[the "five-point plan"] All right, now pay attention. First of all, Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. 'Oh, Debbie. Hi.' Two, you always call the shots. 'Kiss me. You won't regret it.' Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. 'Isn't this great?' Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of ya. It's a classy move. 'Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice.' And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
[upon entering the restaurant, Spicoli and his two friends take off their shirts]
Brad: Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here.
Spicoli: Well, something must have happened to them.
[Brad points out the sign on the door]
Spicoli: [reading] No shirt, no shoes...
Spicoli and Stoner Buds: No dice! Ohhhh.
Brad: Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Spicoli: He's the full hot orator.
[The guys begin counting out change to pay for their food]
Brad: Why don't you get a job Spicoli?
Spicoli: What for?
Brad: You need money.
Spicoli: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.
Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.
Mark: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.
Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.
Mark: The attitude?
Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.
Spicoli: Hey, you're ripping my card.
Mr. Hand: Yes.
Spicoli: Hey bud, what's your problem?
Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.
Spicoli: [stunned] You dick!
Mr. Hand: [passing back quizzes] C, D, F, F, F. Three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people, on dope? Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms, is he still on campus? Anyone?
[Desmond raises hand]
Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond?
Desmond: I saw him outside, near the food machines.
Mr. Hand: How long ago?
Desmond: Right before class.
Mr. Hand: All right. Bring him in.
Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside of your heads? There are some teachers at this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play. They pretend they don't see you, and you pretend you don't ditch! Now, in the end, who pays the price? YOU!
Spicoli: [entering] Hey, wait a minute. There's no birthday party for me here! Hola, Mr. Hand.
Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy?
Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time.
Mr. Hand: You mean you couldn't or wouldn't?
Spicoli: See, there was a full crowd at the food lines.
Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on your time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why must you shamelessly waste my time like this?
Spicoli: [thinks it over] I don't know.
Mr. Hand: [writes I DON'T KNOW on the chalkboard and then steps back to admire it] I like that. Hmm Hmm. "I don't know," that's nice. 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' 'Gee Mr. Spicoli, I don't know.' That's nice, I really like that. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to leave your words on my board for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.
Spicoli: All right!
Damone: This is going to be great, Rat. It's like the highlight of their day.
Mark: Hey maybe we'd better call first. I dunno about dropping in like...
Damone: What are you kidding? We're gonna surprise them. Look, just fix your collar, alright? Relax, just be cool, attitude, remember? Where'd you get that, outta the hamper?
Mark: Hey, come on, this is clean.
Damone: Look Rat, it's like riding a bike. Fall off; you're right back on. Mess up a date, do it again.
[after Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car]
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!
Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.
[Spicoli has had a pizza delivered to class]
Mr. Hand: Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Spicoli: Learning about Cuba, and having some food.
Mr. Hand: Mr.Spicoli, You're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my time.
Spicoli: I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? Certainly, there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.
Mr. Hand: [takes away box of pizza from Spicoli] You're absolutely right, Mr. Spicoli. It is our time. Yours, mine and everyone else's in this room. But it is my class.
Mr. Hand: [calls up a couple of students] Mr. Spicoli has been kind enough to bring us a snack. Be my guest. Help yourselves. Get a good one.
Stacy: Linda, I finally figured it out. I don't want sex. Anyone can have sex.
Linda: Yeah, Stacy? What do you want?
Stacy: I want a relationship. I want romance.
Linda: You want romance? In Ridgemont? We can't even get cable TV here, Stacy, and you want romance!
Mark: [inside the locker room] Mike tell me what went on between you and Stacy.
Damone: We were out messing around and something happened.
Mark: What do you mean something happened.
Damone: Look I never even talked to her again. Rat if you asked me she's a very aggressive girl.
Mark: No, I don't know what you mean.
Damone: Rat, She never really was your girlfriend.
Mark: You know Damone I always stick up for you. They say oh, Damone that loud mouth - and they say that a lot. I say oh, no you just don't know Damone. I mean when they call you an idiot, I say Damone's not an idiot. Well, you know something maybe they know you pretty good. Maybe I'm just starting to find out.