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Hercules (1997 film)

1997 animated film directed by Ron Clements and John Musker
(Redirected from Hercules)

Hercules is a 1997 film produced by Walt Disney Feature Animation and released by Walt Disney Pictures. It tells the story about the adventures of Hercules, the son of Zeus in Greek mythology.

Directed by John Musker and Ron Clements. Written by Ron Clements, John Musker, Don McEnery, Bob Shaw and Irene Mecchi. Songs by Alan Menken and David Zippel. Score Produced by Alan Menken and includes "Go the Distance" Written by Alan Menken and David Zippel, and performed by Michael Bolton.
A Comedy of Olympian Proportions

Hercules

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  • [to Zeus] But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm...I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm...I'm an action figure!
  • A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero?
  • Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay...And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing?! Man! I thought I had problems!
  • [seeing Megara crushed under a pillar] MEG!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Meg

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  • Well, you know how men are. They think 'No' means 'Yes' and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours.'
  • Thanks, Herc. It's been a real slice.
  • [rushing into Thebes, crying out] Please. Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident!
  • [Hercules walks to the Cyclops] What are you doing?! Without your strength you'll be killed!
  • [seeking a pillar falling, gasps in shock] Hercules, look out! [runs to push him out of the way; the pillar crushes her]
  • [as she lies down dying] Hades' deal is broken. [groans] He promised I wouldn't get hurt. [moans] People always do crazy things... [moans again] when they're in love.
  • You're really choked up about this, aren't you?
  • [to Hades] Then read my lips! Forget it.

Hades

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  • How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh?! [no one replies] So, is this an audience or a mosaic?
  • Love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus.
  • Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting.
  • I’m about to rearrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel who can louse it up.. is waltzing around IN THE WOODS!!!!!!!
  • Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!!!!!!!
  • [as Hydra about to kill Hercules] My favorite part of the game... Sudden death.
  • Game. Set. Match.
  • I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I’ve been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and you are wearing HIS MERCHANDISE!!!!!!
  • He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey! They bet on the wrong horse. Okay?
  • Meg, Meg Meg! My sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but-ever-so-crucial, little, tiny detail? [shouts] I OWN YOU!!!
  • We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What d’ya say? Come on.
  • Ba-boom! Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doin'?
  • [sees the Titans leaving Olympus] Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and KICK SOME OLYMPIAN BUTT!!! [Pegasus blows out his flaming hair] Whoa, is my hair out?
  • [as the Titans attack away from Mount Olympus] Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way. [points in the opposite direction]
  • Zeusy, I'm home!
  • [after Hercules defeated the titans] Thanks a ton, Wonderboy! But at least I've got one swell consolation prize, a friend of yours who's dying to see me.
  • [sees upon Hercules with his body glowing, holding Meg's soul] This is... This is impossible! You, you, you can't be alive! You'd have to be a, a... (Pain and Panic: A god?) [freaks out] Hercules, stop! You can’t do this to me! You can’t- [Hercules punches Hades] Fine. Okay. Listen. Ha! Okay. Well, I deserved that. Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk? You're dad; he's the fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him, and he'd kinda... blow this whole thing off, you know? Meg. Meg, talk to him. Have a little smoochze, and... [Hercules angrily punches him in the face again, only this time, he is sent flying down towards the river of death] GGAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH...!!!!!!!! [splashes into the river of death; grossed out] Eww! [souls go to grab him] Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me!
  • Taxi! TAXI!!!
  • [as the souls pull him down into the abyss] I don't feel so good. I—I'm feeling a little... FLUSHED!!!!!!!!
  • [last lines, as the film closes] What do you say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste in something, but me. I've got nothing. I'm here with nothing. Anybody listening?! It's like, what am I? An echo or something? Hello! Hello! Am I talking to what? HYPERSPACE?! HELLO! IT'S ME! Nobody listens.

Phil

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  • I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses". And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. [Looking at a statue of a soldier in armor] And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! [pause] BUT THAT FURSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once [flicks the statue's heel; it shatters into tiny fragments] and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right...Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment.
  • One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
  • [after being called a goat-man; face turns red in anger] Watch it, pal.
  • You...I got your heel RIGHT HERE! [tackles Tall Thebian with his head, throws punches] I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You- [bites Tall Thebian's butt]
  • [as Hercules fights the Hydra, whose heads multiply as they are cut off] WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!?!
  • [after Hercules defeats the Hydra] YA DID IT, KID! YA DID IT, YOU WON BY A LANDSLIDE!
  • [about Meg] SHE'S A FRAUD!!! She's been playing you for a sap!
  • No no no no no, kid, giving up is for rookies. I came back because I'm not quitting on ya. I'm willing to go the distance. How about you?

Zeus

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  • You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death... HA! Work yourself to death!
  • Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth!
  • Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored!
  • I'm afraid being famous is not the same as being a true hero.
  • SOUND THE ALARM! LAUNCH AN IMMEDIATE COUNTERATTACK! GO! GO!
  • For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home.

The Narrator and the Muses

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The Narrator: [First lines] Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Now that is where our story-
Thalia: Would you listen to him? He's making the story sound like some Greek tragedy!
Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude!
Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling.
Narrator: You go, girl.
Calliope: If there is one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades.
Terpsichore: 'Cause he had an evil plan.
Thalia: [singing] He ran the underworld,
But thought the dead were dull and uncouth
He was as mean as he was ruthless
And that's the gospel truth
He had a plan to shake things up
And that's the gospel truth!

Melpomene: [singing] Young Herc was mortal now
But since he did not drink the last drop,
He still retained his godlike strength,
So thank his lucky star

But Zeus and Hera wept
Because their son could never come home,
They'd have to watch their precious baby
Grow up from afar

Though, Hades' horrid plan
Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth
The boy grew stronger ev'ry day
And that's the gospel truth

Thalia: [singing about Hercules' fame and success] And they slapped his face on ev'ry vase
Clio: [hits Thalia on the head] On ev'ry "vah-se!"

Dialogue

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[First lines; in Mount Olympus; Zeus and the other gods to watching Hera holding baby Hercules. He is giggling]
Hera: Hercules! [He reaches up and removes her tiara. She laughs and takes it back, replacing it on her head] Behave yourself.
[Hera places Hercules back in his crib and the face of Zeus appears above him]
Zeus: Oh, look at this. Look how cute he is. [He blubbers at Hercules]
[Zeus waggles his finger in front of Hercules. Hercules giggles, grabs it and lifts Zeus clear over his crib and holds him there]
Zeus: Hah! Oh, he's strong! Like his Dad, huh?
Hermes: [Moving through a crowd of gods] Whoa! Excuse me! Hot stuff coming through! Excuse me! One side, Ares. [He reaches Hera and hands her a lovely bunch of glowing flowers. She takes them]
Hera: Why, Hermes-they're lovely.
Hermes: Yes, you know I had Orpheus do the arrangement, isn't that too nutty? [He flies up to Zeus] Famous feast, you know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.
[Narcissus is shown, staring into his reflection in a mirror and making kissing sounds. Also, Baby Hercules gets one of Zeus' lightnings and plays with it]
Hera: Darling, keep these away from the baby.
Zeus: Aww...he won't hurt himself. Let the kid have a little fun.
[Baby Hercules tries to eat the lightning, gets zapped, and throws it away in frustration. Three gods jump away from its path, untill Athena hits it with her sword so it hits a pillar, which immediately reappears]
Zeus: [Chuckles and pats Hercules on the head] Ha ha! On behalf of my son, I'd like to thank you all for your wonderful gifts! [Camera shows a huge pile of golden toys and even a rainbow]
Hera: What about our gift, darling?
Zeus: Well, let's see here...we'll take, huh, yes, a little cirrus, and, uh, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus... [he binds the two pieces of cloud together in a little horse shape] and a dash of cumulus. [The last piece of cloud forms wings on the top. Zeus moves the horse-shaped cloud in front of Hercules. Baby Pegasus pokes his head out of the cloud] His name is Pegasus... [Pegasus shakes the rest of the cloud away] and he's all yours, son.
[Pegasus almost falls off Zeus' hand until he realizes he can fly. He flies over to Hercules, who promptly bonks his head against the little horse's. Pegasus neighs happily and licks Hercules. Hercules is about to cry, but Pegasus cuddles in with him and Hercules puts his arms around the horse. The gods around them all 'ooh' and 'aah'. Hera gives Hercules to Zeus]
Hera: Mind his head.
Zeus: He's so tiny.
[Hercules bites the medallion around his neck, but yawns]
Zeus: My boy. My little Hercules. [He tucks Hercules in, kissing him]
Hades: [his first words; offscreen] How sentimental. [camera moves to Hades fast after his voice is heard] You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh?! [all gods look sternly at him] So, is this an audience or a mosaic? Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good. Nice dress. [As he is saying that, he moves from one god to another untill Zeus squeezes him in a hug]
Zeus: Hades! You finally made it! How's things in the underworld? [He plonks his hand heavily on Hades' shoulder]
Hades: [taking Zeus' hand off his shoulder] Ah, well, it's just fine. Y'know, little dark, little gloomy, and there's always "Hey! Full of dead people, whaddya gonna do?" [sees baby Hercules] Ah! There's the little sunspot, little smootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh? [he weaves a sucker with skeleton head out of thin mist] Here you go. Ya just- [Hercules squeezes Hades' finger, causing Hades to pull away in pain] Sheesh! Uh, powerful little tyke.
Zeus: [hugging Hades once again] Come on, Hades. Don't be such a stiff, join the celebration!
Hades: [getting free from the hug again] Hey, love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So... can't. Love to, but can't.
Zeus: You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death... HA! Work yourself to death! [he and the other gods laugh. A chair materialises and Zeus collapses in it, pounding the arms and shaking with laughter] Oh, I kill myself!
Hades: [walks away in annoyance] If only, if only...
[Hades arrives home in Underworld]
Hades: PAIN!
Pain: [running down stairs] Coming, your most lugubriousness! [clumsily trips and painfully bounces down the stairs, accidentally hits on spike claw, painfully screams]
Hades: PANIC!
Panic: [runs down stairs panicked] Oh! I'm sorry. I can handle it!
[Pain pulls himself off the spike claw, Panic clumsily trip flies into the air and accidentally lands his ears on Pain, causing him to scream in pain. Hades rolls his eyes]
Pain: Pain! Oh.
Panic: And Panic! Gah!
Pain and Panic: Reporting for duty!
Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive.
[Pain pulls Panic off him]
Panic: Oh. They're here.
Pain: Mmm-hmm.
Hades: [furiously goes up in flames and angrily yelling at them] WHAT?! The fates are here, and you didn't TELL ME?!?!?!
Pain and Panic: [both yell and turn into worms] WE ARE WORMS! WORTHLESS WORMS! [both start sobbing]
Hades: [calms down, walks away] Memo to me, memo to me. Maim you after my meeting. [Pain and Panic look at each other]
[The scene changes to show the cavern where the three Fates are waiting]
Clotho: Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life...
Atropos: Good and tight. [She cuts a thread with scissors and a woman scream is heard]
Lachesis: Incoming!
[The Fates laugh as a soul enters the cave and flies into a tunnel. The counter above the tunnel now says "Over 5000000001 served"]
Hades: Ladies. Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm-
Fates: [all at once] Late!
Lachesis: We knew you would be.
Clotho: We know everything!
Lachesis: Past.
Clotho: Present!
Atropos: And future. [elbows Panic, whispering] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.
Hades: Great. Great. Anyway, see, Ladies, I was at this party, and I lost track of—
Fates: We know!
Hades: [slightly irritated] Yeah. I know... you know. [He goes over to a map table depicting Greece with pawns of Zeus and the gods] So, here's the deal. Zeus, Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". Now, he has—
Fates: A bouncing baby brat.
Clotho: We know!
Hades: [yelling with his head goes fiery red with angry] I KNOW... [settles down] You know. I know. I got it. I got the concept. So, let me just ask: Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover bid, or what? What do you think?
Lachesis: Um—
Clotho: [silences her] Oh no, you don't. We are not supposed to reveal the future. [A spider lowers out of her nostril, to which she sniffs it back inside]
Hades: Oh wait, I'm sorry. Time out. Can I? Can I ask you a question, by the way? Are you, [to Lachesis, plucking off one her hair strands] did you cut your hair of something? You look fabulous. [Lachesis giggles] I mean, you look like a fate worse then death.
[Lachesis giggles more. Clotho hits her on the head, the eye fells out into the hands of Panic]
Panic: Oh, gross!
Pain: Yech! It's blinkin'! [He kicks it into Hades' hand, who pulls off a dust strand from the eye]
Hades: Ladies, please, my fate... [He puts the eye to Lachesis' hand] is in your lovely hands.
Lachesis: Oh, yeah.
Clotho: All right.
[The eye raises in the air, showing pictures of the future]
Lachesis: In 18 years precisely, The planets will align ever so nicely.
Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
Lachesis: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
Clotho: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
Hades: [excitedly] YES! HADES RULES!
Atropos: A word of caution to this tale...
Hades: [stops short] Excuse me?
Atropos: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.
[The Fates laugh, then disappear]
Hades: [his head goes fiery red with rage] WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?! [calmly] Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. [Later, a bell dings, and a pair of doors open to show Hades and his boys standing in front of a skeleton-decorated vault with a vial shown in the center] Pain? Panic? Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?
Pain: I do not... know!
Panic: You can't. They're immortal?
Hades: Bingo! They're immortal. [He takes a vial with red liquid and camera zooms at it, filling the screen] So, first you got to turn the little sunspot... mortal.
[As Pain and Panic kidnap Hercules, Zeus and Hera are woken up by the commotion.]
Zeus: Huh?
Hera: What? What is it?
Zeus and Hera: [both realize something's wrong] The baby!
[They run to the cradle and find out that Hercules was kidnapped.]
Hera: [shocked] Hercules, oh! [starts sobbing]
Zeus: [outraged; roaring] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [voice echoes]
[Thunder starts raging in Mount Olympus. Pain and Panic are flying down to Earth, carrying Baby Hercules]
Panic: Now, we did it! Zeus is gonna use us for target practice!
Pain: Just hang onto the kid, Panic!
[They fall, and Baby Hercules starts crying]
Panic: Hurry! Let's just kill the kid and get it over with, okay?
Pain: [opening the vial] Here you go, kid. A little Grecian formula.
Panic: Look at that! He's.. changing. [Baby Hercules stops glowing as he drinks the potion] Can we do it now?
Pain: No, no, no, he has to drink the whole potion! Every last drop.
Amphitryon: [offscreen] Who's there? [Pain and Panic run away, dropping the empty vial. It breaks and one last drop falls into the ground] Alcmene, over here.
Alcmene: Oh, you poor thing! Oh, don't cry.
Amphitryon: Is anybody there?
[Pain and Panic look from the bushes]
Panic: Now?
Pain: Now. [Their shadows are shown as they walk and transform into snakes]
Alcmene: Oh well, he must have been abandoned. For so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless us with a child. [Amphitryon reads Hercules' name from a medallion on his neck] Perhaps, they've answered our prayers.
Amphitryion: Perhaps they have... Hercules?
[Pain and Panic, as snakes, attack, but Baby Hercules catches them, and giggling happily, hits them several times against the ground, ties into a knot and throws far away. Amphitryon and Alcmene stare with they jaws dropped]
Pain and Panic: Help, help, help! [they turn to their normal forms]
Panic: Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened.
Pain: You mean, if he finds out!
Panic: Of course he's gonna- If... If is good.
Resolve to country with sheeps baaing. A carriage with a lot of hay moves along the road unnaturally fast, then we see Amphitryon and his horse sitting before it.
Amphitryon: Hercules, slow down! Look out!
[Workers jump out of the way]
Hercules: Oops! S-s-sorry guys!
Worker 1: [angrily shakes his fist at Hercules] Hey, watch where you're goin'!
Worker 2: Sunday driver!
Hercules: [enters the middle of the square and stops]
Amphitryon: Thanks, son. When old Penelope twisted her ankle back there, I thought we were done for.
Hercules: [picks up the haystack] No problem, Pop.
Amphitryon: [puts his hand to stop Hercules] Uh, don't-don't-don't unload just yet. First I have to finagle with Phideas.
Hercules: Okay. [drops the hay on the cart which makes their horse, Penelope, fly up into the sky] Oops, sorry, Penelope.
Amphitryon: Now, Hercules, this time, please just—
Hercules: I know, I know. [catches Penelope] Stay by the cart.
Amphitryon: That's my boy.
Hercules: [stays until he sees a man losing balance with a big clay pot]
Demetrius: Oh, my goodness. Whoa!
Hercules: [catches him just in time] Careful!
Demetrius: [sighs in relief] Why, thank you.
Hercules: No problem.
Demetrius: Why, Hercules! It's you!
Hercules: Let me, let me help you with that.
Demetrius: [takes the pot from Hercules] No, no, no, no, no, I got it. I'm fine, you just run along.
Hercules: You sure?
Demetrius: Oh, yes. Absolutely. [leaves Hercules outside in the street]
A frisbee falls to his feet. Hercules picks it up and sees three boys about his age.
Ithicles: Yo! Give it here! [gasps]
Hercules: [hands discus to Ithicles] Hey, you need an extra guy?
Ithicles: [takes the frisbee from Hercules] Uh.. sorry, Herc. We already got.. five. And we want to keep it an even number.
Hercules: Hey, wait a second. Five isn't an even—
Ithicles: See ya, Herc.
Teenage boy: What a geek!
Teenage boy 2: Destructo boy.
Ithicles: Maybe we should call him "Jerkules".
Teenage boys: [laughing]
Hercules: [angrily sits alone in the center of a square until the frisbee appears above his head]
Ithicles: Heads up!
Hercules: I-I got it!
Ithicles: No! Stop!
Hercules: [hits a pillar, which starts falling] Uh-oh.. Oh no!.. It's okay.. [the pillar starts falling one by one, like domino. He sees that and accidentally throws the pillar he was holding away, but it hits another standing pillar and another domino wave starts going around the square] Hey! Whoa!
Amphitryon: Son!
Hercules: Hang on, Pop! Be right back!
[The two domino waves seem to be aiming at the shop with clay pots]
Demetrius: Oh my! Oh no! Don't! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[The last two pillars stop above the man's head]
Demetrius: [sighs in relief]
Hercules: [running to save him, slips and slides to him fast] Watch out!
Demetrius: [screaming]
[The town square is now destroyed. Hercules stands in the rubble, feeling ashamed of himself, as the citizens leave the area]
Ithicles: [enraged] Nice catch, Jerkules.
Amphitryon: Son-
Demetrius: [enraged] This is the last straw, Amphitryon! [angrily throws the pot on the ground]
Woman: [angrily points at Hercules] That boy is a menace!
Man: [angrily points at Hercules] He's too dangerous to be around normal people!
Townsfolk: [angrily agrees]
Amphitryon: He didn't mean any harm, he's just a kid. He-he just can't control his strength.
Demetrius: [enraged; angrily points to Amphitryon] I am warning you. You keep that-that-that.. freak away from here!
Teenage boy: Freak! Yeah, go away!
[Townsfolk angrily storm off]
[Hercules enters the Temple of Zeus]
Hercules: Oh mighty Zeus, please, hear me and answer my prayer. I need to know: Who am I? Wh-where do I belong? [wind blows, lightning hits the statue of Zeus, flame ignites in braziers...] Huh? [...and the statue of Zeus comes to life]
Zeus: My boy. My little Hercules. [He reaches for Hercules, who runs away, screaming] Hey, hey, hey, hold on kiddo! What's your hurry? After all these years is this a kind of hello to give your father?
Hercules: Father?
Zeus: Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? SURPRISE!!!!!!! Look how you've grown. Why you've got your mother's beautiful eyes... and my strong chin. Hah!
Hercules: I-I don't understand. If you are my father, that would make me a—
Zeus: A god.
Hercules: A god. A god!
Zeus: Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth!
Hercules: But why did you leave me on earth? Didn't you want me?
Zeus: Of course we did. Your mother and I loved you with all our hearts. But someone stole you from us and turned you mortal, and only gods can live on Mount Olympus.
Hercules: And you can't do a thing?
Zeus: I can't, Hercules, but you can!
Hercules: R-really? W-what? I-I'll do anything.
Zeus: Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored!
Hercules: A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero?
Zeus: First, you must seek out Philoctetes, the trainer of heroes.
Hercules: Seek out Philoctetes. Right. I'll-- [he falls off Zeus' palm] Whoa!
Zeus: Whoa! Hold your horses! Which reminds me... [whistles and the Pegasus flies through an opening in the roof] Ha-ha! You probably don't remember Pegasus but you two go way back, son. [Pegasus sniffs Hercules, then bonks foreheads with him and licks him]
Hercules: Oh, Pegasus!
Zeus: He is a magnificient horse. With the brain of a bird.
Hercules: I'll find Philoctetes and become a true hero!
Zeus: That's the spirit!
Hercules: I won't let you down, father! Yee-haw!
Zeus: Good luck, son.
[Hercules flies away to find Philoctetes]
[Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]
Nessus: [looms over him] Step aside, two-legs.
Hercules: [awkwardly] Pardon me, my good, uh...sir, but I demand you release that young...
Meg: [annoyed] Keep moving, junior.
Hercules: ...lady. But you...aren't you...a damsel in distress?
Meg: [struggling in Nessus' grip] I'm a damsel...Ugh! I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.
[Meg walks into the forest and comes upon a rabbit and a small gopher]
Meg: Aw.. how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park.
Pain: [as a bunny] Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny!
Panic: [as a gopher] A-and I'm his gopher.
Pain and Panic: Ta-dah! [they turn into themselves]
Meg: [sighs] I thought I smelled a rat.
Hades: Meg.
Meg: Speak of the devil.
Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut, Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising, and here I am, kind of river guardian-less.
Meg: I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.
Hades: Fine. So, instead of subtracting two years from your sentence, hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay? Give that your best shot.
Meg: Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules!
[Hades freezes in shock; Pain and Panic look nervous]
Panic: Hercules...oh...why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I dunno... maybe we owe him money?
Hades: What... was that name... again?
Meg: Hercules.
Hades: [furiously turns red with fury, then angrily turns away, still red hot] OH!!!
Meg: [continuing seemingly without noticing Hades] He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute. [snaps her fingers]
Pain: Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to-?
Pain and Panic: [spot Hades furiously reaching for them] OH MY GODS!!!
Pain: Run for it!
Hades: [angrily grabs them] So you took care of him, huh?! Dead as a doornail! [holds up his boys] Weren't those your exact words?!
Pain: This might be a different Hercules!
Panic: Yeah, I mean Hercules is a... [Hades angrily chokes him] very popular name nowadays!
Pain: Remember like a few years ago-every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?
Hades: [angrily chokes Pain] I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one SCHLEMIEL... [flings Pain and Panic on the ground, turning them into cockroaches in fear] WHO CAN LOUSE IT UP...IS WALTZING AROUND... IN THE WOODS!!!!!!!! [literally explodes with rage, burning down the entire forest. Meg ducks down from the incoming blaze, and he also starts panting]
Pain: Wait. Wait, big guy. [morph back into normal] We can still cut in on his waltzing.
Panic: That's right! [morphs back into normal] And-And-And at least, we made him mortal, that's a good thing. Didn't we?
Hades: Hmm... [extends his arms and brings Meg, Pain, and Panic closer to him as he instructs them] Fortunately, for the three of you, we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight. And this time, no foul-ups.
[As the Thebans are walking away from Hercules]
Phil: [frustrated] Don't you pea brains get it?! This kid is the genuine article!
Burnt Man: Hey, isn't that goat man who trained Achilles?
Phil: [his face turns red; angry] Watch it, pal.
Tall Thebian: Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot!
Phil: You...I got your heel RIGHT HERE! [furiously tackles Tall Thebian and angrily starts punching him] I'll wipe that STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR FACE! YOU LARBUTT! [violently bites Tall Thebian's butt]
Hercules: [runs to pull Phil away] Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil! [Phil furiously rips a small cloth in his mouth] Phil.
Tall Thebian: What are you crazy?! Sheesh.
Lumpy Woman: Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur.
[Phil angrily spits out a ripped cloth, the Thebans walk away]
Hercules: No, wait! Stop! [sighs and sits down] How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance?
Phil: You'll get your chance; you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster.
Meg: [suddenly enters from the crowd with a urgent warning] Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident!
Hercules: Meg?
Phil: Speaking of disasters.
Meg: Wonderboy! Hercules! Thank goodness!
Hercules: Wha-What's wrong?
Meg: Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge. There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped!
Hercules: Kids? Trapped? [to Phil] Phil, this is great!
Meg: You are really choked up about this, aren't ya?
Hercules: [drags Meg onto Pegasus] Come on!
Meg: No, I...You don't under...I have this terrible fear of [Pegasus takes off in the air] HEEEEEEEIIIIGHTS!
Phil: [gets tired from running] I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo! I'm way behind ya, kid. [starts to run tiredly] I got a fur wedgie.
[Hades practices shooting at targets]
Hades: Pull!
Meg: Nice shooting, Rex.
Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even- [notices Pain wearing Air-Herc sandals] What...are...those?
Pain: Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing.
Hades: I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, [up in flames] and you...are wearing...HIS... MERCHANDISE!!!!!!!!
[Suddenly the sound of slurping can be heard and Hades turns to Panic who is drinking Hercules soda cup; Panic then notices that Hades is angry]
Panic: [chuckles nervously] Thirsty?
[Hades, entirely up in flames, screams in sheer rage; a big explosions far away and the whole stadium rumbles]
Meg: Looks like your game's over. Wonderboy is hitting every curve you throw at him.
Hades: Oh yeah... I wonder if maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him. Meg, my sweet.
Meg: Don't even go there.
Hades: See, he's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness I mean for what? Pandora, it was the box thing, for the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? We simply need to find out Wonderboy's.
Meg: I've done my part. Get your little imps—
Hades: They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need someone who can... handle him as a man.
Meg: Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.
Hades: Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into the jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh?
Meg: Look, I learned my lesson, okay?
Hades: Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down wonder breath and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos [he whispers at her ear] your freedom.
[At the Temple of Zeus]
Hercules: You should have been there, father! I mangled the minotaur, grappled with the Gorgon, Just like Phil told me, I analyzed the situation, controlled my strength and kicked! The crowds went wild! Thank you, thank you.
Zeus: Hah! You're doin' great, son. You're doin' your old man proud!
Hercules: I am glad to hear you say that, father. I've been waiting for this day a long time.
Zeus: Hmm.. What day is that, son?
Hercules: The day I rejoin the gods.
Zeus: You've done wonderfully, you really have, my boy. You're just not there yet. You haven't proved yourself a true hero.
Hercules: But father, I've beaten every single monster I've come up against. I'm-I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm-- I'm an action figure!
Zeus: I'm afraid being famous is not the same as being a true hero.
Hercules: What more can I do?
Zeus: It's something you have to discover for yourself.
Hercules: But how can I--
Zeus: Look inside your heart... [Lightning strikes and statue of Zeus becomes inanimate]
Hercules: Father, wait!
[Hades appears at the garden]
Hades: Hey, what's the buzz, huh, Meg? What is the weak link in the Wonderboy's chain?
Meg: Get yourself another girl, I'm through.
Hades: I'm sorry. Do you mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something.
Meg: Then read my lips! Forget it!
Hades: Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail? [losing control of his head goes fiery red with rage and yelling at Meg] I OWN YOU!!!!!!!!
Phil: [comes in on the ground] Oh. I got another horn here...
Hades: [to Meg] YOU WORK FOR ME!
Phil: That kid's gonna be doin' laps for a month.
Hades: If I say, "sing", you say, "hey, name that tune" If I say, "I want Wonderboy's head on a platter" you say—
Meg: Medium or well done.
Phil: Oh! I knew that dame was trouble. This is gonna break the kid's heart.
Meg: I'll work on that.
[Phil runs away]
Hades: I'm sorry... You hear that sound? That's the sound of your freedom fluttering out the window forever.
Meg: I don't care. I'm not gonna help you hurt him.
Hades: I can't believe you're getting so worked up about some guy.
Meg: This one is different. He's honest, and-and he's sweet—
Hades: Please!
Meg: He would never do anything to hurt me.
Hades: He's a guy!
Meg: Besides, oh, oneness, you can't beat him. He has no weaknesses, he's gonna—
Hades: I think... he does, Meg. I truly think... he does.
[At the stadium, Hercules is doing exercises]
Hercules: Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! [Phil walks in, sad and just explained to Hercules that Meg is a traitor but he ignores him] Hey, Phil! What happened to you?
Phil: Kid, we gotta talk.
Hercules: Oh, Phil, I just had the greatest day of my life! I-I can't stop thinking about Meg. She's something else.
Phil: Kid, I'm tryin' to talk to ya! Will you come down here and listen?
Hercules: Aw, how can I come down there when I'm feeling so up? [jumps up into clouds]
[Meanwhile a pegasus mare appears and makes the Pegasus follow her. In a pen, the mare splits in two parts which turn into Pain and Panic]
Pain: Gotcha!
[back on the stadium]
Phil: Ah, very nice! What I'm trying to say is—
Hercules: That if it wasn't for you, I never would have met her. Oh, I owe ya big time. Little guy, I do.
Phil: Will you just knock it off for a couple of seconds?
Hercules: Rule #38, Come on, Phil, keep them up there, huh? Phil, I got two words for ya: Duck!
Phil: Listen to me! She's—
Hercules: A dream come true?
Phil: Not exactly.
Hercules: More beautiful then Aphrodite?
Phil: Aside from that!
Hercules: The most wonderful—
Phil: SHE'S A FRAAAAAUUUUUUUUD! She's been playing you for a sap!
Hercules: [incredulous] Oh, come on, stop kidding around.
Phil: I'm NOT kidding around!
Hercules: I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to-
Phil: Kid, you're missing the point!
Hercules: Point is: I LOVE her.
Phil: She don't love you!
Hercules: You're crazy!
Phil: She's nothing but a two-timin'-
Hercules: [angrily] STOP IT!
Phil: -no good, LYIN, SCHEMING-
Hercules: [in his anger, he suddenly turns around and accidentally slaps Phil] SHUT UP!!!! [due to the strength of the slap, Phil is knocked away and crashes into a pile of weights and chains; Hercules is horrified of what he has done, and Phil looks at him, just as shocked] Phil, I...I didn't mean...Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
Phil: Okay. Okay, that's it. You won't face the truth? Fine.
Hercules: Phil, wait. Where are you going?
Phil: I'm hopping the first barge outta here. I'm going home.
Hercules: FINE! G-GO! I don't- I don't need you. [starts lifting a heavy weight]
Phil: [stops and looks back; to himself] I thought you were going to be the all-time champ. [Hercules stops lifting] Not the all-time chump. [leaves]
[Hercules looks back at him with a look of guilt and regret with Hades appears, lying casually on the bar Hercules uses for exercises]
Hades: Geez, Louise. What's got his goat, huh? [swings down] Baboom. My name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doing?
Hercules: Not now, okay.
Hades: Hey, wait, I only need a few seconds, and I'm a fast learner, right? You see, I've had this major deal in the works...a real estate venture, if you will. And Herc, you little devil, you, may I call you Herc? You seem to be constantly getting in the way of things, right?
Hercules: You have the wrong guy.
Hades: Hear me out, ya little - heh-heh. Just -hear me out, okay? Well I would be...eternally grateful if you would just...take a day off from this hero business of yours. Jeez, I mean monsters, natural disasters. Phew. You wait a day?
Hercules: You're out of your mind. [starts to turn away]
Hades: Not so fast, because, ya see...I have this one, a little leverage, you might wanna know about. [snaps his finger and Meg appears]
Hercules: Meg!
Meg: Don't listen, Herc– [she is cut off until Hades binds and gags her, but makes her disappear again]
Hercules: Let her go!
Hades: Here's the trade-off. You give up your strength for about 24 hours, alright? Say the next 24 hours and [Meg reappears, still bounded and gagged] Meg here is free as a bird and safe from harm. We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. Whaddya say? C'mon.
Hercules: People are...are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
Hades: Nah! I mean, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, y'know, it's war - but what can I tell ya? Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh? Isn't Meg - little smoochy face - isn't she more important than they are?
Hercules: Stop it!
Hades: Isn't she?!
Hercules: You gonna swear she'll be safe from any harm.
Hades: Fine, okay, I'll give ya that one. Meg is safe, otherwise you get your strength right back, yadda-yadda, fine print, boiler plate, baboom. Alright? We're done. Whaddya say we shake on it? [Hercules hesitates] Hey, I really don't have, like, time to bat this around. I'm kind of on a schedule here, I have plans for August, alright? I need a response, like, now. Going once, going twice...
Hercules: Alright!
Hades: Yes, we're there! Bam! [they shake hands and Hercules' strength drains from him] You may feel just a little queasy, it's kinda natural...perhaps you should SIT DOWN!!! [picks up a dumbbell and fires it at Hercules, pinning him underneath it] Now you know how it feels to be just like everybody else. Isn't this just... peachy? Oh! You'll love this - one more fact. Meg... babe. A deal's a deal. You're off the hook. [frees her] By the way, Herc. Is she not, like, a famous little actress? [starts dancing with Meg]
Meg: Stop that.
Hercules: What do you mean?
Hades: I mean your little chickie-poo here was working for me all the time. Duh.
Hercules: You're-You're lying!
[Hades motions towards Pain and Panic, who are disguised as the boys again]
Panic: [as a boy] Help! [Coughs]
Pain: [as another boy] Jeepers, mister, you're really strong!
[They turn back themselves and start laughing at him]
Hades: [to Meg] Couldn't have done it with you, sweetheart, babe.
Meg: [pulls apart from Hades and runs over to Hercules] No, it's not like that! I didn't mean to- [Hercules walks away from her] I-I couldn't...I-I'm so sorry.
Pain and Panic: [singing while taunting Hercules] Our hero's a zero! Our hero's a zero!
[Meg starts to cry in regret]
Hades: Well, gotta blaze. There's a whole cosmos up there waiting for me with, hey, my name on it. [Meg starts weeping as he flies away in his chariot] So much for the preliminaries, and now onto the main event!
[Hades approaches the very spot where the Titans are imprisoned]
Hades: Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?!
Titans: ZEUS!
Hades: [releases them] And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?!
Titans: [punch through the ground] DESTROY HIM!
Hades: Good answer.
[The Titans think they are on their way to Olympus]
Hades: Uh, guys? [the Titans face Hades; points at Olympus] Olympus would be that way.
[the Titans head off to Olympus]
Zeus: I NEED MORE THUNDERBOLTS!
Hermes: Uh, Hephaestus has been captured, my Lord. Everyone's been captured! [Pain and Panic get him] I've been captured! Hey, hey! Watch the glasses.
[Pyros and Hydros make a mountain of ice and fire with Zeus on top.]
Hades: Zeusy, I'm home!
Zeus: [shocked] Hades, YOU'RE BEHIND THIS?!
Hades: You are correct, sir!
[Down in the Underworld, Hades throws a tantrum over the failure on Olympus. Pain and Panic dodge a blast of fire burning the map table, as the room is now in shreds]
Hades: [ranting angrily with the flames] WE WERE SO CLOSE!!!!!!!! So close. We tripped the finish line. Why? because our little nut, Meg, has to go all noble.
[The three feel the earth shake, and Cerberus the three-headed dog breaks inside the room, with Hercules standing on top of his middle head]
Hercules: [confronting Hades] Where's Meg?
Hades: Oh, look who's here. Wonderboy, you are too much.
Hercules: [angrily jumping down and grabs Hades by the front of his robe] Let...her...go.
Hades: [taking Hercules' hands off his robe] Get a grip! Come here, come here. Let me show you around. [They walk around the Underworld] Hmph. Well, well. It's a small underworld after all, huh? [They come to the shore of a river. Hercules sees Meg in it]
Hercules: Meg! Ahhh! [His hands turn old as he touches the water. When he draws them out, they turn back to normal]
Hades: No, no, no. Mustn't touch. You see, Meg's running with a new crowd these days. And not a very lively one, at that.
Hercules: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.
Hades: Oh, well. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.
Hercules: Going once!
Hades: Hmm. Is there a downside to this?
Hercules: Going twice!
Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out- she goes, you stay. [Hercules jumps into the river of death] Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?
[Hercules keeps swimming in the river, growing older and older. The Fates hold up his thread of life, and Atropos goes to cut the thread of life, but it suddenly shines, and the scissors can't cut it]
Atropos: Oh?
Lachesis: What's the matter with these scissors?
Clotho: The thread won't cut!
[At the same time, Hercules floats out from the river with Meg's soul and climbs up the cliff, holding Meg's soul in his arms, as he shines brightly]
Hades: This is... This is impossible! You, you, you can't be alive! You'd have to be a, a...
Pain and Panic: A god?
[At last, Hercules has re-achieved his immortality, as Hades loses his temper, burning in flames as usual]
Hades: Hercules, stop! You can’t do this to me! You can’t- [Hercules hits him in the face] Fine. Okay. Listen. Ha! Okay. Well, I deserved that. Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk? You're dad; he's the fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him, and he'd kinda... blow this whole thing off, you know? Meg. Meg, talk to him. Have a little smoochze, and... [Hercules angrily punches him in the face, only this time, he is sent flying down towards the river of death] GGAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH...!!!!!!!! [splashes into the river of death; grossed out] Eww! [souls go to grab him] Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! Ooh, ah—
Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.
Pain: You mean, if he gets outta there.
Panic: If. If is good.
Hades: [his last words before his death] Taxi! TAXI!!! [as the souls pull him down into the abyss] I don't feel so good. I—I'm feeling a little... FLUSHED!!!!!!!! [He disappears into the lakebed]
[At outside, Hercules brings the soul of Meg and puts it inside her body]
Meg: Wonderboy, what-- why did you—
Hercules: Huh. People always do crazy things... when they are in love.
[they go for a kiss, but suddenly a cloud appears under their feet, sent by Zeus, and they fly to Olympus]
Phil: Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Whoo! [Pegasus picks him up and brings along]
[Olympus (restored already). A crowd of gods welcome Hercules]
Ares: Three cheers for the mighty Hercules!
Hermes: Oh, Yeah! Flowers for everybody! Oh!
Hera: Hercules, we're so proud of you.
Hercules: Mother.
Zeus: Hah! Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero.
Hera: You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman.
Zeus: For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home.
[Gates open, gods cheer for Hercules. Meg is left behind.]
Meg: Congratulations, Wonderboy. You'll make one heck of a god.
Hercules: [turns around and sees her leaving] Father, this is the moment I've always dreamed of. But... [He comes to Megara and takes her hand] A life without Meg, even an immortal life, would be... empty. I-- I wish to stay on Earth with her. I finally know where I belong.
[Zeus nods, they finally kiss and Hercules stops shining]

MICHAEL BOLTON lyrics (Go the Distance)

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Michael Bolton: I have often dreamed of a far-off place / Where a hero's welcome will be waiting for me / Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face / And a voice keeps saying, "This is where I'm meant to be."| I'll be there someday, I can go the distance / I will find my way, if I can be strong / I know every mile will be worth my while / When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong| Down an unknown road, to embrace my fate / Though the road may wander, it will lead me to you / And a thousand years would be worth the wait / It might take a lifetime, but somehow I'll see it through| And I won't look back, I can go the distance / And I'll stay on track, no, I won't accept defeat / It's an uphill slope, but I won't lose hope / 'Til I go the distance and my journey is complete| But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part, / For a hero's strength is measured by his heart| Like a shooting star, I will go the distance / I will search the world, I will face its harms / I don't care how far, I can go the distance / I will go the distance / 'Til I find my hero's welcome, waiting in your arms| I will search the world, I will face its harms / 'Til I find my hero's welcome, waiting in your arms [song fades]

Taglines

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  • A Comedy of Epic Proportions
  • Happy IV of July!
  • Zero to Hero!
  • Who puts the GLAD in GLADIATOR?
  • You can run but you can't Hydra!

Cast

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