Daria (season 2)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main | Films: Is It Fall Yet? / Is It College Yet?

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Daria is an American animated sitcom created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn for MTV. The series focuses on Daria Morgendorffer, a smart, acerbic, and somewhat misanthropic teenage girl who observes the world around her.

Arts 'n' Crass [2.01]

[in the hallway, Daria and Jane stand in front of their poster]

Jane: All clear?

Daria: Just about.

Jane: [sees Jodie walking towards them] Wait.

Jodie: [walking up] What are you guys doing here?

Daria: Observing.

Jane: Innocently.

Jodie: I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster. Wait a minute...what are you guys planning?

Daria: Get lost Landon.

Jane: It's for your own good.

Daria: You got a bright future kid.

Jane: You don't want to be here when what's going to go down goes down.

---

Ms. Li: Hello, Mrs. Morgendorffer, this is Angela Li, principal of Lawndale High.

Helen: Yes, Ms. Li, how may I help you?

Ms. Li: [over the telephone] Mrs. Morgendorfer, I'm afraid I have some rather bad news. Your daughter Daria appears to have been involved in an act of vandalism.

Helen: What?

Ms. Li: Mrs. Morgendoffer, your daughter collaborated with Jane Lane in the creation of a poster for our art contest.

Helen: Yes, I'm aware of that.

Ms. Li: We found part of the poster unacceptable. So it was altered prior to it's entry. Unfortunatley someone defaced the poster while it was on display and since your daughter and Miss Lane were objecting to changing it, I must assume that they were the vandals. I'm going to have to take drastic action.

Helen: Wait a moment. You're saying the girls were against changing the poster but entered it into the contest anyway?

Ms. Li: It was entered for them.

Helen: I was under the impression that participation in this contest was voluntary.

Ms. Li: Yes, but your daughter refused to volunteer, so in her case I made it mandatory.

Helen: All right, Ms. Li, let me make sure I have this straight. You took my daughter's poster from her, altered its content, exhibited it against her will, and are now threatening discipline because you claim she defaced her own property, which you admit to stealing?

Ms. Li: [flustered] That's not what I said at all!

Helen: Ms. Li, are you familiar with the phrase "violation of civil liberties"?

Ms. Li: I...

Helen: And the phrase "big fat lawsuit"?

The Daria Hunter [2.02]

Quinn: I mean, just because you dump a guy for his older, cuter brother, does that give him the right to hold a grudge?

Stacy: That's so immature.

Tiffany: You know, if I knew we were going to be running around in the dirt, I wouldn't have worn my good sneakers.

Jodie: Will you quiet down? I think I see something. [leaves]

Stacy: Hey Quinn, is that your cousin? [Points her finger at Sandi]

Sandi: [Quinn fires the paintballs at Sandi] Ow!

Tiffany: Way to go, Quinn!

Stacy: Our leader!

[Sandi fires paintballs at both Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany]

Tiffany: Hey! I just bought this!

[All of them fire at each other until they give up where Sandi takes off the helmet and the goggles]

Quinn: Sandi? What are you doing here?

Sandi: I was looking for the bathroom and all of a sudden you started shooting at me. I thought we promised not to do that!

Quinn: I would never fire at you, Sandi. I didn't recognize you with your goggles.

Tiffany: Yeah, why are you wearing them, anyway? They're so ugly.

Sandi: Because those are the rules.

Quinn: Well, some rules were meant to be broken, like wearing red lipstick with an orange top.

Stacy: Or black mascara with blond hair.

Quinn: Besides, you fired on us when you were already hit, and that's against the rules, too.

Tiffany: Yeah.

Sandi: Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side, maybe Quinn should be president of the Fashion Club.

Quinn: Don't be silly. I would never try to be president, as long as you were around.

Sandi: Really?

Quinn: Sure. I mean, do you really think I could replace you?

---

Ms. Li: I'm glad to see you take such an interest in your daughters, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Helen: Well, it isn't easy raising two teenagers all by yourself... with Jake.

Ms. Li: Of course, I like to think the school environment also plays a pivotal role.

Helen: Absolutely. Although it would be nice if the students got a little more encouragement. Maybe a bright kid like Daria would have a better attitude. [Ms. Li laughs] Did I say something funny?

Ms. Li: With all due respect, I can't think of a prison that could create an attitude like your daughter's, much less a school. No, I always assumed that came from interaction with her parents, or lack of it.

Helen: Oh, so you draw a distinction between prison and school. Because from what I've heard, you run the one pretty much like the other.

Ms. Li: I don't have to listen to this!

Helen: No, you don't!

Ms. Li: And by the way, you look 50!

Quinn the Brain [2.03]

Jake: Hey! It's my daughter the genius.

Helen: Our own academic achiever.

Jake: We're all so proud of you. Aren't we, Daria?

Daria: Sure, if you mean proud as in "stunned."

Quinn: Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I could ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get, like, a little present.

Helen: Now, Quinn, I really think...

Jake: [Interrupts] I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You got an A, you should be rewarded. Here you go!

Quinn: Thanks, dad.

Daria: Wait, isn't that a double standard?

Jake: Huh?

Daria: You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?

Jake: Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward; It's a motivational thing.

Daria: But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?

Helen: Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?

Jake: I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.

Quinn: Hey!

Jake: And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort.

Daria: But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time, perhaps with compound interest?

Jake: [passes his wallet] Here, just take it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!

---

Jane: Listen to this. "Like a hamster on one of those wheel things, school runs us around and around until we yearn for the food pellet. But only more homework awaits." You know, it's like she read my mind.

Daria: Right after you suffered a severe blow to the head.

Quinn: [comes in] Could you put that away? They're everywhere.

Daria: What are you doing here? Bomb scare at your table?

Quinn: Keep it down, okay? I'm trying to keep a low profile since the paper came out.

Daria: Lucky for you, the Pulitzer committee has already finished eating.

Jane: They had the meatloaf.

Daria: You must be very excited about what people are calling you.

Quinn: What?

Jane: Brains Morgendorffer.

Quinn: Come on, because of one little essay?

Daria: It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future.

[Gestures to a table of geeks, one of whom is blowing milk out of his nose and making everybody else laugh]

Quinn: Ew!

Jane: Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate tournament.

Quinn: What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me!

Daria: Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club.

Quinn: Maybe I can steal all the newspapers before anyone else reads them.

Daria: Hey, wait a minute, "Brains." You don't even have lunch this period, do you?

Quinn: Of course not! I cut Science so I can talk to you. You think I'd sit with you while my grade is at lunch?

Daria: About that being mistaken for a brain thing? I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I Don't [2.04]

Amy: [giving her car keys to the valet] I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead man.

Rita: Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming.

Amy: I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day.

Rita: Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?

Amy: Out loud? So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger. How's the skydiving going?

Helen: Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.

Rita: Oh. Sorry Paul. How do you do?

Paul: Who's Roger?

Quinn: He fell onto a cow.

Paul: Ick!

Daria: And he was one of the lucky ones.

Helen: Girls!

Amy: Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it? I like the way you think, Daria.

Rita: Now, Amy, I don't know where we're going to seat you... [leads Amy into building]

Helen: I need a drink. [Jake laughs] Why are you laughing? [Jake's laughter dies as he follows Helen inside]

Quinn: Wow, Aunt Amy's really weird.

Daria: Yeah.

[dark clouds roll in, thunder rumbles]

---

[in the bathroom]

Amy: Hmm. I thought when I hit thirty I would stop feeling out of place at these things.

Daria: You feel out of place?

Amy: You didn't notice my sisters are so busy competing with each other that I don't even register on their radar?

Daria: Yeah, but I just figured you were above all that. I mean, you're kind of...

Amy: Cool?

Daria: Um...

Amy: I know, you can't say that to me. Law of the teenagers.

Daria: Thank you for respecting it.

Amy: When I was a kid, with Helen and Rita going at it all the time, all they left for me to do was to supply the color commentary. Then, one day, I found myself all grown up with my own point of view, and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's B.S. Ever.

Daria: So it actually worked out pretty well.

Amy: Unless I have to see my sisters at a wedding, yeah. Sarcasm. It's a great way to deal. [puts on round glasses similar to Daria's] But, you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Daria: [smirks] Nah.

That Was Then, This Is Dumb [2.05]

Quinn: Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those... yuppies!

Daria: Yuppies are from the '80s.

Quinn: So what do you call people in funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?

Daria: Trekkies.

---

[Jesse and Trent try to wake up Jane and Daria]

Jane: Come back at 6.

Jesse: It is 6.

Jane: Then how come you're so damn chipper?!

Trent: We thought it would be smarter to stay up all night than try to wake up early.

Monster [2.06]

[a home video is playing on TV: Daria as a young child and Quinn as a toddler are seated at a table wearing party hats, each seated on on either side of a birthday cake with three candles; when Daria goes to blow out the candles, Quinn blows them out first]

Little Daria: Hey! You're ruining my birthday cake!

[in the living room, Daria and Quinn are seated on one sofa, Jake on another, watching the video]

Daria: If only that were all she ruined.

[on the video, a long-haired Helen enters the frame]

Little Daria: Make her stop!

Helen on the Video: Oh, Daria, she's just a baby. She wants to play, too!

[in the living room]

Quinn: I'm such a cute baby.

Little Daria: Why can't I be an only child?

Daria: Yeah. Why can't I?

[on the video, Quinn starts to dance and Daria shuts down]

---

Helen: It's just that sometimes you judge people's behavior by a pretty rigid set of standards. Not everyone can live up to them.

Daria: That's what's wrong with the world.

Helen: Not even you live up to them all the time.

---

Quinn: Is that my movie? Can I see?

Daria: Sorry, but that would interfere with the creative process.

Jane: See, we're like artists, and this is how we express ourselves. You understand.

Quinn: I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything. Not that I would.

Daria: Perish the thought.

Quinn: I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.

Daria: Or anything else.

Quinn: I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi and Stacy, and Tiffany and suddenly I'm outside of myself watching, and it's like, who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys and clothes and cars but then what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff and you're good at your little paintings.

Jane: They are minuscule, aren't they?

Quinn: I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but you know, it's what I can do. [leaves]

Daria: Aw, hell.

Jane: Yeah.

The New Kid [2.07]

Quinn: [club pages have been cut from the yearbook] But you can't be serious about this!

Daria: Listen, Ted has a point.

Quinn: Aha! It's that boy! So it's about love, is it?

Daria: It is not about love!

Quinn: Alright, keep it your secret to cherish always, but just because you're going out -

Daria: Ted and I are *not* going out!

Quinn: Whatever! Just tell loverboy we want our yearbook back!

Daria: Did you hear that? You just used the verb "want" with the noun "book."

Quinn: Save the math games for your boyfriend.

---

[Daria and Ted walk up to a virtual 3D simulator]

Attendant: Which do you want? Castle scenario, underwater paradise, futuristic dystopia?

Ted: I guess the castle one.

Attendant: Okey-doke, boss.

[Daria and Ted each step onto the pads and slip a pair of VR goggles on; the view shifts to the inside of the game, a TRON-like environment where both Ted and Daria are dressed in suits of armor]

Ted: Daria?

Daria: It's too much, right? I feel a little sick myself.

[Ted looks around in awe]

Ted: It's not really representative of medieval society, but I have to say this is the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life!

[outside, Robert and friends approach the attendant]

Robert: Uh, those are some friends of ours. Can we join in?

[inside the VR game]

Ted: The royal throne!

Daria: Good. I need to sit down.

[Robert and his two friends appear in the game]

Robert: Not so fast, weirdoes.

Daria: Robert?

Robert: That's Sir Robert, Darcy.

Daria: Daria. [Robert and friends charge and Ted steps in, easily beating all three back with his sword] Ted? Wow.

Ted: I taught myself from the eleventh-century manuscript on swordplay. It's easy.

Robert: No way. I'm not going out like this. Come on! [runs away after his friends]

Ted: Let's go, Daria. We can catch them!

Daria: This is making me nauseous. You go ahead. [Ted chases Robert as Daria removes the helmet] Ah[sits down on a bench and later she walks up to where Ted and the others are still playing] Ted, they're gonna close up pretty soon.

Ted: They'll have to pull the plug, then. We still have a lot of fight left. Right, men?

Guys: Aye!

[Daria exits, leaving Ted and the other guys to continue playing]

Gifted [2.08]

Helen: So, Jodie, do you belong to any clubs?

Daria: You don't have to answer that.

Jodie: I'm president of the French Club, vice president of Student Council, editor of yearbook, and I'm also on the tennis team.

Jake: Daria, why aren't you on the tennis team?

Daria: Because it's classified as a sport.

Helen: Speaking of sports, Jodie, do you know Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a science project together.

Jodie: Oh, sure. Kevin's great... [softly to Daria] ...at smashing beer cans with his head.

Helen: I don't know why Daria doesn't hang around with him and his gang more.

Daria: For the same reason I don't sleep with my head packed in ice.

Jake: So, Jodie, got a fella?

Jodie: Yeah, his name's Michael. But everyone calls him Mack.

Jake: Wow!

Daria: Should we go to the main building, or just apply for jobs in the stables?

---

Lara: Before I came here I was an intellectual outcast. They made fun of me for quoting Ayn Rand.

Jodie: Actually, I think she's pretty disturbing...

Graham: That's not the point. The point is that you know who she is, and that at Grove Hills, you can discuss her with people like us, instead of idiots and fools and a quarterback who tells the whole school you shower in a towel. I'd like to see a quarterback write a paper on Mao.

Jodie: I think the Cultural Revolution is...

Graham: You have an awful lot to say for someone who doesn't even go to this school yet.

Jodie: What's that supposed to mean?

Graham: It means why don't we see whether you get in to Grove Hills before we start listening to your opinions.

Jodie: Hey! Just because some jock made you feel like the loser you are, don't take it out on me.

Graham: I'm not a loser! I have a 165 I.Q.!

Jodie: Who cares? You're still boring and miserable! Try taking your head out of your butt for once and opening up your myopic little eyes. Or doesn't your 165 I.Q. make you smart enough to see the way you really are? [leaves]

Graham: I'll make sure you never set foot in this school again!

Daria: That's a relief. For a minute there I thought you were going to threaten us. [leaves]

---

(At Sandi Griffin's House)

Quinn: So I told Peter, "Look...I don't care how many times you ask me out. You're not my type!"

Sandi: I know. I don't know how many times he's asked me out.

Quinn: That's what I just said.

Sandi: No, you said you don't care how many times he's asked you out.

Quinn: Well, I meant--

Sandi: (pointing to the television) Oh, look, Quinn. She's wearing sandals like yours. Is this a rerun?

Quinn: I don't think so. (stands) Can I get you a diet soda?

Sandi: No, thanks. But help yourself to the grapes. I hear they're good for breakouts.

'''(Worried- Quinn runs out as Sandi's younger brothers Sam and Chris come inside)'''

Sam: (grabbing the remote) Hey, sis, what you watching? (turns the channel)

Sandi: Turn it back! (Chris punches her arm) Ooow! You little geek!

Quinn: Hey, what happened to Fashion Vision?

Sam: (gushingly) Oh, sorry, Quinn. Um, you want a peanut butter log?

Chris: Need a smoother glass?

Sam: Should I fluff your shoelaces?

Quinn: Well, let's see--

Sandi: (jealous) If you guys like Quinn so much, maybe you should adopt her and I can go live with the Morgendorfers.

Sam: Cool.

Chris: I'll help you pack.

Sandi: Quinn, it's getting kind of crowded in here. Maybe Tiffany has more room.

Quinn: What do you mean, Sandi?

(Sandi points to the door- kicking Quinn out)

Ill [2.09]

Jake: Have you seen this pamphlet? [hands Daria a pamphlet]

Daria: "Is Your Teenager Using Drugs? Ten Warning Signs." Yes...yes...no...maybe...sometimes...hmm, about three times a week...and not if she can possibly avoid it. In my opinion, Quinn's clean.

Quinn: What?

Daria: Although you might want to check her pupils.

Jake: [laughs nervously] I, uh, was thinking more about you, Daria.

Daria: Oh, then you're not supposed to let me read this. You're supposed to sneak around, spying on me and looking through my sock drawer. [doorbell rings, Daria leaves]

Jake: Oh. Kiddo, which one is your sock drawer?

Quinn: I can show you, Daddy.

---

Helen: Jake, have you seen her face? What did the doctor say?

Jake: No one's been in to see her yet, but Dr. Davidson doesn't think it's drugs.

Helen: No one's been in to see her, and you're going out for sodas?! Jake, can't you take charge of a situation for one damn minute?

Jake: But I...

Quinn: Hi, Daria.

Daria: Hi, Quinn.

Helen: If you had any sense you'd realize that these big hospitals let patients slip through the cracks all the time. You have to keep after them every second.

Daria: You know, this is exactly the kind of constant bickering that could make an otherwise happy young person turn to drugs.

Helen: I want a doctor in here now! Oh, why do I bother? [leaves] Nurse... nurse... nurse!

Jake: You said I could have a root beer.

Fair Enough [2.10]

Ms. Barch: You will marry a man while still in your prime. Then, after putting him through school and spending 20 long-suffering years begging him to turn off those damn Broncos and get a real job, he'll walk out of your life, leaving a trail of muddy footprints behind on the freshly cleaned carpet. But you'll be better off without him. Much better off.

[girl runs away, sobbing]

Jane: Much, much better off.

Daria: And she's the living proof.

Jane: Should we get our fortunes read?

Daria: I'll pass. Knowing the present is bad enough.

Jane: Then how about a Ferris wheel ride?

Daria: Do I look desperate to you?

[Sam and Chris Griffin and Upchuck come running at them]

Sam and Chris: Crusades! Crusades!

Upchuck: Ladies...wait till you hear "The Ballad of the Misunderstood Minstrel."

Daria: Do I look desperate to you now?

Jane: Yep.

Daria: Let's go.

---

[Daria and Jane are on the ferris wheel with Stacy crying]

Stacy: [sobs] But why? Is it something I said? Something I wore? Oh, I wish I were dead.

Daria: Look, don't flush your entire world down the drain just because some jerk didn't ask you out on a second date. It probably had nothing to do with you anyway.

Jane: Unless you did something really stupid, like bore him with your petty problems and convoluted logic.

Stacy: Why would I do that?

See Jane Run [2.11]

Ms. Morris: Miss Lane, what are you doing here?

Jane: Trying out for track team.

Ms. Morris: You won't participate in regular gym class, but you want to join an extracurricular sport?

Jane: I like to run.

Ms. Morris: Okay. Let's see if you're any good at it. [leaves]

Jane: I'd particularly like to run up and down your spine wearing track spikes.

Evan: She isn't your favorite teacher?

Jane: We have a score to settle.

Evan: I'm Evan, by the way.

Jane: Jane.

Evan: So, you think you're ready for track?

Jane: Yeah. I figure if the people suck I can always wear headphones.

Evan: I'm way ahead of you.

Jane: Until we get out there.

---

Jane: Tell me that at least I have my integrity.

Daria: Integrity is a funny word.

Jane: Well, then, at least tell me I'm marginally less corrupt than the jocks.

Daria: You refused to participate in a crooked system where good grades are exchanged for athletic performance. But you didn't try to reform the system, either.

Jane: For fear of complete teenage exile.

Daria: Right. So the system continues, you haven't redeemed yourself, and we're ostracized anyway.

Jane: Come on, now, stop trying to paint a rosy picture.

Daria: You know what?

Jane: What?

Daria: They really are preparing us for the real world.

Pierce Me [2.12]

Daria: I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up.

Jane: You didn't take the ring out?

Daria: Just for the night. I couldn't stand the itching.

Jane: I've heard of fast healers but this is ridiculous.

Daria: Gee, maybe E.T. came in my room and touched my navel while I slept.

Jane: Boy, Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams.

Daria: Don't tell Trent.

Jane: About E.T.?

---

[Daria comes in]

Jake: [angrily] We want to see your belly button, young lady, and we want to see it now!

Daria: What are you talking about?

Helen: Out with it!

Daria: [shows her navel] Do you have a problem with innies?

Helen: Quinn, what's the matter with you?

Jake: Your sister's not pierced. Why would you scare us like that?

Quinn: But... but it was there yesterday!

Daria: Trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion? [yawns] Boy, I'm tired. Night, everybody. [heads upstairs]

Quinn: She was pierced... pierced, I tell you! Oh, the humanity...

Write Where It Hurts [2.13]

Daria: Shouldn't we comfort her or something?

Jake: [laughs] Oh, let her go.

Helen: She'll get over it.

Daria: We should at least tell her about that eight-lane highway they built outside the house during the night.

Jake: Hmm... you may be right.

[cars collide outside]

Helen: That can't be good.

[more cars collide]

Quinn: Ow! God!

---

Future Daria: Mom... you know I'm not ready for kids. The whole idea makes me uneasy and I'm not sure why.

[Future Quinn enters with her kids]

Future Quinn's Daughter: Give me that!

Future Quinn's Son: No, it's mine!

Future Quinn's Daughter: Mommy!

Future Daria: Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

Future Quinn: Hi. [to her kids] You know where Grandma's TV is. Go watch something educational. [kids scamper into living room] Boy, I'm exhausted.

SSW Announcer: Breast implants for chickens-

Future Quinn and Daria: Not that!