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Hudson Hawk

1991 film by Michael Lehmann

Hudson Hawk is a 1991 film that makes heavy use of cartoon-style slapstick, including sound effects, which enhances the movie's signature surreal humour. The plot combines material based on conspiracy theories, secret societies, and historic mysteries, as well as outlandish "clockpunk" technology à la the Our Man Flint movies of the 1960s, which starred James Coburn, who likewise stars in this film.

Directed by Michael Lehmann. Written by Steven E. deSouza and Daniel Waters.
Catch the excitement. Catch the laughter. Catch the Hawk.taglines

Hudson Hawk

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  • If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt."
  • How am I driving? 1-800-I'm-gonna-fucking-die!
  • Hi, I'm being blackmailed into robbing Vatican City by a psychotic American corporation and the C.I.A..
  • Hey! Old Man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally Intelligent Ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!
  • [after decapitating Alfred] You won't be attending that hat convention in July!

Tommy Five-Tone

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  • That doughnut-hole-eating, son-of-a-bitch, take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer, rat bastard!

Anna

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  • (drugged) I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow. What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows! (laughs) I must speak with the dolphins now. Eeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeeee!

Darwin Mayflower

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  • What can I tell you? I'm the villain.
  • This might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of 19, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones! But finally, I've got myself a new goal: WORLD DOMINATION!
  • Money isn't everything - gold is. Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks! Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal! Money will always be paper, but gold will always be GOLD!
  • I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career.
  • I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom!
  • If Da Vinci were alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us.
  • History, tradition, culture... are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!

Minerva Mayflower

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  • Bunny, ball ball.
  • Eureka, motherfuckers!

George Kaplan

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  • God, I miss Communism. The Red threat. People were scared, the Agency had some respect, and I got laid every night.
  • Punks. They think that the "Bay of Pigs" is an herbal tea and that the Cold War has something to do with penguins.
  • We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. You and your friend Tommy are nothing more than... a late afternoon Triscuit. Ciao.
  • (his dying words) MY PENSION!

Other

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  • Cardinal The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists. We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey.
  • Cardinal (in a confessional) Hit me with your best shot.

Dialogue

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Tommy: Did I miss anything?
Hudson Hawk: Gates tries to blackmail me, you ask me "Did I miss anything?" Gates gets killed, you say "Did I miss anything?" I bet you went up to Mrs. Lincoln at Ford's Theatre and said "How was the show? Did I miss anything?"
Hudson Hawk: Don't I know you?
George Kaplan: The last time you saw me, I was bald, with a beard and no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended.
Hudson Hawk: My high school science teacher?
Darwin Mayflower: So, Hawkmeister. We've got you clothes, a great hotel and a 250,000 lira per diem.
Minerva Mayflower: That's 200 dollars a day. So he can get a hooker and some tequila? Veto, Darwin!
Hudson Hawk: I guess we see who wears the penis in this family.
George Kaplan: I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Rome. I did my first bare-handed strangulation here. Communist politician.
Hudson Hawk: Why, George, you old softie.
Snickers: Good news Hawk, the Mayflowers have moved up the timetable, you're hitting the Vatican tonight.
Hudson Hawk: Oh, no! No no, hold on, no way! The timing is off, I'm underequipped, and besides that, I've got a date.
Almond Joy: (reading Hawk's shopping list) Grapple, biker's bottle, pocket fisherman, olive oil, 100 stamps? Gee stud, this's going to be some date! No Harvey's Bristol Cream?
Butterfinger: Hey Mr. Hawk, I got your stamps.
Hudson Hawk: (imitating BooBoo) Good, Yogi.
Hudson Hawk: Look, you Eddie Munster-looking motherfucker, someone better explain to me what is going on, or I ain't gonna move another muscle. I want to be treated like an adult!
Darwin Mayflower: That's fair. Now go to your room!
Darwin Mayflower: The last ingredient in the recipe is Da Vinci's model of a helicopter...
Minerva Mayflower: ...on display for three days only at the Louvre in Paris.
Hudson Hawk: As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin?
Darwin Mayflower: Shut up! You're gonna make me lose my train of thought.
[Hudson finds out Anna is a nun.]
Anna: It doesn't mean I don't love you.
Hudson Hawk: Oh, no, you love me! It's your job! You probably love Butterfinger over there.
Anna: Well, yeah, in a weird sort of Catholic way, I do.
[Snickers has a time bomb stuck to his head.]
Snickers: (leaping around desperately) Get this fucking thing off my head!
Hudson Hawk: Hey Tommy, look at Snickers.
Tommy Five-Tone: Yeah, he's about to have a bad migraine.
Anna: (drugged) I'm not a very good damsel in a dress, am I? (manly voice) You must pay the rent! (girly voice) But I can't pay the rent! (makes dolphin noises)
Darwin Mayflower: Yo, Flipper! A "damsel in distress" implies that there is some well-hung Dudley Do-Right galloping up to save you. It ain't gonna happen. Hudson Hawk go boom-boom. He dead.
Darwin Mayflower Tommy, you New-York-Italian-father-made-twenty-bucks-a-week-son-of-a-bitch! You were hired as bait, and on this one simple task you have betrayed me! Do you have an answer why?
Tommy Five-Tone: I got five of them! [punches Darwin]
Hudson Hawk: Anna, we're supposed to be saving you.
Anna: I know. I got bored so I saved myself.
Hudson Hawk: You're supposed to be all cracked up at the bottom of the hill!
Tommy Five-Tone: Air bags! Can you fucking believe it?
Anna: You're supposed to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh!
Tommy Five-Tone: Sprinkler system set up in the back! Can you fucking believe it?

Taglines

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  • Catch the excitement. Catch the laughter. Catch the Hawk.
  • For this cat burglar, nine lives may just not be enough.
  • Shy. Sensitive. Law-abiding. Polite. Respectful. - I don't think so.
  • Catch the Excitement. Catch the Adventure. Catch the Hawk.
  • Watch your step. Hold your breath. Hang on for dear life. And catch...the hawk.

Cast

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