HBO Comedy Half-Hour: Dave Chappelle (1998)Edit
- My house got robbed in New York. I didn't even call the police. I wanted to, but I couldn't. My crib is too nice. It's not that it's too nice, but it's too nice for me. You know how the police are in New York. Soon as I open the door, they'll be like, "He's still here! Open and shut case, Johnson. Apparently this black guy broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere. Never seen anything like it."
- I don't even know why people do crime. They want to catch you, they're gonna catch you. They can. They got forensics. You ever seen forensics? Those guys find clues nobody else thinks about looking for. I mean it. You leave a pubic hair anywhere near a crime scene, they're gonna find that shit.
- Is it me, or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore? You dig? I don't even know what a fucking commercial is about until the end. Every one is a surprise nowadays. You seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye? This lady comes on TV with a black eye, she's crying, she's like, "I smoke crack. And my husband beats me." And then a voice came on and said, "Got milk?"
- I was at a party. Some guy gave me some shit. He's like, "Here, man. Take this. It's fucking mushrooms." I took it, I forgot all about it, you know. Then a couple days later I found that shit in my pocket. I'm thinking, "why not?" 'Cuz I'm thinking it's like weed. Some background shit. I planned my whole day out like it was weed. "I'll chew this shit up, then I'll go to the barbershop, get my hair cut and then I'll see a movie." I chewed it up. So far, so good. Then I was in the barbershop, like an hour later. And it's funny, 'cuz I was just thinking to myself, like, "Ooh, this stuff sucks. Tastes like athlete's foot. I feel sick, but I'm not really high." Then I looked in the mirror. I saw the barber's reflection. Man, it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair.
- If you're an American, you're a racist. We're brought up from the beginning to think in generalizations. We never look at the individual. We rarely look at the individual. I'm a racist. I know I'm a racist. You know how I know? 'Cuz the other day I caught myself being racist against myself. There's so much shit going on, I got mixed up. Forgot whose team I was on and shit.
Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly (2000)Edit
- A black man would never dream of talking to the police high. That's a waste of weed. I'm serious. I mean, I'd be scared to talk to the police when I'm sleepy.
- Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? That shit is wild shit. It's some wild shit. I mean, like, I was with my nephew. We sittin' there, we watchin' Pepé Le Pew. And I say to my nephew, I say, "Now pay attention to this guy, 'cuz he's funny. I used to watch him when I was little." And we watchin' Pepé Le Pew and I'm like, "Oh, man, what kind of fucking rapist is this guy? Like, take it easy, Pepé." My nephew was sittin' there crackin' up. "Heh, see, sometimes you gotta take the pussy like Pepé!" I was like, "No!" I had to turn the channel real quick. I turned it on Sesame Street. I said, "Oh, phew. Sesame Street. This is much better 'cuz now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. They got a character on there named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he, kids?" "Yeah Oscar, you're a grouch!" He's like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street. Nobody's helping me." Then you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people. "Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch."
- White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ever ask a white guy who's he voting for, like, "Hey, Bob, uh, Bob, who you gonna vote for?" "Dave! Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy now. Take it easy. So anyway, um, I was fucking my wife in her ass, right? And I mean, it was something else." "Yeah, yeah, but who are you voting for?" "Dave! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife, and you're asking me all these personal questions."
- Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Jr., but I don't know George Bush Jr.'s politics. Only thing I know about George Bush Jr. is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right. Now, listen, we cannot have that shit in the White House. That might be fine for a mayor, but goddammit, not in the White House! Not in the White House. Mmm-mm. Know what I'm saying? The stakes are too high in the white house. Can't have no cokehead president, mmm-mm. He'd be selling nuclear secrets for twenty, thirty dollars and shit.
- Chivalry is dead, and women killed it. ... Chivalry got killed by the feminist movement on them magazines that got women going crazy, because women got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. It's true. I see this shit in the magazines, I don't read them but I be seeing the cover, I'll be in the grocery store, fellas look at one of them magazines like, "What is this?" And it says on the cover: "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Get out of here, man, come on. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much and that nigga gonna be happy!
Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth (2004)Edit
- I had a crackhead break my car window one time, broke it. You know what he stole? A fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat. That's all he took. A goddamn candy bar. I was so mad, I drove around the neighborhood for five hours, looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face. I did that. I finally found him, I grabbed that motherfucker and said, "Hey man! What's all this chocolate on your face, motherfucker?" He looked confused. "Chocolate? This is doo-doo, baby!"
- "Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, are you an Indian?" And he was cool. "Yes. Yes, I'm an Indian." Still didn't believe him. I had to test him to be sure. This is fucked up, but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket, so I balled that shit up and I threw it on the floor. And a single tear came out of his eye. I said "oh, shit!" I had so many questions.
- I know what you drink. See how quiet it got? Grape juice. Surprise, motherfuckers! You didn’t know I knew about grape juice, did you? Oh, don't play dumb with me. Like, "ah, what is it?" A lot of black people don’t have the privilege of knowing about grape juice, because they have grape drink. It's not the same formula that you get. Ain't no vitamins in that shit. You might have one of your black friends over: "Todd, Todd, would you care for a glass of grape juice?" "What? Nigga, what the fuck is juice? I want some grape drink, baby. Mmm. It’s purple." "I don't think I know what 'grape drink' is." "What?" "I have some apple juice, if you want." "What the fuck is juice? I want some apple drink. It's green." Remember that commercial for Sunny Delight when all the kids run in from outside playing and they all run to the fridge? "All right, I got some purple stuff, some Sunny D..." As soon as they say "Sunny D," all the kids go, "Yeah!" Watch the black kid in the back. If you ever see that commercial again, look at that black kid. He be like, "I want that purple stuff." That's drink, nigga, that is drink. They want drink. They don't want all them vitamins, man. They want drink. Sugar, water, purple. That's the ingredients: sugar, water and of course, purple.
- I went to Disney World with my kids, which is a big deal for me. I don't get to see my kids so much. I do Chappelle's Show twenty hours a day, sleep for like, half an hour, raise my kids for ten, twenty minutes, and then I go back to work. Now, this particular day, I got to hook up the kids, we went to Disney World. Everybody at the park, fucking everybody, was like "Hey! Hey! I'm Rick James, bitch! Hey, I'm Rick James, bitch." It's like, "Hey man, hey, you mind not calling me a bitch in front of my kids? Time out, motherfucker. Can we take a day off?" Even Mickey Mouse did it. I said, "this is the most unprofessional shit I have ever seen in my life." I was fed up. I caught that motherfucker with an uppercut. Bop! Knocked his head clean off. Everybody was screaming. "Oh my god, oh my god! Mickey Mouse is Mexican!"
- Stop worshipping celebrities so much. Just don't listen, don't pay attention. I remember, right around September 11th, Ja Rule was on MTV. That's what they said, they said "We got Ja Rule on the phone. Let's see what Ja's thoughts are on this tragedy." Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks at a time like this, nigga, this is ridiculous. I don't want to dance, I'm scared to death. I want some answers that Ja Rule might not have right now. You think when bad shit happens to me, I'll be in the crib like, "Oh my god, this is terrible. Could somebody please find Ja Rule, get ahold of this motherfucker, so I can make sense of all this? Where is Ja?"
Deep in the Heart of Texas: Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Limits (2017)Edit
- You know, I was in Santa Fe the other night, and a motherfucker threw a banana peel at me. Yeah, that didn't feel so good. Of course, it was a white person. Not to indict the whites, I'm just saying. Not to profile. And then, not only did he throw a banana peel at me, but, uh, it was premeditated. You could tell. You could tell, the peel was too brown. You know what I mean? You didn't eat that banana recently, motherfucker. You had that shit waiting on me.
- Ebola was in Texas. Ebola made a visit. Killed that man in Dallas. Five days, that man melted to death. What happened to the brother in Dallas? "Where was the secret serum?" is what we all said. I remember in the beginning of Ebola, there were two American doctors that got sick in Africa. They flew them in a private jet straight to Atlanta, to the CDC. I didn't even know CDC saw patients. There, it was said, they administered what The New York Times called "a secret serum." I don't know what's in it. It's just like Colonel Sanders' recipe. But both of these motherfuckers survived. These doctors, thank god, are healthy. They are out there somewhere tonight, at Whole Foods, touching vegetables, walking around. Everything's okay. "Hey, Frank. How are you?" "Oh you didn't hear? I had Ebola last week. But uh, I'm doing alright now. I was bleeding out of my eyes and anus, so I got concerned, but I'm okay." What happened to the brother in Dallas? They just rubbed some vicks on that nigga's chest. "Good luck, little buddy."
- Remember Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network? If you know anything about show business, it is really hard to get fired from the fucking Food Network. And they dropped that bitch like a hot potato. All because she called somebody an N-word thirty years before she had a show. I don't know who she said it to, but whoever it was was just looking at her like, "I'm gonna get you for this, bitch." That shit came back thirty years later like a Bill Cosby rape and sunk her battleship. And every black person was mad, but we weren't, like, that mad. It was more confusing than it was infuriating. I was just like, "well, how is this bitch gonna call me a nigger when she taught me how to fry chicken? That's not fair."
- Name-calling does not break the modern black man. That's not gonna do the trick. I don't give a fuck about that. Like, if I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and for some reason, everyone behind the counter had a Ku Klux Klan hood on top of their head, what do you think I'm gonna do in this day and age? Run out of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Not if I'm hungry. I'll go straight to the front. "Hey, man. Let me get a two-piece." I don't give a fuck what he says. "You want a biscuit with that, nigger?" "I thought it came with a biscuit. What's all this attitude? I want a two-piece. Chop, chop. You know what it is." But I'm not gonna be mad. Why would I be mad? He's the one that's gotta work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me.
- I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home from the road. There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it. I don't know who delivered it. And there was a videocassette inside, with a note written on it that said "Gotcha." Oh, my god. Can you imagine? I freaked out. I tore the whole house apart, trying to find a VCR. I hadn't seen a tape in, like, over a decade.
The Age of Spin: Dave Chappelle Live at the Hollywood Palladium (2017)Edit
- Everybody's mad at police now. I watched that - you see that shit on Netflix, Making a Murderer? The Steven Avery story? Yeah well if you haven't seen it, check it out. Steven Avery is in more trouble than any white person in the history of the United States has ever been in. In a justice system designed for him to thrive, he's failed miserably twice. I can't even wrap my mind about it. If Making a Murderer was about a black dude, that shit would be called "Duh!" Of course everything would go wrong.
- There's a few reasons you don't see black people at my shows. One is because, obviously, black people have slower internet connections. I mean, that would be my guess. I don't know.
- When you hear somebody call you "brother" too much, something terrible is about to happen. "Excuse me, brother. Brother?" And then I looked back, and the motherfucker had a tuxedo with the kente cloth tie. I said, "uh oh." He said, "I just want to ask you a couple questions." I said, "What publication are you with?" He said, "Me? I'm with The Daily Bongo." I said, "Daily Bongo? What the fuck? Who the fuck reads this?" He said, "Listen, brother, I just want to ask you a quick question. You understand that this year, this is a boycott for the Oscars. So I'm just wondering what made you, of all people, cross the motherfucking picket line and be here tonight?" I said, "Boycott? Nigga I haven't been working in ten years. What do you mean, boycott? I've been on strike, y'all niggas didn't stop working. I had to watch fucking Key and Peele do my show every night!"
- My wife is Asian. She's Filipino. Alright, well, okay, so that explains it. Now you know why you see me at all those Filipino events. I'm not there picking up pussy, I'm dropping some off.
- The fourth time I met OJ Simpson. The fourth time is not the funniest time, but it was the last time I'd see The Juice. For some reason, I was at the Kentucky Derby. It's a very long story. This is right after I quit Chappelle's Show in spectacular fashion. There was a party hosted by Michael Jordan, and every athlete I'd ever admired was in that room. Yes. And then I saw a familiar face by the bar, standing there, drinking alone. It was Chris Tucker. Now, you have to remember, at this time, we were both technically missing. And we went over and we're talking with one another, and motherfuckers were amazed to see us together. Seeing me and Chris Tucker at that point would be like seeing Bigfoot riding a unicorn. You wouldn't believe that's what you were seeing. And then, through all the gawkers, a familiar face pushed through the crowd. Here he was again. The Juice. He had his camera ready, he was like, "Dave, Chris. Good to see you guys. Hey, come on guys, let's all get together for a picture." And at the same time, me and Chris were like, "No. I can't do that. Sorry, Juice, my career is too flimsy to survive a picture with you."
Dave Chappelle: Equanimity (2017)Edit
- My parents did just well enough so that I could grow up poor around white people. To be honest, when Nas and them talk about the projects, nigga, I used to get jealous. Because it sounded fun. Everybody in the projects was poor, and that's fair. But if you were poor in Silver Spring, nigga, it felt like it was only happening to you. Nas does not know the pain of that first sleepover at a white friend's house. You'd come back home on Sunday and just look at your parents like, "Y'all need to step your game up. Everything in Timmy's house works."
- My oldest son ... let me tell you, this kid is only sixteen years old, listen to what he did to me. This motherfucker calls me up in the middle of the night, it was one o'clock in the morning. He goes, "Dad, don't be mad." I knew something was terribly wrong. I said, "What's going on?" He said, "Listen, I'm fine. And don't forget, you told me to do this. I'm at a party, and my designated driver had too much to drink. Me and my friends need you to come pick us up." I said, "Jesus Christ, it's one o'clock in the morning, nigga. I am shitfaced." But then I figured, fuck, it's better me than some kid. I might as well roll the dice and go pick my nigga up. I said, "Alright, I'm coming to get you. Just give me the address and I'll be right there." And then he gave me the address, and I was - I was shocked. I said, "Son, you are not gonna believe this, but I'm at the same party, nigga."
Dave Chappelle: The Bird Revelation (2017)Edit
"now we got us a secret, bitch"
Dave Chappelle's Block Party (2005)Edit
- Never in a million years will you hear somebody on the radio say "I'm up for runnin' up on them crackers in city hall."
- About Dead Prez
Inside the Actor's Studio (2006)Edit
From Episode 11 from Season 12 of "Inside the Actor's Studio", aired on February 12, 2006.
- The worst thing to call somebody is "crazy". It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person, so they're crazy." That's bullshit. 'Cuz people are not crazy. They're strong people. Maybe the environment is a little sick.
- The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
- You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.
Saturday Night Live (2016)Edit
- There's more shootings than I can literally count. You can't even go to the goddamn zoo without seeing a shooting nowadays. They shot a gorilla at my local zoo. And the Cincinnati police said, "Shooting that gorilla was the toughest decision this department ever had to make." I said, "Well, you're about to see a lot of niggas in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati."