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Crank: High Voltage

2009 film by Brian Taylor, Mark Neveldine

Crank: High Voltage is a 2009 action/thriller film about Chev Chelios, a British hit man living in Los Angeles, who gets his heart stolen from him by the Chinese Triad mafia and his pursuit to get the heart back and also avoiding the Hispanic/South American mafia out for revenge over the murders of the boss's two brothers.

Written and directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor.
He was dead... but he got better.(taglines)
See also:
Crank

Newscaster

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  • In a story so bizarre I can scarcely believe the event I'm reporting, and yet corroborated by at least a dozen eyewitnesses, a white male apparently fell from the sky above downtown Los Angeles today, landed in the middle of a busy intersection, destroying one vehicle and hospitalizing its elderly driver, and then was removed from the scene before emergency personnel could respond. Without a body, the police have yet to piece together the events of a day that can only be described as...implausible. Reports of a second body landing in the Boyle Heights area have yet to be confirmed and are being treated as the bullshit they most likely are.

Chev Chelios

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  • [Chico pisses in the wake of a motorboat] Massive homo cunt!
  • [Catches up with Johnny Vang after chase] Did I just drop some change... [grabs Johnny Vang by neck] ...or did I hear a chink?
  • [Upon seeing guys using a shock collar on their dog] You pair of sausage nigels! How do you sleep at night?
  • [Peering into Johnny's cooler] This isn't my fucking pumper! What is that? What kind of sick freak carries around something like this in a box? I am shocked to my fuckin' core. You have got some big problems, motherfucker. What the fuck is that?

Doc Miles

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  • Chev, I'm a certified heart surgeon. Well, I was. Lost my license after I fucked up my ex-wife's vaginal rejuvenation procedure in our basement. That's irrelevant right now. The point is - if you get hold of your heart, I'm reasonably sure I can put it back in for you.
  • Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch?
  • Confucius say, "Karma's a bitch".

Orlando

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  • You my nigga. Can't get no bigger. L.A. Underground, we're like a family, man. We a freak-ass family, but we family, all right? We look out for our own.

Ria

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  • [To Chev] You are my shiny lunch box.
  • I know where Johnny Vang go!
  • [To Chev] You need me like Whitney Houston dude!
  • No fucky sucky for you asshole!
  • You want sticky me? [Starts humping Chev]
  • [Ria catches Chev and Eve embracing in the Strip Club] Who the fuck crack bitch?... Take your slutty paws off my handsome!

Chico

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  • [To his gang hitmen posse] No. We need his ass alive. Chev Chelios. Let's save some bullets, dude.

Glenda Lansing

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  • He treated me like his hot little whore.

Don Kim

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  • [To Chev, about Venus] Your friend has the gay condition. [Laughs]

Poon Dong

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  • [To Asian women] Hey, I got five dollars says you blow me for twenty bucks.

Randy

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  • You want me to drop the hammer? [Gets thrown onto a parked car by Eve of unexplained superhuman strength]

Pepper

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  • I can bet on my grandma's coochie, he's at the horse track!

Male Porn Star

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  • [Referring to Eve while at the pornstar strike] I'm gonna bang that bitch in the back!

Donut Cop

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  • This is a weird scene; we've got pissed off beaver-hoover. I'm in pursuit.

Dialogue

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Chinese Doctor 1: [after Johnny flicks cigarette ash into Chev's open chest] Get your cigarette out of here asshole! We're operating!
Johnny Vang: So sorry.
Chinese Doctor 1: Fuck your mother! I let boss know you shit in Superman's stomach. Dumb ass!
Johnny Vang: I said I was sorry. [He laughs and then spits into Chev's chest, with the doctor flying into a rage slamming the instrument tray against Johnny]
Chinese Doctor 1: [Conversing in either Mandarin/Cantonese] How long can we keep him alive?
Chinese Doctor 2: Maybe long time. He die hard with a vengeance.
Chinese Doctor 1: Big Boss need to harvest his cornucopia of organs for later. Lungs, pancreas, bladder...
Chinese Doctor 2: What comes out next?
Chinese Doctor 1: Boss gave specific order. [Doctor points to a diagram and circles the reproductive organ with Chev fully aware of the intentions]
Nurse: [Lifts up medical blanket] Oh, you big cock English. Strong like horse.
Chev Chelios: Fuck that. [He proceeds to brutally assault the two doctors before escaping]
Long Beach Nose Punch Triad: [Taps on Chev's shoulder pointing a two tone Springfield XD pistol at Chev] You Lost?
Chev Chelios: Nope. [Parries the gun out of the gunman's hand and slams his forearm in his face knocking him out]
Chev Chelios: Alright, Chow Mein. Who do you work for?!
Shot Gun Triad: Fuck you, Chelios! [Chev whacks him with the butt of the shotgun]
Chev Chelios: Fucking grunt! [Dips shotgun barrel in oil, pulls down the thug's pants, makes a face like; I-can't-believe-I'm-going-to-enjoy-doing-this and then brutally rams the shotgun up his anus] You found me in quite an unpleasant mood this morning, mate. Now I'm going to ask you this question one time. Who's got my fucking strawberry tart?! [Thug looks at him confused and Chev points to his heart while an on-screen subtitle says "strawberry tart=heart"] Capische?! [The thug starts stuttering] J-j-j-j-just spit the fucking name out! [Starts further ramming the shotgun in the thug's ass and starts wiggling it]
Shot Gun Triad: Johnny Vang!
Chev Chelios: Johnny fucking Vang?! JOHNNY FUCKING VANG?! Good boy! Where?!
Shot Gun Triad: Cypress Social Club!
Chev Chelios: Cypress-Cypress Social Club? Now you're sure about that, ain't ya?! [Thug nods head]
Chev Chelios: Good boy! Thanks for coming! Now you can keep that! [Leaves the shotgun up the thug's ass and walks away]
Doc Miles: [Answers phone] Hello, Doc Miles.
Chev Chelios: Yeah, Doc. It's Chev.
Doc Miles: [Doc Miles spews his drink and ice shaking his head rapidly] Jesus H. Chelios! You've gotta be kidding me!
Chev Chelios: Listen, I'm deadly fuckin' serious, Doc. These Triad motherfuckers cut out my fuckin' heart and put in one of those plastic artificial jobs.
Doc Miles: You got an artificial heart?
Chev Chelios: Do you think I'm having a fuckin' laugh?!
Doc Miles: No-No-No, but you got to admit, it's a little out there, dude.
Chev Chelios: Yeah, you take your fuckin' time, Doc.
Doc Miles: You don't have any time, if you've got an artificial heart. They're not designed to keep you alive more than a couple days while you're waitin' on a transplant. And don't do anything strenuous.
Chev Chelios: Yeah, sure, Doc. No problem. So what's my next fuckin' move?
Doc Miles: Well, we got to get a real heart put back in you preferably your own.
Chev Chelios: I'm on it.
Doc Miles: Okay, you're on it.
Chev Chelios: Doc! Jesus fucking Christ!
Doc Miles: I'm-I'm sorry. Sorry. Does-Does-- Let me-- Does that thing have a a-a-a a belt battery pack?
Chev Chelios: Check.
Doc Miles: How many bars are showing?
Chev Chelios: One.
Doc Miles: Shit. That's better than none, I guess. Look, what they did you with is an Avicor Total Artificial Heart. It's got an internal battery that'll pick up once the belt battery dies. It's like a reserve tank. Once the internal battery takes over, you got one fuckin' hour. The internal battery charges wirelessly through its transcutaneous energy transfer system. Two coils, there's one internal, one external that transmit the, uh, magnetic force across the skin without piercing the surface. The internal coil receives power and sends it to the controller device. Is this makin' any fuckin' sense to you, Chevy?
Chev Chelios: It's fucking Greek, Doc.
Doc Miles: Greek. Look, you got to keep your body electrically charged to keep that piece of shit pumpin'.
Chev Chelios: Copy that.
Doc Miles: Hey, Chev.
Chev Chelios: Yeah.
Doc Miles: I'm stoked you're alive, dude.
Chev Chelios: I'll get back to you, Doc.
Doc Miles: Yeah, well, y- Call me.
Chev Chelios: Fuck!
Cholo: Hey-Hey-Hey! That's a nice car.
Chev Chelios: I don't suppose you know where the Cypress Social Club is, do you?
Cholo: Man, fuck that shit, puto. Let's race, ese.
Chev Chelios: Don't you tempt me, fucker. What I need from you is directions. Oh, shit. Shit! [Chev rams a concret barrier and goes flying through windshield]
Cholo: Damn, dog. You good, esé?
Chev Chelios: Tiger fucking Woods. Never better. Greatest day of my fucking life. You gents couldnt point me in the direction of the Cypress Social Club, could ya?
Cholo: Well, you ain't too far. You go down Orange for, like, two miles and then you're there, homes.
Chev Chelios: Cool. You mind givin' me a jump? Just juice me. [Clamps jump cables to his nipples]


[Walks up to a pack of Cholo thugs]
Chev Chelios: Hey, Menudo, where's the fuckin' Social Club? [They are silent] Uh, dondé esta La Social Club? [One points to house]
Cholo: Buénos nachos, white boy.
...
[Chev walks up to house and Ria is thrown out front door and a topless obese man comes out]
Chev: [To obese man] You Johnny Vang? [Obese man shakes head and Chev slaps him, knocking him out and Chev walks into house, wreaking mayhem, throwing people out windows and prostitutes run out with Johnny Vang running into a vehicle]
Johnny: Go!
Ria: [She climbs up to obese man] No sucky fucky for your asshole! [Grabs broken bicycle] Cock suck face! Fag whore! Shrimp dick! BB balls! [Rams bicycle repeatedly on man's crotch] Chicken fat! [Two Triad thugs pull up] What you two faggots looking at?!
Cypress Triad Hood #1: Get lost bitch.
Ria: Fuck you! [To Triad, about Chev] This dude my Kevin Costner! He going to beat you off!
Cypress Triad Hood #1: What?!
Chev: Where's Johnny Vang?
Cypress Triad Hood #1: You looking to get your ass killed dog?!
Ria: You ask for it, he's gonna tap your ass!
Chev: Wrong expression.
Cypress Triad Hood #1: You ain't tappin' my ass! [Points gun]
[Chev parries the gun out of the hood and beats both hoods with them running to their vehicle] There you go, cupcake. [Ria jumps on Chev's back trying to kiss him and Chev pushes her off] Fucking no balling for me today, thanks. There goes my ride!
Chev: What's that, fucking cunt-onese?! I'd rather stick my dick in a blender!
Ria: [Humping him] Sticky me. Hey! I know where Johnny Vang go!
Chev: Johnny Vang?
Ria: Yes.
Chev: Where? [She points down street]
Ria: Hey, dude, why do you run?! Wait for me!
Chev: [He attempts to carjack a station wagon] Get out of the fucking car! Out!
Station wagon driver: Get your own station wagon, asshole! Get the fuck off! Damn!
Chev: Fuck!
Ria: You taking it too fast with me!
Chev: Which way?!
Ria: I want you to take it slow.
Chev: Which way?
Ria: Hey! Hey! You didn't ask name!
Chev: Shut up a minute, for fuck's sake! Where is he?! Johnny Vang?!
Ria: Yes. [Points]
[Chico is hostaging and interrogating Johnny Vang in a strip club]
Chico: Motherfucker!
Woman: Baby.
Chico: [Starts chopping a chair with a machete] Motherfucking Chelios!
Johnny Vang: [In Chinese] Suck me beaner. Chelios is Triad property.
Chico: You like sushi, Chinese man?
Johnny Vang: [Laughs maniacally] That's Japanese, El Torito. Chinese don't eat that shit!
Chico: How the fuck am I supposed to know what kind of "-ese" you is you slanty-eyed fuck?! Check it out, sushi! [Chico's cohorts hold down Johnny's cohort rolling up sleeve]
Johnny Vang: [In Chinese] This is new and exciting.
Chico: [Chico slices off the tip of an elbow of Johnny's cohort]
Johnny Vang: [In Chinese] We can make a deal. [In English] Hey Chico, we can make a deal huh? [Laughs sheepishly]
[Chev has arrived at a strip club and Eve comes out dancing]
Chev Chelios: Eve? Eve. Here, baby. Eve! [Takes her hand]
Eve: Chev.
Randy: Hey. I need you to take your fuckin' hands off Lemon now, man.
Chev Chelios: Who the fuck are you?
Randy: Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are you? Do you know this guy, Lemon?
Chev Chelios: Lemon?
Eve: You were dead. Uh... I'm...uh, I'm so confused right now. What's that ticking sound?
Randy: Yeah, what is that sound? You're kinda weird, tick-man. It's time for you to go!
Chev Chelios: Randy? Randy? Come here.
Eve: [Ria attacks her out of jealousy] Fuck!
Chev Chelios: Not you. Babe, it's not--
Eve: Who the fuck is that?
Chev Chelios: Ah, some whore. Fuck, no. That was a mistake. Oh, fuck. Look she's helpin' me find my heart.
Eve: Yeah. What?!
Chev Chelios: Go away! Come on, let's go. What? Oh, you dozy cunt.
Chico: [To posse] No. We need his ass alive. [To Chev] Chev Chelios. Let's save some bullets, dude.
Chev Chelios: I'm up for that, when we've all had a drink.
Eve: Should I duck?
Chev Chelios: Yeah. [A gun battle ensues]
...
Chev Chelios: Shall I bypass the formalities?
Thug: Of course.
Chev Chelios: Who do you work for and what the fuck do they want with me?
Thug: EI Huron.
Chev Chelios: English! What's a fuckin' ee-el-who-done?
Thug: It's a ferret. He wants you alive... so he can watch you die.
Chev Chelios: Oh, yeah? Why?
Thug: I don't know. Doesn't everybody?
Chev Chelios: Shut up. Ooh, you lucky bastard.
Eve: Why didn't you call me?
Chev Chelios: Like fuck I didn't. Didn't you get my message? [Scene of answering machine playing distorted blowing wind as Chev was free falling from helicopter]
Eve: No! Where have you been for the last three months? I thought you were dead.
Chev Chelios: I fell a mile out of a helicopter. It's a long story.
Eve: No way! You know what? That's totally possible. I saw this video on YouTube where this guy's parachute doesn't open and he falls like fourteen thousand feet and he lives.
Chev Chelios: Yes baby, I know it's possible because I fuckin' did it!
Eve: [Refusing Pepper's lesbian advances] Quit it.
Chev Chelios: Since when were you on the Internet?
Eve: You know, a lot of things have changed since you died.
Chev Chelios: I didn't fuckin' die.
Eve: Well, that's besides the point, isn't it? [To Pepper] Get off!
Pepper: Ooh!
Eve: Where are we going, Chev?
Chev Chelios: I don't know. I need to find that slant from the club, the one with the red cooler.
Pepper: Are you talking about Johnny Vang?
Chev Chelios: Do you know Johnny Vang?
Pepper: I know his ass. He's got that box with him all the time.
Chev Chelios: That box. I need it.
Pepper: I can bet on my grandma's coochie he's at the horse track.
Eve: Dude, you gonna put Johnny Vang on ice?
Pepper: Maybe.
Eve: That's so fuckin' sexy.
Pepper: Fuckin' dead.
Eve: [To Pepper] Didn't they cuff you?
Pepper: Damn it. Do me. I'll do you.
Eve: Bitch.
Chev Chelios: I got to get a hold... I've got to call Doc. I need a cell phone.
Pepper: Why didn't you just say it? I have a cell phone. Here.
Chev Chelios: You got a cell phone. I got you. Okay?
Doc Miles: You've got to work for the things that... Chevy?
Chev Chelios: I lost the belt battery, Doc.
Doc Miles: How long ago?
Chev Chelios: Over an hour
Doc Miles: Jesus Christ, that's not fuckin' possible, Chevy. You should be dea... Fuck, never mind. Look... it's a wireless system, so any kind of low-level electrical shock to your skin should juice it. At least temporarily. Hey, Chev I'm a certified heart surgeon. Well, I... I was. I lost my license after I fucked up my ex-wife's vaginal rejuvenation procedure in our basement. That's irrelevant right now. The point is if you can get hold of your heart, I'm reasonably sure I can put it back in for you.
Chev Chelios: Okay, Doc. I'll be in touch when I find that Chinese cocksucker that's got me pump. That you even had to choose between Phyllis and me. Chinese?
Doc Miles: Sharon, I just shut down, okay? I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. Hey, Chocolate would you get off your fat ass and get dressed?
Chocolate: Why?
Doc Miles: Do you have any idea... how silly Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch? Do you know that I was waiting for those results, too? I needed to put things in perspective.
Chev Chelios: Oh, you needed? I see, you needed. I think I know who we're dealing with. That's how you do things now.
[Chev pulls up to a riot of pornstars picketing on strike]
Pornstar chant: "Hell, no, we won't blow!"
Chev Chelios: For fuck's sake move! Jesus. Shit! What the fuck! Shit!
Pornstars: That's right! You're gonna pay me by the inch, bitch! You make a living! We want to make a living! You carry a weapon! We carry weapons... in our pants. Sick and tired of this! Pay me my fuckin' wages, mother fuckers! Droppin' loads on all of your silly wages! They need their money. What, do you want me to fuck this car? What, do you want me to fuck this car? [Pornstar actress is on windshield] Suck my fuckin' tits!
Chev Chelios: Get off the car!
Pornstar: I'm gonna bang that bitch in the back!
Eve: Hi.
Pornstars: We're just sick and tired of this! Just because it's porn doesn't mean we all want to do it! We like to get paid for it!
[Police cruisers pull up]
Police officer: This is a weird scene. We've got pissed-off beaver everywhere. [Chev takes off] We're on pursuit.
[Chev jumps on a staircase railing to slide down in spirit of local skateboarders but slips, falling on crotch]
Camcorder guy: Whoa! "Oh!"
Chev Chelios: Cunt!
...
[Two men are using a shock collar to train a dog in the park]
Dog guy 1: Sit! Good... I'm just makin' sure. Whatever. Dude, he's totally doing what he's supposed to.
Dog guy 2: Well, he's got to know who's in charge.
Dog guy 1: Dude! Come on!
Dog guy 2: He's gonna eat somebody's baby and you're gonna be in... No, dude, chill. Uh, you're gonna get sued.
Dog guy 1: He's totally doing what he's supposed. to be doing. Come on.
Dog guy 2: Whatever. I wanted a cat.
Dog guy 1: Fuck!
Dog guy 2: See? Way better than a cat, man.
Dog guy 1: Whatever.
Chev Chelios: [Walks up to the them] Who's this fuckin' asshole? You pair of sausage-Nigels. How do you sleep at night?
Dog guy 1: Who is this guy?
Chev Chelios: I'm from PETA. This is animal cruelty, you fuckers. Hello, there.
Dog guy 1: Hey, give that back, you liberal freak.
Chev Chelios: Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah.
Dog guy 1: Um... Dude.
Chev Chelios: Fuckin' shame on you two.
Dog guy 1: That's two hundred and fifty dollars. I tell you.
Chev Chelios: You pair of cunts. Press the fucking button.
Dog guy 1: Well, take it back. Hit him.
Chev Chelios: [Dog guy 2 presses shock button] Not so bad.
Dog guy 1: Disgusting.
Chev Chelios: Morning. Mom would be so proud. Sorry about that. Give me that thing.
Dog guy 1: No.
Dog guy 1: Yeah, there you go. Go on.
Chev Chelios: Ruff, ruff, ruff ruff, ruff ruff! If you don't press that fuckin' button, you're goin' in the pond.
Dog guy 2: I'm pressing it. Press it!
Chev Chelios: Come on, what's the matter? Fuckin' wake up! [Slaps Dog guy 1] Make him press the button you...
Dog guy 1: Give him the fuckin'...
Chev Chelios: What are you, fuckin' useless?!
Dog guy 2: Hey! No problem.
Police officer: Stop right there! Stop!
Chev Chelios: Oh, shit. [Gives chases]
Dog guy 2: Oh. See, that's what I told you.
Police officer: [Dog attacks officer biting at crotch] My fuckin' nuts! Get him off!
Dog guy 2: It's all right! Will our insurance cover that?!
Police officer: Stop it! Freeze! Get down! Get down! Turn around! Get down! What the fuck is that around your neck?! Get down on the ground! Show me your...
[Venus pulls up on a moped]
Chev Chelios: Are you fuckin' kidding me?! Kaylo?!
Venus: Get on!
Police officer: Both of you down on the ground now!
Venus: Get down! Get down!
Police officer: Get off that fuckin' moped!
Chev Chelios: Kaylo, I thought you were dead.
Venus: My name's Venus. I'm from Hollywood. Kaylo was my brother.
Chev Chelios: Brother? No shit. Hey, what the fuck did you hit me for, anyway?
Venus: I have a condition. FBT, Full Body Tourette's. I can't control myself.
Chev Chelios: Jesus! Fuck! What the fuck? Hey, listen, I'm sorry about your brother, but I need to get to the Hollywood Park racetrack. And I mean right the fuck now. What's the matter, are you hurlin' or something?
Venus: Is that where they're at?
Chev Chelios: Who?
Venus: The ill suckers that killed my brother. You're Chev "The Cheese" Chelios, right? The sickest, most wickedest motherfucker that ever vaporized a motherfucker in cold blood, right?
Chev Chelios: Yeah. That's me.
Venus: Yeah. So we're gonna get those suckers...
Chev Chelios: Get a grip on yourself. It's already done.
Venus: Huh?
Chev Chelios: It's done. I already took care of the ones that did Kaylo.
Venus: But... All of them?
Chev Chelios: All of them. D-E-A-D. Brown bread.
Venus: Right Said Fred?
Chev Chelios: Simply Red.
Venus: I see.
Chev Chelios: Well, don't look so gloomy, Elvis. I can assure you they did not die pleasantly.
Venus: No... you don't understand. It's a matter of honor. It should have been me to avenge my brother's death. Well... so long, Chelios.
Chev Chelios: My brain hurts. There is one I never got to on account of I could never find him. The one that calls himself "The Ferret."
Venus: El Huron?
Chev Chelios: You know him?
Venus: No. It means "The Ferret" in Spanish.
Chev Chelios: Right. Yeah, I knew that. Listen, you want to find the dude that made your brother dead, you find him.
Venus: You're Chev Chelios, right? The sickest, most wicked-ist motherfucker that ever vaporized motherfuckers in cold-blood, right?
Chev Chelios: Yeah, that's me.
Chev Chelios: Fucking useless!
Venus: Yeah? Well, you ain't no Ralph Macchio yourself, Chev!
Chev Chelios: [Holding Ricky's head] Why do we keep going on like this, Ricky? Hurting each other?
Ricky Verona: [Weakly] Water...
Chev Chelios: H20? Coming right up! [Kicks Ricky's head into the nearby pool]
Don Kim: Get in. Chev Chelios.
Chev: Don motherfucking Kim. So you pull my lily-white ass out of the hot grease again.
Don Kim: Please, don't thank me.
Chev: I don't think I shall. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, Jeeves... but your slant-eyed associates have taken something... of extreme value to me. And I intend to get it back.
Don Kim: You know what you are, Chev Chelios?
Chev: Tell me.
Don Kim: You... are a shit magnet. [Venus starts experiencing an episode of FBT and is expelled from the vehicle] Your friend has the gay condition. [Laughs] And now, where were we?
Chev: You were about to tell me exactly who's got what I need and why.
Don Kim: You may have heard of the name Poon Dong.
Chev: Only in dirty limericks.
Don Kim: The patriarch of our organization. Said to be 100 years old. Considered to be more god than man by the Triad gangs. But several months ago, word had spread out... that Poon Dong had taken gravely ill. And without a heart transplant, he only had a few days left to live.
Chev: I see.
Don Kim: Of course, that was unacceptable. Many would have given their hearts... from their own breasts to save the life of Poon Dong. But not me. Fuck that. But many. Then word spread out that there was a man... who had a heart so powerful that he was capable... of surviving even our most deadliest of poisons.
Chev: The Chinese shit.
Don Kim: It was your heart that Poon Dong chose to replace his own.
Chev: One more question. Who the fuck is El Hurón, The Ferret? And how is he involved with all this?
Don Kim: The Ferret? Let's just say our organizations have a history of conflicting interests.
Chev: I see. Well, it's mighty white of you to help me out like this. Now, if you don't mind.
Don Kim: Who said I was helping you out? My reward for returning you to Poon Dong will be great.
Chev: So this is how it is.
Don Kim: This is how it is. [Chev grabs the uzi from a henchman and massacres all the men in the limo]
Chev: [The limo is about to crash into a pole] Chicken and broccoli. [Chev gets out and uses gun to break open an electrical transformer box and deliberately electrocutes himself]
Keith Jardine: Dude, are you all right?
Chev: Never better. [Runs away]
Chev Chelios: [After being told by Doc Miles about finding someone to rub against, he starts rubbing a spectator's arm and the spectator pushes him off] Terrific race. [Points to the horse he picked] That's a great horse, mate. [Continues rubbing his arm]
Hollywood Park Guy: What the fuck, man? What the fuck?
Chev Chelios: You did it! Mate, that was all you.
Fish: Fish Halman here, bringing you breaking on-the-scenes coverage of an explosion of mayhem, and lewd behavior that has swept the Long Beach area. Our viewers may remember a similar series of incidents which took place three months back involving this unidentified man. Police are now confirming that today's events are the work of that very same psychotic deviant. Ted Garcia is standing by in Hollywood Park with a live report. Take it away, Ted.
Ted: Thanks, Fish. I'm standing here with a group of people. Families, seniors, and degenerate gamblers that are shocked and traumatized by what they've witnessed here today when what started as a sunny, Southern California afternoon at the races turned, without warning, into a public, open-air porno.
Fish: Did you say porno, Ted?
Ted: Straight up, Fish. I'd like you to meet Glenda Lansing of Hawaiian Gardens. Glenda says she had an all-too up-close-and-personal encounter with the suspect just moments before the shocking incident occurred.
Glenda: That bastard had his filthy hands all over me.
Ted: Can you describe exactly what happened?
Glenda: I never saw a bastard who wanted it so bad. He put his filthy hands on every part of me.
Ted: Okay, that's a little too much information for this broadcast. Can you describe the man that assaulted you?
Glenda: He looked like that fella from the movies. The T-Bag.
Ted: T- Bag?
Glenda: You know, the Trainspotted fella? Built like a brick shit house.
Ted: All right, ma'am. You know that kind of language is not gonna fly on TV.
Glenda: That son of a bitch. He treated me like his hot little whore.
Randy: Lemon. Hey, hey, hey!
Eve: Randy?!
Randy: Hi.
Eve: What are you doing here?
Randy: It's about the dude.
Eve: What dude?
Randy: The asshole.
Eve: What about him?
Randy: He's on every channel. The guy's a fucking psycho killer, baby. Every cop in this city's looking for him, not to mention the fucking beaners. [Whispers] The fucking Orientals.
Eve: So?!
Randy: So?! So?! So the heat's on the street... and that dude's playing for keeps, baby.
Eve: I have no idea what the hell you just said.
Randy: Look. Lemon. Lemon, look.
Eve: What?!
Randy: I know we've all been down our dark roads in the past, okay, babe?
[Randy has flashback to an ex-girlfriend, a loud mouthed obese black woman]
Ex-girlfriend: I need my hair did, my nails did. You ain't gave me no money. Where you been at, Randy? If I ever catch you with another bitch... Well, you do got a big-ass dick for a white boy.
Randy: Anyway, look, the point is, you're my lady now, all right? I don't think it's safe for you to be out there with that, that sick fucko running wild right now.
Eve: You can say that again.
Randy: Look, look. Listen to me. Here's what I think we should do.
Eve: What, Randy?!
Randy: All right, I say we go to the fuzz. We tell them everything. We come clean.
Eve: What?!
Randy: The fuzz, all right? I mean, I'd kill this guy myself, but I got two strikes against me.
Eve: Let go of me!
Randy: Look, baby. All right? I'm trying to be cool to you, but I will drop the hammer. You want me to drop the hammer, baby? [Eve knees him in crotch and throws him onto a car windshield]
Eve: I'm in no mood today, Randy!
Randy: Lemon!
Orlando: Don't leave no skid marks, nigga. Work that ass, baby. Ride that shit, big sexy! Put your arm up, son. Eight seconds, nigga! Yeah. Oh, my God. [Answers phone] Hello.
Venus: Orlando?
Orlando: Venus! What is up, my man? Where you been, man? I ain't seen your ass since We was all of us broken up about what happened to your brother. You okay?
Venus: Orlando, I need your help.
Orlando: Venus, come on. You my nigga. Can't get no bigger. L.A. Underground, we're like a family, man. We a freak-ass family, but we family, all right? We look out for our own. What?
Venus: I'm looking for a man called The Ferret. El Huron.
Orlando: Shit. Ferret?!
Police officer: [Pointing guns at Eve] Freeze! Hey! Now, spread it. All right, let's go. Against the car.
EMT: [Chev breaks into an ambulance] This is an ambulance, you fuckhead! Keep hydrating those organs! Hold it in! Jesus. What are you doing? :EMT:This is an ambulance!
Chev: Right, motherfucker. I'm aware of that. I'm in need of emergency services.
EMT Yeah, we have got a guy in the back of the ambulance! Get him out of here, man.
Chev: That's one of Don Kim's blokes.
EMT:This man is in critical condition. Get out of here.
Chev: I'm aware of that. I'm the fucker that put him there. [Pulls out gun and points it at EMT's head]
EMT: Now... Okay, he's got a gun!
Chev: You're my physician. Okay. I'm in need of an external lithium battery belt for an Avicor Total Artificial Heart. Might you have such a thing? :EMT:We're gonna lose it, Bronc. Please, look, this guy is fucking dying.
Chev: Don't worry about him. He's not gonna make it. Now, about my battery.
EMT:Yeah, you said the Avicor TAH. Yeah, we got it. But why? Holy shit.
Chev: Chop, chop. Okay.
EMT He's fucking dead, man. Do you mind?
Chev: You ready for this shit? Do it then. Turn the fucking thing on. Feels like crack. Yeah, but better.
EMT You know, those things aren't designed for strenuous activity.
Chev: Tell me about it.
Venus: Hey. You okay? Wake up. Wake up. Ria, baby. What happened to you? What are you doing out here? What you out here for? I'm looking for the man that killed my brother. Yeah. I have to go. I might not come back. Give the girls kisses and hugs from me.
Ria: I kiss and hug all the pussy. You go kill cocksucker.
[Eve is being interrogated by police]
Detective: Some boyfriend you got there, Ms. Lydon. He lied to you for six months regarding his work? Which I guess wouldn't be such a big deal if he wasn't a hired killer. He made you a target for the South American mob... for kidnapping, torture, or worse. He sexually humiliated you in front of what... I don't know, half of Los Angeles? Twice. Twice. And then left you there to take the rap? And now you can add an arrest and a police record... to a list of wonderful things Mr. Chelios has brought to your life. Help me out here, sweetheart, okay? Because Because I'm a little bit confused. Why the fuck do you continue to protect this asshole?
Eve: That's a dicky question. Besides, I don't know who you're talking about. I mean, I'd like to see you fall out of a helicopter and live.
Detective: What? [Colleague whispers to detective, then to Eve] It looks like you made bail.
Eve: Great. Can I have my stuff back? Yeah.
Detective: Yeah. Just a Just one little piece of advice. Wake the fuck up and smell what's burning. [Eve leans forward and sniffs]
Psychiatrist: It's completely normal to be freaked out when someone has a gun at your head. I would've shit myself.
Ankleson: I still have nightmares.
Psychiatrist: Everybody has nightmares. The point is by coming here and talking with me you made a choice to confront your issues and lick 'em.
Ankleson: I can't even leave my fucking apartment. I cl... Every time I go up to... leave the door, I-I see the guy with the gun.
[Flashback to previous film of Chev holding gun to hospital orderly's head in the hall for epinephrine]
Psychiatrist: Think about it like this, Ankleson. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You gotta go out and enjoy it. Knock back a couple of beers, hit a titty bar.
Ankleson: Excuse me?!
Psychiatrist: Have some smelly snatch rubbed in your face. You gotta get out there, man.
Ankleson: Yeah, I've gotta do it.
Psychiatrist: Tackle a fucking whore, get your dick wet. Dip your wick into life a little bit. Have some fun.
Ankleson: Yeah. I'm gonna go out there and floss my teeth with some pubes.
Psychiatrist: Oh, now you're on it.
Ankleson: I'm done with fear. My life begins today. [A stray bullet finds the doctor's head and kills him instantly while the psychiatrist vomits into the camera]
...
[Chev catches Johnny and they're fighting]
Municipal hydro employee: Maybe we better call nine-one-one.
Chev Chelios: Where's my box?!
Johnny: No! No!
Chev Chelios: [After pounding Johnny's face] Five more like that... and your brains will be strawberry jelly.
Johnny: You can't look in that box!
Chev Chelios: The key and the fuckin' combo.
Johnny: No!
Chev Chelios: Do it. [Johnny enters combination] That's better. [Chev looks in] This isn't my fuckin' pumper! What the... What is that? What kind of sick freak carries something like this around in a box? I am shocked to my fucking core. You've got some deep problems, motherfucker. What the fuck is that? That one I sort of know and it's fuckin' got to come back and fuckin' r-run it... What the fuck is this?! What the fuck is tha... [Drops cooler box on ground and calls Doc] Hello. Doc.
Doc Miles: Chevy. When you hung up on me, I was trying to fuckin' tell you something. Your heart was transplanted three weeks ago into that Shaolin motherfucker.
Chev Chelios:Fucking great. Now what?
Doc Miles: I'm on it. Poon Dong is still in L.A. And if I'm right he's got what you need in pristine working condition beating inside his chest.
Chev Chelios:Good. Where do I find him?
Doc Miles: Don't worry about it. I got people on the street.
Chev Chelios: Good luck with that, Doc. I'll try it my way. Come here, you. Up you get. Okay, darling. One last dance. [Points in Johnny's face] Where's the fuckin' old man? [A bullet goes through Johnny's head and Chev looks at finger with amazement and turns around to see Chico and his cohorts and a thug clubs Chev's head]
Chico: [To a cohort] What old man?
[Poon Dong is driven around with him all dressed up and trying to get women's attentions]
Poon Dong: Hey. Hey. I got 5 dollars that says you blow me for 20 bucks. Oh, stop. Stop right here. Stop right here. Hey, baby. Hey. Hey, baby. How you doing? I'm doing okay, baby. Yeah? How you doing? What you need? You know what I need. Come on. Come on, Daddy.
Chico: [Chico's cohorts throws Chelios unconscious body into vehicle trunk] Fuck you, Chelios!
Various voiceovers: Fuck you Chelios! Hey fuck you Chelios! Fuck you Chelios! Fucking fuck your balls Chelios! Yo Chelios, fuck you! Fuck off Chelios! Fuck off Cheli-fucking-os!
[The Luke Cunard talk show begins]
Luke Cunard: [Referring to Chev] Tell me what he's like when he's at home.
Karen Chelios: When he's home, he's like a ghost. He plays those video games; all day, all night.
Luke Cunard: Video games.
Karen Chelios: All day.
Luke Cunard: And you let him do that? Well, you did buy the games for him, yeah?
Karen Chelios: Of course. Why should I deny my son?
Luke Cunard: How are you today, Chev?
Young Chev: I'm golden, sir.
Luke Cunard: Your mom tells me that you've been getting into quite a bit of trouble. Is that true?
Young Chev: Yes, sir. Regretfully, that's true.
Luke Cunard: What kind of trouble?
Young Chev: Fighting, talking back, pinching.
Luke Cunard: Pinching what?
Young Chev: Televisions, stereo components, books from the library. That's not all. No, sir. Also a till from a restaurant and one car.
Luke Cunard: A toy car?
Young Chev: No, sir. A BMW Z1. [Studio audience goes into uproar and Chev displays the the finger']
Luke Cunard: Hey, sit. People, people, all right. I hear you've been having quite a bit of trouble at school too.
[Scene of Chev smashing a trashcan into a boy's face in the schoolyard and a teacher rushes forward to thwart him]
Teacher: Chelios! [The teacher is elbowed in the face and he resumes the face smashing and then screams in primal rage]
...
Young Chev: Nothing I can't handle, sir. I have a lot of piss and vinegar!
Karen: He's hyperactive.
Young Chev: Oh, shit, Mom!
Luke Cunard: You want to watch your dirty little mouth, son.
Karen: We tried giving him Ritalin, but Chev?
Young Chev: I sold it.
Luke Cunard: With all this energy, you've never thought about... I don't know, trying out for sports?
Young Chev: [Scene of Chelios running down street with cash till in hand with shop owner and punks in pursuit] I like to run.
Luke Cunard: Chev, where's dad?
Young Chev: I never met the wanker. [Mother hits him lightly in the chest] He died before I was born.
Luke Cunard: What do you think he'd say, if he saw you acting out like this?
Young Chev: Dunno, sir.
Luke Cunard: If he were here now, and he asked you [Pounds a table] "WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO SON?!", what would you tell him?!
Young Chev: Dunno, sir! Bored, I guess.
Luke Cunard: "Bored", he guesses!
Karen: Bored?! Bored?!
Young Chev: Shut up!
Luke Cunard: We're gonna take a short break now. And when we return, we are gonna find out... [Gets up and starts wagging index finger in Chelios face] what makes you tick, little man.
El Huron: Hola, Chev.
Chev Chelios: I take it you're the greasy fucker that's been huntin' me all day.
El Huron: The Ferret. Some people know me by this fucking name. And many men have died cursing the name of El Huron... as they choked on their own blood and the blood of their families.
Chev Chelios: Colorful geezer.
El Huron: I was born with another name... the name of my father.
Chev Chelios: Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah, fuckin' hell.
El Huron: And my father's father's.
Chev Chelios: We're all very sad.
El Huron: And the name... that I share... with my two brothers... Alejandro... and Ricardo.
Chev Chelios: Verona.
El Huron: Well, l-I can tell... by the tick-tick-tick... that you had no idea... that there was a third brother.
Chev Chelios: Nope. That fact escaped me... or I assure you, Elvis, I would have made it a fucking hat trick.
El Huron: I got a trick-or-treat for you cabrőn. I'm gonna make you wish... that you was never a man.
Chev Chelios: If you want to kill what's left of me, you get on with it.
El Huron: What's the rush, Chelios? I know someone who's going to love to watch this. [Unveils an incubation tank that is the life support of Ricky's head]
...
Doc Miles: You. You got the donor?
Chocolate: Like you got a boner.
Poon Dong: Hey, baby. You always say y-you want to be more spontaneous.
Chocolate: Uh-uh, cowboy.
Poon Dong: Huh?
Chocolate: We gonna go back to my place.
Poon Dong: Ooh. Yeah. That sounds good.
...
El Huron: Ricardo never wanted my money Chelios. He was, uh, too stubborn. He wanted to make his own way. But now I think he likes what my money can buy. The technology to keep his brain alive. Not forever but long enough to watch you die.
Orlando: Yo, Ferret, this ain't Roots, man. [Orlando's posse has arrived and are all pointing their guns]
El Huron: Que?
Venus: Hey, cabrõn. [Venus's posse has arrived along with Ria's posse and are all pointing their guns]
El Huron: You got to be fucking kidding me.
Venus: You killed my brother, motherfucker. Prepare to die.
El Huron: No! Fuck you, Chelios! Ronnie James Dio! Chucha madre!
...
Chocolate: This way, sugar.
Doc Miles: [Holds up surgical instruments] Confucius say... karma's a bitch.
Poon Dong: Uh-oh.
...
Chev Chelios: Hello, Ricky. Why do we go on like this, Ricky? Hurting each other? Water? Did you say, "Water"? H-two-O coming right up. [Kicks Ricky's head into the pool] Motherfucker!
Ricky: [Drowning in pool] Chev Cherios! Che... Chev Cherios. Chev. Chev. Che... Che... Che...
...
[Doc Miles is operating on Chev Chelios]
Doc Miles: I'm cuttin' the battery. The battery's out. Paddles. Give me the paddles.
Eve: What's going on?!
Doc Miles: Chevy. Clear! Fuck! Shit! [Chev's electrocardiogram flatlines]
Eve: No! God! [Eve is lead away by Doc Miles and after a moment, Chev's eyes burst open]
...
[Ending credits bloopers]
Pornstar: Droppin' loads all over your silly wages! You think these muscles are free? You think this cock's for free? No way! No scabs, no crabs! No scabs, no crabs! I'm gonna bang that bitch in the back! I'm gonna bang your prisoner! Droppin' loads all over your prisoner!
...
Jason Statham: I take it you're the faggot that's been hunting me all day.
Production staff: No-No-No-No. No.
Jason Statham: I take it day. The Faggot. The Faggot. Oh, sorry, the Ferret.
...
Pornstar: No dough, no blow! No dough, no blow! Dicks like this don't come for free! Huh. Lips like this don't come for free. That's what I meant to say. I got lost. I meant, "Lips like this don't come for free."

Cast

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