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Hill Street Blues

American serial police drama television series (1981–1987)

Hill Street Blues (1981–1987) was an American TV show, airing on NBC, about the lives and work of the staff of an inner city police precinct.

Let's be careful out there.

Season 1

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Hill Street Station [1.01]

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Esterhaus: Let's be careful out there.
Furillo: I'm sending in Goldblume, see if we can open communication, diffuse the situation. It's by the book, Howard.
Hunter: [snorts] Goldblume! Goldblume couldn't diffuse a roll of kosher toilet paper.
Esterhaus: But then I met Cindy. Overnight, my life turned around!
Fay: [sniffling, drying her eyes from crying] Oh, yeah? All, that's terrific, I'm glad to hear that! Are you thinking of getting re-married?
Esterhaus: As soon as she graduates.
Fay: She's a college student?
Esterhaus: High school. She's a graduating senior.
Bates: [to the just-restrained Angel Dust-using suspect] Take it easy, baby, take it easy. Nobody's gonna hurt you, you hear me? We're gonna take you to the hospital, now. You understand what I'm saying to you? Huh? [to another restraining officer] Don't think I don't know who was coppin' a cheap feel durin' the fight, huh?
Furillo: Look at this! You got the address wrong on the warrant.
Esterhaus: Captain, we never shoulda stopped doing these in pencil.
Furillo: ...so when the man understandably objects to being arrested, Earps here hits him with a board!
Earps: We had to, boss. We couldn't get his attention.

Presidential Fever [1.02]

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Politics as Usual [1.03]

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Furillo: What is that stuff?
Hunter: Oh, that's my tobacco. It's imported from Indonesia.
Furillo: Great aroma.
Hunter: You might start thinking about Indonesia, Frank. Some little dugout up in the bamboo. If I were you, I'd consider it.
Furillo: Why is that, Howard?
Hunter: Judas Priest, Frank! You've got the Commander-in-Chief on the front burner and you're standing around here with your pants around your support hose!
Belker: [answering his phone] Hill Street, Detective Belker... hi, Ma... I'm booking a pick-pocket... Ma, you're not having a heart attack, so why don't you just give it to me straight...chuckles "Standing in the window with binoculars?" Why is that such a bad thing? So what if he's a peeping tom, the man is 83 years old! All he's got left is his peep! … Ma…Ma…Ma! I am not arresting my own father, and that's that!

Can World War III Be an Attitude? [1.04]

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Hunter: I need you, Bates. You've got tight end size, with hands like a wide receiver, and a body weight to stand up against the stock of an M-16.
Bates: [tearfully] Do I look like a tight end to you?
Esterhaus: Well... I have noticed a certain muscularity in that vicinity.
Esterhaus: [to Malibu] Hey, tell me the truth. You think I should get rid of my Buick? My girlfriend thinks I ought to get into something flashier. See, we got the senior prom coming up...
Hunter: [leading Bates into the men's room] The walls have ears.
Bates: They also have urinals.

Double Jeopardy [1.05]

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Davenport: Suffice to say it is not John LaRue's innocence or guilt that is in question. The issue is how best to preserve what is already dangerously tainted bacon!
Esterhaus: I have this problem. It's of a male-female nature, if you know what I mean.
Fay: Phil, if you're talking about an occasional... dysfunction... it's nothing to worry about, especially with someone like Cindy where I'm sure you're under a great deal of pressure to perform.
Esterhaus: No, no, no. My relationship with Cindy is more domestic. We do a lot of cooking together.
Fay: Then, the problem's not sex?
Esterhaus: My problem is that I met this other woman... she's a lot older than Cindy.
Fay: Well, most of us are.
Esterhaus: I'm basically of the monogamous persuasion.
Furillo: What I don't understand is how [Macafee] was able to handle two wives emotionally.
Davenport: When you couldn't handle one?
Furillo: [sarcastically] How do you suppose you and Fay would get along under the same roof?

Film at Eleven [1.06]

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Belker: Sit down, dirtball.
Kevin: [extends his hand] Please, call me Kevin.
Esterhaus: Mrs. Perez, would you mind terribly leaving the little one with Officer Belker here while we ask you a few questions? He's very good with children.
Mrs. Perez: You take my baby? I want a receipt.

Choice Cut [1.07]

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Fay: [touching the lumpy bag in front of her] What is this?
Furillo: Don't pay any attention to that.
Fay: [jerking her hand away from the bag in revulsion] What do you mean, "Don't pay any attention to that"? There is a dead person in that bag, Frank!
Furillo: Fay, please, I'm pressed. Would you get to the point?
Hunter: Judas Priest, Frank! That's an eight-inch steel door! If those idiots don't think we mean business than our ace in the hole isn't worth a brown Q-tip!
Hunter: We're using a GL-700 deluxe mobile Frost King, Frank! It has dual frost pumps and direct power access. It sucks up thermal BTU's faster than an elephant in heat!
Renko: Can I stash some meat in the rear of your unit?
Bates: Sure, why not.

Up in Arms [1.08]

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Renko: Understand what? That my own partner doesn't want me in his house? I am housebroken, Bobby! I haven't messed the rug in years!

Your Kind, My Kind, Humankind [1.09]

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Calletano: Are you on duty or just in heat?
LaRue: Uh... right. I'm on my way.
Hill: [to Renko] You want to be like John D. LaRue with a pint in your pocket? Fine, but you get yourself another partner...'cause I care about what I do!
Washington: [to Hill] Hey, babe. Uh, you want to run a couple of those lines past me again? I think I'm gonna need 'em on J.D.

Gatorbait [1.10]

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Esterhaus: Makes a wicked carrot cake, my Cindy. The frosting's mine. [lowers his voice] We baked it dressed in our bathing suits.
Esterhaus: You know, Fay, for as traumatic as these calls are, I wouldn't worry about the caller doing what he threatened to.
Bates: [nodding] It's true.
Esterhaus: Sick, lonely, cowardly types. They can't do anything but dial a phone.
Fay: [nodding, feeling reassured] I know.
Esterhaus: Of course, there was the Clausen case not long ago.
Fay: What's the Clausen case?
Bates: Sergeant...
Esterhaus: Uh, you don't want to know, Fay. She lived, though, and he was put away. [shakes her hand reassuringly] Nice seeing you, Fay. I'm sure you got nothing to worry about.
Hunter: [carrying the dismembered plastic alligator into Furillo's office, amidst howls of laughter] This is just one more example of the rampant unprofessionalism that is legend in this precinct! Frank, Judas my boys shouldn't have to put up with this! Not with a gaggle of prankster apes who have silly putty for brains and jelly where their manhood ought to be!

Life, Death, Eternity [1.11]

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LaRue: Hey, in light of what's happened here today, has anyone given any more thought to my investment? It's an annuity for our loved ones, and it's still a thousand bucks a share to friends.
Goldblume: Uh, maybe I ought to talk to Rachel... again.
Phil: Yeah, maybe I'll give Grace a call... and Cindy, naturally.
Esterhaus: You know, since the word's out that you might move up to division, I have a few requests for transfer.
Furillo: How many?
Esterhaus: Twenty-eight uniforms, seventeen plainclothes, and one retirement. But you shouldn't let this in any way affect your decision.

I Never Promised You a Rose, Marvin [1.12]

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Hunter: Do I look like the sort of man who would leave the keys in the ignition of a six million dollar assault tank? Why, I've got 'em right here... [fumbles around in his pockets] right...

Fecund Hand Rose [1.13]

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Macafee: You know as well as I do, Frank, I'm facing four felony charges... and I don't think I have to tell you what's waiting for me upstate. I put away a few people in my day. Let's face it, it's a death sentence up there. So what's to lose? My virginity?
Davenport: [regarding her client, Heidel] Where is his paperwork?
Belker: Just about to get started.
Davenport: Was he Mirandized?
Heidel: Counselor, would you give the guy a break?
Davenport: Was he or was he not Mirandized?
Heidel: Yes, I was!
Davenport: Button up! Any evidence of theft on or about his person?
Belker: Yes and no.
Davenport: "Yes and no?"
Belker: What happened was, I think I saw him swallow some rings and things.
Heidel: You see, what-
Davenport: Don't say a word.
Belker: Uh, the captain is looking into a court order for stomach X-rays. In the meantime, we're just sitting around, waiting to see what comes down the pike, as they say.
Belker: Can I talk to you? Up until about a month ago I was dating a real quality woman. I mean, no dirtbag. We didn't see eye-to-eye on a couple of things, so we split up. So I'm seeing her tonight. [holds out his shaking hands] I'm like this.
Heidel: [who is by profession a burglar] You know something? I myself can't seem to sustain a relationship. It's the business that we're in. We work nights, holidays, weekends...how long can we expect a woman to put up with that kind of thing?
Bates: [on the phone with a potential blind date for the wedding] Um, I don't want to sound shallow or anything, but what exactly do you look like? Oh! No, I'm blond, too... yeah... you sound swell...I mean, super...[giggles] Um, how tall are you? Oh. Well, look, maybe you have a pair of shoes with Cuban heels?

Rites of Spring (1) [1.14]

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Hunter: [describing the neighbor lady with whom he just spent the night] I mean, she is a very... uh, worldly woman.
Esterhaus: Well, then she'd certainly appreciate this, Howard. You know, last Sunday Grace and I took her four-wheeler up to the country and went nude... horseback riding. [chuckles] I'm still chafed.
Renko: Ma'am, I'm sorry. It's just that I don't think a woman as fine-looking as you should be walking all alone in the middle of the night. Not around here. I'm a policeman, you know.
Sandra Pauley: Yeah, I know. [thinks about it] Well, like you said, it is a four-block walk. Lots of creeps out there.
Renko: Besides me, right?
Sandra Pauley: Yeah.
Sandra Pauley: Why is it that you come on to everyone like you just spent the afternoon shoveling horse manure?
Renko: Good evening, Ma'am.
LaRue: Who are you, my mother?
Washington: Closer than that, man, I'm your partner.

Rites of Spring (2) [1.15]

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Renko: You know, I'm ashamed to tell Sandra how I spend my days... standing around in alleys, walking around streets trying to control a bunch of crazy people, half of which are named after past presidents... Johnson, Jackson, Cleveland, Roosevelt...
Fay: I swear, Frank, I get more support from my pantyhose than I do from the cops in this garbage dump of a city!

Jungle Madness (1) [1.16]

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Renko: [about Sandra Pauley] She is the finest woman I've ever met in my life! Bright, educated... you know she's goin' for her PH.D in English literature... that refined! She's the only woman I know that can speak French to me without me wanting to punch her out. If I was the less secure type, I'd wonder what she saw in me.
Fay: You know, getting mugged is the best thing that's happened to me since our divorce, Frank.
Belker: [on the phone] Pa, I'm laughing because I don't believe what I'm hearing... alright, but I want you to calm down long enough to tell my why you want to put my mother in a mental institution? What do you mean you're in love with another woman? You're eighty-three years old! Where are you going so fast with another woman? That's crazy! You can't keep up with a sixty-eight year-old! I mean, how often can you... no kidding, that often? What's mom been feeding you?
Hill: [to Sandra Pauley, about Renko] Well, now that I've finally met you, let me ask you a question. What does a beautiful woman like you see in this guy? Other than maybe feeling sorry for him, which we all naturally do!

Jungle Madness (2) [1.17]

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Season 2

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Hearts and Minds [2.01]

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Esterhaus: [addressing the station about using the phones] If you feel you must misdemeanor, let's use the pay phones, huh?
Esterhaus: [about Grace] Frankly, Howard, I'm exhausted. The woman's a sexual juggernaut.
Esterhaus: [to Howard] Sex. Ironic, isn't it? I have more than I know what to do with. And you can't get arrested.
Renko: [to Hill] No comprende, Gordito. LaRue and Washington get the martini circuit. Ellis and Perez get to take a stroll in the park. What do you and me get? A walking tour of the third world.
Jesus Martinez: [to Frank] Yo, Furillo. Don't let the shadows get you.

Blood Money [2.02]

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Grace: I have waited, Phil, and I have endured! First your Gidget phase with that post-pubescent pom-pom girl, and now the second coming of Margaret, your Tupperware Madonna!
Adrianna: How fresh is the wound?
Furillo: [sheepishly] Still bleeding.
LaRue: Henry, you're bleeding all over my arrest report.
Belker: [to Collar] You forgot to pay your fare, Dogbreath.
Grace: It stirs something deep within me.
Hunter: All night maneuvers have that effect.

The Last White Man on East Ferry Avenue [2.03]

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The Second Oldest Profession [2.04]

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Goldblume: [to LaRue] You haven't had a meaningful relationship with a woman since your mother quit breastfeeding you.

Fruits of the Poisonous Tree [2.05]

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Davenport: [to sleazy Alan Wachtel] Some of us changed, Wachtel. Others of us mutated.

Cranky Streets [2.06]

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Hunter: Just another light-loafered step on the path to Socialism.
Calletano: Excuse me, Howard?
Hunter: Those union wags have got cream of wheat where their bone marrow was.

Chipped Beef [2.07]

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Renko: I'm just a thirty-one year-old white guy just tryin' to make my way in the world!
Calletano: [indignantly] Chipped beef is not a proper menu anywhere!
Belker: [misquoting the ATM] I'm here to assist you with all your banking needs, hairball!
Luana: [to Pickpocket] How would you like me to tear out both your lungs, dogbreath.

The World According to Freedom [2.08]

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Hunter: The Concrete Galapagos: Reverse Evolution and the Inner City by Heinrich Pentegrass. Have you read it, Frank?
Furillo: No, Howard, I missed that one.
Furillo: I owe you.
Jesus Martinez: You're damn right you owe me, Furillo.
Furillo: They scared you, too. Didn't they?
Jesus Martinez: Later, Furillo. Later.
Belker: Name?
Captain Freedom: [stands up] Dum dada rum. Captain Freedom. Ten tons of nitro in one fist and a neutron bomb in the other. When I walk buildings shake and bad guys wet their pants. [sits down] Wanna hear my manifesto?
Belker: [annoyed] Name?
Captain Freedom: Dum dada rum. Captain Freedom. I vow to give crime two black eyes and fight injustice and corruption wherever they may lurk. And brotherhood, I want to establish universal brotherhood.
Belker: They're laughing at you. They are. They're making fun of you. Don't you understand that?
Captain Freedom: What am I supposed to do? Hide in my room? Lock my doors and windows? Let the fear in the streets rule me like it does millions of others? If every man and woman got up off their knees and took a stand, do you think that criminals would walk the streets with impunity? No. This is my city, my country. And I'm gonna fight for it. Life. Life is a gift and you gotta reach out and grab hold of it or you are just part of the problem. You gotta, you gotta hug your kids every day and you gotta put gum wrappers in your pockets and take shorter trips in the car. Because that's what's right. Me? I'm not backing down. I'm not givin' in. They can beat me. They can rob me. I'll keep coming back. They can stomp on me until I'm just a little grease spot on the floor and someone else will jump in my place. Life triumphs. Love triumphs. I'm a man and I'm gonna hold my head up and walk like one.
Belker: Yeah.

Pestolozzi's Revenge [2.09]

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Chief Daniels: Did you ever have hemorrhoids, Frank?
Furillo: I can't say I have.
Chief Daniels: You're one of the blessed ones, believe me. It's the closest thing in the world to having a tennis ball up there. [raises his glass of mineral oil] Cheers. [makes a bitter face and shivers as the liquid goes down] Weak rectal tissue. It's hereditary, Frank.
Hunter: They're not interested in third-world dysgenics! They want my financial records! Judas Priest, Frank! If they're putting the brown shaft to our types can you imagine what they have in store for this hombre [gesturing to an already nervous Ray Calletano]?
Furillo: Howard.
Hill: The guy is going to his brother's wedding. You stop short and he plows into the rear of our car. He winds up no job, a broken nose, arrested; plus, he's on the hook for bail money, not to mention a torn tux, and you say, "No harm, no foul." Where the hell have you been all day?
Renko: What is justice, my man? What is justice?
Belker: You gotta get straight. You gotta put yourself back in reality.
Captain Freedom: What is reality, Mick? Ever seen the nucleus of an atom? Yet the existence of the entire universe depends on it. You ever touch the human soul? Yet it drives you more strongly then any muscle in your body. We step in and out of reality at every instant of our lives and yet we persist in reducing everything that we see to bland and secure terms. A single fly is capable of laying more than twenty million eggs. Leo Tolstoy pulled War and Peace from the nothingness of pure thought. The gold in your teeth was manufactured in an interior of an exploding star. What is reality? Who governs it? What are the rules? Who is to say that at this very moment I and everything around you are nothing but the creation of your own cosmic dreams?
Belker: Yeah.
Captain Freedom: Actually my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.

The Spy Who Came In from Delgado [2.10]

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Captain Freedom: Where are the bad guys?
Belker: They're in your head playing Canasta.
Fay: Unless you'd rather be buried with Miss Davenport, don't you think it's time we considered cemetery plots, Frank?

Freedom's Last Stand [2.11]

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Esterhaus: Due to a shortage of female decoys, the less hefty and bearded of you will find in your lockers a varied selection of wigs, dresses, and appropriate foundation.
Furillo: Last time you went out undercover, you ended up getting booted out of your house and sleeping on my couch for three nights.
Calletano: Size fourteen, Henry. [gives him a pink woman's overcoat and red blouse to wear]
Goldblume: [takes it from him] Don't worry, Frank. I think my marriage is safe in this.
Chief Daniels: [about his bowel movement] I gotta tell ya, I feel great! For the first time in three weeks, this morning I had a normal sit-down. I can't tell you what a joy it was. Went in there with the sports section and it was unbelievable.
Captain Freedom: [as Fay walks by] It's you! 4000 BC, the Princess Zuma, daughter of Theluminkis, whose likeness graces the wall of the Great Temple at Amar.
Fay: Excuse me?
Captain Freedom: [holds her hand] The lips, the eyes, the regal slope of the nose. The sheer overwhelming majesty of your beauty. They taunted you. A woman of uncommon intelligence, a free spirit. They did not understand your sensitivity or the fiery compassion that raged within you. You vowed you would return and now you're back, oh Princess of the Night.
Fay: Umm, could you let go of my hand? I think you have the wrong person.
Captain Freedom: [looking closer] You're right. The lights are bad in here. My mistake.

Of Mouse and Man [2.12]

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Hunter: These people have about as much appreciation for small arms weaponry as a Marseilles pimp!
Hunter: What have we here? [picks up a switchblade that the gang member dropped] Why, it's a Caribbean toothpick!

Zen and the Art of Law Enforcement [2.13]

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Mr. Sosa: Get out of here.
Goldblume: Not this time, Mr. Sosa. Your sweaty little reign of terror is over.

The Young, the Beautiful and the Degraded [2.14]

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Esterhaus: Change overtakes us all, Mick. And it can crop up anywhere. As for me personally, it was first apparent in matters of a sexual nature.
Hunter: Testosterone peaks and then starts diminishing. Many are out.
Esterhaus: Oh, sure, I was troubled the first few times it happened, but...
Esterhaus: Hello, Grace.
Grace: I'm wearing your favorite: Eau de Sade. You once said that it put you all out of control.
Esterhaus: A weakness I share with Weimaraners.
Esterhaus: Grace, I know you see in me some blue-clad symbol of male sensuality, but beneath this gabardine exterior beats the heart of a simple man with strong domestic desires. Grace, I have to know once and for all. In the twilight years, when the blaze has been reduced to embers, will we still be together? Semper fidelities at my side?
Grace: Philip Freemason Esterhaus, are you asking what I think you're asking?
Esterhaus: Oh, that's a good question. I mean, I...
Fay: What's a precinct captain's ex-wife have to do to get arrested around here, jaywalk in the nude?

Some Like It Hot-Wired [2.15]

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Personal Foul [2.16]

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Belker: [to the man who puts his arm around him in the theater] Move it or lose it at the elbow.
Man: I could take you out to lunch.
Belker: [pulls out his badge] I could take you to jail, dog breath.
Hunter: Alright, are there any more questions?
Shamrock: Yeah, I got a question. Are you some kind of a queen?
Hunter: [to Furillo] Just say the word, Frank. Twenty paddy wagons and a little tear gas and I'll accomplish more urban renewal in one hour than the feds have managed in a decade.

Shooter [2.17]

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Esterhaus: Now be reminded that in springtime, a young man's fancy turns to robbery, rape, and aggravated assault.
Furillo: They can always get guns, Marv. The world's full of guns.

Invasion of the Third World Mutant Body Snatchers [2.18]

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Renko: Now, what is so funny about this?
Hill: [while laughing] The whole thing. I'm sorry cowboy, but it's just so funny. Your old man sitting in that alley in his hospital greens with no shoes and Dogbreath Belker offering him a bite of his sandwich.
Renko: [also laughing] If he wasn't dead already, Belker's breath woulda killed him. [laughing heartily] You know what? That's the first decent laugh that damn old man ever gave me.

Season 3

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Trial by Fury [3.01]

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Sister Agnes: I saw the things they did to her body. It will be a hard memory to live with, but I know Sister Anna has already forgiven them.
Furillo: I wish I could.
Eddie: I thought about what you said about degrading myself. No more bus station men's room for Eddie Gregg.
Belker: Atta boy.
Eddie: I'm going to work the men's room at the Hotel Excelsior!
Bernstein: Are you kidding? Frank, there's a lynch mob out there.
Furillo: I know there's a lynch mob out there. I think I can use it.
Joyce: There's nothing worse than a gloating Italian.
Eddie: My grandmother was senile. She had so much fun on her birthday. She'd open her present, and drift off, then look back down and see her present, and then she'd be happy all over again.
Mick: That's what my father does with his breakfast cereal.

Domestic Beef [3.02]

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Esterhaus: In light of the continuing and deplorable armed robberies of local ice cream vendors this past month, detectives Belker and Goldblume will undertake a second day of undercover assignment as D K E Tano ice cream drivers.
Hill: Nobody's going to buy ice cream from Belker!
Washington: Look, baby, I know you went to a lot of trouble to line up this opportunity, but I guess I'm just kind of attached to this town, you know?
LaRue: Oh-h-h-h, me too! Hey, don't get me wrong. Hell, I love junkies getting sick on my shoes twice a week, I get off on transvestites' dried blood, people lunging at me with barbecue forks…oh, yeah…this town? Regular joy machine!
Belker: I got a serious problem.
Davenport: Legal?
Belker: No. I forgot it's my mother's birthday today. I haven't gotten her a present yet, and I'm supposed to be there at 6:30.
Davenport: I'm sure she'll understand if you get her a present tomorrow.
Belker: No, she won't understand, Miss Davenport. You don't know my mother.
Davenport: What did you have in mind?
Belker: Suicide.
Furillo: How could you just quit?
Fay: Well, I figured I didn't have much of a choice when he called me into his office and stood up behind his desk, naked from the waist down!
Miss Fowler: Is there any particular reason you'd like to leave your present position?
LaRue: [chuckling] Excuse me, but you're asking me why, after twelve years in one of the worst urban wastelands in this country, I'd risk a substantial raise in salary to work in the Bahamas?
Miss Fowler: Your point is well made.

Heat Rash [3.03]

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Belker: I'm supposed to spend four whole days giving some Hollywood dirt bag some girl scout tour of this precinct?
Furillo: Precisely.
Belker: [walks out into hallway to greet his Hollywood charge] C'mon, spittoon face.
Coffey: Look, Mr. Smith, we've come to get your telephone. Can you just tell us where it is?
Smith: You'll never find it! I-I dropped it in a time warp… between 1771 and 44 A.D.
Lt. Hunter: Keenly interested as I am in the opinion of coffee-shop help, madam, I must nonetheless insist that you exchange this brûlée grotesque for one medium rare. In addition to which, you will henceforth address me as "Lieutenant."
Waitress: Forget it, honey.
Lt. Hunter: Take it back, you impertinent scullery maid! Take it back, I say!
Waitress: Don’t you bark at me, buster. I’ve been serving you the same slop five days a week for four years running, and the most you ever left me was a quarter!
Lt. Hunter: Perhaps if you did your job properly, you’d be compensated properly! Why, in Saudi Arabia, you’d be physically maimed for this sort of malfeasance!
Waitress: You don't get squat from me, you two-bit Nazi!
Belker: Look, hairball, I'll tell you this: I got stuff that took me two weeks to set up. Tomorrow you find yourself a new babysitter.
Washington: [holding up a bag of drugs] Oh, man, look at all this powdered sugar! What were you doing, my man, making a cake?
Smith: I get a phone call, don't I?
Bates: One ten-cent call. That's it.
Coffey: And no intergalactic area codes, okay?

Rain of Terror [3.04]

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Furillo: A lot of people have soiled themselves in doing what they thought was right!
Hill: [to Renko] You're not getting' older. You're getting' downright maudlin.
Cheryl: Excuse me, officer.
Renko: What?
Cheryl: I'd like to report a misdemeanor.
Renko: You talking to me?
Cheryl: Aside from your partner, I don't see any other uniforms in here.
Renko: Well, I guess you're right. Uh, ma'am, what is the nature of the complaint?
Cheryl: How about "breach of contract" for starters. My lunch date's a no-show.
Renko: [smiles] Well, I'd call that a major felony, ma'am. [looks her up and down]. Judging by your appearances, I'd say the suspect has a major chance of acquittal through temporary insanity.
Hunter: Frank, my life is an unfired shot. No wife, no children, no one to give my love to.

Officer of the Year [3.05]

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Goldblume: Don't worry, Fay. Running away from home is as American as apple pie.
Fay: Is he here? Please tell me he's here!
Furillo: Who?
Fay: Frank, junior. He's missing!
Furillo: What do you mean "missing"?
Fay: We had a fight at breakfast. See, he wanted to go camping next weekend with the Benjamins and I told him he couldn't, and he stormed out of the house in a kind of Mediterranean rage he could have only inherited from- [stops short]
Arrestee: Not bad, honkey. Want me to frisk her for you?
Renko: What I would like you to do is to shut your face before I relocate it for you in the vicinity of your butt.
Teresa: Nice place you got here.
LaRue: I'm tellin' ya man, it's a miscarriage of justice putting that little bozo in a massage parlor. Belker wouldn't know a good massage if it came up and bit him. Matter of fact, that is Belker's idea of a good massage.
Talkative Arrestee: You see, that license don't mutilate for two more years.

Stan the Man [3.06]

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Nurse Wolfowitz: Howard! Don't you put your pants on! We were discussing phone calls!
Nurse Wolfowitz: Do you want us to see each other?
Hunter: I do! I – I am such a fumble tongue. You know, I'm very articulate in command.
Nurse Wolfowitz: Give me an order, Lieutenant.
Hunter: Kiss me, Nurse Wolfowitz.
Nurse Wolfowitz: Howard… [she kisses him]

Little Boil Blue [3.07]

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Fay: I am a journalist, not a-a ghoul!
Furillo: Anything wrong?
Fay: [after a wino threw up on her] My best pair of boots just got saluted by one of your wine stewards!

Requiem For a Hairbag [3.08]

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Fay: [describing the people who burglarized her house] You see, they not only took things, they also left something. A small token of their esteem! In the living room…on the rug!
Councilman Detweiler: I am going to bury you and your chief deeper than we just planted that piece of dirt back there [gesturing towards Maizel's gravesite].
Eddie: Mick, this handsome, middle-aged man asked me for a match. I said, "How about you and me?" What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.
Hunter: Linda, may I speak freely?
Linda: I wish you would.
Hunter: Since meeting you I've realized that there has been a part of my life that has been AWOL for longer than I care to admit. It's time I checked out of the POQ and went TDY. I long for the kitschy detail of little feet marching.
Linda: Are you reenlisting?
Hunter: I want to make an honest woman out of you. I want you to be my wife.
Linda: Oh-oh, my darling Howard! I love you so! [they begin passionately embracing and kissing]
Hunter: Then it's "yes"?
Linda: No.
Hunter: I was wondering if I could ask you a direct, personal question.
Goldblume: Sure, fire away.
Hunter: What is it like being a Hebrew?
Goldblume: What's it like being human, Howard?
Hunter: Well, it's no cakewalk.

A Hair of the Dog [3.09]

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Chief Daniels: We're not talking dog, Frank. We're talking image! And like it or not, this over-bred lapdog has a higher gubernatorial profile than the state bird, whatever the hell it is.
Goldblume: Uh, swallow, sir.
Furillo: Whatever happened to serious journalism?
Davenport: It died years ago, Furillo, at the hands of a blow dryer.
Eddie: [picks up video tape from Mick's desk] Oh my, Michael. "Gentlemen Prefer Leather"?
Belker: It's evidence, you Hairball.
Renko: I'm already integrated.
Hill: That's right...I'm your daddy!

Phantom of the Hill [3.10]

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Hunter: [after the dog urinates on him] Damn foreign breed! Give me a Shepherd any day!
Eddie: I have no place to go. I was wondering, uh, if I could stay with you.
Belker: Are you nuts? Absolutely not. [relents] Okay, but just this one time.
Eddie: Oh, thank you, Mick! I'll make you a breakfast fit for a king!
Belker: You make me breakfast, I'll ram it down your throat.
Eddie: You're such a treasure!

No Body's Perfect [3.11]

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Grace: [to Phil] There's still frontiers of passion we need to penetrate!

Santaclaustraphobia [3.12]

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Hunter: Tell me, Henry, what do Jews do at Christmas?
Goldblume: I don't know, Howard. Go to Miami?

Gung Ho [3.13]

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Belker: You sure you don't want to go get some dinner?
Tattaglia: Jews and Italians…you're going to eat your way through grief!
Furillo: [referring to being ill from the bad Chinese] If I die, promise me you'll sue?
Davenport: Count on it.
Renko: [referring to the line outside the men's room after everyone ate Gung Ho's Chinese] The Mayflower's on the high seas, and all of her crew's come down with scurvy!
Hunter: We are the dentists of society, Henry, fighting a losing battle of urban decay!
Coffey: You know how Houdini died? Getting punched when he wasn't ready!
Bates: Yeah, well you need to work on your disappearing act!

Moon Over Uranus [3.14]

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Furillo: And if you get the job?
Davenport: I won't make any decision without talking to you, Pizza Man. Anyway, I probably won't get it.
Furillo: You probably will.
Survivalist Detainee: You. You're the first.
Davenport: First what?
Survivalist Detainee: The first of fifty women destined to perpetuate the species and save civilization as we know it.
Survivalist Detainee: I need fifty good women!
Coffey: Don't we all.

Moon Over Uranus: the Sequel [3.15]

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Hunter: [to Furillo] It seems to this old warhorse that all your starch is in your shirt!
Hunter: [in a megaphone to the minorities on Decker Avenue] Your activities on this block from henceforth will be monitored with the scrupulousness that Othello brought to bear on Desdemona. You will be wearing our attention like a pair of stolen jeans!
Esterhaus: Well, it appears that a pair of our detectives were involved in a bit of street theater… their thespian exuberance got somewhat carried away.
Furillo: Our detectives?
Esterhaus: Yes, John LaRue shot Neal Washington.
Fay: Contrary to what you think, when it's called for, I am perfectly capable of self-restraint!
Coffey: [on Renko's moped] Renko, did you put your Harley in the dryer again?

Moon Over Uranus: the Final Legacy [3.16]

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Hunter: [seeing the tank roll down the block] Totally unauthorized, of course…but the sight of that heavy metal still sends a shiver up the ol' bowels!
Fay: [to her judge boyfriend, after he ditches her for someone else] Why settle for second-hand polyester when you can have virgin wool?
Schnitz: [seeing Ray in his toupee for the first time] That was the lieutenant, wasn't it?
Hunter: I believe so, Schnitz. Either that, or an overly familiar tango instructor.

The Belles of St. Mary's [3.17]

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Hill: You've got several hundred dollars worth of parking tickets in there!
Vic: Well, I'll be darned! You can have the whole lot for $29.95.
Belker: Home address?
Freddie: We got us a room down on Decker. There ain't no address on account they tore it down when they condemned the building.
Vic: You know what I did once? I yelled "fire" at a urologist convention. That's dangerous!
Vic: Do you ever try a little humor in your work?
Renko: Do you ever try paying your parking tickets?
Vic: Once. It cost me some money.
Ray: I am jealous. I'm jealous, I am ambitious, and I am afraid.
Goldblume: Welcome to the human race, Ray.

Life in the Minors [3.18]

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Hunter: [after Leo gives money to a drug addict to get the precinct's breakfast] Leo, did I just see you assign that single-helixed mutoid to today's breakfast run?
Schnitz: Yeah, I figured a little responsibility might help.
Howard: Judas H. on horseback! Don't you know that once he is on the street, that money goes directly to rearranging the molecular chemistry of his cerebellum?
Robin: You're doing it again, Mick. You're being a Jewish mother! I'm going to ignore it.
Vic: Listen, I picked up a chick at lunch today. Has the gall to tell me that I'm a lousy lover. I tell her, "Sweetheart, don't be ridiculous. You can't decide something like that in two minutes."
Washington: [to LaRue after he watches him come on to Kristie, the high-schooler] I'm just going to say three words to you, baby: "Statu Tory Rape."

Eugene's Comedy Empire Strikes Back [3.19]

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Mrs. Schnitz: [after finding out that Leo invested their money in a dried up comic] I hope you enjoy this, Leo! I hope this is worth a life without sex!
Bates: Did you get the results?
Coffey: Of what, the lie detector test?
Bates: No, your pap smear, Joe.
Punk: What are you, my mother?
Bates: Do I look like a test tube?
Furillo: [on their wedding night] You think I could get a kiss, Mrs. Furillo?
Davenport: The name's Davenport.
Furillo: [surprised, but calm] I can live with that.

Spotlight on Rico [3.20]

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Benedetto: Look, Country. I got some work to do here. I don't want to be worrying about my back.
Renko: Don't worry about your back, pal. Worry about your personality.
Furillo: I know what you did to Officer Renko, Lieutenant, and I know what Officer Hill did to you.
Benedetto: Yeah, well, everything's okay. I squared with both of them.
Furillo: That's not the point. If you'd been on my roster you'd have been out the next day. We don't have any "wild wests" show up here and we don't have any freelancers. You operate under this precinct you're gonna clear procedure and you're going to go by the book. Understood?
Benedetto: Gotcha.
Furillo: That's the "B" answer. The "A" answer is "Yes, Captain!"
Furillo: [about Faye meeting with Joyce] Maybe just the two of you. You're going to have to get together and come to terms sooner or later.
Faye: Okay! She can call me! I'm in the book!…Under "Furillo…"
Washington: LaRue's got a couple of rough edges, so what?
Benedetto: I know guys in midtown who take his career bio for light reading in the john…you take away the rough edges and all you got is a Rolex and a cheap pair of loafers.

Buddy, Can You Spare a Heart? [3.21]

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LaRue: [presenting a cow's heart, which he tries to pass off as Buddy Gannett's, for the bet] Hey, Benedetto. Check it out. I don't know too much about anatomy, gentlemen, but that sure looks like a heart to me.
Benedetto: Lame, LaRue, no sale.
LaRue: Hey, whoa whoa…what are you talking about? We don't dig bookies that welch up here! That's Buddy Gannett's ticker!
Benedetto: Yeah? And where's his udder?
LaRue: What's he mean?
Washington: I think the man means, he believes that's a cow's heart, J.D.
LaRue: Bull.
Benedetto: Could be.
LaRue: [about Benedetto] The guy's a snail, Neal! He leaves a trail of slime wherever he goes!
Benedetto: Let a broad find out she can get away with busting your chops and it's "goodnight nurse."
Hunter: One might argue that a DJ and a junkie are not worlds apart on the evolutionary ladder.
Belker: [watching lustily after the chicken heart LaRue picks up from the butcher] What are you going to do with it, LaRue? I mean, after you're finished snookering Benedetto?
LaRue: What do you mean, "what am I going to do with it?"
Belker: Best thing is to boil it. And you grind it into a pate, you stuff blintzes in it…I'm telling you, you never tasted anything so good!
LaRue: What, do I look like some kind of urban cannibal here? That's Buddy Gennett's heart – a human being!

A Hill of Beans [3.22]

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LaRue: [to Benedetto] You almost got my partner killed, you fat grease ball! We got a date coming! You put it on the calendar!
Davenport: I, uh, thought we might have lunch today.
Furillo: You're on.
Davenport: How's noon?
Furillo: I'll make a reservation at the Galley.
Davenport: I was thinking more about room service.
Fay: You know there are fathers, and then there are fathers. As it stands right now, my little girl isn't going to have any kind of father at all.
Esterhaus: Fay.
Fay: I'd consider it an honor if you'd be her godfather. I mean if you could be there for her when she needs someone to look up to. 'Cause I gotta tell you honestly, I can't think of another man in the world I would prefer her looking up to than you, Mr. Philip Freemason Esterhaus.
La Rue: Once upon a time there was a down-and-out property clerk named Iggy Mursky. Poor Iggy. Fourteen years in the Midtown property cage and all he’s holdin’ is sixteen and a half G’s a year, zero career promos, house and car payments that leave him about eight bucks a week walkin’ around money, and an old lady buggin’ him for cable TV.
Iggy: Leave my family out of this.
Belker: Shh!
La Rue: Poor Iggy! All he’s got to look forward to is a two-bit pension and a first-rate mid-life crisis. Till one day—everything changes! A heavy soda bust.
Belker: Very heavy.
La Rue: Twenty pounds of Peruvian flake is stashed in an airline travel bag in Iggy’s property room. Now let’s give Iggy the benefit of the doubt. ‘Kay, let’s say he’s mindin’ his own business. He’s got his nose buried in the morning sports, he’s having his Danish and coffee, when hark! And behold! He hears a voice! Psst! Iiiiiggy! What is that? Iggy wonders. Hey! Dummy! Over here! It’s me! The bag!
Iggy: This guy needs professional help.
La Rue: I’m a poc-ket-ful of dreams, Iggy. Pure Peruvian flake worth four hundred G’s on the open market! Now this is a fairy tale, huh? Let’s say Iggy fights it off. I mean, ‘cause you didn’t offer us a bribe before, right, Iggy? You ain’t that kind of guy. Iiiiigggy! Listen to me! They’ll never need me for evidence! Hey, they’ll plea-bargain my case—it’ll never come to trial. Stuff me full of baking soda, Iggy! Sell off the coke! Live it up for a change! Beaches! Mai tais with them little funny umbrellas. I’m your one chance for happiness, Iggy. Go for it!
Iggy: Come on, cut it out.
La Rue: Only trouble is, Iggy, they don’t plea-bargain the case. They set a date for the preliminary hearing. Now you’re gettin’ real nervous. Then Washington and Benedetto need some scenery for a bust. They check the bag out. It’s perfect, Iggy. It’s your out. You tip Simone off, to queer the bust. You hire that scuzzbag Jimmy Fermento to take down the cops and nobody’ll ever know you made the switch. Except we pop your boy Jimmy. He’s a nickel hooker. He gives you up in about a minute and a half. That was my partner you had hit, you little creep, my partner. Two inches lower, he’d be dead now.
Iggy: I didn’t have anybody hit. God, what do you think I am?
La Rue: I think you’re a slug who better make his best deal right now.
Iggy: You act like I’m some—some mastermind. Like I’m a big cheese. I got three lousy grand. It was all Benedetto.
La Rue: Benedetto?
Iggy: He figured out the whole thing, from the start. Benedetto.
Hunter: My sun is rising considerably further to the east these days, Henry.
Goldblume: Buffalo?
Furillo: She's Vietnamese.
Goldblume: No kidding? Where'd you meet her?
Howard: Uh, at my Confucian studies seminar. I have bursitis.
LaRue: [egging on Benedetto, who is threatening suicide] C'mon, Benedetto! Do the right thing and pull the trigger!

Cast

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