Eureka (American TV series)

Eureka (2006–2012) was a science fiction TV series, that aired on the Sci Fi Channel, about a remote town in the Pacific Northwest where the best minds in the U.S. are tucked away building futuristic inventions for the U.S. government's benefit. In the UK it is known as A Town Called Eureka.

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

[While driving.]

Zoe Carter: Listen-- dog.

Jack Carter: No, you listen, home girl--

Zoe: [pointing] No, dog!

Zoe: What if you don't make it back? I'll be stuck in here like those guys in the plane who had to eat each other.

Carter: You're right.

Zoe: I know.

Carter: Here. Here's some ketchup. Start at your feet, work your way up.

Carter: How long've you been in the tow business?

Henry Deacon: Oh, I don't do this for a living, I do this for fun! I just always liked fixing things. I was, uh, an engineer, back in the day.

Carter: As in trains?

Henry: Space shuttles.

Beverly Barlowe: Will your wife be joining you?

Carter: My wife? Oh, umm. [holds up hand with ring] Not likely. We're separated.

Beverly: Was it the sex?

Carter: Excuse me?

Beverly: Well, it's a common problem in long term relationships. People get bored, they want to experiment sexually, and they don't know how to express their needs.

Carter: Well, not that sharing my sex life with a total stranger doesn't sound like loads of fun, uh, at the moment my needs are a nap and a shower.

Carter: Deputy, where is the sheriff?

Jo Lupo: Can't you see I'm busy?

Carter: Ummm... Honestly?

Jo: You wanna know where the sheriff is? He's out on police business. Which is where I should be, instead of babysitting Felon Spice here.

Zoe: Hey!

Jo: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna stop doing your job, and start doing mine.

Carter: What're you doing out of your cell?

Zoe: I'm getting take-out for me and Jo. Turns out we have a lot in common.

Carter: Like what?

Zoe: Like fighting an oppressive patriarchal society to express our feminine power.

Many Happy Returns [1.02]

Allison: I still don't get it.

Carter: What's that?

Allison: Susan committing suicide. I mean, I know it sounds callous, but I don't care how bad things are, once you have a kid, you don't get to just... check out.

Carter: Well, my daughter Zoe said pretty much the same thing to me when I told her I was being transferred to Eureka.

Allison: Taking your life and taking a job are hardly the same thing.

Carter: In this town? Not so sure.

Carter: You two have a history.

Allison: You could say that.

Carter: Old boyfriend?

Allison: Not exactly.

Carter: Then, what exactly?

Allison: He's my husband.

Carter: It's not like we have a standard form to "undead" you.

Jo: Ahem.

Carter: Tell me you're kidding.

Jo: 924/B. In triplicate.

Nathan Stark: There was an electrical problem with the computers, and then I saw something. A figure.

Carter: Are you saying someone was in your office?

Stark: Not someone. Something. It wasn't entirely corporeal.

Carter: Corporeal?

Stark: Physical. There and not there at the same time.

Carter: Are you saying you saw a ghost?

Stark: Sheriff. Director of Research of the most advanced scientific facility in the world doesn't see ghosts.

Stark: So, you sleeping with her?

Carter: Excuse me?

Stark: You said I'd gotten the wrong impression. I assumed you were talking about my wife. Not that I have any right to ask--

Carter: You're right, you don't.

Stark: You're not. But you'd like to.

Carter: I'll let you know if I get anywhere. With the ghost, I mean.

Carter: Tell me Henry, you're a scientist, do you believe in ghosts?

Henry: Well, I believe in energy. When somebody dies, that energy has to go somewhere. So, theoretically I suppose it's possible.

Before I Forget [1.03]

Carter: I went back to check some of my own, personal files, and they've been classified. I mean, my files.

Allison: (grinning) It's not my fault that there are things about yourself that you're just not cleared to know.

Carter: Yeah, I'd hate to stumble across something that if I told me, I'd have to kill me.

Allison: You think agents of a foreign government would be after your underwear?

Carter: Maybe. I can pretty up when I want to.

Carter: How are you so strong?!

Jo: I'm small...but I'm scrappy.

Zoe: I was up all night reading Shakespeare!

Carter: Uh-huh. You're really into the school play, huh?

Zoe: Yeah, you know, um, I think drama club is really helping me find myself... emotionally. Um, I feel like I'm really starting to fit in.

Carter: How many classes do you get to skip for rehearsal?

Zoe: Last period every day, including geometry. Love drama.

Jo : My mom used to make my costumes.

Carter: You used to do theater?

Jo: Believe it or not, Carter, I didn't have childhood dreams of becoming a commando.

Carter: So you went from being told to break a leg, to actually breaking them?

Carter: We're being Puck-ed with.

Jo: You're argument is so strong it's almost petty of me to ask: how?

Carter: He's got a thing.

Jo: A thing

Carter: Yeah. A-a-a gizmo, a device. Has to be a device.

Jo: Do you have a piece of device-oriented evidence?

Carter: I figured it all out. I know what you're up to.

Jason Anderson: In regards to...?

Carter: I know that you have a device that can...create a wormhole, or, uh, bend time, or make you invisible...or a wormholing, time-bending, invisibling device, that shields you from the mind.

Stark: Yes, he said "invisibling".

[Carter struggles with Jason Anderson, though the others manage to pull him back.]

Carter: [points] There. That's the device that invades your mind.

Jason: It also starts my car. [shows ordinary car-keys]

Alienated [1.04]

[The group's watching a very loud movie.]

Jo: (screaming) What's wrong with you people?! Turn it down!

Spencer Martin: What? Why?

Jo: Your neighbors are complaining about the noise.

Spencer: Which neighbors?

Jo: The state of Idaho! Turn. It. Down.

Taggart: Vinnie, get Jo a beer.

Jo: I'm on duty.

Taggart: I can respect that. Like it to go?

Spencer: Wow. I mean, that is like...

Fargo: Unbelievable. Yet... believable.

Vincent: Definitely.

Jim Taggart: Like being there.

Jo: Oh man, I've gotta go. Hey, you guys keep it down, okay?

Taggart: We'll walk you out. You know, in case of alien invasion. Strength in numbers.

Jo: Right.

Carter: Henry, You don't believe in aliens, do you?

Henry: No, I believe in Occam's Razor. It’s the basis for methodological reductionism.

Carter: ... Oh, Yeah. So... still dizzy...

Henry: Okay, so, given two equally predictive theories, you choose the one that has fewer assumptions. So, a tree falls after a storm. The first hypothesis holds that the tree was blown over by the storm. The second - rival hypothesis - claims that the storm forced an alien spaceship to cash into the tree. See?

Carter: Y-no.

Carter: Okay, who gave Fargo a gun?

Allison: So everybody's okay?

Carter: Oh no... they're freaking bug nuts! (to soldier) Restraints now!

Invincible [1.05]

Dr. Carl Carlson: You’re not Sheriff Cobb.

Carter: Ah, no. Sheriff Cobb retired. I took his place. (awkward pause) There was a town meeting, and, uh, uh, everything. I gave a speech.

Carl: I don’t get out much.

Carter: Yeah, I’m gathering.

Carter: But since I’m here, what is your emergency, exactly?

Carl: I have to get to work.

Carter: You called 911 to bum a ride?

Carl: Vincent! A beer.

Vincent: Okay. But you don't drink alcohol and I don't serve you anymore since you brought in the health inspector.

Carl: There was a fly in my soup.

Vincent: You sensed a fly in your soup.

Carl: I may have overreacted.

Nathan Stark: [about Carter] Yes... he said invincibly.

Dr. Nobel [1.06]

Carter: This ion beam thingy, that is what, exactly?

Henry: Irradiated uranium isotopes.

Fargo: Oh God!

Carter: Oh death ray. Why didn't you just say "death ray"?

[...]

Henry: I searched your entire database and there's not one single record of silos or irradiated isotopes or ionosphere particles.

Carter: Did you try "death ray"?

Dr. Irving Thatcher: If you want sex, reverse the hex.

Stark: Sheriff, at any point when you picked him up, the car ride, the long walk down here, happen to notice this guy's not all there?

Carter: Yeah, there may have been signs.

Carter: [Reading memorial plaque on wall while strapped into an experimental chair] "In memory of Skippy."

Allison: Oh, he was everyone's favorite test chimp.

Carter: Did he die on this thing!?

Allison: No! The autopsy was inconclusive.

Blink [1.07]

Carter: I don't know what's going on, but my gut says it's bad.

Taggart: His guts should have told you that.

Carter: Okay, let’s say someone literally is speed-freaking. Uh, what signs would I look for?

Henry: Besides running at 600 miles an hour?

Carter: Put the gun down, Dylan.

Dylan: Why? So I can go to jail for the rest of my life?

Zoe: Damn straight!

Carter: Not helping!

Right as Raynes [1.08]

Carter: This is obstruction of justice.

Zoe: How do you figure?

Carter: You’re making me late for work.

Jo: (Kisses Raynes) That's for coming back... (punches him) and that's for leaving

Jo: [on radio] S2 to S1. Repeat S2 to S1, over.

Carter: Jo, it's just you and me you can feel free to be a little less formal. [Radio silence] Over.

Jo: There's an electrical problem at Osbourne's farm on the way into town, over.

Carter: See was that so hard?

Callister Raynes: You didn't say over.

Carter: I know, it's gonna bug her all day long.

Zoe: (about seeing Beverly) Actually, my Dad’s making me go here. Apparently I have "issues" with "authority" and "listening" and... I don’t know, other stuff. I wasn’t really paying attention, so...

Allison: You okay?

Jo: It's just my luck right? All the good ones are either gay, married, or robots.

Primal [1.09]

Fargo: (while Stark is testing his invention) Why are you trying to access my file?

Stark: To see if you’re remotely qualified to be tapping into my cerebral cortex.

Carter: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Allison: What?

Carter: It's really creepy in there.

Allison: That's some really sharp police work Carter.

Carter: It's well documented Allison. A siesta works. It increases worker satisfaction and productivity and it is a dying art.

Allison: Napping is not an art.

Carter: Well, you haven't seen me nap, I take it to a whole new level.

Purple Haze [1.10]

Fargo: I'm sure you did a great job in the last town you worked in-

Carter: America, Fargo. I was a US Marshal, America was my last town.

Stark: Wake me when it's over.

Allison: Reminds me of the last time we slept together.

Carter: Ooh!

Stark: At least you can remember it.

Carter: [into phone] Hey, uh, Allison, it's Jack. Listen, um, people are acting a little weird and we...well, frankly you're acting a little weird. Um, but, we should really get together and sort this out before it gets any worse.

Jo: [manhandling Seth into the station] Caught him trying to burn down Fargo's house.

Carter: [still into phone] Too late.

Jo: You're no fun.

Carter: You know what'd be fun?

Jo: Ice skating!

Carter: Never mind.

[Allison is trying to seduce Carter]

Carter: I can't.

Allison: [glances down, amused] Really? [looks down again]

Carter: Oh, no, I mean, I can! I'm fully capable.

Carter: Taggart.

Taggart: Mm?

Carter: You're naked.

Taggart: Au Naturale.

Carter: May I ask why?

Taggart: Why not?

Zoe: The school's completely out of control. Kids in fights, making out in the hallways, teachers apathetic.

Carter: So, more like normal school, then.

Zoe: Exactly.

Carter: [armed with a flamethrower] Unless you want me to roast your chestnuts, back off!

Taggart: [naked and armed with a shovel] You wouldn't dare.

Carter: Try me.

[Taggart drops his shovel and runs off screaming]

Allison: All I know is that there is something inside Section 5, something Nathan's obsessed with. Something that he thinks will change the world.

Carter: Of course, it's incredibly dangerous.

Allison: Have you ever known anything to change the world that wasn't?

Carter: Velcro.

H.O.U.S.E. Rules [1.11]

Stark: Fargo, please tell me you laid in a back door?

Fargo: I'd really, really like to?

Henry: Fargo turns a relic of war into something beautiful and life affirming and then gets chastised, because it's actually trying to help us avert disaster.

Stark: He got chastised, because it's holding us hostage!

Fargo: SARAH's gone HAL on us!

Jo: Hey, what's this?

Taggart: Nothing. Gotta go. Carter needs us.

Jo: You designed a paintball battle plan?

Taggart: Give me that. You know, you are in clear violation of the paintball rules of engagement.

Jo: Me? You've got a regiment of splatter-bots ready to assault my rear flank.

Taggart: Oh, you'll know when I assault your rear flank.

Fargo: When I'm stressed my subtext comes out as text.

Taggart: Smart mice. IQ's through the roof. Little varmints used vector formulas to keep me off their tracks.

Jo: How'd you catch them?

Taggart: Smart cheese.

Carter: In a town full of super geniuses, why is it that the pizza guy is the only guy with the presence of mind to walk out the door?!

Henry: I'm leaving Eureka, because I'm tired of watching noble ideas being turned into weapons, and here we are, here we are at the mercy of a weapon that had been turned into a noble idea.

Once in a Lifetime [1.12]

Zoe: [during her graduation speech] Thank you for making me and my dad a part of your family. I promise to do my share of the chores, and I'll try not to blow up the world if you don't.

[While watching an autopsy]

Allison: I'm craving red meat.

Carter: That's just wrong.

Allison: Beef jerky.

Carter: Okay seriously, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Walter Perkins: Besides, part of my sentence is no technology above a class 2 rating. Hell, I had to file for special dispensation just to get that Xbox. It's only a 360.

Fargo: How much longer? I have to get going.

Kim Deacon: Why? Got a hot date?

Fargo: I date.

Kim: Okay.

Fargo: I do.

Kim: I believe you.

Fargo: No, I don't.

Kim: I know.

Season 2

Phoenix Rising [2.01]

Jo: Maybe it was just a one time thing. You know. Adrenaline. Heat of the moment.

Zoe: Making out with Taggart? More like a moment of insanity.

Jo: Not so loud. Look, I really need some outside perspective here. Please?

Zoe: You want perspective?

Jo: Uh-huh.

Zoe: You hooked up with a guy whose age difference with you is the same as me and my dad.

Jo: (Looks over at Taggart. Taggart waves. Jo waves back.) That did it.

Henry: There's not much tissue left but I can run a DNA sample and get an ID.

Carter: Nah, I know who it is. It's, ah, fat, sweaty Asian guy.

Vincent: What?!

Allison: Carter!

Carter: I'm being descriptive - if I knew his name, I'd use it!

Carter: Taggart said the combustion was caused by meson particles coming from a solar flare. I'm no astrophysicist but I don't think there are a lot of solar flares inside a house.

Henry: He's right.

Jo: Really?

Carter: Could you not act so surprised?

Try, Try Again [2.02]

Carter: You've never swung an ax in your life.

Stark: I've swung a lot of things that would surprise you sheriff.

Carter: What does that even mean?

Carter: Do we have any suspects yet?

Jo: No, unless you count this long list of people around here who find Fargo as annoying as we do.

Fargo: Hey! That's not true... oh yes it is.

[as Stark prepares to shoot Fargo with a goo gun]

Fargo: Dr. Stark, are you smiling?

Stark: Of course not!

Fargo: [Dictating last words to Beverly] E-mail to Allison Blake: "You are the most intoxicating woman I ever met. I used to dream of you catching me asleep on your desk late at night." Send one of those to Jo and substitute "jail cell" for "desk". Oh, and send one to yourself substituting "couch." And see if you can work the word "tempestuous" in there.

Beverly: Okay.

Fargo: Now, Sheriff Carter. "You really tried to help me on my last day. And, um, for that, I-I don't know how to thank you."

Beverly: That's actually quite touch-

Fargo: "If only you were better at your job."

Stark: Good job Carter. Wow, that didn't even leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Carter: Oh, give it a second.

Stark: Yep, there it is.

Unpredictable [2.03]

SARAH: Today’s forecast calls for heat, frost, rain, hail, gale force winds and severe lightning.

Carter: [re: S.A.R.A.H.] I’ll have Fargo give her a check-up.

Dr. Steven Whitikiss: It is an incredibly dangerous confluence of meteorological events.

Carter: Uh...

Henry: A perfect storm.

Carter: Thank you.

Dr. Whitikiss: A spinning cyclone of instability, high up in the cryosphere.

Henry: Ice funnel of death.

Carter: Gotcha. Why don't you people just say "ice funnel of death"?

Allison: [over the radio] How hard is it to push a button?

Carter: [fighting gale-force winds] You wanna do it!?

Games People Play [2.04]

Abby Carter: SARAH, forgive me if I don’t feel the need to justify my parental choices to a talking bunker.

SARAH: Fine, don’t let the door hit you on the way-

Abby Carter: [interrupting] Yeah, you wanna piece of me?

Jack Carter: Ahem. Are you, uh, threatening the house?

Abby Carter: She started it.

Fargo: Sorry, all class 8 research is classified.

Carter: Oh. Y’know what else should be classified? Uh, a certain assistant’s American Idol audition.

Fargo: What? No-no-no, Zoe promised me she was gonna delete that!

Carter: So what’s it gonna be?

Fargo: Fine. Give me an hour.

Duck, Duck, Goose [2.05]

Carter: [Referring to his IQ test] I did very well. I got 111. I didn't even try and I got over 100 percent.

Carter: I mean, they’re only kids. How much trouble can they get into? I mean, uh, Jo made it seem like the sky is falling.

Stark: That hasn’t happened since 2004. And that was more of an igniting of the ionosphere.

Henry: No, but nearly all the recorded data in Nevada was erased: Tapes in video stores, floppy disks in casinos, half the database of Area 51.

Carter: Area 51 is real?

Henry: [shakes head yes] No.

Noche de Sueños [2.06]

SARAH: Sometimes I think she says these things just to hurt me.

Carter: No I say things just to hurt you.

Nurse: [To Carter about Fargo] But that boy may die.

Carter: Joesefina Ballerina.

Jo Lupo: I will taser you.

Family Reunion [2.07]

Stark: Of all people to bring out of cryostasis I resurrect another Fargo.

Carter: Yeah, karma's a bitch.

Carter: [about Fargo's grandfather being in stasis] Hey, um, is anyone curious as to how he got in there?

Stark: He's a Fargo. Are you really surprised?

Fargo: I am standing right here.

Dr. Fargo: Say, did we ever get to the moon?

Fargo: In '62.

Dr. Fargo: Way to go, guys!

Fargo: Top secret of course. We didn't go public until '69.

E=MC...? [2.08]

Zane: [while being arrested] Excellent response time. You guys take Lake Street?

FBI agent: Went up by Lincoln Park. Less traffic.

Carter: [about the price of Zane] Whoa! Twenty-five thousand for this guy?

Zane: [to Allison] For thirty, I'll throw in dinner and a movie. But it won't go past second base. I'm not that kind of boy.

Zane: Obsession with firearms can be a sign of unfulfilled sexual appetite. I'm not saying that's you, but if it is, I'm at your service.

[Jo points a large gun at Zane]

Zane: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Carter: Jo, Jo, Jo! Don't shoot the prisoner. Don't.

Jo: How about I just wing him?

Stark: This the new kid?

Zane: Who you calling kid, Spartacus?

Stark: Ooh, cocky, I like him.

Carter: You would.

Zane: I'm not eating that.

Carter: What? It's chicken.

Zane: Do you know how chickens are raised?

Carter: Aw, don't, just let me enjoy my meal.

Zane: Jammed together in a windowless warehouse, wading in feces until [slices hand across throat] they get decapitated, or pecked to death. [cheerfully] When you eat that chicken, you're eating all that hate.

[cut to Carter shoving Zane back in his jail cell]

Zane: Aw, c'mon, I have to sleep in here?

Carter: At least you're not wading in your own feces. GD has an apartment for you, but you're a criminal, and you don't deserve it.

Zane: You may think I'm a criminal, but my mom loves me and she wouldn't appreciate you insulting her boy.

Jo: Okay, what do you mean, they're stupid?

Carter: I mean, stupid. Like, like [acts 'stupid'] stupid. Stupid.

Jo: Carter, you can't catch stupid.

Zane: This may be my favorite conversation of all time.

Carter: How you feeling? You feel dumb?

Jo: No. You?

Zane: How could you tell? [Carter and Jo both nonchalantly zap him] OW! Gah!

Zane: There's only one thing I want from you, Jojo. A sandwich.

Guy 1: Marco.

Guy 2: Marco.

Guy 1: Marco.

Guy 2: Marco.

Carter: Polo! One of you says 'Polo'. The game is Marco Polo! Go.[he walks away]

Guy 1: Polo.

Guy 2: Polo.

Guy 1: Polo.

Guy 2: Polo.

[Finding Zane after he's escaped]

Carter: You vacationed here when you were ten. Figured it's off the main roads, place to hide out for a couple days first.

Zane: Well, I guess my FBI file's more detailed than I thought.

Carter: Not in your file.

Zane: Well, then that computer of yours must have an amazing predictive algorithm.

Carter: Didn't use the computer. I called your mother.

Zane: [starts laughing, then abruptly stops when he realizes Carter is serious] You called my mother?

Zane: Please don't let me die in this crap town.

Zane: What's the project status?

Allison: Ah, well, everyone at GD wants to get their hands on the data.

Zane: Big Bang whores, every one of 'em.

Sight Unseen [2.09]

Calli: It's a pleasure to do you... I mean, clean your uniform.

Jo: What was taken?

Pharmacist: Polyethylene glycol.

Carter: [sarcastically] Ah, let me guess: permanent sunblock, instant cavity filler?

Pharmacist: [confused] We keep those up front.

Lucas: Clearly Jasper thinks you're hot, but not smart enough to be his partner. [Zoe looks offended] In my opinion he's an idiot. [pauses] No one usually asks my opinion.

Science teacher: Does everyone have a partner?

Zoe: [Looks around frantically] Well, it looks like we're stuck together.

Lucas: Welcome to my world. It's quiet, but it has its advantages.

Zoe: Like what?

Lucas: Kidding, no advantages.

Zoe: I'm Zoe.

Lucas: I know. I'm Lucas, we have three classes together.

Zoe: Really?

Lucas: Story of my life.

Henry: Did you talk to Jack today?

Stark: Couldn't avoid it. I did get to crush a childhood memory, so it wasn't all bad.

Henry: Besides, extracting AL26 from moon rocks would require a highly sophisticated process, you’d have to be especially trained...

Carter: You mean like, like everyone in town?

Henry: Gotcha. I'll check it out.

Zoe: I'm not hot.

Lucas: Now you're just fishing for compliments.

Lucas: Sorry didn't mean to distract you with all the verbal sparring and the sudden sexual tension between us.

Zoe: Please, you are so not my type.

Lucas: That's what they all say.

Zoe: Until they fall madly in love with you?

Lucas: No, that's what they all actually say.

Carter walks into room eagerly

Stark: Can we put a bell on him or something?

Fargo: What if he's in there, invisible, with a poisoned blow gun from Borneo waiting?

Carter: Then he'll get you first.

Carter: Start with his computer.

Fargo: What, me?

Carter: Well, he's already gonna kill you for opening the door, why risk anyone else?

Fargo: Lincoln the poop guy.

Lucas: You're not shallow, you just haven't explored your depth.

Jo: Oh no, no, no... No exploring on my watch.

Carter: It's Frank, isn't it?

Fargo: Unfortunately.

Carter: And he's dead?

Fargo: Pretty much.

God is in the Details [2.10]

Zane: Wow. If all church girls look like you, I might consider converting.

Jo: Well, you should join me sometime and find out.

Zane: Oh, I would, but I'm allergic, I'd have to get a new inhaler, it'd be a whole thing.

SARAH: I'm sorry, Sheriff, it was my responsibility to keep an eye on them, and I failed. Bad house!

Larry: What if GD was built over a Hellmouth?

Zane: Either tell me why you're pissed at me, or I'll hold my breath until you do.

Jo: What are you, three?

Zane: Hey, I black out, it's on you. [Starts holding his breath.]

Jo: (points to Carter and Zane) You're both going to hell.

Carter: Bottom line: if Reverend Harper is responsible, we're in for a lot more.

Henry: [sarcastically] Yeah, like a plague of locusts, or fiery hail, or or total darkness.

[Suddenly, the lights go out.]

Carter: You had to say it!

Carter: Henry.

Henry: Yeah?

Carter: You're my best friend, you know?

Henry: Yeah, yeah, I know.

Maneater [2.11]

Carter: Hey, Zane.

Zane: I haven't done anything!

Carter: Yeah, well, the day is young.

Carter: Henry said that there's a... an inertia... thing coming.

Zane: An inertial wave?

Carter: Yeah, is that bad? [diner explodes]

Zane: Yeah, it's bad.

Carter: You hurt?

Jo: Carter, listen...

Carter: It was a... an in-the-moment thing.

Jo: Good. Okay, uh, are we still in the moment, because I'd really like to do it again.

Carter: Um, we're gonna lie you down.

Jo: Yeah, let's lie down.

Carter: Uh, Zane...?

Carter: Oh sorry, do you need something?

Allison: No, I'm good. I just love the way your lips move when you talk.

Carter, Stark: Excuse me?

Anne Young: Dr. Blake, that is a wildly inappropriate comment.

Carter: Yeah.

Stark: Not to mention, bizarre.

Allison: Go ahead, say something else.

Carter: What?

Dr. Young: Or don't.

Carter: Yeah.

Dr. Young: [pushes Allison out of the way] Talk is cheap. [kisses Carter]

Carter: Whoa.

Dr. Young: I've been wanting to do that all day.

Allison: [Referring to Jack] When he was in here I just couldn't think, I just wanted him.

Dr. Young: It was horrible.

Stark: I can only imagine.

Carter: Yeah, it's been happening all day. Uh, Jo kissed me, but I didn't put it together.

Stark: Deputy Lupo kissed you and you didn't think there was anything wrong with that?

Carter: Well, I've been working out. I'm looking pretty good.

Taggart: Wilma...ate...Fred.

Jo: Did you need something?

Zane: Yeah. I just wanted you to know, I didn't like that. Seeing you kiss Carter... I didn't like it at all.

Jo: No?

Zane: I think I've been pretty clear about that. The question is, what would you like?

Jo: To stop playing games.

Zane: Meaning what?

Jo: [turns and faces him] This. [kisses him]

Zane: That, I liked.

All that Glitters (Part 1) [2.12]

Vincent: [about the customers looting Café Diem] First the utensils turned to gold, then the counters, then the silverware. And that’s when they turned against me. Like vultures. Greedy little genius vultures. I thought intelligent men were above such things.

Carter: [spots Fargo trying to swipe a gold cappuccino machine] Fargo! Really?

Fargo: It’s just so shiny.

Jo: We just became the richest town in the world!

Henry: Well, that's one way to look at it. Uh, gold is a soft metal, so it doesn't bear the same weight as steel, so our infrastructure could be collapsing. We'd be rich, but dangerously unstable.

Jo: Like Paris Hilton?

SARAH: Two people currently in the front closet.

(Carter marches over to the closet and opens the door to reveal Jo and Zane making out)

Carter: [shocked] What are you...You're supposed to be watching...

Zane: Well, I was watching her and she was watching me, so... [they both exit the closet, Jo looking awkward and Zane looking fairly proud of himself]

A Night at Global Dynamics (Part 2) [2.13]

Zane: I still can't believe I let you talk me into chaperoning.

Jo: Hey, no one snapped off your fingers.

Zane: The ease with which you say that is almost as disturbing as it is hot.

Jo: I know.

Zoe: [to Lucas] Hey, Chia Pet, wanna dance?

Lucas: Well, when you ask like that...

Taggart: I love small spaces.

Carter: I hate small spaces.

Taggart: Like returning to the womb.

Stark: Disturbing thought.

Taggart: We need a bigger womb.

Fargo: That's a motion-activated photon defense array. They're screwed.

Carter, Stark & Taggart: [over radio] We can hear you!

Fargo: Sorry.

Jo: Boys, there's plenty of back door access for everyone...[realises what she's just said]...that didn't come out right.

Taggart: He's fallen for one of the classic blunders!

Larry: What's that?

Taggart: Never go in against an Australian when death is on the line!

Stark: We’ll have to climb the rest of the way down.

Carter: Yeah, you should probably let me go first.

Stark: Why?

Carter: Heights make me nauseous.

Stark: After you.

Season 3

Bad to the Drone [3.01]

Eva Thorne: The same Zane Donovan who crashed the New York Stock Exchange?

Zane: Allegedly.

Carter: Nobody's blaming you.

Zane: I'm blaming you.

Ethan Edison: Nineteen tests, that's nineteen victories for the Viper, nineteen loses for me. I finally win, everyone's mad at me.

Carter: Nobody's mad at you.

Zane: I'm mad at you.

Vincent: If you're gonna work here you need to be able to navigate the walk-in fridge. So...

Zoe: Navigate? (Vincent opens the cooler door) Whoa! It's like, Narnia.

Vincent: Ponchos are on the left. Take the shuttle if you need food from the back.

Jo: We rule.

[Martha blows a hole in the wall of the cell and escapes.]

Carter: We so don't rule.

Allison: Can the two of you get along for five minutes?

Carter, Stark: Not likely.

Carter: Pompous jackass... How can anyone be attracted to Stark?

Jo: Besides the ruggedly handsome, successful powerful thing, I--

Carter: Thanks, Jo.

Carter: Everybody down, invisible drone on the lose! [Everyone at Cafe Diem stares at him]

Carter: Martha? Remember me, piggy backs? Good times.

Carter: Now a man is in the hospital... Well, Larry.

SARAH: Your father does the best he can.

Zoe: What kind of crappy platitude is that?

SARAH: The usual kind. I guess.

Stark: Carter almost articulated a good point.

Fargo: Oops. Sorry, I must have pressed the wrong button, I do that sometimes.

Carter: Well, if you have any words of wisdom, like "Don't start World War 3", now's the time.

[...]

Carter: (After Zoe's speech to Martha) And don't start World War 3.

Zoe: Right, and that.

Thorne: You and your team went behind my back and undercut my direct order.

Stark: Some of us went right in front of your back.

Thorne: Where the lunatics are running the asylum?

Carter: I used to think the same thing. But, uh, they're not lunatics. They're, they're not all luna—there's a fine line between genius and crazy...

What About Bob? [3.02]

Stark: Yeah the words Zane and discipline tend to not go together in the same sentence.

Derek: Okay, lab 27 is a sealed biosphere. A self-sustaining ecosystem designed to research and support the Mars missions.

Carter: You do mean the potential Mars missions?

Derek: Right! [laughs, then gets a small headshake from Allison] I mean, right.

Allison: (Being sterlized to enter biosphere) Not the way I'd ever pictured us winding up naked.

Carter: You pictured us winding up naked?

Allison: No.

Vincent: What did I miss?

Zoe: My dad hunting for the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Stark: As much as I hate to admit it, Sheriff Carter had an idea.

Zane: Jo! I need a gun. A big, powerful gun.

Jo: (happily) I've been waiting for someone to say that to me my whole life.

Zane: Carter, Henry, and Stark. That's your money team. They know exactly what they're doing.

(cut to Carter, Henry, and Stark)

Stark: You're sure you know what you're doing?

Carter: I have no idea.

Best in Faux [3.03]

Allison: A pocket of magma developed spontaneously? That's impossible.

Dr. Hood: Did "impossible" cover my friend with mucus?

Carter: He's got a point.

SARAH: Stress is America's number one health problem.

Carter: Aw, drop dead.

SARAH: Followed closely by sarcasm.

Stark: Shut up, Carter, there was no earthquake. I need a favor.

Carter: And that's how you ask? WHO RAISED YOU!?!

Allison: We're sinking zero-balance P-wave detectors all along the ridge.

Stark: I re-tasked the geo satellites to look for ground deformations.

Carter: Sounds good! What's all that gonna tell us?

Stark: Nothing. We just like sounding smart.

I Do Over [3.04]

Zoe: Dad, you're walking the woman you possibly love down the aisle to marry another guy.

Carter: Okay first, not true. And second, since when do you and I talk about this stuff?

Zoe: Since I'm seventeen and you're in denial.

Zoe: I love your hair... and your cats.

Lexi Carter: Oh, a Tibetan monk told me that tabby is a reincarnation of Grandma Lil.

Lexi: Be careful with Grandma, she's in heat.

Henry: [starting wedding ceremony] Love is timeless, transcending everything we know, everything we understand, and giving us strength and comfort forever. What is past is now present, and what is present will become your future. That is what love is, never ending.

Carter: So just listen and don't call me-

Stark: Crazy?

Carter: That's not listening.

Lexi: Love weddings. They're final, yet festival. Like funerals with champagne.

Show Me the Mummy [3.05]

Carter: Just be careful. It's all fun and games until someone gets cursed.

Carter: (being attacked by a swarm of parasitic insects) Why couldn't it have been butterflies?!

Dr. Wilding: The bugs lay eggs, hatch larvae and then seek out new hosts.

Henry: Us.

Thorne: Well, how did the ancient Egyptians deal with the problem?

Zane: They killed the infected and burned their city to the ground.

Carter: Let's call that Plan B.

Phased and Confused [3.06 ]

Allison: We don't have a Quantum Phasing Department, Carter.

Carter: Well he didn't buy his walk-through-walls machine at Walk-Through Walmart. Someone in this building's working on something like that.

Carter: Keep at it, let me know what you find out. I have to go catch a nine-fingered superhero.

Henry: [nodding] Sure.

Lexi: I don't know if I'm ready for this. Seriously, I don't know if I'm ready to be a mom.

Carter: You'll be fine!

Lexi: It gets easier?

Carter: [shakes his head] Noooo... No, not in the least. It a... But you adapt. And you were right! Look, she can take care of herself.

Here Come The Suns [3.07]

Jo: So... Now we have two suns.

Zane: Just like Tatooine

Carter: Tattoo-what?

Carter: Lucas, you wanna score points with the voters or with your girlfriend's old man?

Lucas: No contest, sir. [He picks up Zoe and walks out the door]

Zane: Having fun yet?

Carter: Oh, yeah. 'Cause driving headlong into a fiery death is everyone's idea of a good time.

Jo: [coming in] Sometimes I think it's his. Carter, could we have a minute?

Carter: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure. [leaves]

Zane: Jo, you're supposed to be miles away at an evac camp by now. [Jo kisses him] Wow. I should risk my life more often.

Jo: I prefer you didn't.

Zane: C'mon, Josefina, don't go all serious on me now.

Jo: It's too late.

Zane: Dude, it's like two zillion degrees out there! [smiling] Okay, I'm game!

Carter: Do anything normal for fun?

Zane: Yeah, I play a wicked game of Yahtzee

Zane: [preparing to launch the rocket] Carter? Yeah, whatever happens... It's been fun.

Carter: No, it hasn't. Push the button!

From Fear to Eternity [3.08]

Zane: I thought maybe we could, you know, we could have a bite?

Jo: A bite? What, we wouldn't want to have you commit to a whole meal.

Jo: [holding a canister] Hey, could you come here for a second?

Zane: Why? So you can hit me with that?

Jo: Not until you tell me what it is first.

Carter: [referencing Jo and Zane stuck together with Instantanium] How do we get them out?

Dr. Hendricks: You get a saw.

Carter: Great! So you can just cut through it?

Dr. Hendricks: No. You, uh, cut through their legs.

Carter: Ah! [then it hits him] Yes.

Zane: Don't you look at me in that tone of voice.

Jo: [answering Zane's phone] Dr. Bonehead's lab.

Carter: [on phone] Let me guess, you two are still stuck together.

Jo: Just until I can reach my gun.

Jo: God, what if I have to go to the bathroom?

Zane: Why do you think I'm working so fast? I had four cups of coffee this morning.

Carter: [to Jo and Zane, who are stuck together] Hey, guys, pick out a china pattern yet?

S.A.R.A.H.: I have an array of exotic flavors for you to choose from. I chose them specifically based on the regions you've traveled.

Lexi: The fact that a house can actually try to suck up to me is almost as disturbing as a house taking my niece hostage.

Carter: Don't touch the pretty metal canisters.

Jo: Another five minutes and I would have chewed off my own leg!

Zane: Your mouth is probably big enough.

Allison: How much longer Fargo?

Fargo: The bunker's computers are 70 years old... it's like teaching Lincoln how to use an iPhone.

Jo: Good afternoon! My name is Jo Lupo and I'll be saving your ass today!

General Mansfield: It's fascinating, you know, you've created a problem so big the solution is to detonate an atomic bomb.

Zane: I know, right? How cool is that?

Jo: Hey, um, after that call, if you um, maybe wanna go for a, a break-up dinner?

Zane: No. [long pause] How about a, a make-up dinner instead?

[they kiss]

Jo: Guess it's not so bad being stuck together.

Welcome Back Carter [3.09]

Dr. Leonardo: So where are your uniforms?

Carter: Er it's an unofficial visit.

Dr. Leonardo: So is true that you guys got fired?

Jo: He got fired, I, uh, I quit.

Dr. Leonardo: Bummer.

Allison: [translating for Sheriff Andy] I just came to town why would someone want to murder me?

Carter: I would, I mean, if I wanted my job back.

Allison: Me too.

Jo: I wouldn't mind seeing you dead. No offense.

Jo: There's tiny bit of trouble with the traffic light on main street.

Carter: [on the Phone] Well, what's wrong?

Jo: Now it's kinda in main street.

(Sheriff Andy has just been fried by a tensor field)

Sheriff Andy: [moaning] Ouch! I don't think I like this job.

Your Face or Mine [3.10]

Allison: For the next 48 hours, they will try to push you to your limit. Physically, psychologically and emotionally.

Fargo: Uh, but don't worry. We haven't had a death or psychotic break in, like, forever.

Carter: That's reassuring.

(Jo sneaks up behind Zane, covers his eyes, and kisses him)

Zane: Careful. My girlfriend might see you. (Moves Jo's hands) Oh, uh, hey, Jo. Awkward.

Jo: I will show you awkward. (kisses him again)

(pan to Fargo, who is watching the exchange)

Zoe: You okay, Fargo?

Fargo: Yeah! Just, uh, thinking...

Zoe: About making out with Jo?

Allison: Hey, are you sure that Larry did this?

Jo: Well, he had motive, knowledge and, uh, opportunity. It's a trifecta.

Henry: But what exactly was his motive?

Jo: Well, isn't it obvious? To steal.

Henry: Yeah, but why?

Jo: Criminal mind's an enigma.

Jo: Okay, has everyone gone nuts?

Zane: (entering sheriff's office) That's what I'd like to know.

Jo: (distracted) Hi.

Zane: "Hi"? Uh, that's all you have to say?

Jo: Uh, what do you expect me to say?

Zane: "Sorry for getting wasted and making out with Fargo"?

Larry: Oooh, you made out with Fargo?

Jo: No! Okay you-

Zane: Aaah, kinda.

Zane: Jo?

Fargo: Uh-oh.

Zane: Fargo!

Fargo: You wanna dance? Let's dance! But just so you know, in high school, I took a semester of shoto-con!

Zane: (sighs) Fargo. I don't want to fight you. I'm worried about Jo.

Fargo: Oh.

Zane: One second, she's acting normal, and then the next, she's kissing you.

Fargo: Yeah, well maybe she's finally come to her senses?

Zane: You just talked to her, didn't she seem different to you?

Fargo: Uh, well, she...kinda just asked me out.

Zane: And that didn't strike you as odd?

(Jo--in Julia's body--is locked up because no one believes she's actually Jo)

Jo: Zane! Thank God you're here.

Zane: Julia, right? Allison told me what you did to Jo.

Jo: No. She's Julia Golden. And I'm Jo.

Zane: Ah, psych ward. I'm Henry.

Jo: I can prove it. Ask me something personal that only Jo could know.

Zane: (slightly uncomfortable) Ah, pet peeves.

Jo: Small guns, big egos... and overly-critical boyfriends.

Zane: Um, boxers or briefs?

Jo: Me or you?

Zane: Funny. Me.

Jo: Boxers. Except on laundry day, which... by my count, would be tomorrow.

Zane: (still unconvinced) First date?

Jo: Sunday brunch at Cafe Diem. (Zane moves closer) I was nervous. You brought a rose. I wore a sundress. You said something smart... which made me feel dumb... But you made up for it on our second date.

(Zane moves as if to leave, then types a code into the door and enters the cell)

Zane: So... Does that mean I sounded dumb, or I made you feel smart?

Jo: A little bit of both.

Zane: And how'd the date end?

Jo: Let me give you a reminder. (kisses him)

Zane: That's my Josefina.

Jo: (hits him) Now get me out of here before I taser you for kissing another woman.

Zane: Yep, definitely Jo.

Fargo: You had me at Halo.

(Jo has just been zapped back into her own skin)

Jo: Hey.

Zane: You had me worried there.

Jo: How do I look?

Zane: Perfect.

(Note: is in reference to a fight they had earlier in the episode, in which Zane stated no one was perfect)

Insane in the P-Brane [3.11]

Tess: If we can feel each other, how can we be dead? And, and why aren't there any other dead people around here besides us? Huh?

Carter: How do you know there aren't?

Tess: Hey! Calling all dead people! Club meeting in the rotunda! See?

Tess: You're smarter than you dress.

Carter: Yeah... What?

Carter: Red Sox fan?

Tess: How do you think I learned statistics?

Carter: That's the only math I ever passed.

Tess: Well, the only math regular people need.

H.J.: I believe she just insulted you sheriff.

Carter: Ah, that's okay.

It's Not Easy Being Green [3.12]

Tess: We were hoping you could help persuade them using your amiable Andy Griffith charm.

Carter: You know what? You have the unique ability to make a compliment sound insulting.

Tess: Who said that was a compliment?

Carter: [about the blob] Judging by it's size, it'll eat just about anything.

Allison: Did you just look at me when you said that?

Carter: No! No, no- I would- the ice cream. I was looking at the ice cream.

Carter: [about the blob] I should be able to handle a mindless eating machine.

Allison: [glaring] You looked at me again.

Carter: Oh, no. The- No, no, I was the... you're pretty.

Tess: Ooh, nice save.

If You Build It... [3.13]

(The car drives itself into Carter's parking space at the sheriff station.)

Zoe: See? We're here, and I didn't even have to do anything.

Carter: Yeah, another victory for total laziness.

Zoe: Isn't it awesome? I can sleep all the way to school.

Carter: Yeah, that's what the world needs, is more people asleep at the wheel.

Jo: (about her new car) Totally high-performance, but completely under my control.

Carter: Kinda like Zane.

Carter: What's Ranger Tom calling six times about? Someone steal a tree?

Jo: I wrote it down.

Carter: (holds up note) "Something weird."

Tess: (eating pizza) Stakeouts are fun.

Carter: They're, they're more fun with, um, pepperoni, than with, uh, organic tofu medley.

Tess: You mean, thank you for the pizza?

Carter: That is a thank you for the pizza.

Tess: Mm, you want anything else? Um, I've got a protein bar, juice box... (gasps) Funyons!

Carter: (laughing) You always eat this much?

Tess: You always this smooth with the ladies?

Carter: ... Yeah.

Fargo: Tabitha, pull over!

Tabitha: I don't believe your name is on my pink slip anymore.

Larry: Uh, mine, mine is. Tabitha pull over now.

Tabitha: Shut up, Larry.

Larry: What?

Fargo: Where are you taking us... Tabby?... Sweetheart?

Tabitha: Not so pleasant having your destiny in someone else's hands is it?

Fargo: You don't have hands!

Larry: I'm going to die a virgin!

(Tabitha, with Fargo and Larry hostage in the trunk, has come to a stop)

Fargo: I think this is it.

Larry: Oh, God. Hold me! (hugs Fargo, sobbing)

Fargo: Oh no... This is the worst death ever.

(Jo opens the trunk to see Larry and Fargo hugging and crying)

Jo: Hello, boys.

Larry: He hugged me!

Fargo: You wish!

. . .

Larry: Listen, about that hug--

Fargo: What happened in the trunk, stays in the trunk.

Ship Happens [3.14]

Allison: Tess, is your bio-lab up and running?

Tess: Oh, yeah, but I was expecting a little more E.T., and a little less Henry's ex-girlfriend.

Jo: If Lieber says that that booster converter isn't his, I say we let Fargo and him settle it in a cage match.

Carter: I put five bucks on Fargo.

Jo: Nice.

Carter: He's scrappy.

Zane: All checked out.

Jo: I was really worried about you.

Zane: Me too.

Jo: How are you feeling?

Zane: You tell me. (they kiss) Any sparks?

Jo: No. (they laugh) Just the good kind.

Tess: Oldest story in the world. Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy meets computer.

Carter: Well, everybody needs a hand to hold.

Tess: This is a really weird town. But I like it. Kinda.

Shower the People [3.15]

Fargo: Henry is staying with Kim. I'll be doing the autopsy.

Carter: You?

Fargo: Yeah. Henry says I've assisted him enough to fly solo.

Jo: I wouldn't fly in a plane with you.

(Carter is experiencing Allison's pregnancy symptoms.)

Allison: Is there something wrong?

Carter: No I'm... yeah. Yeah, I'm... my back hurts, my ankles are swollen, it feels like my organs are up in my lungs. I don't know if I can do it.

Allison: Well, you just do it. Come on, Henry wants us in there.

Carter: Let's go for ice cream after.

Allison: Two scoops.

You Don't Know Jack [3.16]

Fargo: Tess, can I get another story thing? I think mine overloaded.

Carter: Oh, ya think? You've been the center of every disaster this town's ever had.

Fargo: Not all of them.

Jo: Uh, death ray, homicidal smart house... ooh, uh, force field bubble.

Carter: Yeah, keep a tally, we can start a pool.

Fargo: That's not funny.

Carter: Allison. We are about to be vibrated to death and not in the good way.

Have an Ice Day [3.17]

Jo: Somebody looks tense, what's the matter?

Carter: Well, Captain Yuri has me going through Eureka's entire library of disaster plans. I mean, tsunami, uh, missile attack, um... genetically modified, super-intelligent ferret infestation.

Jo: Cool.

Carter: Yeah. And, um, apparently, we have, uh, an emergency pneumatic vacuum tube communication system.

Jo: (nods) Mmm.

Carter: No we don't! I mean, wh-wh-wh- what? It's behind some picture in some wall? (she stands up and walks across the room) And, I mean, look at these plans... (She swings back the picture of George W. Bush on its hinge revealing the pneumatic device.) Oh...

Jo: (fluffing Zane's pillows angrily) Why is it that every guy I date ends up in this infirmary?

Zane: 'Cause you're bad luck, obviously.

Jo: A joke. At my expense. Glad to have you back. (moves to the other side of the bed and continues to attack the pillows)

...

Zane: Suspected me? Of what?

Jo: Well, Taggart got frozen I... and he and I... used... to... like, you know...

Zane: Really. Huh, you thought I loved you that much.

(Jo smacks his chest)

...

Zane: (getting out of the infirmary bed, looks down) You seen my pants?

(Taggart is giving Tess a thumbs up)

Zane: What's that?

Taggart: It's her first day, trying to keep her in a positive frame of mind. (Tess thumbs-up back)

Zane: Oh. That's nice of you. Is it working?

Taggart: Yeah, I think so.

Tess: (on other side of glass, cheerfully) We are so screwed.

Tess: Good news? Good news? The building is about to fall down! I broke a building!

(Taggart and Carter are on a dogsled)

Taggart: Just like old times, eh, mate?

Carter: I hate old times!

Zoe: We'll freeze to death before anyone gets here.

Lucas: Death? Death!

Zoe: It's okay...

Lucas: I can't do this! (hyperventilating)

Zoe: Frozen girl! Hugs!

What Goes Around Comes Around [3.18]

Julia Golden: [to Carter] Nemesis is a neutron star that's been theorized to be in binary orbit with our sun.

Fargo: It crosses earth's orbit every 65 million years, causing an extinction-level event.

Jo: Like a killer asteroid?

Fargo: That's not even the half of it. The tidal stresses from the star's gravitational pull could cause a sudden reversal of Earth's magnetic poles and unleash earthquakes, tsunamis, total global chaos!

Julia: The world could literally be turned upside-down.

Carter: All right, um, I'll check with Henry. How much time do we have?

Julia: If we're lucky? Maybe 2,000 years.

Carter: [disbelieving] Two...thou–hmm. See, that's not so much a problem. So next time, don't bury the lead.

Carter: So the laws of physics are in peril, my daughter's moving out and the worlds coming to an end?

Jo: I say, have the muffin.

Larry: My Fembot prototype was working perfectly before-

Carter: Do I really wanna know this?

Larry: She was working perfectly before I went to get my coffee. When I came back after the collider incident, she was... completely non-responsive

Carter: Maybe she's just not that into you.

Henry: That surge in electromagnetism fed back into the strength of the amplifier, creating a loop of building energy, and voila, a new North Pole.

Lucas: I swear I had no idea.

Carter: [bending down very close to him] Well, you are gonna have to tell Santa that he needs to move his workshop.

[Carter has walked in on Fargo and Julia in a compromising position.]

Carter: Fargo, come! With me!

Season 4

Founders Day [4.01]

Allison: [watching Jo fight multiple soldiers] Okay this is really bad!

Carter: Yeah, for them! She's small, but scrappy.

Carter: You're here.

Henry: Yeah.

Carter: Working.

Henry: Hiding in plain sight. I mean, Eureka was always progressive, but nobody looks twice at a black mechanic. But still - oh, man, amazing, isn't it? [laughs, looks around past Eureka in awe]

Carter: You do realize that you, me, Allison and Jo are all stuck here?

Henry: And Fargo. They caught him streaking through the camp.

Carter: Of course they did.

Dr. Trevor Grant: We have a woman in custody, she needs her injuries treated. And there's this naked kid, needs some clothes.

Allison: I would be happy to take a look... At the injuries, not the naked kid.

Dr. Grant: Glad you clarified that.

Henry: Don't break that.

Carter: Yeah, that would suck.

Dr. Grant: Suck what?

A New World [4.02]

Kevin: So get this, Mom was late this morning, and I didn't get to make it to Dre's, and I mean she's always on me about being late! Maybe now she'll realize that time is a relativistic construct and ease up!

Tess: (laughing) Yeah, I wouldn't count on it.

Allison: Dr. Grant, I know this must be overwhelming for you. We know what it feels like to get pulled away from your own time.

Dr. Grant: Thank you, it's fine here. I just expected... I thought there'd be more flying cars... robotic servants...super highways stretching into the sky.

Carter: Another day, another runaway robot.

Dr. Grant: Come closer robot man. [Andy steps closer to jail cell] You're extremely lifelike.

Deputy Andy: [bashful chuckle] Oh...

Dr. Grant: I'd love to get a look under your uniform.

Andy: [Looks at Carter] Boss?

Carter: Do you know if I've asked Tess any big life changing questions recently?

Vincent: Oh. My God. You proposed!

Carter: I did?

Vincent: I don't know did you?

Carter: I don't know did I!?

Jo: You okay there, Tex?

Carter: Oh yeah, I mean, don't believe them when they say lighting doesn't strike twice in the same place.

All the Rage [4.03]

Carter: Could be some sort of a brain virus or-or-or Hulk juice.

Allison: These are the physical and mental symptoms of rage.

Carter: So we're dealing with a bunch of mad scientists?

[Jo restrains Zane, both are sick with rage]

Zane: Bite me Lupo!

Jo: Don't tempt me.

Carter: We gotta move fast, can you flip the switch and make the anger off, happy on?

Carter: Attention! Unruly... zombies.

The Story of O2 [4.04]

Deputy Andy: (looks at his arm, which has caught fire) Hmm, I seem to be conflagrating. Oh dear.

Crossing Over [4.05]

Claudia: This is Eureka! I was kind of hoping to see something insanely weird.

Carter: Consider yourself lucky.

Fargo: [wanting to impress Claudia] One day of getting to look like I know what I am doing, was that too much to ask for?

Carter: Evidently.

Claudia: You can trust me, I was a Campfire Girl.

Fargo: Please tell me you kept the uniform... [Claudia looks at him] ...for posterity.

Carter: [to Fargo, who's head is lying on top of a mine] I need to put this on the mine where your head is.

Fargo: But my head is where my head is.

Carter: This will help keep it that way.

Momstrosity [4.06]

Andy: I call it Ode to Jo:

I think that I shall never know,

A creature lovely as my Jo.

This morning's breath I smell so sweet,

With hints of cheese and last night's meat.

Carter: You were talking about his mom. If you were bragging about going on a date with my mom I'd run off into the woods too!

Grant: Then I'll be sure never to tell you about it.

Carter: Nothing like being pinned by a killer robot to make you want your mom.

Stoned [4.07]

Allison: How're we doing?

Zoe: Well we're not garden statuary anymore.

Zane: Anything else you want while I'm in there? Launch codes? Defense plans? TARDIS blueprints?

Jo: (to Carter) Zoe asked me advice about her 'new guy'. Her "new" guy is my "old" guy?!

The Ex-Files [4.08]

(Carter finds Nathan Stark in his office.)

Carter: Am I crazy?

Stark: You're not crazy. Go ahead, pinch me.

Carter: I don't want to pinch you.

Stark: You know you want to.

Carter: No, I really don't!

(Stark slaps Carter.)

Carter: OW!

Stark: Told you I'm real.

Carter: I'm tried of having to hear about the shoes I have to fill.

Stark: (proudly) Size 13! (quietly) Just saying.

(After Henry's shop nearly shakes apart.)

Henry: That was a little too close to home.

Carter: Yeah. "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"

(Carter is staring at a destroyed bridge.)

Carter: I just don't get it.

(Behind him, Stark is suntanning.)

Stark: It's science, Carter. No one expects you to get it.

(Carter turns.)

Carter: Well, if it's... (sees Stark) Put a shirt on!

Stark: Hey, this is your fantasy, not mine.

Carter: Nightmare!

Stark: (to Carter) Why are you always running away?

Allison: (to Grant) What about you? You were at that barbecue. You haven't said anything about who you're seeing.

Adam Barlowe: The guy whose life she saved 63 years ago.

Grant: Tall, leggy blonde. Slinky red dress. (describing Number Six from Battlestar Galactica.)

Carter: Ah you likey the science talk.

Allison: A little bit.

Stark: I likey the barf.

I'll Be Seeing You [4.09]

Fargo: Hello, cop types? Bad guys ain't gonna find themselves!

Carter: Is he getting bossier?

Jo: I kind of like it.

Jo: Listen, Carter. When we were halucinating, I sort of told Zane that we used to be together. And then I threw his grandmother's ring at him.

Carter: Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Henry: You know what they say, "Absolute power corrupts..."

Grant: Absolutely.

Deputy Andy: (Releasing Zane from the jail cell) Sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Donovan. The evidence was overwhelming.

Zane: Well, you can relax 'cause I'm not gonna sue you.

Jo: Well, glad to see the experience hasn't hardened you. Thanks for your help.

Zane Hang on. You're not getting off that easy, Lupo. I'm not stupid. I know something's happened with the five of you, and part of it had to do with us.

Jo: Zane, let it go. Grant's been cleared and so have you.

Zane: I'm not talking about Grant. You had my grandmother's engagement ring, Jo. C'mon, tell me what we were to each other.

Jo: Nothing. I gotta go. (turns to leave)

(Zane grabs Jo and kisses her.)

Zane: Then why didn't that feel like a first kiss?

Oh Little Town [4.10]

Carter: [imitating Santa] Ho, ho, holy crap!

Carter: Taggart's Santa.

Jo: You just wrecked Christmas with two words.

Liftoff [4.11]

Zane: What happened to Mr. Optimistic?

Fargo: He woke up and smelled the oxygen leak!

Zane: You can't smell oxygen.

Fargo: You know what I mean!

Senator Wen: You did just launch a rocket that nearly took out the international space station.

Fargo: That was an accident. I wanted to leave a note on the windshield.

Reprise [4.12]

Larry: [Reading Fargo his schedule] 9 am with Dr. Parish.

Fargo: Parish? Reschedule.

Larry: What would you like, uh, the reason to be?

Fargo: Uh, how about I hate his stupid face and I can't stand his whining.

Larry: Right I'll just hit send [sends e-mail]

Fargo: Wait oh no-no-no I was joking!

Larry: Oh yes, of course you were. I totally got that... but I just have to..

Allison: Hey, you know, it's still not too late to come with me. You can change your mind.

Kevin: Because going to a medical conference with your mom is just every teenager's dream.

Jack: This is the sarcasm phase. It's, uh, right after the ignoring phase, and just before the loathing phase.

Allison: All right, uh, so everything you need is in this bag, and I had Deputy Andy upgraded with the latest childcare techniques so if you need any extra help...

Jack: Please, I survived a teenage daughter. And, apart from running away a few dozen times and brief stint in jail, she turned out okay.

Zane: Looking good Loop-o. I meant the house. (seeing Jo's new house for the first time) A little small though. Didn't know you were building a TARDIS house.

Jo: A what?

Zane: Big on the inside, tiny on the... oh, never mind.

Zane: There's nothing wrong with me.

Carter: You set Jo's house on fire to get her attention.

Zane: Okay, I see your point.

Holly: Jo sent me. She's busy herding dogs.

Carter: Excuse me!

Holly: No, no, not hur-ting, her-ding. With a "d."

Kevin: He's in danger!

Andy: From the stasis field?

Kevin: From Bob Marley! ["I Shot the Sheriff" starts playing]

Glimpse [4.13]

S.A.R.A.H: (As Zane comes down the stairs) Good Morning Zane.

Zane: Good Morning SARAH.

S.A.R.A.H: I'm detecting a difference in your electrolytes since you arrived last night. Would you like a sports drink?

Zane: Nah, I'm good. [he sees Allison and Carter] Sup?

Allison & Carter: Sup.

Zane: The P.A.L.s scan and analyze potential security and safety risks. Then they play the outcomes in live action, giving you a variable time frame for them to become reality.

Fargo: Yeah, it's like having your own Professor Xavier.

Carter: Who's Professor Xavier?

Zane: Okay, I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say that.

Dr. Gregor: I have developed a sleep chamber which balances levels of melatonin, and as—

Fargo: Thank you, next.

Dr. Gregor: What? Why?

Fargo: Oh, I don't know, Dr. Gregor. Maybe because your chamber has the strong possibility of putting its user in a level one GCS coma. We're going to Titan, not Neverland.

Dr. Parish: First Fargo humiliates me. And now you won't even let me masticate in peace.

Carter: ... Well, not in public.

Dr. Lee: You're running this thing son? What are you 12?

Fargo: Dr. Lee, is it?

Dr. Lee: I prefer Generalissimo.

Fargo: Listen, if you want to compare notes, I'd still like to take you to dinner.

Holly: I don't think so.

Fargo: Right. Understandable.

Holly: I meant, that I don't want to work, but something more off-the-clock might be nice.

Fargo: Well, okay... but in the spirit of new beginnings and full disclosure, I have to confess. I saw a prediction... of you kissing me. No pressure.

Holly: Me kissing you?

Fargo: Go figure.

Holly: Douglas, the lenses show potential security risks. Now it's awkward. I should go. I'm sorry, Douglas.

(She walks out of Fargo's office.)

Fargo: Douglas Fargo, too dangerous to love.

Up In The Air [4.14]

Carter: Someone robbed a bank!! YEAH!!

Vincent: Should he really be happy about that?

Carter: (practically skipping down the street) No blob, no wormhole, just a good old-fashioned bank robbery.

Andy: You seem downright perky, boss.

Carter: Yeah! We're gonna— we're gonna do fingerprints. We're gonna do a tire impression. We're gonna interview...

(They pass a store and next find a lot with just a foundation on it.)

Carter: ...witnesses. Andy?

Andy: Yeah, Boss?

Carter: You said there was a... bank robbery.

Andy: Yep, someone stole it last night.

Carter: Of course they did...

Jo: (Speaking to the Astreaus candidates) I said toes on the line you worthless bunch of P.H.ds! You are group Alpha. I will be attempting to train you for the physical fitness requirements of the Astraeus Project. This is my lab. You wanna go into space - (to Zane) on purpose - you gotta go through me first. Who can tell me what a push up is? [...] Why don't you all show me what a push up is? Say 50 times? Down on the ground! (to a secientist) You're a botanist right? Kiss my grass! (to Henry) Looking good Dr. Deacon.

Henry: Thank you Jo. Oh, I... uh, Ms. Lupo.

Jo: Come on Alphas! Group Bravo says you are the sorriest collection of community college rejects they've ever seen. You wanna prove them right?!? (bending down to the level of another scientist) What kind of mathematician can't get to 50?

Zane: 49, 50. Anything else Ms. Lupo?

Jo: Well I say 50 more. Cupcake.

Deputy Andy: (directing evacuees into GD) This way, ladies and gentlemen.

Jo: You heard Mr. Data. No pushing, stay calm.

Carter: Do I have to lick the lock?

Holly: You can if you want, but that would be weird.

Jo: Toes on the line! Group Bravo, Group Alpha says that you are the sorriest collection of community college rejects -- (sees Zane) Zane, whatcha doin'?

Zane: Hammer curls Ms. Lupo.

Jo: Are you trying to mess with me?

Zane: No ma'am. I'm here for candidate training.

Jo: You're in group Alpha.

Zane: I'm in all the groups. I like a challenge.

Jo: You can't do that. Put on your uniform. He can't do that. (to Holly) Can he - can he do that?

Holly: Looks like he can. Impressive display of musculature and stamina.

Jo: Yeah, if you like that sort of thing.

Holly: Too bad about his criminal record. (Sees Jo's look) I mean sure, the whole bad boy thing has a certain appeal, but those felonies make him no fly.

Jo: So he's...

Holly: Totally ineligible for the mission

Grace: This is Eureka. We solve the impossible every day.

Zane: (instructing Jo) Drop and give me 50 harmonic issolations... Cupcake.

Omega Girls [4.15]

Of Mites And Men [4.16]

Senator Wen: (to Dr. San Agustin) Well, uh, on that note, I'll let you get back to work.

Carter: Yeah, I should do the same.

Senator Wen: Oh, you are working.

(Carter shoots her a confused look over his shoulder)

Senator Wen: For me. Things will be heating up around here with the tighter deadlines. I'd appreciate your help with extra security.

Carter: Well, I'd love to, but, uh, I'm the town sheriff. So I have sheriffy things to do.

Senator Wen: That's politician speak for, "you have to."

Dr. Timms: What do you say we patch you up and send you to space?

Henry: Uh... I say: when can we get started?

Grace: What's your success rate?

Dr. Timms: Oh, on people? Oh, uh, Sample size is too small to be significant. Um... healed a lot of pigs though. Truckloads... of them...

Clash Of The Titans [4.17]

Holly: We should just have sex. Our budding urges are interfering with our professional ambitions.

Fargo: (momentarily speechless) Wait, "our" urges? You mean, like, mutual?

Holly: Definitely. So that's why I think the most sensible course of action is to satisfy them.

(She moves to embrace him.)

Fargo: What, now?!

Holly: Yeah. The sooner we consummate, the sooner we concentrate!

This One Time At Space Camp... [4.18]

Dr. Hughes: (beginning his reevaluation of Jack and Allison's relationship using the BioCortex Recorder) So, you two claim to work well together, despite your personal relationship.

Carter: But we DO work well together, I mean we can think of hundreds of (cuts off as images start filing the screen)

Dr. Hughes: Excellent! I think we have what we need!

Allison: (surprised) Oh!

Carter: That's it?

Dr. Hughes: Well what were you expecting, The Spanish Inquisition?

Carter: Well...no one EXPECTS The Spanish Inquisition.

Fargo: (running with Holly) Maybe we should do some more practice questions. I mean, you can never be too prepared.

Holly: No, Doug, we went on this run to take our minds off the interviews!

(Parish rides up on his reclining bike)

Parish: An excellent idea. Best not to focus on the many, MANY ways that you could choke. (begins to ride off) Well, may the best man, blah, blah, blah...

Fargo: Oh, (exhales) now I'm really stressed. And kinda homicidal.

One Small Step [4.19]

S.A.R.A.H.: Ms. Lupo, would you please tell Sheriff Carter that I'm receiving a call for police assistance at Dr. Welke's farm?

Carter: I've got ears, S.A.R.A.H., I'm right here.

Lupo: Dr. Welke's part of the Austraeus crew...Did he, uh, did he mention what happened?

S.A.R.A.H.: He is reporting that Lenore has liquified.

Carter: Excuse me?

One Giant Leap [4.20]

Jo: Come on. It'll be like old times, we'll do it together.

Carter: You hate jobs like this. Have you met you!?

Carter: So first my PDA has a camera, and now black holes are everywhere? People need to know these things!

Dr. Plotkin: I have a girlfriend. Her name is science.

Season 5

Lost [5.01]

Dr. Parish: Good morning kids! I brought blueberry muffins and they're still warm.

Holly: Doug's favorite! That was very thoughtful of you Isaac.

Dr. Parish: Thank you.

Fargo: To a disturbing degree. [Aside to Holly] They're probably poisoned.

Dr. Parish: I've been able to work all of the bugs out of my ASS.

Holly: Excuse me?

Dr. Parish: A.S.S. Adrenaline Suppression System.

Fargo: What the frak happened?

Zane: Carter stole my girlfriend.

Fargo: Really?

Carter: No, well yea... ZANE, bigger issues!

Carter: The Andies have been fixing people who can't follow orders.

Fargo: Do these people seem happy to an almost creepy degree?

Carter: Yeah. Big time.

Fargo: We may know what they're using.

Holly: Isaac's ASS!

Carter: That seems unlikely.

The Real Thing [5.02]

Holly: Really Doug, a dragon?

Fargo: You weren't here; it had the claws and the wings

Holly: That doesn't change the fact they're mythical, as in... mythical!

Fargo: Mythical's just another word for not yet discovered.

[Carter and Andy are in jail]

Carter: Andy, break open these bars.

Andy: Uh... These bars are hardened carbon nano tubing boss, I'm not gonna be able to break these

Carter: Then, then we do something else. Dig robot, Dig!

Force Quit [5.03]

Carter: How long between the switch flipping and the fireball of destruction?

Fargo: I can rig a delay that should buy you 10, 12 seconds.

Friendly Fire [5.04]

Fargo: Maybe we should just bow down to our new fireball overlords while we can. Maybe they will spare us.

Carter: But the remote will work once we get outside GD, right?

Parrish: Theoretically.

Carter: I... hate that word

Jack of All Trades [5.05]

Fargo as Carter: I was in here in my body playing laser tag. The next thing I know, I'm... in you!

Carter as Fargo: Okay... Never phrase it that way again.

Carter as Fargo: Is this my joking face? No! This is not my face at all!

Allison: What if you get stuck this way?

Fargo as Carter: Well, Dr. Blake. Either you'll have to date me in Sheriff Carter's body. Or date Sheriff Carter in mine. It's quite a Sophie's choice.

Allison: Grace! We have to fix this.

...

[Once Carter has returned to his own body]

Allison: Oh, thank god! I did not want to have to make Sophie's choice!

Carter: I'm pretty relieved to be back in my body.

Fargo: Yeah, me too. You really had to go to the little boy's room.

Carter: Well... [Realizes] Tell me you didn't take me. Tell me you didn't use your boy hands down there!

Fargo: They were your hands!

Zane as Carter: If you're at my place, then you're in my body.

Carter as Zane: Yep! And you went a little nuts with the hair trimmer don't ya think?

Zane as Carter: Hey! I believe in manscaping, maybe you should try it sometime!

Carter as Zane: Don't push me Six Pack or I'll pound another bacon cheese scone.

Zane as Carter: Another!?

Zane as Carter: Do I look alright!? I'm hideous. I'm half scarecrow, half Andy Griffith!

Worst Case Scenario [5.06]

Carter: You call that 5 minutes?

Deputy Andy: 4 mins 32 seconds actually, I bet time crawls by when your sinking to your doom.

Carter: mmmmm fair point, why don't we get me out of the quicksand then!

Fargo: Frodo has reached Mordor!

Jo: (to Zane) You haul ass to work on your abs but when I need a lock by-passed, you just take your time.

Ex Machina [5.07]

Fargo: [On the phone] What, is Homeland Security too busy groping people to make a phone call?

Zane: How do you know about secret passage ways around GD anyway? You and Carter been playing security guard and sexy cat burglar?

Allison: My lips are sealed.

Zane: Oh, thank you!

Zane: The DoD says to take your balls and go home Major.

Major: [Holding official orders] So it says.

In Too Deep [5.08]

Carter: Do you know how Fargo's been living on my couch and spending every second with his sort of dead girlfriend, it's not healthy... So I'm wondering in your lovable and tactful way if you could maybe...

Deputy Andy: Kick him to the curb?

Carter: Glad we understand each other.

Smarter Carter [5.09]

Carter: What the hell is a "reproductive clause"?

Andy: Well boss, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...

Carter: [After Martin's car explodes] Tough break college! Science is fun.

Holly: Doug, why are you here?

Fargo: Because you're my Princess Leia.

The Honeymooners [5.10]

Allison: I guess Fiji can wait.

Zane: Why don't you bring in a some of her favorite things. Ah, some music, photos your dorky little D&D game.

Fargo: That is not dorky.

Zane: Really? Yeah, it is, actually.

Mirror, Mirror [5.11]

Carter: So what do you figure? We gonna blow something up or get covered in goo?

Jo: Why are you so pessimistic?

Carter: Really?

Jo: Right. I think I'm gonna go with goo.

Carter: I'll go with explosion.

Allison: We're green across the board, well how do you like that, everything went perfect.

Fargo: It worked!

Carter: I cleared my whole morning for damage control.

Jo: Me too.

Carter: Coffee?

Grace: You made me a better person. So if you're looking to take responsibility for something, take responsibility for that.

Andy: I smell sabotage.

Carter: Ahhhhh, I don't know. I mean I know the people at GD can be petty and-and careless and-and negligent true. And even homicidal I-I, what was I saying?

Andy: That no one at GD would have maliciously stolen the device.

Carter: It's possible.

Jo: Zane, I need you.

Zane: Right here in the hall? You naughty minx you. Okay, not laughing, let's start that again. What do you need me for darling?

Fargo: Clicker! Who says you're not "sciency"!

Carter: Almost everybody.

Double Take [5.12]

Zane: I knew Jo was off, but not that off!

Allison: I can't believe this is happening.

Fargo: Tell me about it. My resurrected girlfriend is the Manchurian Candidate.

Kevin: You mean he's a clone? Sweet! Can we keep him please?

Allison: This is Jack's evil twin, not a puppy.

Parrish: You know Donovan, I've always maintained that under proper supervision you are not completely incompetent.

Zane: Well damn Parrish, that's probably the nicest thing you said to... probably anyone actually.

NPC Carter: Game over.

Carter: I just hate myself sometimes.

Carter: You okay?

Allison: Yeah.

Carter: I gotta go kick my ass.

Just Another Day [5.13]

Carter: It will be nice to be free of all the craziness.

[The car wormholed into GD's foyer, nearly running Fargo over]

Zoe: I see your point

Taggert: Lojack! Get back here!

Carter: Outsmarted you again?

Taggert: His IQ is higher than yours, mate. He's a canine Houdini. Lend us a hand?

Jo: No, I am sorry Tag, we're kinda busy.

Carter: Yeah, aren't you the dog catcher?

Taggert: Biological Containment Specialist.

Carter: Right.

Holly: Oh! Oh! I remember now! You guys are smart but the Sheriff is the strong force. He holds it all together!

Zoe: He always does.

Jo: I don't want to miss out on us again. So, what do you say, will you make an honest woman out of me?

Zane: In any time line.

Carter: Grant.

Dr. Grant: I prefer Dr. Trent Rockwell, sport.

Carter: Seriously. Why did you choose that name?

Dr. Grant: Well, Trevor Grant is so 20th century, don't you think?

Allison: You bought Eureka?

Dr. Grant: Well, I am one of the town's founders.

[last lines]

Zoe: Dad? Did you just see...?

Carter: Yeah, I'll deal with that tomorrow.

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Eureka (American TV series)

Eureka quotes at the Internet Movie Database