Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to drag you from your delicious desserts. [pause] There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time I've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage.
[Carrie asks Charles's opinion on her wedding dress] It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yech!
Tom: The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you.
Gareth: A toast before we go into battle. True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, "I was adored once too."
["I was adored once too" Shakespeare's Twelfth Night, 2.3.180, spoken by Sir Andrew]
Matthew: [At Gareth's funeral] Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. [Pause] In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people, to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him. Fat seems to be a word people most connected with him. Terribly rude also rang a lot of bells. So very fat and very rude seems to have been a stranger's viewpoint. [pause] On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough to ring me to tell me that you loved him, which I know he'd be thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous hospitality... his strange experimental cooking. The recipe for "Duck à la Banana" fortunately goes with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy. When joyful, when joyful for highly vocal drunkenness. [pause] But joyful is how I hope you'll remember him. Not stuck in a box in a church.
Old man: Don't be ridiculous, Charles died 20 years ago!
Charles: Must be a different Charles, I think.
Old man: Are you telling me I don't know my own brother!
Charles: No, no.
American wedding guest: Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?
Gareth: Not personally no. But I do know someone who could get you his fax number. Shall we dance?
Charles: Sorry.. look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with The Partridge Family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...
Carrie: That was very romantic.
Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.
Charles: There I was, standing there in the church, and for the first time in my whole life I realised I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now... in the rain.
Carrie: Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.
Charles: Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree not to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?...Do you ?
Carrie: I do.
Gareth: Scarlotta! Fabulous dress. The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange symbolizing the mystical symbiosis in marriage between the heathen and Christian traditions?