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Conker: Live & Reloaded

2005 video game

Conker: Live & Reloaded is a 2005 Xbox remake of Conker's Bad Fur Day, which comes with a multiplayer campaign mode.

Dialogue

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[The camera shows a close-up of Conker, then slowly zooms out, showing many characters around him]
Conker: [voiceover] Well, there I am. Conker the king. King of all the land. Who'd have thought that? "But how did I come to this?", I hear you say. "And who are those strange fellows that surround my throne?", that you also say. Well, it's a long story. Come closer, and I'll tell you. It all started yesterday. What a day that was. It's what I call a Bad Fur Day.
[Scene changes to Berri working out while singing, then zooms out to her phone]
Berri's answering message: Hi. You've reached, like, Berri's place. I'm not available to answer the phone, obviously! However, if you leave your, like, name and number, and sound cute, I may ring you back. Ciao!
Conker: [on phone] Hi Berri. Hello... Berri if you're there, pick up. Hello! Oh. Anyway, look...
[Scene changes to the bar]
Conker: I'm going to be a bit late. Met up with a couple of guys, and they're off tomorrow to some...I dunno, fight some war somewhere. Anyway.
[Scene changes back to Berri’s phone]
Conker: [on phone] I'll see ya. Love you!
[There is laughter in the background and the scene changes to Conker hanging up the phone]
Conker: I think she bought it.
Random person: [offscreen] Conker, put the phone down.
Conker: Oh, okay! Right! Whose round was it?
Everyone: [offscreen] YOURS!
Conker: What? Again? Okay, can someone lend me a fiver?
[Much Later...]
Conker: Ugh. I don't feel so good now. You guys enjoy yourselves and all that, and I'll probably see you sometime next week. I gotta go home. I'll go this way. No, that's the toilets. I'll go this way then. Yep, That's better.
[Outside the bar]
Conker: Doesn’t look too good tonight. Ugh. Ooh. Hang on a sec. [He pukes on the ground next to a monk, having the puke splash nearby on the monk. And the monk snarls] Ah ha. Sorry about that old chap. I gotta go.
[Conker walks off the right of the screen and appears in front of a sign]
Conker: Can’t quite make it out. Anyway, seems pretty familiar to me. [Behind him wasps are stealing a beehive]
Wasp: C’mon, c’mon! Quick! Quick! Quick!
Conker: [turns around just after they pass] Huh? What was that? Oh, well. This way I suppose.
[At the castle, scene changes to the throne room, showing the Panther King]
Slim Weasel Guard: More milk, sire?
Panther King: Yes.
[Panther King holds out a glass, Slim Weasel Guard pours milk into. Panther King takes a gulp and sets the glass down on a table with quite an obvious problem. The table tips and the glass falls over onto the floor. Slim Weasel Guard gulps, Panther King panting in anger and he roars]
Conker: [He wakes up with a hangover, moans and looks around with beer vision. He coughs and gags] Oh, no. It’s gonna be one of those days...
Birdy the Scarecrow: [wakes up] Uh. Who are you?
Conker: Oh. Hello. Can you help me? [moans] I need to get home and go to bed cause I don't feel very well at all.
Birdy the Scarecrow: Err. Home? No. No.
Conker: Oh. So you can’t help me at all?
Birdy the Scarecrow: Actually, yeah. Yes. I can. Maybe.
Conker: Um, okay. What’s your name?
Birdy the Scarecrow: Birdy.
Conker: Beardy? But you haven’t got a beard.
Birdy the Scarecrow: No. Birdy. I scare birdies.
Conker: Okay, Birdy. How can you help me?
Birdy the Scarecrow: Right! Step over here.
Birdy the Scarecrow: You see those buttons? Actually, you'll find that they're called context sensitive. And, eh, well, actually, they eh, press B.
Conker: Press B?
Birdy: Oh yeah. The light comes on and it makes this noise. Ting! Ting noise. It goes ting.
[A light bulb appears over Conker’s head and makes the “ting noise”]
Birdy the Scarecrow: There you go. Ting. That’s it.
Conker: That’s it?
Birdy the Scarecrow: Yeah.
Conker: Okay. I’ll press B.
[Conker pulls out a bottle of beer]
Birdy the Scarecrow: Ah. Don’t mind if I do. [He drinks it]
Conker: So what does that mean?
Birdy the Scarecrow: It means context sensitive. It’s sensitive to context. Try it over there. [He points to the other B pad]
Conker: Okay.
Birdy the Scarecrow: Or you could try it again.
[If you try it again there Conker pulls out a bottle of helium. Birdy swipes it and inhales it.]
Birdy the Scarecrow: [In a high voice] Really nice helium.
[If you press B again, Conker pulls out another bottle of beer. Birdy takes it]
Birdy the Scarecrow: Ah. Don’t mind if I do. Thank you very much. [He chugs it] Ah. I’m going to bed now. Night-night. [sleeping]
Conker: [He pulls out a glass of water and pills, puts the pills in water, they dissolve, and he drinks it. Bye-bye hang over. Conker then pitches the glass behind him] Wow. Just what I needed. In fact, it would seem to me that these give me just what I need at that moment in time...ooh...I see what he means. Context sensitive. Clever! And I feel loads better! Right! Let's get out of here. Oh, and by the way. If for whatever reason you want to skip all these wonderful cut scenes, then just pull the left trigger. But, you will have to have watched them at least once.
Conker: [thinking] Oh. I can't seem to get any further. I'm sure there was something...ah, yes. Now I remember! Pull the right trigger down and I should crouch. Now then, what was it? Oh yeah! Press A to jump extra high. Then Press A again to do that funny helicoptery tail thing. Now that makes me hover. Hmmm... I should easily get across that gap. Are you sure you’ve got that?
[On the top of the bridge]
Conker: Ah. Who's this guy?
Gary the Gargoyle: If you think you're coming this way, you can think again.
Conker: Oh, you're a real charmer. I just wanna get past, please.
Gary the Gargoyle: No! I don't think so. I've only just got comfy. Have you ever sat on a piece of gothic architecture for 200 years? Gets right up your arse you know. Thought it was about time to move to a bridge, say, and I'm not moving now.
Conker: Isn't it a little bit early in the day to start talking about gothic architecture?
Gary the Gargoyle: Well, if you care to come a bit closer, we can discuss things of another nature.
Conker: Hang on a second. This is really no good at all. Hmm, I need a weapon. [He walks over to a weapon rack] Ahh, that should do it. Eenie, meenie, miney, (humming) mo! A frying pan.
Conker: [thinking] Weapons. Cool! Okay, here’s the score. Press B to equip and put away. Then, once equipped, pull the right trigger to swipe. Are you sure you’ve got that?
[Three enemies come out of the ground and one swallows the key]
Conker: Oh, just great! I thought the designers said this was just a straight port. What a hack! Now, which one was it?
[When Conker hits the Gargoyle with the frying pan...]
Gary the Gargoyle: A frying pan. You stupid little ****!
Conker: [thinking] Hmm... wasn't he meant to fall off here? [to Gary the Gargoyle] Hey, weren't you meant to fall off here?
Gary the Gargoyle: Yes. But the designer thought it wise to change the training level a bit, to fool the audience into thinking that the rest of the game would also be... different. I'm afraid you'll have to try something else.
Conker: [thinking] Hmm. Well, lucky I brought this as well then.
[Conker pulls out a baseball bat and hits the Gargoyle with it, causing it to get crushed by a giant boulder]
Conker: Hey, Mr. Designer. No more surprises please.
Conker: Plunger with dynamite. Um, I think I know what’s gonna happen now. [He pushes the plunger down and the giant rock explodes] Whoa! Yep. Fantastic. Let’s go and get some shut-eye… finally!
[At the castle, meet the scientist in a scientist's lab, Professor Von Kriplespac. He is floating around in his hover-chair]
Professor Von Kriplespac: Have I got everything? Have I got everything? Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! You know what he's like. You know what he's like. Make a good entrance. Zis could be important.
[Professor Von Kriplespac hovers slowly over to the Panther King]
Panther King: Ah. Professor. I have a job for you. As you can see, the table.
Professor Von Kriplespac: Ze table! Ah yes. So, you have spill ze milk again? That's not good. Not good! Let me have a look at it for you. Yes. I...I think I see the problem. I vill see vat I can do. You must give me a moment, though. I vill come back later. [He starts to hover out but]
Panther King: Don’t be too long.
Professor Von Kriplespac: I vill be as quick as I can sire.
Panther King: Cause you know what happened last time.
Professor Von Kriplespac: Oh. Heh. Only too well. Only too well. I vill go now. [He starts to hover out again, but]
Panther King: I don’t want to have to get the duct tape out again.
Professor Von Kriplespac: Yes. I mean, no. I don’t vant you to get the duct tape out again. Goodbye! Goodbye!
[The scene changes to the scientist’s lab]
Professor Von Kriplespac: Duct tape! I’ll give him the duct tape. ******* ********. I’ll come down here. I’ll show him where the duct tape is. I’ll show him where to stuff it! Stupid ******! All I do all day is try to sort his stupid ******* problems out. *******! I ******* hate that ******! Anyway, vat vere ve? Ze milk, ze milk, ze table, ze table. Oh, vat shall ve do vit zis? Um. Clean slate, ja, clean slate. Anti-gravity chocolate is...kinda vurking. Ah. Zat vill do. [As he hits the Anti-gravity chocolate out the window] Out the ******* window vit zat.
Queen Bee: Oh, those nasty, nasty wasps. What ever shall we do? My beautiful hive has gone, and I’ll never see it again.
Conker: What do you want me to do about it?
Queen Bee: Please get it back for us. Otherwise, I don’t know what we’re going to do.
Conker: Ok. Ok. Calm down. I’ll go and get it for you. Now, where is it?
Queen Bee: Just follow the signs.
Wayne the Wasp: Hey! Some wise guy’s trying to steal our nice new hive!
Slim Wasp: Come on, boss. Let’s go get him.
Fat Wasp: Yeah! Let’s get him.
[When it return the hive, it turns into a gun turret. Queen Bee will hop inside and aims at the slim wasp, gulps]
Conker: Eat lead, mother buzzer.
[Queen Bee open fires, taking out two of the wasps and leaving Wayne]
Wayne the Wasp: You’ll never get me!
[A single shot is fired from the turret killing Wayne. Queen Bee gets out of the turret]
Queen Bee: Oh, thank you, Mr. Squirrel. None of this would have happened if it weren’t for that no-good husband of mine. He’s gone off, you know, with another woman.
Conker: Oh. Really. That doesn’t surprise me.
Queen Bee: What?
Conker: Nothing!
Queen Bee: Anyway. As a reward for your good service to the bee community, I present you with this.
[A wad of money appears behind the beehive and goes over to Conker]
Money: Somebody call for me?
[In true cartoon fashion, Conker’s eyes turn into dollar signs and spin]
Money: Who wants some of the dough?
Conker: [He pockets the money] Yeah! Cash prizes.
Beetle #1: Alright, who’s this?
Beetle #2: It looks like one of them squirrels.
Beetle #1: I reckon we should go down there and kick the **** out of him?
Beetle #2: Ah, wait til he comes up here, alright?
Beetle #1: Yeah, okay then.
Birdy the Scarecrow: Hello. It’s me again. Mr. Scarecrow, Birdy. Right what seems to be the problem? Oh yes. You need manual. Otherwise, no. Doesn’t work. It’ll cost you.
Conker: Okay, how much?
Birdy the Scarecrow: Eh, Got any mepsipax?
Conker: What?
Birdy the Scarecrow: Don’t matter. Actually, I think, well, eh, ten dollar. Long time. You love manual long time.
Conker: Here you go.
Birdy the Scarecrow: [pockets the money] Here ya go. [He gives Conker the manual] Manual. Just press B. [He goes off farting with the money in his back pocket]
Money: Oh! Ugh! Ah! Get me outta here! Hey you come here! Come on! [He hops out and goes back over to Conker] I wanna go back in there! Hurry up!
Conker: Okay. Suits me. Yeah. Cash. [He pockets the money]
Conker: [opens the manual, thinking] Ah. Seems to be an instruction book. Oh, I see. It's for the more complex stuff. It will appear the first time you use a more complex zone. And, if you need again, just pull the left trigger and press B. To skip it, just press B. The catapult. Let's see now. Use control stick to aim...and the right trigger to fire. That seems simple enough.
Conker: Hmm. Let’s see. That way...[He looks to the left]...or that way. [He looks to the right] Hmm... that way smells a bit pooey. Hmm. Let me see. Hmmm.
[Professor Von Kriplespac in his lab]
Professor Von Kriplespac: So. What is ze key elements in this experimentation. We have ze table here. And ze milk in ze glass broken. Ah. I see the problem. Oh. And there seems to be a… hmm. Seems to be a… hmm. I must do some experiments I think. Ja. Ja we will sort this out. And when my tediz are ready, then, my lord, we will see who uses the duct tape.
Jack: I say, uh, I say little fella. You’d better get this fat-ass bitch off a my back pronto.
Conker: Gee, so many people around here want me to solve their problems. What are you gonna do for me then?
Jack: I’ll tell you want I'm gonna do. I say, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. You get rid of that freaking mouse critter and maybe I’ll help you out. Just maybe. Oh, just one more thing, I say, just one more thing. You may run into my friend Burt. Just mention my name, Jack, and everything will be just dandy.
[At the cheese corral]
Conker: Hi. You must be Burt.
Burt: I’m Burt.
Conker: Jack sent me.
Burt: I'll open the gate for you here, and you can get on with what is it ever you're trying to do.
[The gate opens]
Conker: That’s all you do? Great.
[When you take the first piece of cheese to Marvin]
Marvin the Mouse: That was nice! [burps] I'd like another though, if that's okay.
[A second piece of cheese to Marvin]
Marvin the Mouse: Marvelous! One more should just about do it.
[The last piece of cheese to Marvin, but he gets extremely fat and passes gas a lot]
Conker: Uh oh.
Marvin the Mouse: Oh no! I think I've had too much! [explodes]
[The Giant purple female box jumps off of Jack]
Jack: Ahhh. I couldn't a lasted a moment longer there. Thank you very much, Mr. Squirrel. There's something real neat inside that barn. You just gotta get in there, sonny.
[Conker walks inside the barn and all the haystacks stop jumping around except for the little one]
Conker: Hey you! Over there!
[The little haystack stops jumping]
Little Haystack: Huh?
Conker: Yeah, you. Apparently there's something real neat inside this barn. I can't quite see it myself. Unless, of course, some guys jumping around stinking of horse poo's real neat. Which, of course, it isn't.
Little Haystack: This is pretty neat.
[The door shuts and locks behind Conker. The camera goes over to a Reg the paintbrush, Ron the paintpot and Franky the pitchfork]
Ron: Hey Franky. I think there's a little fella over there just coming in through the door. I think it's your turn… is it his turn?
Reg: Yeah, yeah. I think it's his turn. Franky go kick his ass! Go on kick his ass!
Franky: I ain't kicking. It's always my turn to kick their asses.
Ron: Franky just go over there and kick his ass for ******* sake.
Reg: Yeah, go over there and kick his ass. Somebody's gotta kick his ass ain't gonna be me! I'm a brush I don't kick ass.
Ron: I'm a paint pot, anyway, I'm a ******* paint pot. Go and kick his ass.
Franky: I..I...oh, ok, I'll kick his ass...but I'm not going over there he can come over here.
Ron: Ok, ok, hey, hey, quick, here he comes, quick, quick, just keep still, keep still.
[All three of them act like they aren't moving]
Franky: What the damn diddly-squat are you doing in my barn?
Conker: Well, I never. It's a talking pitchfork.
Franky: Not from around here, are ya boy?
Conker: No. I'm from the twenty-first century.
Franky: I don't rightly recollect liking your type...Therefore I conclude I'm gonna kick your butt all around this barn like there's no tomorrow. I's gonna stick my big fork into yers.
Conker: Were your parents related...like, before they were married?
Franky: Right. That's it. I's gonna give you a whuppin'. Here we go!
Ron: I've seen some kicking ass in my time, and that is the *********, crapest, crapiest, ********* kick ass I've ever seen.
Reg: Yeah, heh, yeah, that was pretty crap. I could kick as kicking ass goes, it was abysmal and you is a ******* bastard, stupid bastard heh... isn't he?
Ron: Yeah, he sure is. So, what're ya gonna do now, kill yourself, cause that's what I would recommend.
Reg: Yeah. You should kill yourself. In fact, we got a rope right here.
Ron: Yeah, we've got a rope. There ya go.
Franky: What kind of friends are you? Eh.. a.. oh, in that case, I's gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself right now. That's all there is to it. **** you!
[Camera shows Franky hanging from the roof of the barn]
Ron: What are you doing? [laughs] You stupid bastard! [laughing] He hasn't even got a neck!
Reg: Yeah, look at him up there stupid bastard hasn't even got a neck. He hasn't got a neck, has he?
Ron: I already said that. Shut up!
Reg: Oh. Okay.
Franky: I don't believe it. I don't appear to have a neck of any description. In fact, I ain't even got an oesophagus. Oooh..diddle di damn. I's gonna be up here for some time.
Giant Haystack: So, my nemesis is defeated.
[Reg and Ron shudder close to each other]
Giant Haystack: Hah. Yes. It's me again. Right. Time to wonder around aimlessly. [He starts jumping around]
King Bee: Hey Buddy. Could you spare me a dime? Hey buddy! Don't ignore me ah they always ignore me. HEY!
Conker: Eh? Oh... what do you want?
King Bee: Ya know, in my own country I am a king!
Conker: Oh. Really.
King Bee: Yeah. That bitch threw me out. Apparently, the hive keeps getting stolen. I don't care. Couldn't fit in the ******* thing anyway. Seen how fat she is. Bitch! Now I'm reduced to the status of a bum.
Conker: Well... Yeah. Anyway, I gotta go now.
King Bee: Eh. You're like the rest of them. I ain't gonna tell you about the big-breasted babe then.
Conker: Uh... the big what?
King Bee: Ah. Thought that might have got your attention. She's lovely. That’s why the wife kicked me out. All I wanna do is pollinate her. She's got stigmas like you wouldn't believe.
Conker: What do you mean? I thought you said she had big....
King Bee: Yeah. Over there, behind us.
[A camera point-view to the sunflower]
Conker: Hang on a second. Breasts? But she's a sunflower....
King Bee: Yeah. What did you expect her to be? She's a sunflower with big breasts! I'm a bee! Stupid bastard.
Conker: Ok, there's no need to get offensive now.
King Bee: Sorry. You gotta help me out, buddy. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Conker: Well, what's in it for me?
King Bee: Cash.
Conker: That'll do...but I thought you were begging?
King Bee: Well...uh...yeah...just...yeah...
Conker: Hey. Uh... could you help me out here? [Sunflower giggling] There's a guy over there. He says he wants to...something to do with stigmas...Not quite sure. Pollinate you? Sounds a bit strange, but...
Sunflower: Go away. oh. That big tail of yours is far too tickly. [giggling]
Conker: Uh. No, you don't understand...hey!
Sunflower: Get that big, long, hairy tail away from me! [giggling]
Conker: Ah, suit yourself then.
Sunflower: Be like that.
Conker: Hi guys. [Ticklish Bees to swarm him] Ah! No. Ah! [laughs] No! Get off! [laughs] Don't do that! Whaddya do? No that tickles that tickles. Stop that. Stop it!
[Ticklish Bees buzzing]
Conker: You're tickly bees?
[Ticklish Bees buzzing]
Conker: You're pacifists?
[Ticklish Bees buzzing]
Conker: You only like to tickle people...
[Ticklish Bees buzzing]
Conker: Ticklish flowers?
[Ticklish Bees buzzing]
Conker: Like, sunflowers, maybe?
[Ticklish Bees buzzing]
Conker: Hmmm. I think I've got a plan.
[Ticklish Bees tickling to Sunflower stands up and reveals herself]
Conker: There ya go. She's all yours.
King Bee: Oh. Ah. Thank you very much. I'm going in. Wish me luck fella.
[King Bee flies in. Camera looks at Conker. Sex sounds are in the background as Conker makes faces]
King Bee: Cheers, little fella. I feel like a new man.
Sunflower: So do I. Conker, honey. Fancy going for a bounce?
Conker: A bounce? Ok. Now this is what I call a platform game!
[In the rafters]
Bat #1: [In squeaking] Hey Barry. Look at this ******!
[Conker walks in]
Barry the Bat: [In squeaking] But I'm blind you ****.
Bat #1: [In squeaking] Oh use your ******* radar!
[Conker tosses hundreds of knives at Franky]
Franky: Ow! Ooh! Ow! Hey! Woah! Ah! Uh! What the hell you trying to do? [A side-flying clever cuts the rope] This is gonna hurt. [He falls to the ground. Reg and Ron laugh at him]
Ron: What'd you do that for? Dumb ****?
Reg: Yeah...Ya dumb **** heh heh.
Ron: Why is it you have to repeat everything I say?
Reg: I don't repeat everything you say...do I?
Ron: Yes, you do, actually.
Reg: Oh. Sorry.
Franky: Why. Thank you Mr. Squirrel. I was hanging up there by my perty little neck. It's like one of them there executions yous hear about.
[Conker looks over to the Ron and Reg. They have execution masks on with an axe. Conker starts to look away, turn back real fast, and they're back to normal]
Conker: Um....yeah...anyway, what are we gonna do about this guy over here?
Franky: Well, what do you want to do about him? I'll do anything for you cause you is my bestest buddy in the whole wide world.
[Reg and Ron laughing]
Conker: Um. Just a sec. [He goes over. You can hear noises in the background. Then, plop sound, the camera zooms out to show the Reg in Ron. Reg still laughs] So. What exactly did you have in mind?
Franky: Well now. Just hop on my back here, and we is gonna go for a ride.
Conker: Yeah. Okay, but don't get any funny ideas now. This is purely a means to an end.
Franky: I don't know what you're talking about!
[Hit the hay twice and a robotic eye pops out]
Franky: Yahoo!
Conker: Uh oh.
[Giant Haystack turn around with robotic eye. Robotic eye zooms in on Conker, and scrolls through various insults. "Buff you, ********" comes up on the screen]
Hay-Bot: Buff you, ********!
[Hit him a third time and he will cause the ground to collapse. When you hit the floor below...]
Conker: Ow. I think I've hurt my leg. Aw nooo.
Franky: Eh. What's up little squirrel fella? Eh. We showed him, didn't we? Yeah! Huh. That was a piece of cake.
Conker: Yeah. It was, actually. That makes a change.
[Terminator music starts to play as camera zooms in on the fire area]
Conker: I don't think I like the sound of that music.
Franky: I don't think I like the sound of that music either.
[Hay-Bot jumps out and roars, Conker and Franky screams. and Hay-Bot zooms in on Conker again]
Hay-Bot: Suzie 9MM.
Suzie 9MM: I'm right here, sweety pie. Just tell me where to shoot.
[Suzie 9MM off and flies towards Conker. He ducks in time]
[After the last hit, Hay-Bot explodes as Conker is knocked off Franky. Robotic leg starts to hop towards Conker, but looses power and dies]
Conker: We definitely showed him that time. Um...hey, Franky? Franky! Where's he gone? Oh no. [He walks over to Franky's broken body, when the sad music plays]
Franky: Mr. Squirrel...I think I'm a goner.
Conker: You don't look too good. Um...You may be alright.
Franky: Whaddya mean alright? Look at me! I'm broken in two! I'm just firewood from now. They'll be using me as toothpicks before ya know it.
Conker: Aw, you'll be alright. C’mon.
Franky: What are ya gonna do?
Conker: Well, I've got an idea. Okay. Let's see. [taping sounds] Hey, hold still.
[Camera looks at Franky, who's now taped together]
Conker: There ya go. Good as new.
Franky: Well, it kinda feels alright. Well...it ain't so bad after all. Whaddya think?
Conker: Yeah. Looks great...
Franky: Whaddya mean?
Conker: No, it looks great!
Franky: Ya know, thank you Mr. Squirrel. I think that of all the people in the world that I've ever met, you's is gotta be the most generous, kindest, nicest, nicest ever you said.
Conker: Ok, yeah. No need to get sentimental. Anyway, we need to find a way outta here now.
Franky: Yeah, you could be right.
[Right then, water starts flooding through the holes in the pipes]
Conker: Yep. Just typical.
Franky: Oh...erm...anyway, Mr. Squirrel, I've...I've gotta go! See ya! [He hops off]
Conker: Aw! Oh well. Suppose I better start swimming. Hmm...Don't like the looks of those wires. Better be quick.
[At the castle. In the throne room, The Panther King is getting impatient, waiting for the Professor Von Kriplespac]
Panther King: He better hurry up. What are you looking at?
Slim Weasel Guard: Nothing, sire!
Panther King: Good. Ah. I think I can hear him.
Professor Von Kriplespac: [He busts in] Eureka eureka! I've found it! I've found it! Ja! eureka! Oh. Ah, my lord. Ha! You'll never guess what! I zink I have solved ze problem. Now, ve have here, if you look...[A blueprint comes out of nowhere]...ze table. If you analyze ze table closely, as I have done most particularly, you vill see zat zere is a gap! And ve're not talking any old gap here, my lord. It is a sizeable one. Now, milk goes here. Vat happens? Ve have ze fulcrum here, ze milk here. veight problem, not good. Milk falls off because of a gap. Ja. Zat is vat is ze problem. Ze gap!
Panther King: Hmm. I think I see. And, the solution?
Professor Von Kriplespac: Ah, now zis is where it gets complicated. I vas mulling over vat would fit in ze gap. I tried many zings. I tried elephants, pot plants, uh, many zings. But, ze one thing, and I vas sure of it at ze time. I vas sure it vas a rodent. And sure enough, it vas! Zis one. Furrious squidgeterrious, to use the proper vernacular. To ze lay man, ze red squirrel. Zis red squirrel.
Panther King: Hmm. Yes. Squirrel. I've heard of them. Yes. So?
Professor Von Kriplespac: So it is simple, my liege. Ve need a squirrel, and ve put him here. You no spill your milk, ve don't get duct tape.
Panther King: Hmm. Gentlemen.
[Guards were asleep, but wake up]
Slim Weasel Guard: Yes, my liege?
Panther King: Get me one of these red squirrels.
Slim Weasel Guard: Yes, my liege.
[In the poo cabin]
Dung Beetle: Hey. Alright, there. How ya doing?
Conker: Hi, how ya doing?
Dung Beetle: Would you like to come in now? Yeah, sit down. Whaddya want?
Conker: Ah. Uh, this place really smells.
Dung Beetle: Yeah, well, we're like ******* dung beetles and we roll the poo around. **** knows what for.
Conker: Oh, really.
Dung Beetle: Do you want some poo?
Conker: Um. I uh...
Dung Beetle: Alright. Get your ****** arse in there. There's these ******* cows. Get em in there. Get em to crap. And I'll make you a ball of poo. And you can do what the hell you like with it. Go on. On your bike. Are you still here? **** off!
Conker: Oh, charming.
Conker: Ah. Right, don't see any poo here. Oh. Hey, uh excuse me. Hello. Yeah, you. [Bull looks over at him] Whoa, friendly type. I'm looking for some poo. I know it sounds pretty strange, but...
Bugger Lugs the Bull: [He runs over to Conker] Red! Red! I don't like red! I hate red! Go away!
Conker: Whoa! I take it he doesn't like red. What, I don't see anything red around...[He looks down] Oh. Here we go again.
[When it fill the trough with prune juice]
Conker: Now, logic would denote that something that drinks that. Is gonna get the screaming squits. Hmm...[A target comes out of wall] Ah. That looks distinctly like a target...and there we have a bull. Yes. I think I get it.
[When it hit the target a ramp lowers and a cow named, Marta. when she comes out]
Conker: Ah, a cow. Now that could be useful. Right, this looks like it needs a little bit more hands-on control. He's a bit of a wild one...
Marta the Cow: Oh. That time again, is it? Oh, I see Bugger Lugs is out here again. Ah well. Ah. There's a nice little patch I think I'll have a little bit of grass. Moo.
[camera views the trough]
Conker: Need to get her over there somehow. Hmm.
Marta the Cow: Ooh. Stop your nonsense, young man. Goodness me. I've quite lost me appetite now. I'm gonna go for a little meander over here. Hmm. Actually, I feel a bit thirsty. A nice tasty beverage should wash this tasty grass down lovely-like. [She walks over to the trough] This looks quite nice. Looks to be cranberry flavored. Lovely. [She takes a few slurps] Hmm. Tastes a bit odd...oh well, I'll have some more. [She keeps drinking when all of a sudden her butt starts erupting with poo, farting] Ooh. Moo. Ooh. Ooh it's like the screaming ***** it is, I'm outta here! [She runs over to grate in middle of arena and craps in there] Ooh. Ooooh. Oh, I say, this is far from dignified. Oh, I hope Mavis and Olive don't see this, or I'll never hear the end of it. Oooh ohh. That's a bit...oooh...that's a bit of a...aaaahh. Ohh. I'll just stay here for a while, just in case, ya never know.
Conker: Looks like she's just about ready to go.
[Conker lands on ground, while the Bull is on the grate. The grate starts creaking]
Bugger Lugs the Bull: Why am I such a fat bas...
[Grate collapses. Conker walks over to hear Bugger Lugs yelling]
Conker: Hmmm. Seems to be filled up with poo. Aaah. That should do it.
Conker: [He pulls out a bottle of Condidence pills] Confidence pills. Hmmm. [He takes a pill and swallows it] Ah. Yeah. Hey! I feel a lot more confident. Won't need these anymore! [His floaties disappeared]
Conker: [He opens the manual, thinking] And if I'm a lot more confident, then I should be able to swim underwater now. Hmmm...how would I do that...let's see....Press B, and that should submerge me. Then, once I'm in underwater, use the left thumbstick to move, and the right thumbstick to rotate. You got that?
[It ends up in cabin. Go outside]
Dung Beetle: Yeah, there it is. Over there. A big ball of poo.
Conker: Oh thanks.
Dung Beetle: You're welcome to it, mate.
Conker: Yeah, thanks.
[Conker walks into area through water]
Lead Catfish: Yoohoo! Squirrel person. Are you begging for food, meow?
Conker: What?
Lead Catfish: Well, you look like you could do with a little extra, my boy, and we thought you might actually be interested in earning some cash. Meow.
Conker: You're offering me cash. Ok. What's the catch?
Lead Catfish: Well, there's this awful, awful brute swimming around. He's terrible, and he's stolen our valuable belongings. We need somebody disposable to go in and, well, get rid of him. Meow.
Conker: Ah. Me, you mean.
Lead Catfish: Well, you can't expect one of us to go, can he ladies? We're blue-blooded, don't you know.
Conker: Well, asses to you then! I gotta watch out for myself!
Lead Catfish: Oh dear, what language!
Catfish: Don't worry, dear. He's as common as muck. Commoners talk like that. It's dreadful, isn't it?
Lead Catfish: Let me handle it, dear. Listen here. You. Listen to me. We'll give you 10 percent, and that's our final offer! Meow!
Conker: 10 percent?
Lead Catfish: Yes, but one thing to remember. [shushes] come closer. He's easily wound up. Hmm. Yes...oh, and by the way, the safe has a combination, yes, you know what that means? Well, when it's not dangerous down there for us, hmm, come back and we'll open it for you. Well, good luck, go on, chop chop, off with you, uh huh, meow.
[Some catfishes swim off]
Conker: Hang on a sec. What was that about disposable? Hey! Uh... ah well, cash.
Carl: **** off!
Conker: Why is it that everybody is so offensive round here?
Carl: Either bring me back me missing cogs, or **** off!
Conker: You don't have to shout.
Carl: I'm deaf. Speak up or **** off!
Conker: Hmmm...hang on a second. [He flips Carl upside-down, revealing Quentin]
Quentin: Well, hello. Well aren't you the handsome one. Tell me, would you be prepared to do me a small favor...for a little help, of course.
Conker: Hi... and, um, yes I would... maybe.
Quentin: You see, my other self has lost some of his, shall we say friends? And if you don't get them back my life will be a misery, it already is.
Conker: And?
Quentin: Just get them back, there's a good fellow. Oh ta ta! Ta ta! [He flips back around for Carl]
Carl: Eh! You ****! Don't ever do that again! Or **** off!
Bat #1: [In squeaking] Hey! Who's that furry ****?
Bat #2: [In squeaking] Where? I can't see!
Bat #1: [In squeaking] Oh for ****'s sake.
[Conker slips the Cog on facing towards the wall]
Carl: Ey up, bloody hell. Put it on, quick. Put it on I like it like that! Ooooohhh...[sighs] Fan-*******-tastic!
Conker: Eh...oh, hang on, I think I got it on the wrong way around.
Carl: Like bugger you have, what ya doing? What....
[Conker changes it's direction]
Carl: Ah, ****!
Carl: Yeah go on. Get t'another one of them.
Carl: Thanks ****-head. Now, go on **** off with ya.
[After running on the wheel. Bulldog is swimming outside when his chain starts tightening. Blood comes out of his mouth as he's dragged backwards, He starts barking. That scene goes back to Conker running on the wheel]
Conker: [panting, running] I gotta get off this thing! [He jumps off and camera goes over to Carl, who's spinning around. He then flies off his peg]
Carl: Ooh. ********-shite! That's tossed it right up the ****.
[Lady Cogs jump off pegs]
Female Cog: I do declare, ladies. We are free at last to exact our revenge on this evil cog. Grab him!
[Camera goes to Conker who makes expressions as you hear lady cogs beat up on Carl. Camera fades to black. Comes back as Carl is pinned to Mr. Big Cog]
Carl: Oh no! Not Mr. Big Cog! That's me buggered. Uh. I'm outta here! [He flips around and lets Quentin come out]
Quentin: I say, I don't know what his problem is I find it rather delicious! Thank you, Mr. Squirrel.
Conker: Oh, my pleasure.
Quentin: Yes, and I think you'll find that you're little problem outside has been thoroughly taken care of.
Conker: Oh, cool.
Quentin: Now, good day to you, sir.
Conker: [Under his breath] Toffee-nosed snob.
Female Cog: Why thank you, Mr. Squirrel! [She kisses Conker]
[Conker groans]
Female Cog: Come on, ladies. It's the Caribbean for us!
[Cogs hop out with suitcases]
Lead Catfish: Ladies! Ladies! Meow. It's that squirrel person again. How are you? I see our brutish friend didn't get his vittles today.
Conker: Yeah, well, time enough for that. Uh, I need the combination thanks.
Lead Catfish: Oh, no, no, no, you don't seem to understand, yes, you don't understand us. We can't go about giving classified information like that just to anybody. Meow. We will open safe, won't we ladies? Hmm. Lead the way, hmm!
[Bulldog gets mad and starts barking at Conker]
Conker: Now then, ladies. There he is.
Lead Catfish: Oh...oh look at that. Poo poo to you! Yes. You brute! Ha ha ha. Yes, that told him!
[Bulldog gets REALLY mad and barks furiously. Catfish reel back]
Lead Catfish: Oh dear. He is bad tempered isn't he, meow? Now, where were we? Um, let me see. Um. Hmm. [She swims down and changes it from Wrong to Right] Yeah. There you go! Open, meow. [Safe opens] We'll wait here. Meow.
Conker: Hello. Um, hello? Money? Money?
Money: [He is asleep on the other side, but wakes up] Who the hell are you? You ain't my boss. I'm outta here! I'm swimming with the fishes! [He jumps into water]
Conker: [sighs] This gig gets worse and worse by the minute.
[In the boiler room, two imps are laughing. Imp #2 is smoking a cigar as Imp 1 is drinking a beer. Imp #1 throws away bottle]
Imp #1: Hey this is a neat joint!
Imp #2: Yeah, it's great!
Imp #1: Gimmie some of that!
Imp #2: **** off!
Imp #1: You bastard.
Imp #2: Gimmie another tab!
Imp #1: **** off! [He farts juices...Conker jumps down from above] Hey don't look now! Don't look now! Look at him. Furry guy. Looks kinda flammable!
Imp #2: Flammable! Ooh I like flammable! What do we do?
Imp #1: Hide! Yeah, hide! Quick, put the tabs out!
Imp #2: Yeah, *******, what am I gonna do with this?
Imp #1: Just...shove it up your ass.
Imp #2: Oh, ok...[He shoves cigar up his ass] There we go!
[Imps run off]
Imp #1: Let's do the big, big guy!
Imp #2: Yeah, the BIG, big guy!
[Imps jump in boiler. Hear footsteps as imps bang around inside the boiler]
Imp #1: Right, where's the keys? Ah. Press the start button.
[Hear keyboard and engine start up as boiler comes to life and breaks free]
Imp #2: Let me have a go!
Imp #1: No, it's my turn!
Imp #2: Ah it's always your turn.
Imp #1: Shut up.
Boiler: Gentlemen, gentlemen, do calm down. We have business at hand.
Imp #2: Hey, he sounds really poncy, like...like some English person. Is he up to this job, you reckon?
Imp #1: Hey, up for this job? Let me show you something. See that button there?
Imp #2: Yeah.
Imp #1: The one with the...
Imp #2: Yeah.
Imp #1: Press it.
[Big brass balls pop out from under the boiler]
Imp #2: Whoa. I see what you mean.
Boiler: Balls of brass, sir! Polished to the nth degree!
Conker: Oh no. A bourgeois, big-bullocked boiler. That's all I need.
[After defeating the boiler, Conker hits the boiler's balls for multiple times with the bricks and frying pan until they fly off and bounce around the room]
Boiler: Ouch...[He falls as Conker runs out of the way]
Imp #1: What the...
Imps: OH NO!!
Imp #2: We can't get out through the normal door!
Imp #1: Oh. Let's go through this door here. Where does that go?
Imp #2: Um, I don't think we want to go that way. It's the back passage!
Imp #1: AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH!
Imp #2: It can't be the only way out, what's this button do?
[Sirens go off as red lights flash]
Computer: Warning! Warning! Self-destruct in one second.
Imp #1: Oh you stupid f...
[Boiler blows up sending the imps flying]
[Conker comes out of safe with money in hand]
Lead Catfish: Oh, good ladies! Meow, he has the money! Now, give us back our money, honey, and you'll get your dollar.
Conker: What...a dollar?
Lead Catfish: Yes, yes, meow. 10 percent, as we agreed. Meow.
[Camera goes to Dogfish's rope, which is about to break]
Conker: 1...2...3...10. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I though you said it was a fortune!
Lead Catfish: It is a fortune.
[Leash breaks one out of three ropes]
Conker: I'll tell you what. Here's the new deal. I keep the lot. See ya!
Lead Catfish: Oh! The cheek! Just a minute here, you! What...uh...what do you think you're doing? That's our mo...wha...eh...meow.
[Second rope breaks. Mrs. Catfish turns around to see and lets out frightened expression]
Lead Catfish: Oh. Um. Ladies. Never mind the money for now. I think it's time we were off. Tally ho.
[Some catfish swim off]
[Conker walks into giant poo mound. Dung beetle flies into Conker, trying to get out]
Conker: Hey, pal, watch where you're going!
Dung Beetle: Eh. Alright there. Take my advice and get outta here. There's something really bad in there. You just don't wanna go in there.
Conker: Calm down. Now, just calm down and tell me what's the matter.
Dung Beetle: Right. Ok. It all started about 2 days ago...[Flashback goes to beetles having tea] I...it was me and the lads. We were havin a cuppa tea. The next thing we know Tezza is gone. [Giant hand grabs Tezza from behind and drags him under] We couldn't find him! We thought ah, maybe he's just gone off, ya know, do a bit of shopping or something. He never came back. Bazza was next. [Next flashback goes to Bazza walking around in the poo mound] He was just walking along minding his own business. So I stood there and I said "Hey, Bazza! How'ya doin there, like, mate?" And he waved over...[Bazza waves as giant hand comes up behind him and waves also] And that was it...this thing came out of the shite! [A giant hand grabs Bazza and pulls him under] And I thought to myself "Oh no. Oh oh I'm getting out of this!" [End of flashback] And when I came out, cause I thought it was all clear, the lads were gone. The bastards had nailed me in. I'm outta here. You can do what you like. There's some money up there if you can be arsed to get it. See yas.
[A beetle flies out behind Conker]
Conker: Sweet corn, heh. How ya doing, guys?
Deep Voice: Bring me some sweet corn!
Conker: Who's that? Can't see anyone...Hmmmm...Ok...if that's what he wants.
[rumbling sounds]
Conker: Uh oh.
[Great Mighty Poo comes up slowly, then eats the sweet corn, he starts singing in verses]
[First verse]
Great Mighty Poo: [clears throat] Mi mi mi mi miiiii …
I am the Great Mighty Poo,
And I'm gonna throw my shit at you.
A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate starfish.
How about some scat, you little twat?
[Second verse]
Great Mighty Poo: Do you really think you'll survive in here?
You don't seem to know which creek you're in.
Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear.
How d'you think I keep this lovely grin?
(Have some more caviar!)
[Third verse]
Great Mighty Poo: Now I'm really getting rather mad.
You're like a niggly, tickly, shitty little tag-nut.
When I've knocked you out with all my bab,
I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!
Conker: Your butt?
Great Mighty Poo: My butt!
Conker: Your butt?!
Great Mighty Poo: That's right, my butt!
Conker: Err...!
Great Mighty Poo: My butt!
Conker: Agh!
Great Mighty Poo: My BUUUUUUUUTT!!!!!!!!!
Great Mighty Poo: Ah! You cursed squirrel look what you've done. I'm flushing, I'm flushing! Oh, what a world, what a world. Who would have thought a good little squirrel like you could destroy my beautiful clagginess. Oooh I'm going! Ahh! Aaaahh! Nooo! Aaaaaahhhhh!
Conker: Now that's what a call a bowel movement.
[Berri is still exercising in her house when she hears a knock at the door]
Berri: He'd, like, better have a good excuse this time. That is the last time he stands me up. [She opens the door] Conker! I've had it just about up to...Huh?..Who are you?
[Rock guy stands there]
Berri: Look, whatever it is you're selling, I'm just not interested. Well?
[Rock guy sucker-punches Berri and drags her out of the house]
[Conker walks up to the Panther King’s guards. The Fat Weasel Guard is behind a rock taking a dump]
Slim Weasel Guard: You'll have to pay the toll.
Conker: You mercenaries. Here ya go! [Hands guard the money] A thousand dollars.
Slim Weasel Guard: Thank you.
Conker: Can I get through?
Slim Weasel Guard: Hey. I'm not finished yet. We're looking for a squirrel, and I think, by the description given to me, that you are a squirrel.
Conker: I am not a squirrel.
Slim Weasel Guard: Yes, you are. You fit the description perfectly.
Conker: Oh, really, and, uh, could you describe this description to me?
Slim Weasel Guard: Well, short...red fur...a big bushy tail...and a twitchy nose. You're a squirrel all right, and you're coming with me. [He grabs a hold of Conker's hand]
Conker: Look, I told you I'm not a squirrel and get your hands off me!
Slim Weasel Guard: Well, what are you then?
Conker: I'm an elephant! Squirrels aren't short and furry. They're big and gray!
Slim Weasel Guard: What?
Conker: Yeah! And as for twitchy noses...
Slim Weasel Guard: They don't have them?
Conker: Heh. No. They're long and snouty, and they also have flappy ears.
Slim Weasel Guard: Are you sure?
Conker: Psh. Course I'm sure! See ya! [He walks past Slim Weasel Guard as Fat Weasel Guard walks out from behind rock]
Fat Weasel Guard: Ah, there's nothing quite like a good ****. Now then, eh...[He sees Conker, looks at Slim Guard, looks back at Conker]
Slim Weasel Guard: It's alright, it's alright. That's not a squirrel. He's an elephant.
Fat Weasel Guard: An elephant...You stupid ****.
Conker: Oh yeah, let's see. [Whistles]
[Money jumps out of Slim Weasel Guard's pocket and comes back over to Conker]
[Conker enters and his eyes bulge out as the camera shows statue with lava balls flying around and dramatic music plays]
Conker: Hey, maestro! Don't you think that's a little bit too dramatic? Can you give me something with a bit more of a beat?
[Tribal Beats plays]
Conker: Yeah. That's better.
[Conker sits down on egg and gets comfortable. Screen goes black and script appears saying "Some time later...". Egg starts to crack after black screen]
Conker: Oh. Ooh. Ah, here it comes. Whatever it is...[He jump off and lands on ground]
[The camera views the egg broken. Then this big purple dinosaur head pops out]
Baby Purple Dinosaur: Hello. Ooh. Looky.
[Conker brushes himself off and watches as the dinosaur jumps out and lands on the monk. Dino walks over to Conker, makes gibberish]
Baby Purple Dinosaur: Mommy. Mommy.
Conker: Oh, hiya. Yep, that's right, I'm your mommy. Come on. Follow me.
[Baby Purple Dinosaur stands there looking cute, gibbers]
Conker: [snickers] This is gonna be interesting.
[Baby Purple Dinosaur looks up and sees slab just as it starts to fall. It lands as blood flies everywhere. Conker turns around to see the Dinosaur statue head rumble]
The God: I am pleased with your offering.
[The head opens and a big long tongue covered in mucus rolls out. Conker leaps out of the way before the tongue squishes on the ground. A monk then walks down to the tip of the tongue]
[After walking through the statue, Conker comes upon a dead caveman]
Conker: Oh...Ok...Let’s see now. [He hums, picks up the caveman’s hat and puts it on.] Yeh...Kinda suits me.
[Upon exiting the mouth of the statue, Conker will touch his hat]
Conker: Feels quite comfy this. Uh-oh...
[The cavemen now run over to Conker]
Conker: Oh! Not these guys again!
[The cavemen start bowing to Conker]
Conker: Oh...Yeh...Yeh, I know. Yeh, I know I’m great. I know...Okay, those rock monster guys up there, do you like them?
[A caveman shakes his head "No"]
Conker: Well, I don’t like them either. Fancy getting rid of them?
[All of the cavemen nod]
Conker: You sure?
[They all nod again]
Conker: Okay! Follow me!
[When Conker and the cavemen get to the nightclub]
Conker: Okay, guys! Let me have the first pop, and he’s all yours.
Bouncer: I said, no sneakers! Buzz off!
Conker: Eh, I think you’ll let us in somehow, what with my friends here.
[A caveman grunts and swings a club]
Conker: Alright, guys. Just steady on...I’ll sort this out. So, whaddya say?
Bouncer: You seem like my kind of guys. Ok. But I’ll need the password.
Conker: Password? Guys, do you know what the password is?
Caveman: [not even recognizable] Fedelio.
Conker: F*****?
Caveman: [shakes his head and repeats] Fedelio.
Conker: Fedelio?
Bouncer: Hmmm. How do you know that?
Conker: I know everything! I’m the king. Well, I will be. Didn’t you see the prologue?
Bouncer: What?
Conker: Oh, nothing. Can we come in?
Bouncer: Yeah.
Conker: Let’s have some fun.
[The cage will break free and Berri will run out as she escapes]
Conker: [shouted] Hey, Berri! Berri! Where’s she gone? Berri! Oh! She didn’t recognize me with this on my head! Ah well! [pause] Right! I think it’s time to leave this place! It’s getting a bit noisy!!
[At the door]
Conker: [He pulls out the cash, puts it back in his pocket, and nods] See you then!
Bouncer: Huh! Where do you think you’re going with that?
Conker: What?
Bouncer: The money.
Conker: Oh, I’m following her!
Bouncer: I don’t think so. I think you need to see the boss!
Conker: Okay!
[Scene changes to a table surrounded by weasels. Berri is sitting there as well. The bouncer brings Conker in]
Bouncer: Well, this is the fella.
Conker: Get off me!
Don Weaso: So! This is the wise guy that tried to steal my dough. Whaddya gotta say for yourself, boy?
Conker: Eh, what? [notices Berri] Oh hey, hey, Berri! How’re you doing? It’s me!
Don Weaso: [to Berri] Do you know this tea leaf?
Berri: Yeah! Like I’d associate with a caveman!
Don Weaso: [to Conker] The broad does not seen to know you.
Berri: Like, is it okay if I go now? I gotta go powder my nose.
Don Weaso: Get outta here. Right, let’s get back to business. I just got one thing to do though. I’ll be with you in a minute. People have gotta show appropriate levels of respect. When you step outta line, you can expect to be respected back. One of you guys has shown no respect. Who is it? I don’t know. Could have been...[Camera changes to a Frankie the Weasel] Frankie!
[Frankie shakes his head]
Don Weaso: Could’ve been...
[Camera changes to Chicho the weasel]
Don Weaso: Chicho!
[Chicho shakes his head no]
Don Weaso: Could’ve been...
[Camera changes to a Paulie the weasel. Don Weaso is standing behind him with a baseball bat]
Don Weaso: Paulie! [Paulie shakes his head pleadingly. Scene changes and you can hear Paulie being beaten to death] DON'T... YOU... EVER!... DO THAT!... AGAIN!... TO ME!
[Scene changes back to the dead Paulie on the table, then back to Conker]
Conker: [scared after seeing Paulie's death] Look, you know, you can have the money. In fact, I’ve got more money. You can have that too...if you want? Oh no, what am I doing?
Don Weaso: You can keep the money. But you gotta do me a little job first.
Conker: A job? Oh yeah, cool, but I mean, I’m gonna have to...I’ll have to consider it first. What is it? What do I have to do?
Don Weaso: Good, good. I’m glad you accepted... Step this way. [He takes Conker to a big bomb] OK, here’s the plan. We got ourselves a little problem. In fact, several little problems. You already got the disguise...so that’s that one covered. What else you need is one of these. Its called...a bomb.
[A picture of a caveman appears]
Don Weaso: These are the problem. Where they came from? I don’t know. The seem totally outta place in this ecosystem. But they’re here, and they’re on my parch. So, what I propose you do...is use your disguise acumen. Take the bomb...
[A picture of outside the club appears]
Don Weaso: Through here...
[A picture of Berri’s butt appears]
Don Weaso: Down...
[The picture changes to the statue head]
Don Weaso: ...Here...
[The picture changes to the mucus-filled hallway]
Don Weaso: Out of here...
[The picture changes to the hatched dinosaur egg]
Don Weaso: And drop it here. And by the way...when that bomb goes off...I suggest you leave town. And if you don’t pull it off...I suggest you leave town. Let’s go to work.
[When it drop the bomb]
Conker: And she’s away!
[The bomb explodes and the chamber starts to fill with lava]
Conker: Oh. Oh no...Oh no...Oh no!
Conker: Where could we be now, then? [He sees a caveman] Oh hi, I...
[Conker is knocked out mid-sentence by another caveman. When he comes to, the cavemen are on hover boards]
Caveman #1: Hey, squirrel. You’ve woken up. Ha ha!
Conker: Eh?
Caveman #1: Look what we’ve got! We nicked your money! Money! Money! Money!
Conker: I recognize that money. Oh no! What is the world coming to...when a squirrel can’t even go to a dinosaur-themed world without getting mugged by a bunch of prehistoric brats! Hey! Give me my money back!
Caveman #1: Prepare to moony moon him. About face!
[The cavemen moon Conker. As they turn back around, one of them farts and Simon the Caveman falls off his hover board]
Conker: [laughs] Aah! Now that gives me another idea...
Caveman #1: Ha ha! Simon, the stupid bastard, fell off!
Caveman #2: Yeah, the stupid bastard is burned up!
Caveman #1: Now, if the stupid squirrel wants his money back...he can use Simon’s board to race us!
Caveman #2: Yeah, let’s go race him.
Caveman #1: Let’s go!
[The cavemen flies off with some hover boards]
Conker: Right! Time to teach those gyro spazers a lesson!
[Once Conker rides to the end of the new tunnel, he loses control, the board blows up, and you are in the middle of an Bugga Colosseum, he looks around to see and cheering cavemen]
Conker: Ah, yeh! This is more like it. An appreciative audience at last. Somebody’s pleased to see me. Yeh, I know, I’m great, yeh, oh! I knew it was too good to be true.
Buga the Knut: Open de snapshot, split'im in. Ooh, bleedy-bleed-bleed. Onig, big boner. (All the way up it. Yeowch! Ooh, bleed, bleed, bleed. Nice and big one!) Who is aye? (Who is that?)
[The camera zooms in on Conker humming, then goes back to Buga and Jugga.]
Buga the Knut: A sui-fur-geez. (A squirrel.) WOMAN!!! Soure de Fangy! Satiide Mantinay. (Send in Fangy. Saturday matinee.)
[The camera shows all of the stands then goes to Conker]
Conker: Hmm. Not quite sure what’s going on here. There seems to be a door over there. So I think I’ll just mosey on over and say my farewells..
Conker: Oh, hi, um, you’re going this way too, I take it. I’ll just wait here and follow you guys.
[But suddenly roars when the camera shows the door opens; stomping and growling can be heard. And the ground starts shaking]
Conker: [gulps] Oh! This doesn’t sound good.
[The camera shows the open door, then shows Buga, then shows the perspective of what’s coming out of the door. There is roaring and Fangy the Dinosaur appears and roars loudly, causing the Uga Buga to fart his pants]
Buga the Knut: Caca panty. (Brown loincloth time!)
[Fangy pounces on the Uga Buga and violently eats it]
Conker: [pulls out his pocket watch] Oh. Is it that time? I gotta scoot.
[When it get to the B-pad, Conker pulls out his pocket watch and swings it back and forth while humming "rock a bye baby" to calm Fangy. Conker then climbs on Fangy’s back. After you eat the first caveman...]
Buga the Knut: Ooh! Nasty! Nasty!
[After you kill the first batch of cavemen]
Buga the Knut: What a pair! Uh, ah well. We need some more entertainment. Send in the infantry.
Conker: Oh, don’t like the look of this. I think they’re sending in the big boys.
[Cavemen armed with clubs jump off the plank. All of them land in a line except the last one, who lands on his face in front of it]
Caveman #1: Bruce! Get back in line. Stupid prat.
Bruce the Caveman: Who moved the line? [He gets back in line]
Caveman #1: Taunt the squirrel...
[The infantry do a taunting dance, then charge]
Conker: Okay, big fella. I think it’s time for the hors d’oevres.
[Fangy nods in agreement]
Buga the Knut: More da goots and blukka! (More blood and guts!)
[When it clear this group, cavemen with javelins appear]
Conker: Uh oh! Ranged combat. Now this could be a bit tricky.
Buga the Knut: Uh, oh, yikes! Dis not supposed to happen! (Oh, dear. That was not supposed to happen)
Jugga: Oh, he's so cute, through.
Buga the Knut: Eh?!
Jugga: He gotta bigga boner than you. (He's got a larger bone than you.)
Buga the Knut: No one's got a bigga boner than I! (No one has a bone as big as mine.)
Jugga: If you so bigga, you show him, big boy. (If you're so big, why don't you show him, big boy?)
Buga the Knut: Uh, I will. [stands up and grabs his bone club] Bigga da boner splat face da squidgy la furry cankee, si! (I'm gonna take my big bone and smash that furry squirrel!) [He leaps down to the arena]
Conker: Oh, my giddy aunt! This is not good!
Buga the Knut: No mistake de big boner. Gia fooka tiide! (Nobody remarks about my bone. You're going to get it, squirrel!)
Conker: [to Fangy] I know you're not a vegetarian, but I think we should go for the meat and two veg. It looks it needs a bit of tenderizing though, if you know what I mean?
[Fangy nods in agreement]
[after Buga the Knut is defeated, his loincloth falls off, revealing his secret, causing Jugga to laugh]
Conker: [laughs] Big boner?! My ass!
Buga the Knut: Ah, my secreta! Teeny weensy private parte! (My secret: my very small willy!) [He hollering as he runs right through the walls of the arena]
Conker: Well, so ends another incident in my day. Now...
[The camera shows the Jugga and Conker purrs]
Conker: I think we should go up there and pay those babes a visit. I’m pretty determined to get something out of this. Maybe there’s some cash up there, too. Ah well, live in hope. [He turns to Fangy] Right you! I think this is where we say goodbye. Oh no, don’t start that. I know we had a good time together, but the fun’s over now. Go on. Off with you. Right, babe time...
[The camera changes to a view following Conker]
Conker: Hey... what are you doing? Stop following me. Go back, go on... [takes a bone from a dead caveman] Er... ah well, fetch.
[Conker throws the bone into the door Fangy came out of and Fangy chases after it. The door closes after Fangy goes through]
Conker: Ha... good. Psychology, always works with these animals. Now then, let’s see. It's babe time.
Conker: Babe? Where are those big babes? Huh? [He is at the feet of Jugga] Paradise!
[Conker passes out and when he wakes up, Jugga is holding him]
Jugga: Wake up! Bedtime’s over. Ahh, you’re so cute.
Conker: Hello, hello, I love you.
Jugga: No, I can’t love you anymore. Conker and Jugga won’t work.
Conker: What? No, no, we can work it out.
Jugga: Conker, you will break my heart.
Conker: No, I’ll be good. I’ll be really good. I’ll be a new squirrel. The drink’s out. Whatever you heard about me, it’s not true. It’s totally exaggerated.
Jugga: I’ll put you here. Jugga doesn’t like goodbyes. But bye-bye. You go, leave now.
Conker: Bye-bye, then.
Jugga: I’ll always love you.
Conker: Bye-bye. Ah, well. [He turns his head and sees money. The music comes to a screeching halt and the money hops off] Every cloud has a silver lining.
Conker: Phew, who are those guys? Oh. Hello there. Ummm...and what do you do then?
Mr. Barrel: Hmmm...It'll cost you.
Conker: Oh, how much?
Mr. Barrel: A lot. Come back when you've got more money. Go on...ride your bike.
Queen Bee: Oh! Oh! It’s you, Mr. Squirrel. I’m so happy to see you again.
Conker: Oh, Really? I’m happy to see you. Hey! Where’s the hive gone?
Queen Bee: That’s just the point. They’ve stolen it again. And I don’t know what to do. My husband hasn’t returned yet. He’s a fiend. If he were here, he’d sort them out. It’s just gonna have to be somebody else.
Conker: Oh, really! And who would that be this time, I wonder?
Queen Bee: Well! You did help last time, and I don’t know who to turn to.
Conker: Ok! Ok! But what’s in it for me?
Queen Bee: Oh...Money!
Conker: Yeah, but it’ll have to be double last time.
Queen Bee: Double...Ok!
Conker: ...Treble.
Queen Bee: ...Ok! Get my hive back.
Conker: Ok, I’ll get it back. Where is it?
Queen Bee: Just follow the signs again. You’ll have to go a bit further. It’s a deep insurgency mission this time. It won’t be as easy, I can tell you.
Conker: Really. Deep insurgency. Quadruple!
Queen Bee: What!
Conker: Oh, ok, fair enough. This looks quite nice over here. I’ll just go...
Queen Bee: Ok! Come back. Quadruple. That will be two hundred dollars?
Conker: Hang on a sec. My math isn’t that good, but I seem to think it was four hundred dollars.
Queen Bee: Ok...Go on then!
[When you get to the bee hive and hop in, it will be surrounded by wasps. When you defeat them all, Queen Bee will appear]
Queen Bee: Mr. Squirrel, hurry, hurry. I think there’s a bit of a lull in the waves. Hop out and carry the hive, now, quickly! No time to lose.
Wayne the Wasp: Hey! Some wise guy’s trying to steal our nice new hive again. It’s the same little bastard. C’mon boys.
Slim Wasp: What, again? Let’s get him, boss!
Fat Wasp: Yeah, let’s get him! Again.
[When you return the hive, it turns into a gun turret with missile launchers. Queen Bee will hop inside and aim at the slim wasp, gulps]
Conker: Chew on this, buzz-suckers!
[Queen Bee will fire the turrets and missiles. They will kill the fat and slim wasps, while Wayne over the river]
Wayne the Wasp: You’ll never get me!
[A missile then hits Wayne, blowing him to pieces. Queen Bee will hop out of the hive]
Queen Bee: Thank you Mr. Squirrel. Once again I’d like to thank you for your good service and noble contribution to the bee community. I somewhat begrudgingly present you with these.
[Four wads of money appears]
Wads of money: Hey! Somebody call for us?
[Conker’s eyes turn into dollar signs and spin]
Wads of money: Who wants some of us doughs?
[Conker pockets them all]
Conker: Yeah! More sponduli.
Queen Bee: I hope that’s the last thing that happens to us. What could possibly go wrong now? Here’s to a wonderful year.
Conker: There you go, now what?
Mr. Barrel: Want to go for a ride?
Conker: Ummm...Not really.
Mr. Barrel: Not really what?
Conker: A ride.
Mr. Barrel: A ride, yeh! Let’s go for a ride.
[When you ride Mr. Barrel to the end of the path, Conker will jump off and Mr. Barrel will go rolling the other way. He rolls right into the wooden blockade in the river and explodes, blowing the blockade away. Conker will pass out]
[At night, when Conker wakes up]
Conker: Must have been out for some time. It’s night.
[When you go the the other side of where the blockade was, Conker wears a Van Helsing outfit. He will also be walking in a river of blood. Some Boulders will block the way you came in]
Conker: Oh no! Guess I’m not going back that way.
Gregg the Grim Reaper: I don’t bloody believe it! They’ve got fish versions of the little bastards now. Come here! I’ll show them. Aaah! Missed the little ***** again. I’ve got your number, mate. It’s down to two for you. Aah, there’s a oner. Not long for you now, you little prick!
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Oh! You again! Why don’t you piss off? Can’t you see I’m busy? I suppose you want to go up there now, do you? Where there’s lots of money, no doubt. One of those rich ancestors of yours. Bloody undead! Unbloody dead! I mean it’s even worse than bloody cats! Undead! What’s the bloody point? Um. You may be needing a bit of help. So I’ve got this. I hate the undead. Hate them! It’s the only thing that kills them. Shot through the head. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s better than that pissing baseball bat, that’s for sure! Take it! That’s it! Piss off!
Conker: A shotgun. Yeah! Don’t like the sound of zombies, though. Still, if it gets on his nerves, then that’s all right by me. And what was that about an ancestor? Undead ancestor. Hmm...well, if he’s undead then technically that makes him kinda dead. Which means I should get the inheritance. I mean, how bad can a handful of dead people be? They’re dead! Well, undead. Hmmm. Now let’s see, shotgun. I think it's one of those B pressing moments, don’t you?
Conker: [He pull out the shotgun while he hums] Let’s go!
Gregg: Ah! Not bad I suppose. That’s another twelve souls. Right, come on! In you go! And I think you’ll find that you’re the one who’ll be needing a will. Inheritance, pah!
[At a mansion, Conker will open the doors and there will be Count Batula on the stairs]
Count Batula: Velcome to my house. Please, enter of your own free will. And bring with you some of the happiness that is so evident in your face, and so lacking in my own.
Conker: Huh! He’s not kidding there! Okay, I’ll just cross this threshold here. [hums] I’m sure that’s of some significance, I can’t think what it is. Anyway, nice hairdo.
Count Batula: Vat?
Conker: Nothing.
Count Batula: So, ve seldom have visitors in these parts, vat being out here, in ze middle of nowhere, on such a cold and gloomy night. Pray, follow me. You look as if... you are in need of sustenance, and I have many things to eat... and drink! Pray, follow.
Conker: Oh, okay. Food, yeah... getting a bit sick of chocolate, anyway.
Count Batula: As you can see, the house is in somevat a state of repair. Ve are having a few refurbishments doing at ze moment and......I vas going to have all this knocked through to make one big eh...but anyvay, I think ve’ll just stick to ze conservatory, for the present. Ah, my dining room.
[The scene changes to Conker eating a turkey leg and drinking wine]
Count Batula: More vine?
Conker: I don’t mind if I do, thank you. Eh, you’re not drinking then?
Count Batula: No. I never drink...vine.
Conker: So, em, who’s this guy here? He looks, eh...he looks like you!
Count Batula: Mmmm... my forefather. He vas a crusader in a war of long ago. When ve were allies... vit ze squirrels and ze panthers. Zat union, alas! Vas not successful.
Conker: Yeah, and he had really stupid teeth as well! Didn’t they have any dentists back then?
Count Batula: ENOUGH!! Who are you to criticize me or my ancestors, who’s blood runs in these veins. You are not of noble birth, and never vill be. Pray, accept my apologies. Vhenever I talk about my ancestors, I get somewhat, touchy.
Conker: Aw, that’s all right. I know how it is, families! So, eh, ya been here long?
Count Batula: Hmmm, about 300 years!
Conker: Quite a big family, then?
Count Batula: No, it’s just me.
[Suddenly starts howling]
Conker: What’s that noise?
Count Batula: Ah, the children of the night. Vat sweet music they make.
Conker: Music? They’re howling.
[Thud on the door]
Count Batula: Vat is that noise?
Conker: Sounds like someone’s braying at the door! They don’t like you either, I take it.
Count Batula: Ah, ****. Ze villagers again. Sounds like there is more of them zis time. Zis could be your lucky night, Conker. I vas going to kill you and drink your blood. But now I think I vill be needing your help. Pray, come here.
Conker: Eh, can we just go back a bit there? The drinking-my-blood bit. What’s all that abou...
Count Batula: I said, COME HERE!!!
[The door finally breaks open and villagers pour in]
[The scene changes to a large bat hanging from a rope. You guessed it, Count Batula. (Who turned into a bat)]
Count Batula: Ah, delicious. And familiar. I think you are my great, great, great, great, great grandson, Conker. Velcome to the family. Velcome indeed. I have a little task for you. These little villagers...occasionally pop into my establishment, to have a little fun...and see if they can kill me! It’s never vorked yet! As you can see, I’ve had a few...minor alterations to the house. Ve have the grinder! And ve have ze pumps. And ve have some other bits and pieces. It is your duty, your errand, indeed, the whole point of your existence, as of this day, to fetch me the villagers, put them in the grinder, and let me feed. You may feed too, if you vish, but only later! Vell?
[Conker starts squeaking like a bat]
Count Batula: Ancestor: Ah yes, I forgot. You can only speak, like vat you are...[Scene changes to Conker the Bat]...a bat! Right, chop-chop! Fetch me the villagers. I am hungry.
[Once it drop a villager in the grinder, the pumps will start working and your ancestor will drink some]
Count Batula: Delicious!
[Drop in 2 more villagers and your ancestor feeds again]
Count Batula: Vonderful! Bring me more!
[A strand of the rope holding the ancestor will break. Drop in 2 more villagers]
Count Batula: Oh yeh! Delicious!
[Another strand holding the ancestor will break. When you drop the final 2 villagers]
Count Batula: Oh! I think I have drunk too much! [The rope will completely break, last words] OH SSHHIIITT!! [fall into the grinder]
Conker: [He will turn back into a squirrel and coughs] That doesn’t happen to you every day.
[Zombies will appear in the mansion]
Conker: More zombies! Time for the double-barrel boy......hopefully for the last time.
[When it putting the final key in the door]
Conker: Right! [The door opens] Finally! [An undead worm shows up] Oh yeah, I forgot about those guys. Hmmmm, mmm, yeah.
[A war ad pops up]
SHC Sergeant: That’s right. It’s war once again. Your country needs you now, boys. We are fighting an enemy like we have never encountered before.
[Tediz walk across the screen]
SHC Sergeant: The are evil beyond reproach. Where they have come from I do not know. We need to send them back to wherever it was they came from. We need you, soldier! Yes......you! Sign up at the nearest signing-up station. Should be one near you. But remember, soldier, your country will be indebted to you.
[a plane will get shot down]
SHC Sergeant: Dang, boy! We sure is lucky bastards to survive that atrocious atrocity! Come over here now, sonny! Attention! [Conker salutes] That’s better, form a nice line... oh! There’s only one of you, right, son... we have a problem. At 08:30 boat must arrive... at said destination. Then! At 08:25, wait? Oh... eh? 08... oh ****! Tell you what... **** that ****. You certainly look like a resourceful guy. I don’t much care for... the attire. But let’s just see if you can redeem yourself. Here is the mission... you can accept it as you wish. One... clear the way. We have gotta get our men outta here pronto! We is got a war to fight! Two... clear the way! Oh eh! **** that ****. What are you waiting for, sonny? Get that dang thing outta there. Right! See you in the boat. [marches off singing] I don’t know what I’ve been told... do do do do do do do... I don’t know what I’ve been told... do do do... I don’t know... what eh? Ah, **** that ****!
[When it knock on the bathroom door]
Conker: Woah, you’ve got a problem.
TNT Imp: Hi there little fella, are you the janitor? I don’t suppose you have any toilet paper?
Conker: No, I’m not the janitor, and can we please have this conversation somewhere else? I think I’m starting to gag.
TNT Imp: Yeh, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ll come out now. [He comes out of the bathroom] I seem to have this thing attached to my back. I can’t see what it is.
Conker: Oh, you needn’t worry about that. C’mon, let’s go!
TNT Imp: I’m a little tired. Could you just give me a hand? Just get around back there, and just give me a hand?
Conker: Well, okay.
TNT Imp: I’ll just stay here. You go on.
[If it didn’t move the block out of the way, he will fall in the lake and explode. If that happens, just knock on the door again]
Conker: Oh, hey, another one, hi.
TNT Imp: What do you mean? I don’t suppose you could...
Conker: Yeah, I know, toilet paper. C’mon, out!
TNT Imp: I’ll just stay here.
Conker: Ok, I’ve done what you asked.
SHC Sergeant: Well done, soldier! What the hell’s that? [Conker looks and he punches him out in passes out]
[When Conker comes to, he’s in a boat full of soldiers]
Conker: Somebody hit me on the head! Where am I? [He wears a Capt. John Miller's outfit] What’s this doing on my head. Hi guys. Would somebody mind telling me what’s going on here?
[One of the soldiers throws up]
Conker: Oh, suit yourself.
Soldier Boat driver: Ok! 30 seconds! Nice knowing you guys!
[After many of the SHC soldiers being killed, Conker will freak out]
Conker: GET ME THE HECK OUTTA HERE!!
[Once it get through to the Tediz base]
SHC Soldier #1: Hey! Where’s the rest of them?
Conker: This is it, I think. Yeh I’m the only one!
SHC Soldier #1: Not enough! Not enough!
Conker: What’s going on here?
SHC Soldier #1: Tediz everywhere. This is the last assault. It’s not looking good.
Conker: Tediz...I hate these guys!
SHC Soldier #1: Get your head down!
[Bullets scatter the ground]
Conker: This is crazy!
SHC Soldier #1: Yeh, we’ve been locked down here for the last ten hours. Murder holes up there. Machine gun nests, you gotta clear them out, boy!
[Bullets hit the ground again]
Conker: What was that you were saying? [The soldier is shown dead] Ugh! Yeh, I gotta do it. But I’m not equipped. [A light bulb appears over his head and you hear the ever familiar “ting” noise] Yep. I think you should press B now.
Conker: [He will pull out a cigar and a machine gun] Ok, soldier. Move it out.
[Tediz will appear from every direction. Continuing through the game, you will get to a point where you reach an elevator and you see something chasing you. When Conker finally gets in the elevator, the doors shut just in time and he starts moving]
Conker: Surely it can’t get any worse than that.
[Elevator music starts playing]
Conker: What’s this? This is a bit different. What are those guys? Oh, more Tediz...
Tediz Surgeon #1: Really, that’s incredible.
Tediz Surgeon #2: What if you were to give this game. To say, twenty...intelligent people. I mean, what would that do? Let’s face it. What would it do?
Tediz Surgeon #1: Really, that’s interesting.
[Conker cock his gun]
Tediz Surgeon #2: What the ****? It’s that bloody squirrel! Quick, into character!
[The tediz throw away their smokes and pull out scalpels. After the battle with the many surgeons, a massive tediz surgeon will break out of a tank. After the battle with him, you will see a squirrel in an electric chair]
SHC Soldier #2: Am I glad to see you... could you get me outta here? I think it’s that switch over there... but, be careful... I think the other one is, you know... frying tonight!
Conker: Yeh, um, just stay there...the cavalry has arrived! Ha! Sorry, you can’t move. Let’s see now.
SHC Soldier #2: Do you know which switch it is?
Conker: Yeh, um, it’s written on it. Eenie, Meenie, Miney...okay!
[Pull either switch, and the soldier will still get fried. Conker will turn around, the camera will go back to the soldier. Conker will just stare at the soldier. Next, Conker will pull out his Fur Only magazine while whistling to avoid watching the soldier getting fried. The chair will finally stop shocking the soldier]
Conker: Oh, hang a sec. I think it’s this one actually. Eh, okay.
SHC Soldier #2: [He will prop his head up] Well, what do you know, I’m not quite dead. Thanks for that. Feel a bit strange, though. How do I look?
Conker: You look great. Mmm... I’ve got to go. See ya!
[Conker sneaks into the Tediz's Facility to find Private Rodent and two other SHC soldiers tied to three stakes at gunpoint]
Tediz: Soonech... Any ras questa? (So then, any last requests?)
Soldier: Could you untie me and just let me go?
Tediz: Nah! (No!) Sourde ente arms! Sourde aim! (Present arms! Take aim!) Ectorit, ectorit... (Wait for it, wait for it..) Choosa targ! (Choose a target!) Soure...Fire! (And...Fire!)
[the Tediz shoot at the soldiers, except Rodent, who ducks into his bulletproof armor]
Conker: Hey! Hey fella! C’mon! This is not the place you want to be hanging around.
Rodent: What do you mean? Oh! Oh! Hey! You killed them. That’s great. Thanks for that. Conker!
Conker: What? Oh! Hey! Hey, it’s Rodent, isn’t it? How ya doing?
Rodent: Umm... not too good at the moment. They wanted to kill me.
Conker: Ah well, they’re dead now. Say, I noticed that your outfit is a little bit different to usual army regulation attire. What is it?
Rodent: Oh yeah, it’s experiment number G7224. I’m the first to be fitted with this. It’s an indestructible, erm, titanium laminate.
Conker: Right, so what does that mean?
Rodent: Oh! It means that if somebody shoots me, I don’t die.
Conker: Really, that’s a pretty good idea. I’ll get me some of them.
Rodent: It’s the only one. Very expensive. Stick behind me, and you should be alright. I can be your operation squirrel shield. What do ya say?
Conker: Sounds good to me. Right, which way?
Rodent: Eenie, meenie, minie, moe!
Conker: Right, let’s go!
[Walk that way and an alarm will sound]
Conker: What’s that up there? Looks like bombers. (humming) Bringing out the heavy stuff. You go first.
Rodent: Ok... ok! I’ll go first.
Conker: Go on then!
[Once you get through the bombs and the mines, you will be at a door]
Rodent: I’ll go and wait by the door. You shoot off the locks, and I’ll meet you there. We’ll rendezvous whenever you’ve got done.
Conker: Ok, I’ll see you in a bit.
[Once you are inside the door, Conker will see a tank]
Conker: Hmm. Least there’s no tediz in here. Oh, a tank. Now that may come in handy.
Rodent: Oh, a tank. It’s a class twenty-two as well. I haven’t got one of them yet.
Conker: What do you mean “got one”? Hey! Where you going?
Rodent: Ooooooo! Class twenty-two. Ssswwweeettt! I’m gonna look inside!
Conker: Ok! Do what you like!
Rodent: Ooo! Aaa! Ooo! Look at those. This is great. I’ve always wanted to be an a class twenty-two. And here I am.
[Once you flip the next switch, acid will start rising in the room]
Conker: Well, hopefully that’s opened the door on the outside. But whatever it’s done, I think its one of those let’s-leg-it moments.
[When you go down the hole at the end of the path, you will land on a platform]
Conker: Oh, well. In for a penny, in for a pound, I suppose.
[When you go across to the bigger platform, a submarine will appear. Keep moving until you see a Poppet the little girl]
Poppet: Mommy! I want my mommy, mommy, boohoo. Hello, it’s a little squirrel. Hello. Help me, please.
Conker: Uh, it’s a little girl. It’s dangerous around here, little girl. I don’t think you wanna be here.
Poppet: Have you come to rescue me?
[A pinging noise is heard]
Conker: What is that?
Poppet: That’s the inverse phase sonar. Very efficient with em, ooh!
Conker: How’d you know about that?
Poppet: Eh, school?
Conker: I never learned things like that in school. Anyway, what is it?
Poppet: It fires a missile, I think, a Teddifunkin U47...intercontilental...ballistic missile.
Conker: A missile?
Poppet: Yes, like that one!
[A missile is shown and Conker dodges it]
Conker: Don’t you worry, little girl. I’ll rescue you.
Poppet: Oh, goody, goody.
Conker: Her parents are bound to have some cash!
Conker: Yeah, that was a blast. Right, now to sort out of ransom, eh, rescue the little girl.
Poppet: I’m so...so happy. I’m going to see my mommy and daddy again.
Conker: Yep, ok, come on. Let’s try and get you out of here.
[The tank will fall onto the platform]
Conker: What the... uh, it’s you guys.
[Rodent will appear from the top of the tank and the Poppet’s eyes will turn green]
Rodent: [Slow motion, shouted] Conker...Nooo!!!
[Conker will back away from the Poppet, and her head will twist all the way around]
Poppet: [in scary voice] Do you know what your ******* daughter did?
Conker: What? I don’t have a daughter.
[The floor underneath Poppet will open up and you will see that she is really on the arm of a Giant Tediz]
Poppet: Yes! I haven’t been a little girl for some time now. [laughs evilly, then her voice returns to normal] Yes, Mr. Squirrel, I’m the brains and the eyes, and he’s the brawn.
Conker: [He will run over to the tank] Quick! Get out the way! I’m taking over.
Poppet: Now, then, lesson one. Ballistics. This is my mini-gun. It fires 8000 rounds per second brass cased 8mm with Tungsten alloy heads and high explosive charge. Very, very messy!
Poppet: [scary voice] You little...****-sucker!.. [normal voice] No, must keep my cool.
Poppet: Now, this is very special! High energy, inverted... Magneto laser, with a six-pronged attack.
Poppet: [scary voice] You little...****! [normal voice] No, no, keep calm, keep calm.
Poppet: Ah! Missiles! I think you’re already familiar with these. Mark twos this time, however! Fur-guided. With multiple warheads. Don’t fancy your chances very much, Mr. Squirrel!
Poppet: [scary voice] You ****! [normal voice] No, no, keep calm, keep calm.
Poppet: Get up! Get up! I command you to get up. This is the end! My little babies, yes. My little babies.
[Two spider-robots will climb out of the tedi and blow the tank away. Conker gets up]
Conker: Oh, oh the... the tank’s gone. Well, it served us well. Rodent. Rodent!
[Rodent is on the ground and he’s not moving, passed out]
Conker: Oh no! He didn’t make it. He was a great guy, a superb soldier, a military tactician, and yet, he was mortal, like the rest of us. But at least we showed that bitch who’s boss!
Poppet: Mr. Squirrel! Guess what? The shows not over, till the little girl sings. Oooh! What’s this? A little red button! I think I’ll press it! [She presses it and a countdown timer appears] Ooh, what’s that? A lovely countdown. I wonder what’s going... to happen now? [laughs evilly]
Conker: Self-destruct! Aah! Give me strength!
Conker: Wait! Wait for me! Wait for me! Where are you going?
SHC Sergeant: What? Hey, guys, hold it there! There’s another one! Oh, my giddy aunt! Snipers!
[SHC Soldier with a rifle will snipe two advancing tediz]
Conker: Get outta here now! Come on! Let’s go! Let’s go!
SHC Sergeant: We gotta get our asses outta here pronto! Let’s move it!
[The boat will then set off to the sea]
Conker: I made it. I made it.
[When Conker wakes back up]
SHC Sergeant: Oh, you’re awake. Come over here, boy. Come and look at this.
Conker: Yeah. War is a terrible thing, you know.
SHC Sergeant: You’re right there. All these fine young men...sent off to do the dying. While those bigwigs...those pen pushers...those guys who never ever...see a single bullet whizz past their heads...we wanna get them down here. Those so-called generals...in their big fancy houses...twenty miles behind enemy lines. Who are they to tell us? Who are they indeed? Look at that! What a sight.
Conker: Yes it is. Yes it is.
SHC Sergeant: The horror. The horror!
[Back inside the tediz base, Rodent will wake up]
Rodent: Ughh! I seem to have been knocked out for a second. Ahh! Yeah. Now I remember. Countdown. Ohhh shhhh...
[The base will blow up and you can hear distant shouting]
Conker: I recognize that voice.
[Rodent will fly overhead]
Conker: It’s Rodent! He made it, guys! Yeah! Wahay!
SHC Soldier #4: Way to go!
SHC Soldier #5: Our hero!
SHC Soldier #6: Yeah, he made it! [He coughs and his head collapses on the deck]
[After the war is over, Conker makes it back to the main world to find the windmill destroyed when Rodent (who is still alive) was blasted by the self-destruct]
Conker: Oh no! Where did the windmill go? I was sure that was the final level. Ah well, obviously not. [Rodent appears] Rodent! Rodent! Hey, it’s good to see ya, man. What happened?
Rodent: A bit sore but, you know what? I reckon that suit really works. I was flying through the air...next this is, bam! Saw this thing coming towards me. Kinda like the windmill. Doesn’t seem to be there anymore. Ah well, never mind. At least I’m still here. So, what’s happening?
Conker: Not really sure, but the war seems to be over. You may as well go on your way. Give my regards to the guys.
Rodent: Yeh, I will! Catch ya later?
Conker: Catch ya later. You can buy me a pint.
Rodent: Ok! Conker, can I just say something?
Conker: Yeah, that depends what it is.
Rodent: It was a real privilege working with you. I would have to say, if ever I need to go through an operation such as that again, I hope that it’s with you.
Conker: That’s very nice of you to say.
Rodent: Thank you, sir! [He salutes]
Conker: Yeah, thank you, soldier. [He salutes back] Dismissed!
Rodent: [He starts walking off] What a great guy.
Conker: Idiot.
Don Weaso: Whoa! I thought I told you to leave town. But seein’ as you’re here, anyways, we have a little job for you!
Conker: Oh, not another one. Can’t I just go home, please?
Don Weaso: I said, we may have a little job. Take it, or leave it.
Conker: Okay, I’ll take it.
Berri: [She will walk in on the conversation, she wears Trinity-like outfit] These pants are so uncomfortable! Oh, fancy meeting you here.
Conker: Berri! You look great.
Berri: Really!
Don Weaso: I thought you said you didn’t know this guy?
Berri: Oh yeah, I know him. He’s like my boyfriend!
Conker: Yeah, that’s right. I’m her boyfriend.
Don Weaso: Am I interrupting something here? When you two little lovebirds are finished with your reunion tete-a-tete ****, maybe we can get on with the job at hand, please.
Conker: Okay, okay, whaddya want us to do?
Don Weaso: Okay, since your little escapades with those cavemen kinda put me outta business, now I need to replenish my funds. Here we have it, the Feral Reserve Bank!
Conker: Okay, but I’ll do it on one condition only.
Don Weaso: What?
Conker: That I get an outfit that’s as cool as hers!
Don Weaso: Deal!
[You then see Conker in a Neo-like outfit]
[Enter the door and start a MAJOR Matrix knockoff. When Conker steps through the metal detector, he will be stopped by a guard]
Security Guard: Please place any metallic objects in the tray...
[Fight your way through the Guards to the elevator to get to the next area]
[In the upper level, there will be more lasers]
Conker: What? Give me a break.
Berri: Don’t worry. It’s in hand, okay? [She deactivates the lasers]
Conker: Thanks, Berri. You’re one in a million. Speaking of which...
[When it enter the vault]
Berri: Well, there you go materialist!
Conker: Like you can talk. Anyway, whoa. Where do I start? Come here, my little beauties.
[After all of dollars are collected]
Conker: [panting] Phew! Finally. Got it!
[The text $1,000,000 will pop up on the screen]
Conker: Aw, cool! Millionaire! [laughs] I’m a millionaire, Berri! Berri, what are you looking at?
Berri: Conker, honey!
[Camera changes to show the Panther King]
Conker: Aw, easy come, easy go. Who’s this guy? Berri, do you know who he is?
Berri: You got me!
Panther King: Hmmm, yes, at last...a red squirrel......good!
Conker: A red squirrel! Oh, I think he means me. I don’t recognize this guy! Unless, he’s the fabled Panther King! But he lives just in stories, like my mum used to tell me to get me to sleep! Looks like he was real after all. The fairy Panther King!
Panther King: Who are you calling a fairy?
Conker: No, as in, like, fairy, as in ephemeral...like a fable, like a legend, you know, that doesn’t exi...doesn’t matter.
Panther King: Oh, no, doesn’t matter, not anymore, not for you. Weasel!
Don Weaso: Right here, boss.
Panther King: Your bounty. [a wad of cash hops towards Weaso]
Don Weaso: Thanks very much. What are we gonna do with him?
Panther King: You leave him to me.
Don Weaso: So, you’re not gonna kill him?
Panther King: Not exactly!
Berri: [Her last words before death] Step aside, Conker. I know how to deal with men like this!
Panther King: Such loyalty...misplaced! Get rid of her!
Don Weaso: The easiest thing in the world! [pulls out a machine gun] Sorry, dollface. Business is business! Adios! [He then proceeds to shoot Berri until she falls]
Conker: What the...? Hey, mind where you’re sssh...Berri?
[Berri then breathes her last]
Conker: Hey Berri? Oh no!
Don Weaso: No problem, boss! [the Panther King begins to choke] Boss? You feelin’ alright?
Panther King: Bit of...indigestion. Where’s my milk? Professor! Professor!
Professor Von Kriplespac: [He appears from behind the throne] Ah, my liege, how do you feel?
Panther King: Not good! The sooner we get this squirrel in place, the sooner I’ll get my milk. It’s getting worse.
Professor Von Kriplespac: Ah yes, that’s right, my liege. It vould be getting vorse. Oh, really, you don’t look so good! Let me see, ze milk, yes, ze squirrel, yes. Ze problem is solved, methinks. Right, squirrel, I think you’re coming vit me.
Conker: What’s going on here?
Panther King: What’s going on?
Professor Von Kriplespac: Ah yes, here it comes.
Don Weaso: Not sure what’s going on here, but I think it’s time to make an exit!
Panther King: [He starts gasping get worse, his last words before death] Can’t breathe.
Professor Von Kriplespac: Since this squirrel got rid of my tediz, bastard, I zink ze latest addition to my plans is about to take shape. The incubation period is just about complete! Not a moment too soon! Yes, my liege, let us kill two birds vit one stone!
[Finally, a giant Xenomorph named Heinrich bursts out of the Panther King's chest, killing the host; Conker and Weaso are shocked and frightened by Heinrich]
Don Weaso: What the...?
Conker: Oh no!
Professor Von Kriplespac: Oh yes!
[Don Weaso runs from the room]
Professor Von Kriplespac: Ah! Come here! Ah! Such a beautiful animal! Even though he is about to... annihilate you, squirrel! Rip you limb from limb! You cannot help but admire... zis... beauty! His... power! His...poise! He is not a vonderful creature...is he?
Conker: You’re right there... he’s not!
Professor Von Kriplespac: Just ignore him! Ha! Right...I’m ****** if I’m gonna live in this world...and in this castle! So out of date! I have something known...as technology! Take us into orbit.
[the whole place shakes as the room is blasted off into outer space]
Professor Von Kriplespac: You see the power of liquid nitrogen, mixed with oxygen, two parts petrol.
Conker: Never gonna get home now.
Professor Von Kriplespac: Heinrich! Kill!
[Conker opens the airlock; the Panther King's corpse and his throne is sucked out into space]
Computer: WARNING! WARNING! AIRLOCK OPEN! AIR PRESSURE COMPROMISED!
[Conker goes into a room and comes wearing a heavy spacesuit; Heinrich claws at Berri's corpse]
Conker: Get away from her, you bitch!
[Berri’s body will be sucked out of the airlock. Professor Von Kriplespac will start having trouble]
Professor Von Kriplespac: Oh! Oh! No! Vat is?? Oh! I forgot about the airlock! Oh! ****! What the ****? Oh! I didn’t put ze high powered...I knew I should have done zat! Whose idea was it to go into space?? Oh! It was mine! ****!!! Zis is it!! Zis is ze end!! No legs! And now no life! [gets sucked into space]
[After Conker tries to throw Heinrich out of the airlock three times, he keeps coming back]
Conker: Oh, no! I felt sure that was it! Oh, this is the end! And to think it would end like this, so near! [just as Heinrich is about to pounce onto Conker, everything freezes, except Conker, but the game will lock up] Huh? Hello? What's going on? Is this a joke? [comes out of the spacesuit] The game's locked up! Ha! I don't believe it! What is this? Is this the testing department's day off or something? Hmm... This gives me an idea. Um! Hello...Uh, If there are any software engineers that can hear me? Just eh. Type something in.
Programmer: C:> Hello.
Conker: Alright, yeah, hello. Right, here’s the plan! I won't tell anyone there’s been a lockup, quite a bad one at that, left in the game. If you will say. Oh! I don’t know, help me out with this guy here! What d’ya think?
Programmer: C:> Err... Okay.
Conker: Hmmm. Now, uh, get rid of this background. It's really grimy.
[The background will disappear and the screen will be nothing but white]
Programmer: C:> How's that?
Conker: Hmm! Yeah, that’s better. Weapons maybe?
Programmer: C:> [A weapon rack will come out of nowhere] No problem.
Conker: Hmm, let’s see now. Hmm, yeah! Um, no! Oh, what about? Oh! Ho! Ho! Ho! [He will pick up a crossbow] Yeah! That should do it! Hmm! Double action! Oh! Ho! [He throws the crossbow away] Ha! You guys! [He will then take a katana from the rack] Yeah! Right! Ok! Take me back to say, the throne room.
Programmer: C:> Okay.
[Conker and the alien will be in the throne room, and Conker will have his katana]
Conker: Cool! Now, Mr. Alien, let’s see. Let’s get into position, steady, check the shot, there we go! Right! On my mark, and not a moment sooner. 3...2...1...and...action!
[Heinrich comes back to life and is confused; Conker decapitates him with his katana]
Conker: Oh no, that’s a bit volatile. Clean that up later! Well, I suppose that’s it. Anything else? [The door will start to open] Who are these guys? [Franky hops in] Oh, hello. It’s you again.
Franky: Well, if it isn’t Conker. How ya doin’, Mr. Squirrel? You have defeated the evil panther-type king.
Slim Weasel Guard: Yes, we didn’t like him either. In fact, there seems to be an empty throne.
Fat Weasel Guard: Too bloody right there is. Come on, Conker. Up on t'throne wi'ya.
Conker: What? But I, no, you don’t understand. I don’t really wanna be king. Oh no, I forgot to, I should have brought Berri back to life. Oh no! Hello, programmer! Ah, they’re gone. [The guards will drag him to the throne] What are you doing!? Get off!
Franky: It’s okay. It’ll be good. Here’s the rest of the guys.
Marvin the Mouse: Marvellous! I like it in here! [Cheese will hop by] Ooh, cheese!
Ron: You’re king?
Reg: Heh, heh, king! You couldn’t be king of a toilet!
Ron: Yeh, king of a toilet!
Reg: You don’t know how close you are. You realize that?
Ron: Eh, sorry.
Rodent: Conker, you’re king! Who’d have thought that? Can I be your general?
Conker: Oh no. Of all the people in the world that I don’t like, and I’m in a room full of them.
Red Cog: I heard the good news. We came back from holiday as soon as we could, just to celebrate with you on this wonderful, momentous occasion. Didn’t we ladies?
Slim Weasel Guard: [He puts a crown on Conker’s head] There we go. The king is dead. Long live the king!
Franky: Yeh, long live the king!
Ron: Long live the king!
Reg: Heh, heh, long live the king!
Ron: Will you stop repeating me?
Reg: I’m not. I’m repeating him.
Red Cog: Long live the king!
Rodent: Long live the king!
All: [Chanting] Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king! Long live the king!
Conker: [voiceover] So, there I am. King. King of all the land. And who’d have thought that? Not me. I guess you know who these guys are now. I certainly do. I don’t want to know them. And, yep, I may be king and have all the money in the world, and all the land, and all that stuff, but, you know, I don’t really think I want it. I just wanna go home, with Berri, and... I don’t know... have a bottle of beer. Hmm. It’s not gonna happen. It’s true what they say. The grass is always greener, and you don’t really know what it is you have until it’s gone. Gone. Gone.
[after the credits, a depressed Conker will be sitting in the cock and plucker bar with no one around but the bartender]
Bartender: So? What’ll it be?
Conker: Em...Scotch...single malt...speyside...no ice.
Bartender: A man of taste. There you go.
Conker: Whoa. Whoa there cowboy. Keep it comin’. Oh. Leave the bottle.
Bartender: Yeah. Lookin’ a bit down. What’s the matter?
Conker: Ughh...You wouldn’t believe it. Anyway...I don’t wanna talk about it. I’ll just drink this.
[After he drinks his scotch whiskey, Conker later walks drunk outside hungover during a storm at night]
Conker: Ugh. Doesn't look too good tonight. [He walks out of the Cock and Plucker and this time walks the opposite direction he took previously for a search for the creators]

Other Cutscenes (Alternative)

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Conker: Hmm. Ten o’clock. What time is it now? [He pulls out pocketwatch] Oh...oh well. I suppose I’ll come back later then.
Conker: Cool. This day ain’t turned out quite so bad after all. Oh! Hang on. [He pulls out pocketwatch] Ah, let’s see...Big hand is...Yeh, it’s ten o’clock. Ten o’clock. Oh yeh, I remember.
Mr. Barrel: Hmmm...Still not enough.
Conker: Oh. how much do I need?
Mr. Barrel: You'll find out when you've got it. Get lost.
Conker: Hmmm, get the impression somebody doesn't want me to be here. It certainly don't want me to go that way. Um, I think I'll go that way.
Conker: Uh. Is it safe I wonder? Let's find out.
Conker: [The bridge would not hold under his weight] Oh. Uh-oh. I think it's about to... [The bridge collapses, screams as he fell off it to the grassy ground below] Oh! Aw, heck! Doesn't look like I'm going that way just yet.
Gregg: [He is unseen at first holding a megaphone to give him a deep voice] Conker. Conker! Conker!! Yes, you boy. You’re dead. You are dead. Dead as a dodo. Deader than a...[The megaphone stops working as soon as he appears] I can’t be arsed with this bloody ridiculous contraption. Who’s idea was this anyway. Right. Hello. My name’s Gregg, the Grim Reaper, don’t laugh.
Conker: Aren’t you a little short to be a grim reaper.
Gregg: Well, how many grim reapers have you met before mate? Like, what am I supposed to look like?
Conker: Yeah. that's a good point and well made.
Gregg: Now. Let’s see...[A Smoke poofs and a scroll appears in front of him] Ah. Yes. Conker...surname?
Conker: The Squirrel.
Gregg: The Squirrel. The squirrel. The...[Another poof of smoke and the scroll disappears] Oh, bloody hell! You would have to be a sodding squirrel, wouldn’t you?
Conker: Why? Is there a problem with that?
Gregg: Well, yes there is, actually. It’s like those bloody cats. Such a pain in the arse. You’re one of these “special cases.”
Conker: Oh, really?
Gregg: Yes. Apparently according to the powers that be...I’m just doing my job. I do what I’m told. I don’t even get paid very much. Apparently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get away with.
Conker: Oh. I see. So I’m not dead.
Gregg: You’re dead, but not quite.
Conker: Huh. Right. Well, I’ll be off then.
Gregg: [He slams his scythe in the ground in front of where Conker is walking] Just you wait! Smart arse. You don’t get out of it that easily. Now, the thing is, you may not be dead, but that doesn’t mean you can’t die. You just have a few more, shall we say, chances. Yes. Like cats. I hate those things. Distributed around your little world are these tail things. Squirrels’ tails. If you can get them, I’ll give you an extra chance. Understand?
Conker: Um. Well. Sounds a bit strange but okay.
Gregg: Strange? It’s the best bloody deal you’re going to get you little prick. Right. Piss off. I’ve got some cats to see. Bloody things. I hate those bloody cats. The way they meow and piss everywhere, and their **** smells just bloody awful. All over my furniture...[He walks off slowly muttering]
Weasel Guards: Halt.
Conker: Em, can I get past?
Slim Weasel Guard: No, you have to pay...em, The toll. yes.
Conker: A toll. How much?
Slim Weasel Guard: Em, $1000. Yep, $1000.
Fat Weasel Guard: $1000 should do it. $500 each. Come on, cough up. He doesn't like he's got it.
Slim Weasel Guard: Nah, looks like kind of a pauper. Skedaddle.
Conker: Oh, $1000. Oh. Means I gotta go back that way. [Walks off, groans]
Slim Weasel Guard: Em, Squirrel, what do they look like?
Fat Weasel Guard: Em, I can't remember.
Slim Weasel Guard: I'm sure it'll come back. Right, let's keep...guarding!
Buga the Knut: Fangy showed the squirrel. That’s how it’s done.

Wad of money

edit
"Some money over here!"
"Hey!"
"Somebody get me!"
"Hey, what about me?!"
"Hey, over here!"
"Here I am, ya greedy bastard!"
"Oh look, Another wise guy! Come on then!"
"So, you want some green stuff?"
"Hey, I'm here hurry up, pick me up, ****-head."
"Hey, where the **** you've been you ginger bastard?"

Conker after he has obtained some cash

edit
"Yeh, Cash prizes."
"Yeh, more sponduli."
"Excellent. Jetpacks and butlers, here we come."
"Cool, I'm gonna have that gold card before you know it."
"Yeh, I can put this with the rest of my dead presidents."
"Who wants to be a millionaire? Me, actually."
"Yeh, I think the rounds on me. I'm gonna get tanked tonight."
"Yeh, I'll be able to get rid of my mortgage, and buy my car, excellent."
"Cool! Laughing all the way to the bank."
"Cool! Hope there's more where that came from."

Narrator

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  • The Second Assault had begun. The plan was a simple one: The S.H.C. were to attack from the sea and secure the three obstacles: Here; here; and here. This would allow the heavy stuff to get through...ready for phase two. However, the Tediz battle master, the mysterious Professor von Kripplespac was waiting with his giant gun of doom... waiting to blow them back into history. The Tediz were ready to defend, but time wasn't on their side. The question still hinged: Could Von Kripplespac sink the S.H.C. ship, or could the Squirrel attack force break in and thwart him?
  • With the Second Assault finally over, the battle moved inland. Professor von Kripplespac's forces making an tactical retreat to a disused prison known as 'The Fortress'. The Tediz had secured one half of the structure, and the Squirrel High Command the other; A stalemate... Only one thing here could assure victory: Demoralize the enemy, by capturing their precious colors: Their flag. The flags were deep inside each half. In order to secure victory, each would need to be brought intact to the pickup point. There to be filmed and broadcast to all the enemy troops... It was a longshot, and unlikely to work... but in war, anything goes...
  • Despite fighting to the death and winning many battles, the Tediz were not winning the war. Forced finally to retreat to his clifftop castle stronghold, Von Kripplespac knew that only one thing could save them from defeat... The Machine. History has told us of its use, but then, no-one knew for sure. The SHC had sent in a crack assault squad. Their mission: to link up the power lines to their generator, restart the cable car, and get a trooper inside to overcharge and destroy the Machine. The Tediz... well, history also tells us they'd forgotten to pack the batteries. They both needed to link up the power lines, then seal the connection somehow. The race was on.
  • Years later, the eternal war betwixt Tediz and Squirrel continued, but now on a new and more vicious front. The Machine Tediz had arrived, pouring through Von Kripplespac's new machine. The S.H.C. were driven back to the point of defeat, with only one last thread of victory: The legend of a base, buried under the ice, and said to contain a secret knowledge; it was rumored to be a map showing the location of an ancient weapon that once belonged to the long dead Panther King. Both Tediz and S.H.C. now wanted this map, but there was a problem - the map was not whole. The Tediz had found one half, and the S.H.C. the other. The mission was a simple one: Steal the enemies' map fragment and take it to the uplink device to decode the map from orbit, only then could the location of this weapon be revealed and victory assured.
  • With the two halves of the map now reunited, the long lost resting place of the 'Thing' had finally been located: an abandoned mining outpost way up the Big Rim. However, the secret didn't stay safe very long, particularly when it appeared on the front cover of 'Fur Only'. It was now simply a case of who got there first. Unfortunately Professor von Kripplespac made an immediate wrong turn, ending up (due to the fact the map was printed upside-down) in precisely the right place. As the Tediz commander prepared to excavate the 'Thing', the Squirrel High Command had finally realized their mistake and headed full pelt towards the outpost... They must destroy the 'Thing' before it, whatever it was, destroyed them! Both sides realized the key to victory lay within the Three Towers. Reactivate them to re-route and deactivate the enemy shielding, then bring their firepower to bear and blow the other back to oblivion either SHC's Spawner or the Tediz' excavation.
  • Things hadn't quite turned out as expected for either side, as it was revealed that the 'Thing' wasn't a weapon after all. It was a tomb! The Panther King had lain at rest for two hundred years, frozen in his icy prison. Before the SHC could react, the body was gone stolen! Intelligence told them where their ancient enemy had been taken. The Tediz homeworld, also known as Doon. It was a race against time: if the Tediz managed to revive their dormant leader then a new reign of terror would begin, but if the small SHC assault force could get there first...All they needed to do was break through the Tediz defense gates, here, here and here. They could be broken by either destroying the locking mechanism or hacking it. Once into the Tediz base, all hell would break loose. This time they had to be sure. The heart! They must destroy the heart!

Voice Cast

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  • Chris Seavor - Conker T. Squirrel, Birdy, Gargoyle, Gregg the Grim Reaper, Counta Conkula 'Batula' Squirrel, Panther King, Beetles, Wayne the Wasp, Wasps, Mr. King Bee, Franky the Pitchfork, Boss Weasel, Professor, Ugas, Bugga the Knut, Rock Creatures, Male Villagers, Monk, Squirrel Army, Weasels, Private Rodent, Ron the Paintpot, Reg the Paintbrush, Haybot, Boiler, Imps, Jack, Burt, Marvin the Mouse, Tediz, Mr. Barrel, Baby Fangy the Dinosaur, Dragon God, Money, Carl, Quentin, Buggerlugs The Bull, Mavis the Cow, Guards, Sarge, and Others
  • Louise Ridgeway - Berri, Mrs. Queen Bee, Sunflower, Jugga, and Squirrel Sneekers
  • Chris Marlow - The Great Mighty Poo
  • Chris Sutherland - Squirrel Demolishers
  • Eveline Novakovic
  • Duncan Botwood
  • Fred Tatasciore - Narrator
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