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Dinnerladies

television series

Dinnerladies (1998–2000) was a British television sitcom set entirely in the canteen of a factory in Manchester.

Season 1

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Monday [1.01]

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Norman: I fell off a diving board in Guernsey!
Philippa: Would this be a good moment to talk about Scottish country dancing?
Jean: No it wouldn't!
Bren: Twink, what's the soup?
Twinkle: Minestrone
Bren: Why didn't you put it on the menu?
Twinkle: Can't spell it!
Tony: I quite like women in a sad, baffled sort of way! But can we get a grip? Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment one will have pre-menstrual tension, one's panicking because she's not, someone's having a hot flush and someone else is having a nervous breakdown because her HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone!
Jean: [Annoyed] That was a one off!
Philippa Morcroft: Pressure at work can affect your sex life, they did a questionnaire [reading] "Are you too busy to have an orgasm?"
Jean: Orgasm? I've not blown my nose since Wednesday!
Jean: (to the Stripper) Can you play the accordion?
Stripper: Well, you could see what a liability that could be naked, might trap a nipple.
Jean: Last big wedding Keith's Auntie ate a coaster.
Dolly: What?
Jean: Keith's Auntie Margo ate a raffia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.
Jean: I thought about trailing greenery for the reception, but Keith's anti-ivy.
Bren: I didn't know Keith had an Auntie Ivy.

Royals [1.02]

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Royal: (to Anita) Are you an immigrant?
Philippa: No, Anita's British!
Royal: Oh, good. So you don't find it too cold here?
Anita: [crying] I SAID NIPPLES!
Royal: How do you feel about wearing a uniform?
Anita: I think we can all see the sense in it, for hygiene. And it protects your nipples!
Tony: (to Twinkle) Do you want to get a job in an upstairs window in Amsterdam, or shall we try and cling on to our slim little foothold in catering?

Scandal [1.03]

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Sheila: Where's my Clint?
Sheila: I've got high blood pressure and water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Bren: Boiling water?
Dolly: Why do people have to spit? That ruined Titanic for me, the spitting! The iceberg couldn't come fast enough after I saw that!
Petula: As Gerard Depardieu said to me that day in Deauville "What's the point in having a big nose if you can't jam a banana up it?"
Tony: Hang about, hang about. Now I like strange women shouting the odds in a staff toilet. That's better than a game of snooker to me! But WHAT is going on?

Moods [1.04]

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Enid: Did you get that skirt from a catalogue?
Philippa: No.
Enid: Pity. You could have sent it back.
Anita: I'm really upset. It was me who saw him sitting on the toilet - I think I should have counselling!
Dolly: Counselling! My mother was trapped under a Blackpool tram for four and a half hours - she didn't get counselling. She got a cup of tea and two tickets to Charlie Drake!
Philippa: You see, music might help in there. What does he like Bren?
Bren: Well he likes the Band of The Grenadier Guards but they'll not fit through the Xpelair!
Connie: It's like I keep telling Jean, sex is like icing a cake. You've got to bloody concentrate!!
Enid: Dolly was a beautiful baby, dainty like a little doll, and then WOOF! She looked like a dinghy with plaits.
Dolly: That was puberty.
Enid: It was not, it was pies.
Bren: That doesn't look right... is there an "e" in arse-ing?
Jane: Bren, can you spread them for Tony?
Philippa: You have to be able to share your needs
Bren: Oh, I hate that word, Needs, what's that other word I can't stand? Ashphalt

Party [1.05]

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Petula: What did Edith Piaf use to say?
Bren: A handbag?
Petula: No, that was Edith Evans! No, it was - non, je ne regrette rien. Rien regriette...
Bren: Who is Babs?
Petula: Babs? She's from Urmston!
Jean: (to Tony and somewhat drunk) Breathe in! Can you smell my Charlie?
Dolly: I hadn't budgeted for chips calorie-wise!
Petula: Do excuse me, I man a helpline at midnight.
Babs: I've come from Urmston.
Tony: Have you?
Babs: There's two ways to get there.
Jean: (on the Christmas party) Normally it's a few dodgy pies and a disco. You show up, throw up and bog off home.
Twinkle: We're off clubbing! Have a great night, oldies!
Tony: Have you not got coats?
Twinkle: Coats? How sad are you?
Twinkle: (reading the Christmas party invite) What does that mean, sake from six thirty? (pronouncing it sake)
Dolly: Sah-ke!
Twinkle: I'm not being sarky, I'm asking!
Anita: I fancy devorai!
Dolly: As a guest?
Anita: As a fabric for my dress!
Dolly: It sounded like an ethnic boyfriend! Devorai Singh, Devorai Patel...
Tony: Do some flipping work!
Babs: I was going to go on Mastermind but I can't sit on leather
Babs: Is it a sit down toilet?
Bren: Yeah
Babs: That's the only sort I go on
Bren: No it is
Petula: Evening all, as dear old Dock Green used to say

Nightshift [1.06]

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Jean: (while looking in the newspaper for a new job) Something like cleaning, light housework, housekeeping. Here's one, light house-keeper wanted.
Bren: (Bren leans over to look at the paper) Lighthouse. Keeper.
Nicola Bodeux: What would happen if I asked for a herbal tea?
Jean: Nothing.
Nicola Bodeux: You mean you wouldn't be fazed by such a request?
Jean: No, I mean you wouldn't get one.
Nicola Bodeux: I'm warning you, I don't mince my punches.
Dolly: (reading Tony's get well card) What does that say?
Twinkle: Love Twinkle.
Dolly: We had to practice handwriting when I was at school! The little boy next door can only write his name in macaroni! How's he going to move on to joined up writing?
Bren: He'll have to have a pencil case big enough to hold spaghetti
Jean: Where's the cow of catering?
Bren: (showing Jean newspaper) She's gone for this.
Jean: (reading) Size 24 wedding dress never worn
Bren: She's gone to be a lighthouse keeper
Nicola Bodeux: Tea break extension may lead to detention

Season 2

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Catering [2.01]

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Stan: Men and women have different brains.
Dolly: Yes, it was in the Daily Mail. Women can't fold maps, and men can't get interested in headboards.
Dolly: Didn't they teach you anything at school?
Twinkle: How to put a condom on a cucumber
Dolly: Honestly, what's the point in that?
Bren: Be fair Dolly there's not many cucumbers that could manage it for themselves
Bren: Get your brain round this Jane. That ladder's stuck, Glen's bustin' for a wee, she's got internal staples, she can't bend down, she can't climb over, she can't go in the cold storage room, she can't get down the fire escape, we don't know if we can hacksaw the ladder. You're Glen what do you do?
Jane: Wet myself, it's quicker
Jane: Could you not pick her up? Stan, you and Tony could hoick her over!
Glenda: I've just had an operation!
Tony: No offence, Glen but if I pick you up, I'd need a flipping operation
Betty: Is that ladder stuck?
Tony: No, it's an art exhibition!

Trouble [2.02]

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Jean: Well we can't all swan about ordering toast. Some of us have personal problems.
Jane: I know we do! But we don't bring them to work! I lost 8 tropical fish last week in a power cut!
Jane: Is there anyone you want to bring?
Tony: What 'bring' bring
Jane: 'Bring' bring? Not, not 'bring' bring, just bring.
Twinkle: You can get phones that do that!
Anita: Tony, I've done it again with the mushrooms!
Tony: Where was your last job, a crematorium?
Peggy: What have you been cooking? Food?

Holidays [2.03]

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Babs: Do you remember where I'm from?
Bren: Urmston.
Babs: No, I'm from Urmston!
Petula: I'm just saving some oxygen for the foetus. (to "foetus") Alright, baba?
Customer: Do you have that yogurt for your intestines?
Dolly: No.
Customer: It's advertised with singing bacteria.
Dolly: Where was this?
Customer: Well, this was in Carlisle.
Dolly: Well, Carlisle! That's a much more gullible part of the country!

Fog [2.04]

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Bren: I thought you said he looked like Richard Madeley!
Jean: I meant Richard Whiteley!
Tony: So, you're not pregnant, then?
Bren: Not unless sperm can get through a sash window.
Stan: It's one of several neglected areas in my life. I've got no sex life, no frying pan and I'm halfway through a tube of toothpaste I absolutely cannot stand!
Anita: Aww, I can help you out, Stan!
Tony: Aye aye?
Anita: I could lend you a wok!
Stan: They used to call me Coppernob!
Twinkle: What colour was your hair, though, Stan?

Gamble [2.05]

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Dolly: Bob's sister, who usually keeps my present pretty much at bath cube level, has upgraded me to a cafetiere!
Bren: You mean you've opened it already?
Dolly: Well, how else do I know what price range I'm batting back against? I'd done her a germicidal hand cream, but no, actually, that's not wasted, I can divert that to the paper boy.
Dolly: Didn't they teach you anything at school?
Twinkle: How to put a condom on a cucumber
Dolly: Honestly, what's the point in that?
Bren: Be fair Dolly there's not many cucumbers that could manage it for themselves

Christmas [2.06]

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(Twinkle gets a horse figurine from Dolly for Christmas)
Jean: I got you that two years ago!
Dolly: Did you?! I suppose if I'd been on HRT I would have remembered!
Anita: (after Bren telling Bob she's just doing some bacon) You know you were asking about bacon? We haven't got any at the moment but Bren's just doing some.
Bob: What are you on, a two minute delay?
(Stan sees Dolly and Jean about to move one of the tables)
Stan: Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
Jean: Is the bus reversing?
Bren: Tony didn't tear it. It was Martin.
Jean: Ooh, this gets better. Who's Martin? Should we have had a bet on him?
Bren: He's my-
Jean: Calor Gas man?
Dolly: Mother's boyfriend?
Philippa: Chiropodist?
Anita: Stick insect?
Bren: Husband.
Dolly: Bren, we can't toast baguettes on that, can we?
Bren: No, they get stuck.
Dolly: (to her customer) No, they get stuck, thank you! What a question!

Minnellium [2.07]

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Dolly: And it would be nice if we could all spare a thought for the coming of our Lord.
Twinkle: Oh, not him again. We'll be back on Ragtag and flipping Bobtail in a minute! Can I just finish my coffee?
Philippa: Never mind your bloody coffee. Get in the bloody bloody bloody frigging car!
Anita: I don't like 'fart face'. Even after 9:00.
Stan: Do you want to know about the traffic. Do you want to know your chances of getting into town this evening in time for HWD Compoment's once in a lifetime no expense speared Millennium dinner?
Philippa:Please?
Stan: And you don't want it wrapped up? No softening the blow? No words of comfort? no light hearted little humorous touches?
Philippa: No
Stan: Here it is then. There's a riot in the middle of Manchester! There's three naked lads on the roof of The Midland Hotel! Somebody's ram raided the Disney Shop and they've closed the City Centre! They're letting no more cares into town! All the main roads are gridlocked! The Flyover's been corned off and (approaches Tony) you and (approaches Jean) you and (approaches Dolly) you and (approaches Bren) you (approaches Philippa) and you are going nowhere!
Philippa: Thank you
Stan: Don't mention it!
Stan: A little baby. What a stupid thing to leave on a fire escape!
Bren: That's what it is. I wish I'd met you before.
Tony: Before I had chemo?
Bren: Before I married an alcoholic? I dunno. Twenty years ago? No, not twenty years ago, I had a perm!
Tony: Twenty years ago, I think I did!
Tony: Any baby of Petula's would look like something out of the Beano!
Tony: Did you drive in Anita? How was the traffic?
Anita: The traffic?
Tony: Yeah, you know, cars on the road, passing each other?
Anita: Didn't come that way.
Tony: Yeah, of course you didn't.
Philippa: Oh, is it going again? No, it's okay. Contact lenses.
Dolly: No, I liked you in glasses.
Philippa: Oh, did you?
Dolly: Hm, they diminished your nostrils.
Jean: I'll tell you about the time Keith's Auntie Dot from Cockermouth found two albino gerbils under the spare bed.
Philippa: Aww. Did they mate?
Jean: Well they didn't, what with them being two angora bed socks.
Bren: Jean, I have to say it. Excuse me, Dolly, don't listen to this. Keith is an arsehole.
Jean: I know, but you con get used to that in a person.
Philippa: Do you miss your husband Jean/
Jean: Mmm.. I miss the company. I'm not cut out for being on my own. If I say something like 'I'm a fool I left those tomatoes on the back seat.' It's nice if there's someone there going 'have you?'

Christine [2.08]

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Dolly: (about Christine) She's fascinated with what she calls "The City Beyond the Shining Water".
Jean: Halifax?
Anita: Who's that?
Bren: That's Christine.
Anita: And what's that smell?
Bren: That's Christine as well.
Bren: (about the smell) Have a whiff of raw bacon, it takes the edge off it.
Twinkle: Who was it? Christine?
Bren: Yeah. Might be nerves.
Twinkle: Might be mushy peas!
Christine: (to Dolly) Your aura is amethyst. Mine's white, the next one up, we have a bond.
Tony: And this is Jean.
Christine: (to Jean) No there's no spark there. You're hardly showing an aura at all.
Tony: (about the possibility of Petula coming to live with them) We've got one whiffy old headcase at work, we don't need another one when we get home.
Christine: You're quite shallow, aren't you Brenda. No offense meant!
Bren: No, but lots taken.
Philippa: (as she and Tony watch the social worker talking to Bren in the office) Oh, flip. She's patting Bren's hand.
Tony: Is that bad?
Philippa: Fatal. Empathy. Sympathy. Just like the Gestapo. Then WHAM! There you are installing a stair lift!
Philippa: Whifforama!
Christine: And I often find very cheap coffee can provoke an unscheluded bowel movement
Christine: There are no mugs on the other side

Gravy [2.09]

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Petula: What ward am I on?
Paramedic: 8.
Petula: It's mixed isn't it?
Paramedic: Yes.
Petula: Oh, might have a bit of sex. Though after Richard E Grant you don't really want to bother with a load of shagged-out pensioners.
(Petula has just told everyone that she has three weeks to live)
Dolly: Surely they'll have drugs
Petula: Oh, I think so. Brian's got a few contacts - oh, you mean hospital drugs!
Anita: When our neighbour died, when the (she draws a box in mid air)
Twinkle: Coffin?
Anita: Went through the (mimes looking through curtains and draws them in mid air as well)
Jean: Curtains?
Anita: They played the theme music from Countdown!
Bren: Did it make you cry?
Anita: No, I never watch it!
Dolly: (after the ambulance men leave an old woman in a wheelchair in the canteen) I wouldn't get too close, Bren, there could be two slap heads under that blanket!
Twinkle: Do you mean smackheads?
Dolly: There could be two drug addicts under that blanket, ready to leap out!
Jean': They'd have to be pretty small!
Dolly: They are small! Once people are on heroin, square meals fly out of the window, it was in the Daily Mail!

Toast [2.10]

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Petula: I'm sorry I haven't been a very good mother. You can't be good at everything and I was A1 with a hula hoop.
Petula: I'm not scared. I've already had three near death experiences. Do you remember Bren? Oh, no, you weren't there. The last one there was a light at the end of a long, dark passage and Dusty Springfield was beckoning to me with a lovely smile....turned out i'd passed out in the Mersey Tunnel with a drag act.
Jean: (about the new uniform, which is a pair of green and white striped dungarees). I'm going to look like a bouncy castle. Children are going to line their sandals up and pay a pound to jump on me.
Norman: They did a survey of people who won a lot of money.
Philippa: Did they?
Norman: Ruined their lives in some cases.
Tony: Norman?
Norman: What?
Tony: Shut the-
Jane: ACHOO!!!!!
Tony: -up!
Petula:(about dying) I hope i'll end up somewhere with a few like minded folk. Warhol, Dali, Giant Haystacks
Tony: Anita, did you get your yoghurts out?
Anita: Sorry?
Tony: Let me rephrase that. Can you get your yoghurts out?
Anita: Do you mean yoghurts as in breasts?
Tony: No, I mean yoghurts as in little pots of milky stuff with fruit in, with this being a canteen.

Cast

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