House of Lies

House of Lies (2012–2016) is an American TV show, airing on Showtime, about a group of management consultants who stop at nothing to get business deals done, even if it calls for extremes.

Season 1

Gods of Dangerous Financial Instruments [1.01]

Marty Kaan: The only thing that we need to figure out is what makes them think they can't live without us for the next three years while we infect the host and bleed them dry.

---

Marty Kaan: [Talking about their client] We don't stick the landing on this one, our pod can be eliminated.

Doug Guggenheim: Hey, no pressure.

Marty Kaan: So, what are they looking for?

Jeannie Van Der Hooven: They're looking for a market position.

Clyde Oberholt: Like they don't already have one. They're masters of the fucking universe.

Doug Guggenheim: You know, it's like my econ professor at Harvard used to say to me: never examine the motives of the guys writing your checks.

Marty Kaan: Unless you say something that supports the position they're secretly hoping we advance.

Clyde Oberholt: Yeah, but what's the objective?

Marty Kaan: They want...

Jeannie Van Der Hooven: They want us to tell them they are perfect.

Marty Kaan: Look, fuck what they want, okay? Consulting is like dissing a really pretty girl so that she'll want you more. We need them to think they're almost perfect so we can book that after-work.

Veritas [1.08]

James: You...I don't..you, you set me up? You fucking crap out on me?

Marty Kaan: James, you asked for my advice, right? I mean, you fucking begged for it. Well, I just taught you the most important thing that I know: You never ever trust anyone until you know their angle. And now you know.

Season 2

When Dinosaurs Ruled The Planet [2.02]

Doug Guggenheim: [Exiting a car in the middle of Las Vegas] Oh man, you see that? Viva Las Vegas, baby! Or should I say viva lost wages? You ever heard of that?

Clyde Oberholt: You know, maybe to be safe you just shouldn't say anything at all.

Doug Guggenheim: Oh, you know what, Clyde? Your words can't hurt me. Not here. Uh-uh. Not in the most majestic city in the world. God, where the Eiffel Tower is a stone's throw from a Venetian gondola. Where if you want to walk from a giant slot machine to a world class art gallery, all you need to do is cross the Bellagio lobby, simple as that. Tickets to the museum will cost you 15 bucks, but as the poster out the front says: it's worth the Monet. I'm excited!

Marty Kaan: I can tell.

Clyde Oberholt: Marty, this is where Jeannie would usually jump in.

Marty Kaan: You crushed it, Guggenheim.

Doug Guggenheim: Yes!

Clyde Oberholt: No, no, no, the other thing.

Marty Kaan: Shut the fuck up!

Clyde Oberholt: Shut the fuck up, Doug!

Man-Date [2.03]

Jeannie Van Der Hooven: [at a spa] How do you do it? You know, balancing marriage and career and kids.

Tamara: Well, you do one thing for a while until the other thing suffers and then you swing back and pay attention to the other. It's the most imperfect system and unfair but honestly I haven't seen anything else work better.

Jeannie Van Der Hooven: Well, you make it look easy.

Tamara: Yeah, well, it's pretty much always a clusterfuck. Nothing is ever easy. You know maybe if you ever have a family, you'll get it.

Jeannie Van Der Hooven: Yeah, maybe I will.

Til Death Do Us Part [2.12]

Clyde Oberholt: [to a frantic Doug] Douglas, did someone sprinkle a little extra pussy in your cereal this morning?

Cast

• Don Cheadle - Marty Kaan
• Kristen Bell - Jeannie van der Hooven
• Ben Schwartz - Clyde Oberholt
• Josh Lawson - Doug Guggenheim
• Dawn Olivieri - Monica Talbot
• Donis Leonard Jr. - Roscoe Kaan
• Glynn Turman - Jeremiah Kaan

External links

• House of Lies quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• House of Lies at TV.com
• Official website