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God, the Devil and Bob

American animated television series

God, the Devil and Bob is an American adult animated sitcom that aired on NBC. The series was based on God and the Devil making a bet over the fate of the world.

Episodes

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In the Beginning

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Bob: So, what exactly is it that I'm supposed to do?
God: You don't know?
Bob: Well, sure I ... no.
God: Oh for ... you people. This isn't new stuff. It's written down in books, scrolls, stone tablets. What do you want me to do, scribble it on a bar napkin for you?
Bob: [holds up a napkin and pen] Would you? 'Cause that would really help.
God: You're on your own, Bob. Don't disappoint me. [he disappears]
Bob: God has literally put the fate of mankind in my hands!
Donna: And these would be the same hands that are inching up my nightie?
Bob: That's just a little confidence builder.

Andy Runs Away

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[getting his car inspected at the Canadian border]
Bob: This is harassment, pure and simple.
Border Patrolman: Sorry sir, but you fit the profile. Mindless belligerence is one of our red flags.
Bob: What kind of idiot country is this?!
Border Patrolman: Fair warning sir, you're on the verge of talking yourself into a full cavity search.
Bob: Where do you get off threat- [cuts to Bob driving away with a frightened look on his face]
Bob: I wanted to ask you, I'm in sort of a tough bind with my kid and I need your help.
God: This is a tough week for me Bob. There's a crisis in Africa.
Bob: You always say that! You always say there's a crisis in Africa.
God: That's because there is always a crisis in Africa. You might know that if you picked up a news paper once in a while instead of filling your head with soft-core porn.

Date from Hell

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God: Yeah, what if you bought her (Megan) a pony?
Bob: Pony? What's a pony gonna do?
God: Well, I don't know. I thought girls liked ponies.
Bob: Jordan Clark? I knew a Jim Clark in high school.
Jordan: He's my father.
Bob: No kidding. Did he ever marry that girl he got pregnant? (winks)

The Devil's Birthday

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Donna: Honey, later tonight, can we have sex?
Bob: Well, okay. Since you asked so nice.
Donna: And by sex, of course, I mean clean, healthy love-making, staring deeply into each others eyes for hours and meditating on the gift of procreation.
Bob: You know what, maybe not.
Megan: Your wife wont let me go on a sleep-over I planned for weeks.
Donna: A sleep-over at a boy's house with the parents out of town.
Megan: That's just the way it worked out. We're not going to have sex mother. Gees! That's all you ever think about, you're obsessed with sex.

Neighbor's Keeper

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Bob: Oh Donna?...
Donna: Yeah Bob...
Bob: Just an F. Y. I., I'm wearing that thong you bought me.
Donna: You've got those on backwards.

God's Favorite

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Mike: Hey Bob, check this out. [hands him a newspaper clipping]
Bob: [reading] Aboard the plane that went down in Burkina Faso yesterday was a member of the Moro-Naba's royal family. [hands it back] So?
Mike: I just moved up a notch in the succession line.
Bob: Mike, you're not descended from African royalty. Your dad's a mattress salesman. He's not even the mattress king. That's Kenny's dad.
Andy: Mom, how come we don't go to church?
Donna: Ask Daddy, he talks to God.
Bob: Well, you know son, we did try a lot of different churches over the years. It was hard to choose.
Donna: Your father was looking for one that would let him shotgun beer and heckle the Minister.

Lonely at the Top

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Bob: Mike, with softball season starting next week, I was checking the stats from last year and your batting average was a hundred points lower in afternoon games than night games.
Mike: Yeah, well the sun gets in my eyes.
Bob: I know. That's why today at lunch, I'd like you to grab a bat, go outside ... and stare at the sun. Get your eyes acclimated.
Mike: I'm not gonna blind myself for this team.
Bob: Okay. [writing] Doesn't have heart of champion.

Bob Gets Greedy

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Neighbor: Alman! Get that fountain off your front lawn, it's an eyesore!
Bob: [yelling out the window] Then your wife would have to go back to drinking out of the toilet!

There's Too Much Sex on TV

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Bob: [covering his sex tape playing on the TV] Stop looking! Stop looking!
Mike: It's too late, I've seen it.
Barry: I'll tell you what, Mike, I'll blind you if you'll blind me.
Barry's Date: You selfish bastards, who'll blind me?

Bob's Father

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God: Look, I know your father was a jerk to you, but you don't know what was in his heart.
Bob: Oh, don't do this. Don't give me that crap. I don't care what was in his heart. He never shared it with me.
God: You're right, and you're right to be mad at him, but it's not your job to forgive him; it's mine.
Bob: Yeah, well.
God: Did you know your grandfather?
Bob: What? No, he never talked about him.
God: Now he was a scary guy.
Bob: Oh, so that makes it ok for my dad to treat me bad? Hah, liberals.
God: No, that's not what I'm saying. Look, Bob. Ok, picture this long line of fathers and sons stretching from Adam all the way down to Andy. Now they're all passing down this punch. From one generation to the next, father to son, and the trick is to pass on a softer punch. [pulls down his glasses] Your father passed on a softer punch.

God's Girlfriend

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Bob: I mean, what's gonna happen to the universe? Who's gonna listen to our prayers?
Andy: Can't we pray to another God?
Bob: I really should have taken you to church.
Andy: You mean there's only one God?
Bob: Yeah.
Andy: We're screwed.

Bob Gets Involved

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Council Member #1: Speaking of desperate, Sheila, what are you doing after the raid?
Council Member #2: Shh, I'm picking up something.
Council Member #1: Shh, so am I.
Donna: [looking outside] Bob, you want to tell me why there's a man relieving himself in our driveway?
Bob: That's Phil. He believes that the government uses plumbing to collect samples of DNA in order to ... it's okay, he asked.
Donna: Fine, it's your car.

Cast

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