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Daddy Day Care

2003 film by Steve Carr

Daddy Day Care is a 2003 American comedy film starring Eddie Murphy and Jeff Garlin about two jobless men who decide to start a day care business.

Directed by Steve Carr. Written by Geoff Rodkey.
D-Day Is Coming. (taglines)

Charlie

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  • [walking into Chapman Academy] Look at this place. It's Princeton for preschoolers.
  • [while leading Miss Harridan into his house] Is there anything I can get you to drink? Coffee, tea, water, eye of newt?
  • If you don't stop it with that Star Trek stuff, I'm gonna push you in that sticker bush.
  • Any boob can run a day-care center, but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're gonna be from now on: a family.

Phil

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  • When The Carrot is done with you, you will be nothing but a kumquat!
  • Let's get safety gate crazy.

Marvin

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  • [seeing Tony's discarded Flash costume on the floor] OH MY GOD, THEY VAPORIZED HIM!!!
  • [after realizing that he has painted glue on his face instead of face paint] That's not paint! It's glue! [screams in horror along with Jamie]
  • THIS STUFF - IS NOT FOR SALE! [throws down his magazine]

Max

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  • [While Charlie is explaining a play for football] How about we just run in a circle?

Dialogue

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[First lines]
Ben: Good morning, Daddy.
Charlie: [wakes up] Hey, Ben, how you doing, man? [yawns] Oh, God. Daddy's got to get ready for work.
Ben: Can't you stay home?
Charlie: No, I got a big day at work today. A real big day.
Charlie: What's going on?
Phil: Your worst nightmare.
Charlie: What?
[They walk out to where the actors for the test are, the actor for Mr. Carrot is in costume, but the actor who's supposed to play Mr. Broccoli is nowhere to be seen]
Phil: Mr. Broccoli's a no-show.
Actor: He got a callback for a potato chip commercial.
Charlie: These snack foods are killing us!
Phil: Yeah, I know...
Charlie: [looks around for a replacement for Mr. Broccoli, his eyes land on Marvin, a nerdy outcast who's pilfering through the mail] Marvin!
Marvin: Yeah?
Phil: [to Charlie] Marvin? The guy who smells the mail?
[Marvin is seen sniffing the mail momentarily before walking over to Charlie and Phil]
Charlie: [quietly to Phil] Yes, look; we need a guy who can wear a broccoli suit, not a normal person. [loudly] Marvin, my man! My friend Marvin! Hey man, what's going on today? Listen, we need a favor: We're having a little focus group in there and the guy who's supposed to wear the broccoli suit left, so you can put the suit on and cover for us.
Marvin: No...I just can't do the broccoli, cause it's just not me. Sorry... [notices the guy in the carrot suit] Hey, can I be the carrot, though?
Charlie: Yeah...Yeah, you can be the carrot! Let him try the carrot on!
Actor: No!
Charlie: You're gonna be the broccoli!
Actor: I don't wanna be the bush!
Charlie: It's not a bush, it's a stalk of broccoli! It's a strong stalk of broccoli!
Actor: [considering] I'm pretty strong...
Charlie: Yeah, you can make that work! Let's go in here and you go switch this suit on and get the broccoli! Trust me on this thing, let's go!
Mr. Broccoli: B-R-O-CC-O-L-I! [claps twice] I am the broccoli, and don't know why! C-A-RR-O and a T! Carrots are healthy for you and me! [starts shouting and dancing while The Message by Grand-Master Flash plays] Go broccoli! It's yo birthday! Go broccoli! It's yo birthday! Go carrot! Go carrot! Go carrot...
Marvin: [timid] No, I don't wanna....
Mr. Broccoli: Hello, boys and girls! Zowie, do we have a special treat for you today!
[The kids in the focus group just stare at Mr. Broccoli, obviously not entertained]
Marvin: [reading off of flashcards that he's holding in his hand] Hey! We have a brand-new cereal! [drops the flashcards] You're the first kids- [tries to bend over to get his cards] Help! [falls over onto his face; struggling to get up off the floor]
Mr. Broccoli: [decides to stand in for Marvin] It's super yummy and LOADED... [pretends to blow smoke off the barrel of some finger guns] with all sorts of stuff that's good for you! And do you know what we call it? VEGGIE-OOOOOOOOOS!!!
[The kids begin to spit out the cereal in disgust, letting out audible "Eeewww!!"s]
Kid: THIS CEREAL SUCKS!!
Phil: They're turning on us...
Charlie: Give it a chance, let them get it in their mouths...They gotta taste it.
Kid: [throwing a bowl of Veggie-Os at the one-way mirror] TAKE THAT!
[The kids begin to riot, attacking Marvin and Mr. Broccoli]
Marvin: HELP ME, CHARLIE!!!
Mr. Broccoli: Not in the Face! SAVE YOURSELF, CARROT!!!
Charlie: Call security now - OH, SH - OH! HEY! STOP THAT!
[Later, after the failure of the presentation of Veggie-O's]
Jim: We're killing it.
Charlie: Hey, come on Jim, we had one bad test and it's a hard nut to crack. Any fool can sell chocolatey chocolate balls and cotton candy-flavored cereal to kids, man.
Jim: [takes out his notebook and a pen and writes something down] Cotton candy. That's not bad. Hey guys, look, I'm sorry, but it was a dog. Kids just don't want to eat vegetables for breakfast. Who knew?
Charlie: It's exactly what I told you six months ago when you put us on this project.
Jim: You did? Well, it's not just Veggie-O's. We're shutting down the whole health division.
Phil: [appalled] That's like 300 people.
Jim: Yeah, it's just not a business we want to be in.
Kim: So, Pooch, how was your first day at school?
Ben: Okay.
Kim: Just Okay?
Ben: I don't know anybody there.
Kim: Oh, well, give it some time. You'll make some friends. [to Charlie] How was your day, baby?
Charlie: I lost my J-O-B.
Kim: You lost your J-O-B?
Charlie: I got F-I-R-E-D. Me and 300 other people.
Kim: They cannot do that. What about Jim Fields? Can't he do something?
Charlie: Jim Fields is the one that pulled the trigger. Now, he's not gonna be inclined to do anything 'cause when I found out it was him, I told him he could take a flying F...
Kim Hinton: Charlie!
[Charlie and Kim turn to Ben, who wipes his nose on the back of his right hand; they turn back to each other]
Charlie: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P. Don't worry about this. I'm a guy in demand, and I'll have a new job in a week. A week.
[Charlie and Kim stopped by at the trailer park]
Charlie: This is the right address.
Kim: You gotta be kidding me!
Charlie: Hey, we can at least check it out, you know!
Kim: Ben is NOT going here!
Charlie: Looks can be deceiving, let me just go take a look!
Kim: "Looks can be deceiving"?! We're in a trailer park!
[Charlie walks out of the car and is greeted by an overweight woman with a cigarette in her mouth and carrying a baby at the same time]
Trailer Park Lady: Yeah...???
Charlie: I might've made a mistake; I'm looking for the preschool.
Trailer Park Lady: [putting her cigarette away] Oh-ho, yes, it is! [flips around a "BEWARE OF DOG" sign to reveal that "TOUCH OF EDEN PRESCHOOL" is written on the back] Welcome to the- [goes into a smoking induced coughing fit] Sorry...Welcome to the Touch of Eden Preschool, can I help you?
Charlie: [realizing that Kim was totally right] Oh, no thank you... [the next place on their list is a farmhouse owned by an old couple. They walk up to an old woman fanning herself] Is this the right place???
Kim: I think so...
Old Woman: [gets up to greet Charlie and Kim] Hello...
Charlie: Hi!
Old Woman: [leads Charlie and Kim off the porch] We keep the children right around here!
[Cut to the old woman and her husband opening a cellar door to show where they keep the children. Charlie and Kim look into the cellar, and are shocked by what they see...None of it is shown on camera, but it's obvious they don't want to put Ben in there]
Old Woman's Husband: Go ahead! After you, ma'am!
[Charlie and Kim instantly start running away from the old couple]
Charlie: Where'd you get the address to this place?!
Kim: No, you picked this place!
Charlie: We should report this to somebody! [the third and final stop on their tour is a seemingly normal house] Alright, now that's what I'm talking about! See, I knew there had to be at least ONE decent place in town!
Kim: Yeah, it looks alright...
[A squadron of police cars whizz past Charlie and Kim, parking in front of the house, presumably to arrest the owner of the daycare center]
Police Officer: [through the megaphone] THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED.
Charlie: [freaking out] OH, SHIT! GO!!
[Charlie and Kim drive off]
Charlie: [to Phil] Today, we need some organization and planned activities.
Phil: No. We need Ritalin and leashes, that's what we need.
Becca: We need more learning about things!
Charlie: More learning about things?
Becca: Yes. We're at a very critical age. You have to feed our minds!
Jamie's Mom [to Jamie]: Who are you going to call if there's any problem? [gives her a phone]
Jamie: 911, Mommy.
Jamie's Mom: Oh, such a good girl!
[Max has stepped out of the bathroom]
Charlie: Hey, big guy! How'd it go in there?
Max: I missed.
Charlie: What's that mean?
Max: I missed!
Charlie: [realizing he's not kidding] Oh, hell no. [slowly opens the bathroom door, the Psycho theme starts playing as he gazes in horror at the bathroom walls and the ceiling offscreen, and closes the door in disgust]
[Miss Harridan reads a flyer for a fundraiser called "Rock for Daddy Day Care"]
Miss Harridan: "Rock for Daddy Day Care. Help us finance our new permanent home". [put the flyer on her desk; to Jenny] Do you know what this means?
Jenny: It's a chance to improve ourselves through a little healthy competition?
Miss Harridan: [frustrated] No, you bubble-headed idiot. It's a death sentence. If they get their hands on a big enough space, they'll ruin me. They're selling fun. I can't compete with fun. [turns away in anger] I should've crushed them in the beginning when they were weak. It'll be harder now, but I have no choice. I've got to stop them.
Jenny: How're you gonna do that?
Miss Harridan: [turns back to Jenny and smiles cruelly] By any means necessary.
[Last lines]
Charlie: Whoa! Hey, little man! [looks around room] I'd say this wasn't a bad trade-off.
Ben: Yeah, Dad.

Taglines

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  • D-Day Is Coming.
  • Who's your Daddy?

Cast

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