Dilbert (TV series)

animated television series

Dilbert is an animated television series spinoff of the Dilbert comics. It aired on UPN for two seasons, in 1999 and 2000.


Season 1Edit

The Name [1.01]Edit

Dilbert: I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30?
Dogbert: I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?
Dilbert: I had the egg dream again.
Dogbert: "I,I,I."
Dilbert: What do you think an egg dream means?
Dogbert: Mmm, probably an omen.
Dilbert: A good omen?
Dogbert: How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?
Dilbert: There only has to be one.

Dilbert: Good morning, shower!
Automated Shower Machine: Good morning, Dilbert!
Dogbert: Hmm, don't you do enough engineering at work?
Dilbert: Work is just meetings, this is engineering. If this works, someday all showers will be voice activated.
Dogbert [sitting on a stool]: Is it that hard to turn the knobs?
Dilbert: It's not that it's hard, it's unnecessary. [To ASM] 99, please.
ASM: 99. [shower turns on at 99 degrees; Dilbert steps inside]
Dogbert [aside]: 400.
[The ASM does nothing]
Dilbert: Heh-heh, nice try. But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.
Dogbert: Why, you think of everything!
Dilbert: I'm cautious.
Dogbert: That's why you had training wheels on your bike until you were 17.
Dilbert: I was 14.
ASM: 14. [makes the shower temperature 14 degrees]
Dilbert: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [is frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [shower goes back to 99 degrees, as the ice melts] Don't do that!
Dogbert: Where'd you get the voice for that thing? It sounds like the voice for that stupid movie; what was it called, "something, something, a Space Odyssey"?
Dilbert: It wasn't "Something, something, a Space Odyssey", it was "2001: A Spa-" [cut to the exterior of the house, as the ASM evidently makes the shower temperature 2001 degrees] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
[back inside, a red-skinned Dilbert wraps a towel around himself, which then catches on fire as he walks off-screen]
Dogbert: On the plus-side, you look very clean.

Dilbert: I told them at the rollout meeting that anthrax was a bacteria, not a herb!
Wally: No you didn't!
Dilbert: Well, I was thinking it pretty hard!

Executive: Bob, you're like a son to me.
Bob: You don't have a son.
Executive: That's where I'm headed here.
Bob: Oooh.

Dilbert: To save time, I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for our next product.
[The "consultant" turns around in his swivel chair and reveals himself to be Dogbert]
Loud Howard: He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen!
Dogbert [writing on a piece of paper]: Recommendation: Downsize the Loud Guy.
Loud Howard: Uh, I-I take it back!
Dogbert: Anyone else want a piece of me?
Dogbert: As you probably know, all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who are competent.
Wally: Competent? How are we gonna compete with that?

PHB: Well, there's no point in killing a dead horse.
Dilbert: You mean there's no point in beating a dead horse.
PHB: Why would anyone beat a dead horse?
Dilbert: Why would anyone kill a dead horse?
PHB: Maybe it kicked ya.
Dilbert: It's dead!
PHB: And so is every customer who has used our flagship product!

Dilbert: Do you think the guy who invented the mouse pad started with the name? What's a mouse pad?
Wally: Heheh, feminine protection for mice.
[Alice smacks Wally in the face with a book]

Accountant: Walter is good with these name things. He just named his baby.
PHB: How is Walter Jr?
Walter: She's fine, thanks for asking.

Dogbert: Do we have anyone here from marketing?
[Dagwood Bumstead and Blondie from marketing are making out]
Blondie: Lie to me!
Dagwood Bumstead: Our next upgrade will solve the problem!
Blondie: Ohhhh! [the two keep making out]
Dogbert: I like the sound of it, but how do you spell "uh-hoo-ah-ahhhh"?

Accountant: Walter's a name for the product.
Walter: How about... Ford?
Dogbert: Hmm. That seems to be taken - [slams his paper on the table] - by the Ford Motor Company!!
[Walter runs out crying]
Dagwood Bumstead: Maybe Ford will sell the name. Everybody has a price!
Dogbert: You're not alowed to talk anymore.

Vibrating chair store owner [speaking in a shaky voice]: Would you like to try a vibrating chair?
Dogbert: Get out of my way, you pervert.
[Dogbert causes all the chairs in the store to vibrate wildly]
Vibrating chair store owner [shaky voice]: Will you be sitting down in any of these?
Dogbert: No, I'm gonna run for it and you might wanna do the same.

Office worker: Help, Dilbert, I've been shot!
Dilbert: "I've been shot!", "I've been shot!"—I have a few problems of my own you know!
Office worker: Yeah I heard about the name thing, that's a drag…

Dilmom: Why don't you call your product the Gruntmaster 6000?
Dilbert: What kind of product do you see when you imagine a Gruntmaster 6000?
Dilmom: Well it's a stripped-down version of the Gruntmaster 9000 of course. But it's software-upgradeable.

Boss: Ah—am I late?
PHB: Right on time sir.
Boss: Oh…in that case I've got time to make some phone calls. [leaves]
PHB: That is so rude.

The Competition [1.03]Edit

Loud Howard: The rumor is that they treat you like a human being! And I would love to be treated like a human being - just once!

Dilbert: This is impossible! How am I gonna get any work done if there's no tension?

Dilbert: What kind of madhouse is this?!

The Prototype [1.02]Edit

Dilbert: Lena's team is so big you could get lost in the crowd and never have to lift a finger.
Alice: They might get the big raises and party atmosphere, but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes from really hard work.
[Wally vanishes.]
Dilbert: You could have worded that better.

Fred's head: Get out while you still can.
Dilbert: Get out?
Fred's head: Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar!
Dilbert: Well maybe it didn't work out with you guys, but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me. She really likes me.

Alice: Team Lena is going down!
Dilbert: Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?
Alice: Of course.

Alice: She's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked. Now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my brain! Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it out!

Dilbert: It's so small - I can't even find it!

The Takeover [1.06]Edit

Dogbert: That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.

Dilbert: Hold it - were you just reading a book?
Wally: Are you bonkers - what makes you think that?
Dilbert: My own eyes.
Wally: Hardly a reliable source.
Dilbert: I just saw you!

Dilbert: Insider trading is illegal - you could go to jail!
PHB: Wally I'll need you to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting.
Wally: Well that has alibi written all over it. Are you in?

Dilbert: I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is down.
Dogbert: Have I ever lied to you?
Dilbert: About a thousand times.
Dogbert: You don't have to throw it in my face.

Wally: Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?

Wally: You do whatever you want. Me - I'm cashing out.
Dilbert: You plan to retire?
Wally: Retire? From what? I don't do anything now except surf the net - why should I pay for that? Besides, I really like the coffee here.

Stockholder: You two are going to fit right in here, and I'm referring of course only to Wally.

Testing [1.04]Edit

Dilbert: That's it! I've done it!
Dogbert: That's not the word on the street.

Dilbert: What are you doing with my laser?
Dogbert: Did you know there are no laws in space?

PHB: Look, I've worked very hard seeing the Gruntmaster 6000 through to this final phase of testing and I just want to say how proud I am of myself. Now if we can just get rid of that junk on the field maybe we can start the tests..
Dilbert: Uh, that's the Gruntmaster 6000.
PHB: Really? It's so big.

Dilbert: Just out of curiosity, how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine?
PHB: A comet hit my Stairmaster - that's why I don't exercise anymore!

Dilbert: You're going into space?
Dogbert: Good observation, potato boy. I'll send you a postcard.
Dilbert: I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space.
Dogbert: Ooh, it can be done. But you might see a little jump in your next tax bill.

Wally: Hey Bob, how's it going?
Bob Bastard: Wally. [walks off with Alice]
Wally [smitten]: He called me "Wally."
Dilbert: That's your name.
Wally: There's no call for bitterness.

Dogbert: So, you're welcome!
Dilbert: Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out.
Dogbert: Ohh, it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.

Elbonian Trip [1.05]Edit

Dilbert: You're living in the past, my furry friend. Capitalism has transformed Elbonia. The economy is burgeoning.
Dogbert: Nothing like slave labor to perk up the economy.
Dilbert: They're making many advances. For instance, did you realise the leading cause of death in Elbonia is no longer Black Plague?
Dogbert: Oh really? What is?
Dilbert: Here we go, it's.. self-inflicted gunshot wounds? Must be a typo.

Garbageman: Well in that case he'll need the help of someone who is incapable of sympathy; someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment.
Dogbert: Oh alright - I'll go.

Dilbert: Hey, hi.
PHB: What an odd-looking people.
Alice: It's us! From work!
Dilbert: Remember?
PHB: If only I spoke your language. Do you know where the pool is? The POOL? Swimmy swimmy?

Alice and Dilbert stare at the PHB.

PHB: Ignorant wogs.

Dilbert: Shouldn't there be a guard-rail around that?
Elbonian: Guard-rail? Haha, what is this, an amusement park?

Alice: You can't put babies to work on an assembly line!
Elbonian: These are not babies. They are toddlers.

Dilbert: Are those people dead?
Elbonian: Technically, yes. But that's no excuse. Get to work you lazy corpse!

Dilbert: If you're going to change anything you're gonna have to organise.
Elbonian Worker: Now you've lost us.

Elbonian Dictator: You will be read your rights, given a fair trial, then executed. On second thought, since we have no rights, and we have no courts, let's go to the execution.

Tower Of Babel [1.08]Edit

Loud Howard: I, I cough, cough I've lost my voice!

Everyone cheers

PHB: Sorry son, I couldn't hear you! Mhm, mhm, mhm.

PHB: At this time it gives me great pleasure to do this.

PHB scratches armpit

PHB: Their sacrifices are a inspiration to us all — not to mention the cost-savings that go directly to the bottom line.

PHB: Secondly, we've stocked the first aid kits with these new wonder-drugs — placebos [pronounced plah-see-bos].

The Little People [1.07]Edit

Alice: I could sue you both for making this a hostile workplace.
Dilbert: Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.
Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.

Charity [1.11]Edit

Dogbert: I'll bet you 20 dollars it doesn't feel good to give. [extends hand]
Dilbert: You are on, my cynical friend! [shakes Dogbert's hand]
Dogbert: Okay, to settle the question, give me 40 dollars and then tell me if it feels good.
Dilbert: That wouldn't feel good.
Dogbert: Okay, then give me 20 dollars because you lost the bet.
Dilbert [puzzled look]: Did I just make a bet that would cost me 20 dollars whether I won or not? [hands Dogbert a $20 bill]
Dogbert [taking the money]: Yes. But you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself.

The Delivery [2.17]Edit

Jay Leno: And you've heard about this guy? Well, he's sort of a guy. And he's reportedly a surrogate mother for an alien, hilbilly, robot, engineer, cow baby. Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of them! Part cow, part engineer...now do you think it'll spend a lot of the nights surfing the internet and milking itself?

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