Destroy All Humans! 2

2006 video game

Destroy All Humans! 2 is a game created by Pandemic and the sequel to Destroy All Humans!.


  • Well, thanks, "Freak". I'm off to go find Coyote Bongwater... can't believe I just said that.
  • Cryptography? That's practically my middle name! Well, my only name.
  • Attention, Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the Planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire, and your asses belong to ME!
  • [seeing Natalya for the first time] Whoa... I've had wet dreams that weren't this good...
  • Prison island? You mean, the KGB are holed up in Australia?
  • [coughs] What was all that about? Uh, my freakin' head... this gas is noxious, smells like Pox's underwear... Don't ask me how I know that.
  • My name is Luke... Crypto, and I'm here to rescue you.
  • This will be the greatest thing in your life since you found out that boil on your butt was just a marshmallow.
  • The sensor cell connects to the focal plane; the focal plane connects to the plasma beam... I know you're waitin' for me to sing that damn song. Well, I ain't doin' it. I've got standards; they may not be high, but I've got 'em. Also, we couldn't get the rights.
  • Brings a freakin' tear to my eye.
  • Put this in your bong and smoke it!
  • I'm a freakin' supernova!
  • What? Park full of potheads and none of you ever had erectile dysfunction? [no response] Last time I open up to you people...
  • Yippee-ki-yay, Mother Russia.
  • [if Crypto isn't able to use certain abilities on certain people or objects] I need an upgrade from the Gene Blender.
  • [while battling Kojira Kaiju] DIE, YOU OVERGROWN LIZARD-MONKEY!
  • [while battling Kojira Kaiju] Oh, sure, giant lady-lizard grows a new femur anytime she destroys something, while Crypto has to go and drain vehicles like a sissy! Game designers.... sheesh.
  • [while battling Kojira Kaiju] Old Kojira was hoppin' around Takoshima City like a big playground... gets stuck in my head every time... [reference to The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny song]
  • Ponsonby was right about one thing: everybody cracks.
  • Takoshima. Oriental setting. And the city don't know what the city is getting.
  • Feel the earth move under your feet! Castle Kuro's tumblin' down!
  • [convincing the White Ninjas to worship Arkvoodle] Now go forth and multiply-- I mean, serve! Which, in this case, is the same thing...
  • [trying to act "charming" in Moon Base Solaris] Hello, Solaris! Hello, Solaris! Is this a great-looking crowd or what? Seriously, don't drop the soap in the shower, fellas!


  • I shall continue my repairs on the saucer, and then I shall... I don't know, order a virtual pizza or something. Brains, I hate this.
  • Crypto! You found all the Nexus Crystals! And I owe Gastro a fiver.
  • Crypto, If you can hear me, meet me in the park. It seems that treacherous human's damaged some of your equipment. No, I'm not referring your new "package"!
  • Oh, sure, point out that I'm dead again. It just gets funnier every 50th time you do it, doesn't it?
  • Ah, Albion, where the sun never sets and the natives never floss.
  • The saucer's sensor is picking up significant radiation levels all around you, Crypto. Either Gastro's gout is acting up, or there must be fuel rods nearby.
  • That cinches it, Crypto! You've destroyed the Blisk Base! I've half a mind to put you up for a medal - but only half.
  • Never heard of... I'm Orthopox 13 man! The Orthopox 13! Conqueror of Zargon 5? Hero of the battle of Tharsis Mons? Winner of the Xanthrax-47 mental cruelty award six years running? I'm the second most senior fleet commander in the entire Furon Navy! I was enslaving hyper-dimensional insectoids in the dunghills of Beedleblat when you were still in short pants! And you've never heard of me?
  • ... Yes I did, Crypto, but that won't help. Albion is full of tunnels, pipes, and excavations galore. It's like a moldy sponge, built atop noxious Swiss cheese.
  • Just in time, Crypto! Bongwater has launched his ships at the city! You must stop them from polluting the air with Revelade! I'll be monitoring the level of Revelade in the atmosphere. But you'd better destroy those blimps quickly, Crypto, because if the Revelade level reaches 100% saturation, our Bay City brain farm will be turned into a useless den of unmotivated degenerates sitting in front of their TV screens, twiddling their thumbs... Ahem!
  • [as Kojira looms over him] Don't crush me! DON'T CRUSH ME! Oh brains! My lives are flashing before my eyes! KILL IT, CRYPTO! KILL IT!
  • It doesn't make any sense! Every time Kojira destroys a building, her health regenerates! It's an cultural CATASTROPHE! Destroy them before she has a chance to!
  • [during final battle; Milenkov has become an armoured Blisk] Brains! Milenkov must have a recharging unit somewhere on his body - but where?! Damn you, Blisk Anatomy 101!
  • Of course! Crypto, Milenkov's recharging unit IS his armour! Take out those plates and he'll become vulnerable! And also... naked. Brace yourself for the horror...


  • Reginald Ponsonby Smythe, at your service and Her Majesty's. Although in her case, the service is secret.
  • The sun has not set on this Empire! It's just... gone behind a cloud or something...
  • For Majestic! For Silhouette!
  • Silhoutte was the only woman I'll ever love! Good job I've still got the men, though.
  • [after drugging Crypto] Lower life-forms, when will they ever learn?


  • Nice teeth, you want to keep them? Then go away.
  • Crypto is sweet... well he's not sweet, but he's kind. Okay, he's not kind, but he's cute... in a mutated rodent sort of way.
  • Sergei is the kind of guy you date, not the kind you marry. And Crypto's not even the type you date. Actually, Crypto's not even a man.
  • How could you, Stalin?! You fed us lies and murdered millions! Cute moustache, though.
  • Blin, I hate being "naked"... and by being "naked," of course, I mean "operating without backup or cover." Get your mind out of the gutter!
  • You think it is easy being a female superspy? Try finding maxi-pads at two in the morning in Minsk! I'd like to see James Bond pull THAT one off...
  • Looks like I got here just in time. Now come on, spaceman, move your ass!
  • I have four knives concealed on my body and I'm lethal with all of them. Concentrate!
  • Crypto, I like you, but I will neuter you if I have to.
  • All right, spaceman, you line them up, I'll knock them down.
  • Crypto, I was the best shot in my class and I once fought my way out of an East German football riot wearing a West German jersey. I'm not a sidekick. No offense taken.


  • The desecration of this land offends my all-seeing eye! Rid the vicinity of human-made refuse! Thus spake Arkvoodle! [after area is cleared] Sacred son of Arkvoodle, thou hast pleased me well! For thy service, I grant thee some serious swag: landing zone activated!
  • The glory of Arkvoodle grows from the highest state of chaotic fecundity! When the ring turns orange and the population's nerves are frayed, then shall the ground be fit to sow, and the masses shall follow! Thus spake Arkvoodle! Bow-chicka-bow-down!
  • From the ashes of terror and destruction, Arkvoodle is reborn to spread the good pick-up line of erotic satiation! Go, son of Arkvoodle! Take the Sacred Crotch to the masses!
  • Arkvoodle requires slaves! Female slaves! Preferably buxom and scantily clad. By the Sacred Genitalia, heed the word of Arkvoodle! [when female humans are brought] These females are "fly" and "off the hook"! Landing zone activated!
  • Bring me humans, alive and squirming, that I may suck up their lifeforce like Voltarian linquilipedes... in spicy solar clam sauce, mmm! Arkvoodle has spoken! [when brought humans] My omnivorous hunger is sated! Landing zone activated! It rhymes! I'm a poet and I know it not!
  • The humans have offended me! Therefore probe them in their nether regions, to teach them discipline! Arkvoodle the High and Mighty commands thee! [after Crypto does so] The humans have been probed! ... And there was much titillation! Landing zone activated!
  • It is written in the Book of Divine Fabrications that "the Great God of the Sacred Crotch was not made and cannot be unmade! Arkvoodle is, always was, and always will be!" And for once, they got it right. Fire at my idol with your Disintegrator Ray! I'll show you. [after idol is shot] Told you. Nonetheless, I shall unlock the landing zone. Thanks for playing.
  • It is written in the Book of Divine Fabrications that "only a white warrior with the soul of a Furon can strike the face of Arkvoodle and restore balance to the Force!" Or some such nonsense. Anyhow, bring me a white ninja.
  • I've been keeping hold of this alien predator for eons, trapped deep within, suspended in time... Why? Well, frankly, it snores, and the vibrations give me a tickle. But I'm just not in the mood right now. Take it away! [after obtaining the Burrow Beast datacore] Thank you, son of Arkvoodle. It was beginning to chafe. And thank you also for creating a cult in mine honour - being worshipped makes mine eternal gyroscopes oscillate, if you know what I meanest...
  • Son of Arkvoodle, I have a, err... hmm, how shall I say this? I have a "blockage". It's really most vexing; it pulses and throbs deep inside me! Oh, I mean, REALLY deep! All the way down, follow me? Hast thou any implement that might relieve this deep inner blockage? ... D'oh, brains! Do I have to draw you a map?! [after idol is shot with Anal Probe] Ohhhh, yeaaaaahhh... oh, that's good... Woo! Smooth sailing from here on out! Well done, my son!
  • Low voltage warning! My power is diminished! I must have the healing only a torrid rush of hyper-energized electrons can bring! [after idol is shot with Zap-O-Matic] I HAVE THE POWER! Landing zone activated!
  • All around thee, my son, lurk agents of destruction, dispatched on their fell mission by I know not whom. Could be Dodecalypse, that bastard's always screwing with me. In any case, bring me one of these "KGB agents", so I may look into its insidious heart and know the face of its master! [when brought KGB agent] Phew! It's dark in that heart! Well, sooner or later, the truth will let out. Landing zone activated!
  • Thou shalt render no images of false gods - especially ones which are more attractive than mine! Eliminate those idols! [after statues are destroyed] This idol threat has been eliminated! Heheheheh, I amuse mine own self. Landing zone activated!
  • Ooooh, big tough infidels with mighty implements with which to work the very rock of this tiny world. I am so impressed... NOT! Smash their monstrous contraptions!
  • Thou obviously canst not land if thy landing zone is bestrewnst with drums filledst with toxic! Get rid of those barrels!
  • I am the light! Thou shalt have no other light before me! Which means that lighthouse has to go!


  • [if Crypto goes near one while possessing a human] You've got cojones! We'll give you that!
  • [if Crypto goes near one while possessing a human] Watch it! We just got the shell waxed!
  • [if Crypto strikes one with an explosive barrel of waste] Boiling is the preferred method, actually.
  • [if Crypto strikes one with an explosive barrel of waste] Deep-fried lobster tail!
  • [seeing Crypto kill a human] Deep-fried! Worst way to go...
  • [trying to lure out Crypto] We got cheerleaders...!
  • [when damaged by Crypto] OWIE!
  • If only people could get past the shell and see the real us... Err, nah, it's all pretty much ugly.
  • After thousands of years, revenge will taste oh so sweet! I could go for a jellybean too...
  • Furon bastard!
  • Claws, don't fail me now!
  • They love us in Halifax!
  • What did that human mean, "bottom-feeder"?
  • One more drawn butter joke, and we swear, we're out of here!
  • [hums organ line from "Rock Lobster"] There goes a narwhal! Whoa!
  • Lobsters ROCK!


  • Gastro: Somebody need an ass-whoppin'?
  • Gastro: Go-Go Gastro!
  • Tunguska KGB: If I were an animal, I would be rabbit. Oh, and with an AK-47.
  • Tunguska KGB: [after Crypto picks him up] Well, it's better than Aeroflot.
  • KGB Agent: Inside, I am being hysterical.
  • KGB Agent: They have colours beside gray outside Soviet Union!
  • KGB Agent: Ah, Stalin - a nation of admiring workers gives you its thanks. Except for ones you killed...
  • KGB Agent: Damn you, Americans! You taunt me with your decadent fast food! Your colas, your delectable cheeseburgers, your onion rings with the zesty dipping sauces... eh... DAMN YOU!
  • Secret Agent: Quincy, Mortimer Quincy... Oh it still doesn't sound right.
  • White Ninja Leader: We will defend you to the death, oh Furon Lord, but first we must compose our death haikus.
  • White Ninja: Think this looks easy?/You try thinking in haiku./See how long you last!
  • White Ninja: See? You learn how to/Make haiku while you play game!/Now you try at home!
  • White Ninja: Does the walker choose/The path or path the walker?/Whoa, dude - that is deep.
  • White Ninja: Why must we wear white?/It stains so easily. Do/I look fat in this?
  • White Ninja: I liked the first game./I hope this one's just as good./And that I don't die.
  • White Ninja: Extras are so sad./No one thinks of us at all./We just want your love!
  • White Ninja: Dendrophiles are hot./Too bad I am not a tree./Then I would get some.
  • White Ninja: Salmon swim upstream/Until they spawn or they die./Fish sex must be great.
  • White Ninja: Angelina J,/You're not even been born yet, but/I can hardly wait.
  • Black Ninja: Why think in haiku/When I speak in normal prose?/Better not to ask.
  • Black Ninja: What if we are all/Characters in video game?/Now my mind is blown!
  • Black Ninja: Ninjas and pirates/Always at each other's throats./Can we not be friends?
  • Black Ninja: AmiYumi girls/Have not even been born yet./Oh, my aching heart!
  • Bay City Urban Male: Damn druggies. Why can't they just abuse alcohol like the rest of us?
  • Bay City Urban Male: Wonder if my Nudist Monthly came in the mail today...
  • Bay City Urban Female: Burn my bra? And get all saggy?! Please!
  • Bay City Urban Female: What does Sue Storm do with her clothes?
  • Bay City Urban Female: Roger's never going to leave his wife - good thing I'm doing her too!
  • Bay City Urban Female: All right, I'm finally liberated! ... Now what?
  • Bay City Hippie: Man, what are you on? I want some!
  • Big City Hippie Girl: Sex, drugs, rock and roll... DO I HAVE TO PICK?!
  • Big City Hippie Girl: Newsflash, Brad: "sexual liberation" does NOT mean open season on grabbin' my ass!
  • The Freak: I don't know his real name, but he calls himself, COYOTE BONGWATER! ... Which is pretty righteous.
  • Shama Llama: Hail Arkvoodle! Lord of the sacred crotch!
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Despite fact there is being no air, I am hearing something.
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Compared to Soviet Union, moon is looking like colorful paradise!
  • KGB Cosmonaut: From here, Earth is looking like... blue cheese!
  • Tunguska Soldier: Beating on proletariat is good job, but hours are murder. HA HA! HA HA!
  • Albion Policeman: Stop! Or I'll say... "stop" again.
  • Albion Policeman: Move! Or I'll say... "move" again!
  • Albion Hippie Girl: I'm gonna be the first hooker elected Prime Minister! Unless Thatcher gets there first...
  • Albion Hippie: Little Green Americans! Little Green Americans!
  • Albion Square: An American! AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • Russian Mafia Thug: Why is Russian mafia needing to kill innocent people? Our government is doing a good enough job with that already.
  • The Freak: I wonder if there really is life on other planets. I wonder if aliens really do walk among us. I wonder if an alien is reading my mind RIGHT NOW!
  • African-American Hippie: My favorite Jackson? Gotta be Michael. He's just so normal!
  • Agent Soychorski: Curse you, Furon! I am atheist, but on the off-chance hell exists, I will haunt you from beyond!
  • Yamanosuke Hirotaro:: Maybe I go to Hollywood, make martial arts movie about me and put black basketball star in it as bad guy. Nah! It would never work.
  • Russian Male Peasant: Supposedly, scientists are performing numerous nuclear experiments in town. I suppose it would explain why I am peeing green.
  • Russian Female Peasant: How come there are only two types of bras in Russia? Slovenly or femme fatale?
  • Russian Female Scientist: Someday, my prince will come... damn the Soviet mail system!
  • Russian Female Scientist: Lately have been feeling as though am just following script... as if am reading lines written for me by someone... eerie.
  • Russian Male Peasant: If Leninism, Trotskyism and Stalinism are all agreeing with Marxism... is this making them Marx Brothers?
  • Russian Male Peasant: Mind says Lenin, but body says Stalin. And shockingly, at heart I am being straight capitalist. Go figuring.
  • Russian Male Peasant: Why one never is seeing any children around? Is not as if workers can be affording contraception!
  • Russian Male Peasant: Am still finding difficult to be sitting... next time, must be putting pants on before lighting petrol.
  • The Freak: I am a fish... I am a fish... I AM A FISH!
  • Bay City Cop: Ah, the people I protect and serve... how I hate them so.
  • Bay City Army: I just joined the army to get money to go to college. No one said anything about killing people!
  • Albion Urban: I've had sex twice. Once in Eton with my roommate, and once with my wife on our honeymoon. Frankly, I don't see what all the fuss is about.
  • Black Ninja: [When PKed] Who will save Ninja?!
  • Yakuza: Mama say! Mama san! Ma Yakuza! (reference to Soul Makossa)
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Stupid Americans! Getting bogged down in a no-win situation in Vietnam! Russians will never be stupid enough to do that! I wonder how Afghanistan is this time of year?
  • Takoshima Cop: You think I’m coming after you? You crazy!
  • Takoshima Cop: You want bullet in ass?!
  • Takoshima Cop: [When PKed] Higher, Higher!
  • Takoshima Cop: [When PKed] Put cop down!
  • Takoshima Cop: What? Haven't you ever seen an Asian man pretend to be black before?
  • Black Ninja: Stop killing people! That's my job.
  • Yakuza: What? Why you stare? It just because I'm black?
  • Takoshima General: [if Crypto causes enough destruction to get to yellow alert level] Calling emperor's army!
  • Takoshima General: [if Crypto causes enough destruction to get to yellow alert level] Sending super warriors or army!
  • Takoshima General: [if Crypto causes enough destruction to get to yellow alert level] We need army! Do we still have one?!
  • Takoshima General: [during the Kojira Kaiju battle; he will say this rarely when you hit red alert level] GOJIRA! MONSTER! AIIIIIEEEEYYAAAAA!
  • Black Ninja: For great justice! (reference to the introduction scene in the game Zero Wing).
  • Black Ninja: Prepare yourself for death!
  • Black Ninja: You’ll die now, dragon!
  • Albion Female Hippie: Me mind says John; me body says Paul; me soul says George. So why do I always end up going home with Ringo?
  • Albion Male Urban: My mind says David Frost, but my body says Benny Hill.
  • Leonid: Oh God, how am I going to face them all? They're fed up with this place - and I can't blame them! We sold our principles to a race of... of GIANT SPACE CRABS FROM MARS! It's the oldest cliché in the book! Oh, I am not fit to be a Soviet hero...
  • Leonid: Pull yourself together, Leonid! Khrushchev always said, "The proletariat are like dogs; they can smell fear! Even in a vacuum, nyet?"
  • Japanese Male: Should I join White Ninja, or Black Ninja? On one hand, White Ninja are in glorious harmony with universe. On other hand, Black Ninja get to live on island north of Takoshima City. White Ninja get spiritual fulfillment. Black Ninja get paid. Black Ninja.
  • Japanese Female: Geisha should not have such bad reputation. They go down in history! In fact, they very good at going down! Haha! Zing!
  • Japanese Female: Why co-eds always wear such short skirts? Nothing sexy about prying thighs from frozen park bench!
  • Japanese Female: Husband pacifist! Never in army! So why he always say he "going commando"?
  • Japanese Female: I would like to continue affair with kamikaze pilot Hideki-san, but just feel like relationship has no future...
  • Japanese Schoolgirl: Best thing about being eighteen years old? I be this age forever!
  • Japanese Schoolgirl: Maybe tomorrow I will eat something. Naaaah...
  • Japanese Schoolgirl: Tomorrow I wearing pants, dammit!
  • Secret Agent: Is the world ready for a gay super spy? I didn't think so. Back in the closet, Double-Oh-Pooftah!
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Die, you Astro bastard!
  • African-American Hippie: Cracker.
  • African-American Hippie: Dead honky.
  • African-American Hippie: Yeah, it's big.
  • African-American Hippie: Honky.

Prank calls


Bay City

  • Officer Johnson: Police headquarters, Officer Johnson.
  • Crypto: Hey! Why the long face?
  • Officer Johnson: What?

  • Officer Johnson: Police headquarters, Officer Johnson.
  • Crypto: I'm lookin' for Mr. Jass, first name Hugh.
  • Officer Johnson: Please call back when you have an original joke, sir.

  • Officer Johnson: Police Headquarters, Officer Johnson.
  • Crypto: Do you deliver?
  • Officer Johnson: Yes, but there's a two dollar surcharge... wait, what?

  • Officer Johnson: Police Headquarters, Officer Johnson.
  • Crypto: Yeah, I want to put down fifty large on the Niners?
  • Officer Johnson: I can cover that, sir.

  • Officer Johnson: Police Headquarters, Officer Johnson.
  • Crypto: What are you wearing?
  • Officer Johnson: Black polyester, sir. And I'm going commando.


  • Albion Policeman: Scotland Yard here. State your emergency.
  • Crypto: Is your fridge running?
  • Albion Policeman: So YOU'RE the bastard who shut off our electricity!

  • Albion Police Officer: Scotland Yard here, state your emergency.
  • Crypto: When do you...get off?
  • Albion Police Officer: 5 PM on the dot everyday! And that's when I finish work too!

  • Albion Policeman: Scotland Yard here. State your emergency.
  • Crypto: Ever hear of someone called Sherlock Holmes?
  • Albion Policeman: Why, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle! Good to hear from you!

  • Albion Policeman: Scotland Yard here. State your emergency.
  • Crypto: Inspector Freely, please?
  • Albion Policeman: There's no such officer here! And yes, I urinate with no obstructions whatsoever!

  • Albion Policeman: Scotland Yard here. State your emergency.
  • Crypto: May I speak to officer Michael Hunt?
  • Albion Policeman: What part of "T for Teen" don't you understand, sir?


  • Takoshima Police Woman: Moshi moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
  • Crypto: How many Takoshimese does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  • Takoshima Police Woman: Silly prank caller, we use neon!

  • Takoshima Police Woman: Moshi moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
  • Crypto: Do you like scary movies?
  • Takoshima Police Woman: Hai! You offering?

  • Takoshima Police Woman: Moshi moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
  • Crypto: I can save you two dollars per minute on your international and long-distance calls!
  • Takoshima Police Woman: We already on calling plan, sorry.

  • Takoshima Police Woman: Moshi moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
  • Crypto: Hello? Is this the Suicide Hotline? 'Cause I'm feelin' pretty incredibly depres-
  • Takoshima Police Woman: Please hold.

  • Takoshima Police Woman: Moshi moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
  • Crypto: [sound of heavy breathing]
  • Takoshima Police Woman: Boyfriend-san! Not while I at work! You make me have to take special trip to ladies' room!


  • Tunguska KGB Officer: KGB Headquarters. How may I directing your call?
  • Crypto: I'm looking for Schlodovodowisic Smirnoff.
  • Tunguska KGB Officer: He is not being here, may I be taking message?

  • Tunguska KGB Officer: KGB Headquarters. How may I directing your call?
  • Crypto: Hey, is your fridge running?
  • Tunguska KGB Officer: What is being fridge?

  • Tunguska KGB Officer: KGB Headquarters. How may I directing your call?
  • Crypto: Hey! I'm the guy you're looking for!
  • Tunguska KGB Officer: You are being such jerk, Ivan.

  • Tunguska KGB Officer: KGB Headquarters. How may I directing your call?
  • Crypto: Yeah, can I talk to Agent Meeov, first name Jack?
  • Tunguska KGB Officer: I am not knowing. Are you having lotion around?

  • Tunguska KGB Officer: KGB Headquarters. How may I directing your call?
  • Crypto: Is this information?
  • Tunguska KGB Officer: No this is disinformation. Please hold, I connect you.


  • KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Da - be pulling other one.

  • KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
  • Crypto: D'ja hear about the phone that worked on the moon, despite the fact there's no air?
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Shut upski.

  • KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
  • Crypto: Is your biodome runnin'?
  • KGB Cosmonaut: I am hearing this joke before...

  • KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
  • Crypto: Yeah, I ordered a pizza, like, seven million years ago!
  • KGB Cosmonaut: Is being on way comrade, driver is just leaving.

  • KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
  • Crypto: Yeah, can I speak to comrade Meeov, first name Jack?
  • KGB Cosmonaut: You are thinking I'm falling for that one?


Oranchov: Premier comrade Milenkov, comrade agents, thank you for coming. Here's what we know so far. [a slide show displaying the first game's events and its aftermath is shown] Ten years ago, the United States government covered up an invasion by an alien race known as Furons. Their primary agent was this Furon: Cryptosporidium-137; dangerous, unpredictable, and now deceased.
Milenkov: So, what is being problem?
Oranchov: The problem, comrade, is that Furons can clone themselves and pose convincingly as humans, and they've used these abilities to put Cryptosporidium-138 into the White House!
KGB Agents: [gasps] The American people are not noticing? [all laugh]
Oranchov: Da, right. Pull the other one. Even worse, this new Crypto clone contains pure Furon DNA harvested from human brains by Orthopox-13, mastermind of the invasion. He also bears a mysterious new mutation referred to only as 'the package'.
Milenkov, KGB Agents: Ooo!
Oranchov: These aliens pose a dire threat to the Soviet Union, comrades, and so... it must be... DESTROYED! As we speak, President Crypto is in Bay City, attending a youth cultural fest.
KGB Agent: And Orthopox?
Oranchov: Conducting experiments in the Furon mothership.
Oranchov: [a missile is shown heading for the mothership while Orthopox taunts a brain] Savages... degenerates! There's only one way to deal with such men.
Orthopox: [sees missile] What in the?!
Oranchov: Revolution. [mothership explodes]

Crypto: You expect me to beg, human?
KGB Agent: No, little Furon. I expect you to die.
(He pulls out his gun. In response, Crypto pulls out his own.)
Crypto: Mine's... bigger.

Pox: Crypto! The mothership has somehow been destroyed, and I've been blown to smithereens! Luckily I was able to download a copy of my exquisite mind into this "Holopox" unit, just before the ship exploded.
Crypto: Gee, that is lucky.

[About not having any guns]
Crypto: I didn't bring any with me. Figured, uh, heavy artillery ain't exactly the smoothest way to charm the jeans off a pacifist hippy chick.
Pox: Ooh, I knew it! I knew your unnatural interest in humans would bring us nothing but trouble!
Crypto: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're harshin' my buzz! Mellow out, Poxy.
Pox: Easy for you to say! You weren't blown to pieces just seconds before restoring your own genitalia!

Natalya: Crypto, thank Lenin you're here! The worst has come to pass, Sergei is infected!
Crypto: Aw, for cryin' out... Tell me you used protection! Or don't they teach sex-ed in the Young Pioneers?
Natalya: Kakaya zadnitza, I'm not talking about STDs! He's has been infected with alien spores!

Crypto: Okay, hippies, hand over Coyote Bongwater or I heat me up some hippie smores!
Prudence: WHOOOAA, we got ourselves a narc over here! Hey, narc, why don't you go back to narc central and nark around with all the other narcs, YOU NARC!
Crypto: Ouch... that hurts.
Prudence: Just the kind of answer I expected... from a narc!

Crypto: Ninjas again? Hello, it's 1969! What are ninjas doing in 1969?
Orthopox: Just go with it! Besides, who doesn't love ninjas?

Crypto: I shoulda known, the drugs, the alcohol, the loose chicks, it all fits! It's obvious those hippies we're trying to lure me in so I'd let my guard down! Nice try hippies, but I ain't just some low-life, I'M THE BEST! Don't worry, Pox, I'll wipe out those hippies for what they did to my guns, and you!
Orthopox: Don't worry, I highly doubt hippies had much to do with this.
Crypto: Oh... damn.

Crypto: [after accepting mission from KGB Agent] You got it Ivan, or Boris... it's one of those right?
KGB Agent: You are not being funny! Why must you be saying hurtful things? Go be killing Terry Squire, then returning, and apologizing!

Pox: The scriptures say Arkvoodle will return when enough people believe in his image.
Crypto: You mean like Tinkerbell?
Pox: Er... something like that.

Orthopox-13: Here we are, scene 1. I looked pretty good that day.
Crypto: You're a [bleep] hologram, you look like crap.
Orthopox-13: Crypto, watch your language you [bleep] [bleep]!

Orthopox-13: Hello, hello stupid humans. Are we on? [background talking] I'll go first. This is the great Furon leader, Orthopox, accompanied by...
Crypto: That was the big, fat, hot airbag, and this is Cryptosporidium.
Orthopox-13: ... Crypto, did you call me an airbag?
Crypto: Hot being the key word, baby, you're hot, hot!

White Ninja Leader: In the beginning, great ninja sensei wear grey, and his students wear grey.
Crypto: Yeah I saw the movie, old master dies, his students split and eventually oppose each other like black opposes white, am I right or am I right?
White Ninja Leader: Wrong, the guy stop selling grey fabric. We wanted to be black, but those bastards put their order in first!

White Ninja Leader: Sensei, tell us what to do. Show us a sign. Should we sacrifice evil temptress demon?
Crypto: Now what's all this crap about an demon temptress?
White Ninja Leader: We caught her stealing food from the, er...
Crypto: You kidnapped a women from the supermarket?
White Ninja: No! No! Of course not... well, yes, definitely. But you do it all the time, what about Miss Rockwell in first game?
Crypto: That's different!

Natalya Ivanova: What are the codes?
Crypto: Eye... Love... Ewe.
Natalya Ivanova: Not now Crypto, we have work to do. Tell me the security codes.
Crypto: Those are the codes. Also, who's on first, what's on second and I don't know's on third.

Astronaut Carl Armstrong: That's one small step for man... one giant leap for mankind.
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: That's it?
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: What?
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"? Seven months, and that's the best you could come up with?
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: What, you didn't like it?
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: NO, I didn't like it! It's CRAP! Where'd you find it, on a cereal box?
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: I thought it sounded profound!
Astronaut Biff Aldrin: Profound? You wouldn't know profound if it hit you over the head with a Camus novel! You think Merv Griffin's a deep thinker!
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: Listen, mister, I'm getting a little tired of your lip!
Astronaut Biff Aldring: Oh, yeah, Commander Big Shot? What are you gonna do about it?
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: Pull the plug on this mission, that's what! Sorry, Houston, but I just can't work another second with this jackass. Get in the car! GET IN THE CAR!
Astronaut Biff Aldring: ... Moron.
Astronaut Carl Armstrong: Putz.

[Before the Kojira Kaiju battle]
Crypto: Look, Pox, uh, explain this monster to me. The Ivans can't even make a decent wristwatch! How the hell'd they come up with the technology to turn a summer intern into THAT?!
Orthopox-13: I've been trying to figure that one out myself. And I keep coming to the same conclusion: they didn't.
Crypto: What are you suggesting?
Orthopox-13: I'm not sure, but there's more than good old-fashioned Russian "can-do" spirit at work here.
Crypto: You're tellin' me! Those people have all the initiative of a normal convention.

[Before the Kojira Kaiju battle]
Crypto: You figure out where that ginormous monster went?
Orthopox-13: Not for certain. But I'm picking up a signal in the ocean to the south.
Crypto: Yeah? What kind of signal?
Orthopox-13: A radiation signature, emanating in gamma waves from the creatures's tortured brain.
Crypto: Tortured?
Orthopox-13: Yes. It's as if the monster is crying out "Kill me, kill me!"
Crypto: ... That's gotta be the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. So you want me to hunt down this monstrosity and put it out of its misery?
Orthopox-13: Actually, I want you to read its mind and intuit the source of its congnitive dissonance, so we can get it some help and over time teach it confidence and self-esteem.
Crypto: ... You gotta be kidding me.
Crypto: Okay, okay! But how do I find it?
Orthopox-13: Do I have to...?! You get in your saucer and fly to the spot marked on your radar! Look for bubbles on the water; that's a pretty good sign there's a MONSTER!
Crypto: So then, what, I just drop some bad boys into the water and blow it up?
Orthopox-13: Unfortunately, no. Your saucer's weapons are ineffective underwater. You'll have to figure out some way to get the beast to surface first.
Crypto: And then I play a little "Whack-A-Lizard". Got it.

[During the Kojira Kaiju battle]
Orthopox: Crypto, let that creature have it with everything you got!
Crypto: Arkvoodle-dammit! What's the deal here, Pox?! The more stuff that thing knocks down, the more it regenerates!
Orthopox: Well it HAS to have a weakness somewhere! Find it and hit it hard! You don't want to lose the big one in front of your little ninja groupies, do you?

Crypto: Hey Pox, you ever noticed all those crates lying around... just ordinary crates... I mean if they were being used for anything I'd understand but... so many... crates.
Orthopox-13: I think they got the hint, Crypto.

Crypto: Hey Pox, you got a cushy job here. I do all the work, and you sit around eating bon-bons.
Orthopox-13: In case you hadn't noticed, Cryptosporidium... I have NO BODY!
Crypto: And "no body" cares about you! [laughs] Get it, Poxy?
Orthopox-13: I loathe you.

[During Crypto's speech while disguised as Leonid on Moonbase Solaris]
Cosmonaut 1: But Leonid, why we have to leaving beloved country and coming to this hellhole?
Cosmonaut 2: Da! Is being worse than Verkhoyansk in February!
Crypto: [disguised as Leonid] That's what I'm sayin'! No air, no chicks - THIS PLACE SUCKS! And it's all the Blisk's fault!

[During Crypto's speech while disguised as Leonid]
Cosmonaut 1: Why are we not being allowed in area north of here?
Cosmonaut 2: Da, what are you having to hide?
Crypto: Because Milenkov thinks you're too drunk and stupid to go over there without getting lost, that's why!
Cosmonaut 2: Drunk? Okay. But STUPID?! Why, that zhopa!
Cosmonaut 1: Da! We can no longer be trusting Premier Milenkov!
Crypto: Oh, it ain't just Milenkov, kids! The Blisk think you're a bunch of morons too!
Cosmonaut 2: Bliskeviks also?! But they're always telling us Soviet Union will be ruling world!
Cosmonaut 1: Da, Leonid! What evidence are you having to mistrust Bliskeviks?
Cosmonaut 1: Tsssk... I am thinking Comrade Cosmonaut Leonid is drinking too much Revelade.
Cosmonaut 2: Tut, tut. Comrade Leonid is perhaps watching too much American television.
Cosmonaut 2: Hmm, tssk... we are seeing long term psychological effects of space travel. Poor Leonid.
Cosmonaut 1: [gasp] This... this is being outrage! Anything else can be endured if we are having vodka!
Cosmonaut 2: Da! Without vodka, Russia would have been democracy 200 years ago!
Cosmonaut 1: This will not be standing! There is being no such thing as free lunch, Bliskeviks!
Crypto: Yeah! Give me vodka, or give me death!
Cosmonaut 1: Da!
Crypto: Yeah! So what does this mean for the Bliskeviks?!
Cosmonaut 2: Bad news for the Bliskeviks!
Crypto: That's the spirit! Now get out there, find the Blisk and KILL THEM CRABBIES DEAD!
Cosmonaut 2: FOR VODKA!

Crypto:: Sooo, modern art, huh? Jackson Pollock pees on a canvas and sells it for fifty grand? I don't get it.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Ha! ... Oh, you're serious? Well, I suppose it takes something of an educated eye to make sense of it.
Crypto: "Educated eye"? What a crock! I don't need a Master's in Art History to know what I like!
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: No, of course not. But as modern art has become more abstracted, it helps to understand the conceptual framework the artist had in mind.
Crypto: You realize the player's in the kitchen makin' nachos at this point, right?
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Well, you did that whole Blue Rider thing in the first game, I-I just thought perhaps--
Crypto: I know, I know. Lead balloon city, what are ya gonna do?

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Now tell me all the good things you remember about your mother.
Crypto: You mean, you're not my mother? Or are you?

Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: We know you have it! Tell us where it is or it's the Ludivico treatment for you. Eyelids peeled back, excruciating torture, endless hours of Ludwig Van!
Crypto: Oh God! Not Beethoven! ANYTHING BUT BEETHOVEN!

Crypto: I bet I could tell you that I'm an alien from the Planet Furon, here to harvest your brain stems, and you wouldn't even care...
British Hippie: Cool, do it! At least that will take care of my headache!

Crypto: So, you me, jacuzzi, chocolate syrup... what do you say?
Natalya Ivanova: I'm allergic to chocolate.
Crypto: No kidding... that's gotta suck.
Natalya Ivanova: Eh, Soviet chocolate tastes like mud anyway. And I have to fit into this outfit.
Crypto: And on behalf of oversexed aliens everywhere, let me just say thank you.

Coyote Bongwater: [when he first sees Crypto] Aaah! Goddamn flashbacks!
Crypto: Guess again, sunshine. Nice setup you got here. Guns, drugs, bra-burning hippie chicks; a man after my own heart... if I had one.

Crypto: For God's sake, Pox, the name of the game is "Destroy All Humans!", not "play some record and keep the kids off drugs".
Pox: Do you think you might be able to, maybe, for the next thirty seconds... CONCENTRATE?!

Crypto: Hey, Nat, if I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto, I like you, but I will neuter you if I have to.
Crypto: Fair enough.

Dr. Orlov: Excellent hand-eye coordination. You should try new game I am developing on computer in spare time.
Crypto: Games? On a computer? You're wasting your time, doc.

Crypto: [disguised as a hippie] So I kill the Sergeant but avoid the crates... hey, wait a minute... ain't I a pacifist?
KGB Agent: Once you are returning all the crates, we will be paying you the agreed upon fee.
Crypto: Ah, the sweet smell of political ideals being compromised.

Orthopox-13: And why don't you... torture some hippies?
Crypto: For information?
Orthopox-13: No, for prosperity. Of course for information, you dolt! Now get out there and cause some trouble!

Crypto: Hey Poxy, what's it like being one of the floating dead?
Orthopox-13: It's quite peaceful actually. No distractions, certainly no violence or destruction... Frankly, it's boring the phlegm off me! I hate it! I WANT A NEW CLONE BODY! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Crypto: I almost feel sorry for the poor guy. Almost.

Crypto: I think I hear Arkvoodle calling for a sacrifice right now.
Shama Llama: I don't hear anything, and I am listening with my third ear.
Crypto: What's that, Arkvoodle? You want a monkey burger? One monkey burger coming right up.
Shama Llama: Oh, that calling. I hear that quite clearly.

Crypto: Pox, we got a situation. Bongwater must be drinkin' his own product - The Freak says he's plannin' to fumigate Bay City with giant blimps full of Revelade gas!
Orthopox-13: Great galaxies! That's so moronic it just might work!

Orthopox-13: Crypto, what if it's true? What if you're... The One?
Crypto: Hm, I did take a red pill this morning...

Orthopox-13: Crypto! You need to increase the intensity of those radar emissions! Perhaps if you cross the beams... Oh, no, wait, that would be bad.
Crypto: I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing.
Orthopox-13: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously. Every molecule in your body in your body exploding at the speed of light. Total protonic reversal.
Crypto: Right, that's bad, got it.
Orthopox-13: No, no, there's no use for it. We're just going to have to take the risk! Do it, Crypto! Cross the beams! Cross them for all you're worth!
Crypto: You asked for it!

[Encountering the Blisk for the first time]
Crypto: Hold the phone, what do these freaks want?
Orthopox-13: Wait a minute... Now that I think of it, that machinery looks suspiciously familiar... Oh my-- HOLY HOOKERS OF ARKVOODLE! Crypto! Do you know who these "freaks" are?!
Crypto: They're not Commie cabbageheads?
Orthopox-13: Great galaxies, no! They're not even human! They're the enemy - OUR enemy! The enemy we Furons defeated in the Martian War! Crypto... THEY'RE BLISK!
Crypto: Blisk?! Wait a minute, I thought we wiped the Blisk out!
Orthopox-13: I have no explanation; I can barely believe my sensors! But a few of them must have somehow survived!
Crypto: Not for long. Attention, Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon! This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire, and your asses belong to ME!

Crypto: You gotta fill me in on this whole "Blisk" thing, Pox.
Orthopox-13: My-- My hardrive is spinning, I hardly know where to begin! They're huge, hideous brutes with giant claws and withering halitosis! They have a single hive mind, and an imperviousness to radiation; they take to it like a pig to mud! Imagine a cockroach mating with a lobster!
Crypto: Oi! Enough already, you're makin' me queasy.
Orthopox-13: Humans assume the Tunguska blast of 1908 was caused by a meteorite. But now we know its true cause: the fiery crash of a Blisk warship!
Crypto: Listen, I skipped most of military history. How'd that war get started anyway?
Orthopox-13: Millenia ago, Mars was an ocean world, and the Blisk ruled an underwater paradise. Frankly, they were more than a little cocky about it. The war was long and bitter, but in the end we reduced their world to desert and wiped them out!... Or so we thought. We obliterated most of their warships, though one we could not account for. We assumed it had been destroyed, but it must have been merely disabled, and drifted helplessly through space until it crash-landed here on Earth.
Crypto: And I'm guessin' the Crabbies ain't the forgivin' type?
Orthopox-13: After what we did to them? Not bloody likely!
Crypto: Yeah, well, don't you worry your virtual little head, Pox. This time, they're goin' down for good!
Orthopox-13: A bold statement. Many Furons fell thanks to the Blisk. And there's another problem: since the war, the Furon defense budget has been... downsized. I fear that most of our current weapons will be ineffective against the Blisk.
Crypto: Downsized the defense budget?! What the hell'd the Emperor do that for?!
Orthopox-13: The Blisk were exterminated. No one else posed such a lethal threat. We didn't need the big guns! But none of us saw this coming.
Crypto: Okay, well, at least we know what we're up against. Whaddaya want me to do?
Orthopox-13: I'll contact you with new orders as soon as I have some idea of what's going on. Until then, just... don't do anything rash.
Crypto: Rash? Me? Nah, I got a cream for that; cleared it right up!

Crypto: What do we know about the Blisk, aside from they're ugly as sin?
Orthopox-13: They are indeed a most repulsive race, and incredibly vicious. Furthermore, they treat their workers very badly and have offensively short tempers.
Crypto: Any resemblance to present company is completely coincidental.

Crypto: [about to destroy the Blisk superweapon] Do the dishes, protect the Earth, save the Furon DNA, got it. Man, whatever happened to destroying all humans?
Orthopox-13: Let this be a lesson to you, Crypto: the best laid plans can be derailed by an unexpected case of the Crabs! Now, GO!

Takoshamise Police Officer: Moshi Moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
Crypto: We got him.
Takoshamise Police Officer: Super happy fun defense!

Crypto: Hey Pox, it just occurred to me - who's running the country while I've been away? Hasn't anyone noticed the President missing?
Pox: Well, you never did spend much time at the oval office anyway, so I installed a limited mechanism to keep the humans alive while you were away.
Crypto: What kind of mechanism?
Pox: Oh, just a limited functional machine. It smiles, waves, occasionally spouts inspiring patriotic speeches about world peace and other such nonsense.
Crypto: Heh, guess the monkeys wouldn't know the difference.
Pox: Actually, your approval rating has tripled since I made the switch.

Crypto: Okay, run me through this again.
The Freak: Through what?
Crypto: About the blimps.
The Freak: What blimps?
Crypto: Coyote Bongwater's blimps! He's gonna use them to gas Bay City with Revelade!
Crypto: Yes! You just said all of this!
The Freak: Said what?
Crypto: What do you mean "said what"? You just told me that... [sighs] See, kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.

Milenkov: Hello, Cryptosporidium.
Crypto: Milenkov. Sorry to rain on your Communist Party, but in case you haven't noticed, your little base looks like Keith Moon redecorated! You've lost.
Milenkov: Such bluster, such arrogance. You're beginning to sound like real American. Soon you'll be wearing cowboy hat and speaking in monosyllables!
Crypto: Says you!

Crypto: Get this through your monkey brain, Milenkov: we own that planet! And there's not a damn thing you or your Russkie pals can do about it!
Milenkov: [laughing] Such bluster, such overconfidence, yet still you can't see the big picture! I wonder, would you feel so arrogant if you knew the full scope of our... FIENDISH MASTER PLAN?!

Crypto: Milly, I'm gonna probe you so hard, you're gonna be wearin' diapers for a month!
Milenkov: I already take a weekly high colonic, but thank you for the offer. On the other hand, I wonder - would you be so bold if you knew our... DEVILISH MASTER PLAN?!

Crypto: You two-bit, tinhorn petty tyrant! I fart bigger than you! You think just because you can keep a few depressed peasants in line, you can go toe-to-toe with me?! I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! THE MASTER OF DISASTER! THE BADDEST DUDE IN THE WHOLE DAMN TOWN! KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME!
Milenkov: King Kong died, Cryptosporidium. I wonder, would you be so sure of yourself if you knew our... FIENDISH MASTER PLAN?!

[After Milenkov repeatedly boasts about his "master plan"]
Crypto: Geez, you guys just gotta have your monologues, don't you? Okay, I give. What's your damn master plan? Lemme guess - you and the Blisk are gonna spread those spores and enslave humanity. Commies and Crabbies - a match made in heaven.
Milenkov: [chuckling] Small minds, no imagination. It's nothing so mundane. We don't give a damn about humanity, Cryptosporidium! What we want from Earth is the same thing you want: survival.
Crypto: So the Crabbies want a new crib. What's wrong with Mars?
Milenkov: Mars is a desert! An acid wasteland! You Furons saw to that! But Earth - Earth is three fifths water. All it lacks is massive radioactivity - to become a new Eden. An irradiated ocean paradise for Blisk!
Crypto: But what about the Russians? Your people can't live in that.
Milenkov: "My people"?! [laughs] Oh, you really aren't very bright, are you? Why do you think we've waged Cold War? Encouraged the buildup of nuclear arms? Good God, what sane human would pursue such obvious suicide? 1908: Blisk warship crashes. 1917: October Revolution. Do the math! You of all creatures should know - aliens walk among us, da?
Crypto: You're not suggesting...?!
Milenkov: Suggesting? I'm telling you! Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev...
Crypto: Trotsky?!
Milenkov: Please, don't be ridiculous. It helped that Russian is so close to Bliskish - no coincidence, of course. The Furons aren't the only race who ever used Earth for "shore leave". Face it, Cryptosporidium - you Furons have been out-schemed! The history of the Soviet Union IS the history of Blisk on Earth! The loss of our spores is a blow, but in the end it makes no difference! SOON, EARTH WILL BE OURS! NO MORE HUMANS! NO MORE FURON DNA! And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it! Lestrovya, Cryptosporidium.

Shama Llama: [seeing Crypto] I'm sorry, do I know you?
Crypto: Shama, it's me! You know, your benevolent yet sociopathic alien overlord!
Shama Llama: Oh, yes, the small green toddler! I forget your name. Do you have an appointment?
Crypto: I need an appointment to speak to an indigent hippie from Bay City with a crappy Indian accent. Not to mention whose ass, need I remind you, I literally dragged out of the gutter!
Shama Llama: And yet now it is I who am face of the Arkvoodle cult! Coincidence? I don't think so!
Crypto: Yeah, well, I just voided your contract. You're about to make the ultimate sacrifice!
Shama Llama: Arkvoodle will protect me!
Crypto: I wouldn't hold my breath.
[Crypto and Shama proceed to fight]
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