Dominic Deegan

Dominic Deegan: Oracle for Hire is a free webcomic that started on May 21, 2002. It is drawn and written by Michael 'Mookie' Terracciano, and is now updating every day with color strips on Sundays.

Chapter 1: Oracle For Hire

Spark: You told me a witch stole them, you jerk! I want them RE-ATTACHED!

Lord Siegfried: Dominic Deegan! I need your help. You, however, need a new door.

Lord Siegfried: That... is my opponent screaming like a woman, right?

Dominic: The future I saw was only a very possible one, but it can be changed!

Lord Siegfried: Your future is, very possibly, on the end of my sword.

Dominic: I know. I'm trying to change that.

Dominic: Some days, it's so cool to be me.

Bumper: [Hanging upside down from a tree in Dominic's yard] I think we should stop trying to rob someone who can see the future.

Chapter 2: The Curse

Croona Travoria: Dominic Deegan... I curse you!

Dominic: Oh no. It must be the 'curse of being old'

Stunt: You have trapdoors in your house?! You sick freak!

Dominic: Oh, come now, don't give me the silent treatment. Do I look like a fool? [A fish falls on his head] ...Don't either of you say a word.

Stunt: If this curse is only triggered when you smoke, why don't you just quit smoking?

Dominic: ...If going to jail is only triggered when you steal, why don't you just quit?

Spark: So... you convinced those thieves to get that potion, huh?

Dominic: Indeed.

Spark: [Giving Dominic "puppy eyes"] The potion that will end this 'falling fish' curse, and thus render me hungry and sad? [sniffs]

Dominic: Nice try, Spark.

Spark: Y'know, I wouldn't give you guilt trips if you actually fed me once in awhile!

Lord Siegfried: Come out, thieves! Hiding out there in the dark won't do you any good against me... Because I have Knight vision!

[Stunt and Bumper groan at the pun, giving away their location]

Dominic: [On seeing Luna about to hang herself] Whoa, hang on! That is knot the answer!

Dominic: You (...) rejected Luna based solely on how she looks!

Lord Siegfried: In my defense... She's got tusks.

Dominic: Wow... Do they pay you to be so charming?

Luna: Do all seers bang their heads against the wall?

Dominic: Only the lousy ones.

Croona Travoria: Stay back, Lord Siegfried! I am a great sorceress, and you'll never take me alive!

Siegfried: [summarily executes her] As you wish. [Dominic and Luna stare at him in shock] Oh don't give me that look. You heard her as well as I did.

Chapter 3: Luna

Lynn's Brook jeweller: Don't you be using your second sight to look at my naughty bits!

Lynn's Brook jeweller: Sooo... You're not a cross-dressing freak?

Dominic: No.

Lynn's Brook jeweller: Ah! See, I thought you were!

Dominic: Ah, see... That's just because you are stupid.

Luna: I especially liked your experiments in the association of magic and mathematics. That's quite a daring hypothesis.

Dominic: [thinking] That's quite possibly the sexiest thing a woman has ever said to me.

Spark: Boss... We need to discuss the serious lack of fish around here.

Dominic: Mmm. My bed smells like 'girl'.

Luna: But... What makes you think I'd be a good assistant? How do you know I won't screw up?

Dominic: Luna? I'm a seer.

Luna: Oh. Right.

Customer inquiry log: #208: Is this going to cost a lot of money? #209: Your scarf is pretty. Can I have it? Please?

Customer: Hey, where you goin'? You never answered my question! How much wood would a woodchuck... Um... What are you doing with that steak knife?

Chapter 4: Into the Woods

Stunt: Take a look at this, Bumper. Our dear friend, Dominic Deegan, passed out and helpless on our road. Don't you think this is the perfect time to get back at him for sending us into that trap at Travoria Castle?

Bumper: Yeah! We should come up with some ironic revenge that robs him of his dignity and pride!

Stunt: I want to stab him in the face.

Bumper: That should work.

Luna: I'm warning you...stay back! I am a sorceress, like my mother before me!

Stunt: Gimme a break! Girls...especially the ugly ones like you...are way too dumb to know-[Luna blasts him with a fireball] ...magic...

Bumper: I, on the other hand, think you're very pretty for an orc.

[Luna blasts him with a fireball]

Luna: Fools! Cowards! This is the fate of those who dare challenge me! Cower in my presence! Fear my power! Flee before my... [Stunt and Bumper are out of earshot. Luna's magic grenade disappears] ...Illusion.

Luna: It's very nice to meet you, Gregory.

Gregory: Oh, fang you very much. Gah! I meant thank you! I wasn't staring at your tusks! I'm telling the tooth!

Dominic: Gregory got into an... um... accident when we were kids, and his leg healed crookedly.

Luna: Hmph. I could've told you he was lame.

Gregory: Oh, gee. In the past ten years, I've never heard that one before. Really.

Luna: Oh? Is that the tooth?

Dirk: Watch it, or I'll gnaw on your knees.

Stunt: We were minding our own business on the road... When your ugly girlfriend tried to kill us!

Dominic: And just what 'business' could you two have possibly had?

Stunt: The 'business' of 'trying to stab you in the face.'

Dominic: Naturally.

Dirk: I love being so mighty.

Sylvan Oracle: Only those who be-leaf in themselves shall succeed. Now, leaf this place... danger draws near.

Dominic: You really can't help that, can you?

Sylvan Oracle: I don't be-leaf I know what you mean.

Dominic: Stunt, Bumper, we need your help.

Stunt: Ha! We don't want anything to do with you or your... [Dominic offers up a bribe] ...Large sum of money. Aheh...

Stunt: I hate you because you're smug.

Dominic: I know.

Dirk: If I had a free hand, I would so flip you the bird.

Dominic: Did you really think I would use my own brother as bait for a trap? You infernomancers are all so predictable... You think all your dealings are with devils.

Chapter 5: COUCH FORTS AND CRYING

Dominic: You're welcome to stay the night, Gregory, but I don't know where you can sleep.

Gregory: Don't worry, bro. I've got it covered.

Dominic: No! Gregory! You are not making a -

Gregory: COUCH FORT!

Dominic: And people wonder why I live alone.

Chapter 6: MAKEOVER!

Gregory: What?! Stay inside and sulk on a day like this?! Luna... We're going shopping :[He stands dramatically, and falls under the table]

Dominic: Gregory? You need your staff to stand.

Gregory: I need to shop for some... oh... dignity.

Customer: Even though that sign clearly reads 'one viewing per customer', I want two. Now.

Rachel: Gregory! You're just in time! I'm gonna break these bricks with my face! [WHACK] Ow! My face!

Rachel: Wow! He's blushing so hard his cheeks are bruising!

Chapter 7: MOB MENTALITY

Dominic: [Voice of the Titans] Lo and beware this prophecy of doom... Fire, destruction and death shall descend upon this village... If you morons don't get the hell off my property!

Chapter 8: VISIONS OF DOOM

Dominic: Great. Just great. Now the whole town wants to lynch Luna for protecting Gregory... who blabbed about our demented big brother when I specifically told him not to do so... not one day after I nearly had my guts torn out by an eyeless freak to talked to devils.

Spark: So, Dominic Deegan is angry at Gabby Greg, who nearly got Luna Lynched, because he's still sore from the Sightless Satanist?

Dominic: Well, it's getting late. I should get out of here so you can get a good night's sleep.

Luna: ...Dominic?

Dominic: Yeah?

Luna: Stay with me?

Dominic: I saw something last night.

Gregory: Oh, yeah? What'd you see that... kept you up?

Dominic: It was a vision... I saw Jacob tear the skin off his arm, like he was peeling an orange.

Gregory: Aw, man... I thought for sure you were going to say 'Luna's boobies'.

Lord Siegfried: That sounds like a threat to me.

Dominic: You moron! I was talking to a damn lynch mob! The fire, death and destruction wasn't going to be their fate! It was going to be mine!

Milov: [referring to Seigfried] He'll calm down before things get out of hand.

Jayden: 'Before?' He's beating up a crippled boy! ...With his own walking stick!

Luna: I am Dominic's assistant. Naturally I'm here to assist him. It's my job, after all.

Jayden: We realize that Lord Siegfried can be a little rash at times, but deep down, he is a noble and good— [Siegfried tries to throttle Dominic] MANIAC!

Gregory: What're you going to do to one of Jacob's zombies? Stare at it into submission?

Jayden: Lord Siegfried is not here, as you requested. Are you willing to speak to us now?

Dominic: Hmm... I don't know. Let me consult my associates. [Both Luna and Gregory are ecstatic to see Jayden] My associates are obviously grinning out of madness and perversion. It may be best for you to keep moving.

Jayden: You're not going to make this easy, are you?

Dominic: A Spellwolf is a spellcasting werewolf, Gregory. They can use the phases of the moon as a focus for a form of Second Sight. In other words, He's a sorceror who moonlights as a seer.

Milov: I can see why people beat you up.

Milov: I saw many people hanging from a great tree. There was a white-haired man in a black cloak. He was staring at them. Now then... Dominic Deegan, was it?... Does your brother hang around corpses often?

Dominic: Maybe, maybe knot. It's noose to me...

Dominic: I've never introduced you to Dejah. He's much older than me, and I could use his perspective on the visions I've been having.

Spark: He's hoping to get Dejah's view!

(Vilrath): Listen to me well, seer, because I'm only going to say this once... You are no match for me.

[...]

Dominic: You're older, more powerful, and that glyph on your head blocks my second sight... But listen to me well, seer, because I'm only going to say this once. I'm not afraid of you.

(Vilrath): You want 'my worst', boy? You have no idea what horrors you have brought upon yourself.

Urik: Do you have any last words , Deegan?

Dominic: [Behind them] Yes. There's something you ought to know.

Urik: It's an illusion! He's behind us!

Dominic: [Behind them again] 'Ventriloquism' is one of my favorite spells.

(Vilrath): [Holding Dominic, hanging by the neck] Don't move... Or I will.

Jacob: I promised you much death tonight, Urik. I do hope you have enjoyed it.

[Jacob rots the flesh off of Urik's head and blows it away, whereupon it lands on a prone Dominic]

Dominic: ACK! GAH! PFFFH! You did that on PURPOSE!

Jacob: By the way, Dominic, you were right. I don't care about any of you.

Gregory: I believed in you, Jacob. I thougt you still loved us, as brothers. Why did you hurt me? Why did you rip the blight out through my good leg?

Jacob: Because I was trying to kill you.

Dominic: Luna? You're going to have to carry me back to town, because there is no way I'm walking on the ground after that.

(Voice off-panel): ...And then he stood up! All on his own! And he was surrounded by white fire!

Dominic: Hey. You're supposed to be standing up.

Gregory: This night has completely sucked.

Dominic: Well, look on the bright side. You can walk again!

Gregory: … ...Holy crap! I can WALK!

Dominic: ...Good to know you've been paying attention.

Lord Siegfried: A Deegan?! A puny Deegan crucified me to that wall?! I will kill that whole family! Where's that cripple?! I'll take his walking stick and make him into a popsicle!

Jacob: Stripped of the petty desires and responsibilities of the living, I am one step closer to achieving enlightenment in undeath.

Jacob: A walking skeleton, the basic frame of the human body, can inspire more fear in the common man than any excessively armed soldier or knight.

Chapter 9: The Party

Jayden: Amazing powers have awakened in you. Enough power to make you a candidate for an elite order within the Lunarian Church.

Gregory: Are you... are you asking me to join the...?

Jayden: The Sacred Knights are the greatest warriors and healers in the world. You could be one, too.

[Gregory imagines himself as a Sacred Knight... namely, Ky Kiske from the Guilty Gear series]

Gregory: The 'gray'? Oh! That's when things get blurry for seers who are around indecisive people!

Dominic: No, I 'see gray' when I witness a major decision in a per-

Gregory: No no! We can so make this work! Ahem... Gee! Which of these socks will I wear today? I simply can't decide! Are you seeing gray yet, bro?

Dominic: No, Gregory... I'm just seeing red.

Milov: [Referring to Gregory] If he oogled Jayden any more blatantly, there would have been... problems. Well... Y'know... It would've been awkward if we'd all gone to dinner.

Luna: Good night Dominic. I'll see you in the morning.

Dominic: ...Stay with me?

Luna: I've held raw fire in my bare hands. I've created pillars of flame with magic. I've fueled my black arts with a burning hatred for myself. But now, here on the cold floor with my grumpy seer... I'm warm.

Chapter 10: Ecstasy and Evil

Karnak: Take a good look at him, my pet. Take a good look at the most pathetic wretch I ever granted my power to. An insignificant worm so afraid of dying that he sold his soul to me... Karnak, the Demon of Wounds... So no injury could ever slay him. The price for my gift has proven too much for him, it seems. Two terrible wounds that will always remain open. Take a good look at him. He certainly cannot see himself.

Gregory: What's it like to kiss her? She's got tusks! Doesn't she hurt you?

Dominic: Only when I ask her to.

Gregory: Luna! Stop poking my brother's naughty bits with your tusks!

Stunt: Quit being so smug, Deegan! Your second sight didn't warn you about us, did it? You're losing your touch.

Dominic: Actually, I'm not surprised you snuck up on us. My visions only warn me about significant dangers. [Stunt stabs him in the arm] Okay. Okay. I'm done being smug. I'm done.

Bumper: Um, Stunt? If your knife is in Dominic's arm, what are you using to keep Luna from hurting us?

Stunt: Bumper! We *sniff* can't sneak up on anyone! We've got the sniffles!

Spark: Spark the Vigilant is back on duty! Here to keep watch! Nothing's gonna get by me, boss! [He notices Dominic's bandaged arm] ...What the hell happened to you?

Szark: Now, gentlemen, let's be civilized. No need to scry and cream over whose second sight is better.

Dominic: Don't you mean 'cry and scream'?

Szark: We can do all four, if you like.

Amelia: Well, if it isn't my crazy sister Luna. You've fallen a long way since you jumped off that bridge.

Luna:

So nice to see you too.

Lovely house you have.

Unbelievably nice.

That dress suits you.

Dominic: *Snicker*

Luna: I had a feeling you'd catch that one.

Dominic: We have to focus, Stunt. I need to narrow my attention down to saving our lives. And you need to broaden your ambition past punching me in the head.

Stunt: Hey! Didn't you just say you shouldn't watch too many things at once? Now turn around so you can't watch me punch you.

Dominic: Yes, Stunt. The might of your misogyny is great.

Dominic: So tell me... How do I look?

Stunt: Like an embarrassment to guards everywhere.

Stunt: What the hell is in the ballroom?

Dominic: Let's just say... Our deus ex machina.

Stunt: Let's just say... I don't know what that means.

Szark: What's going on here? What is the meaning of this, Amelia?

Dominic: On top of using these thieves to have you killed here, she was going to have her sister raped and killed!

Stunt: All she had to do was charm my friend here, drug her sister, and leave them alone in an unguarded room.

Dominic: A dark-skinned thief rapes and kills a noble girl. Just another crime. Right, Amelia?

Donovan: Only real men wear pink.

Infernomancer: I clawed my way out of hell to make you suffer, Deegan. I'd say killing your mother was a good start.

Karnak/Szark: It's not often I get to do battle with one of my enemies... in the body of one of their allies. I do so love watching them realize that when they strike me, they will hurt the body of their friend, and not me. ...Oh, yes. That's it. That's the look.

Luna: Which one is me, monster? You'd better hope that you can find the right target.

Infernomancer: That's simple, witch. The right target... Is the one that will hurt you the most. *Aims for Dominic*

Miranda: I, Miranda Deegan, Archmage of the Fifth Circle, do hereby proclaim your deeds to the cosmos... And cast you to a place beyond it's reach!

Karnak/Szark: Thanks to this wound, you cannot use magic to expel me from Szark's body! I will possess him for as long as I wish! The only thing that will free him from me is death-

Spark: -FROM ABOVE!

Donovan: Hey, you're his dad. Maybe there's something you can do.

Lars: I'm a banker. How am I going to exorcise a demon? Threaten him with a tax audit?

Donovan: Well, a tax audit is pretty scary...

[later]

Lars: Begone, Demon, or be plagued with high interest rates!

Donovan: That's not working either. Oh! Try a foreclosure threat next!

Karnak: Szark's soul does not wish to be found. It adores wounds that will never heal... wounds that kill... Face it, little seer... Szark loves what he has become. He is mine.

Evil Szark: Poor, conflicted me... Torn between Nobility and Perversion. How very dramatic. But with my demonic wound, my marriage to Amelia, and living in Sin City... Well, you can see, the last few years have been decidedly sinful. Karnak didn't corrupt my soul, Dominic. He's helped nourish it.

Miranda: You banished a Demon Lord? All by yourself?

Dominic: Yes, but the... aftermath... left my head pounding. Then Szark's divided soul found me. I used my second sight to bring it into balance, but that only made my head feel worse.

Donovan: Sounds like you've got one hell of a splitting headache.

Dominic: Thanks, dad. That really helped.

Scantily clad policewoman: Erossus Knights! Nobody move!

Szark: My favorite part is when they bind your hands.

Dominic: Dear lord I hate this city.

Celesto: Where was Amelia's Salvation, Dominic? Where was my Amelia's second chance?

Chapter 11: Hello, Nurse!

Rachel: After I'm though with you, Greg'll be putty in your hands."

Pam: Could you make it so he'll be nice and firm in my hands? [covers her mouth] Ooh, I said that out loud, didn't I?

Chapter 12: THE STORM OF SOULS

Luna: So this "Klo Tark" said you should search for information on Acibek himself?

Dominic: He said it may help us fight the Storm of Souls.

Luna: Wait! Of course! You had that vision--

Dominic: --when I mentioned Acibek's Principle--

Luna: --which is the basis for applying--

Dominic: --elements of Law into Magic!

Luna: Acibek's Spheres must be spells made--

Dominic: --of pure Law, the natural--

Luna: --opposite of a mass of Chaos!

Dominic: That's how they can hold the Storm at bay!

Dominic and Luna: You're... Brilliant!

Spark: You're... both... Nerds.

Rilian: Helixa is responsible for many atrocities, like the one you just prevented. But for all my efforts, I cannot kill her myself. Our Necromancy is too evenly matched. So I led her to an old foe who had defeated her once before, and could kill her if the stakes were high enough. After all, when is a mother more brutal, more ferocious, more dangerous, than when her children are in danger?

Chapter 14: THE BATTLE FOR BARTHIS

Luna: Serk Brakkis is very rich, very influential, and very shrewd. He has never lost a legal dispute, and those who oppose him usually end up broke or in prison. If he has his mind set on purchasing Barthis, he'll probably get it whether the townspeople want to sell it to him or not.

Dominic: How do you know so much about this guy?

Luna: Because he's... sleeping with my sister, Mariella.

Dominic: Oh no. Is she an enchantress, too?

Luna: No, worse. She's a lawyer.

Lars: Serk Brakkis must have connections in the capitol city. That's going to be difficult to fight, Donovan. He must also have a team of lawyers that can find all sorts of legal loop-holes.

Donovan: You mean like Mariella Travoria?

Lars: What?! Brakkis has Mariella Travoria on his side?!

Donovan: That depends on which side of the bed is "his."

Brakkis: What've you done to my bodyguards? They are supposed to keep ruffians like you away from me!

Donovan: They're right over there. They were rude at first, but they agreed to step aside after I "signed" their shirts. [Guards standing to the side with "DD" carved into their shirts]

Brakkis: If you so much as touch me, I'll have you thrown in jail so quickly...

Donovan: I'm not here to hurt you, Mr. Brakkis. We're here to protect the people of Barthis, and my son, from greedy opportunists like you.

Brakkis: Heh. And just how do you plan to stop me from acquiring this town?

Donovan: However we can, Mr. Brakkis. I hope you're ready for this. The Battle for Barthis has just begun.

Siegfried: If you're done telling me how I should conduct myself, I have to go officially arrest Serk Brakkis.

Scarlatti: Not going to slug him a few times first? I'm shocked.

Siegfried: You're lucky I don't charge you for being in league with him.

Scarlatti: Oh really? On what grounds, you thug?

Siegfried: You admitted to it. That currently makes you a co-conspirator.

Scarlatti: I said I knew about the plot, not that I helped with it. You'd need very positive proof of that to arrest me.

Siegfried: Don't try to enlighten me about the law, Scarlatti.

Scarlatti: Oh? You think I don't know the law? That I'm out of my element?

Siegfried: You wouldn't know the first thing about Law and Justice if it struck you like a bolt of--

[Both get struck by a bolt of lighting]

Maestro: I'm *BZZT* Sorry. I just couldn't *HRKZZT* help myself!