Fleabag (2016- ) is a British television sitcom starring and written by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, broadcast on BBC Three (online) about a young woman trying to cope with life in London whilst coming to terms with a recent tragedy.
- Fleabag: [About her stepmother] To be fair, she is not an evil stepmother. She's just a cunt.
- Fleabag: You know that thing when a guy sends you a text at two o'clock on a Tuesday night asking if he can come and find you and you've accidentally made it out like you've just got in yourself so you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business, suspender belt the whole bit and wait by the door til the buzzer goes?
- Fleabag: Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures, start fucking our godmother and eventually stop calling.
- Feminist lecturer: So I pose the question to the women in this room today: please raise your hands if you would trade five years of your life for the so-called "perfect body".
- [Fleabag and Claire immediately raise their hands, then realise that nobody else in the auditorium has.]
- Fleabag: [to Claire] We are bad feminists.
- Fleabag: Oh fuck it, I have a horrible feeling that I'm a greedy perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can't even call herself a feminist.
- Dad: Well... [beat] You get all that from your mother.
- Fleabag: Boo's death hit the papers. "Local cafe girl gets hit by a bike. And a car. And another bike."
- Fleabag: I'm not obsessed with sex, I just can't stop thinking about it. The performance of it. The awkwardness of it. The drama of it. The moment you realise someone wants your body. Not so much the feeling of it.
- Fleabag: When did you realise you were so good looking?
- Arsehole Guy: I knew I was different when I was about nine, but shit got real around 11.
- Fleabag: Shit got real?
- Arsehole Guy: You know... aunts got weird.
- Fleabag: I masturbate a lot these days. Especially when I'm bored. Or angry. Or upset. Or happy.
- [Claire wrongly believes that Martin and Fleabag are planning a surprise party for her]
- Claire: Listen, I don't want to know anything about this surprise party but, if you could just, erm, have it at mine this Friday at 7:30, that'd be great. I can organise it and act surprised but if you could just, er... do you know what, why don't I just do it? I can organise it, do the food, act surprised, and just take it off your hands. I mean, I can see that you're busy, so...
- Fleabag: OK, if you want.
- Claire: Well, I don't want to, but I think it would be easier for everyone if I could just... OK. I mean, I've done it, it's done.
- Fleabag: I mean, the man's got a problem. But no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin. He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence because he was "just being fun".
- Fleabag: "Chic" means boring. Don't tell the French.
- Fleabag: I did a fart the other day that was exactly like mum's.
- Claire: A door opening or suspicious duck?
- Fleabag: A door opening.
- Claire: It means you're getting mum's bum.
- Fleabag: God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago. My farts used to be like PAH! Now they're just fighting their way out.
- Claire: I haven't farted in about three years.
- Fleabag: Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called? Twat nav.
- Claire: Don't make this fun!
- Distant male voice: SLUTS!
- Fleabag: [looking round, surprised] Yes?
- Bank manager: They keep asking me, "What do you want from this workshop? What do you want?" I'm not telling them what I want. I want to move back home. I want to hug my wife, protect my children, protect my daughter. I want to move on. I want to apologise, to everyone. Want to go to the theatre. I want to take clean cups out of the dishwasher and put them in the cupboard at home and the next morning, I want to watch my wife drink from them. And I want to make her feel good. I want to make her orgasm again. And again.
- Fleabag: Truly, I just want to cry. All the time.
- Bank manager: Cafes are a very difficult business. You've certainly made this one very unique.
- Fleabag: I also fucked it into liquidation.
- Bank manager: OK.
- Fleabag: And I fucked up my family.
- Bank manager: Did you?
- Fleabag: And I fucked my friend by fucking her boyfriend.
- Bank manager: Right...
- Fleabag: And sometimes I wish I didn't even know that fucking existed. And I know that my body, as it is now, really is the only thing I have left, and when that gets old and unfuckable I may as well just kill it. And somehow there isn't anything worse than someone who doesn't want to fuck me. I fuck everything. Except for when I was in your office, I really wasn't trying to have sex. You know, either everyone feels like this a little bit, and they're just not talking about it, or I'm completely fucking alone. Which isn't fucking funny.
- Bank manager: People make mistakes.
- Fleabag: It's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils.
- Bank manager: Is that a joke?
- Fleabag: I don't know.
- Fleabag: There's always a stage when someone's falling in love with you that they lose their erection. They get confused, they panic, the stakes get too high, the blood rushes from their dick to their heart.
- Arsehole Guy: Oh, Jesus.
- Fleabag: And everything is fucked.
- Dad: Jesus, why do daughters say they get fucked up by their fathers when it's so often the other way round?
- Godmother: You know the most fascinating thing about Father here, is that his mother was originally a lesbian!
- Claire: Positive energy takes work. In the last six months, I've excelled. I take all the negative emotions and just bottle them and bury them and they never come out. I've basically never been better.
- Claire: Putting pine nuts on your salad doesn't make you a grown-up.
- Fleabag: [aside] Fucking does!
- Claire: No! Just get your hands off my miscarriage! It's mine! It's mine!
- Counsellor: So, why do you think your father suggested you come for counselling?
- Fleabag: I think because my mother died and he can't talk about it and my sister and I didn't speak for a year because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband and because I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart. [aside] I'm good at this!
- Counsellor: Do you really want to fuck the priest, or do you want to fuck God?
- Fleabag: Can you fuck God?
- Counsellor: Oh yes.
- Fleabag: Look, just please tell me how to not fuck a priest. Before I get arrested.
- Belinda: Women are born with pain built in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don't. They have to seek it out. They invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we also do very well on our own. And then they create wars, so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren't any wars they can play rugby. And we have it all going on in here, inside. We have pain on a cycle for years and years and years and then, just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens? The menopause comes. The fucking menopause comes and it is the most most wonderful fucking thing in the world! And, yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get fucking hot and no-one cares, but then you're free. No longer a slave, no longer a machine, with parts. You're just a person in business.
- Fleabag: Oh. I was told it was horrendous.
- Belinda: It is horrendous, but then it's magnificent.
- Claire: You'll always be fine. You'll always be interesting, with your quirky cafe and your dead best friend. You just make me feel like I've failed.
- Fleabag: Claire...
- Claire: If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.
- Fleabag: It's huge!
- Fleabag: Do you think I should become a Catholic?
- The Priest: No, don't do that. I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.
- The Priest: Celibacy is a lot less complicated than romantic relationships.
- Fleabag: What if you meet someone you like?
- The Priest: I talk and drink and laugh and give them Bibles, and hope they eventually leave me alone.
- The Priest: I'd really like to be your friend, though.
- Fleabag: I'd like to be your friend, too. [aside] We'll last a week.
- The Priest: [spooked] What was THAT!?
- Fleabag: What?
- The Priest: Where did... where did you just go?
- Fleabag: What?
- The Priest: You just went somewhere.
- [Fleabag glances aside to camera]
- The Priest: There! There! Where did you just go?
- Fleabag: Nowhere.
- The Priest: Why would you believe in something awful when you could believe in something wonderful?
- Fleabag: Don't make me an optimist, you will ruin my life.
- Fleabag: Quaker meeting. You're not allowed to speak. If the Spirit moves you to speak, you have to stand up and share it with everyone. It's very intense. It's very quiet. It's very, very erotic.
- [Fleabag is talking about her late mother.]
- Fleabag: I don't know what to do with it.
- Boo: With what?
- Fleabag: With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now.
- Boo: I'll take it.
- [Fleabag laughs]
- Boo: No, I'm serious. It sounds lovely. I'll have it.
- Fleabag: I know exactly what I want right now.
- The Priest: What's that?
- Fleabag: It's bad.
- The Priest: It's okay.
- Fleabag: I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.
- The Priest: Okay, well, I think there are people who can...
- Fleabag: No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I've been getting it wrong. And I know that's why people want people like you in their lives. Because you just tell them how to do it. You just tell them what to do, and what they'll get out of the end of it. Even though I don't believe your bullshit, and I know that scientifically nothing I do makes any difference in the end anyway, I'm still scared! Why am I still scared?! So just tell me what to do. Just fucking tell me what to do, Father!
- Fleabag: Hair is everything. We wish it wasn't, so we could actually think about something else occasionally, but it is. It's the difference between a good day and a bad day. We're meant to think that it's a symbol of power. That it's a symbol of fertility. Some people are exploited for it and it pays your fucking bills! Hair is everything, Anthony.
- Martin: Is that a bassoon in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?
- Fleabag: Would you say that to your son?
- Martin: When he has his bassoon, sure. But he's never pleased to see me, so...
- Fleabag: It doesn't even make sense. Why would a bassoon in my hand...
- Martin: Like a dick in your hand.
- Fleabag: Oh, right. So if I was walking towards you with an amputated dick in my hand you'd think I was horny.
- Martin: Well, I'd assume that you had been.
- Fleabag: My priest is here and he really needs some guidance.
- Hot Misogynist: What? Is he okay?
- Fleabag: No, I'm hoping he's having an emotional crisis.
- Fleabag: Priests have sex, you know. A lot of them actually do. They don't burst into flames. I Googled it.
- The Priest: I can't have sex with you, because I'll fall in love with you. And if I fall in love with you, I won't burst into flames, but my life will be fucked.
- Martin: I am not a bad guy! I just have a bad personality, it's not my fault. Some people are born with fucked personalities.
- Claire: [to Fleabag] The only person I'd run through an airport for is you.
- The Priest: [wedding homily] Love is awful! It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening. Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself. Distance yourself from the other people in your life. Make you selfish. Makes you creepy! Makes you obsessed with your hair. Makes you cruel! Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do! It's all any of us want and it's hell when we get there! So, no wonder it's something we don't want to do on our own. I was taught if we're born with love, then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot. It "feeling right". When it feels right it's easy. But I'm not sure that's true. It takes strength to know what's right. And love isn't something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is when you find somebody that you love it feels like hope.
- Fleabag: Let's just leave that out there just for a second on its own: I love you.
- The Priest: It'll pass.