Dharma & Greg

Dharma & Greg (1997-2002) was an American sitcom about a mismatched married couple. It starred Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson in the title roles. In April 2002, ABC ended the series after 5 seasons.

Season 1 (1997-1998)

Pilot [1.1]

[First lines in the series]

Young Dharma: Leo, Sagittarius, and Aries.

Abby O'Neil: Very good. Now the water signs.

Young Dharma: Pisces, Scorpio... Abby, look. Policemen.

Larry Finkelstein: And what do we say to policemen?

Young Dharma: I have a Fourth Amendment right prohibiting you from conducting an unreasonable search.

Larry Finkelstein: [offering her the "down low" hand slap] Yeah. Give me some skin.

And The In-Laws Meet [1.2]

Greg: It's raining. We're not going to sleep in the rain, are we?

Dharma: No, silly, you don't sleep in the rain. You make love in the rain.

Greg: Ah. What if there's lightning?

Dharma: Then you get to be on top.

Dharma: He acted this way when I wanted to be a Girl Scout.

Larry: It's a para-military organization with cookies.

Larry: Next thing you know, she'll get a social security number.

Dharma: I got one.

Larry: What? Why?

Dharma: I opened a checking account.

Larry: Are you insane? You're on the grid now. They can find you anywhere.

Greg: Who's "they"?

Larry: You.

And Then There's The Wedding [1.4]

[Before Dharma and Greg's wedding]

Dharma: Can you see me?

Greg: Yes.

Dharma: Oh, I totally misunderstood that groom-can't-see-the-bride-in-her-wedding-dress-thing.

[Kitty comes in]

Kitty: What are you doing here? You can't see her in her dress!

Dharma: See, that's what I thought!

Abby: Larry, did you eat meat?

Larry: No.

Abby: You ate meat. I can smell it.

Larry: That's my tongue. It's made of meat.

Kitty: Look! Look at these! They're awful!

Edward: They're just flowers. Nobody cares.

Kitty: And by "nobody", you mean "you".

Edward: Yes.

Kitty: Well, let me tell you something, Edward. Everybody cares. And by "everybody" I mean "me". I care, Edward. That is my job in this family. I care. I care at every Christmas dinner. I care at every business function. I care everytime that maid puts a meal down in front of you. And for some reason or other, you don't seem to notice.

Edward: All right, all right. Here's the checkbook.

Kitty: Thank you, Thank you, Edward. I will tuck this away in the gaping void that was once my soul.

Edward: Don't lose the pen this time.

The First Thanksgiving [1.10]

Kitty: Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be me.

Dharma: Kitty where's the potato masher

Kitty: I told you I gave her the day off

Old Yeller [1.14]

Dharma: Honey.. I love you, but bite me.

The Cat's Out Of The Bag [1.20]

Dharma: What's going on?

Greg: Well there is no pretty way to say this but my father picked up a woman who robbed him and left him tied to a bed in a hotel room...

Pete: Hey buddy, take it easy on him it can be pretty upsetting the first time.

Kitty: (Reads Fortune Cookie) True wealth is measured in friendships. Oh nonsense

Much Ado During Nothing [1.22]

Kitty: What is it ?

Greg: It's a duck.

Ed: That's not a duck, it's a goose.

Dharma: Yes, but captain, my captain, goose does not rhyme...

Invasion Of The Buddy Snatcher [1.23]

Roger: Dharma do you have anything for a headache ?

Dharma: Why what's the matter ?

Roger: I have a headache...

Dharma: Well Roger that's just a symptom, I mean usually there is an emotional problem that goes along with a physical illness...

Roger: Yeah, aspirin, ibuprofen...

Dharma: Loneliness, depression, anger...

Pete: So it doesn't bother you that your wife is talking to Stuart about his...well you know ?

Greg: You can say impotence.

Pete: No you can't ! Cause if you say it, you think it and if you think it you got it !

Larry: I can not endorse by my actions any system that places one human being in servitude to an other.

Season 2 (1998-1999)

Ringing Up Baby [2.1]

Greg: Pete, she's having a baby !

Pete: Yeah but she's giving it to you !

Greg: No, she's not !

Pete: Hey how long after they have the kid do they keep making milk ?

Greg: Seek professional help you are ill.

Greg: We'll get her things and we'll go to the hospital.

Dharma: Why she's not sick ?!

Greg: Dharma, people have babies in hospitals

Dharma: Yeah, I know isn't it horrible ?

Kitty: You're not going to take this girl to a hospital ?

Aby: Why, she's not sick !

Greg: Mother, maybe you could give her a hand ?

Kitty: Oh I don't know anything about childbirth !

Greg: What do you mean, you had me ?

Kitty: Oh Gregory don't be vulgar !

It Takes a Village [2.2]

Greg: Who are all this people ?

Abby: Oh they're gonna help us with the baby.

Greg: Why ?

Dharma: Because it takes a village to raise a child Greg.

Greg: It does ?

Kitty: And, I realised that my true destiny was to be the matriarch of a large powerfull family. Like the Kennedys. But not catholic.

Dharma: So why didn't you had a lot of kids ?

Kitty: I couldn't have any more after Gregory

Dharma: Oh really I'm sorry... Why ?

Kitty: It hurt too bad.

Turn Turn Turn [2.3]

Kitty: Edward tell him.

Edward: What happened to "shut up and drive"?

Kitty: Oh please ! You mean your gonna get my grandson drunk and perform a surgery on him in the living room ?

Abby: You know, look frankly, Kitty I don't believe in circumcision either, but when it comes to penises Larry is very Jewish.

Dharma: Picture how incredible would have been high school if your mother had sat you down and taught you how to please a woman ?

Greg: Thanks for that picture honey I may never have sex again...

See Dharma Run [2.16]

Greg: Are you sure you're ok ?

Pete: Yeah, I'm fine...

Greg: What's going on with you and that girl, what's her name, Eileene ?

Pete: There is no Eileen... I made her up

Greg: But... You said you met her parents, and that they hated you ?

Pete: They would have...

Jane: What's new?

Pete: My life is empty and has no meaning.

Jane: I asked you what's new.

Larry: Don't touch their money Dharma, it's a deal with the devil.

Kitty: Are you calling us the devil ?

Larry: You only want her elected so she'll wage war to support your military-industrial complex !

Greg: San Francisco Board of Supervisors does not wage war...

Larry: Of course not, they send the young boys ! Where have all the flowers gone, answer me that !

Ed: You smoked them, Finklestein.

Season 5 (2001-2002)

The Mamas and the Papas [5.23/24]

[Last lines in the series]

Cast

• Jenna Elfman - Dharma Freedom Montgomery, née Finkelstein
• Thomas Gibson - Gregory "Greg" Clifford Montgomery
• Susan Sullivan - Katherine "Kitty" Montgomery
• Mitch Ryan - Edward Montgomery
• Mimi Kennedy - Abigail Kathleen "Abby" O'Neil
• Alan Rachins - Myron Lawrence "Larry" Finkelstein
• Shae D'Lyn - Jane Deaux
• Joel Murray - Peter James "Pete" Cavanaugh

External links

• Dharma & Greg quotes at the Internet Movie Database