Dharma & Greg
American television sitcom
Pilot [1.1] edit
- [First lines in the series]
- Young Dharma: Leo, Sagittarius, and Aries.
- Abby O'Neil: Very good. Now the water signs.
- Young Dharma: Pisces, Scorpio... Abby, look. Policemen.
- Larry Finkelstein: And what do we say to policemen?
- Young Dharma: I have a Fourth Amendment right prohibiting you from conducting an unreasonable search.
- Larry Finkelstein: [offering her the "down low" hand slap] Yeah. Give me some skin.
And The In-Laws Meet [1.2] edit
- Greg: It's raining. We're not going to sleep in the rain, are we?
- Dharma: No, silly, you don't sleep in the rain. You make love in the rain.
- Greg: Ah. What if there's lightning?
- Dharma: Then you get to be on top.
- Dharma: He acted this way when I wanted to be a Girl Scout.
- Larry: It's a para-military organization with cookies.
- Larry: Next thing you know, she'll get a social security number.
- Dharma: I got one.
- Larry: What? Why?
- Dharma: I opened a checking account.
- Larry: Are you insane? You're on the grid now. They can find you anywhere.
- Greg: Who's "they"?
- Larry: You.
Shower The People You Love With Love [1.3] edit
And Then There's The Wedding [1.4] edit
- [Before Dharma and Greg's wedding]
- Dharma: Can you see me?
- Greg: Yes.
- Dharma: Oh, I totally misunderstood that groom-can't-see-the-bride-in-her-wedding-dress-thing.
- [Kitty comes in]
- Kitty: What are you doing here? You can't see her in her dress!
- Dharma: See, that's what I thought!
- Abby: Larry, did you eat meat?
- Larry: No.
- Abby: You ate meat. I can smell it.
- Larry: That's my tongue. It's made of meat.
- Kitty: Look! Look at these! They're awful!
- Edward: They're just flowers. Nobody cares.
- Kitty: And by "nobody", you mean "you".
- Edward: Yes.
- Kitty: Well, let me tell you something, Edward. Everybody cares. And by "everybody" I mean "me". I care, Edward. That is my job in this family. I care. I care at every Christmas dinner. I care at every business function. I care everytime that maid puts a meal down in front of you. And for some reason or other, you don't seem to notice.
- Edward: All right, all right. Here's the checkbook.
- Kitty: Thank you, Thank you, Edward. I will tuck this away in the gaping void that was once my soul.
- Edward: Don't lose the pen this time.
The Ex-Files [1.5] edit
Yoga and Boo Boo [1.6] edit
Indian Summer [1.7] edit
He Ain't Heavy, He's My Father [1.9] edit
The First Thanksgiving [1.10] edit
- Kitty: Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be me.
- Dharma: Kitty where's the potato masher
- Kitty: I told you I gave her the day off
Instant Dharma [1.11] edit
Haus Arrest [1.12] edit
You Want Fries With That? [1.13] edit
Old Yeller [1.14] edit
- Dharma: Honey.. I love you, but bite me.
The Second Coming Of Leonard [1.15] edit
Dharma & Greg's First Romantic Valentine's Day Weekend [1.16] edit
The Official Dharma & Greg Episode Of The 1998 Winter Olympics [1.17] edit
Daughter Of The Bride Of Finkelstein [1.18] edit
Dharma's Tangled Web [1.19] edit
The Cat's Out Of The Bag [1.20] edit
- Dharma: What's going on?
- Greg: Well there is no pretty way to say this but my father picked up a woman who robbed him and left him tied to a bed in a hotel room...
- Pete: Hey buddy, take it easy on him it can be pretty upsetting the first time.
- Kitty: (Reads Fortune Cookie) True wealth is measured in friendships. Oh nonsense
Spring Forward, Fall Down [1.21] edit
Much Ado During Nothing [1.22] edit
- Kitty: What is it ?
- Greg: It's a duck.
- Ed: That's not a duck, it's a goose.
- Dharma: Yes, but captain, my captain, goose does not rhyme...
Invasion Of The Buddy Snatcher [1.23] edit
- Roger: Dharma do you have anything for a headache ?
- Dharma: Why what's the matter ?
- Roger: I have a headache...
- Dharma: Well Roger that's just a symptom, I mean usually there is an emotional problem that goes along with a physical illness...
- Roger: Yeah, aspirin, ibuprofen...
- Dharma: Loneliness, depression, anger...
- Pete: So it doesn't bother you that your wife is talking to Stuart about his...well you know ?
- Greg: You can say impotence.
- Pete: No you can't ! Cause if you say it, you think it and if you think it you got it !
- Larry: I can not endorse by my actions any system that places one human being in servitude to an other.
Ringing Up Baby [2.1] edit
- Greg: Pete, she's having a baby !
- Pete: Yeah but she's giving it to you !
- Greg: No, she's not !
- Pete: Hey how long after they have the kid do they keep making milk ?
- Greg: Seek professional help you are ill.
- Greg: We'll get her things and we'll go to the hospital.
- Dharma: Why she's not sick ?!
- Greg: Dharma, people have babies in hospitals
- Dharma: Yeah, I know isn't it horrible ?
- Kitty: You're not going to take this girl to a hospital ?
- Aby: Why, she's not sick !
- Greg: Mother, maybe you could give her a hand ?
- Kitty: Oh I don't know anything about childbirth !
- Greg: What do you mean, you had me ?
- Kitty: Oh Gregory don't be vulgar !
It Takes a Village [2.2] edit
- Greg: Who are all this people ?
- Abby: Oh they're gonna help us with the baby.
- Greg: Why ?
- Dharma: Because it takes a village to raise a child Greg.
- Greg: It does ?
- Kitty: And, I realised that my true destiny was to be the matriarch of a large powerfull family. Like the Kennedys. But not catholic.
- Dharma: So why didn't you had a lot of kids ?
- Kitty: I couldn't have any more after Gregory
- Dharma: Oh really I'm sorry... Why ?
- Kitty: It hurt too bad.
Turn Turn Turn [2.3] edit
- Kitty: Edward tell him.
- Edward: What happened to "shut up and drive"?
- Kitty: Oh please ! You mean your gonna get my grandson drunk and perform a surgery on him in the living room ?
- Abby: You know, look frankly, Kitty I don't believe in circumcision either, but when it comes to penises Larry is very Jewish.
- Dharma: Picture how incredible would have been high school if your mother had sat you down and taught you how to please a woman ?
- Greg: Thanks for that picture honey I may never have sex again...
The Paper Hat Anniversary [2.4] edit
Unarmed and Dangerous [2.5] edit
A Closet Full of Hell [2.6] edit
Valet Girl [2.7] edit
Like, Dharma's Totally Got a Date [2.8] edit
Brought to You in DharmaVision [2.9] edit
Yes, We Have No Bananas (or Anything Else for That Matter) [2.10] edit
The House That Dharma Built [2.11] edit
Are You Ready for Some Football? [2.12] edit
Death and Violins [2.13] edit
Dharma and Greg on a Hot Tin Roof [2.14] edit
Dharma and the Horse She Rode In On [2.15] edit
See Dharma Run [2.16] edit
- Greg: Are you sure you're ok ?
- Pete: Yeah, I'm fine...
- Greg: What's going on with you and that girl, what's her name, Eileene ?
- Pete: There is no Eileen... I made her up
- Greg: But... You said you met her parents, and that they hated you ?
- Pete: They would have...
- Jane: What's new?
- Pete: My life is empty and has no meaning.
- Jane: I asked you what's new.
- Larry: Don't touch their money Dharma, it's a deal with the devil.
- Kitty: Are you calling us the devil ?
- Larry: You only want her elected so she'll wage war to support your military-industrial complex !
- Greg: San Francisco Board of Supervisors does not wage war...
- Larry: Of course not, they send the young boys ! Where have all the flowers gone, answer me that !
- Ed: You smoked them, Finklestein.
Run, Dharma, Run [2.17] edit
See Dharma Run Amok [2.18] edit
Everybody Must Get Stones [2.19] edit
Dharma Drags Edward Out of Retirement [2.20] edit
It Never Happened One Night [2.21] edit
Bed, Bath and Beyond [2.22] edit
A Girl Can Dream, Can't She? [2.23] edit
The Dating Game [2.24] edit
The Mamas and the Papas [5.23/24] edit
- [Last lines in the series]
- Jenna Elfman - Dharma Freedom Montgomery, née Finkelstein
- Thomas Gibson - Gregory "Greg" Clifford Montgomery
- Susan Sullivan - Katherine "Kitty" Montgomery
- Mitch Ryan - Edward Montgomery
- Mimi Kennedy - Abigail Kathleen "Abby" O'Neil
- Alan Rachins - Myron Lawrence "Larry" Finkelstein
- Shae D'Lyn - Jane Deaux
- Joel Murray - Peter James "Pete" Cavanaugh