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Coupling (TV series)

British television series (2000–2004)

Coupling is a sitcom that aired on BBC from 2000 to 2004. It was written by Steven Moffat.

Series One

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Flushed [1.1]

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Jeff: So, you're really going to do it?
Steve: Oh, yeah. This time.
Jeff: Do you think she knows you're going to dump her?
Steve: She ought to know by now. I've dumped her the last four times I've seen her.
Jeff: So what goes wrong?
Steve: We have sex.
Jeff: You have sex?
Steve: She makes me.
Jeff: How?
Steve: She suggests it.
Jeff: She suggests it?
Steve: Exactly.
Jeff: Evil.
Steve: The last time I dumped her, we had amazing, fantastic, borderline-illegal sex. Now she thinks we're back on.
Jeff: Well, that's ridiculous.
Steve: I know, one swallow does not make her my girlfriend.
Jeff: So, you dump her, then she does this suggesting thing?
Steve: Yeah, I'll just be about to leave, I'll be thinking that I am finally out, she just leans over and looks me in the eyes, and goes; I am wearing stockings.
Jeff: No!
Steve: She's never worn them before! Not once in the entire relationship! I begged.
Jeff: But Steve, you're entitled to her stockings!
Steve: Am I?!
Jeff: Yes, you're still in the zone!
Steve: The what?
Jeff: The boyfriend zone! This is the tailing off period! You've still got a load of stuff at her flat. You might still have a wedding to go to together. You're under joint headings in your friends address books.
Steve: And that means I'm entitled to see her underwear?
Jeff: If it comes up. That's the rules of the zone. Good luck in there Steve.
Steve: You're a strange and disturbing man, Jeff.
Jeff: Thank you.
Steve: Steve, do you know what I call this kind of woman? You know, the type you "can't get rid of."
Steve: Is this gonna be really tasteless? Am I gonna be ashamed to be your friend?
Jeff: It's a technical term. It's just a harmless expression...
Steve: Hit me.
Jeff: "Unflushable!"
Steve: Turn around, Jeff; walk away!
Jeff: You know, because they keep bobbing around...
Steve: No, no, no, Jeff! Go! Go! ...Don't look back. Go!
Sally: Did he say what he wanted?
Susan: Not a word.
Sally: Maybe he's going to propose. You said you had a fantastic time last weekend. Maybe he's thinking, you know...
Susan: One swallow doesn't make a summer.
Sally: Maybe you should marry him.
Susan: It's not like that. It's very casual. It's really just sex with a fringe of conversation.
Sally: But what if he's your last ever man? What if you've used up your goals? Remember: every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since (age) 30, I have had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity.
Susan: Is this how your mind works all the time?
Sally: The only reason I work is so I stop worrying about my hair.
Susan: And this from my beautician. Which reminds me; facial, Wednesday morning. Just don't count every time you find a wrinkle.
Sally: Do I do that out loud?
Susan: You've got a running total in my file. Sally, did it ever occur to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence?
Sally: Susan, age bring you more to shave.
Jane: And, my sister said; no, so then I said yes, then she said; no, again, so I just said; yes. But then she said; no. So I said yes, yes, yes.
Steve: How does this story end exactly?
Jane: She said; I had an answer for everything.
Steve: Right.
Jane: And I just said; yes!
Steve: Jane! Ok, listen to me ok? I know I've tried to say this before, and I know I never seem to get anywhere, but this time Jane, I'm going to put it very, very simply. It's over between us.
Jane: You want us to split up?
Steve: Yes! Oh yes, I do!
Jane: I don't accept.
Steve: What?!
Jane: I don't accept it.
Steve: No, no, you can't not accept it. I'm breaking up with you.
Jane: Don't I get a say in it?
Steve: Of course, you don't.
Jane: If I don't get a say, then I don't accept it. Anyway, then my sister just looked at me. And she said; no, no, no... And then my sister said; absolutely not. So I said, absolutely yes.
Steve: It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not. It's over. You're dumped. Look, um, it's not you ok? It's me.
Jane: Then why am I the one that's getting dumped? You should be the one that's getting dumped.
Steve: Exactly, that's why it's all my fault. So dump me.
Jane: [In a singsong voice] No...
Steve: What?
Jane: We can work on your problems!
Steve: You've got to let me out, please.
Jane: Look, why don't we give it a year?
Steve: Because if we give it a year, I will end up horribly murdering you and hacking up your body.
Jane: Ok, how long do you suggest?
Steve: Some relationships are supposed to end. There are some relationships that the world is better off without. Remember Crippen?
Jane: Here we go, bring up Crippen again. You seem to forget the Crippens enjoyed many happy years of marriage before he murdered her
Steve: Please, listen to me.
Jane: They didn't just give up. They worked at it. That's the real lesson of the Crippens.
Steve: He killed her, and was hanged for her murder.
Jane: Well, yes, eventually.
Steve: Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to walk out of here, and whether you accept it or not, I am never going to speak to you or see you again! That is it, over.
Jane: Steve, we've just-
Steve: Don't start suggesting things. Or telling me what you're wearing. Or doing the thing with your breasts. I'm going.
Jane: I just wanted you to know something.
Steve: It's not going to work.
Jane: I experienced a passionate connection with you, that I've never encountered before.
Steve: Not listening.
Jane: I've never known lovemaking so electric.
Steve: No, it's having no effect.
Jane: Except, perhaps with Arthur. You know, the night before he left for the gulf.
Steve: There is no level of cheap manipulation that will work, Jane. [He leaves]
Jane: And maybe a couple times with Elizabeth. [He stops at door and Jeff comes bounding in]
Jeff: Hey Steve, guess who? Listen, there's something I forgot to tell you. About the- Steve? [Steve is still entranced and Jeff waves a hand in Steve's face which has no effect] Steve, are you alright?
Steve: I was this close! [He runs back to the table with Jane]
Jeff: Evil. Susan? Hey.
Susan: Jeff. Hi. [Jeff walks over]
Steve: You never told me about Elizabeth.
Jane: Well, you know, I've had relationships with other women.
Steve: No, you never told me that. Not once in the entire relationship. I begged!
Jane: Well, it's too late now!
Steve: No, I'm still in the zone!
Sally: Mary Kelly, does not fancy you!
Patrick: I can tell from the way she acts around me. She finds me attractive.
Sally: Is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive?
Patrick: It's never really come up.
Susan: If you two are finished. I thought you wanted to speak to me.
Patrick: Yeah, yeah, I do. [To Sally] Could you give us a minute? [Sally gets up to leave and then turns around] Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot.
Patrick: Then why does she keep looking at my arse when we're talking?
Sally: She's lip-reading. [She leaves]
Patrick: We need to talk.
Susan: Sure.
Patrick: About out relationship. I'm just starting to think it's getting a bit hot and heavy. And we both need to back off and cool down. You know, maybe we should just both think about where everything's going and whether we're starting to commit more than we intend to or want to.
Susan: What relationship?
Patrick: I can't believe you!
Susan: Well, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I just never saw it as a relationship as such. I just thought we were having a bit of fun, a bit of sex.
Patrick: Well, yeah, I mean, that's what I thought. I mean, that's pretty much the way I see it.
Susan: Well, there you are then.
Patrick: Yeah.
Susan: I mean, it's not as if we're being faithful or anything. Oops. I'm so sorry, I had no idea.
Patrick: It's fine.
Susan: We were only seeing each other once a week. That's not exactly a sex life. You must have been doing a lot of solo flights.
Patrick: No, I wasn't!
Susan: Oh, come on!
Patrick: I certainly was not! I was saving it all up for you!
Susan: No, really? Oops. [Buries face in hand and collapses back on the couch] Look, I'm not saying it wasn't good. I'm just saying it didn't seem like a week's worth. [Patrick glances over] Oh, no, don't look like that! Not everyone has my level of sex drive! I mean, for a start, you're a bloke...
Patrick: All right, all right, I wasn't going to say anything, but actually, I've been seeing someone else, too.
Susan: You've been cheating on me?
Patrick: What?
Susan: Is this true, Patrick?
Patrick: But you were cheating on me!
Susan: I wasn't cheating, I wasn't being faithful. You were being faithful. And that means, you were cheating. And I thought I knew you.
Susan: This is Patrick, This is Jeff who works in my office.
Patrick: Hi, right, good to meet you. [Steve runs through the establishment with Jane in hand behind him]
Jeff: So, how do you know Susan then? [Sally pops up from behind]
Sally: She just dumped him!
Jeff: Oh, great.
Susan: Oh, sounds like my cue for a loo break. Excuse me a sec.
Jeff: So, dumped and still here, eh? So, you're an unflushable. [Patrick coils back]
[Steve and Jane are passionately making out in a Ladies room washroom stall, Susan comes in and the stall door opens and Steve stumbles onto the ground spilling spare change]
Susan: Um, isn't this the ladies?
Steve: Sorry. Just, um, washing my hands.
Susan: Hmm-mm, and the money's for?
Steve: You get these free in the Ladies?
Susan: Apparently.
Steve: Yeah, um. Well, in terms of humiliating myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn't get more embarrassing, could it?
Susan: So, how are you these days, Steve?
Steve: Great.
Susan: We met at my office party. Jeff invited you, I think. And you spent the whole evening arguing with some women about Crippen. Yeah, I was rather insulted. I seem to remember trying to chat you up at the time.
Steve: Oh.
Susan: So have you seen that women recently?
Steve: Define "recently".
Susan: Ok, look- I'd better-
Steve: No, no, hang on. Maybe we could, you know, meet up sometime.
Susan: Well, yeah. You know where I work. Jeff's got my number. Nothing to stop you from calling me.
Steve: Great.
Susan: Great. [She walks over to the stall Jane is in]
Steve: Where are you going?
Susan: In there.
Steve: Why? What are you going to do?
Susan: That's not a level of detail most people look for. [Steve runs over and splays his arms across door]
Steve: Sorry, um, still using it. Haven't finished. I was on a break.
Susan: What, you popped out to wash your hands during your-
Steve: Yes. It's been a tricky one. [He goes into the stall and Susan leaves with Steve and Jane resuming their makeout session] Look, look. I don't think this is such a good idea anymore.
Jane: Oh, you're just getting all confused again. I'll tell you what, I'll take my clothes off. [She squats down]
Steve: No, no, no, no! That's not going to work! Whatever you might think, whatever everybody might think., it just happens I'm not completely, shaved! I mean, shallow!
[Susan walks up to Jeff at the bar]
Susan: Your friend Steve, is he alright?
Steve: Yeah, yeah, he's having a bit of trouble at the moment. He's got an unflushable.
Susan: Oh, I see. You mean, he can't-
Steve: No, no, not so much can't. He won't.
Susan: "He won't"?
Steve: At the last minute, he gets all sentimental
Sally: So, back on your own again, eh? Back out there?
Patrick: You're smiling at me. I don't think I've ever seen that.
Sally: You're a single man, now. You qualify for my elasticity.
Patrick: Is that as good as it sounds?
[Steve and Jeff are playing a video game]
Steve: How well do you know Susan? Are you close?
Jeff: Close? I've got her cycle in my organizer. Wait, are you thinking of asking her out?
Steve: I've already, kind of. Why, is that a problem? What, have you and her, you know?
Jeff: Oh, yeah, well, we gave it a try, you know. But it was a long time ago. Didn't really work out, I think I made her nervous.
Steve: That's understandable.
Jeff: So, you managed to finish with Jane, then?
Steve: Define "finish".
Jeff: Oh, Steve, have you finished with Jane? Are you out of the zone? If you ask Susan out while you are still seeing Jane, that could be a problem later. So, where were you; zone-wise, with Jane, when you asked Susan out?
Steve: Well, you know, pretty much... in there.
Jeff: Yeah, yeah, but where exactly? You know, like, middle, edge-
Steve: During
Jeff: During? During?
Steve: It's not as bad as it sounds! I was in the toilet cubicle with Jane, when I was nipping out to get a condom, I asked out Susan.
Jeff: The zone has a new king. [Raises arms and starts bowing to Steve] But you will rule alone.
[Susan and Jeff are the office place]
Susan: Jeff.
Jeff: Hello.
Susan: That, uh, that Steve guy. How well do you know him? Are you close?
Jeff: Close? We're porn buddies.
Susan: Porn buddies?
Jeff: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Susan: Is this code? Were you two in prison together or something?
Jeff: No, no, no, it's a safety precaution. You know, like, a scuba diver dives with a buddy, in case he runs out of air.
Susan: Ok, so are you telling me a porn buddy stands by with oxygen?
Jeff: [Laughs] No. Many years ago, Steve and I exchanged house keys.
Susan: Are you sure this isn't code?
Jeff: It's not code. In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it.
Susan: You're kidding.
Jeff: And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are.
Susan: You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags?
Jeff: Who said destroy? "Remove".
Susan: Yeah, but, you wouldn't keep them, would you?
Jeff: Well, it's a perk.
Susan: Oh, Jeff. [She turn around and walks away]
Jeff: That's the beauty of it, you see. [He follows her] Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side.
Susan: [She sits down] You're trying to put me off him, aren't you?
Jeff: No way, why would I do that?
Susan: I know it was a long time ago, but, um, you and me?
Jeff: Yeah, wll, that didn't really work out, did it?
Susan: I'll never understand why I made you so nervous. I've never seen anyone looks so terrified.
Jeff: It's all in the past, that. Please forget about it. [Phone rings and Susan answers it]
Susan: Oh, talk of the devil. Hi, Steve. [Jeff gets up looking anxious] No, just talking about you with Jeff, your buddy. Um, tomorrow evening? Tomorrow evening would be fine, yes. May have to be a bit later. I'm supposed to be having a facial. Okay, then we can have a good long chat about Jeff.
[Steve calls Jane and gets her answering machine]
Jane: Hello, this is Jane, sorry I'm not here.
Steve: I am out of the zone, I am finally out. [Starts recording] Jane, hi, this is Steve. Um, look, there's something I've been trying to say. And I think you know by now you know what it is. So, just listen. You are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman. And a man would have to be insane not to spend the rest of his life with you.
Answering machine: This message tape is now full. Please hang up.
Steve: Jeff, I'm going on a date, why are you following me? Why are you following me?
Jeff: I just think you might need some last minute pointers.
Steve: Jeff, here's a pointer from me, this is dinner for two.
...
[Steve and Jeff are seated at a restaurant table]
Jeff: Quality, Nice.
Steve: Susan's idea. She's going to be here in an hour.
Jeff: Do you know the biggest turnoff on a first date?
Steve: You?
Jeff: Discussion of mutual friends. An hour?
Steve: Yes, she's having a facial. And I'm trying to avoid someone.
Jeff: Who?
Steve: [He notices someone] Oh, my god. [He gets up]
Jeff: What? [Jane is there and sees Steve and they wave to each other] Have you been completely clear with her that it's over? [Jane kisses Steve]
Jane: Hello gorgeous! [Turns head to Jeff] And... [Swipes hand in disregard] I got your lovely message! You know I feel quite flushed!
Steve: How did you find me?
Jane: The usual.
Steve: Oh right, you phoned my flat, found I wasn't there. Then you phoned all the local taxi companies and found out which one had picked me up and where I'd gone. Then you phoned all the local restaurants and found out which one had my booking.
Jane: Well, if I didn't do that, how would we ever see each other? Remember the time I gave you such a big fright, you almost fainted? Where was that?
Steve: Prague
Jane: You should have seen his little face. He cried.
Steve: Jane, listen.
Jeff: Oh my god, the zone really hates you!
Susan: Hi, didn't expect you to be here already.
Steve: Didn't expect you. Thought you were having a facial.
Susan: Oh, she canceled.
Steve: She canceled?!
Susan: It's ok, I was going to cancel anyway. Didn't really need it?
Steve: Are you sure?
Susan: What are you saying?
Steve: Nothing. I'm just worried about your face!
Susan: Jeff!
Jeff: Susan, hi! I thought you were having a facial!
Susan: It was canceled.
Jeff: Canceled?! Well, do you want me to have a word with them?
Susan: Hello.
Jane: Hello. [She pushes Jeff aside] I'm Jane, Steven's girlfriend. [They shake hands]]
Susan: [To Steve] You have a girlfriend?
Steve: Well, at the moment.
Susan: At the moment?
Steve: You're early.
Jane: Are you seeing this woman?
Steve: No, no, not for another hour.
Jane: Steve!
Steve: Okay, yes, yes, we're on a date!
Jane: I'm sorry Steve, but I simply won't tolerate that. Look, I'm very fond of you and I hope we'll always be friends, but I'm afraid this relationship is now over.
Jeff: Yes!
Steve: Sorry, just like that?
Jane: I'm afraid so. I just wish you would have said something.
Susan: Does somebody want to tell me what's going on? [Sally and Patrick arrive and Sally shoves Patrick out of the way upon spotting Susan] Sally, what are you doing here?
Sally: I was feeling guilty. I should never have canceled your facial.
Susan: Patrick?
Patrick: Oh. Hi.
Susan: Oh, what exactly is going on here?
Patrick: You're asking me?! I can't believe your using our restaurant for your date! That's so thoughtless.
Susan: Patrick, you are using our restaurant and my friend for your date!
Patrick: Ok, you win that one.
Susan: Ok, so let me guess, you asked him out the moment I dumped him, Sally, you don't even like him.
Sally: I panicked. My neck looked old this morning.
Susan: We'll talk later. Steve, you and I will talk now. [Jeff dives in]
Jeff: Well, anyway, here we all are, on Steve and Susan's first date. Isn't this great? Let's all have dinner and plan the future! Table for six?
Steve: Steve, what are you doing?! Are you worried we're going to talk about you or something?
Jeff: No.
Susan: Well, what is there to say? You know about him and me? The nerves thing?
Steve: Well, yes, but don't worry about it. Jeff makes loads of women nervous. [Jeff dashes to sit down]
Susan: You made me nervous?! You told him you made me nervous?! Mr. I've-lost-all-feeling-down-my-left-side". Mr. I-think-all-my-joints-have-locked-together", can you carry me home?
Steve: Jeff?
Susan: Didn't he tell you? He fainted.
Jeff: I was only faking it so I wouldn't have to have sex with you. That wasn't a great defense, was it? [Jane is staring at Jeff] Oh! Look, sex can be very stressful for men! You judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina, and we're just happy if your naked. Half naked. One breast.
Steve: Oh Jeff, I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Jeff: Yeah, but, you won't be hearing anymore. I'm staying and monitoring the rest of your conversation.
Susan: Jeff, I want to talk to you privately.
Jeff: No. No, your both friends of mine. If you get together, it affects me. I'm a legitimate part of this date.
Susan: Go away, Jeff.
Steve: Please.
Susan: What do I have to do here, beg? Show you a breast?
Jeff: All I'm saying is that for...ok.
Susan: What?
Jeff: Ok.
Susan: Ok, what?
Jeff: Ok on the breast thing. I'll go in exchange for a breast.
Susan: I wasn't serious.
Jeff: It's too late, I was.
Susan: You've already seen them.
Jeff: Yeah, during a panic attack, I was blind.
Susan: You reckon you can take them now?
Jeff: Well, singly.
Susan: I wasn't serious, Jeff. You really think I'm going to flash you in public?
Patrick: We're in a corner. I don't think anyone else will see.
Susan: Patrick, what are you doing? You've seen them lots of times.
Patrick: Yeah, but now, you're an ex.
Jeff: Oh, yeah, that's the best. [Sally walks over]
Susan: What are you two doing?
Sally: Always good to see a friend's breast unsupported.
Jane: And I just like looking at breasts.
Jeff: This just gets better and better.
Susan: Will you people get it into your heads? I am not doing this. [Steve walks over] Steve.
Steve: Just in case you do, do it. You know, technically, I'm on a date with you. I don't want to end up a bread behind everybody else.
Sally: Actually, Susan, that's fair.
Jeff: I agree.
Susan: Do you know what? I am gonna do this. I'm gonna do this just to show you how low, pathetic and desperate you've all become.
Jeff: Result!
Susan: But I want you to remember, I intend this breast satirically.
Patrick: Now there's a sentence that can't come up too often.
Susan: Ok, which one? Any preference?
Jeff: Either.
Steve: Don't mind.
Patrick: The right one. Trust me.
Susan: What's wrong with the left one?
Patrick: Don't be like that. There has to be a second place.
Susan: I wasn't aware you'd assessed them individually.
Patrick: You were asleep. I was bored.
Susan: OK, fine, remember this is just to show how low you have sunk
Patrick: But we get to see a breast, right?
Susan: Yes.
Patrick: Cool.
Susan: Ok, here we go. Fire one.
Jeff: No, no, that's the left one. We want the good one.
Susan: If you could only see how stupid you all look. [Susan opens her shirt and a waiter walks by] Table for six, please.
Waiter: I'm sorry, I think we're fully booked.
Jeff: She's got another one just like it, you know.
Patrick: Yeah. Well, pretty much.
Susan: Patrick!
Waiter: Perhaps we're not fully booked. Let me go and see what I can do.
Steve: I thought the plan was to get rid of everyone.
Susan: New plan. Let's see, your ex, my ex, your best friend, my best friend. Well, every new relationship has baggage, so why not invite it all out for dinner?
Steve: So, I take it this isn't a date anymore? Or, or is it? Are we still...
Susan: Steve, I think in the circumstances, let's just take it one breast at a time.

Size Matters [1.2]

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Jeff: I mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to take them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That’s the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.
Jeff: [Drunk]] It must be a lot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.
Howard: And why is that?
Jeff: If you're gay, see... if you're gay, masturbation is practice. Y'know, you can have a good old practice on your own, and then later, when you're ready, when you've got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's. It's a piece of piss.... See, it's different... it's different when you're a straight bloke. When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. Gays have their own practice kit, but you don't get any practice women. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in 'em!
Howard: That's a very good point, actually.
Sally: No it's not, it's homophobic, you stupid queen!
Jane: Hello! There's no such thing as homophobia, just people-phobia!
Sally: Patrick, what do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?
Patrick: Men?

Sex, Death and Nudity [1.3]

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Patrick: You can’t prevent death with face cream.
Sally: Yeah? That’s what everyone thinks, but no-one’s ever used it in the quantities I do.
Patrick: What's a giggle loop?
Jeff: Don't ask! To know about the Giggle Loop is to become part OF the Giggle Loop!
Steve: I think we can take it.
Jeff: You're not ready for the Giggle Loop.

...

Jeff: Basically, it's like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. It's a...solemn occasion. A wedding. No--it's a minute's silence for someone who's died.
Steve: Right.
Patrick: Okay.
Jeff: Right, minute’s silence ticking away. (Makes ticking noises with his tongue) The Giggle Loop begins. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this thought comes into your head. The worst thing I could possibly do during a minute’s silence is laugh. (Overturns a beer glass) And as soon as you think that, you almost do laugh, automatic reaction. But you don’t, you control yourself. You’re fine. Whoo… But then you think how terrible it would have been if you’d laughed out loud in the middle of a minute’s silence. And so you nearly do it again, but this time it’s a bigger laugh. (Stacks another beer glass on top of the first one) And then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been. And so you nearly laugh again, only this time it’s a very big laugh. (Stacks another glass) It’s an enormous laugh! Let this bastard out, and you get whiplash! (Stacks another glass) Suddenly, you’re in the middle of this completely silent room (stacks another glass) and your shoulders are going like you’re drilling the road! And what do you think of this situation? Oh, dear Christ, you think it’s funny!
Bar staff: What are you doing?
Jeff: ...It's a Giggle Loop.
Bar staff: It's not a loop, it's a stack.
Jeff: Well I couldn't call it a Giggle Stack now, could I.
Steve: That would sound ridiculous.
Patrick: Exactly!

Inferno [1.4]

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Steve: I don't know if she has seen the tape. And if she has seen it, what does she think? That I'm some kind of masturbating pervert?
Jeff: You are.
Patrick: We all are.
Steve: True.
[Susan examines a VHS tape in his Steve's VCR]
Sally: "Lesbian Spank Inferno".
...
Jeff: Well?
Patrick: Porn?
Steve: Yes.
Patrick: Which one?
Jeff: Not... Inferno?
Steve: Inferno.
Jeff: Oh, my god!
Patrick: No problem.
Steve: What?
Patrick: As long as she hasn't watched it, you can't tell anything from a title like "Inferno".
Steve: Patrick, "Inferno" isn't the full title.
Patrick: Well, how bad can it be?
...
Steve: What film is erotic?
Sally: Well, I found "The Piano" very erotic.
Steve: Oh, come on! The Piano?
Jane: All men hate that film.
Jeff: I liked it. Holly Hunter was naked in the most of it.
Sally: She was nude in one scene!
Jeff: Depends how you watch it.
...
[Jane is baa-ing like a lamb while she carves the mutton roast]
Jane: Maa-maa [Then she flicks a meat cut onto a plate, sits down and says to Jill] Aw, if you like animals, you'll love lamb.
Steve: Jane, stop picking on your date.
Susan: Date?
Steve: Friend, sorry. Friend.
Jane: So, Steve. Susan tells us you've been using pornography.
Steve: "Using pornography"? What a strange obsession, Jane. Um, I enjoy erotica, if that's what you mean. But then, doesn't everyone? I certainly don't "use pornography", whatever that means. That makes me sound like... some kind of-
Sally: Wanker?
Jill: If you two need any help with any issues, I've got a window coming upon a weekly basis.
Jane: If you can't stand the meat, stay out of the kitchen.
Patrick: Not really qualified to talk to them, though, are you?
Jill: Not qualified?
Jeff: Yeah. Well, you know. The, uh- man-woman thing.
Jill: I've got a wall full of qualifications about the man-woman thing.
Patrick: Yeah, academically qualified.
Jill: I'll show you the list, if you want.
Patrick: No, thanks, not really my area.
Jill: Oh, oh, I see.
Patrick: What?
Jill: No, sorry, I should've realized.
Patrick: Realized what?
Jill: No, I- I thought you were with Sally.
Steve: If you're so qualified Jill, explain this one. If a woman thinks something is a turn-on, then it's erotica. If a man does, it's porn.
Sally: I think you have a somewhat blurred vision of Lesbian Spank Inferno, Steve. But then, I suppose you would.
Steve: It's an erotic film.
Sally: It's not even a film
Steve: Why do you assume that? What makes you think that it hasn't got a... proper story and everything?
Jeff: Well, it's kind of hard to tell, isn't it? Because you kind of tend to fast-forward if everyone's dressed.
Steve: Thank you, Jeff.
Jeff: Sometimes I forget and do that with proper films. I can get through a lot of movies in one evening.
Sally: The point is, Lesbian Spank Inferno does not count as erotica.
Jeff: Yes it does.
Steve: Of course it does.
Jeff: You've got about 15 lesbians.
Sally: It's porn.
Steve: I don't call it porn.
Patrick: You called it porn in the pub.
Steve: Get a new haircut Patrick!
Patrick: Will you stop going on about my haircut?
Jill: What's wrong with it? I think it's lovely.
Patrick: Thank you.
Jill: And it really suits you.
Patrick: You're the only person that does like it.
Jill: Oh, I bet you know lots of people who like it. [Winks at him]
Steve: Okay, okay. What makes an erotic film any different from porn?
Sally: A plot you can't summarize in diagrams.
Steve: Yeah, for instance, what film is erotic?
Susan: Well, I found the piano very erotic.
Steve: Oh, come on. The piano?
Jane: All men hate that film.
Jeff: Well, I liked it. Holly Hunter was naked for most of it.
Susan: She was nude in one scene.
Jeff: Depends on how you watch it.
Steve: No, now, the thing is, you just assume, with even watching it, that Lesbian Spank Inferno isn't a proper grown-up film, albeit, with some adult content.
Sally: No, I'll tell you what the thing is, you assume I didn't watch it.
Steve: I love you.
Sally: Prove it.
Steve: How?
Sally: Tell everyone here, in a reasonable amount of detail, the story of Lesbian Spank Inferno. Come on, tell us the moving tale of the 15 spanking lesbians.
Susan: You know, I have never understood men's obsession with lesbianism - a whole area of sex with nothing for them to do. I've just answered my own question haven't I?
Sally: I think they imagine they can get in there and convert them.
Patrick: Exactly.
Jill: I'm surprised someone like you would think that gay people could be so easily diverted from their sexuality.
Patrick: Conversion can happen, course it can.
Jill: You think so?
Patrick: Sure, it's just a matter of meeting the right person.
Jill: Well, that's rather an unusual view.
Patrick: In fact, it's just a matter of... sitting right next to the right person at dinner.
Jill: Well, that's very flattering.
Patrick: You agree with me, then?
Jill: Well, I don't know if I agree with you exactly, but, um, I think you're very kind.
Patrick: Really? [Winks at Steve who mouths "What are you doing"?]
Sally: Anyway, I think Steve was going to tell us a story, unless, of course, he's too embarassed.
Steve: Okay, um, Lesbian Spank Inferno, opens with 5 lesbian filmmakers, um, a collective, you might say, who are having a competition, to see who can make the best lesbian film.
Sally: Filmmakers?
Steve: Right, independent filmmakers.
Sally: Meaning?
Steve: Meaning they're not the kind of girls who want to deal with the studio bosses, the focus groups, all that industry schmoozing.
Sally: Meaning they got cameras in their bedrooms.
Steve: So neatly avoiding the whole studio system.
Sally: [Wags her index finger] Very clever.
Steve: Yes. So, during the opening act of the film, they're meeting up to see each other's films and see who did the best one.
Susan: And I'm guessing we see all the films.
Steve: Exactly. We see each film, within a film, as the... tension mounts.
Jill: Do those films have plots, too?
Steve: w- w- well, no, they're more sort of... mood pieces.
Sally: Expressionistic?
Steve: Very much so.
Jeff: At the top of their voices.
Steve: Yes, thank you Jeff, you can stop helping me now! So, basically, um, they watch the films, they pick a winner. That's the movie. There you go.
Sally: And what does the winner get? Isn't she presented with some kind of trophy, or something?
Steve: Well, yeah, yeah, um, she gets a sort of trophy, yes.
Jeff: A trophy? Oh, that!
Jill: What kind of trophy?
Jeff: Three speeds!
Steve: Yes Jeff, you can stop helping me now!
Patrick: What about the spanking? Not a whole lot of spanking there, you know?
Steve: Thank you for bringing that up, Patrick. God knows it might have slipped by unnoticed.
Patrick: No problem.
Susan: So, the spanking then?
Steve: Well, um, as a spur to, uh, future excellence amongst the lesbian film collective, they decide that the loser, the one who made the worst film, better have a bit of a spanking.
Susan: She must be a bit pissed off.
Steve: Oddly enough, she suggests it.
Susan: She suggests it?
Steve: She's very dedicated.
Jane: Oh, it's not much of an inferno, though, is it? On person?
Steve: It goes on a bit.
Sally: Why is that exactly? Very strict collective, is it?
Steve: Well, she keeps saying; "Ooh, don't stop".
Jill: Why?
Steve: I think she feels quite badly about her film.
Sally: Still not much of an inferno, Steve.
Steve: Well, then the winner says, um... "Ooh, I want a spanking, too".
Jill: Why?
Sally: Two people. Still not much of an inferno.
Steve: Well, then, they all decide they want a bit of a spanking.
Jill: Yeah, but why?
Steve: Sisterhood? Oh, god. [Buries face in hands]
Jill: How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?
Steve: Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them! We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal, we're already enjoying the view. Look, it's the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a boy is. And if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective. Look, I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table there. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton invented the printing press, we were using it to make pictures of - hey! - naked bottoms. We've turned the internet into an enormous international database of... naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not so sure how insulted you really ought to be. [Jeff and Patrick break out in applause]
Jeff: Go! You're the man!
Sally: The rest of your life?
Steve: What?
Sally: You want to spend the rest of your life with me?
Steve: Yeah.
Jane: I'm an emotional vegetarian. I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films.

The Girl with Two Breasts [1.5]

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Jeff: I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
Steve: You draw the line at intelligent breasts?
Jeff: I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.
Jeff: Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind?... Make all women telepathic because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they'd kill us all on the spot. Men are not people. We are disgustoids in human form!
Steve: Well, how'd it go?
Jeff: She's leaving the country, doesn't speak English, I insulted her friend's breasts and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.
Steve: Well, you've had worse.

The Cupboard of Patrick's Love [1.6]

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Jeff: You know, when I was a kid, I used to write the word "naked" hundreds of times on a bit of paper and then rub my face in it. It's better than sex.
Sally: "Room in your cupboard for one more"? You said that?
Jane: Yeah. I really thought I'd gone to his house, you know, to "heal our spiritual divide," but it turns out I was just gagging for a shag. Those two are so similar!

Series Two

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The Man With Two Legs [2.1]

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Patrick: There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?
Jeff: Yeah.
Patrick: And you haven't had sex with her?
Jeff: No.
Patrick: You see my problem?
Steve: Let me explain, Patrick. Here on Earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call conversation. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.
Patrick: Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.
Steve: Well, do the women talk too?
Patrick: [Pause] Well, they must do.
Jane: I've always wanted to date a gynaecologist. I want to know I'm special.
Jeff: But what about my legs, Steve? She's bound to count them eventually!
Jeff: I've got the key to the gates of paradise... but I've got too many legs!

My Dinner in Hell [2.2]

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Steve: You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.
[Patrick doesn't realize a sculpture of his penis was actually for a sex toy]
Steve: I think you may have been had, mate.
Jeff: And a lot more often than you realize.

Her Best Friend's Bottom [2.3]

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[Steve is relating the fact that he accidentally saw Sally naked]
Jeff: So, how was it?
Steve: It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.
Sally: Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.
Steve: What are they [cushions] for?
Store Manager: You sit on them.
Steve: Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
Jane: It's... you know, padding.
Steve: Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!
Susan: Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!

The Melty Man Cometh [2.4]

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Steve: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?
Jeff: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?
Steve: [Snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."
Jeff: You never called her "baby" before.
Steve: You've never called anyone "baby" before.
Jeff: So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.
Steve: Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!
Jeff: [Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!
Steve: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
Steve: "Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"
Jeff: [Hand goes down] Pufff.
Patrick: [With terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?
Steve: ["Duh!" voice] We don't.
Jeff: I haven't had sex in years.
Steve: It's just not possible anymore.
Jeff: We are followers of the Melty Man.
Steve: And you're one of us now.
Jane: You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.
Sally: You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.
Jane: Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.
Patrick: [Learning about the Melty Man] So who is he?
Steve: The arch enemy of trouser confidence.
Jeff: Professor Moriarty in groin form.
Steve: Darth Vader...
Jeff: ...without the helmet.

Jane and the Truth Snake [2.5]

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Jane: I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.
Steve: This week's top tip from Children's Hour.
Jane: I'm reporting traffic, there's bound to be casualties!

Gotcha [2.6]

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Steve: Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!
Sally: Did you know that your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon, they're going to have to cut a hole in the veil!
Jeff: Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don't you? I don't mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. "Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going?"

Dressed [2.7]

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Jeff: You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the VAA: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight back to base camp.
Patrick: [On inventing a fake marriage] What choice did I have? I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay!
Jeff: [As Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?
Steve: It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!
Jeff: Naked?
Steve: Completely! She's only got her coat!
Jeff: Can I speak to her? [He takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.
Jane: [Bewildered] Hi, Jeff...
Jeff: [Grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [He walks off]
Jane: Jeff?
Steve: Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.

Naked [2.8]

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Sally: It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.
Steve: You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?
Jeff: I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'?
Steve: Well... not being called Jeffery.
Jeff: 'Oh Jeffery', always so disappointed.
Jeff: I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.
Steve: I'm sure you always... lend a hand.
Jeff: Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"

The End of the Line [2.9]

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Jeff: You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex.
Steve: Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.
Jeff: You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.
Jane: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.
Sally: But you're Jane.
Jane: Kinda stuck. It's a long story.
Patrick: Julia's pants... are they really tiny?
Jeff: You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!
Patrick: Jeff?
Jeff: Yeah?
Patrick: They spread.
Jeff: What?
Patrick: Pants. They spread, and grow.
Steve: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.
Patrick: You start off with that sexy little thong...
Steve: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.
Jeff: [Scared]] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.
Steve: Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [Gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
[Jeff and Patrick stare at him]
Steve: Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.
Jeff: What's wrong?
Steve: Susan's slept with Australia!

Series Three

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Split [3.1]

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Jeff: Women remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own.
Sally: You've always got to send a man a book when you split up, to prove how you're a caring, giving person, and how they're going to die in a pit of their own filth.
Susan: [Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day – the very same day – I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men – and I don't mean to generalise – are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realise that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an inducement! "No pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all humankind!" That's harrassment! But you know what? Do you know what's even more crap than men? WE are more crap than men! All those stupid books you guys had and... and these magazines! A hundred pages of "Men are useless bastards" and an article on why you should wake them up with a blow job! Am I alone on spotting the inconsistency here? And these places [beauty parlours] 'cause, for God's sake, don't let them see what we really look like! Just let them enjoy the results; don't let them see how it all happens.
Jane: You know... I went out with Steve for six years...
Susan: No, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.
Jane: Oh... well it seemed longer.
Susan: Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week; it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?
Sally: Eggs.

Faithless [3.2]

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Jeff: Do you know what arses are, Patrick? Arses are the human race's favourite thing. We like them on each other, we like them on magazine covers, we even like them on babies! When it itches, we like to scratch them, when its cold, we like to warm them, and who among us, in a lonely moment hasn't reached back for a discreet fondle? When God gave us our arses he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. Cause when God made the arse he didn't say "Hey it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early." He said "Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name!"
Steve: It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair! Because you always know what we want.
Patrick: Yeah, because we always have the decency to only want one thing.
Steve: And do you ever thank us for making it so simple?
Patrick: Never.
Patrick: [On the phone to Jeff] We have our advisors online.
Steve: [Pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.
Susan: This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.
Patrick: [On the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.
Steve: He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.
Sally: Why doesn't he know already?
Steve: Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.
Susan: Need any help translating THAT one?
Sally: These are my ovaries
Susan: Please come inside.
Patrick: [On the phone to Jeff] Careful, Jeff, she's packin' ovaries!

Unconditional Sex [3.3]

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Jeff: I have a girlfriend!
Wilma: So you keep saying, so why are you here?
Jeff: Well, I-I-I just...
Wilma: She really does exist, this girlfriend?
Jeff: Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence. [Beat] Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that.
Susan: I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick."
Steve: Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent.
Susan: The deterrent?
Steve: Well, yeah. You know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace.
Susan: Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War.
Steve: Which, may I remind you, really lasted.
Susan: So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction?
Steve: Oh, among many other things.
Jeff: I'm not bad. I've never been bad... I'm fairly new to mild naughtiness.

Remember This [3.4]

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Sally: I don't want to look great. I want to look thin.
Jeff: You know jelly-wrestling... which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it... OK, well, think about this. Afterwards, after the wrestling, what happens to the jelly? Because you could sell that. That is a missed opportunity. You could bottle it and sell it... You take the women out first, obviously.

The Freckle, the Key and the Couple Who Weren't [3.5]

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Jeff: [Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewellery.
Steve: You what?
Jeff: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item.
Steve: Right?
Jeff: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewellery...
Steve: No, no, Jeff please. "Normally"... has never been used in the sentence before.
Jeff: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover.
Steve: OK.
Jeff: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hoovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take its course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewellery box.
Steve: I see.
Jeff: Not directly, of course.
Steve: I was clinging to that hope.
Susan: Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. No matter which way you turn, they're still facing you.

The Girl with One Heart [3.6]

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Jeff: Sally could be a lesbian! ...It could happen! She could be having a shower maybe. and probably Jane would be there. And she might happen to say, "Jane, could you help me soap my breasts?" "Your breasts, Sally?" "Yes, Jane, it's those tricky undersides." "Oh, I know what you mean, Sally, breasts can be a real dirt-trap."
Steve: You do realise there is a difference between real life and low-quality lesbian porn?!
[Susan has removed the lock from the bathroom door, and doesn't understand why Steve is so upset about it]
Susan: Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about?
Steve: [Slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, what in the name of God's arse is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this...Fortress of Solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgement. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.
[A long pause]
Susan: Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?
Steve: Would you mind?
Susan: You should have asked.
[Jeff solves the toilet door problem by using a wedge to keep the door shut]
Jeff: Area secure, 007.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps [3.7]

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Susan: Have you phoned Sally yet?
Patrick: No.
Susan: Well phone her soon, Patrick. Or, no offence, I'll rip your throat out.
Patrick: Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic...ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right.
Sally: I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly-Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid arse. I want you.
Patrick: For God's sakes, Sally.
Sally: What? What?!
Patrick: I was talking about me!
Sally: I'm sor— You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever?
Patrick: [Gesturing to self] Well, yes!
Steve: [Nervously] How???...Who???...What???...Hippo!!
Susan: [After announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.

Series Four

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Nine and a Half Minutes [4.1]

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[Oliver approaches Susan who is holding a breast pump]
Oliver: Is that yours?
Susan: Yes.
Oliver: Is it specially adapted for really tiny puppies?
Susan: Piss off.
Oliver: Craziness!

Nightlines [4.2]

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Sally: Look, when I said have a baby... I didn't mean, I just meant... socially!
Patrick: Socially?
Sally: To tea.
Patrick: Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish.
Susan: Don't say that!
Steve: Hormones!
Susan: Bollocks!
Patrick: Doesn't this all seem a little early?
Sally: Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal.
Steve: You've already got a cat.
Sally: Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!
Steve: You went out and pulled a pregnant woman. What were you thinking?
Patrick: Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."
Sally: She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!
Steve: Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!

Bed Time [4.3]

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Oliver: Do you know how long it's been since I've had sex?
Patrick: Two years.
Oliver: [A little affronted] Seven months.
Steve: Bed thieves are operating in your area. Secure all doors and windows and make a large pile of raggy dolls in the centre of your duvet.
Sally: [Singing] I'm Susan, the happy trotting elf! I trot and trot and bounce and bounce! I smile a lot and that's what counts! I'm Suuuusan! The happy, trotting, smile-a-lotting elf! I'm polite, so just for clarity, when I'm cross I say "apparent-LY!" I'm Suuuusan, the happy, trotting, smile-a-lotting--! [Falls off couch]
Susan: [Folds arms]

Circus of the Epidurals [4.4]

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[Steve, Patrick, and Oliver are at an ante-natal class]
Steve: Right, the question of pain relief.
Patrick: Yes
Oliver: Absolutely.
Steve: Sorted.
Oliver: So how are we supposed to pad this out?
Steve: [Looks over at Susan] I suppose we could discuss the different methods.
Patrick: Drugs.
Oliver: Yeah, drugs.
Steve: Sorted.

The Naked Living Room [4.5]

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Jane: Actually I prefer videos.
Oliver: What?
Jane: I prefer porn in video form, it's more realistic. Do you have any of those?

Nine and a Half Months [4.6]

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Patrick: Sometimes a man is faced with the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. And he only misses by one.
Sally: Did you sleep with Jane?
Patrick: All right, before I say anything that might inadvertently seem to confirm or deny that fact, yes I did. [Quickly realising what he has just said] Damn it!
Susan: [Trying to encourage Oliver to sleeping with Jane] Just look at her. She's a beautiful, sexy woman and she's never had an orgasm. Well there's your challenge, your Everest.
Steve: What are you waiting for, Oliver? Mount Jane! [Realises what he said] That wasn't actually meant to sound like instruction...

Cast

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