Dan Vs.

Dan Vs. is an American adult animated television series created by Dan Mandel and Chris Pearson that aired on The Hub from January 1, 2011, to March 9, 2013. The series was about a rude, crude, and scruffy curmudgeon named Dan who tries to get revenge on anyone and anything that angers him.

Season 1

New Mexico [1.01]

Dan: [first lines] Ah, today's gonna be a good day. Aah! Aahh! Ow! Oof! Oh, great- there goes breakfast. Ow! My foot! Stupid thing! OW! My foot! Stupid thing! See? I learned. Ow! Don't even know why I put that lamp there in the first place. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for? Makes me want to burn down the 70s. Ow! Oof! Was that an armadillo? I'm gonna laugh when you're roadkill. What the- Not my car! Cactus needles, red dirt, Adobe... NEEEW MEXICOOOOOOOO!!!

---

[Dan is kicking Chris' seat at the car]

Chris: All this driving is making me sleepy. Dan! Stop, kicking my seat all right?

Dan: Dan, [speaking gibberish]

Elise: Something on your mind, Dan?

Dan: How come she gets to sit in the front seat?

Chris: Because that's our car.

Dan: That's not fair! This is madness! What is she even doing here?

Elise: You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico, Dan.

[Elise has a flashback of her being a little kid at New Mexico, road runners are surrounding her, taking away her cotton candy, and a cactus popping her balloon]

Little Elise: My cotton candy! NEW MEXICOOOO!!!

[Elise's flashback ends]

Dan: Hello? I asked what it did to you?

Elise: I don't want to talk about it.

Dan: You can't say something like that and not follow up. Chris, back me up on this. Chris!

[Chris is sleeping on the driver's seat and Elise steers the wheel as vehicles drive by]

Chris: [while Dan helps him open his eyes] This is not necessary.

Dan: It really is.

Chris: Come on, we're in the desert. My eyes are drying out.

Dan: Blink.

---

Elise: Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, a 6 pack of fennel juice, and Dan's peanut brittle.

Chris: Did he give you money for that?

Elise: No, but don't worry. I have enough.

Chris: I got chips, some crunchy Cheese Wads, some chewy Cheese Wads, chocolate soda-

Elise: Chris.

Chris: Some fizzle sticks, Cocoa Blasters.

Elise: Chris, remember what we talked about?

Chris: Which time?

Elise: About eating healthier.

Chris: Oh, it doesn't count if we're on a road trip. Does it?

Elise: It does.

Chris: Oh. Alright. Alright, then I'll only get 1 thing.

Elise: Thank you. I only worry about your health because I love--

Chris: Yes! Milk shake machine! I choose milk shakes

Elise: Okay.

Chris: With cookies in them.

Elise: Chris.

Chris: It's still 1 thing if the cookies are inside the milk shake.

Elise: Okay, but we're having salad for dinner.

Chris: ...Dan said we were having burgers.

Elise: If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you? [Chris thinks about it] Chris!

Chris: [stammers] I mean, it depends.

Elise: Don't jump off a cliff!

Chris: Well, I wasn't planning on it.

Elise: But if Dan jumped, you would? [Chris thinks about it] CHRIS!

The Wolf-Man [1.02]

Dan: What took you so long?

Chris: Nice to see you too!

Dan: Stupid Wolf-Man, I'll get you!

Chris: There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man, Dan.

Dan: How could you be so naive? Look at the fur, look at the paw prints!

Chris: There's an animal shelter right there.

Dan: Look!

Chris: Those are sneaker prints.

Dan: Exactly!

Chris: Exactly what?

Dan: What wears shoes but also has paws? The Wolf-Man!

Chris: So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.

Dan: He's an evil beast with an unsavory bloodlust! Of course he jogs!

Chris: If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?

Dan: Obviously, he runs like this!

Chris: He doesn't run like that in the movies.

Dan: This isn't the movies - THIS IS REAL LIFE! STOP LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD - THE WOLF-MAN SCRATCHED MY CAR, AND HE MUST PAY! NEXT MONTH!

Chris: Why next month?

Dan: Next full moon. Don't you watch movies?

Chris: So what are we doing today?

Dan: Nothing! Go home!

---

[the man is about to get sent to the ambulance]

Ambulance Guy 1: He is not fine.

Ambulance Guy 2: Yeah, he won't be getting up for a long time.

The Ninja [1.03]

[Dan is walking down the pavement, holding a box of milk and a grocery bag holding a box of cookies. Ninja is following him]

Dan: Another horrible day. Made slightly better with cookies and special lactose-free milk.

[Ninja cuts off the bottom of Dan's grocery bag, stealing Dan's cookies. Then, hidden in the bushes he eats one of the cookies.]

Ninja: Yuck! Dry! Unsatysfying! Take that! [he throws a shurinken towards Dan, who's drinking the milk straight out of the box cutting the box in half and drenching Dan with milk]

Dan: Hey! What the-!

Woman: Umm, drinking problem much?

Dan: There wasn't even a verb in that sentence! Just a lousy gerund. Where did that throwing star come from? [he touches the star, hurting his finger] Oh, well. At least I still have my cookies. [he reaches down the bag only to discover the bottom has been cut off] I can't believe this! [he pulls the shuriken out of the tree trunk where it was stuck before]

---

Ninja: Elise, my ancient and sworn enemy. What a fruitous coincidence that stealing the angry little man's abominable cookies would lead me to you! Unfortunately for your friends, they know too much. Who eats cookies made without butter anyway?

The Dentist [1.04]

Receptionist: Hey, Danny! Welcome back! Let's update your forms.

Dan: [walks away] It's "Dan" and I'm a grown man with grown man needs.

Chris: Hey! I'll be over here. [sits down and read a book along with a little boy until Dan shows up] She was cute.

Dan: She hates me.

Chris: Were you rude to her?

Dan: No! A little.

Chris: Only a little. Wow- that's a big step for you. You should ask her out.

Dan: Absolutely not! She's in league with the devil, a.k.a. my dentist.

Receptionist: [voiceover] Danny, we're ready for you now.

Dan: Call me "Danny" again and you'll be sorrier than you've ever been in your miserable worthless, tooth-scraping life.

Little Boy: Your son is weird.

Chris: He really is.

---

Chris: Well, that was one of the worst experiences in my lifetime of bad experiences. You were unconscious for most of it.

Dan: I had nightmares the whole time. It was horrible, I dreamt I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth fixed.

Chris: At least your tooth is fixed. Oh, before I forget, the hygienist said you have to come back next week.

Dan: What?

Chris: Yeah, apparently you have a cavity they couldn't fill before the gas wore off.

Dan: Oh! Now do you see what the dentist does?

Chris: Fix teeth? He fixes teeth, Dan.

Dan: Every time he fixes something, he breaks something else, like a crooked auto mechanic. It's how he keeps people coming back.

Chris: You haven't been back since you learned to tie your shoes.

Dan: And now twice in 1 week! Don't you think that's suspicious?

Chris: Not really.

Dan: Well, it is! And I'm gonna get him for it!

Chris: Oh, what's your plan?

Dan: We're gonna kidnap the dentist. Then you're gonna hold him down while I drill a hole in his face!

Chris: Wow, I am so not okay with that.

Dan: Oh, come on. You said you'd help.

Chris: Look, I'm watching a movie with Elise in, like, an hour. Can I drop you off at home?

Dan: Quisling.

Chris: If I knew what that meant, would I be offended?

Dan: Probably.

The Animal Shelter [1.05]

[Dan is in the kitchen making meatloaf]

Dan: That's Chris' knock. Sounds like he clipped his nails this morning. [Chris arrives] Finally.

Chris: I came as soon as I got your message. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

Dan: Got my message? Why was your phone off?

Chris: Well, my doctor says I'd sleep more if I didn't take your calls in the middle of the night.

Dan: This is not okay. You never turn your phone off ever again. Promise me.

Chris: So what do you need me for?

Dan: Promise me!

Chris: I promise. Why am I here?

Dan: Vengeance. They built an animal shelter across the street.

Chris: Another one?

Dan: What do you mean another one?

Chris: Well, Manfrangensen Animal Shelter's been there since before you moved in. It's an historic landmark. I'm sure we've talked about this before.

Dan: What was that? I wasn't listening.

Chris: What's the problem, Dan?

Dan: Well, they won't let me sleep.

Chris: [eating Dan's meatloaf] Who's that?

Dan: Would you start paying attention? The howling beasts. But they'll get theirs.

Chris: [eating Dan's meatloaf] How?

Dan: You'll distract the incompetent at the counter. I'll sneak the poison into the kennel.

Chris: Wait. Wait, are you planning to poison abandoned animals?

Dan: I mean, kind of.

Chris: No!

Dan: Why not? They're just gonna go to sleep forever.

Chris: Dan, these are innocent creatures that have been abandoned by an uncaring society.

Dan: What if I just poison the guy who works there?

Chris: That would be murder.

Dan: But it's for a good cause. I can release the animals, and they can run free.

Chris: I don't think that will sway the jury.

Dan: So I just wasted my whole day making this poison meat loaf? [Chris eats all of Dan's poisoned meatloaf] Oh, no.

Chris: Dan? Have I been poisoned? Dan?

Dan: Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?

Chris: Do you have more than 1 meatloaf?

Dan: Who has more than 1 meatloaf!?

Chris: [spins around] Oh no! Oh no!

Dan: Maybe you should go ahead and sit down.

Chris: I'm feeling pretty light-headed.

Dan: Yeah. You've been poisoned. Seriously, you should sit down.

Chris: I think I'm going to faint.

Dan: Fall this way. I'll catch you. [Chris faints after eating the poisoned meatloaf] You really should have sat down. [grabs Chris] What are you, made of sand? Well, I'm not paying for an ambulance.

---

Elise: [at home] Hello?

Dan: It's Dan. I've got some good news and some bad news.

Elise: Is Chris with you?

Dan: Chris isn't really with us anymore. He's dead.

Elise: WHAT?

Dan: Well, not dead, but poisoned.

Elise: POISONED?!

Dan: But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.

Elise: You're not making any sense!

Dan: Yes, I really should have planned out what I'd say before I called you.

Elise: Is Chris okay?

Dan: No, he's dead. I mean, no, he's not.

Elise: Where are you?

Dan: I'm at a pay phone.

Elise: And where is Chris?

Dan: I don't know. They took him. Down the hall somewhere, I think.

Elise: [pops the stress toy and angrily panics quietly] Are you at the hospital?

Dan: Of course! What have I been saying this whole time?

Elise: [angrily] I'll be there in 5 minutes, and I am not happy!

Dan: Like I am? [cut to the hospital room where him and Elise are with Chris] Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Elise: Say beep 1 more time.

Dan: Beep?

Elise: [punches Dan] Be serious! He still hasn't woken up!

Dan: Oh, he's fine. They said they got most of the poison out. He's in a better place now.

Elise: Better place? He's in a hospital. This is pretty much the worst place you can be!

Dan: I would think shark tank.

Elise: Dan!

Dan: Well, whose fault is this anyway?

Elise: Yours!

Dan: No way. Listen, if you walk into somebody's house and you see a meat loaf on the counter, do you just dig right in? He didn't even ask.

Elise: You know Chris is on the see-food diet.

Dan: That's no excuse for monkey wrenching my plans. Also, meatloaf isn't seafood. [pause] Oh, seafood. I get it. It's a good thing you still have a sense of humor even though Chris is dead. Dying. Poisoned. Whatever. He's fine.

Elise: I am going to get some tea. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! [leaves]

Dan: Finally. Do you want to tag along on my revenge? Yes, I do. Do you want to pay for everything with your credit cards? I don't know. Oh, come on. We'll have a blast. Well, all right. Can I get a milk shake later? Of course you can, buddy. [he steals a patient's clothes and puts it on Chris] This is the 3rd most uncomfortable thing I've had to do all week. [cut to him with Chris in a wheelchair] Doctor.

Doctor: Doctor.

---

[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with a poisoned Chris]

Hortence: Welcome to Burgerphile, home of the world-famous burger bowl.

Dan: World-famous? Whatever you say, sweetness. Get me a plain burger, small cola, and a milk shake for my friend here. That's a plain burger, no cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant. You put cheese on my burger, I will die, You put cheese on my burger, I will die, but not before I burn this place to the ground!

Hortence: That'll be $2.98, sir.

Dan: Keep the change, pumpkin. You're okay, buddy. [at the table] Ketchup, the one true condiment. Here's your milk shake, slugger. "Thanks, Dan. You're my best friend." I know. "l love you." Um I feel somewhat warmly towards you, but to be honest, this conversation's making me uncomfortable. [his phone rings] Thank goodness. It's Elise. I'll get it. Yello.

Elise: Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole him from the hospital.

Dan: And you just assume it was me.

Elise: I saw the security tapes! You also took our car!

Dan: Possession is nine-tenths of the law, I'll have you know. Technically Chris is mine now.

Elise: Bring him back to the hospital this instant! He needs medical care!

Dan: Bring him back? Why? We're having a great time. Sure, he's a little pale and his breathing's shallow, but he's fine. Plus he's going to help me blow up-- I mean, run some errands. I can drop him off when we're done.

Elise: Bring him back now, Dan!

Dan: What's that? You're breaking up! Crackle! Crackle! Buzz!

Elise: You're not even making the noises. You're just saying crackle and buzz.

Dan: Crackle! Buzz! [hangs up the phone] Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions. [when Dan's phone rings again, he throws it off, and drinks Chris' milkshake] Oh, no. [shocked] Chris, why did you let me drink your milk shake? [cut to outside of Burgerphile] I've got to get to my medicine. Come on. [he feels pain in his stomach as Chris rolls off] Curse you, Burgerphile! You're going on the list. [cut to his apartment] Medicine. Need my medicine. Man. I need to vacuum. Of course. Stay here. I'm going to run to the drugstore.

Elise: [hits the door on Dan as she arrives to pick him up from Dan's apartment] Oh, Chris. [angrily] Dan! You have 3 seconds to explain yourself!

Dan: We got dynamite. Okay, just don't jostle me or anything. My guts are killing me. [Elise punches him] Ohh! My guts. [Elise takes Chris out while he is on the floor] Hello, floor. You and I are going to be spending some time together. Ah, yes. Great. More barking. There's the icing on my awfulness cake.

Canada [1.06]

[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he's at the park with Elise]

Chris: Hello.

Dan: I'M COVERED IN SYRUP!

Chris: Who is this?

Dan: Get over here right now. We're going to war with Canada. [falls to the floor sticky as a split screen closes]

Elise: What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup?

Chris: Yes. He's covered in it. Now he wants revenge on Canada.

Elise: Oh, that Dan.

Chris: Always covered in something.

---

Elise: [checks Chris' temp] Oh, 102.

Dan: [on the phone, sick] Chris, get over here. Make me some soup.

Chris: Who's that? [hangs up]

Elise: Telemarketer. I'm going to get you some more tea.

Dan: [after Chris hung up on him] Chicken noodle. Maybe some beef broth. Hello?

Traffic [1.07]

[when the parking lot had a massive explosion]

Chris: Real nice, Dan. You almost killed us. Way to go.

Dan: Almost only counts in horseshoes and- [another explosion is heard]

---

Dan: [finds Hal] Helicopter Hal, we meet at last. Nice jacket.

Helicopter Hal: I don't sign autographs, thanks.

Dan: Oh, I'm no fan. [punches Hal]

Helicopter Hal: Why?

Dan: That's for making me pee!

Helicopter Hal: What?

Dan: You love traffic!

Helicopter Hal: Well, it is my bread and butter!

Dan: [punches him again] That's 'cause I can't digest butter!

Helicopter Hal: Well, how is that my fault? You can't just punch a celebrity!

Dan: I didn't! Now get in there and fly this thing.

[the helicopter flies off]

Ye Olde Shakespeare Dinner Theatre [1.08]

[Dan, Elise, and Chris are at the Dinner theatre watching a particularly bad performance of Romeo and Juliet]

Dan: Oh, this is terrible, come on! [everyone tells him to be quiet] Why are they shushing me? It's those Apple Johns onstage who are butchering the material.

Man: [walks up to Dan] Please be quiet. You're disturbing the other patrons. [spills the soup on Dan's lap] Oops.

Dan: OW! You scalded me, you jackanape!

Man: Sir, I've already asked you to keep it down.

Theater Main Actor: What clodpole disturbs the traffic of our stage?

Nervous Actor: [walks up to Dan] Alright, sir, it is time for you to make haste.

Dan: You don't tell me what to make. Unhand me! [gets thrown out of the dinner theatre] Throw me out? I'll throw you out, stupid hacks, misinterpreting the material. [the police officer walks up to him] It's the Bard, for crying out loud. No respect.

Police Officer: Sir, there's no loitering here.

Dan: I'm not loitering. I was thrown out of the theater for having taste, and now I'm waiting for my friends. Well, my friend and his wife.

Police Officer: Sure, you are. Listen, sir, although I'm concerned with the plight of the homeless--

Dan: [yelling] I'M NOT HOMELESS!

Police Officer: [gives Dan a ticket] Then here's your ticket for loitering.

Dan: Loitering?

Police Officer: Move along, sir. Don't make me arrest you.

Dan: It's never-ending with this place. Got the cops on the take. [walks off]

---

[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he is with Elise at Ninja Dave's Cookies]

Chris: Hello.

Dan: We have to make them pay. They bruised my face with frozen produce. They are going down. Come over right now.

Chris: Nope. I'm on a date.

Dan: With Elise?

Elise: Yes, Dan.

Dan: You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up? [hangs up]

Baseball [1.09]

Dan: Baseball is a contemptible sport. It's not contemptible. It needs to pay. It ruined my TV time, and it broke the side mirror on my car.

Chris: How exactly?

Dan: It preempted my stories.

Chris: I meant the mirror thing.

Dan: Don't get bogged down with minutiae. Drive me to Washington. I am going to yell at the president of baseball.

Chris: He's called a commissioner.

Dan: Oh, commissioner. La-dee-da. I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise never to preempt my show again.

Chris: How do you plan to do that?

Dan: Step 1, you drive me to Washington. Step 2, shut up.

Chris: Okay, I'll go.

Dan: I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable— wait, did you say "okay?"

Chris: Yeah, do you think we could try and get into the World Series? I mean, the last game's being played there in three days.

Dan: Wait. You like baseball?

Chris: I really do. Plus I'm on my own this weekend. Elise is--

Dan: Irrelevant. We go to see the Commissioner. If he won't meet my demands, then you have to break his legs, okay?

Chris: Uh, no.

Dan: Fine. 1 leg. Come and pick me up.

---

Dan: [after seeing the photos on TV] Oh, look at that! Those pictures don't even look like us!

Chris: Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the police sketches don't look like us. Don't be so sensitive.

The Salvation Armed Forces [1.10]

[the Salvation Armed Forces truck comes to pick up the chair from the house]

Salvation Armed Forces Guy: Sir! Thank you for your generous donation, sir. [opens the back of the truck]

Chris: No problem.

Salvation Armed Forces Guy: This old thing was just sitting around.

Dan: [inside the chair] Ow!

Chris: Shhh! -hould I, uh, help you move it? It's deceptively heavy. And misanthropic.

Salvation Armed Forces Guy: That would be great. [he and Chris lift the chair and put it in the truck] What was that sir?

Chris: Nothing. Enjoy the Dan. Chair. The chair's name... is "Dan". Goodbye chair.

[the Salvation Armed Forces Guy closes the truck]

---

Dan: [voiceover] Attention!

Clerk: [falls over from his chair] Who are you suppose to be?

Dan: [dressed up wearing a marching band costume] I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.

Clerk: Well, I have never heard of you.

Dan: Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! [throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream] Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.

Clerk: I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!

[Dan leaves the clerk's building and begins talking through a walkie talkie]

Dan: [through a walkie-talkie] The football is in play. The football is in play. Over.

Walkie-Talkie: Was that the code?

Dan: [through a walkie-talkie] Yes! Over!

Walkie-Talkie: I forgot what that one meant.

Dan: [through a walkie-talkie] It means I have disabled the guard, and you guys can come out now! Over!

Walkie-Talkie: Oh, right. Gotacha!

Dan: [through a walkie-talkie] NO! You don't say "gotcha". It's "Roger".

Walkie-Talkie: Oh, right. Gotcha!

Dan: Oh, I hate that guy.

Walkie-Talkie: Hey Roger? The radio's still on.

The Beach [1.11]

Dan: [as he gets caught by a sandstorm] There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious! There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious!

---

Lifeguard: So you have a husband?

Elise: Not anymore.

Lifeguard: Let's go on a date.

Elise: Snap out of it, Chris!

Lifeguard: Where?

[cuts to Dan who is wearing Elise's hair]

Dan: I said, snap out of it, Chris! [slaps Chris as the boat sinks] The boat is sinking! Again! This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans. We have zero standards for safety.

Chris: I can't die now. I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.

Dan: I don't think I have a choice. But hey, on the bright side, I hear drowning's a very peaceful way to go. Apparently there's a soundtrack. [sees a friendship boat appearing]

Chris: Ha! A boat! Over here! Help! [a pirate sticks out two fingers] We're saved!

Dan: [pops his head up] Missionaires! I knew it!

George Washington [1.12]

Chris: Can we turn the spooky music off?

Madame Zelda: No. The spirits like it. Let us all join hands.

Chris: When was the last time you washed your hands?

Dan: Don't have to. Cat licks them clean.

Madame Zelda: Now I will call upon the spirit of George Washington. Are you there, Mr. President? Make a noise if you are with us.

Dan: He's here.

Chris: She just kicked the table. Ow! Someone just kicked me.

Madame Zelda: George Washington will take possession of my body. [starts talking in an American accent] Hello. It is I, George Washington, 1st President of the United States, commander of the Confederate Army.

Chris: Continental Army.

Madame Zelda: That's what I said.

Chris: Is not-- Ow!

Dan: Is it really you, Mr. Washington?

Madame Zelda: Yes. Now what question can I help you with?

[Dan gets an ax and gets ready to attack Madame Zelda]

Chris: Dan, no!

Madame Zelda: What are you, a psychopath?

Dan: Chris, hold George Washington down while I get the ax free!

Chris: There is no way I'm gonna help you murder a psychic, even a fake one! [pulls Dan and the ax off]

Madame Zelda: The spell is broken.

Dan: Oh, come on!

Madame Zelda: You can't hurt a spirit, you fool.

Dan: Well, you should have told me that before we started.

Madame Zelda: Just give me my $50 and get out.

Dan: You don't see dollar 1 until I speak with George Washington.

Madame Zelda: Remember, get paid first. Fine. I will summon the great George Washington once more, but you must promise.

Chris: Not to kill you. We promise, right, Dan? Dan?

Dan: Fine. It wouldn't hurt George Washington anyway, apparently.

Chris: But it would land us in prison for the rest of our lives.

Madame Zelda: Ahem! What is it that I, the great and powerful George Washington, can help you with?

Chris: This is ridiculous. That's not the kind of thing George Washington would say.

Dan: So you're the expert? Okay, professor, ask him a question, then.

Chris: Fine. What's your middle name, George?

Madame Zelda: I didn't have one?

Chris: Actually, I think that's right.

Dan: You have got to learn to trust the experts. I wanted to tell you that I know it was you who chopped down the tree outside my apartment and smashed my car, and I am going to make you pay!

Madame Zelda: Oh, please. I'm the Father of Our Country. You're just an angry little man with a smashed car. Thousands of people still visit my home every week. Does anyone visit your home?

Dan: I'm waiting until I clean it before I have company over.

Chris: Come on. Let's go.

Dan: This isn't over.

[Chris takes Dan out]

Madame Zelda: The things I do for 50 bucks. [gasps] Wait! Madame Zelda demands a full payment!

Chris: [at the car] That was a waste of time.

Dan: Are you kidding me? Were we not in the same seance? He bragged about his house. That's what he's most proud of, Mount Vernon, so that's what we're going to take away from him.

---

Dan: I can't believe that you bought her along! This is terrible!

Chris: You have been complaining for the last 6 hours.

Elise: Yeah, give it a rest. I'm going with you. I'm in the car and everything.

Dan: Can't we drop her off somewhere? She'll find a way home. She always does!

Elise: I'm coming along to get revenge on George Washington.

Dan: The last thing I need is- Really?

Elise: Yes!

Dan: Oh thanks. I would also like shotgun.

Elise: You can't have it. How are you planning on destroying Mount Vernon anyway?

Dan: I have a bunch of explosives in the trunk. That reminds me. Don't get into an accident. And you might want to take speed bumps very slowly.

Elise: [whispering] Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon?

Chris: Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess what he knows about any given topic. Watch: Dan? Who made Mt. Rushmore?

Dan: Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?

Chris: And what state is it in?

Dan: D- I don't know, Ecuador something?! What's with all the questions?

Elise: So there is a savant half.

Technology [1.13]

Hiram: Home, sweet home.

Dan: Lovely place you have here.

Hiram: Now, if you boys are thirsty, that kettle's where I sterilize my drinking water.

Chris: Actually, I am a bit parched.

Hiram: It's also where I take my baths.

Dan: What time is it, by the way?

Hiram: Well, let's see. According to the stars, it's nigh on 8:53.

Dan: Where's your television? My stories are about to come on.

Hiram: Television? Oh, not in my house. Tell you what, why don't you entertain yourself with my zoetrope?

Dan: [while looking at Hiram's zoetrope] So does this guy ever blow up or something? I mean there's not even a story arc.

Hiram: I got one of a plus-sized woman in a bubble bath. But it's... ahh, it's for my eyes only, if you get me.

Chris: [flatly] We get you.

---

Chris: So can we go home now?

Dan: Have we derailed Barry Ditmer's plans yet? Have we stopped the momentum of technological progress?

Chris: You have to let this go, Dan. Don't you see the parallels between yourself and Hiram?

Dan: What are you talking about?

Chris: Oh, well, you hate technology. He hates technology. He's incredibly angry. You're incredibly angry.

Dan: Who's angry? How dare you! I'll strangle you!

Chris: See?

Dan: I'll admit there does seem to be a tenuous connection.

Chris: If you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like him.

Dan: Oh, I think that's a stretch.

Chris: You know what? We are going to talk about this. [stops the car]

Dan: We should probably get further away from the ax murderer before we stop the car.

Chris: We've gone 30 miles. There's no way he could cover that kind of distance on foot. [he and Dan scream as they see an ax on the car]

Hiram: To the ends of the Earth!

Chris: Well, I've been wrong before.

The Barber [1.14]

[Dan gets ready to have his haircut]

Dan: One haircut, my good man, and make me look dashing. Sounds like somebody's got a date. Well, hop up. I do have a date. She's cute, and she likes zombie spaghetti westerns, a cinematic subgenre of which I consider myself a connoisseur. We are going to see "A Fistful of Brains" tonight. She sounds like the perfect girl. Don't I know it. And pretty too.

Barber: Why do you have her driver's license?

Dan: To run a background check, make sure she's not a serial killer or an organ donor. They don't always wait till you're dead, you know. Possibly the future ex-Mrs. Dan if she plays her cards right.

Barber: Well, don't worry. I'll make sure you look nice and handsome for your date. [cuts his hair with a razor offscreen]

Dan: [inside the barber shop] NOOOO! You made me a monster!

Barber: Wait! You forgot your lollipop!

[Dan runs off and hides his haircut]

---

[Dan heads to the barber shop with a hedge trimmer]

Dan: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do but, [he tries to chainsaw through the door until it breaks, he drops the hedge trimmer, and heads inside the barber shop] Now where could you have gone? [stares at a picture of a lake and a cabin] Now I know where you're headed. That will teach you to personalize your work space.

Art [1.15]

Chris: I can't believe she thinks I have bad taste. Well, when I get back from this museum, I'll be the most educated, refined art lover that ever lived. She'll see. I mean, it's just art. How complicated could it be? What's this supposed to be, a steering wheel? This isn't helping at all. How am I supposed to tell the good art from the bad?

Dan: It's all bad. All right, back to basics. [he gets ready to light up a painting but a old security guard takes it away from him] Huh?

Old Security Guard: No open flames in the museum. [walks away with Dan's lighter]

Dan: Hey, that's my favorite lighter. You think I won't hurt an old man? I'll hurt an old man. [the security guard picks him up] Unhand me! He's getting away.

[Chris is staring at a picture of a flower. Next, Dan and Chris are sitting at an museum's bench]

Chris: [while eating a fake burger] Museum food tastes like plastic.

Dan: Another reason why art must suffer.

Old Security Guard: [walks up to Dan and Chris] You can't touch the art.

Dan: Um, neither of us are touching any art, grandpa.

Security Guard: First of all, that's my grandpa, not yours, and second, you're sitting on a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.

Dan: The bench? The bench is art now?

Security Guard: And the sandwich.

Chris: [gasps] Oh. Sorry.

Security Guard: Wasn't there also an apple pie?

[when Chris' stomach gumbles, the security guard kick Dan and Chris out of the museum]

Chris: This whole art thing is just so frustrating. It's giving me a stomachache. I think some of that exhibit was toxic.

Dan: [reads the poster] That's him. That's the guy I should be after, the so-called "artist" who ruined my car. Come on, Chris.

Chris: I don't know. I should probably go to the hospital. I ate a whole plastic pie.

Dan: No time. We have a mission. To make Art Artstein art history. Let's go. [he bumps himself to the street painting]

---

[Dan and Chris are having a split-screen phone chat]

Chris: What now?

Dan: There's no way to ruin art.

Chris: What do you mean? We ruined it.

Dan: I thought we did, but somehow we made it better.

Chris: Wait. People liked our pointless squiggles? But if that's art and benches are art and sunflowers are sometimes art and then some art can be eaten even though it shouldn't be, then-- but-- I am never going to figure this out.

Dan: If there's no way to ruin art that already exists, I'll have to cut it off at its source. Art Artstein, prepare for a close encounter of the Dan kind.

Chris: I guess if anyone could explain art to me, it'd be someone named Art.

Elise's Parents [1.16]

Dan: I just want to go to the Renaissance Faire with my best friend, and your parents are getting in the way of that.

Elise: You think they're inconveniencing you? Ever since I was a kid, nothing I've ever done has been good enough. Straight A's, full scholarships, captain of every conceivable team the schools had, everything never enough. Why do you think I became a top operative in a shadowy, quasi governmental organization?

Dan: Wait, what was that?

Elise: What? Oh, never mind. The point is my parents will have a perfect week and for once not have anything to criticize me about.

Dan: You know you married Chris, right? Well, what am l supposed to do with this bag of common household rats?

Elise: Don't you even think about it.

Dan: Come on. I spent all day collecting these little guys.

Elise: Let's establish some ground rules. 1. You will not mess up my house in any way.

Dan: Fine.

Elise: 2. You will not cause my parents bodily harm of any kind. 3. You will not set anything they own on fire.

Dan: Oh, come on!

Elise: 4. If and when you engage them in conversation, you will be polite and pleasant. If you aren't, they'll need dental records to identify your body. You get me?

Dan: Joke's on you. I don't have dental records.

Elise: And take those rats somewhere else! [leaves]

---

Chris: You know, maybe working in a cupcake shop won't be so bad.

Elise: Yes, it will be.

Chris: It'll give me a chance to get to know Don, see what he's like once you get past that gruff exterior.

Elise: There's a gruff interior that's exactly the same.

Chris: Oh well, at least I'll be surrounded by-

Elise: You won't be allowed to eat any of the cupcakes.

Chris: Wait, I'll be surrounded by food all day and not allowed to eat it?

Elise: That's the food industry for you.

Chris: That sounds like one of the circles of Dante's Inferno.

Elise: Only less fun.

The Fancy Restaurant [1.17]

Dan: Another great turkey sandwich from The Sub-Marine. Italian roll, spicy mustard, mayo, no cheese, no meddling vegetables. Mmm. You know, you might be the perfect food.

Talking Sandwich: I like you, Dan. You're always right.

Dan: Thanks, talking sandwich. [he dances with the sandwhich until he falls to the floor] Aw! I've got to stop eating candy for dinner.

---

Elise: Hey! What are you doing? I said be discreet.

Chris: I'm trying to chew quietly.

Elise: Never mind that. I've found something for you to do.

Chris: Oh, you're the best.

Elise: Don't eat that! I just put knockout powder on those. I need you to deliver them to the sous-chefs guarding the vault. Then open the door for Dan. You think you can handle that?

Chris: [sighs] You know, I'm sorry. This is not how I pictured our anniversary.

Elise: I have a confession to make. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know today was our anniversary.

Chris: Wait. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know it was our anniversary either.

Elise: Is it our anniversary?

Chris: I don't know. Let's think. What did we do on our last anniversary.

Elise: We were going to go to a party, but Dan wouldn't get out of our walls.

Chris: Right. And the year before, we were gonna go to a picnic.

Elise: And we spent the whole day with the bail bondsman.

Chris: Yeah, Dan had that whole nun thing.

Elise: You know what? I's not our anniversary.

Chris: And do you know what else? I don't care. I don't want to wait for a special occasion to take my beautiful wife out to dinner.

Elise: You are so sweet. Now go knock out those guards.

Dan [1.18]

[Dan goes inside his apartment and meets with Imposter Dan that looks similar to him]

Imposter Dan: This Saturday? I'll be there. [Dan looks shocked] Oh. Got to go, Jer. Well this is embarrassing. I figured you'd be at court at least another hour.

Dan: Who are you?

Imposter Dan: Who are you?

Dan: I'm Dan.

Imposter Dan: I'm Dan.

Dan: Stop it.

Imposter Dan: Stop it. I should probably just go. [he runs out of Dan's apartment]

Dan: Hey, those are my clothes! Stop, clothes thief! [Imposter Dan twists his arm] Who are you?

Imposter Dan: I told you already. I'm Dan. The question is who are you? [he runs off]

---

Imposter Dan: [opens the door] May I help you?

Chris: He's real!

Dan: What are you doing in my apartment?

Imposter Dan: Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.

Elise: Why would anyone want to be Dan?

Imposter Dan: I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.

Dan: You've been reading my journal?

Elise: What does he mean, "unflattering"?

Imposter Dan: You ask, why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.

Dan: [turns red, yelling] OFF-PUTTING?! ANGRY!?

Imposter Dan: That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?

Dan: Well, I... I have a foosball table... so I got that going for me.

Imposter Dan: You don't even like foosball.

Dan: He's right. I'm an air hockey man.

Imposter Dan: You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.

Dan: ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]

Elise: Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?

Imposter Dan: Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares; Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment 8. So, if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]

Chris: That last part sounded a little like you.

The Family Camping Trip [1.19]

Dan: Your probably wondering why I'm wearing face paint and attacking you with a plastic toy hatchet?

Chris: Oh, is it "Put on Face Paint and Attack Your Best Friend with a Hatchet Day" already?

Dan: That's not till January. It's Dismemberfest.

Chris: Ah, the horror film festival.

Dan: You got it. Slasher Cats starts at noon tomorrow, followed by Eek! The Murderer.

Chris: I can't go this year, Dan. Elise's parents are taking us on a camping trip.

Dan: You have got to be kidding me.

Chris: Hey, I'm not happy about it either. Although I must admit I don't like those movies anyway.

Dan: But it's no fun going to slasher movies by myself.

Chris: Sorry, but I have an opportunity to finally get Don and Elise Sr. to like me.

Dan: When are you going to learn they are your in-laws-- natural enemies, like sharks and robots?

Chris: Anyway, we're going up to Lake Sequester - for the weekend, and-

Dan: Whoa, whoa. Where?

Chris: Lake Sequester.

Dan: Oh, you won't go to slasher movies, but you'll go there?

Chris: Sure.

Dan: Why not? Are you kidding me? It's where the Hockey Mask Maniac ran amuck 10 years ago. It's the basis for the goriest, bloodiest, most iconic slasher movie of them all, The Campground Chain Saw Unpleasantness.

Chris: Okay, you should go now.

Dan: Well, I'm not leaving until you agree to- [Chris lifts him] Hey, let me go! Unhand me, I say!

Chris: I'm going on the family camping trip, Dan, and that's final. [leaves]

---

Dan: Are you trying to kill me?

Elise: Don't tempt me.

Don What are you doing here?

Dan: Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you. Just give me what is rightfully mine, and I'll go.

Elise Sr.: What do you want exactly?

Dan: Chris.

Don: I don't know. Sounds reasonable.

Elise Sr.: Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris, even if we'd like to.

Chris: Dan, this is really unacceptable.

Dan: It's all your fault.

Chris: This is not my fault.

Elise Sr.: It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.

Dan: If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest.

Elise: Okay, let's go. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip, don't follow.

Dan: Your not the boss of me, lady. I go where I plea- Hey! Is that my car battery? I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST! I'LL PUT ALL OF YOU ON THE LIST!

Burgerphile [1.20]

Hortence: Oh, hey. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?

Dan: Great. Well, not great, but good. Well, not good, despondent. You look nice. Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong. Well, not you, specifically, I mean--

Jeremiah: What seems to be the problem here?

Hortence: This gentleman got the wrong order.

Jeremiah: That's impossible. I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.

Dan: What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.

Jeremiah: You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.

Dan: I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said!

Jeremiah: Look, sir. I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service. No mistakes. Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.

Dan: I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back!

Jeremiah: Well, neither of those things are going to happen. Mac, Karl. Please escort this gentleman off the premises.

[Mac and Karl grab Dan]

Dan: This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!

Hortence: I'm really sorry, sir.

Jeremiah: Don't apologize to him.

Hortence: Sorry, sir.

Dan: I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! [gets thrown outside]

Chris: How'd it go?

---

[Chris and Elise find Dan tied up with Hortence]

Elise: Wow, Dan. You've really started something.

Dan: Yup. I think they're about to cave. They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.

Chris: Oh. We were going to grab dinner.

Elise: Oh, don't worry. We can just go across the street. I see you've made a new friend, Dan.

Hortence: I'm Hortence. Dan's girlfriend.

Elise: Wow, Dan. Way to go.

Dan: Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me. What? They do.

The Magician [1.21]

Chris: [while walking with Dan] Can we please pick up the pace?

Dan: Hey, you shouldn't have come with me on errand day if you didn't have the time.

Chris: You said, you needed a ride, and you only had 1 thing to do.

Dan: Yeah, run errands. Plus, you got something, too.

Chris: 1 thing. At 1 place. I had to pick it up for Elise's birthday. [shows Dan the necklace] Nice, huh?

Dan: The box is okay I guess.

Chris: It's a heirloom. It was the only thing of value my great-great grandmother brought her to this country. I got it engraved, see? [shows it to Dan]

Dan: Who's Elsie?

Chris: What? Oh no.

Dan: What's going on here? [drops all of his stuff on the sidewalk]

Magnifico the Magnificent: Ta-da!

Dan: Oh magic. Never mind, we're going.

Chris: Cool, magic!

Dan: Seriously? How old are you?

Chris: Magicians have powers that normal humans can't understand Dan.

Dan: No, they have gimmicky deck of cards and thinly-veiled distractions. You will feel a punch. Watch this hand! [punches Chris in the stomach]

Chris: Ow! How'd you do that?

Magnifico the Magnificent: For my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. How about you? [jumps on the floor] Behold! A necklace. [makes a magic trick to Chris' necklace] Transportatum necloranicum.

Chris: [looks at his necklace box] It's gone.

[everybody cheers]

Dan: Okay, now let's make it reappear so we can all get on with our lives.

Magnifico the Magnificent: I'm sorry, but that would be impossible. I banished it to the 4th dimension of the universe.

Chris: What? Oh, no.

Magnifico the Magnificent: Oh, yes. Your necklace is now in another realm. A small price to pay for magic!

[everybody cheers]

Dan: Hey, buddy. You might fool children and Chris here. But we both know that magic is a scam. Now give my friend his necklace back.

Magnifico the Magnificent: Abra Cadabra! [shows up with an underwear]

Dan: Wait, those look like- [looks in his pants]

Magnifico the Magnificent: Abra Cadabra! [disappears and drives away]

Dan: Hey! I know you're in there!

Chris: It's no use, Dan. You can't fight a magician.

Dan: For the last time, magic is not real!

Chris: [holding a stick with an underwear] So, this isn't your underwear?

---

[Chris and Dan are chained up]

Chris: Dan? Dan? Dan!

Dan: Wha-- where am l?

Chris: Magnifico did magic on you.

Dan: He did not!

Chris: He did! He stopped you dead in your tracks. It was magic, real magic.

The Lemonade Stand Gang [1.22]

Timmy: Hey, mister. Lemonade?

Chris: No, thanks, buddy. I just bought one, remember?

Timmy: I do not. Do you remember this guy buying anything?

Moose: I don't remember nothin', boss.

Timmy: Watch your double negatives, Moose.

Moose: Sorry, boss.

Chris: Okay, kids. This has been fun, but I have to go. Come on, kids. I-- [gets splashed] Ahh! Hey! Look, you can't just bully people like this, you little hooligan.

Timmy: What did you call us? Dolores!

[the Lemonade Stand Gang starts to beat up Chris]

Chris: Look, why can't you just leave me alone?

---

Elise: [comes inside the classroom] May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents. [plays a video of the Lemonade Stand Gang] Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady. And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.

Timmy's Mom: Is that my Timmy?

Elise: And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.

[everyone can see The Lemonade Stand Gang destroying a car from the window outside]

Timmy's Mom: Timmy! Stop that at once!

Timmy: Mom? Uh, I can explain.

Timmy's Mom: Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making a thousand dollars a week.

Timmy: Mom?

Timmy's Mom: Well, no more! All that money is going to charity.

Timmy: Nooo!

Lady: It was all Timmy's idea.

Man: I regret nothing!

[all The Lemonade Stand Gang parents pick up their kids and their cars drive away]

Season 2

The Family Thanksgiving [2.01]

[Dan walks to the store and gets items he needs as he gets ready to call Chris]

Chris: Hello?

Dan: Greetings, drone. Any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.

Chris: Thursday, wh- oh Dan... please don't tell me you forgot.

Dan: How could I forget? I love our little Thanksgiving tradition. I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs, so there you go. I have forgotten nothing. Thanksgiving is saved. Hurrah and 3 cheers for me!

Chris: Dan...

Dan: At least 1 chance-

Chris: Dan!

Dan: STOP YELLING AT ME, I'M AT THE STORE! [everyone glares at him] Now look, you've caused a scene. Everything's fine, folks. I've gotten him under control. Go back to consuming. People, huh? No manners these days.

Chris: You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right?

Dan: WHAT?!

Chris: I can't believe you forgot. I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.

Dan: No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox!

Chris: Dan, calm down!

Dan: CALM DOWN?! When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you?

Chris: Don't be absurd.

Dan: What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur- and -ken are mellifluously delectable.

Chris: I'll make it next year, but Dan-

Dan: Next year? NEXT YEAR?! [kicks the cart] I'll show you next year. You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance!

Chris: Insurance?

Dan: BECAUSE I'M GONNA BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!!! [gets kicked out of the store]

Chris: Dan? Hey, Dan!

Dan: FAMILY THANKSGIVIIIIIIIIIING!!!

---

Dan: This sucks! We've been in the car for DAYS!

Elise: Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.

Dan: Well... why don't your stupid parents just move closer?

Elise: They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.

Chris: And then a chainsaw slasher.

Dan: Ah, yeah. Good times...

The Mall Santa [2.02]

Chris: This is so humiliating. They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice. Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.

Dan: Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly think less of you. But you might want to put your snowman head back on.

Chris: Did she see me?

Dan: I don't think so.

Chris: Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.

Dan: Chris, that is not in the Christmas spirit! Now come and help me annihilate Santa!

---

Chris: He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.

Mall Santa: I hate Christmas.

Chris: I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!

Mall Santa: It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.

Chris: That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.

Mall Santa: This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.

Chris: Oh.

Mall Santa: Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?

Chris: Probably.

The Neighbors [2.03]

Chris: Let me help you with that.

Jason: Whew. Thanks.

Chris: No problem. Moving in?:

Jennifer: That's right, yeah- just got here from Iowa. I'm Jennifer, this is Jason.

Chris: Chris.

Jason: Nice to meet you.

Dan: [opens the door as he whispers] Chris! Chris! Don't talk to them! They're evil! Eeeevillll!

Chris: Have you met Dan?

Jason: Not officially, no. Hi, there! I'm-

[Dan closes the door in front of him]

Chris: Well, good luck living next to Dan. And I really mean that.

[Dan opens the door and drags Chris inside his apartment]

---

[Dan opens the door and sees Jason, he tries to close the door but Jason puts his shoe blocking the door]

Jason: Hey there, Dan.

Dan: You leave me alone! I spent all day rolling around in noxious chemicals, so I'd taste terrible!

Jason: Uh. Okay. I came over here because my wife saw a prowler outside the window today.

Dan: So? What makes you think I had anything to do with that? You can't come over here and accuse me, I have lawyers!

Jason: I was actually letting you know that we're having security bars installed on our windows.

Dan: Noted. Goodbye!

Jason: They're running a 2-for-1 special at the security store, so we'll be having them installed on our windows, too! [Dan slams the door and hears him from outside] No thanks necessary!

Dancing [2.04]

Dan: Chris! Get over here-

Chris: [answering machine] I'm not in right now, so leave a message.

Dan: Where are you?! We were supposed to be watching a marathon of Pay Cable Prison Drama! Mr. Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense! 'Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- [machine beeps] You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me! You stay here, Mr. Mumbles. I'm going to go hit Chris where he lives, HIS HOUSE. [sees Crunch dancing outside of the apartment] What are you doing here, you moron?

Crunch: One man flash mob, bra.

Dan: [walks up to him] A mob implies a group. You are but along dumdum. [Crunch goes up on Dan's car] Hey! Get off my car! You'd better run!

Crunch: [runs off] Alright!

Dan: What is going on with all this dancing malarky? [drives to Chris and Elise's house and sees them dancing from their window] Chris too? [opens the door] What are you doing?

Chris: Dancing! [Dan breaks the vase] Dan!

Elise: We're practicing for Swing til the Spring, an endurance spring dance contest. You are not invited. Get out of our house.

[Dan grabs the statue and breaks it]

Chris: Hey!

---

Chris: What exactly do you mean by the "epicenter of fight dancing"?

Elise: [while explaining the backstory of Pembroke] Many years ago, a culture of dance, never before seen in this hemisphere, descended on a small town call Pembroke. This precipitous happening brought a lot of dance industry jobs to town. It became an immediate international hub for the evolution of dance. In fact, they called it 'the home of the dance'. They even had a sign made. But just as suddenly as the movement came, it was gone. And with it, went all of the jobs, the hope, and yes, even the soul of that poor little town, leaving behind only a scattered and direction-less few who, eventually... went feral. The dance devolved into what is now known around the hushed valleys of the region as 'fight dancing'. After decades of a savage, scavenger existence and unrepentant inbreeding, the townsfolk had all collectively gone quite mad.

Chris: And you sure you send Dan there?

Elise: I'm sure he'll fit right in.

The Bank [2.05]

Chris: You have to calm down.

Dan: [angrily] I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!

Chris: Dan, that's disgusting! And impractical!

Dan: Oh, you have a better idea?

Chris: How about NOT eating their children!

Dan: You have no vision. That vexes me! But not as much as being out 50 cents. OH! We're gonna rob the bank.

Chris: That... is one of the worst ideas you've ever had, and you've had some doozies!

Dan: Name one! And don't say the jetpack, because that's gonna be awesome. [goes inside the car]

Chris: You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from?

Dan: Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and ROB the place!

Chris: Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you!

Dan: Don't be so stubborn! Hey, what kind of mask do you wanna wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.

Chris: I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you--

Dan: Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.

---

[Dan is drilling]

Elise: Dan, we need to go!

Dan: I'm not leaving!

Elise: His choice, let's move.

Chris: We can't leave Dan.

Elise: You're right, he knows too much.

Chris: And he's our friend.

Elise: Sure. Sure, that too.

Chris: I'll grab him.

The Monster Under the Bed [2.06]

Dan: [as he and Chris enter his apartment] Stay in front of me. If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you. Well?

Chris: I'm sure it was a very scary dream, Dan.

Dan: It wasn't a dream! It was right here!

Chris: Well, I'd check the closet, but I don't think there's room for a monster, what with all the garbage and everything.

Dan: It's not garbage until I throw it out!

Chris: I'm going home. [walks away]

Dan: Coward! Wait! Can we stay with you?

Chris: For how long? Until your imaginary monster leaves?

Dan: What are we suppose to do? Sleep in the car?

Chris: There's no monster under your bed, Dan. [leaves]

Dan: Is so!

---

Dan: Monsters. They live under your bed, but they never kick in for the rent.

Chris: Are you ready to listen to me now? That creature was identical to the one in the book.

Dan: I'll admit, there was some passing resemblance.

Chris: If you don't get rid of that thing, it's going to devour you.

Dan: I just don't understand why he started terrorizing me. What did I ever do to Agsagoth?

Chris: [stops the car and shows Dan a page of the book] Does this look familiar?

Dan: No. Should it? [he and Chris both get out of the car]

Chris: This is the scratch you put in our car last week.

Dan: Allegedly.

Chris: Not allegedly, Dan. Actually. The scratch is identical to the Ancient Sumerian symbol. It must have caught the attention of Agsagoth the Devourer.

Dan: So? Fix it.

Chris: Dan! If you have read the book, you'd know it needs to be you that fixes the scratch, since you put it there.

Dan: Allegedly!

Chris: You called this creature here, and now it's marked you. Have you forgotten the next steps?

Dan: Physical agony, the mark changes, the beast eats me, blah, blah, blah.

Chris: So, do you want to get rid of the monster or not?

Dan: Of course I do! But I don't see how a scratch on YOUR car- [Dan's stomach growls] Ohh! My guts!

Chris: It's the second step! Let me see your forehead!

Dan: Let go, lummax.

Chris: Uh, Dan. Look.

Dan: How am I suppose to look at my own forehead, you jerk! [Chris lifts him and puts him in the car]

Chris: Okay, now look.

Dan: [sees his scratch in the mirror] Oh, come on!

Golf [2.07]

Dan: Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr. Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme!

Chris: I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf. It's my new hobby!

Dan: For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick!

Mr. Bainbridge: [comes by] Hey C-man - is this vagrant bothering you?

Chris: Uh, no sir. Dan, this is my boss, Mr. Bainbridge. Mr. Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.

Mr. Bainbridge: Son, that is not why it's called a driving range. [chuckles]

Dan: Chris, I am going to count to 3. 1, [A golf ball smashes his car's windshield] WHO DID THAT?! I want a name! [he gets hit by a golf ball] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLF!!!

---

Elise: OK, Dan. I never thought I'd say this, but you were right. We need to break Chris of his golf habit. [Dan mumbles] What do you mean, "eh?"

Dan: I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you. But now, I see golf for what it really is. Massages, jaccuzzis, and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.

Elise: You really think some rich slob can replace Chris?

Dan: Can and has. [walks away]

The Gym [2.08]

Elise: So Dan, this is our new gym. What do you think?

Dan: I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere!

Chris: They're called stationary bikes.

Elise: It's to get your heart rate up.

Dan: That sounds dangerously irresponsible! I'm leaving. [he tries to leave but Chris grabs him] Get your sticky paws off me!

Chris: Give the gym a chance. You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.

Dan: That was said in confidence!

---

Dan: GYYY-OHHHH!! [ends up getting a pain so he wheezes instead] Gyyyyyyyyym...

The Wedding [2.09]

[Dan is hanging out with Hortence and her friends]

Hortence: This is the best bridal shower ever, you guys.

Red Girl: You are going to make such a beautiful bride.

Blonde Girl: I love the china pattern you picked out. Don't you Dan?

Dan: Huh? Oh, sure. China pattern. Hortence, have you really thought about what you're doing?

Hortence: Uh, like, of course.

Dan: I mean, there's such a big age difference between you two. Have you read the statistics about these things working out?

Blonde Girl: Dan!

Dan: Or the statistical probability that someone who eats burgers for every meal is going to make it past 50?

Hortence: Jeremiah's as healthy as a horse.

Dan: And why is he marrying someone so much younger, anyway? I think he's hiding something. Maybe you should call off the wedding until you figure out what it is. Just sayin'.

Red Girl: Oh, he's doing a roast! [laughs] How funny!

Hortence: Oh! Okay. For a second there, I thought you were being really mean for no reason.

Dan: I was just pointing out-

Blonde Girl: You know what we should do? Give Dan a makeover!

Dan: What? No.

Hortence: Yes!

Red Girl: Too much fun!

Dan: [voiceover] I DON'T WANT A MAKEOVER! [outside, Chris picks him up and his face is covered with makeup by Hortence and the girls] You laugh, I attack.

Chris: So, how was the bridal shower? [Dan punches him] Stop it! You're getting your makeup on me!

Dan: It's not my makeup! This was done against my will!

Chris: It's a good look for you.

Dan: Not 1 more word. They rouged me, Chris. I have been rouged! This is war.

Chris: And hey, you've already got your war paint. [Dan punches him]

---

[Dan and Chris are at Hortence's wedding]

Chris: Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]

Dan: There's no time for that!

Chris: There's always time for shrimp puffs.

Dan: I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.

Chris: Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.

Jeremiah: Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.

Chris: [to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!

[Dan captures a man as he covers him with a bag and puts him in the closet punching him]

Hortence: There's my bridesman!

Dan: Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.

Jeremiah: Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!

Dan: You sir are a fraud!

[everyone gasps]

Jeremiah: What?!

Chris: Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.

[Dan walks up to Hortence]

Hortence: Dan, what are you doing?

Dan: I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.

Jeremiah: I most certainly have not!

Dan: He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.

Hortence: Did you think I didn't know that!

Dan: Uh, what?

Hortence: I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]

Dan: Oh.

Jeremiah: This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.

[Dan gets kicked out by 2 men from the wedding]

Dan: Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.

Hortence: [comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.

Dan: Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--

Hortence: [angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!

Dan: That's not how I feel about you!

The Catburglar [2.10]

[Dan gets ready to meet with Miss O'Houlihan]

Dan: What are you selling?

Miss O'Houlihan: I'm not a saleswoman, I'm your neighbor and just now I came home to find my cat Poopsie stalling. [whines and freaks out]

Dan: I'm very sorry to hear that. Mrs.

Miss O'Houlihan: Miss O'Houlihan. Honey O'Houlihan. Nice to meet you.

Dan: I'm Dan. In speaking of me, why are you telling me this?

Miss O'Houlihan: I've seen you around the neighborhood with your cat. Did you understand each other like no human and feline I've ever seen. [feels Mr. Mumbles] I'm begging for your help. I've got nowhere else to turn. See?

---

Chris: Why can't we just call Honey and warn her instead?

Dan: Because I forgot to get her number.

The Dinosaur [2.11]

Dan: A dinosaur, [finds out that his car was destroyed] JUST RUINED MY CAR! YOU BETTER HAVE GOOD INSURANCE! Wait. Where are you going? We have to exchange information!

---

Chris: [finds Dan outside] Dan! Are you alright?

Dan: Absolutely not. I have been wronged Chris. Horribly, horribly, wrong!

Chris: Yeah, sorry about that. Ben's just-

Dan: By a dinosaur.

Chris: Learning to- What?

Dan: I saw it with my own eyes. And I trust my eyes, Chris. A mid-sized tyrannosaurid theropod, probably female. She ruined my car and she's going to pay. I haven't figured out how exactly because I doubt a T-Rex carries a wallet. Not with those- stupid little arms.

Chris: You don't seriously expect me to believe you saw a dinosaur, do you?

Dan: Since when do I care what to believe? I just need a ride.

Chris: I'm in the middle of giving Ben a driving lesson.

Dan: Which is clearly a huge success. Besides, you hate Ben. You always talk about how annoying he is behind his back.

Chris: I do not. I don't.

Ben: Whatever, fatso.

Chris: I am giving Ben a lesson because I love my brother-in law and because Elise has a work thing.

Dan: This is perfect! Ben needs to drive around town, I need to get around town. Question is: are you willing to drive fast, break the law as necessary and avoid dinosaur attacks?

Ben: I mean, I've avoided them up to now.

Chris: Dan, Ben can't have any distractions while he's driving. That includes chasing your hallucinations.

Dan: Get in, Ben. There's no room in this car for doubting Thomases.

[Ben gets inside Chris' car]

Chris: I don't know what you think you saw, but it's scientifically impossible for dinosaurs to exist.

Stupidity [2.12]

Governor: Well, hello. My fellow Californians. I'll get right to it. Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to 3 months. Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet. So, uh, that's happening. [laughs] Yes sir.

Man: Mr. Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education?

Governor: Are you saying you WANT higher taxes?

Man: I'm just asking if the school system will be able to--

Governor: I don't know about that, son. I just let the teachers teach. Because unlike you, I believe in America.

---

Governor: Uh, maybe I can help you with that. [laughs]

Dan: Finally.

Chris: You're Eminence.

Dan: What are you doing?

Chris: I don't know what the correct greeting is for a governor. Do you curtsy?

Governor: So, uh, why are you assaulting my work release volunteer?

Dan: That is not important. I am a constituent and I have some grievances. Which you, as an elected official, are legally required to listen to and resolve.

Chris: I don't think he's legally-

Governor: Of course, son. I'd, well, I'd love to hear your complaints.

Dan: Thank you. First of all-

Governor: Just e-mail them to my office and I promise they'll be read.

Dan: [yelling] BY WHOM, THIS GUY?!

Agent Bro-face: Like I can read.

Dan: That's not good enough. I demand immediate and comprehensive attention.

Governor: Oh I can do that.

[Dan and Chris get kicked out of the Action Center for Action by the Governor]

Dan: Well, I'm sure not voting for that guy again.

The Telemarketer [2.13]

Elise: They can mess with Dan all they want. But call MY house? I don't think so.

Dan: 67 voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails?

Chris: I kind of miss telemarketing. Good hours, steady work until they outsourced all the call center positions.

Dan: Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts!

Elise: It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.

Dan: Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?!

Chris: Good cocoa takes time.

Elise: I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.

Dan: That could take forever!

Elise: Let the record show I was done before Chris.

Chris: Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa?

Elise: Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.

Dan: I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.

Elise: You'll be about 87 hundred miles off, then.

Dan: How do you mean?

Elise: They outsourced to Reseda.

Chris: What? That's just 10 miles away. I would have commuted there.

Dan: Come on, guys. It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives!

Elise: As long as we're back by brunch. [leaves]

Dan: Are you coming?

Chris: [angrily] You do NOT ask me to make cocoa in the middle of the night and then leave before it's ready!

Dan: But -

Chris: SIT DOWN!

[next, Dan, Chris, and Elise are drinking hot chocolate together]

Dan: [satisfied] Okay, that's really good.

---

[Dan talks to the police officer at the police station]

Police Officer: Run this by me 1 more time.

Dan: Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.

Police Officer: While you were in jail?

Dan: No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.

Police Officer: So he's you?

Dan: No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.

Police Officer: And then he attacked you?

Dan: Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!

Police Officer: Because?

Dan: He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!

Police Officer: I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.

Telemarketer: [voiceover] Which means none, of course.

Dan: Did you hear that?

Police Officer: Uh, hear what?

Telemarketer: [voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.

Dan: [yelling] You leave me alone!

Police Officer: With pleasure. That door's that way.

Dan: [yelling] I'm not talking to you!

Telemarketer: [voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.

Dan: [yelling] You're a jerk!

Police Officer: Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.

Dan: I said, [yelling] I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to the telemarketer!

Police Officer: Oh, so he's here now?

Dan: No! Yes! I mean- No.

Telemarketer: [voiceover] That was very smooth.

Dan: [yelling] SHUT UP! [the police officer kicks him out of the police station]

Telemarketer: [voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!

Dan: [yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!

Chris: Hey Dan. What's new?

Dan: He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!

Elise: You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?

Dan: Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.

Elise: Dan, do you trust me?

Dan: OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]

Reality TV [2.14]

Director: [appears outside] What are you still doing here?

Dan: [throw pillows on the director's face] We've decided to beat you to death with throw pillows.

Director: Wait, to death? Stop! You don't have to do this.

Dan: Yes I do. Reality TV is the worst entertainment medium since witch-burning. If you want to entertain people, why don't you try making a real show? With fictional characters who live in impossibly convenient worlds?

Director: Hey, we'd all love to write a real show. But it's hard. I don't have any ideas.

Dan: Really? I have drawers full of stuff that could be on TV. Oh well. [pillow fights with the director]

Director: Wait, wait, wait wait! I have a thought. Look, all I want to do is produce television. If you've got better ideas, I will cancel every reality show on my roster. Come to my estate for lunch tomorrow. We'll talk.

---

[Dan is making a recipe]

Kelly: I love a guy who can cook! What are you making?

Dan: If you must know, a bomb.

Kelly: Wow! My grandma used to make those! Chocolate-cherry or peach-praline?

Dan: Nitroglycerin.

Kelly: I don't think I've ever tried that one.

Dan: And you never will. Because I'm about to incinerate every inch of this house. THEN HOW WILL YOU DO YOUR STUPID SHOW, BUDDY? [laughs eviliy]

Kelly: Oh, I get it. You're just mad because you found out the grand prize is just a trip to Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.

Dan: What? Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp?

Kelly: Yeah, pretty lame, huh?

Parents [2.15]

Dan: [finds a quarter in the fountain] Yes! A quarter! Things are finally looking up. Ugggh. [sees a naked baby] What is wrong with parents today?

Jean: There you are, Kale. Are you enjoying your frolic?

Dan: I demand answers. Why isn't this savage wearing pants like the rest of us?

Flynn: We subscribe to Dr. Davis-Siegel's child-led method of parenting.

Jean: I'm Jean Goodhill. This is my soul mate, Flynn Goodhill.

Flynn: Namaste.

Dan: Back off, weirdos! And while you're at it, clothe your youngin'!

Jean: Sir, I think what you need is a hug. Kale! Get in there, buddy!

Dan: Wait! No! [splashes in the fountain as Kale is about to give him a hug]

---

Dan: [to Dennis] Never let take your shiv, kid, that's how you get punked.

Gigundo-Mart [2.16]

Dan: [makes an annoucement on the microphone] Attention sample gobblers, and you! The guy with his face in the 29 cent pizza! This is a public service announcement. Exposure to Gigundo-Mart may cause dizziness, headache, nausea, and an unnatural attraction to bison or elk- [he ends up getting choked by the greeter]

Gigundo-Mart Greeter: [has Dan in a neck-lock] I learned this move on the [cough], on the beaches of Normandy.

Dan: Shooting out or shooting in? [the old man kicks him out and he sees the sign of Gigundo-Mart] You shut up!

---

[Dan heads to Ninja Dave's Cookies]

Dan: Out of the way! I need a chewey chipster stat! Hey, where is everybody? [finds Wolf-Man sitting down]

Wolf-Man: At Gigundo-Mart, they sell a cookie the size of a manhole cover or 50 cents.

Dan: What?!!

Wolf-Man: Yeah, Ninja Dave is in back crying. He gonna have to close too.

Dan: GIGUNDO-MAR- Oh wait! I already did that. It was one thing when they took away my explosives. But if they want my cookies, they'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers. I can't believe you don't have any explosives left.

Wolf-Man: Well.

Dan: Well what?! You holding out on me?

Wolf-Man: There is my private reserve. But I was saving it for the in-laws.

Dan: Fine. I guess you're prepared to live in a world without chocolate chip ninja-doodles. [walks away]

Chris [2.17]

Chris: [comes in] Behold the deadly elegance of the death ray.

Dan: [takes the death ray away from Chris] You can leave now, Chris. I'd like some time alone with my new toy.

Chris: YOUR new toy? Dan, I was the one who called in and answered the trivia question.

Dan: You wouldn't have even known about the contest if I didn't tell you about it. PLUS I was the one who introduced you to Space Monkeys in the 1st place!

Chris: I won the contest fair and square. The Death ray is mine.

Dan: Is this really how you want to treat your best friend? After all I've done for you? [throws the pizza box to Chris as he leaves]

Chris: Ow! [he catches his death ray as it drops]

Dan: Be careful! You could have broken my precious death ray!

Chris: Don't come any closer. I'll drop it. I swear.

Dan: You wouldn't!

Chris: You sure you want to find out? Sorry, Dan. This is my death ray. And you can't have it! [in a normal voice] Feel free to visit it though. [leaves Dan's apartment with his death ray]

Dan: DAAAGH! [breaks the pizza box over his knee and storms outside] CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!

---

[Chris and Elise go into their room and see Dan sawing through the wall as he tries to get the death ray out of the wall]

Dan: Hey folks! Almost done here, I'll be our of your hair in no time.

Elise: What are you doing?!

Dan: Reclaiming what is rightfully mine.

Chris: [angrily] What is wrong with you?! First you stink up my house, and now you cut it in half?

Elise: All because you're too selfish to let your best friend keep the measly little toy he won?

Dan: I'll have you know that measly little toy saved the entire human race from being enslaved by SPACE YETIS!

Chris: Technically, it was the monkeys that were first enslaved.

Elise: I know, Chris. You explained it to me on our wedding night.

Dan: As much as I'm enjoying this chit-chat, I do have work to do. [as he continues sawing through the wall to get the death ray out, Elise angrily kicks him out of their house] This isn't over! [Elise also throws a skunk at him too]

Wild West Town [2.18]

[Dan walks inside Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor]

Lady: Welcome to Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor. Y'all want a table or a booth?

Chris: This place looks fun.

Dan: Fun? A saloon is supposed to be dangerous. A place where men risk death just to order a drink.

Chris: Ooh! Root beer floats! [Dan drags him out]

---

Chris: [after Dan defeated the manager] Congratulations, Dan. For a second there, I thought you were done for. But then, bam, what a twist!

Season 3

Anger Management [3.01]

Amber: I know how you're feeling, Dan. We've all been there too.

Dan: Oh, sure. Cute girls with PhD's have all the problems.

Amber: Everyone has anger. Right guys?

Francine: I'll say!

Bert: I beat up the Dalai Lama.

Amber: The trick is learning to control your rage, so it doesn't control you.

Dan: Sounds unsatisfying. How about instead, we all go in on a flamethrower? Who's with me?

Amber: Maybe it's a little early to jump right into group. Let's start with some basic psychological testing.

Dan: They're going to put us in a maze and make us find cheese. If we don't do it in time, they zap us with electricity. [leaves]

Chris: [outside] What kind of cheese?

---

Amber: Chris? Is there anything that makes you disproportionately angry?

Chris: I don't like being hit in the face, that makes me angry. Is that okay?

The Mummy [3.02]

Dan: Sup? SUP! [talking to the mummy] You broke into my apartment, messed with my Mr. Mumbles and stole my personal toiletries, that's what's up! Get him, Chris!

Chris: Why me?

Dan: Because you're the Chris.

Mummy: Look, I don't want any trouble.

Dan: Do I have to do everything?

Mummy: Hey, hey, ow, what the heck, bro?

[Dan puts the mummy back in the mummy box and tapes it]

Dan: There! Vengence, thy name is Dan.

Chris: Great. Can we go now?

Dan: Sure. Hold these.

Chris: Why?

Dan: Because if I get caught with them, I'll go to jail.

---

Chris: What are you doing here?

Mummy: I dunno, I just got excavated, you guys seemed cool. I thought we could hang.

Dan: Hang! Hang! You stole my toilet paper!

Mummy: Yeah, bro. My bad. Though you can't really blame that on me though, you're the only one in a hundred miles with rolls of Egyptian cotton just laying around. I needed a touch up.

The Boss [3.03]

Dan: Dan's log, 1:03:27 of my imprisonment I have escaped my cell, and am now gathering intelligence. [narrating] First, I have discovered that one can spend great amounts of time in the restroom without arousing suspicion. Though unfortunately, there are limited time-killing activities to be had there. Perhaps not surprisingly, the longer I stay in the bathroom, the less likely anyone is to ask "why" upon my return. So far, my best camouflage has been simply sitting at my desk, staring at the computer screen.

The Boss: That's what I like to see. Work smarter, not harder.

Dan: [narrating] Though it's very easy to lose consciousness. [puts his head down and screams] Finally, crude weapons can be forged from the materials at hand and it does provide some passing amusement to use my fellow office drones for target practice. [whispers] Hey! [aims the rubber band ball at the worker] However, those that share my dismal situation are the enemy. There is one enemy, and she is-

The Boss: [pops up behind Dan] Right behind you.

Dan: [scared] Whaa!

The Boss: Get back to your desk!

Dan: [pops up at Chris' work area] I'm going over the wall.

Chris: Wha-what? What wall?

Dan: Catch me! [he falls down on Chris as the computer unplugs]

Chris: [feeling his stomach] Can't breathe!

Dan: I'll send you a postcard from freedomville! [crawls away]

Chris: Ow! Hey!

[when Dan is trying to find a way to escape, he finds The Boss standing in front of him]

Dan: Ow, Hey!

The Boss: Can you explain why I found these in the trash can? [drops the files on the floor]

Dan: Yes, I can. I threw them away because I didn't feel like filing them. [The Boss steps on his hand] Ow!

The Boss: I really should get rid of you, but some part of me enjoys watching you suffer here.

Dan: Ow!

The Boss: So I'm going to give you 1 more chance.

---

[Dan is on the phone having a split screen chat with a dumb costumer]

Dumb Customer: Hello.

Dan: Hello, sir. You are past due on your payment for "Rat Fancy" magazine.

Dumb Customer: So what? I ain't payin'. You go ahead and cancel my prescription.

Dan: Yes sir, but we still need to collect payment on the issues you've received.

Dumb Customer: Nuh-uh. I said CANCEL MY PRESCRIPTION, you idiot!

Dan: Subscription.

Dumb Customer: Don't you correctify me! [hangs up]

[Dan press the redial button, and talks to the dumb costumer again]

Dumb Customer: Hello?

Dan: Listen up, brain trust. I have your address. Do you understand what that means? I know where you live. Where you sleep. [yelling] AND I WILL FIND YOU, YOU MOUTH BREATHER, AND WHEN I DO, I WILL RAM MY FIST... DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID... THROAT!

Chris: Dan!!

Dan: [still yelling] I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES... RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY, AND I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! [he realizes that everyone is starting at him and The Boss is standing behind him] Ah, personal call.

The Mechanic [3.04]

Mechanic Mike: [opens the garage] What are you guys doing in my shop?

Elise: When I said "hide," TWICE, how could I have made that more clear?

Mechanic Mike: Hey, where's my dog? Don't you play the victim with me!

Dan: We can go back and forth all night about who set who's dog free.

Mechanic Mike: You did what?!

Dan: But I know you've been replacing my engine with junk!

---

Mechanic Mike: You know, Dan, you put up your car, you won the fight. Technically you could have owned this shop.

Dan: Keep it. What would I do with a mechanical shop? Besides, crushing Elise was reward enough.

Elise: You got lucky! You little--!

Chris: Whoa, whoa! All's well that ends well, right?

Mechanic Mike: And trust me, better to get out before you get hooked. Thank you, Dan. You saved my business.

Dan: You don't have to thank me, Mechanic Mike. But you DO have to fix my car whenever it breaks, and never charge me a penny.

[Chris, Elise, and Mechanic Mike walk away after Dan drives off]

Mechanic Mike: Huh. Guess I forgot to- [Dan's car explodes] Yeah, that's the thromdibulator.

Dan: [yelling] MECHANIC!

[Mechanic Mike throws the thromdibular to the ground as he Elise, and Chris walk away while Dan's car is caught on fire]

The High School Reunion [3.05]

Dan: I spent my teenage years constantly ridiculed. Then I'd get to school and it was even worse.

---

Elise: Dan! How did you get here?

Dan: If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.

Chris: What?

Dan: That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.

Elise: Only because I love you.

Dan: Ew cooties. Break it up. I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside. Chris, do that stupid fight song. You know "rah rah, whoo whoo". The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.

Elise: I thought it was peppy.

Chris: Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag. But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater. [sees his friends walk by] It's Perry and Rajneesh. From the A.V. club. Hey guys! [runs over to them]

Elise: Come in, Dan. No one's looking.

Dan: [comes in from the window] I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and--- [Elise grabs him and puts him inside the locker] Ow!

Elise: Chris is going to make new friends tonight. Friends who call before they come over. Who returns the things they barrow. Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol. [punches the locker and walks away]

Dan: [inside the locker] Trapped in a locker? This is just like high school!

The Common Cold [3.06]

Doctor: Well, you're sick.

Dan: Guess you were right. I'll have to buy you a drink at Bingo.

Doctor: Dan, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a pretty bad case of the common cold. A cold is a viral infection in the upper respiratory tract.

Chris: Are you telling me you've never had a cold before?

Dan: I happen to lead a very healthy lifestyle. [sneezes]

Doctor: Dan, if you want to get over this thing, you must avoid physical exertion.

Dan: No problem, I've been avoiding it my whole life.

Doctor: That means no bingo.

Dan: No bingo?!

---

Doctor: Well, sorry, there's no cure for the common cold. [walks away]

Chris: Told ya.

Dan: What are you talking about?! If modern science can cure a ham, you can cure a common cold.

Doctor: With all of the life threatening diseases that are yet to be cured, there's isn't the manpower nor the resources to exhaust on such a mild virus.

Dan: Oh, I get it. You're lazy. [takes the stethoscope away from the doctor]

Doctor: Hey! Where are you going with my stethoscope?

Dan: To do what you should have done a long time ago. I'm going to cure the common cold! [leaves]

Chris: [gives the doctor his money] For the stethoscope. [leaves]

The DMV [3.07]

[Dan gets pulled over when a police officer shows up]

Police Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Dan: No, officer. I wasn't speeding and my hands never stayed from the 10 and 2 position. Not even when I sneezed.

Police Officer: Your plates have expired. License and registration.

Dan: [while looking for his license and registration] Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt. What's this? Hey, Ninja Dave's receipt.

Police Officer: How about we start with your license? [Dan gives his license to him] Bad hair day, huh?

Dan: I'm sorry, did I get pulled over by the fashion police?

Police Officer: This license is expired.

Dan: But my voter registration is completely up to date. Good citizen.

Police Officer: I'll have to write you a "fix-it" ticket. You'll need to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles and get this all sorted out.

Dan: This is an outrage! I demand you tear up that ticket at once!

Police Officer: Stay in your car, sir!

Dan: I will not! My friend Chris pays taxes and those taxes pay your salary! [the officer sprays pepper in his face] Pepper spray? Really? Do I look like a five year-old?

Police Officer: Sir, if you don't calm down, I'll be happy to upgrade to my nightstick.

Dan: But I wasn't doing anything wrong!

Police Officer: Hey, I don't make the rules. Blame the DMV.

Dan: DMV!

Police Officer: Ooh, and I am going to have cite you for noise violation. [gives Dan another ticket for noise violation and drives away]

---

Dan: I need to renew my license.

Hence: Wow. That's a bad hair day.

Dan: I had just woken up in a dumpster in Sacramento. It was a bad day all around.

Hence: I'll need to see some I.D. This is expired.

Dan: Hence, the need to renew it.

Hence: I need something current, with your picture, your name, and the date.

Chris: Hey, I've got something. [gives Hence a picture of Dan]

Dan: Why do you have my mug shot?

Chris: This one looks so adorable I, just had to keep it.

Hence: [hands Dan a pile of papers] Fill these out, bring them back with the correct documentation. Thank you!

The Ski Trip [3.08]

Chris: There's nothing like a great ski trip! Just you, me, the snow and-

Dan: Can we get some heat back here?

Elise: And Dan.

Dan: If I get frost bite, you're buying me new toes.

Chris: Well it was either bring him along or risk him sabotaging the trip.

Dan: Obviously. Do you know how it feels to be left behind? And besides, why wouldn't you bring me? I love skiing. [sees a lot of people skiing] Wait...what are these people doing?

Chris: Uh, they're skiing.

Dan: THIS is skiing? What's the one where you shoot clay discs with a rifle?

Elise: You mean skeet shooting?

Dan: Yeah! That's the one I like! I despise skiing.

Chris: Have you ever tried it?

Dan: You know how I feel about trying things.

Chris: Well, I guess we should have known better. Shall we pack it up and go?

Elise: Hold on. It's just a 1 night trip. Dan, you can survive 1 night. And why don't you make the most of it? Skiing's a lot of fun.

Dan: If you want to dress up like an astronaut and get a concussion that's your business, but I didn't take my stupid pills this morning, so if you think-- [cut to him, Chris, and Elise at the ski lift] --that I'm going to strand myself at the top of a mountain with those snow hippies, you are very wrong.

Chris: Well, we're almost to the top, so you may as well give it a shot. [he and Elise leave to ski]

Dan: How do you stop this thing? Hurling myself down a mountain at terminal velocity goes against every natural instinct in my body. And that guy's.

Chris: It's easy. If you want to go forward, just make your skis look like french fries. See? And if you want to stop, you just make your skis look like pizza.

Dan: Is there anything that doesn't remind you of food?

Chris: Speaking of which, I've already worked up a bit of an appetite. I wonder if you can tell if the snack bar is open from up here.

Dan: Uh, Chris? Chris? [goes down skiing]

Chris: Yeah?

Dan: Where's the emergency brake on this thing?

Little Girl: Mommy, mommy take my picture! Take my-- [gets caught with Dan] Mommy!!!

Dan: Man, this place is a death tra-AAH! SKIIII TRRRIIIPPP!!! [falls down and lands in the snow] Ow ow ow!

---

[Dan and Elise are at a cabin together]

Dan: [takes a sip of his hot chocolate] Man, this is peaceful. [breaks his drink] I hate it.

Elise: Dan!

Dan: No TV, no cell phone service, no thank you! You can take a cab home. I'm getting out of here right now. [opens the door as snow falls] What's this nonsense?

Elise: Looks like a blizzard. Which means Chris is stranded with a bunch of strangers and I'm stuck here with you.

Dan: A blizzard? You think a bunch of flakey water is gonna stop ME? [closes the door but opens again as he gets icicles on his nose] OK. I've got icicles in my nose.

Elise: I told you, the only thing you can do with a storm like this is wait it out. And by these look of these clouds, it could be a while. Maybe even all night.

Dan: All night? Oh no. No, no, no, no. I agreed to try skiing, I agreed to sip your cocoa, I even let you tie me up and gag me, but there is no way, and I mean NO WAY, I am staying in this meat locker for an entire night! [he wakes up from the chair and gets the keys] So long, Elise. I hope you choke on a big pile of- [opens the door and finds out that snow is coming from outside] Snow!

Jury Duty [3.09]

Man: Which one of you is Dan?

Dan: Who wants to know?! The trilateral commission? Freemasons? [gets a paper about jury duty thrown on his face]

Man: L.A. Superior Court, buddy. You've been served.

Dan: Jury duty?

Man: We tried to notify you by mail, but you never responded.

Dan: I don't open mail from the government. That's what they want you to do.

Man: We'll see you in court. [walks away]

Dan: But my friends and I need to drive around until we find the aliens that abducted me! We have to make them pay for what they did! Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.

Man: You show up for jury duty, or you go to jail. Your choice.

Elise: Dan has to perform his civic duty!

Chris: Don't worry Dan. Elise and I will drive you.

Man: Elise? You're Elise?

Elise: Oh, come on!

Dan and Elise: [both yelling together] JURY DUTY!

---

Dan: Your honor, I am also in the process of giving birth. And I'm also emotionally fragile, having been recently abducted by aliens. [cut to Dan being locked in a hamster cage] Alternate juror? That's even worse! I still have to be here, but I can't send anyone to prison!

Crunch: I'm just happy to be of service to my community. By the way, that's Olaf. He doesn't speak any English.

Dan: Then how do you know what his name is?

Crunch: Oh I'm like, totally fluent in Danish. Anyway, Olaf isn't even a juror. He wandered in by mistake when he was looking for the bathroom.

Dan: I'm tunneling out. [he digs down under the cage until he gets hit at the bottom]

Crunch: Don't go yet, bro-face. They're supposed to give us food pellets in like an hour.

Dan: [pops up] Useless! Under the layer of newspaper there's just more bars.

Judge: Has the jury selected a foreman?

Elise: We have, your honor. It's me.

Chris: [cheers] Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

[Elise sighs]

Dan: [whisper-yelling] CHRIS! Hey, Chris! You've got to bust me out of here.

Chris: I'm not "busting you out" of jury duty.

Dan: Just go to my apartment, all right?! In my closet, you'll find a a plastic gun, a block of thermite, a wig, makeup, petroleum jelly-

Chris: But sadly, no clean clothes.

Judge: [clank clank] Are you trying to influence one of my jurors, or just disturbing the proceedings?

Chris: Uh, the second one? [gets kicked out of the court] I'll just wait out here, then.

Vegetables [3.10]

Dan: Where did all these farmers' markets come from, anyway? And what are all those things they're selling?

Chris: They're called vegetables, Dan. You should try them sometime.

Dan: What about me makes you think I'd have any interest in eating vegetables!

Chris: They have fruit, too.

Dan: If I want something sweet, I'll have candy. Like an adult.

Chris: Look, you can't live on just hamburgers and turkey sandwiches, Dan. It's not healthy.

Dan: I'll have you know my grandfather lived to be a hundred and 8.

Chris: Oh? Did he eat only meat and bread, as well?

Dan: No, but he MINDED HIS OWN BUSINESS! [he realizes that Burgerphile serves broccoli instead of fries] What on God's green earth is that thing? You stay back, deviant! Get away from me!

Chris: Oh, right! I read about this. In an effort to be more healthy, this month they're replacing the french fries with a different vegetable every week. This week's broccoli-palooza.

Dan: Come on, we're going to another Burgerphile.

Chris: Uh, no, it's ALL Burgerphiles. Everywhere. [Dan knocks down a plate of broccoli and heads out]

Dan: [angrily growls] Timber!

Chris: Dan! This is not okay!

---

Dan: This has been so much fun. We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.

Chris: I am rather enjoying myself. Where to next?

Dan: There's 1 last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area. We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.

Chris: What's Elise doing here?

[both vehicles stop in the middle of road]

Elise: Dan! [comes out from the car and confronts him for taking her ID] You are a dead man!

Dan: [comes out from the truck] Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal-weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important. Friendship. [Elise punches him] Ow! Jerk!

Elise: Where's my ID?

Dan: It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway. I only have 1 more farm to destroy and then I'm done. For now.

Elise: I'm taking the defoliant back, too.

Dan: But the last broccoli farm!

Elise: Let it be a lesson to you. If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason!

Dan: In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.

Elise: [angrily gets in the truck and sees Chris hiding] And you! You're not hiding!

Chris: First off, let me say I'm sorry. Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.

Elise: We will talk about it at home.

Chris: Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you?

Elise: Why do you ask?

Chris: A rookie mistake.

[Dan takes the car and drives away offscreen]

Elise: Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.

Chris: He has the keys to the truck, too.

The Superhero [3.11]

[after Dan's car got crashed]

Dan: [sees his car destroyed] You did not.

Terrifi-Guy: My bad, citizen.

Dan: BAD?! The Bubonic Plague was "bad"! THIS IS AN ATROCITY!

Terrifi-Guy: Not to worry. Most insurance covers superhero-related damages. [flies away]

Dan: I don't have insurance! Get back here!

---

[Elise steps into the garage to spot Dan and Chris as Batman and Robin Expies, Chris awkwardly crosses his legs, and she bursts into laughter]

Chris: I can explain.

Elise: [in hysterics] Actually, you know what? Never mind! I'd rather be surprised when I watch the news! [leaves]

Chris: Great. Now Elise thinks I'm an idiot.

The Family Cruise [3.12]

Chris: [sees Dan pop out from the luggage] Dan?!

Elise: Honestly, that's got to be some sort of record.

Chris: You can't tag along this time. It's a family cruise. You aren't family.

Dan: You think I want to be here? I've been hijacked, Shanghaied, Dan-napped! I am missing zombie wrestling. I gotta get off this ship before [see the cruise sailing away from the city] we set sail. Alright, fine. Today is a wash. Fortunately, the main event isn't until tomorrow.

Chris: Dan, we're not going back to shore for a week. You're stuck here.

---

Dan: [angrily as he is taped in the chair] I DIDN'T WANT TO GO ON YOUR STUPID CRUISE IN THE 1st PLACE!

Summer Camp [3.13]

Chris: [when Elise shows him an old camp photo] Camp Atrocious. Oh it was even worse than its name.

---

[last scene of the series]

Little Dan: You know what? I was wrong about summer camp. I had a blast.

Little Chris: Yeah, but now I'll never win a camp award.

Little Dan: I wouldn't be too sure, buddy. Here. I made this for you. [gives a box to Little Chris]

Little Chris: [last lines] Thanks, Dan.

[as little Chris and Dan walk away, the story ends as Elise picks up BEST SIDEKICK AWARD with Chris eating an apple while Dan relaxes, ending the series]

Cast

• Dan (voiced by Curtis Armstrong)
• Chris (voiced by Dave Foley)
• Elise (voiced by Paget Brewster)