watch.
Tallest Purple: You should have tried harder!
Tallest Red: These superior ones…
Tallest Purple: [points at themselves] Not as superior as us, of course…
Tallest Red: Pft, duh. These less superior than us but still quite superior soldiers will each be assigned to an enemy planet!
Tallest Purple: There, you will blend in with the hidious native inhabitants.
Tallest Red: All the while gathering crucial information, assessing the planet's weaknesses, making it vulnerable to our big... spaceship... gang...
Tallest Purple: The armada. Now! LET THE ASSIGNING BEGIN!
Irken in crowd: WHOOO!
Tallest Purple: Step forward, Invader Larb.
Tallest Red: Ahh, you seem to have grown since last you stood before us, soldier.
Tallest Purple: You've been assigned to the planet Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat people.
[A hologram appears behind the which shows Larb being attacked by rat people]
Larb: [beginning to Notice] Why would you draw that?
Tallest Red: However, because of your increased height, we've decided to give you the planet Vort, home of the universe's most comfortable couch.
[The hologram changes to one of Larb relaxing on an oversized sofa]
Larb: Yes!
Tallest Purple: Next… Invader Spleen!

Tallest Purple: And last… Invader Skoodge!
Tallest Red: [looks at him] Oh now that's just sad.
Tallest Purple: Could you get any shorter?
Tallest Red: [talking quickly] You'll be assigned to Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat people, thank you.
[Hologram shows the rat people attacking Skoodge as he starts Understanding)

Zim: Sorry, I'm late, my tallest. I couldn't find my invitation. You're lucky I made it at all.
Tallest Red: You weren't invited at all.
Tallest Purple: Weren't you banished to FoodCourtia? Shouldn't you be... frying something?
Zim: Oh, I quit when I found out about this.
Tallest Purple: You quit being banished!?!?!?
Tallest Red: The assigning is over, Zim.
Zim: But you can't have an invasion without me! I was in Operation Impending Doom 1! Don't you remember?
Tallest Purple: Oh yes. We remember…
Zim: [in giant robot destroying a city] AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Pilot: But sir, we're still on our own planet!
Zim: Silence! Twist those knobs! Twist those knobs! You! Pull some levers! Pull some levers! [resumes his maniacal laughter as his rampage continues]
[end of flashback]
Zim: I put the fires out.
Tallest Red: You made them worse!
Zim: Worse… or better?

Parent-Teacher Night [1.2a]

Ms. Bitters: Don't forget that tonight is Parent-Teacher Night. Everyone is required to bring their parents to the cafeteria.
Zim: I never agreed to attend this Parent-Teacher Night!
Ms. Bitters: Yes, you did.
Zim: No! You lie! [makes wild scratching motions with his arms] YOU LIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
[Ms. Bitters puts a disc into a computer. The chalkboard slides down revealing a screen showing Zim]
Ms. Bitters: [on video] Zim, are you going to bring your parents to Parent-Teacher Night?
Zim: [on video, not paying attention] Yeah, sure, whatever.
[Zim looks up at a ceiling-mounted video camera]
Zim: Why would you tape that?

Mr. Elliot: It's nice to meet you, Professor. I'm Mr. Elliot, huh? Your daughter Gaz's teacher?
[Gaz groans in annoyance]
Membrane: [transmitting from his lab on a floating monitor] I'm sorry, but I'm very busy right now. We're testing some highly unstable- [gasps, alerts going off] NO! YOU HAVE THE MIXTURE ALL WRONG!
[A large explosion occurs across town, people turn to stare at the screen as it plays elevator music with a "Please Stand By" appearing]

Walk of Doom [1.2b]

Zim: Our HOUSE, GIR! Which direction is our house?
GIR: GIR: Um, that way. [GIR points behind them. He looks around.] GIR: No, wait, um, it's over there. [GIR points to another random direction.]
Zim: How could you not know?! I just upgraded your guidance system!
GIR: Oh. I left that at home.
Zim: You left what at home?
GIR: The guidy chippy thingy.
Zim: You! Why would you do that?!?
GIR: To make room for the cupcake!

Zim: [to cab driver] You think I wont be ready, but you're wrong, presumptuous cab beast! I have prepared myself for this moment and it has paid off in full! You see, the Invaders learn from their mistakes, however rare they may be! Now human, take me to [thinks for a moment then points in a random direction] that way, and quickly! In case you haven't noticed, I've been trying to go home!

Bestest Friend [1.3a]

[The phone rings, Zim answers it]
Zim: Hello?
Keef: Hey ya buddy!
Zim: Keef? I told you, I do not require your-
Keef: I understand, Zim. I was just thinking that maybe we could-
[Phone beeps]
Zim: Hang on, I've got another call. [pushes button on the phone] Hello?
Keef: Hey ya buddy! You're gonna love the circus!
[Zim stares at the phone and rips it out of the wall]

Zim: What are you doing, GIR?
GIR: Nothing...
Zim: Nothing... or something?
GIR: Oh, I can't take it, you're too smart for me. Keef is planning a s'prise party for you after skool. He gonna bring all the kids because he loves you! [Laughing] That boy loves you so much! [stops Laughing] I'm makin' the cake!
Zim: He's bringing all the children to our secret lair? Do you realize what this means?
GIR: Yes! Wait a
Zim: It means the mission is in jeopardy!
GIR: Aw man! [hums happily]

NanoZim [1.3b]

Zim: I'm not in your TV. I'm transmitting from…inside your body! Spooky, yes? At this very moment I'm inside a microscopic submersible somewhere in your disgusting belly attached to your arm control nerve!
Dib: Arm control nerve?
Zim: Yes. Arm control nerve.
Dib: In my...belly?
Zim: Yes.
Dib: Humans don't have arm control nerves!
Zim: Do not question me! I control your arms!

Zim: Now let's see where you are keeping the location of the disk, Dib!
[Zim scans Dib's brain. A target appears on his console]
Zim: There!
[Zim fires a laser at the point indicated on the console]
Dib: He's in my head! Knowledge losing... brain... poop. I can't remember where the file is! Gaz, he did it! He made me forget!
Gaz: Quiet, Dib!
Zim: And now to unleash stupidity on your entire brain!

Germs [1.4a]

GIR: I'm gonna roll around on the floor for a little bit, 'kay?
[GIR proceeds to roll around, spreading germs all over the spotless base]
Zim: GIR, what are you doing? Stop immediately! You're disgusting!
GIR: ...Awww, somebody needs a hug!
Zim: Nononono, no, GIR, no! [attempts to spray GIR]
GIR: I'm gonna hug you!

[Zim is talking with the Tallest via a large monitor]
Zim: Sirs! I apologize for not reporting in, but— excuse me.
[Zim sprays some germs offscreen]
Zim: ...all is going well, nothing too big to report, aside to the usual- oh, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT ONE!
[Zim sprays again and empties it]
Zim: No. No! The disinfectant, it's almost gone! All hope is lost if I don't find more! Never! I won't give up! I'll destroy you! And you! And you! And yoooouuu!
[Zim cuts the transmission]
Tallest Purple: Did that scare you too?
[Tallest Red nods]

Dark Harvest [1.4b]

Ms. Bitters: Zim!
Zim: [saluting] Sir!
Ms. Bitters: There's a pigeon on your head. You've got head pigeons. Get to the nurse before they spread to the other children!
Zim: Yes, Ms. Bitters.
[Zim walks towards the door]
Ms. Bitters: No leaving class without a hall pass, Zim.
Zim: Of course...
[Zim walks to Ms. Bitters' desk. She puts a collar around his head. It shrinks around his neck]
Ms. Bitters: If you leave skool grounds, it will explode.

Dib: That's it, Zim! This has to stop!
Zim: I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.
Dib: Look at you! You've gone too far! You're a hideous blob of stolen organs!
Zim: I've been working out...
[Zim vomits an intestine, then sucks it back into his mouth and smiles]
Dib: You think you can fool a trained medical professional?
Zim: Yes.
Dib: I suppose you've got a heart in there?
Zim: Six of them.
Dib: Intestines?
Zim: Large or small?
Dib: Spleen?
Zim: In three different colors.
Dib: What about lungs?
Zim: [pauses for a second, then uses his robotic spider legs to lift himself into the ceiling to go find lungs]
Dib: You won't find lungs on my watch Zim!

Dib: I'm looking for the pigeon-head kid.
Secretary: [shakes the can again, another "moo" sound] Nobody's come in with head pigeons, young man.
Dib: Zim? The green kid...
Secretary: Oh, the green child! [points to Hall Monitor, who is sitting in a chair across the room.] He's right over there doubled over in pain.
[Hall Monitor holds his stomach, pale green and shivering violently.]:
Hall Monitor: The cooing... [shivers and makes a gagging sound] The cooing!
Secretary: He's missing his liver. That's how some kids react to the cafeteria food... The lucky ones...

Attack of the Saucer Morons [1.5a]

Zim: Ruined. Ruined! Irken engineering reduced to... this! Surely that was no human bee! Once I take care of the humans, I will begin my war against... the bees!

Government Man: [in robotic voice] I am Government Man, come from the government. The government has sent me. [zooms inside to see GIR piloting the robot] [walks over to Zim] Ohohoho. He is not an alien lifeform. He is an experimental government aircraft!

The Wettening [1.5b]

Gaz: That was your fate of the world work? Jumping in a puddle?! You do realize I have to destroy you now.
Dib: It was worth it. Score 1 for the human race, score NOTHING for the Zim... thingy... race.
Gaz: I will destroy you.

Dib: I swear, sometimes I amaze myself at how amazingly I–

[Zim jumps out from behind a wall and scares Dib, and Dib falls backwards into a puddle.]

Zim: ...How amazingly you fall into a puddle? I agree!

Career Day [1.6a]

Ms. Bitters: Zim, the machine says that the only career you are suitable for is-
Zim: Yes, yes! Lord of humans! I will rule you all with an iron fist!
Ms. Bitters: No, Zim. The machine has assigned you a career in fast food preparation.
Zim: Then I will prepare food with my iron fist! Then I will work my way up to ruling you all with my fist! [to Melvin] You! [shakes fist in Melvin's face] Obey the fist!

Dib: A crop circle?
Bill: Beautiful, isn't it? It's a message from creatures much more intelligent than us! Space beings who have traveled millions of light years to say something, but what does it mean?
Dib: I think this one's a fake.
Bill: You're one of those skeptics, aren't you? Always questioning, always picking away at my theories! One day you'll see that–
[Dib points to cow rolling around, making the crop circle]
Dib: Now can we go to McMeaties please? It's 4:45, if we hurry, we can make it!
Bill: Hmmm...the aliens must be controlling the cow...
Dib: That is not a supernatural cow! This is ridiculous! You believe in all the stupidest things when real proof is right under your nose!

Battle-Dib [1.6b]

Dib: How am I supposed to know what Dad's first sentient thought was?
Gaz: It was "I will poop now." It's all here in his autobiography.
[A random fangirl wearing a Prof. Membrane bust hat appears and cuts them off.]
Fangirl #1: That's not it! It's–
[Fangirl is interrupted as Gaz pushes her away.]

[A girl turns in her audience admission exam to a robot]
Exam Robot: 94%. Your score is...unacceptable!
[The girl screams as her desk races backwards to a door which slams shut after she goes into it. Dib turns in his exam]
Exam Robot: 94.1%. Your score is...acceptable! Congratulations!
[The robot plays a tiny fanfare and shoots confetti]
Dib: Okay, that was annoying. But at least it was easy.

Planet Jackers [1.7a]

Zim: GIR! Come to the observatory!
GIR: Yes?
Zim: What have you done to the telescope?
GIR: Nothin'.
Zim: You haven't touched it? Something is broken and it's not your fault?
GIR: I know...I'm scared too...

Zim: What do you think you're doing?
Nik: Well, you see that planet back there?
[Zim looks at the Earth, which is being towed behind them]
Zim: Yes.
Nik: We're going to throw it into our sun. Why? You got a problem with that?
Oog-ah: That one's gonna burn real good. Lots of critters. Critters burn good.

Rise of the Zitboy [1.7b]

Zim: Nothing breaches my defenses, nothing! You hear me, squirrel-boy? Nothing! [A Bloaty's Pizza delivery guy comes to the door and GIR answers] Hey! Hey!
Bloaty's Pizza Guy: Here's the pizza you or-dered!
GIR: Thank you.... [starts Smiling ] I-I love you!
Zim: GIR! We fend humans away from our home, not invite them over!
GIR: [leaves] I had a coupon!

GIR: I made it myself!

Dib: [hypnotized] I will tell Pustulio everything...[snaps out of it] Nyahh! No! Must... keep... control! [gets hypnotized again] Pustulio is my friend... [snaps out of it again] It's a pimple! Nothing more than a-! Nyahh! I... I... [gets hypnotized yet again] I... love Pustulio...
Zim: And Pustulio loves you, too. Release him, Smacky. He is part of the collective now.
[Smacky lets go of Dib]
Zim: Now. Tell me... tell me the flaw in my house's defenses.
Dib: [struggles internally] But... I can't... must infiltrate!
Zim: It would make Pustulio happy to know this thing. Don't you WANT-[pushes Pustulio around to increase hypnotic power]-to make Pustulio happy?
Dib: Yes... no!
Zim: [raises eyebrow] If you tell me, I'll let you hold Pustulio's little hand. [holds up one of Pustulio's hands for Dib to see]
Dib: [talking against will] The weakness... is simple... a blind spot... [cringes] in your gnome field. Nothing to stop me from simply tunneling under house... [cringes again] and attach a spy monitoring system.
[a pause, then Zim begins laughing maniacally]
Zim: Success!

Invasion of the Idiot Dog Brain [1.8a]

Zim: I don't think you understand how serious this is! Tacos are not worth ruining the mission. I am your master, and you will obey me! Obey me! [Zim kneels on the ground as if he was begging] ...Pleeeeeaaassse?
GIR: Maybe you're right... we can get a giant burrito too!

[GIR orders food from the Krazy Taco drive-thru with Zim screaming in the background]
Krazy Taco Worker: So that's two large tacos, burrito, and a medium "GIR take us back to the base right now." Do you want a drink with that?
Gir: [to Krazy Taco Worker] What kinda drinks you got?
Krazy Taco Worker: We got New Poop, Classic Poop, Diet Poop, Cherry Poop, and Salty Lemonade.
Gir: Gimme a large Classic Poop!

Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy [1.8b]

Zim: Behold! A hunter destroyer-
GIR: What is it?
Zim: A hunter destroy-
GIR: What is it?!?
Zim: ...A hunter destroyer machine.

GIR: Wait... if you destroyed Dib in the past, then he won't ever be your enemy, then you won't have to send a robot back to destroy him and then he will be your enemy, so then you will have to send a robot back...
[GIR's head explodes]

[The hunter destroyer machine goes into the portal, but is immediately shot back out. Cue the reason:]
Computer: Object not compatible with temporal field.
Zim: "Not compatible"?! Is this thing just completely useless?! "Not compatible"!
[Zim grabs GIR's rubber piggy and chucks it. It bounces off of the overturned Hunter-Destroyer machine and - much to Zim's surprise - goes into the time portal. The rest is altered history...]
Computer: Object accepted! Temporal displacement in process!
Zim: Huh?

Dib: I know you're behind the piggies, Zim! I don't know how, but I know that it's you! Rubber piggies have ruined my life, and it's all been you!

Zim: That last piggy should have reduced him to nothing! What happened?!?! Where did history go wrong?!?!



Zim: [while throwing multiple pigs into the time machine] There must be some way of stopping him, some point in time where he's still vulnerable to the piggy!


Zim: Only one left! NOOOOOO!
GIR: Yay, We're Doomed!

[Dib raises the fist of the Mega Boy 3000. Zim tosses the piggy into the time portal. Dib throws his fist towards Zim.]
Dib: [Deep Voice] ENJOY YOUR LAST MOMENT- [Suddenly, with a flash, Dib is back to normal. He stands outside of Zim's front door holding a camera.] [Normal Voice] -of privacy! Soon the world will seek-- wait a minute. Have I always been like this? Yes, I have, haven't I? My whole life! Good old Dib-like Dib! [Two of the lawn gnomes turn around to face Dib then they slide towards him with their arms outstretched.] Wuh-hey! Hey, wait a minute! Hey! [The lawn gnomes drag him off screen and then the sound of them punching Dib as he shouts can be heard.]

A Room With a Moose [1.9a]

[Dib raises his hand]
Ms. Bitters: Yes, Dib?
Dib: Ms. Bitters, Zim's trip to the bathroom has taken a really long time.
Ms. Bitters: I seem to remember you taking an awful long time to go to the bathroom as well, Dib.
Dib: [pathetically] But that was "Corn and Mayonnaise" day!
Ms. Bitters: [harshly] Oh, that's no excuse!

Zim: But I chose this particular worm hole especially for the occasion. You see, at the end of this wormhole lies: A ROOM with a MOOSE!
Dib: AAAAAHHHH- Wait a minute! Did you say, a room with a moose?
Zim: Yes. Your fear is overwhelming, no?
Dib: What's so scary about a room with a stupid moose? I mean, yeah, that's a big moose, but really-
Dib: Nuh-uh!
[Zim launches walnuts into wormhole]
Dib: Are those walnuts?
Zim: Yes.
GIR: My walnuts!

Hamstergeddon [1.9b]

[The class has gathered around the new classroom pet, a hamster named Peepi, which is running around in its hamster-wheel]
Ms. Bitters: Take a good look children. It will prepare you for your adult lives in our nightmarish corporate system.

[Facing off against Peepi in his Zoot Cruiser]
Zim: You made me do this, Peepi! I hate to be the bad guy, but you must be disciplined! Or you'll never learn!

Plague of Babies [1.10a]

Zim: I am the neighborhood baby inspector. I have come to inspect the baby.
Mother: Oh, goodness! Inspect him for what?
Zim: Your resistance will be noted!

[Zim is being held captive by aliens who look like earth babies]
Zim: Noogums! I should have known.
Shnooky: Don't call me by that name! It is demeaning to the proud and fierce race of the Nar-Gh'ok to be dubbed "Noogums."
Zim: What should I call you then?!?
Shnooky: Shnooky! Gh'ok Space Sergeant Shnooky!
Zim: I knew it! Earth babies come from space!

Bloaty's Pizza Hog [1.10b]

Dib: Don't you care that Zim is trying to destroy all mankind? Huh?
Gaz: But he's so bad at it.

GIR: Shhh! I'm guarding the house!
Gaz: Where's Dib?
GIR: [turning to duty mode and producing weapons from his head. He holds up a hand] None may pass! You are an intruder!
Gaz: [angrily] Where is Dib?
GIR: [retracts weapons] Way down there!

Bolognius Maximus [1.11a]

Mrs. Bitters: The school has lost its funding for textbooks. In their place, you'll get wildlife survival manuals. Today, you will all be quizzed on how to skin a moose. [Starts sniffing the air. Ms. Bitters gets onto her desk. She then walks through the classroom, sniffing the air and grunting]
The Letter M: Ms. Bitters, I think there's a skinned moose somewhere in the class! [falls out of his desk, smoke rising from his body.]
Mrs. Bitters: Dib? [slithers over to Dib] You stink! Go to the bathroom and roll around in the toilet until you smell better!
Dib: But I'll smell like the toilet.
Mrs. Bitters: Exactly.
Dib: But, Willy was the last one to use it. [he points to Willy and distorted music plays]
Mrs. Bitters: Now! [Dib obeys]
Zim: Oh, yeah. Dib? Uh, my vengance is now complete.

[Dib is in the bathroom washing his hands and then licks his arm]
Dib: Nope. Still delicious. No one should be this delicious! What's going on?! [sticks his arms in his coat pocket and feels a pained poke] AAH! [the tack falls off from his coat; picks it up and examines it, revealing it to be an alien device] Zim! [sets up his computer in one of the stalls, hooks up a device to the laptop and sticks the tack into it, then presses a button on top of the device] Computer, analyze. Run a chemical check. Is there any unusual foreign substance on the tack?
Dib's Computer: Analysis done. Unknown substance detected.
Dib: Then my skin sample. Does it contain the same substance?
Dib's Computer: Yes. Substance detected in Dib cells.
Dib: So, a foreign DNA sequence! And Zim got it inside me by making me sit on that tack! Computer, where did this DNA originate from?
Dib's Computer: Analyzing…
Dib: Bologna! Zim has introduced bologna DNA into my body?! Computer, have I absorbed the bologna?
Dib's Computer: No. Subject Dib has been fused with subject Bologna.

Dib: Joke's on you, Zim! Now you have to find a cure for the bologna thing.
Zim: Fool! You think I would share the cure with you?! I'll find a cure and keep it all to myself, and then watch you transform more and more into what you really are deep down in your heart.
Dib: Deep down I'm bologna?
Zim: ...Yes.
Dib: That's just dumb.
Zim: Dumb like a moose, Dib, dumb like a moose!

Zim: [sitting in his lab in front of a monitor screen, showing the bologna DNA reaction growing quicker inside of him] No! The reaction is much quicker inside of me! It's worse than I imagined! Computer, quickly engineer a serum to reverse the effects of the mutagine!
Computer: Command voice not recognized. Intruder present.
Zim: Intruder?! I am Zim! Run a scan to verify that I am Zim!
Computer: Bio scan verification complete. Intruder is Bologna. [screen monitor shows an image of a bologna as Zim stares in horror]

Zim: [holding up a liquid beaker, now bloated and sausage-shaped] Finally! I think we've done it!
Dib: [snatches the beaker from Zim and chugs it down; becomes bloated and sausage-shaped like Zim] Oh, you rotten alien monster!
Zim: This inferior equipment. Irken babies play with more advanced toys.
Dib: Hey, we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for your stupid evil! This is all your fault! [chases after Zim, run-wobbling down the hallway; pushes him into a tube but ends up falling as well and they fall out of the tube, sending outside the house; holding Zim down] Now what, Zim? What's your next plan?
Zim: [looks around, seeing all the dogs surrounding them] Let's run, screaming.

Game Slave 2 [1.11b]

Gaz: That Game Slave is rightfully mine. I'll buy it from you, but there's no way you're keeping it. Not without invoking my wrath anyhow.
Iggins: You know, you need help.

Dib: A Colony of horrible Rat People! Hey, do you know the way outta here?
Rat Man: There is no way out, we all got lost here too! And we've been here ever since!
[Other Rat People Chime in] Ever Since! There's no way out!
Dib: Oh come on, getting lost in a parking garage did not turn you all into horrible Rat People
Rat Woman: I was once, a maaaan!
Dib: But.... You're a woman!
Rat Person: You'll be just like us soon!
Dib: I don't think so, I think I see the Exit over there, see ya!

Gaz: Looking for these? [holds up a plastic bag full of batteries over the toilet]
Iggins: I NEED THOSE! Save point so close.
Gaz: What you need, is to give the Game Slave to me, or I will plunge you into a nightmare world from which there is no waking.
Iggins: But…I'm a better gamer than you.
Gaz: I hope you like nightmare worlds! [drops the bag of batteries into the toilet]

Iggins: [threateningly] You'll never be a better gamer than me! Play all you want! I'LL ALWAYS BE BETTER! ALWAYS!

Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom [1.12]

Zim: Where are we?
Dib: Some kind of alternate universe. It's based on my imagination somehow.
Zim: And you brought me here?!? You sickening, troublesome human!
[Zim activates his robot spider legs and approaches Dib threateningly]
Dib: Hey! The only way out is through my head! Anything happens to me and you're stuck here forever!
[Zim retracts his robot spider legs]
Zim: Curse yoooouuuu! Wait- I can still do stuff to your legs, right?
Dib: I guess, but- wait! No!
Zim: Gah! Curse yoooouuuu!

Dib: You're the only one who can help!
Zim: Help?!? You?!?
Dib: My dad won't let me use his equipment and I need to reverse the effects!
Zim: Help!? You come to me, your greatest, most amazing enemy? Your future slave master and you ask for help!?
Dib: You're the only other person with the technology to-
Zim: Be gone with you! I have had enough of your nonsense from your smelly mouth filled with... CORN!
Dib: I haven't been eating corn.
Zim: LIAR!

[a mystic escape portal is in Dib's own forehead]
Zim: There! That should be wide enough.
Dib: What about me? How do I get back?
Zim: Good question! BUT I DON'T CARE!

Nightmare Whitecoat Buck: Neck blinking boy! [The face on Nightmare Whitecoat Buck's shoulder pad comes alive and takes a bite out of the ice cream. Nightmare white coat Buck punches the face and it makes a high pitched yell. Nightmare white coat Buck takes a bite from the ice cream.] It's time to go!
[Nightmare Whitecoat Buck laughs. The straight-jacket creature runs over to Dib. It wraps itself around him.]
Dib: Where?
[Nightmare Dib steps into the light, revealing that he is also in a straight-jacket and has lobotomy scars.]
Nightmare Dib: Right through your big head!
[The straight-jacket runs back to the worm platform. The cell closes behind them.]
Dib: My head's not big!

Mysterious Mysteries [1.13a]

[Title comes on that says dramatic reinactment]
Zim: I was out playing like any normal Earth larva when he came looking for trouble.
Actor playing Dib: Heyy new kid, give me your lunch moneys!
Actor playing Zim: [with British accent] But I need these monies to buy nutrients.
Actor playing Dib: Give me the moneys or i'll tell everyone you're an alien!
Dib: That's not how it happened!
Host: Restrain him![hear Dib hollering in the background then the reenactment continues]

GIR: Then a giant squirrel showed up.
Zim: GIR!
Host: [to Zim] Let her talk! Can't you see she's upset? [to GIR] Now, don't you mean, Dib showed up?
GIR: No! The squirrel showed up first. Then Dib showed up.
Actor playing Dib: [points to man in squirrel costume] AAGHHHH, what is that?
GIR: And then the squirrel ate Dib's greasy head. [man in squirrel costume proceeds to mutilate Actor Dib's head as the other actors back away terrified] And then the squirrel flew away! [man in squirrel costume gets picked up by cables] After that, he flew back to his home planet to fight all the bad guys. [costume rips and man falls on two actors in alien costumes]
Host: ...What does that have to do with anything?!?
GIR: Me 'n the squirrel are friends.

Future Dib [1.13b]

Torque: [Back in the auditorium][In a somewhat disgruntled tone] Pffft. I didn't know that!
Prof. Membrane: I made the Perpetual Energy Generator, or, as I call her, PEG. Tonight, I activate it. If it works, we never have to worry about power again! If it doesn't, it'll send out a wave of doom that will destroy all life on Earth!
Spectator: What was that last part?

Dib: Wow. I'm boring! Do I always explain everything like this?

Zim: Of course, my scary sister. I obey.
Robot Dib: Of course, my scary sister. I obey.

Door to Door [1.14a]

[In the classroom a student is held in mid air by a harness and is stacking cards in a tower]
Ms. Bitters: Now, add the dead weight of students like you.
[The child adds a huge stack of cards to the tower. It sways dangerously]
Ms. Bitters: So you can see, children, that our whole society is nothing more than a perilous house of cards...
[The tower collapses into a heap]
Ms. Bitters: ...destined to collapse under its own weight!

GIR: [after eating multiple “Poop” brand bars] Yay, I’m gonna be sick! [throws up over Zim’s clothing]

Ms. Bitters: Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all receive phone calls instructing them to love you less now.
School Children: Awww...

Zim: This horrible tragedy can be prevented. If, and only if! You surrender your money to ME! AND BUY MY CANDY!
Flaming Mutant: Pweeesee? For the childwen.

Zim: I am here, Dib worm, and I have sold over 1.2 million revolting candy units! [He drops his fistful of money and walks over to Ms. Bitters, who is holding a package. She hides it behind her back.] I am prepared to receive the power of the mystery prize! GIVE TO ZIM!
Ms. Bitters: Well, this has never happened before. [She prepares to tear open the package.] Zim, your prize is... [She tears open the package. Zim grunts in anticipation and wriggles his fingers. Ms. Bitters examines a piece of paper that was inside the package.] Your prize is nothing. [Zim's eyes widen.] There is no mystery prize! they just made it up to make kids work harder for no money.
Zim: Eh?
Ms. Bitters: As a consolation, here's some tuna. [She pulls a can of tuna out of the package and hands it to Zim. Zim lifts the can of tuna into the air.]
Zim: Curse you, Poop Dawg! CURSE YOU!
[A shockwave of energy shoots from the can of tuna and through the class. It causes Brian, Dib, Sara, Aki, Rob, Melvin, Zita, and Mathew P. Mathers III's desks to tip over. It also causes Chunk to shoot upward into the ceiling and Tae's desk to set on fire. Cut to Poop Dawg in his gangsta specter of defeat robes. He laughs evilly and then coughs.]

FBI Warning of Doom [1.14b]

[GIR laughs. The phone rings. GIR picks up the phone. Video Store Clerk, a Video Outhouse employee, is on the other line.]
Video Store Clerk: Hey man, it's been 4 weeks since you rented Intestines of War.
[Rob pounds his fist on the counter.]
Video Store Clerk: It's 20 days overdue! Hello? Hello!?!
GIR: Who is it?!
[GIR hangs up the phone.]

Zim: This is the hundredth time, GIR. You have to stop watching this thing or- AH, WHAT IS THAT?! [tv displays an FBI warning, the warning reads,

“FBI WARNING WARNING OF DOOM! Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution, exhibition of copyrighted motion pictures in any medium (Title 17, United States Code, Section 501 and 500). The Federal Bureau of investigation investigates allegations of criminal copyright infringement. They will hunt you down like the dirty monkey you are and force you to wear a moose skin and ride a greased piggy while singing folk tunes. They're forcing me to ride the piggy as I write this. The piggy is smelly! Show 11B PRINTED IN USA Zimpact Inc. All Rights Reserved”] A warning!?! Oh no! Oh no! FBI!?! Who is this FBI!?! What are they trying to warn us about!?!

GIR: Shhhhh!
[Zim grunts and howls like a monkey as he runs into the kitchen. The phone rings and GIR answers it.]
Video Store Clerk: Return that movie!
GIR: You got any of them taquitos?

Zim: Computer! Give me all the information you have on the FBI.
Computer: The FBI is a government law enforcement agency.
Zim: Continue.
Computer: Insufficient data.
Zim: Insufficient data! Can't you just make an educated guess?
Computer: Okaaaaaay... uh... founded in 1492 by, uh... demons, the FBI is a crack law enforcement agency designed to... uh, I dunno, fight... aliens?
Zim: I knew it! This is baaaad! This is so baaaad!

Zim: GIR! That movie is some kind of government spying tool! Quickly! Eat it!
[The phone rings.]
Zim: Hello? [with voice a little deep] Hello? [with voice getting deep)] Hello? [with his voice synthetically deeper] Good, Okay. Hello, how I may help you today?
Video Store Clerk: I'm through playin' around! You better return that video or else! This is your final warning!
Zim: I'm sorry, I do not know what you are talking about. I am normal.
Video Store Clerk: If that thing isn't in the drop-off box by the time we open tomorrow, you're gonna paaaaaayyyyy... late fees.
['Late fees' is echoed. Rob hangs up the phone. A small girl is standing at the counter holding a DVD.]
Little Girl: I wanna rent this one! [holds up the DVD and smiles, making a squeaky noise]
Video Store Clerk: Why? So you can keep it for weeks and weeks and not return it!?! What about all the other people who wanna watch it!?! You ever think about them!?! Huh!?! HUH!?!
[The girl starts crying and screams]

Zim: [back to normal voice] That was them! I have to return this thing now!
GIR: No! I'm still watching it! I wanna see what happens! I need it! [GIR knocks his bag of Poop Corn off of the couch and starts crying.] Whu...WHHHHHHHHYYYYYY!?! [Zim takes the DVD of the movie and walks out the door with it. GIR runs around in circles screaming and crying. He stops running and hops in place. He holds his head and screams a long high pitched scream and then falls to the floor, asleep and snoring.]

Battle of the Planets [1.15]

Tallest Red: Welcome planetary conversion team! Welcome to Blorch, the latest addition to the Irken Empire, and most importantly, the first planet to fall victim to our latest effort at universal conquest, Operation Impending Doom II!
Crowd Member: Almighty Tallest rocks!
Tallest Red: Now we erase the remaining organics on Blorch, paving the way for…I dunno, maybe a parking structure planet?
Tallest Purple: Yeah! Parking Structure Planet!

Zim: Truly I am amazing. How could they not cheer the very sight of my progress? Still, I am becoming impatient with my incredibly subtle infiltration of this planet, and am growing ever hungrier to be the destruction of the humans. Destruction is nice!

Zim: Get off my head, GIR.
[GIR crawls off of Zim's head]
Zim: I have a good feeling about this lead, I can almost taste the humans being destroyed, IT'S DELICIOUS! This Mars holds the key, I just know it! New words of praise will have to be invented just so they can p- GET OFF MY HEAD!

Janitor: I believe you. I think I can help you.
Dib: What are you gonna do? Clean me?

Hologram: My people worked themselves into extinction making our planet a working vessel!
Zim: Why would you do that?
Hologram: Because it's cool.
GIR: [nods] Mmm-hmm.

Zim: Mission accomplished, my Tallest! I have rid this solar system of Mars!
Tallest Purple: I thought you were trying to destroy the Earth.
Zim: Oh! Yes. That! You heard wrong! This time I was trying to get rid of Mars. You know, just a little warm up before I destroy the humans! Yeah, see, I'll do Earth next! I'm an unstoppable death machine, you know. [Zim And GIR Laugh Evily While Trying To Squish The Earth]
Dib: That’s It! Fear My Most Powerful Machine Of All Time, The Zimcuter 3000! HIYA! [Dib Destroys Zim’s Mars, Causing Zim & GIR To Flung Back To Earth And Earth Being Restored Back To Normal]: [Zim Plunges Into Ground, Causing Him To Have Stitches And Bruises]
GIR: Ha! Take That Evil Piece Of Doom!

Abducted [1.16a]

Blue-eyed Alien: But enough philosophy.
Zim: But we haven't been talking about-
Blue-eyed Alien: Let the hideous experiments begin!
Zim:I was lying.

Green-eyed Alien: We will begin by fusing you to this other human.
Zim: That's no human, that's a gopher!
Blue-eyed Alien: Silence!

The Sad, Sad Tale of Chickenfoot [1.16b]

Customer: [angrily, with a bowl of coleslaw right in front of him] I want my slaw!
Eric: You have your slaw, sir.
Customer: [angrily] I want my slaw!
Eric: You have your slaw, sir.
Customer: [angrily] I want my slaw!
Eric: You have your slaw, sir.

Reporter 1: You mean Chickenfoot was a fraud all along?
Dib: This just proves that paranormal studies isn't a bunch of crazies believing in anything! We also disprove the frauds!
Reporter 2: I'll bet this means Bigfoot is a fraud too!
Reporter 1: And UFOs!
Reporter 2: And hobos!
Dib: No wait! Those are real! Except the hobos. Wait, no. They're real. I...I guess. But- what's wrong with you people?!?

Megadoomer [1.17a]

Tallest Purple: Malfunctioning SIR units. Hey! These things are dangerous! Someone could be seriously hurt! Send 'em to Zim!
Tallest Red: [mock gasp] But they'll destroy him! [he and Tallest Purple both laugh.]

Zim: And then, THEN, Dib says, "RAR!" in front of the whole class! Filthy slug. Mrs. Bitters called on ME, understand? Filthy squirmy Dib! SQUIRMY!
Kid: What are you talking about? Who are you?
Zim: I can't believe the things that H-H-HUMAN has done to me. ME! [makes angry noises] DIB! [more angry noises]
Kid: Why are you following me? I don't even go to your school!
Zim: And the- OH! He makes me so mad! The horrible puny brain meat child. With his little glasses and his [angry noises] HEAD!
Kid: [runs into house and shuts door]
Zim: My name is Dib with my pointy hair. POINTY HAIR! I eat food and have stuff!

Zim: I've put up with you long enough, Dib! Now fight an enemy you cannot see!
Dib: ...You're right there.
Zim: What? [Zim gasps, then scoots over. Dib points at him again]
Dib: There! Your mighty Irken cloaking device cloaks the robot, but not you.
Zim: LIES! Now behold the doom cannon!
Dib: I can't. It's invisible.
Zim: But you can see me?
Dib: That's what I said.
Zim: Oh, that's STUPID!
Dib: Really stupid.
Zim: You dare agree with me? Prepare to meet your horrible doom!

Dib: What do you mean, "victory?" Your robot exploded and you didn't destroy me!
Zim: It was a trick! Yes! Eh... my plan was to... steal this camera from you! So you couldn't show these pictures! Ha!
[Dib tackles Zim and they roll around in the dirt. Zim breaks out of Dib's grasp still holding the camera.]
Dib: Give it back! Come on!
Zim: [moving the camera back and forth between each of his hands] No. Uh-uh. No way. Uh-uh.
Dib: [snatches the camera from Zim] Victory for Earth!
Zim: You had the lens cap on.
Dib: I did not, I... [discovers that he really did have the lens cap on; frustrated] GAAAAAAGHH!
Zim: VICTORY! VICTORY FOR ZIM! [a part of the Megadoomer falls on top of him]
Dib: [a bird swoops down and steals the camera] Well, I liked that camera, but I guess this is a victory for me. Yeah. Or something. I'm going back to bed.

Lice [1.17b]

Delouser: Level 1 infestation, ma'am.
Countess von Verminstrassor: A level 1... I am Countess von Verminstrassor, the Delouser! For your own good, you will cooperate! You have lice, and until your condition improves, you will be detained here indefinitely!
Dib: You can't really make us stay here...
Countess von Verminstrassor: You dare question me, question my methods!? You, who stands to benefit the most from my work!? You disgust me!
Ms. Bitters: What a nice lady.
Dib: All I said was-
Countess von Verminstrassor: Silence! Let the delousing begin!

Dib: Keep quiet Melvin, and we'll-.
Melvin: [Freaking out] No, no, LICE QUEEN! AHHHH!
Dib: That, wasn't every quiet.
Delouser: What are you doing you here?
Dib: What... are YOU doing out here?!?
Delouser: Using... MIND TRICKS!

Tak: The Hideous New Girl [1.18]

[After Tak finishes explaining her past]
Zim: Yes, yes, so you blame me for your horrible life, blah, blah, blah, BIG DEAL!
Tak: This is about taking your mission, Zim, not revenge!
Zim: You're after revenge?!?
Tak: NOOOOOO! It's not about revenge! It's about taking what's rightfully mine. I should have been an invader! I should have been part of the Great Assigning! I shouldn't HAVE to be stealing THIS planet from YOU!
Tak: NOOOOOOO! Listen to me. Listen...carefully!
Zim: Hmm? Hmm? Hmmmmmm?
Tak: I'm a better invader than you could ever be. I blend in perfectly. The plan I have in store for this nasty rock will so impress the Tallest that they'll have no choice but to make me an invader.
Zim: WHAT IS THIS- [lowers his tone] And what is this plan?
Tak: [laughs softly]
Zim: Yeah, yeah, I'm a master of comedy. Now tell me this plan!
Tak: Part One involves crippling your base, so that you could only watch... AS I RUIN YOUR LIFE!
[Her SIR unit unleashes nanites that consume Zim's base]
Zim: [horrified] MY BEAUTIFUL BASE!
Tak: Part Two is-
Tak: [irritated] Part Two is-
Tak: Part Two is-
Tak: Part-
Tak: Okay, I'm-
Tak: Okay, I'm leaving now.
Zim: [calmly] But you didn't tell me your plan.

Tak: The great thing about your people, Dib, is that most of them don't notice. All they see is another faceless corporate venture, not a plan for world conquest!
Dib: Wait. Is there really a difference?
[Zim busts through the wall with the Voot Runner]
Zim: It's over, Tak! The earth is mine to devastate! And I've already promised the moon to GIR.
Dib: Zim! How did you know we'd be here?
Zim: I placed a tracking device on you!
Dib: Tracking device? Where?
[Dib turns around to reveal GIR clinging to his head]
GIR: Your head smells like a puppy!

Zim: I'm the only one here with the technology to decode the files!
Dib: And we're the only ones here with the files to be decoded!
GIR: And I'M... he he he. I dunno.
Dib: Your base, our disc, Zim.
Zim: As soon as we destroy Tak, I'm gonna feed your brains to my robot!
Dib: Deal!
GIR: Yay! Brains!

GIR Goes Crazy and Stuff [1.19a]

Zim: Once I have tainted the human's meat supply with filth, they will be ripe for conquest. Soon the name of Invader Zim will be synonymous with... DOOKIE! GIR! Bring me cows.
GIR: [in duty mode] Yes sir! [out of duty mode] I like dookie!
Zim: [voiceover] Sometimes I'm afraid to find out what's going on in that insane head of yours...
[From GIR's point of view, the cows on the field turn into hot dogs wearing tuxedos and top-hats]
Weenies: Dance with us, GIR! Dance with us into oblivion!

Dib Hologram: I will make you suffer large, alien!

GIR: [in duty mode] The knowledge, it fills me. It is neat.
Zim: GIR! You've drained enough humans today!
GIR: [in duty mode] Data canister is not yet full!
Zim: I command you to get out of here before we're noticed... some more. [GIR takes away Zim's remote] Hey! Quit it!
GIR: You are no commander! You are a threat to the mission! Your methods are stupid! Your progress has been stupid! Your intelligence is stupid! For the sake of the mission YOU MUST BE TERMINATED!

GIR: [out of duty mode, falls to the floor]HEY FLOOR, MAKE ME A SAMMICH!
Zim: That’s better...! I think.

Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom [1.19b]

Dib: Today, things are gonna change. I'm not gonna let Zim get away with his... his... things he do.
Gaz: [funny voice] Things he do? [normal voice] What's your problem?

[Dib throws a muffin at Zim's head]
Zim: What? WHO?!
Gaz: That... that was horrible.
Zim: [grabs muffin] WHO DID THIS?! Who dares to soil my normal boy head with this... PORK COW?!
Poonchy: That's a stinking muffin!
Zim: SILENCE! Whatever this is, I will find the beast who threw it! I WILL FIND YOU! Sleep peacefully now, for it is the last peaceful sleep you will know from this moment on!
Classmate: But we're not asleep right now!
[Zim stares at the watching classmates before running away, screaming. Dib snickers.]
Gaz: Actually, that was kinda funny.

[Two aliens suddenly fly into Dib's bedroom, wake him up, and transform into shoes]
Dib: What? What's happening?! Who... what are you, and why did you transform into giant shoes?
Meekrob: We are beings of pure energy. This is merely a form your human brain can understand.
Dib: But you just looked like aliens before you turned into shoes.
Meekrob: Hmmm. Yes, but you couldn't comprehend that.
Dib: Yes, I could.

Dib: This is… this is just incredible! I should… I should see if this whatever-it-is really will help me deal with Zim! I gonna head over to his base! Hey, I'm speaking out loud to myself in an unnatural manner. [shrugs] Oh, well.

Zim: [answers the door after Dib knocks] Huh?
Dib: I've got a few things to tell you, Zim. [pan up to the sky as the sun changes from mid-day to early evening, pan back down] And that's all I have to say about that.
Zim: [pondering] Ehh… okay. [goes back inside his house for a few seconds, and reappears with a suitcase and Gir] I can't argue with that, Dib. You've won. I'm giving myself up to the Earth authorities. [to Gir] It's been nice working with you, Gir. Now, self-destruct.
Gir: Finally! [laughs, emits out a high-pitched noise, and explodes]
[A police car pulls up in front of Zim's house, and Zim gets in and drives away]
Dib: This feeling, the power! It isn't going away! Things really are going to be different for me! At last! [makes a fighting pose] YAH!
[Membrane house; Professor Membrane and Gaz watch Dib being interviewed on live TV]
TV Reporter: You've opened the world's eyes to the existence of aliens, Dib! Now what?
Dib: There are many other mysteries still unsolved. I figured, you know… I'll do some of that. [smiles at the camera while the flashes of cameras and microphones surround him]

Zim: DIB!
Dib: [enters the room, with Claire Danes holding his arms] It's been years, Zim.
Zim: Twenty of your years to be precise, enduring these indignities. The only reason I have not tried to escape is because it amuses me.
Dib: Amuses you to what?
Zim: Ah, yes! The invasion!
Dib: I didn't ask you about the invasion.
Zim: Oh, you didn't? Well, you were supposed to. Well, they'll be here! The armada will come and there's nothing you can do about it!
Dib: We'll see, Zim. We'll see.

Dib: [standing on a podium] To better study the coming alien menace… [shoots down an alien ship with his goggles; continues talking] I am proud to open the Dib Institute of Paranormal Studies/School of Paranormal Tolerance/Museum/Snack Bar!

Dib: [drawing a diagram of the Massive on a chalkboard, demonstrating in front of a group of soldiers] The Massive, the armada capital ship! The side pods are filled with snacks. It's their weak spot. Alpha…you'll be bringing down the Massive.
Soldier: But, Dib…sir… Who'll lead alpha squadron?

Dib: And that's how I was awarded the "Greatest Person Ever to Live" award.
Alan: You've lived quite a full life, haven't you, Sir Dib?
Dib: Yes, Alan. It was everything I could have hoped for, and more. And I even got to ride a moose.
Alan: [laughs] And who could forget that day? Yes, well, we thank you for sharing your incredible life with us and for allowing the human race to survive.
Dib: Oh, yes. You're welcome.
Alan: And, oh, if I may say, there's one final question that would settle the curiosity of your many fans. Did you throw the muffin at Zim's head?
Dib: [chuckles] Wow, that's going back a long ways. As a matter of fact, I did.

Hobo 13 [1.20a]

Almighty Tallest Purple: Plasma-Armed battle tanks, Maim-bots, death ray cannons, a sack of taquitos?
Zim: Just a few supplies I will need to complete my mission.
Gir: You get my taquitos yet?
Almighty Tallest Red: Your exile... I mean, mission is to observe the planet, Zim. Not anhialate it.
Zim: Yes, but I'm quite good at ahnialating.
Gir: TAQUITOS! And a clown with no head.
Almighty Tallest Purple: Look. We'd love to grant your request, but we think you're insane. Uh, untrained.
Zim: Untrained!? Invader Zim!?
Almighty Tallest Red: You're trained as an invader, Zim. Battle tanks are for hardened soldiers.
Zim: Hrm!
Almighty Tallest Purple: Hey! How about we send Zim to Hobo 13? It's the... um... finest military training planet ever. Zim! On Hobo 13, you'll be torn limb from limb!
Almighty Tallest Red: Evaluated! Evaluated as a soldier! If you pass, we'll send you a BIG bag of battle tanks!
Almighty Tallest Purple: But not that clown thing.
Zim: [knocks GIR aside] Very well, my Tallest! To obtain my tanks, I will allow the evacuation of my incredible brain meats. Zim out!
Gir: How about clown taquitos? [Zim ends transmission]

Zim: With my mighty fists of horror and unstoppable cruelty, I am the tool of destruction, vengeance and fury!
Sgt. Hobo: I only asked for your name! Next!
Throbulator: I am Throbulator! I am a creature of pure headache! Yeeow, my head!
Sgt. Hobo: Your name! That's all I want! Gah!
Skoodge: Invader Skoodge, sir!
Zim: Skoodge? I thought the Almighty Tallest killed you!
Skoodge: Yeah, but I'm okay now. They said they'd promote me if I passed the evaluation.
Zim: Heh! Foolish, gullible Skoodge.

Sgt. Hobo: Prepare yourselves, you slime-licking smort crabs, to face a series of trials! The finish line is the dreaded fortress of pain! Any mistakes and you will be beamed away, to a losers' holding pen! The holding pen... of pain!
Throbulator: The holding pen is painful?
Sgt. Hobo: Yes!
Throbulator: Does it have to be?!?
Sgt.Hobo: Not really.

Almighty Tallest Red: As you can see, brave Invader Zim has begun his journey to the Fortress of Pain!
Almighty Tallest Purple: Anyone wanna bet that Zim gets blown up?
Irken 1: A thousand moneyz something eats him up!
Almighty Tallest Purple: All right. Anyone for chopped in half?
Irken 2: OOHH! I bet two thousand moneyz!

Sergeant Hobo 678: I'm really looking forward to twisting you into a twisted horrible knot, made from you!

Sergeant Hobo 678: This circle is surrounded by a transportation field. First person to be pushed through that field gets transported to-
Zim: The Holding Pen of Pain?
Sergeant Hobo 678: No. It's FULL! Now the loser gets sent to...THE OUTHOUSE OF MADNESS!

Sergeant Hobo 678: You are the worst student I've ever had!
Zim: [Cutting him off] Perhaps you have trained me too well!
Sergeant Hobo 678: [Disappointed] No really, you're the worst.

Walk for Your Lives [1.20b]

Dib: You'll never get away with this, Zim! I'm going to… [slowed down] expose you… [speeding up] for the horrible alien menace that you are… [normally] and scoop your insides out!

Zim: We cannont fail, GIR! Ever since I was a small Irken Smeech, my dream was to pass Probing Day like a Slorbeast passes her young; jiggly! And full of juice.

Zim: That's it! Time!
GIR: What you say?
Zim: If I can bring the time field around the explosion back up to regular speed, it'll fix everything!
GIR: No it won't...
Zim: The explosion will blow up like normal and be gone forever!
GIR: But won't it just explode? Just like this! KABLAM!
Zim: Do not interrupt my being ingenious!

Zim: There! I've accelerated Dib's time field to cancel out the field around the explosion. Computer! What's the angle of trajectory?
Zim's Computer: 36 mark 2. But seriously, if you just speed up the explosion-
Zim: I don't pay you to contradict me!
Zim's Computer: You don't... pay me at all...
GIR: [being used as a catapult for an accelerator to speed up the explosion] But if the big 'splodey goes fast, won't it get all bad?

Season 2


The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever [2.1]

Mall Santa: And what do you want for Christmas little boy or girl?
GIR: I wants me a barrel of flies, I wants me two balls of be my friends! And I wants to go dancin' naked! And I wants...
[Time passes; Santa looks extremely annoyed]
GIR: ...and a chair made of cheese, and a table made of cheese, and a...
Mall Santa: Ugh! No more! Get this kid away from me!

Kid: I don't get it! Why does he want to take over the Earth so badly? What does he have to gain, or to lose? And the mechanizations of this malfunctioning Santa suit completely elude me!
Snowman: [Stares at the kid, then picks him up by the head and places him under the bed] As I was saying...

Backseat Drivers From Beyond the Stars [2.2]

Zim: My Tallest! My Tallest, hey, my Talleeeeest! My Tallest! My, my, my my Tallest! My Taaaaallest! Hey! Hey! Hey over here, my Tallest! My Tallest? My TallEST! My Tallest! My Tallest! Hey, my Tallest, my Tallest, my Tallest! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! My Tallest! My Tallest! My TaaaaaallEST! My Tallest. My TALLest! Hey! MAH TALLEEEEST! MY TALLEST! MY TALLEST! MY TALLEST! My TaaAAALLest! Hey! Hey! My Tallest? Uh, hi! My Tall! Hey my Tallest! It's me! Look at me! My Tallest? My Tallest! My Tallest?
Tallest Red: I was curious to see when you would shut up on your own. But it's been THREE hours now, Zim! THREE HOURS! So... what is it?
Zim: I just noticed that you're traveling closer to the Earth than EVER before!
Tallest Purple: How do you know that?
Zim: Oh, I know all kinds of things about you. Pretty creepy, huh? Anyhow, I was...
Tallest Purple: Hey! That is creepy. You're creepy, Zim.
Zim: Heh heh. Yes, I sure am. Anyhow, since you're so nearby, you can see me initiate my newest, most DIABOLICAL PLAN TO DESTROY THE HUMANS! I made sandwiches!
Tallest Red: Uh, look, Zim, err... maybe we'll stop boy on our way back from... wherever we're going.
Zim: But--
Tallest Red: Sorry, Zim! Uh, we're being... attacked! [pushes Almighty Tallest Purple] By an enemy vessel! Ooh! Oohh! Gotta go! Gotta go! [signals one of the crew mates to cut the transmission. The transmission with Zim is cut and Almighty Tallest Purple gets back up.] "Enemy vessel" - ha! As though anyone would dare go up against the Massive.
Tallest Purple: Yeah, that is pretty funny. [pointing aside] HEY, SOMEONE'S MAKING DONUTS! [he and Tallest Red both cheer]

Zim: GIR!
[A turkey sitting next to Zim explodes, revealing GIR]
GIR: It's ME! I was the turkey all along!
Zim: I was wondering what that turkey was doing there. GIR! I'm delaying the brain parasite plan for now. I want you to-
GIR: I was the turkey! Me!
Zim: you were...

Tallest Red: That's a Vort ship! I didn't think there were any of those left! Call them and tell them we're gonna blow 'em up! Hah!
[Scene cuts to the Resisty's ship]
Lard Nar: They're hailing us! They're hailing us! Oh, quick! We need a name! We can't form a resistance and not have a name!
Shloonktapooxis: How 'bout the pirate monkeys! It's a awesome name.
Lard Nar: Hmmm... No. We need something scary! Something to strike fear into all who hear of the resistance!
Spleenk: I got it! I got it!
[Scene cuts back to the Massive. Tallest red is playing with a puppet]
Tallest Red: Identify yourself.
Lardy Nar: [disguised deep voice] We are the Resisty! And we have come to-
Tallest Purple: Whoa, whoa whoa. Did you say the Resisty?
Lardy Nar: Yes, yes the Resisty! Anyhow, we have come to-
Tallest Purple: That's a stupid name.
Lardy Nar: [regular voice] See! I told you it was stupid! Why do I keep listening to yours?
Spleenk: I don't know.

Zim: You're nothing, Earth boy! Go home and shave your giant head of smell with your bad self!
Dib: Okay. There are all kinds of things wrong with what you just said.

Zim: Is that Irken equipment you're using? That's Tak's ship you're sitting in, isn't it?
Dib: Yes it is, Zim. It fell from the...
Zim: Isn't it!?
Dib: I SAID IT WAS! Man, you have a problem with listening, Zim.
Zim: ISN'T IT!?!?

Robodad: That's bad manners, son! I guess we haven't taught you well enough! We don't spend enough quality time together. [hugs Zim's head; grunts] TIME TO LEARN YOU A LESSON! [grabs Zim by the head and lifts him up, striking a pose]
Robomom: Awww... Let me get the camera!

Robodad: [breaking the door open and sticks his head through] Come on, son! Let's go PLAY in the TOILET!

Tak's ship: Security defense systems activated! Intruder detected. Get your filthy alien meat out of the cockpit.
Dib: What the…?! Tak?!
Tak's ship: Almost. I'm Tak's downloaded personality interface and it seems you've stolen me.
Dib: [yells as he is tossed out of the ship] No! The Massive's almost here! You gotta let me in!

Mortos Der Soulstealer [2.3a]

Dib: Um, ancient traveler? Are you Mortos Der Soulstealer?
Mortos: Huh? YES! I AM MORTOS DER SOULSTEALER! Every thousand years when Ta'un aligns with Chakunga, I escape from the place beneath the Overworld to walk among mortals for one day. Important plot point this is. Men hide behind furniture. Women spit loogies of terror. Animals void their bowels at the sight OF MORTOS DER SOULSTEALSER! [laughs maniacally until he starts coughing.]
Dib: [wipes away drool that landed on him] Okay, great!

Dib: Hold it! [takes out pamphlet] According to the ancient pamphlet, you must grant at least one mortal a wish before you can return to the spooky realm.
Mortos: [snatches up pamphlet] Pamphlet stupid! [drops pamphlet on the ground, then stomps on it with his foot, then starts pounding it with his fist.] Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! [Stops pounding and then gets up again] Okay, but power's very weak from thousand year in place beneath the Overworld.
Dib: Well, how do we fix that?
[scene cuts to them later at a MacMeatey's]
Mortos: Two quarter porkeys with cheese, one McGrease, no cheese, Meaty McMeatMeatMeat with cheese, and an Appely Pie with meat. [The food is served to Mortos, then Mortos scarfs it down.]
Dib: Mortos, is this really how you recharge your unearthly powers?
Mortos: YES! SINCE BEFORE TIME BEGAAAAAAAAANNNNN! [Cashier starts gesturing, asking for money.] Mortos not carry cash.
Dib: Oh. [reaches into his pocket] Okay.

[Dib and Zim are on opposite sides of the road]
Dib: Zim!
Zim: What?!?
Dib: Zim!
Zim: What?!?
Dib: Zim!
Zim: What?!?
Dib: [screaming] You won't get away with it!
Zim: [struggling to hear Dib] ...that's very nice of you.
Dib: No! Your plan, I'm going to stop you! I got a secret weapon!
Zim: Where is it?
Dib: Around...
Zim: Can it protect you from ... T-T-T-T-THIS?! [GIR opens up the top of his puppy suit]
GIR: SAMMICH! [his head opens and a sandwich flies out, hitting Dib and knocking him against the wall]
[Zim laughs maniacally as the two begin to walk off]
GIR: I had a sammich in my head!
Dib: Laugh now, space monster! But my weapon is so powerful, it... buys rubber pants!

Dib: You ditched me!
Mortos: Yes. Mortos ditch you. And Mortos sorry. But many years ago, Mortos trust little boy like you. Little boy named Floochie. Who sang songs to Mortos. That little boy break Mortos' heart... Now, dark energy of universe Mortos' only friend...
Dib: I'm sorry.
Mortos: And Darlene here...
Darlene: Hi!
Dib: Guh! I can't believe I almost bought that sob story! Mortos, you're no mighty master of spooky powers like the pamphlet said! You're just a... a big mooch!
Mortos: You call Mortos mooch?
Dib: Yes, a mooch!
Mortos: MOOCH!
Dib: That's right!
Mortos: Mooch, mooch, mooch, mooch, mooch, MOOCH! You want see power? I show you power!

Mortos: [finishing his soda] Ah, Refreshing! Mortos grant wish now! [to Dib] What you want again? Hello?
[Dib, busily wrestling Zim, doesn't hear Mortos. Da' Cone walks by Mortos]
Da' Cone: Wee-hoo! I wish I had me some ice cream!
Mortos: Your wish is granted!
[Mortos summons a demon ice cream man that hands the pedestrian an ice cream cone]
Da' Cone: Well whaddya know? [takes a lick] Ew, raisin.
[He throws the ice cream to the ground]
Dib: Noooo!
Mortos: Mortos so weak... I need to go return now…
Dib: Nooo! Mortos, you still owe me!
Mortos: Maybe next time you not be so cheap with Mortos. See you in a thousand years!

Zim Eats Waffles [2.3b]

[Dib is following GIR into ZIM's home in a cloaking device. GIR eventually finds him and throws "Poop" at him. Dib becomes visible]
Dib: I was...
[eats a cookie]
GIR: Lalalalala
Dib: Excuse me, but, can you put this spy camera in ZIM's house so I can... spy on his evil and stuff?
GIR: Okey dokey!
Dib: I shoulda tried this a long time ago.

[While Dib watches the scene using a spy camera installed into Zim's house]
GIR: Guess who made waffles!
Zim: I'm not going to eat-
GIR: [Gasps]
Zim: Enough! I shall try some already! [takes a bite] Well, they don't seem to be making me sick. You know, I think this will be a good way to build a tolerance to the human's filthy food! Okay, GIR. I will try-
GIR: Hehehehehehe! [runs to get more waffles]
Zim: And as soon as I'm done with these waffles, I will discuss my evil plan!

Zim: Hey, do you know who came by today?
GIR: Hm?
Zim: That ugly neighbor lady. She was wearing this horrible...
[An evil looking squid pokes his head into the kitchen. Zim looks and it quickly leaves]
Zim: Huh?
[The squid leaps onto Zim's head and thrashes him about]
Zim: Oh mighty dung! The giant flesh-eating demon squid has escaped!

Zim: Hey, these aren't bad! What's in 'em?
GIR: There's waffle in 'em!
[Zim pauses, then yells, stepping up on the table]

Greg: Hello. Thank you for calling the FBI. My name is Greg. How may I help you?
Dib: I have an emergency! There's a kid who'se...
Greg: [laughs] Hey. Hey. You're Dib, right? Did you ever get that ninja ghost out of your toilet?
Dib: Yes! No thanks to you! There's a kid in trouble! [Dib look at the monitor of Dib's spy cam and they see Zim and Nick eat waffles together.]
Nick: It's good. [collapses]
Greg: Man. That kid sure loves his waffles. Stay right there. We're sending someone over to beat you up for playing jokes on the FBI!
Dib: But look at the brain probe!
Greg: Oh, all right. We'll send someone to investigate. When we get around to it.

The Girl Who Cried Gnome [2.4a]

Zim: The Dib- the Dib! I don't care how delicious he is, he's evil! Now they'll find the base! There's only one thing to do!
GIR: You gonna make biscuits?! You gonna make biscuits?! You gonna make biscuits?! You gonna make biscuits?!
Zim: No, GIR. Never. I never want you to mention biscuits ever again.
[GIR gets a shocked expression]

Zim's Computer: There's someone at the door.
Zim: Oh, what is it? I have not the patience for- AAAAAH! Girl with cookies! Girl with cookies!

Reporter: Just how many more minutes will she have to suffer before rescue crews can free her? Huh?!
Dib: Why don't they just pull her out?
Man: She's lodged in real good. I heard her foot's poking out over in China. Plus, she screams real scary whenever anybody comes near her.
Dib: Look at her. She's just smiling and waving. She just loves the attention. Wait a minute. [visions himself running through the crowd toward Zim's house and drags him out, exposing him without his disguise in front of everybody along with Gir, making a pose] Attention! If I can get up there, I can expose him on national TV!

Dibship Rising [2.4b]

Prof. Membrane: [on a video monitor] Kids, I'm glad we could have this dinnertime recording together. Now, Gaz, if you could just put that can of beans in the proton oven! Be sure to take them out of the can or the explosion will destroy all human life!
[Gaz puts the unopened can in the proton oven, but the power goes out]
Gaz: Dib!
Dib: Sorry, Gaz! Just doing a few adjustments on Tak's ship!
[The power comes back on. Gaz adds two more cans then starts the oven. The bottom blows off in a small explosion]
Gaz: That didn't wipe out all life as we know it?!? You lied to me, Dad!

Dib: Tak had downloaded her personality into the computer, so it might be possible for me to download mine. Gaz, are you listening to me explain all this?

Dibship: Personality transfer complete. Rebuilding- Hey! Who are you?
Dib: I'm Dib.
Dibship: No you're not. I'm Dib. I feel funny. What's happened to me?

Dib: I know. The philosophical implications are quite…philosophical.
Dibship: But I remember everything. [emerging a screen monitor] I remember being a baby, my first ghost-baby sighting, my first baby-alien encounter, riding an alien elephant baby at Dad's genetic mutation fair.
Dib: Your memories are really of me doing all of those things! You have a copy of my magnificent brain inside you!

Dibship: [as Zim analyzes him with his scanning device] I spotted your fake Dib-double, Zim! You already tried that once before and it won't work this time either!
Zim: Hey! That's an Irken power signature inside of you! You're Tak's ship!
Dipship: What are you talking about?! I'M DIB! I'M DIB!

Dib: How did you get out here? Wait… You shut my alarm off, didn't you?!
Dibship: I'm sorry, Dib. I tricked you and escaped. I thought I was the real Dib, but, I was confused. Would you like to get inside and I can take you to school… pal?

Vindicated [2.5a]

Coach Walrus: I have shown you the horrors of war! The devastation of famine! Pictures of my birth! But I don't think you comprehend what awaits you in adult life! To better prepare you for the inevitable character-building horrors, we will now play bludgeon ball! It's fun!

Teacher: Dwicky! Do you really believe in aliens?!?
Dwicky: [laughs] Not anymore! All the child-like wonder was ripped from my heart the day my foot got stuck in an escalator and aliens didn't come rescue me! No, I'll just humor Dib until he tells me what the real problem is.
Teacher: [spazzes out] AGH! That's...psycho-technical talk! [falls to the floor]
Dwicky: Indeed it is.

[Zim stuffs a globe into a goldfish bowl, goldfish is crushed against side of bowl]
Zim: Now do you understand my latest and most brilliant plan for earth conquest, GIR?
GIR: I'm gonna eat that fish.
Zim: No, GIR. The fish is part of the plan.

The Voting of the Doomed [2.5b]

Ms. Bitters: The candidates will now speak. And then be quiet! And then I go away from you all.
Zim: As president, I will assure that all mankind has its legs sawed off!
Zim: [nervously] And, uh, replaced with legs of pure gold!
[The students smile approvingly]
Zim: Yes! And I will grant you the power to fire lasers from your heads!
The Letter M: I like gold!
Morla: I like my head!

Zim: Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you! Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you!
Dib: Ms. Bitters! Zim is threatening the voters! He's disqualified, right?
Ms. Bitters: [to an administration droid] The child shrieks like a fruit bat.
[The droid slams another muzzle around Dib's head]

Gaz, Taster of Pork [2.6]

[Dib casts a spell on Gaz without knowing what it does. The spell wakes Gaz up]
Gaz: If there's one thing you should know by now, it's to stay out of my room!
Dib: Do you feel different anyway?
Gaz: Get out!
Dib: X-ray vision, maybe? Super-smell?
Gaz: That's it, Dib! Security!
[Gaz's stuffed animals transform into robots with weapons. They advance on Dib who runs away screaming]

[Gaz is in an isolation chamber after the spell Dib casts on her goes wrong. Dib is visiting her]
Gaz: I'll make you wish you had rabid weasels teleported into your skull instead of having a sister! I'll wait until you sleep and stuff all your paranormal junk into your big, giant paranormal head and chew on your eyeballs after I pluck them out!
[Dib runs screaming from the room]

Dib: [groaning and holding back vomit; off-screen] I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

The Frycook That Came from All That Space [2.7]

Zim: Fool! My fellow hideous inferior human pig-smellies are insulted by this constant slander! [pounds his fist on his desk.]
Dib: Would a human call their own kind pig-smelly? Huh!?! Huh!?! Huh!?! We're not pigs!
[Pigboy walks up to Zita, Confused.]
Zita: Hey! You watch what you say around Pigboy!

[Zim collapse from exhaustion and lands face down in a bucket of water]
Sizz-Lorr: Break's over, Zim! Go man the register!
Zim: Whuh?
Sizz-Lorr: The register! Gashloog is taking his break! Now move it!
[Gashloog takes off his apron and skips gleefully out the door]
Zim: Gashloog gets to take a break without exploding! Why not me?
Sizz-Lorr: Because I hired him! You're here as punishment for almost annihilating our civilization!
Zim: Am I the only one who is impressed by that?

[GIR is talking to the Tallest via a video communicator]
GIR: ...and then my master flew to the moon on a rocket of flamin' cheese! I like cheese!
[Dib shoves GIR out of the way]
Dib: Can I ask you something? What are your species' main weaknesses? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Tallest Purple: Who's that large-headed kid?
Tallest Red: I don't know, but his head is large.
Dib: [clears throat] Excuse me, alien scum? Gimme your planet's coordinates!

[last lines of the series]
Zim: Home! A sweet victory for Zim! It is good to be back, good to be Zim! Huh?! [Zim notices Dib and GIR dancing in the living room. Dib holds a camera. The Tallest watch from the transmission screen that replaces the green monkey picture. Dib looks into the camera.] Hey! Get out of my house! [Dib drops the camera.] Get out!
[Zim runs over to usher Dib out and steps on the camera.]
Dib: Hey! Hey! [continuous]
[Zim chases Dib around the house. The TV plays a Bloaty's commercial.]
Zim: Get out of the house of Zim! This is my house, get out! Get-
[Aboard the Massive, Red ends the transmission with a remote, ending the series]




  • Zim - Richard Steven Horvitz
  • GIR - Rosearik Rikki Simons
  • Dib - Andy Berman
  • Gaz - Melissa Fahn
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