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Dude, Where's My Car?

2000 film by Danny Leiner

Dude, Where's My Car? is a 2000 film about two friends who wake up from a night of partying and can't remember where they parked their car.

Directed by Danny Leiner. Written by Philip Stark
After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.

Jesse Montgomery

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  • Wait a second. Let's recap. Last night we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying. [Chester slaps him] Thanks, dude.
  • I refuse to let us go down in history as the dudes who destroyed the universe.
  • [Walking up to residence of Ostrich farmer with many signs expressing zero tolerance for trespassing] I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.
  • Dude, Where's My Car?.

Alien Nordic Dudes

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  • We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey.

Dialogue

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Jesse: Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?
Chester: [Opens the cupboard to find it's entirely full of pudding] I'd say it's entirely possible.
Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!
Chester: Can he also bong a beer?
Nelson: Nah. All he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.
Keeper of the Continuim Transfunctioner: But the universe...
Jesse: "Screw the universe"!
Keeper: "Screw the universe"?!
Chinese Food Intercom: Chinese Foooood, may I help you?
Jesse: Yeah, I like to place an order.
Chinese Food Intercom: Um what you like?
Jesse: Yeah, I like uh... three orders of garlic chicken.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: And then, three orders of white rice.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: And then... [then he turns and asks Chester and Nelson] Oh hey, you guys want soup?
Chester & Nelson: Sure.
Jesse: Yeah, three orders of Wonton soup.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: Oh, uh some fortune cookies too.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: Uh... naw I think that's about it.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: No, that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: No and then, I [stutters] That's, that's all I want.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: [Looks behind and then laughs] And then, and then um, and then um, and then nothin' else cause I'm done ordering, okay?
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: Uh, uh, no, no, see all, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of the white rice.
Chinese Food Intercom: Uh-huh, and then?
Chester: And the soup dude.
Jesse: Oh, and, and the Wonton soup.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Nelson: And the Cookie's Fortune.
Jesse: And, and the, and the Fortune cookies yes so, it's just the uh, it's the... the chicken, the... rice, the soup and the Fortune cookies, and that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom: And theeeeen?
Jesse: [Starts chuckling] And then uh, you can it in a brown paper bag and come put it in my hand cause I'm ready to eat.
Chinese Food Intercom: Annnnnd theeeeeeeen?
Jesse: [Gets irritated] Hey, I refuse to play your Chinese Food mind games!
Chinese Food Intercom: Annnnnnd Theeeeeeeen...?
Jesse: [Gets upset] NO! No "and then"!
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?!
Jesse: No "and then"!
[Repeated four more times]
Chinese Food Intercom: [Growls] Annnnnnd theeeeeeen...?
Jesse: [Gets annoyed] You know, you're really starting to piss me off, lady!
Chinese Food Intercom: [Quietly] And then?
Jesse: And then... [laughs nervously] I'm gonna come in there... [grows livid] and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!
[Pause; Jesse almost gives in]
Chinese Food Intercom: [Repeatedly] And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!
[Jesse angrily smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away]
Chinese Food Intercom: [Severely damaged] And then...?
Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?
Chester: Oh, that's my alter ego.
Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was my alter ego.
Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.
Jesse: Oh, yeah.
Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!
Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
[Repeated four more times]
Jesse: "S - wee - t!" What about mine?
Chester: [Angrily] "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: [Screaming] "Sweet!"
Mr. Lee: [Swears in Chinese] Idiots! Your tattoo says "dude." Your tattoo says "sweet." Got it?
Jesse: Oh.
Mr. Lee: Ai-yah!
Jesse: Sorry.
Chester: Hey... Sorry.
Jesse: Sorry.
Jesse and Chester: Shibby!
Mr. Lee: Very sharp. Very sharp. You two number one, extra-special, very good-looking guys.
Jesse: We bought these last night?
Mr. Lee: Yeah. You were pretty [Says "fucked up" in Chinese] last night.
Chester: How much are these?
Mr. Lee: You already paid for. I just do some minor alterations-you know, add the secret pockets you order.
Jesse: Hey, maybe we got the Continual Trans-sphincter. [Reaches into pockets] What's- [Pulls out kaleidoscope viewing Mr. Lee's laughing face] Oh, dude! Dude!
Chester: [Pulls out a dove] Sweet! Cool.
Jesse: Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?
Mr. Lee: You pay cash. Cold, hard cash. Crispy, new hundred dollar bills.
Jesse: You didn't, by chance, see what car we were driving, did you?
Mr. Lee: Me? No, I don't see no car.
Jesse: [Answer cellphone in pocket] Hello.
Chester: Dude, we bought cell phones.
Jesse: [Looking at paper] That's not all we bought, dude.-
Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?
Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
Chester: Is that what that is?
Jesse: Yeah. I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
Chester: Yeah!
Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
Chester: We can?
Jesse: Yeah, and you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? 'Coz we love them.
Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse: Yeah.

Cast

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