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Gravity Falls

American animated television series

Gravity Falls (2012–2016) is an American animated television series which premiered on the Disney Channel in 2012.

Season 1

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Tourist Trapped [1.01]

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Mabel: [whispering] He's looking at it, he's looking at it!
A boy: [reading from a letter] Uhh, do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely?
Mabel: [whispering] I rigged it!
Mabel: Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me! [turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]
Dipper: Ah!
Mabel: Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. [in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman] That was fun.
Grunkle Stan: And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face.
Crowd member: Does it look like a rock?
Grunkle Stan: No, it looks like a face.
Another crowd member: Is it a face?
Grunkle Stan: It's a rock that looks like a face!
[Dipper pokes in through the crowd]
Dipper: Over here! Grunkle Stan?
Grunkle Stan: For the fifth time, it's not an actual face!
Dipper: Hey, hey! Let go of my sister!
Jeff (the gnome leader): Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just marrying all 1,000 of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey?
Mabel: You guys are butt-faces!

The Legend of the Gobblewonker [1.02]

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Grunkle Stan: It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals.
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our last family bonding day?
[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan making Aardvark.]
Grunkle Stan: You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman! [Sirens in distance] Uh-oh.
[Back to present]
Mabel: The county jail was so cold...
Grunkle Stan: Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?
Dipper and Mabel: YAY!
Dipper: Wait, what?
[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:]
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, are you wearing a blindfold?
Grunkle Stan: Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? [drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]
Dipper and Mabel: AAAHH!
Dipper: Grunkle Stan why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden?
Grunkle Stan: C'mon this is gonna be great! I've never had fishin' buddies before. The guys at the lodge won't go with me. They don't (Stan using air quotes) LIKE or TRUST me.
[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]
Beaver 1: [subtitled] I love cavorting!
Beaver 2: [subtitled] That deserves a hug! [The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides right off]
Dipper: But, w-what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise.
[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]
Soos: Sweet! Beaver with a chainsaw!
Dipper: Maybe that old guy was crazy after all...
Mabel: He did use the word "scrabdoodle"...
[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat.]
Reginald: Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you.
Rosanna: Oh, Reginald!
[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]
Stan: Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better! (Awkward silence) Her aim is gettin' better! Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible! [the couple row away from him] WHAT?!
Grunkle Stan: Grr....Gaa! Molly-coddling!!
[Stan is trying to untie a wad of fishing line, alone in his boat, and overhears a nearby family while they are fishing.]
Boy: Can you please tell me more funny stories Pop-Pop?
Pop-Pop: Anything for my fishin' buddies! (Pop-Pop laughs and Stan is visibly frustrated)
Grunkle Stan: Arghhh!!
Boy: Pop-Pop I just wealized that...I wuv you!
Grunkle Stan: (Yelling) Ahhhh!! C'MON!!! Boo!! BOOO!!!
[During the ending credits]
[Mabel has her hand on the lower bill of a pelican using it like a puppet to tell a joke, thoroughly aggravating Dipper]
Pelican Mabel: (Deep raspy voice) Who wants to hear a joke?
Dipper: Not me
Pelican Mabel: Heh-Ha! Yeah ya do. Here it goes!...Why did the Pel-ican get kicked out of the res-taurant?
Dipper: I DON'T CARE!!!
Pelican Mabel: Cuz he had a very BIG BILL!!! La-la-la-la Yuk-yuk-yuk!
Dipper: OHHH! BOO! Bad Joke! Bad Pelican Joke!
Pelican Mabel: Blah-Blah-Blah!

Headhunters [1.03]

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Mabel and Biker: Three, four, five, six.
Mabel: Your wife is going to be beautiful!
Biker: Yes!
Dipper: Mabel! We've got a big break in the case!
Biker: But will she love me?!
Stan: But enough about me. Behold, me! [reveals wax figure of himself]
[flashback to the haunted garage sale where a constantly sweating seller shows the cursed wax figures to Stan]
Seller: I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price.
Stan: [looks at price tag] Twenty dollars?! I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'.
Seller: What?
Stan: I said I was gonna rob ya.
[Dipper fights against Wax Sherlock Holmes atop the Mystery Shack]
Wax Holmes: You really think you can outwit me, boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you seen my magnifying glass?! It's enormous!

The Hand That Rocks the Mabel [1.04]

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Stan: For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible Sack of Mystery. When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears!
Various tourists: [putting money in the bag] Oh, yeah! That makes perfect sense! Wow, what a nice man! That was totally worth the drive!
[Mabel surprises Dipper with her new makeover and manicured fingernails]
Mabel: Hey, Dipper. What's going on? [Dipper swats her hands away and gets up]
Dipper: Whoa, where have you been? And what's going on with those fingernails? You look like a... wolverine.
Mabel: I know, right? Rawr! I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man!
Dipper: Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head.
Mabel: Oh, leave him alone! You never wanna do girly stuff with me! You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time.
Dipper: What do you mean? [Soos comes in holding a pack of hot dogs to Dipper]
Soos: Hey, dude! You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave, one by one?
Dipper: [excited] Am I?!
[They both run off and turn on the microwave, laughing at the popping sounds while Mabel stands there]
Soos: [guffawing] Oh, dude!
Dipper: One at a time! One at a time!
[At the gift shop, Stan shows Soos, Wendy and Dipper a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together]
Stan: Hey, hey! What the Jekyll is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon?
Wendy: [browses her cellphone] Oh yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight.
Stan: [shocked and outraged] WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece?!!
Soos: I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mab-ideon? Gide-Abel? [Gasps] Ma-gid-bel-eon!
[Stan angrily throws the newspaper on the floor and leaves]
Dipper: I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to!
Stan: [walking out the door] Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop right now! [Slams the door]
[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]
Bud Gleeful: Well, well! Stanford Pines! What brings you here?
Stan: Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon.
Bud Gleeful: Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee!
Stan: I don't think...
Bud Gleeful: (cutting him off) Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia!
Stan: Wow. I went to jail there once!
[Dipper sees a nervous Mabel pacing around the living room]
Dipper: What in the heck happened on that date?
Mabel: I don't know! I was in the friend zone—and then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! [grabs Dipper] Chubby quicksand!
Dipper: Mabel, come on. It's not like you're gonna have to marry Gideon. [Stan walks in wearing a t-shirt that says 'Team Gideon']
Stan: Great news, Mabel! You have to marry Gideon!
Mabel: [shocked and appalled] WHAT?!!
Stan: It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt! [Looks down] Ugh, I am fat.
[Mabel runs out screaming]
Stan: Bodies change, honey! Bodies change.
Dipper: She's (Mabel) never gonna date you, man!
Gideon: That's a lie! And I'm gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend. [Levitates the lamb shears out from a box to kill Dipper]
[Mabel destroys Gideon's amulet]
Gideon: My powers! Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of wittle... ol' me.

The Inconveniencing [1.05]

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Dipper: Mabel, do you believe in ghosts?
Mabel I believe you're a big dork! Hahaha! (Dipper Puts pencil against the globe, making Mabel fall off)
Wendy: And Robbie. You can probably figure him out.
Robbie: Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower.
Dipper: Oh, you mean The Big Muffin!
Robbie: Uh, it's a giant explosion.
[Said tower is shown, with a red graffiti explosion resembling a muffin]
Lee: It kinda does look like a muffin.
Wendy: Come on, Dipper!
Dipper: [climbing over the fence] Okay, okay! Just gotta get a foothold...
Robbie: Dude, your sister did it!
Mabel: [running on the ground sideways in a circle] WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!
Wendy: [to Dipper] ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip.
Mabel: [feeling sick] Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think?
[Mabel hallucinates into a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]
Flavor Pup #1: [speaks gibberish: Elknurg tsurt t'nod!] ('Don't trust Grunkle' backwards)
Flavor Pup #2: Would you like to eat my candy paws?
Mabel: Of course, you little angel! [starts chewing on the paw. Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air.]
Dipper: Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something!
Mabel: [makes a gurgling sound with Smile Dip all over her face, clothes, and her eyes small and green]
Dipper: Mabel?
[zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination: she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing]
Mabel: The future! ...is in the past! Onwards Aoshima!
Aoshima: [moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fists open and spit out rainbows]
Dipper: [shakes Mabel] Mabel! How many of these did you eat?!
Mabel: Bleven...teen...
Dipper: Oh man. [drops Mabel] Oh man, oh man, oh man.
Cereal box Toucan: I'm bonkers for eating you alive! (Holds up a spoon)
Lee: No! (Screams as a stabbing sound is heard)
Nate: Lee! Okay, okay... I'm with you kid! 100%, man!
Pa: [possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice] Welcome.
Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy: (Scream)
Dipper: They got Mabel!
Pa: Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. (Kicks legs and laughs)
Wendy: We're super sorry for hanging out in your store!
Dipper: Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever?
Pa: Well... okay. You're free to go. (Opens doors) But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs!
Nate and Robbie: (Scream and run for the door)
Pa: (Closes doors) Just kidding about the hot dog sale!
Nate: Just let us out of here already!
Pa: I don't like your tone! (Dissolves Nate)
Nate: (Reappears as a hot dog on the stove) No! I'M A HOT DOG!
Pa: It begins. (Makes everything float to the ceiling) Welcome to your home for all eternity!
Wendy: Dipper, what do we do?!
Dipper: DUCK! (Dipper and Wendy duck to avoid a flying shelf)
Wendy: (Points) Quick! In there! (Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant)
Wendy: What do they want from us?!
Dipper: Revenge, I guess?
Wendy: What did we do wrong?
Dipper: Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense!
Wendy: Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things.
Dipper: Wendy, say that last part again.
Wendy: Normal teenage things?
Dipper: Of course! Stay here until I get back! (crawls out of the freezer)
Wendy: Dude, what are you doing?!
Dipper: Hey ghost!
Pa: (twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him)
Dipper: I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager!
Pa: (drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma) Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? (drops Mabel into a pile of candy)
Mabel: WAAH! (Lands in the candy and rubs her head) Ohhh...
Ma: Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store!
Pa: Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants! So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music.
Ma: The lyrics...they were so hateful!

[A rap song blares from a boom box.]

Rapper: Homework's whack, and so are rules! Tucking in your shirt's for fools!
TV Announcer: You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel.
Grunkle Stan: Kids! I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up!
TV Announcer: Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire.
Grunkle Stan: [terrified] KIDS!
Mabel: Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again.
Dipper: Hey! (Picks up a package of Smile Dip) There's still some left!
Mabel: (Slaps it out of his hand) EVIL!
Wendy: Well, I'm probably scarred for life.
Dipper: Yeah, that was pretty crazy.
Wendy: I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay?
Dipper: Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... (gets in the car, to himself) Next time... (gets in the car and sits next to Mabel)
Mabel: OHHHHH... (sees the thing she wrote earlier) What kind of sick joke is this?
[The car drives away from the store, and the lights go out in the store. Cut to credits].

Dipper vs. Manliness [1.06]

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Testosteraur: Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH?! I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs, and FISTS FOR NIPPLES!
Mabel: No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington!
Dipper: I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said.
Stan: Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's... incident.
[Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]
Dipper: Disco girl...comin' through...that girl is you! [Stan opens the bathroom door] DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN!
[End flashback]
Mabel: [grinning] You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation BABBA?!
Dipper: No, I wasn't-- It's not important!
Sheriff Blubbs: Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery!
Deputy Derland: Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles?
[Sheriff Blubbs' shirt is already off.]
Sheriff Blubbs: Quit readin' my mind!
Lazy Susan: [serving Stan and Mabel] Food!
Stan: Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow.
Lazy Susan: Ha! Silly.. silly man...
Mabel: What was that about?
Stan: Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet?
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of...
Stan: Love?
Mabel: ...Mabel!
[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]
Multibear: Child, why have you come here?
Dipper: Multibear, I seek your head! Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads?

Double Dipper [1.07]

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[All The Clones Fighting]

#10: Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away!
Dipper: No friends, it's me, #7.

[They All Look at #7]

#7: That's not me guys! THATS NOT ME!!!

Irrational Treasure [1.08]

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(Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day)
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you coming?
Stan: No thank you! Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me!
Dipper: (In an old-timey accent) There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!
Mabel: (Likewise) Well, hornswaggle my haversack!
(They spit on the ground and runoff, laughing)
Stan: DEAD TO ME!
(Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.)
Stan: Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya?
Man: Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box?
Stan: C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack!
Man: "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression!
Stan: I can't take it anymore. (grabbing the man by the collar) I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!
(Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland run over, batons drawn)
Blubs: Are we gonna have to intervene here?
Stan: Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" (laughs)
(Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks)
Stan: Oh, come on!
Dipper: We're gonna have to break in.
Museum Lady: And here are your balloons; blue and pink!
Dipper: We're in.
Man on Film: If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. (Someone speaks offscreen.) What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief!
(Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland are chasing Dipper Mabel and Quentin Trembley across the top of a train after the three escaped from a crate)
(Blubs is exhausted and Durland is concerned)-
Blubs: There is .... No escape! (out of breath) I gotta take a knee!!
Durland: Are you ok? Can I get you anything?
Blubs: Edward Durland you are a diamond in the rough!
Dipper: Sheriff Blubs do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?
Blubs: I got no choice. Our orders come from the very top!
Dipper: Wait! Quentin did you ever sign an official resignation?
Quentin Trembley: No sir!!! I ate a salamander and jumped out the window!
Quentin Trembley: You've done a great service to your country Mabel! As thanks I'd like to make you an official US congressman!
(Trembley pulls out a top hat and places it on Mabel's head)
Mabel: I'm legalizing EVERYTHING!!
Quentin Trembly: ...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours! Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk.
Mabel: Agreed!
Qeuntin Trembley: Children I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I will always be right here...(Shows Dipper some paper money) On the negative twelve dollar bill!!
Dipper: Whoa! This is worthless!!
Quentin Trembley: It's LESS than worthless my boy!! TREMBLEY AWAY!!!!
(Trembley gets on a horse backwards and rides off)
Mabel: Where do you think he's going?
Dipper: I'm gonna say.... Off a cliff.
Quentin Trembly: Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision!
(Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.)
Quentin Trembly: Very well. But who would you have replace me?
Baby: Mama!
Quentin Trembly: That old crone?!

The Time Traveller's Pig [1.09]

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Mabel: He is such a jerk.
Dipper: Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs.
Mabel: Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the-- [screaming] OH MY GOSH, A PIG! [cut to a shot of "WIN A PIG" stand]
Dipper: Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated.
Wendy: Dude. You lost me.
Dipper: [sighs] I know.
[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]
Dundgren: You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct.
Blendin: It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles!
Lolph: That's a pig, Blendin.
Blendin: [to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away] I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet!
[After a moment's pause]
Dipper: Well, we're still here.
Mabel: Guess he forgot to go back.

Fight Fighters [1.10]

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Mabel: Ugh, poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears.
Stan: Fears are for chumps. That's why I don't have any. [tries to reach an item on a shelf]
Mabel: You want me to go get a ladder?
Stan: We don't have one.
Mabel: What?
Stan You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns, in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, why you ackin' so cray-cray?
Stan: YOU'RE the one who's "ackin' cray-cray"!
Rumble McSkirmish: I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union!
Dipper: Uh, that's gonna be tough. For a number of reasons...
Teenager: [is handed keys to a new car] I love you, Dad!
[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]
Teenager: Oh. My. Car,
Father: We'll just buy another one!
Teenager: I love being rich...
Rumble McSkirmish: You can hide, but you cannot hide!
Rumble McSkirmish: Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby!
Dipper: We need to just learn to hate each other in silence.
Robbie: You mean, like...what girls do?

Little Dipper [1.11]

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Gideon: Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen!
Mabel: NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- [Stops talking and looks below] Gummy Koalas! [is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]
Gideon: [on the phone to Stan] Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them! [pause] This is Gideon, by the way.
Stan: [laughs] Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago.
Gideon: I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo!
Stan: "Text me a photo"? Now you're not even speaking English!
Gideon: But--
[Stan hangs up]

Summerween [1.12]

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[After Gorney re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]
Soos: 'Sup, Gorney?
Gorney: I've been twamatized!
Soos: What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus".
Mabel: I'm so excited!
Dipper: We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy...
Mabel: And have the biggest stomach aches ever!
Dipper: Yeah!
[everyone is watching TV, eating the candies. Grunkle Stan tells everyone the meaning of Summerween]
Stan: You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... [in a wickedly evil voice] PURE EVIL!!
[everyone laughs maniacally and then stops abruptly. There is a pause]
Soos: I ate a man alive tonight. [everyone looks to Soos]

Boss Mabel [1.13]

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(Stan, Mabel and Dipper are watching a game show called CASH WHEEL)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen we now return to CASH WHEEL! Sponsored by CHIPACKERZ! The chip flavored cracker.
Mabel: (munching) They taste just like CHIPS!!
(Stan is leading a group of tourists thru The Mystery Shack)
Stan: Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse! That's -- that's pretty good.
(the tourists are suitably amazed uttering OOOHS and WOW)
Stan: Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy!!!
(Stan draws a curtain revealing Dipper - extremely uncomfortable - half naked with fake wolf ears, fangs and fur pants)
Stan: Oh look at him! All that hair! His body is changing... AHHHH!
(Dipper spits out his fake wolf teeth)
Dipper: Grunkle Stan this is demeaning!!
Stan: WHAT!?! I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word!!
(The tourists all laugh)
Stan: If you throw money at him he dances.
(The tourists throw money at Dipper as he whimpers, jumps around and gets pelted by coins)
Stan: No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work.
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are.
(Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you")
Mabel: Oh! Who's that? Is it Questiony The Question Mark?
Soos: Uhhh...I'm starting to have second thoughts about this Mabel. I keep forgetting my lines...And this costume is more uhhh...revealing than I expected....
(Soos peeks out from the porta potty wearing the Qeustiony The Question Mark get-up)
Mabel: Soos Don't give up! ( Mabel flips through an 80's book called "Succeeding In Management") Anything is possible when you...IMAGINIZE it!!
Stan: [After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."] I'm giving none of this to charity!
Dipper: [Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack] This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes! Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby!
[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, but in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]
Soos: Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions.
[Tour group gasps in shock.]
Stan: [singing reluctantly] I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance.
Mabel [offscreen] DO THE KICKS!!!

Bottomless Pit! [1.14]

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[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]
McGucket: Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my HORRIFYIN' VOICE!!!
[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]
McGucket: YOU CAN RUN, BUT I'LL STILL BE IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!!
Stan: [still falling in the Bottomless Pit] Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story.
Soos: Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story!" [pause] Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever?
[Cut to title card reading: "SOOS' REALLY GREAT PINBALL STORY! Is That a Good Title? Do They Have to Be Puns or Whatever?"]
[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]
Mystery Shack Customer: Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size?
Stan: Never mind the T-shirt! Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face! [stands on the counter, grinning]
Mabel: [leading the customer away] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
[Cut to Stan writing in his office]
Stan: D-doing my taxes!
Dipper: [reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink] Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?
Stan: Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud!
Dipper: ...Might wanna tuck that one away, there. [drops the form into a shredder]
[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]
Circus Performer on TV: [juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles] Do-do-doooo! Oh no! [Dipper and Mabel laugh]
Stan: Sometimes I think: is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death?
[Dipper and Mabel are visibly disturbed.]
[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]
Stan: Where... where are we?
Mabel: [gasps] Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top!
Dipper: [checks his watch] And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.
Soos: Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true.
Stan: But that's impossible! No one will believe us. [leans on the pit's sign]
Mabel: Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.
All: Agreed.
[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]
Mabel: [smiling] He'll be fine.
[During the credits, Stan falls through the Pit again with a bored expression]
Stan: [sighs, long pause] This is stupid.

The Deep End [1.15]

edit
Toby Determined: On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool!
Mabel: Gravity Falls pool?!
Dipper: Today?!
Soos: Pun intended?!
Mabel: Ah, the pool! Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment!
Stan: Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet.
Dipper: [looking at a towel with a sun wearing sunglasses on it] Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses?
Soos: It's best not to think about it.
[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]
Wendy: Hey, Mr. Pines.
Stan: Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard?
Wendy: I am the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka! Boosh! [throws more balloons]
Stan: [fleeing] AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER!
[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]
Dipper: Wow, you work here?
Wendy: I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house.
Dipper: Yeah, you do! [laughs rather exuberantly for a moment, then whispers to himself] I've been laughing for too long.
Soos: Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning.
Dipper: Soos, shhh!!
Mermando: Hola!
Mabel: Whoa! Are you from Australia?
Kid: How long ya in for?
Stan: Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent!
Kid 2: Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary.
Solitary confinement kid: It's the nights that are the hardest.
Mabel: Hey, I brought you a sandwich! It's kind of wet, but it's still good! I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... [whispers] share your secret, beautiful stranger.
Stan: There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair!
Soos: The legends you told me in the car were true!
Mabel: I should've known from your strange foreign fish language!
Mermando: It is Spanish.
Stan: Yes, yes... burn the child!
Gideon: Deal with it!
[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]
Wendy: Soos!
Soos: Inflatable duck guy? Is that you?
Wendy: Yes, Soos!
Soos: I knew you guys were secretly alive! I knew it!
Wendy: My people have been enslaved, Soos! You must free us!
Soos: The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand...
[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]
Mermando: What are you doing with your mouth.
Mabel: Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour.
Mermando: Can I have some candy?
Mabel: ...No.
Mermando: I have never met anyone like you.
Mabel: Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires.
Dipper: I don't remember the vampires.
Mabel: I don't tell you everything!
Dipper: Mabel? Is everyone here tonight?! What, is Soos here too?!
Soos: [Falls off of the fence in the background.] I'm okay!
Dipper: Go home, Soos.
Soos: You got it!
Mabel: Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs.
Mermando: Intriguing...
Dipper: Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever!
Mabel: Okay...I understand. [Trying to distract Dipper] Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini!
Dipper: [Falls for it] Really? At night?
Stan: Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens... This was a good plan.
Mabel: Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR!
Dipper: Mermen don't breathe air!
Mabel: Then give him reverse CPR, doi!
Dipper: [Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's] I hate this... I hate this...
Mabel: [Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together] Haha... blackmail!
[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]
Mermando: Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake?
[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]
Dipper: Agh!

Carpet Diem [1.16]

edit
Dipper: Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever.

[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]

Stan: AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD!
Dipper: Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight?
Soos: Sure, dude. [Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.] You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. [Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.] Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Actually felt kind of good that time...
Dipper: Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. [Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.] Ah, get off! Get away! [Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.] This is still better.
Candy: Candy falls down now!
Mabel: Get ready to be poked by the fun stick! Boop!
Dipper: Ow!
Stan: [Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.] Fight, fight, fight!
Announcer: Baby fights! Will return in a minute.
Stan: TV. It knows what I want.
Stan: Man, that's refreshing! Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. [In high-pitched voice] Thank you, Stan[Normal] Ten more for politeness! Oh, and so sweet!
Mabel: Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face!
Stan: I have seen the face of beauty!
Dipper: [In Mabel's body] Braces are horrible! It's like my mouth hates me!
Mabel: [In Dipper's body] Hey, Grunkle Stan! Your face looks like a butt!
Stan: What?!
Mabel: Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink!
[Stan discovers Mabel (in Dipper's body) watching Dipper (in her body) hanging out with her friends]
Stan: What's goin' on, Dipper? Ah, you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh? Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk - about the birds and the bees, you know?
[Mabel looks mortified. Cut to Stan opening a book called "Why Am I Sweaty?"]
Mabel: I—I should really be going--
Stan: No way out of it! Look, it all begins with this little fella, the pituitary gland. [grinning] He may be little, but he has BIG PLANS.
Mabel: AAAAAAAAH!!!
Stan: [later; closing the book] And now you know where babies come from.
Mabel: [traumatized] Goodbye, childhood...
Grenda: 3, 4, 5. [Phone rings.] It's him, my dream date! Hello?
Robot Voice: Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2.
Candy: Kevin has the voice of a robot.
Grenda: Don't ruin this for me, Candy!
Candy: Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested!
Grenda: How could you say that to Kevin?
Stan: Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is… I'm going to have to cut your pay.
Waddles in Soos's Body: [Breathes creepily and puts hand on Stan's face.]
Stan: What are you doing?
Waddles: [Breathes eerily]
Stan: Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work!
Waddles: [Continues breathing creepily as the camera zooms in on him]
Stan: Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again!
Dipper: [in Grenda's body] Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once.
Grenda: [in Mabel's body] Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands!
Grenda: [in McGucket's body] Cool! I'm Santa Claus!
McGucket: [in Candy's body] Whoo-ee! [laughs] I've regained my innocence!
Dipper: [in Waddles' body] Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So, that's a thing.
Soos: [in Grenda's body] This body's not that different from my old one.
Officer Blubs: [in McGucket's body] My horoscope didn't say anything about this.
Officer Durland: [in Dipper's body] AHH! What's happenin' to me?!
Candy: [in Officer Blubs' body] I am police officer now!
Grenda: [in Officer Durland's body] Let's go bust some perps, Candy!

Boyz Crazy [1.17]

edit
Mabel: SEV'RAL TIMEZ is playing at the the Gravity Falls Civic Center and Buffet!
Dipper: Ughh! Sev'Ral Timez?!? Aren't they that boy band that came a decade too late?
[Cut to a music video of Sev'Ral Timez doing "Cray Cray Feat Lenz Flar"]
Sev'Ral Timez: "Oh Oh! Girl you got me actin' so Cray Cray! (Cray-Cray!) You say you won't be my baaa-bay! We're not threatening!"
[The song continues with Mabel dancing along]
Dipper: Mabel, you know all those boy bands are fake - Right?
Wendy: Dipper's right. They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry.
Mabel: You're making my dance sad!
Mabel: You guys can't ruin this for me! Mabel's got backup!!
[Grenda and Candy come rolling into the Shack decked out with Sev'Ral Timez merch]
Grenda: Hey guys!!
Candy: Woo-Hoo!!
Mabel: I'm ready for the greatest night of our lives! [singing] "How many times am I gonna love ya?"
Grenda and Candy: "SEV'RAL TIMEZ!"
[Grenda Candy and Mabel run away giggling]
Dipper: Uhhh.....GIRLS!
Wendy: I know. Right?
[Dipper talking to Stan about Wendy]
Dipper: So wait...You actually believe my theory?
Grunkle Stan: You're darn right I do. And we're gonna get to the bottom of it...Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat!
[Stan opens a can of brown meat and downs it]
Grunkle Stan: It's APOCA-LICIOUS!
[During the Sev'Ral Timez concert, Deep Chris sits down to talk to his audience]
Deep Chris: Hey Girl, I just wanna get real for a moment and say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. For you specifically, not the girl sitting next to you, but YOU.
Concert Girl1: I LOVE YOU DEEP CHRIS!!
Concert Girl2: HE WAS TALKING TO ME!!!
[All the girls start throwing chairs and fighting. Tyler Cutebiker is at the show watching the mayhem]
Tyler Cutebiker: Git 'Em!! Git 'Em!!
Sev'Ral Timez: Thank you! Good Night!
[After finding Sev'Ral Timez private room backstage and avoiding the evil manager Mr. Bratzman, Mabel, Grenda and Candy finally meet their idols - locked in a cage...]
Deep Chris: Ohh! Who goes there? Prepare to be danced at!
[Deep Chris 'aggressively' dances towards Mabel]
Creggy G: Step off Deep Chris! She's a lady! Don't disrespect her bro! Don't disrespect!!
Deep Chris: Mah bad! (He throws kisses towards an enthralled Mabel as she squeals.)
Deep Chris: Chubby Z let's calm this boo by posin' for her, poster-style.
[Sev'ral Timez throws a pose and Mabel is beyond excited.]
Mabel: Whoo! Trying hard not to let my brain explode! I've always wanted to meet you guys, But what was the deal with that scary chubb-chubb man?
Deep Chris: Mr. Bratzman's our producer, Yo!
Creggy G: He genetically engineered us to be the perfect boy band, G!
Chubby Z: But he keeps us in cages! That junk is straight brutal girl!
Mabel: That is straight brutal Chubby Z.
Creggy G: Our one dream is to escape into the REAL world - for real! Yo, I heard about these things called trees...I don't know what they are, but I wanna kiss one!
Greggy C: But we can't disobey Mr. Bratzman. He says he loves us!
Mabel: If he loved you, he'd set you free!
Creggy G: True dat, true dat...
Chubby Z: That's a valid perspective!!
[Mabel uses a hairpin to unlock the boyz cage,]
Mabel: Let's go right now. Me and my friends can help you escape.
Grenda: (screaming) We're Masters of Stealth!!
Chubby Z: Yo! You'd really do that for us beef?
Mabel: You can count on me! ....I'm sorry, did you just call me BEEF?!?
Dipper: All right, it took all day, but I converted it to a record. And now we can slow it down to see if the mind-control message theory is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown!
Stan: Spit-take, here I come! [sips Pitt Cola]
[Dipper plays and slows down the record, with a tapeman ready to record]
Stan: Hmm... that's not spit worthy. What gives?
Dipper: What? Is that it? [fiddles with the speed] Ugh! This was so stupid! Course there's no hidden mind-control messages! [sadly] Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song. She just likes Robbie.
Wendy: [entering with Robbie] Hey, Dip. Forgot my keys.
Robbie: What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you?
[He laughs, and Dipper scowls at him]
Wendy: Ready to go to Lookout Point?
Robbie: Heh, am I! [leaving with her] Later, dorks. Catch ya on the rewind. [chuckles] I made that up.
Stan: [shakes fist] I'll rewind your FACE!
Dipper: Wait a minute... Stan, rewind!
[He manually turns the record backwards, and it plays "You are now under my control! Your mind is mine!"]
Stan: [spits soda into Dipper's face] Holy mackerel! Now there's your spit-take!
Dipper: Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all! [worried] Oh no! I've got to save Wendy!
Stan: Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll!
Robbie: [after Wendy breaks up with him] Oh, man...!
Stan: Look, if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold! [brief pause] You've been buying gold, right?
Stan: Women. They're the real mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy"!
Dipper: [sadly] No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now.
Stan: Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing... even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car.
Dipper: You think she'll ever forgive me?
Stan: Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me.
Dipper: [smiling] Thanks, Grunkle Stan.
Stan: Don't mention it, kid. [gnawing is heard from outside] Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash?! [cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom] Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men! Always eating out of my trash... Wait, what?

Land Before Swine [1.18]

edit
[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]
Bobby Renzobbi: I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it does work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!!!
[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]
Mabel: Go, go! Chew that pant leg!
[Stan tears his pant leg free.]
Stan: All right, that tears it. Outside, now!
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, no! You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators! And barbecuers!
Stan: That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious!
Mabel: He should be inside like a person.
Stan: People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos.
Mabel: And we're the lesser for it!
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles...
Stan: He's a fat, naked jerk!
[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]
Mabel: Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen?! Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him outside?
Stan: What? No, I didn't put him anywhere! I'm not acting suspicious! You're acting suspicious! What's a pig?!
Stan: I should have put that pig outside ages ago!
Mabel: Wait, what did you just say?
Stan: Hm? What's that?
Mabel: You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. [gasps and frowns]
Stan: No! Wait, uh, if you think about it--
Mabel: You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! [She begins to cry] And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD!
Stan: Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside!
Mabel: No, that's it! Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again!
Stan: Look, you can't be serious.
Mabel: Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them!
Stan: Kid!
Mabel: [plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle] La la la la la! I can't hear anyone! No one's talking to me!
[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]
Stan: The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig.
[He shoves Waddles out into the open; the pig turns and looks at him]
Stan: What are you looking at?
[Short silence; Waddles keeps looking at him]
Stan: Aw, come on, don't give me that look! What am I supposed to do, let it eat me?
[Another short silence; still Waddles keeps looking]
Stan: [frustrated] Rrrrgh! Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal! Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. [starting to look sad] Telling me her jokes... making me laugh...
[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]
Stan: [chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl] Aw, dang it! [as the pterodactyl flies straight for them] Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. [dons the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it] You want this pig?! [loudly] THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME!!!

Dreamscapers [1.19]

edit
Bill: Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back! Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? [laughs] I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon!
Gideon: W-what are you? H-how do you know my name?!
Bill: Oh, I know lots of things. LOTS OF THINGS. [Said in a deep "slow motion" voice, while his body shows pictures of various cryptic things and locations] Hey, look what I can do! [magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands] Deer teeth! For you, kid! [laughs]
Gideon: [dropping the teeth in shock] You're insane!
Bill: Sure I am, what's your point? [restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]
[In a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]
Stan: Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. [door slams shut] Gotta work on that.
Bill: One nightmare, coming up!
Soos: Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about...
British Dog-Man: [appears] 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! Who's crike for a stick in the pudding?! [jabs Soos with his cane]
Bill: I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one.
Soos: (whispering to Mabel) He's talking about you...
Bill: So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. BUT KNOW THIS! A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you! (slowly) I'll be watching you!

Gideon Rises [1.20]

edit
[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]
Jeff: This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. (Scrubbing his armpit with one of the squirrels.) Scrub, scrub.
[Dipper and Mabel try to trick Jeff the Gnome into marrying Gideon.]
Mabel: What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me!
Dipper: Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair!
Jeff: Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock! Get my cologne!
[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]
Shmebulock: Shmebulock!
Jeff: Is "Shmebulock" all you can say?
Shmebulock: (nodding "yes") Shmebulock...
Grunkle Stan: Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever that is...
Announcer: Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway?! Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel!
[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]
Dipper: Gimme that back or I'll...
Gideon: Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh? Huh!? No muscles, no brains - face it, you're nothin' without this!
Stan: Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got.
Soos: Right away, Mr. Pines!
Stan: Soos? What are you doing here?
Soos: Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?
[The kitchen is, in fact, ablaze. Soos runs off with a fire extinguisher.]
Stan: You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was!
Soos: [putting his arm around Stan] Hey, I'm here for you, dude!
Stan: The entire lower half of your body is on fire.
Soos: Shhh... we're having a moment.
Dipper: Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. [Hands Journal 3 to Stan] It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it.
[Stan skims through the book, suspicious. Then...]
Stan: I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper... [laughs loudly] Now I know where you've been getting it all from! Spookums and monsters... This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies!
Dipper: But it's all real!
Stan: Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions! Can't come up with this stuff! Mind if I borrow this?
Dipper: Wait, no! Grunkle Stan!
Stan: "Magic book." [laughs more] Ridiculous! [leaves with the book]
Dipper: Stan, I need it!!!
Mabel: Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands! You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not.
Dipper: Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though.
Mabel: I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway?

Season 2

edit

Scary-oke [2.01]

edit
Stan: Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon.
Crowd: Booooooo!
Stan: Please, please. Boo harder!
Agent Powers: My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town.
Agent Trigger: (pointing at Stan) Activity!
Stan: "Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking!
Agent Powers: I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor.
Stan: (laughs nervously)
Agent Powers: I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth.
Mabel: This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," [gasps] "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra!
Stan: Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me.
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together.
Mabel: Dipper, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?
Dipper: Raise the dead.
Mabel: And what did you do?
Dipper: Raise the dead.
Stan: [fighting zombies] All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME!

Into the Bunker [2.02]

edit
(Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film)
Girl: What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead!
Boy: Far worse, Trixandra! They're nearly almost dead, but not quite!
(Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!")
Dipper: Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies.
Wendy: They're slow! Just power-walk away from them!
(On the TV...)
Chadley: Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot!
(Dipper and Wendy laugh)
Wendy: Chadley ain't pretty no more!
Wendy: Oh, man! Was this place built in the past or the future?
Soos: Yeah, this room is way creepy.
Mabel: (grinning) Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history! Heyo! (gives Dipper a playful shove)
(Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room)
Mabel: They sure are taking their time in there.
Soos: Didn't Dipper say something about a monster?
Mabel: Oh, no! I thought he was joking!
Soos: You KNOW Dipper's jokes are terrible!
(After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer)
Shape Shifter: You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take!
(It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape; Dipper, Mabel and Wendy look shocked)
Soos: (to Dipper, chuckling) Good luck sleeping tonight!

The Golf War [2.03]

edit
Stan: Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them.
Dipper: Pass.
[Meeting the Lilliputtians]
Mabel: Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud.
Dipper: Pst! Mabel! This is perfect! These guys control the course! Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win!
Mabel: I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating?
Dipper: Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life.
Mr. Northwest: Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything.
Mrs. Northwest: Oh, and looks. Winning and looks.
Pacifica: Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right?
Mr. Northwest: Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper.
(Pacifica gets out of the car)
Mr. Northwest: Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose.
(They drive away)
Pacifica: [to Sergei] How much you wanna bet they're no-shows?
[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]
Mabel: Looking for someone?
Pacifica: [sarcastic] Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all.
[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]
Mabel: Hey, I found two tacos! [eats one]
Pacifica: [astonished] You're allowed to eat in the car?
Mabel: Yeah! The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! [offers her the other taco] Want one?
Pacifica: Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts.
Mabel: "Handouts"? It's called sharing! You do know what sharing is, right?
Pacifica: "Sha... shahring"?
Mabel: Just take it.
Pacifica: Tell your servant I like his W-neck.
Soos: YES!

Sock Opera [2.04]

edit
Mabel: Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt.
Bill: Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you! [takes his hat off, tilts the world sideways with Dipper before titling back again]
Dipper: You again!
Bill: Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me!
Dipper: Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind!
Bill: It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an EYE ON YOU since then, and I must say, I'm impressed!
Dipper: Really?
Bill: You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming!
[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]
Bill: [cackles] The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... favor in return.
Dipper: I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time!
Bill: [rises behind him] Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, [pretends to grab Dipper's brain] I'll be here for you, ready to make a deeaaal. [three slots appear spinning on his chest and stop to a pine tree symbol] Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? [waving his arms] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! [come to reality, Dipper wakes up]
Dipper: [waving his arms] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Bill: [in Dipper's body] Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. [slaps himself on the cheek] Whoo! [slaps the other cheek] Whoo! Haha! Pain is hilarious!
Bill: [in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola] Human soda! I'm gonna drink it like a person! [pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]
Dipper: [as a ghost] I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you!
Bill: [in Dipper's body] But how can you stop me...[slowly turns his head towards him] if you don't exist? [cackles evilly]
Bill: [in Dipper's body] Hey, Soos! Wanna hear the exact time and date of your death?
Soos: [chuckles] Okay!
Mabel: He (Gabe) loves it! This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show?
Dipper: [as a sock puppet] Mabel! You want me to be a sock puppet forever?!
Mabel: [laughs] I'm sorry. It looks funny when you're mad.
[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]
Mabel: Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face!
Bill: [in Dipper's body] How's about you hand that book over?
Mabel: No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away!
Bill: Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses! Give me the book or your play is ruined!
[Mabel sighs and begins to hand it to him]
Bill: There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling?!
Mabel: [suddenly realizes] Dipper would.
Bill: Huh?
[Mabel yanks Bill off the catwalk, sending them both falling]
Bill: [in Dipper's worn-out body] What is this feeling?! My body is burning! I can't move these stupid noodle legsǃ Curse you, useless flesh-sticks! Body shutting down! Must... scratch... mosquito... bites!
[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]
Mabel: Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it! Cue applause!
[Instead, the audience boos them and leaves]
Mabel: Gabe! Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches!
Gabe: Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form! Let's go, my loves. [leaves, kissing his puppets]
Dipper: Did he just make out with his puppets?
Mabel: I might've dodged a bullet there.

Soos and the Real Girl [2.05]

edit
[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]
Soos: Man, I can't wait for the year 2000.
[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (romaji for "spontaneous combustion")]
Soos: Ehh, start! [clicks; watches intro sequence with Japanese and English texts] "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. [a pink-haired schoolgirl appears]
.GIFfany: Oh, hi there! My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? [options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]
Soos: I'm really feeling number two here. Click! [buzzes] Ah! I messed up!
.GIFfany: That's okay. Try again! [Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]
Soos: Wow, I'm learning! And games are making it fun!
.GIFfany: What would you like to talk about? [options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]
Soos: I'd rather just click your face. [clicks her face] Ngah... ngah!
.GIFfany': Ha ha. You are so funny!
Soos: Man, this game is amazing! I don't know why anyone abandoned it.
.GIFfany: And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend.
Soos: Boyfriend? Oh-hoh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive.
.GIFfany: Yes... Almost. Haha! Haha! Haha! Haha! [Soos chuckles; pan to show the unplugged cord to Soos's computer]
Soos: Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh.
.GIFfany: [appears at once on several TVs] That's not important! [appears on several more TVs] What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again! You and me can be together... [appears on all the TVs at once, her voice harsh and electronically distorted] FOREVER!!!
Stan: You don't understand, Wendy! This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction! But he won't sell it to me!
Wendy: This is literally too dumb for me to care about.
Soos: Please, let my friends go! I'll do anything you want, I promise!
.GIFfany: I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend. Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date? [She extends a flash drive out at Soos] I can download your brain into the game, with me, and we'll be together... forever.
Soos: Ah! Stay back!
[He throws things at her as he is backed to the furnace]
.GIFfany: Come on, Soos! Don't let me delete you too!
[Soos looks at the game disk in his pocket]
.GIFfany: What do you say, boyfriend?
Soos: I say... GAME OVER, GIFFANY!!!!!
.GIFfany: NO! WAIT!
[Soos throws the disk into the furnace, melting it; .GIFfany screams and her image on the TV is shut off, and the anamatronic beaver she possessed melts, and the other animatronics shut down as well.]

Little Gift Shop of Horrors [2.06]

edit
Stan: [at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern] Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams! [the traveller backs away] Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise"!
[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]
Stan: Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier.
Stan: Movies are great! You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart... Forget that last part.
[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]
Cinnamon (in cartoon): You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart!
Shimmery Twinkleheart (in cartoon): No, you did it, Cinnamon!
Mabel: [with Twinkleheart] Because you believed in yourself!
[Stan and Soos groan]
Dipper: Everything about this is bad.
Stan: Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day.
Mabel: Ooooh, old people movies! Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat.
Stan: Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by antisocial shut-ins.
Soos: Those people are called Ani-ma-tors.

Society of the Blind Eye [2.07]

edit
Younger McGucket: For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. (He holds up the memory erasing ray.) Test subject One: Fiddleford. (He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on) It worked! I can't recall a thing. (Static) I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! (Static, McGucket is more disheveled and nervous.) Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. (Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.) I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... (static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.) I saw something in the lake, something big! (Rips his hair out, static.) My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? (static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:) Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! (which is Abtash for:) Bill Cipher! Triangle! (The tape ends as McGucket forms a triangle around his right eye to reference Bill Cipher.)

Blendin's Game [2.08]

edit
Young Soos: [reading a postcard from his father] "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure! -Dad."
Reggie: Hey, don't sweat it, cuz! You'll see him next year.
Young Soos: Heh. Yeah. "Next year"...
[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]
Young Soos: I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes.
Time Baby: Let the Globnar begin!

The Love God [2.09]

edit
Mabel: So anyway, can you make anything fall in love? Like that snake and that badger?
[Outside, the badger and snake growl and hiss at each other]
Love God: Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to-- [points at the animals] KABOOM! Match made!
[The animals become affectionate, with the snake wrapping around the badger and being carried away]
Mabel: They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that?
Love God: Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow!
Mabel: I need that potion. How much would it cost? [grabbing a passing squirrel] And would you accept squirrels as payment?
Love God: Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might think you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert.
Woman: Love God! Sign my face!
Love God: Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD! [they kiss]
Teen 1: [seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"] I eat kids? But we're kids!
Teen 2: It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! [The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]
Charlie: Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us?
Charlie's Mother: [shedding tears] Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will.

Northwest Mansion Mystery [2.10]

edit
Priscilla: Pacifica! The theme is seafoam green, not lakefoam green! Go change!
Pacifica: But... I kinda like it!
Preston: Mind your mother, Pacifica.
Pacifica: But --
[Preston rings a handbell; Pacifica stops and sighs as if obeying like a pet.]
Pacifica: Yes, Father.
TV Announcer: You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of Ghost Harassers, on the Used-To-Be-About-History Channel!
Dipper: [sips a Pitt cola] Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset.
Preston: [Leans down threateningly; Dipper glares at him, unfazed] Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind?
Dipper: "My kind"? [Looks at Pacifica] I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain!
Pacifica: I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but--
[Preston rings the bell. Blushing, Pacifica steps back]
[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]
Ghost of Archibald Corduroy: A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will BURN! [laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]
Pacifica: Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back!
Ghost of Archibald Corduroy: You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise!
[Just before she could pull the lever, Preston, Priscilla, and a butler appear from an underground hatch]
Preston: Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. [whispering] We'll eat the butler.
[Pacifica looks at Dipper's wooden statue, and reaches for the lever]
Preston You dare to disobey us?!
[Preston rings the bell; Pacifica shakes nervously, but still reaches for the lever; she struggles to decide between disobeying her father as the bell continues to ring and she resists and whimpers, before furrowing her face in anger]
Preston Dingally, dingally! Is this bell broken?!
Pacifica: [stamping angrily] Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it!
[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]
Tyler Cutebiker: Git it! Git it!
Ghost of Archibald Corduroy: [overjoyed] Yes! YES! It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. [restores the Manor and the guests to normal]
Marius von Fundshauser: Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you mein phone number?
Grenda: [happily] I don't have a phone! Write it on my FACE!
Mabel: Whoa! Go, Grenda.
Candy: I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid.
Mabel: What? I call co-bridesmaid.

Not What He Seems [2.11]

edit
Soos: [pointing at the portal timer] It's the final countdown! Just like they always sung about!
Agent Powers: Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges?
Stan: Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call?
[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]
Soos: Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy.
Stan: [via walkie-talkie] "Soos!!"
Soos: [touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker] Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation?
Stan: "Soos, pick up!!" [Soos picks up walkie-talkie]
Soos: Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food.
Stan: "Listen, I need something from you." [at police station] You know that vending machine in the gift shop? [via walkie-talkie] "I need you to guard it with your LIFE. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine."
[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]
Soos: Time for a repair guy... to become a repair man.
Drive-Thru Employee: [hands out a kids box] Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal?
Soos: Just put one in my mouth. [employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it] Let's do this.
Stan: [while Soos is tackling his boss] Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order!
Soos: Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids!
Stan: Soos, you idiot, let me go!
[Mabel is about to push the shutdown button before Stan desperately intervenes]
Stan: I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of 'em are true, but trust me—everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family.
Dipper: Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!
Stan: Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?!
Dipper: He's lying! Shut it down NOW!
Stan: Mabel, please!
Computer: Ten. Nine.
Mabel: [Looking away and lowering hand to the button, then looks at Stan] Grunkle Stan...
Computer: Six. Five.
Mabel: [Lifts hand] I trust you. [Lets go of the stand, floats up]
Dipper: [angry and shocked] MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA--!!
Computer: One.

[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel all disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams.]

(A mysterious figure comes out of the portal. He places his six-fingered hand on the journal, picks it up and puts it in his jacket pocket.)
Dipper: What...? W-who is that?
Stan: The author of the journals.
[The person pulls off his scarf and goggles, revealing his face. He looks nearly identical to Stan]
Stan: My brother!
Mabel: Is this the part where one of us faints?
Soos: Oh, I am so on it, dude. [Faints]

A Tale of Two Stans [2.12]

edit
Ford: Hehehehe! Wait up!
Stan: Heh! Yeah, you should keep up.
Ford: I...I can keep up! [Peeks through some boards] Whoa!
Stan: Neato!
Ford: Mysterious, boarded-up cave! It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms! Or Mesoamerican gold!
Stan: Uh, ladies first.
[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]
[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]
Stan: Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! [Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it] Cool. Splinters!
Ford: [Shines flashlight into the cave] Whoa, it's so creepy in here!
Stan: [Comes into the cave] Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place.
[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]
Stan and Ford: [Walk off, chanting:] Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!
Ford: I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley.
Dipper: Stanley?
Mabel: But... your name is Stanford.
Ford: [angry] Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head?!
Dipper: Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies! You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?
Mabel: And what happened between you and your brother?
Soos: I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.
Stan: Finally! After all these long years of waiting, you're actually here! Brother!
Ford: (Punches him in the face)
Stan: Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?!
Ford: This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal! Didn't you read my warnings?!
Stan: Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?
Ford: Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you DID THIRTY YEARS AGO?!
Stan: What I did? Why, you ungrateful... (Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him) Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're... family. (As Ford slams him to the ground) Ah!
Mabel: Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!
Ford: Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?
Soos: Heh heh. I get that a lot.
Stan: They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids.
Ford: I-I have a niece and nephew? (Shakes Mabel's hand) Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.
Mabel: Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal!
Ford: Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.
Dipper: I-I can't believe it... YOU'RE THE AUTHOR OF THE JOURNALS!
Ford: You've read my journals?
Dipper: I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I [Starts breathing heavily] OOOOOOHHH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. [Mabel comes over and pats him on the back] Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out!
[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]
Stanley: [in a commercial] Hi there! I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises! Are you sick of this always happening to you? [gets splashed with juice] Then you need the shammy of the future! Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon! That's the Sham-Total! It's a total sham!
Stan: [voiceover] I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. [the pitchforks all fall apart] I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania!
Stanley: [in another commercial] Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off! The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes. [awkward pause]
Stan: [voiceover] It gave you rashes. [cut to a scene showing Stan being chased out of Pennsylvania by an angry mob of people with rashes]
Stanley: Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee.
Stanford: Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore.
Stanley: Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay?
Stanford: I have something to show you. Something you won't believe.
Stanley: Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. [standing in the portal room] There is nothing about this I understand.
Stanford: It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. [gives Stan the journal] I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? [Stan smiles] Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it!
Stanley: [angered] That's IT?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible?!
Stanford: Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against! What I've been through!
Stanley: No, no! You don't understand what I've been through! I've been to prison in three different countries! I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? I've got a mullet, Stanford! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods! Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself!
Stanford: [indignant and furious] I'm selfish? I'm selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that to me after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen!
Stanley: Well, listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine! I'll get rid of it for you! [he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3]
Ford: No! (Grabs the journal) You don't understand!
Stan: (Takes it back) You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it!
Ford: My research! (Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him) Stanley, give it back! (Pushes him onto some of the buttons)
Stan: You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that!

The portal turns on.

Stan: (Trying to pull the journal away from Ford) You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life!
Ford: You ruined your own life! (Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams in pain and falls to the floor) Stanley! Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! Are you alr-

Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever. Stan follows him.

Stan: Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE 'EM! (Shoves Ford back into the portal light, and he starts getting sucked into it) Whoa, whoa, hey, what's going on? Hey, hey, Stanford-
Ford: Stanley! Stanley, help me!
Stan: Oh, no, what do I do?!!
Ford: Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! (Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal)

A flash of white engulfs everything. When it fades, Stan is lying on the floor.

Stan: Stanford?

Ford's glasses fall onto the floor.

Stan: (Runs to the portal) Stanford, come back! I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT! (Pounds on the side of the portal)

The portal turns off.

Stan: (Desperately runs to the lever and tries to pull it to no avail) I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah, come on! STANFORD! (Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:) I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow.

Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons [2.13]

edit
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him.
Dipper: Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today!
Mabel: Dogs! Dogs with hats!
Dipper No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: [holding up the boxed game] Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me?
Mabel: Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play?
Dipper The rules are simple. [opens game book; Mabel's enthusiasm fades as he reads] First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel.
Mabel: [happy again] And then we ride unicorns?
Dipper: Yes! [Mabel gasps happily] And no. [she frowns] First we make a graph. [holds up graph paper]
Mabel: Uuugh! This is like Homework: The Game!
Ford: My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and PLAY!
[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]
Ford: Ah! My ears! They're so pointy!
Dipper: There better be something protective under this tunic... [checks] OH, NO, THERE ISN'T!
Ford: The Impossibeast! Hey, I thought they banned this character!
Probabilitor: Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition!
Ford: Dipper, can I tell you something?
[Dipper nods]
Ford: You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, (pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone) I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: (holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it) an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand?
Dipper: Oh-uh, of course.
Ford: In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do.
Dipper: Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford.
Ford: Goodnight, Dipper.

The Stanchurian Candidate [2.14]

edit
Dipper: [reading from parchment] Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him, anointing him mayor. [awkward pause] I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.
Misha: No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper!
Mabel: Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview?
Stan: I got my mouth, don't I?
[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]
Dipper: And he's insisting on speaking his mind! [Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]
Ford: So this is an emergency.
Dipper: The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure.
Ford: [thinking] Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to control someone else. [opens his drawer] Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. [Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie] A long time ago, I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head.
Dipper: [peers inside the tie] Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically ambiguous!
Ford: [gives another blue striped tie to Dipper] As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to.
Dipper: Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! [runs off]
Ford: [waves, resumes his research] Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all.
Stan: Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?
Dipper: [to Mabel] Jump in! Jump in!
[Turns on the switch]:
Stan: [Under Mabel's control] Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! [Snaps his fingers] I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. [Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan] But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears.
Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos: YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN!
Shandra: [on TV] This just in! Stanford Pines loses! [a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]
Dipper, Mabel, and Stan: [watching] WHAT?!
Shandra: Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record.
Stan: Oh boy...
Mabel: Stan, what did you do?!
Stan: What didn't I do?
Shandra: [reading through papers, looking increasingly confused] Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...?
Stan: [shakes fist] That llama knew too much!
Shandra: Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker.
[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]
Tyler: [blushing] Got it!
Shandra: [is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from] We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking...
[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading: "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]
Stan: Whew! At least they didn't list any of the bad ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast...

The Last Mabelcorn [2.15]

edit
Wendy: Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!
Shady Gnome: [trades two bags for a jar containing butterflies] Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed.
Grenda: [checks bags] Where do you get this stuff?
Shady Gnome: Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it’s made.
Grenda: [takes off shades] You disgust me.
Shady Gnome: You've got your poison, I've got mine. We made a deal.
Grenda: Yeah, well, the deal is OFF!
[Several police officer gnomes spring out, aiming pinecones at the shady gnome]
Police Officer Gnome: Freeze! You're under arrest! Get down! Get down!
Shady Gnome: These butterflies aren't mine! I swear! I've been framed!
Police Officer Gnome: Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge! [to Grenda] My cut? [Grenda gives him one of the bags]
Blue Unicorn: Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again?
Red Unicorn: That is messed up, man.
Mabel: Wait, "scam"?
Red Unicorn: Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music! [horn lights up and plays music]
Blue Unicorn: Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone.
Celestabellebethabelle: [awkwardly] Guuuuys, shut uuuup!
Mabel: [angrily] All this time... all this time I thought I was a bad person. [crushes her notepad] But you're even worse than I am!
Celestabellebethabelle: Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off! What are you gonna do about it? Huh? Huh?! What are you gonna do?!
[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-colored blood. She and her friends look shocked for a moment]
Wendy: Woo! Go, Mabel!
Grenda: Join the dark side!
Ford: Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?!
Bill: Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart! Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party! Right, guys?
[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]
Ford: No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down!
Bill: A deal's a deal, Sixer! You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try! Cute, even!
Ford: To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... THE END OF OUR WORLD!
Ford: You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel.
Mabel: Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative.
Stan : [runs past, grabbing a pile of gold] MONEY!

Roadside Attraction [2.16]

edit
Stan: Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure.
Dipper: Hey. [points to his arm] We're both failures.
Darlene: You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey!
[Stan's RV enters Gravity Falls. The kids cheer]
Dipper: I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps.
Stan: Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen-- SWEET LORD!! [Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners] AH, COME ON!!
[closeup on graffiti: "Stan is a HACK!"; "Stan is a BUTT: Granny Sweetkins says eat it Pines!"; the Upside-Down Town boss rotates the gift shop sign upside-down as payback; the Corn Maze Worker breaks one headlight on Stan's RV with a baseball ball]
Corn Maze Worker: That's what you get! That's what you get! [laughs mischievously as he runs off with the other trap owners]
Stan: I don't understand. I completely don't deserve this!
Dipper: Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up?
Mabel: Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway?
[post-credits scene: Soos is still stuck in the Corn Maze]
Soos: Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. [pause] Don't...move...! [another long pause] You know, I would make a really good scarecrow.

Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future [2.17]

edit
[At the Gravity Falls High School]
Wendy: My dawgs! What up?
Mabel: Wendy, what are you doing here?
Wendy: Ugh, high school registration.
Mabel: Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"?
Wendy: More like "teen horror movie"! High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! [gestures towards two girls snarling at each other]
Thompson: [huddled against a wall] Can't do it! CAN'T DO ANOTHER YEAR!
Robbie: My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! [punches a bulletin board]
Mabel: Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of musical...
Wendy: TV lied, man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again.
Stan: Hey, everything all right, pumpkin?
Mabel: Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck.
Stan: Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to grow up, you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' 70 and I still eat ice cream for dinner!
Mabel: But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls.
Stan: Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know?
Mabel: Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. (holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation) Ford's apprentice? Seriously?!
Dipper: Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me.
Mabel: (starting to cry) Well, it's a horrible opportunity for me! I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?!
Dipper: Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work.
Mabel: I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever...
Dipper: But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends.
(Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying; she unknowingly grabs Dipper's backpack while running out)
Dipper: Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back!
"Blendin": Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out! It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to!
Mabel: R-really? But how does it work?
"Blendin": I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. (shows the rift) Something small; he won't even know it's missing.
Mabel: Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag.
(Cut to Ford's lab)
Ford: Let me guess. Mabel didn't take it well?
Dipper: I don't know, maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I need to think about this.
Ford: Dipper, right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I've got the glue; hand me the rift and let's make history.
(Dipper reaches into his bag, but he takes out the birthday flyer instead of the rift)
Dipper: What? (Realizes he took the wrong backpack) OH, NO! THE RIFT!!!
(Cut back outside as Mabel takes out the rift)
Mabel: Huh, that's...odd. Is this it?
"Blendin": Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls?
Mabel: (wistfully) Just a little more summer...(hands over the rift)
"Blendin": OOPS! (drops the rift and smashes it with his boot)
Mabel: What?!
(Blendin cackles, taking off his goggles to show he is possessed by Bill Cipher)
Mabel: Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait!
(Bill snaps his fingers, knocking Mabel out. Cackling, he emerges from Blendin's body)
Bill: At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!
Dipper: What's going on? What is that?!
Ford: We're too late. It's the end of the world.

Weirdmageddon Part 1 [2.18]

edit
[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]
Bill: All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets! For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill! But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity!
[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest in front of Deputy Durland, Sheriff Blubs and Mayor Tyler]
Bill: Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends! [as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky] 8 Ball! Kryptos! The being whose name must never be said! [it lands down] Haha, what the heck? It's Zanthar! Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! [all his friends start cackling out loud]
Mayor Tyler: Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here!
Lazy Susan: Yeah! Things with one eye are weird!
Grenda: We don't like out-of-towners!
Manly Dan: [ripping a mailbox in half] AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
Mr. Northwest: I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Pacifica: [angrily] Dad!
Mr. Northwest: Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking.
Bill: [sarcastic] Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face?!
[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles as people flee, and turns Deputy Durland to stone]
Sheriff Blubs: Durland! My precious Deputy Durland, no! [one of the "Eye-Bats" transports Durland away]
Bill: It's time we do a little redecorating! I could really use a castle of some kind! [causes a pyramid to form and float in the sky] And how about some bubbles of PURE MADNESS?! [summons colourful bubbles; one passes through Sprott, making him scream madly and rip his shirt apart] This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, TO WEIRDMAGEDDON!!!
Ford: So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a... [twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion] "boop-boop!"
Ford: I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill!
Bill: Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? (holds his arms at his sides vertically)
Ford: (copying Bill's pose) "This?" (Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue)
Bill: Because I needed a new backscratcher! (Laughs with the Henchmaniacs)
Dipper: That's ENOUGH! Hand over my uncle! (Holds up Journal 3) Or else!
Bill: Now isn't...this...INTERESTING?! (teleports right in front of Dipper) My old puppet is back for an encore! (dangles the petrified Ford) You think you can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got!
Dipper: (flips through Journal 3) I...uh, I...(sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!")
Bill: (mockingly) "I, um, I--" Do it, kid! Do some brilliant thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! DO IT!
Dipper: BILL--!! (lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer)
Bill: (levitates the Journals) That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! (shows Ford) This is what happens to heroes in my world! (Sets the Journals aflame)
Dipper: NO!! The Journals!
Bill: Not much of a threat now, are you?
[Observing the weird phenomena all over Gravity Falls]
Wendy: End of the world... man, those death metal album covers got it shockingly right.
[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]
Bill: [cackles] Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2.
[Pounding is heard]
Voice: Open up! This is the police. Time Police!
Bill: Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking.
[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]
Lolph: Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer.
Blendin: My body is a temple! How dare you!
Time Baby: Hear this, Cipher.
Bill: Ugh, Time Baby.
Time Baby: If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum.
Bill: [sarcastic] Oh no, a tantrum! Whatever will I do about that? HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?! BOOM!!!
[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]
Kryptos: Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! [they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]
Blendin: Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! [uses his time tape and disappears]

Weirdmageddon 2: Escape from Reality [2.19]

edit
Bill: Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces...
Creature: Eighty-eight different faces!!
Bill: Whoa-ho, sorry! Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony! Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably.
Lazy Susan: [groans, unfreezes] Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces.
Bill: Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. [pats her back, she turns back into stone] But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! [the creatures fly out of the pyramid] Ah, global domination. I could get used to- [the creatures slam into the forcefield] WHAT?! [flies out and touches the forcefield] Hmm... this might be more complicated than I thought.
Paci-Fire: I think I broke something.
Bill: WALK IT OFF!
Bill: All right, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound INFINITE POWER, [summons a thunderstorm as the Henchmaniacs flee in terror] none of us can escape the borders of this STUPID HICK TOWN?!? There's some kind of forcefield keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it? [looks at the petrified Ford] Hmm... [his eye cycles through images of the Journals] Maybe someone needs to come out of retirement.
Keyhole: Bill! Sorry, boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They're inside Mabel's bubble as we speak!
Bill: [laughs] Buddy, Mabel's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created. It would take a will of titanium not to give in to its temptation! Fetch me Gideon and take the rest of the day off. [looks at Mabel's bubble in the distance] Things just got a little more interesting...
Dipper: [pants] Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real world!!
[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]
Dipper: Hey!
Waffle Guard: Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. [people mutter indistinctly] Prepare to be banished from this land forever! [open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]
Dipper: Mabel!! You're smarter than this!! Bill has you hypnotized or something!! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?!
Mabel: No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way.
Waffle Guard: Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. [is bitten by Soos] Hey! Seriously?!
Soos: [pointing to a stuffed rhino] It was him.
Dipper: Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever!
Dippy Fresh: Hey, take a chill pill! Those grow on trees here!
Dipper: [angry] You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh!
Soos: Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog!
Dipper: Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you.
Dipper: Mabel, I thought you were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've travelled to Heck and back to get you, and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together.
Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein: ORDER! ORDER! (Bangs mallet) ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, why is this hammer squeaky?!
Mabel: You mean it? You're really coming home with me?
Dipper: Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug?
[Crowd shrieks]
Blue Bird: Just don't do it!
Craz: DON'T DO IT!
Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein: You do this and it's all over!
Mabel: Sincere sibling hug. (Hugs Dipper)
Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein: DON'T DO THE PATS!
Dipper and Mabel: (Pat each other) Pat pat. (A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear)
Mabel: (Rubs eyes) Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week?
[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]
Xyler: Whoa! We survived! [they stand up, Craz spits confetti]
Craz: But where are we? [they walk to a bench and sit down]
Xyler: Are we real? Is this reality? [they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction] Cats postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance.
Craz: Totally righteous, bro!
Xyler: I know!

Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back The Falls [2.20]

edit
Larry King's Head: Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums.
Stan: Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes.
Jeff the Gnome: Hey! I'm short, not deaf!
Stan: Shh, shh! Stress will make you chewy!
Ford: Quit the games, Cipher! If I'm still alive, you must want something from me.
Bill: Ah, sharp as ever, Fordsy. As you may have noticed, I've recently had a multidimensional makeover. [spins around, showing his 3D form, and rearranges Ford and the room's furniture] I control space, matter, and now that that dumb baby's out of the way, time itself! But I wasn't always this way. [clicks his fingers, making Ford and everything else fall to the floor] You think those chains are tight? [his eye shows a planet on a two-dimensional plane] Imagine living in the Second Dimension: flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams. [the planet burns up and screams are heard] I liberated my dimension, Stanford, and I'm here to liberate yours. There's just one hitch. [projects an image of himself pushing against the dome around Gravity Falls in frustration] As it turns out, my weirdness can't escape the magical confines of this town. There's something keeping me in.
Ford: Incredible! Gravity Falls' Natural Law of Weirdness Magnetism - I studied this years ago!
Bill: And did you find a way to undo it?
Ford: Of course. There's a simple equation that could collapse the barrier. But I'd never tell you!
Bill: Listen, Ford - if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. [projects an image of himself and the Henchmaniacs wreaking havoc on Earth and the universe] Anything will be possible! I'll remake a fun world, a better world! A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! [shows a maniacal, galaxy-sized Ford in the centre of the Milky Way] You'd be one of us. All-powerful! Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help.
Ford: You're insane if you think I'll help you!
Bill: [laughs] I'm insane either way, brainiac! But have it your way! I'll just fish around and get that equation directly out of your mind! [prepares to enter Ford's mind]
Ford: Not so fast! You know the rules, Bill. [Bill returns to physical form] You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in!
Bill: [sighs, chains Ford up] You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk. It's only a matter of time! [Ford screams in terror]
Soos: Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords.
McGucket: What's an anime?
Soos: We have much to discuss.
Stan: Discuss nothing! These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash! Excuse my French.
French Lilliputian: Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir! [Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]
[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]
Soos: [through a microphone] Uh, hey, dudes! Is this thing on? Test! [feedback screeches, annoying the demons] Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. [pointing at Paci-Fire] Hey, you're a little cutie.
Paci-Fire: [darkly] I have butchered millions on countless moons.
Soos: Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy.
[After the "Shacktron" defeats Bill's Henchmaniacs]
Bill: (frustrated) Guys, seriously? You had, like, one job to do here!
Ford: Bravo, Dipper and Mabel!
Bill: ...Well, would you look at that! Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. DON'T YOU?!
Ford: What are you--? Oh. Oh, no!
Bill: Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk!
[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]
Bill: AAAARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?!
Bill: Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids!
Dipper: No! Don't do it!
Mabel: Yeah, Bill makes bad deals!
Bill: Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! [his eye shows an image of a galaxy] I SEE EVERYTHI-- [Mabel sprays it with paint] OW! Not again! Why?! Every time!
Stan: Nice shot, pumpkin!
Bill: I just regenerated that eye!
Mabel: I know that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times!
Bill: You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! [morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form] SEE YA REAL SOON!
Stan: No! Wait! No! No! Oh, what do we do? What do we do?!
Ford: [frantically bangs on cage bars] Kids!
Bill: When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES! YOU'VE TRICKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!
Stan: Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! [sadly drops down due to remorse about the current situation] Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup.
Ford: [sighs sadly] Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. [drinks from "water" flask and shares it with Stan]
Stan: How did things get so messed up between us?
Ford: We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it?
Stan: Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. [Ford stands up] Whoa, where are you going?
Ford: [sadly and reluctantly]I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free.
Stan: [horrified] What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?!
Ford: Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind.
Stan: [beat] What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything.
Ford: [chuckles] There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids.
Stan: Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal?
Ford: What other choice do we have?
Bill: [holding on to terrified twins and returns to the main room] All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! [eye scrolls between the pine tree image from Dipper's hat and the shooting star image from Mabel's sweater] EENY... MEENY... MINEY... [eye seems to settle on Mabel after ending on the shooting star image from Mabel’s sweater] YOU!!! [raises his left hand and prepares to snap his fingers to kill Mabel once and for all until "Ford" interrupts him]
Stan: [wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice] Wait! I surrender.
Bill: Good choice. [drops Dipper and Mabel and approaches Stan and Ford]
Ford: [wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice] Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe!
Stan: It’s the only way!
Bill: HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. [drops the cage and ties up Ford]
Stan: My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go!
Bill: Fine!
Dipper: No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him!
Bill: It's a...DEAL! [Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form. Laughs evilly and enters Stan’s mind as Stan gasps in horror]
Bill: Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi-- [opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]
Stan: [Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]
Bill: WHAT?!
Stan: Heh-heh! Do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart! Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it.
[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and reluctantly aims it at Stan to completely erase Stan’s memories]
Bill: [horrified and furious] What?! The deal's off! [furiously turns to leave, but the door slams shut and blue flames begin to fill the room] What the--?! No, no, no, NO!
Stan: Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh?
Bill: [panicked] Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?!
Stan: [shrugging] Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway.
Bill: Let me outta here! Let me OUT! [desperately tries to use his powers to escape Stan’s mind, to no avail] Why isn't this working?!
Stan: Hey, look at me. [angrily] Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon! You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family!
Bill: [terrified] You're making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! PLEASE! No...! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?! [begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:] A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN! STANLEEEEY...!!! [Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]
Stan: [before being engulfed by the flames, he fondly looks at a picture of him with Dipper, Mabel and Waddles] Heh. Guess I was good for something after all.
[last lines of the series]
Dipper: [voiceover] If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting.

Cast

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