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Epic Movie

2007 film by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer

Epic Movie is a 2007 film that is a comedic satire of films that are large in scope, reputation and popularity.

Written and directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

Edward

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  • (as the White Bitch pulls up in her turbo sled) Whoa, Stifler's mom!
    • (unrated version) Whoa, MILF!
  • (in his old age) Chuck Norris rules.
  • Damn that Superman plot!

Others

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  • Willy: Who wants to chew my gumballs?
  • Peter: Monobrow! Monobrow! King wants a monobrow!
  • Peter: (as Superman) You shot me in the freaking eye! That really hurts! Why would you do that?! That was so unnecessary! You bastard!
    • (unrated version)) You shot me in the fucking eye! That really hurts! Why would you do that?! That was so unnecessary! You bastard!
  • Kanye West look-alike: (while Lucy is viewing the camera from Mr. Tumnus) The White Bitch doesn't care about black people.
  • Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: Shit, bitch, I'm always yelling! I'm Samuel god damn Jackson!
    • (unrated version)) Shit, bitch, I'm always yelling! I'm Samuel motherfucking Jackson!
  • Borat look-alike: Jagshemash! My name-a Borat. You did it! You made moviefilm have happy ending! (the water wheel runs over the orphans) Not!
  • White Bitch: I hate those fucking kids.
  • Paris Hilton look-alike: I'm so hot. (yells as she gets crushed by Susan, who was thrown off the plane)
  • Mr. Tumnus : Screw Gnarnia!
  • White Bitch: (trying to read) The... keeds... have... esca-puh-duh.

Dialogue

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Ashton Kutcher look-a-like: Yes! (jumps in with camera crew) Yes! You just got Punk'd! Yes! Yes! Yeah, he did it! He did it! C'mere, say it to the camera! Say it to the camera, come on, say it right there! (Edward stutters) Say it!
Edward: I-I just--I just got Punk'd.
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: Ah! Schwow!
(Change to "Punk'd"-like skit)
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: (making exaggerated moves mocking Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd" skits) Yeah! We just Punk'd Edward! Schwow! Schwow! Yeah! That was awesome! Yeah! Yes! This thing, up here, it's all me, baby! The trucker hat! That's awesome! I did it! You love it! You'll take it! Punk'd him!
(Change back to previous scene)
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: *(gibbering excitedly still over the joke) Oh, my gosh, that was really funny! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! (continues gibbering)
Edward: (yelling in fury) Dude, you are so annoying! (Punches Ashton, knocking him down and shutting him up)
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: (gets up after a few seconds, resuming his gibberish and his crazy movements) But, oh, my gosh! That was really funny! (continues gibbering)
Edward: (keeps punching him; Ashton replies with a "Schwow!" with every punch, until Ashton falls over) Candy-ass trucker hat!
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: (flicks snow up at Edward in a childish manner) Schwow! Schwow....
White Bitch: Behold, my White Castle. (she points to a White Castle restaurant across from them)
Edward: White Castle? I think I've been there before.
Willy: Children, do you wanna know what makes all my candy taste so special?
Edward: Uh-huh.
Willy: It's a special secret ingredient. It's real human parts! There's gonna be a little itty-bitty piece of each and every one of you inside of the yummy yum candy. Literally!
Susan: Let us out, freak!
Lucy: Let us out, freak.
Willy: No, no, no. I can't do that.
Susan: Yes, you can.
Lucy: Yes, you can.
Willy: You're mine now.
Peter: (about the frozen White Bitch) The new Gnarnia will be a democracy, complete with due process. She shall be given a fair trial, judged by a jury of her peers.(Jack Swallows comes rolling by on the wooden wheel and runs over the White Bitch)
Captain Jack Swallows: Sorry, Bitch.
Peter: Right. Oh, screw her anyway.
Peter: We may not have the numbers on our side or the weapons she possesses, but we have something far more powerful.
Lucy: Perky breasts?
Peter: The strength of our family!
Edward: I'd follow you anywhere, brother.
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: Enough is enough! I have had it with these god damn snakes on this god damn plane!
Susan: So have I!
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: Enough is enough! I have had it with these god damn snakes on this god damn plane!
Susan: Right!
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: I have had it with these god damn snakes on this god damn plane!
Susan: Why do you keep saying that?!
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: 'Cause Internet bloggers love when I say, "I have had it with these god damn snakes on this god damn plane!"
(unrated version)
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
Susan: So have I!
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
Susan: Right!
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
Susan: Why do you keep saying that?!
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: 'Cause Internet bloggers love when I say, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
"Harry Potter": Welcome! My name is Harry Potter!
Susan: Aren't you a little old to still be a student here?
"Harry Potter": Nonsense. I am but 14. (he looks at least 30) As are my two best friends, Ron and Hermione!
(Peter removes his jacket and wing straps)
Cyclops: He's unleashing his powers!
Storm: He's going to spread angel wings!
(Peter squawks like a chicken and turns around, showing the small-sized wings on his back; then everyone starts laughing)
Mystique: More like chicken wings!
Magneto: Break it up. Break it up. You all know Peter is too much of a pussy to stand up for himself.
Peter: (to Mystique) Would you like to come to the homecoming dance with me?
Mystique: As if!
Harry Beaver: May I present the kings and queens of Gnarnia: Peter, the Heroic; Susan, the Just; Edward, the Loyal; and Lucy, the Dumb-shit! All hail!
Silas: (in Latin) Habeas corpus. E pluribus unum. (English subtitles) I'm gonna drop you like K-Fed!
Silas: (in Latin) In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti! (English subtitles) I'm gonna go Jackie Chan on your ass!
Silas: (in Latin) Persona non grata. Magna cum laude. (English subtitles) Fo-sheezy, White Beezy.
Silas: (in Pig Latin) Urts-hay oh-say ood-gay! (English subtitles) Beat me like Bobby beats Whitney!
Silas: (in Latin) Et tu, Brute? (English subtitles) I'm Rick James, bitch!
Edward: Captain Morgan! I love your rum.
Captain Jack Swallows: No. Captain Jack Swallows at your service.
Edward: Jack Swallows? That's kind of gay, dude.
Aslo: Have your Dr. Phil moment later. Now, get out of here!
Edward: I even got a tattoo with your name on it! (takes off his shirt, exposing what appears to be 50 Cent's tattoo)
White Bitch: That looks more like 50 Cent's tattoo, you idiot!
Edward: Shit! They did the wrong one!
Aslo: Where're you going, doll-face? I just took my Cialis!
Aslo's girl: Screw you, Aslo!
"Hermione": Hope you chicks are on the pill. Harry likes to get wasted, then show off his "sorcerer's stones". (farts)
Susan: They are definitely too old to still be doing this shit!
Nacho Libre: (takes off his robe) Nacho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o... cheese flavored Doritos are delicious!
White Bitch: This crystal will finally put an end to the resistance. I will start a series of earthquakes that will collapse all of Gnarnia and grow a new continent where only I and my followers will live.
Bink: Yo, Bitch, that's pretty much the plot of Superman Returns.
White Bitch: Pretty much, yeah.
Lucy: I don't get it.
Apostle in "The Last Supper": You're all related! Brothers and sisters! You're a family, for Christ's sake! (Jesus rolls his eyes) Sorry.
Lauren Conrad: Nice hair, Rogue. (Rogue touches her, causing her to fall to the ground, seemingly dead)
Edward: Because we're four kids nobody would ever miss, we'll be stuck here until we die.
Peter: Shut up, Edward, You're scaring her.
Edward: Don't tell me what to do! You're not my father!
Peter (to Lucy): What are you doing?
Lucy: Willy told me he wanted his knob polished.
Susan: Dumb-ass.
Susan: I never had anyone. I raised myself.
Lucy: That's why you have such a tough exterior.
Susan: (screams)

Lyrics

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Lazy Pirate Day

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Yo, yo, yo
Check this out
Lazy Pirate Day
Set sail in the afternoon
We got these dope-ass grills
From melted doubloons
I named my ship Fantasia
After the American Idol winner
You should have named it Studdard
Yeah, yeah, boy
That's one big brother!
Seacrest out, out, out
We are the Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Yes, the Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
You love us Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Bruckheimer's Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Check me out, boys
I got real big *beep*
I know all you Pirates
Want to *beep*
Thinking about putting your *beep*
In my *beep*
I know you're getting *beep*
When you *beep*
In my *beep beep*
Oh yeah
Take out your swords and *beep beep beep*
*beep beep beep beep*
Lick *beep beep*
And suck *beep beep*
We are the Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Yes, the Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
You love us Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Bruckheimer's Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Word to the Kraken!

Taglines

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  • We Know It's Big. We Measured.

Cast

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