Dragnet (1987 film)

1987 comedy film directed by Tom Mankiewicz

Dragnet is a 1987 film directed by Tom Mankiewicz. The screenplay was written by Dan Aykroyd, Alan Zweibel, and Tom Mankiewicz. The original music score was composed by Ira Newborn. The film was marketed with the tagline "Just the Facts".

Joe Friday

  • I don't care what undercover rock you crawled out from, there's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-605. 10. 20. 22. 24. 26. 50. 70. 80. It specifies: clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit, and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them.
  • [First Lines; narrating] This is the city, Los Angeles, California, interfacing humanity, representing every race, color, creed, and persuasion, that God, no matter how he is worshipped, chose, in His infinite wisdom, to deposit here, in the cultural nexus of the Pacific Rim. Almost 4 million people work and play here, and like any other place anywhere, there are those who have it and those who want it. Those who have it, enjoy it, no matter how they got it. Those who want it, can get it by attempting to better themselves in a sympathetic community populated by decent citizens cheering them on. Or else, they can try to take it the easy way. Because even in the City of Angels, from time to time, some halos slip. That's where I come in, doing my job to the best of my ability on a daily basis. I'm Joe Friday. I work here. I carry a badge.

Pep Streebeck

  • And if I may a toast... to Granny Mundy: may you live as long as you want but never want as long as you live.
  • [as Joe arrives] Thank God it's Friday!


  • Your attention, please. The story you are about to see is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example: George Baker is now called "Sylvia Wiss."


[on a multi-lane highway, traffic all around is passing and sounding horns]
Pep: You know, uh. Friday, we're allowed to go 55... On some occasions, even faster.
Joe: I'm well aware of the federally mandated speed limit, Streebeck. But did it ever occur to you that, by going 8 miles an hour slower, we might save some gasoline and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers out there who pay our salaries?
Pep: Friday, a little extra gas isn't going to put the city in hock; besides, this looks bad! Come on, live a little - it's the vertical pedal on the right.

Sylvia: [opens her top] Do these look like the breasts of a 43-year-old woman?
Joe: No, ma'am. They're quite impressive... bordering on spectacular.

Joe: Ma'am, what is the approximate dry weight of the average Madagascan fruit tree bat?
Pep: You mean you don't know?

Joe: Ah, sure. But just like every other foaming, rabid psycho in this city with a foolproof plan. You've forgotten you're facing single finest fighting force ever assembled.
Reverend Whirley: The Israelis?
Joe: Try the decent, hard-working men and women of Los Angeles!

[Friday is about to eat a chili dog]
Pep: You know the kinds of things that can fall into an industrial sausage press? Not excluding rodent hairs and... bug excrement?
[Friday gives a disgusted look]
Joe: I hate you, Streebeck.

Pep: Are you crazy? Silvia Wiss wanted you!
Joe: Now let me tell you something, Streebeck. There are two things that clearly differentiate the human species from animals. One, we use cutlery. Two, we're capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now, you might be an exception, but don't drag me down in your private Hell.
Pep: You've got a lot of repressed feelings. Don't you, Friday? Must be what keeps your hair up.

Chemical Engineer: Basically, it burns the eyes, lungs and throat, causes vomiting and if continuously inhaled, death.
Pep: [to Friday] Oh, sort of like your aftershave.

Pep: Up late last night, partner? I thought the Christian Science Reading Room closed at 10.
Joe: Not that it's any of your business, Mr. National Enquirer, but I spent a quiet evening in the company of Connie Swail.
Pep: Connie Swail...Don't you mean the virgin Connie Swail?
[Joe looks slyly at Pep as the Dragnet theme plays]